Which are your favorite Better Call Saul quotes? Better Call Saul is an American television series centered on the crime drama created by Vince Gilligan and Peter Gould. The TV-show is a spin-off and a prequel of Gilligan’s previous series ‘Breaking Bad‘. The series was set in Albuquerque, New Mexico during the early to mid-2000s. […]
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Which are your favorite Criminal Minds quotes? Criminal Minds is an American police procedural crime drama television series produced and created by Jeff Davis. It first premiered on CBS on the 22nd of September, 2005 and has a total of 15 seasons. The series focuses on a team as they work in various cases to […]
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“Forgiving someone doesn’t mean that their behavior was ‘OK.’ What it does mean is that we’re ready to move on. To release the heavy weight. To shape our own life, on our terms, without any unnecessary burdens. Forgiveness is pure freedom—and forgiveness is a choice.” ~Dr. Suzanne Gelb
It happened, again.
I was sitting opposite one of my closest family members. The irritation coming from me could almost be felt and touched in the room. One comment from him and boom, it was like pouring gasoline on a fire. I couldn’t help myself, I used to get so upset in these situations that I could barely manage them.
How could this happen? I was a grownup now. Also, I had worked on forgiving this person and moving past this. But then, why was I always falling back into old patterns?
Have you ever had one (or even several) of these moments? An infected relationship with a close family member that just can’t seem to heal? And you beat yourself up for not being able to resist getting into a fight?
Let me share my story. One of the closest people in my life when I was growing up was an alcoholic. That has been extremely painful. My childhood was amazing in many ways, but the fact that this person drank too much made the shiny surface fade.
Due to this, I’ve felt like a victim my whole life. Why did this happen to me? What did I do to deserve growing up with an alcoholic? Why did I have to battle embarrassment and shame because of something he did?
It all seemed so unfair.
During my childhood it was the same routine every evening: looking at the wine bottle that slowly but surely got more and more empty. Going to bed, carefully listening to sounds; was there an argument starting or not? Will there be yelling and screaming? Will I be able to sleep the whole night through?
I had so much resentment towards him. How could he do this to me and the rest of my family? His drinking and behavior triggered me in so many ways, and most of the time I felt disconnected, irritated and separated from him.
I wanted to be able to forgive and forget, and to move on, but how?
I tried to forgive him, believe me, I really tried. But at the end of the day, nothing changed. The anger, resentment, and sense of separation was still there.
But then one day something unexpected happened. I suddenly shifted my approach to forgiveness, and it was unlike anything I had done before. Finally, I set myself free. (I’ll explain soon how I did that).
What I realized was this: a shift within me, not him, had to take place. This shift was the key to my forgiveness, and in the below steps I’ll take you through how I did it.
I used to battle with the situation from my head. I tried to “trick” my mind to forgive and forget. But this strategy only kept me further from the root cause, and thus further away from liberation.
Eventually, I realized that I had to go deeper, to feel the hidden emotions underneath it all. I had spent so many years believing that I was angry, frustrated, and upset. My go-to state with him was attack, hatred, and resentment.
But underneath those emotions were the true feelings that I had not been able nor willing to feel. What I really felt was disappointment, hurt, and rejection.
Turns out it was easier to feel hatred and irritation than rejection and unworthiness. What I know today is that I couldn’t heal the situation from a place of anger and blame. I could only heal it by connecting to those deep and painful emotions that were hiding underneath.
At the time, I promised myself never to be vulnerable again. Unknowingly, at that point in time, I signed a lifelong contract of suffering. I built a thick wall around myself in order to protect myself. A wall between me and my family member (and eventually between me and other men).
But to forgive, I had to open up to vulnerability again. That was the door opener to true forgiveness. It is scary to go there, I know. But this is where the liberation lies. Go there, go to where it hurts the most and let these feelings come to greet you.
In the process of forgiving, one clear memory came back to me. It was the first time that I met him drunk and upset. I was fourteen years old and up until that point I had felt unconditionally loved. That night he said something that turned everything around. This was the painful night that changed how I viewed myself and our relationship.
Previously, I had been aware of this memory, but not willing to connect to my younger self. I had not been willing to hear her out. I imagined my fourteen-year-old self in my mind. I imagined her talking to me, telling her side of the story.
She put into words what I had truly felt that evening. All the suffering, feelings of rejection and unworthiness. Tears started pouring down my cheeks. I cried so hard. So much suffocated longing to feel love and connection revealed itself.
By listening to her and welcoming the painful emotions something powerful happened – I reclaimed my vulnerability.
Often, we fight so hard to keep ourselves from feeling the most painful emotions. But the fact is that they are the doorway to our liberation. We have to feel them to release them. In my experience, ignoring and pushing away painful feelings only leads to them controlling you even more. Only when you allow yourself to feel them are you able to set yourself free.
I used to think this person did this because he was ignorant, insensitive, and selfish. But I couldn’t have been further from the truth. What I realized was that he acted to the best of his ability. I also realize that he, in turn, has his own trauma, tragic memories, and difficulties in life.
It hit me that I would have acted in the exact same way if I had his upbringing (his parents, experiences, and trauma etc). And that shift made it so much easier to forgive him. No one is perfect and neither am I. He did the best he could.
This is when I replaced anger with compassion. A wave a love washed over me, literally entering every cell of my body. In a moment I realized that this person had always loved me, and still does to this day.
This was when my triggers vanished. Left was love, empathy, and compassion.
This person isn’t perfect, and neither am I. I love my children more than anything in the world, but I also mess up. I’m also human. And not only does that insight make it easier for me to connect to my family member, but also to myself. I’m less harsh and judging of myself today than before thanks to that realization.
To me, the word forgiveness used to feel foreign. As something that was given to the perpetrator in order to create peace of mind for that person. I resented the word and the meaning of it.
But forgiveness is not about accepting or approving bad behavior. I can still forgive and objectively oppose certain behaviors. To me, forgiveness didn’t include approval of my family member’s destructive drinking behavior. Instead, forgiveness was an act of service to myself.
I learned that forgiveness is, in a positive way, an act of egoism. You forgive to set yourself free from chains of suffering and from the past. Years later I told him because I wanted to give him the gift of my forgiveness. But it was never a necessity. It’s now been four years and our relationship is better than ever before.
Make sure that you forgive, not to help someone else, but to help yourself. Give yourself the gift of letting go so that you can move into the future you desire.
Living a life where you hold on to resentment, anger, and frustration toward someone is painful. Anger, bitterness, and resentment doesn’t change the past; it keeps you stuck in it.
You deserve better. You deserve to free yourself from grudges and painful feelings. Use this article as your guide to move into forgiveness. Start with one of the points above and follow the steps outlined. Don’t force or beat yourself up for not being able to forgive or heal straight away. Just by reading this article, you have taken a step in the right direction and have faith that your timing will be perfect for you.
Remember to feel, not to think, your way to forgiveness. Gather courage to go deeper, to feel the hidden emotions underneath it all. And most of all: remind yourself that this is something you’re doing for yourself, not for anyone else.
Our traumas and difficulties in life can leave us feeling hopeless, resentful, and like a victim. They can be our excuse to stay stuck and not create the life we desire. Or the painful experiences in life can be your greatest gift. By learning to forgive someone once and for all, you tap into the blessings in disguise that come with any problem.
Perhaps, thanks to your experience, you learned to tune up your emotional intelligence, empathy, and compassion. In short, make sure that your greatest problem becomes your greatest gift.
Sophie is on a mission to inspire and empower you to live your best life. Download her free and powerful worksheet: "The Secret to Boosting Your Self-Confidence [Easy Worksheet]."
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Which are your favorite Umbrella Academy quotes? The Umbrella Academy is an American superhero web television series. Based on the comic book series written by Gerard Way. The tv-show is produced by Borderline Entertainment, Dark Horse Entertainment, and Universal Cable Productions. It’s focused on a family of adopted sibling superheroes who reunite to solve the […]
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Which are your favorite James Bond quotes? James Bond is a fictional character created by writer Ian Fleming in 1953. He is also known by the code number 007. Bond has been adapted to other media including television, radio, comic strip, video games, and film. The character has been played by actors including Daniel Craig, […]
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Which are your favorite Harry Potter quotes? Harry Potter is a film series based on the novels written by British author J. K. Rowling, and produced by David Heyman. Focused on the lives of a young wizard, Harry Potter, and his friends, all of whom are students at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. The […]
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Which are your favorite Star Wars quotes? Star Wars is an American media franchise centered on a series of space opera created by George Lucas and produced by Lucasfilm. The first film was released in 1977 called ‘Episode IV: A New Hope’. The franchise is a worldwide pop-culture phenomenon that has been expanded to various […]
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Another surreal holiday in the books, for those of us in the US that is.
I hope you all had a love-filled day yesterday, even if that love was sent from afar.
I was 3,000 miles away from my family, though fortunate to be with my boyfriend’s parents.
After I ate way too much tofurkey and pie I spent a little time reading all the comments on this week’s giveaway post, and I felt both sad for all the pain so many of you have endured this year and inspired by your strength and wisdom.
I know that for many, 2020 has brought an onslaught of disappointment, struggle, stress, and loss. And for others it’s been a continuation of years of pain, just with a totally new flavor.
I know a Mindfulness Kit won’t magically make everything better, but if I could give one to everyone who entered, I gladly would.
Since I unfortunately don’t have the means to do that, and I know many of you commented that the kit would be helpful to you, I’ve decided to do what I believe to be the next best thing.
From today until Monday, November 30th, I am giving away my bestselling Recreate Your Life Story eCourse as a free bonus to anyone who purchases a Mindfulness Kit.
The course usually sells for $97, and from what I’ve been told it’s helped many people create major internal and external change.
I created this course several years back because I wanted to share what helped me move forward and transform my life after years of depression, bulimia, and self-loathing.
I distinctly remember a time when I felt particularly lost and hopeless, and I couldn’t imagine ever feeling excited about my life, or proud of myself. My story felt like cement encasing me—like a trap of infinite victimhood and failure I could never possibly escape.
Then one day, when I was looking for hope, but doubtful I would find it, I stumbled across a quote that changed everything for me:
“Life is 10% what happens to you and 90% how you respond to it.”
I haven’t had many sudden epiphanies in my time—I’m generally a slow learner when it comes to life’s biggest lessons—but this one hit me like a ton of feathers to the face. (Same weight as a ton of bricks—you know, a ton—but far less painful!)
I realized then that I didn’t have to be defined by any of what I’d been through, or what I’d done in response. Instead, I could focus on what I was going to do next, and in doing so shift my narrative from pain and shame to healing and pride.
My life could be defined by my next choice, and my next choice didn’t have to look anything like the ones prior. And not only did my future not have to look like my past, I could change how I saw my past—and myself. I could literally rewrite my story through the power of perspective and paint myself not as the victim or villain, but as the hero.
That’s what this course is all about. It’s about choosing to view yourself and your life through a more empowering lens so you can take back the reins and live the story you want to live from this point forward.
It’s about replacing despair with hope and self-judgment with self-compassion and moving forward on a new path that excites you, as someone you feel proud of.
I think after this year we could all use a little help to move forward, stronger not in spite of what we’ve been through, but because of it.
I believe this course can help with that, which is why I’m offering it as a free bonus with the kit.
I also believe the kit is a nice complement to the course. With four aromatherapy-based products, a daily mindfulness practice guide, and three expanded digital guides, it can help you find a calm center within you as work on letting go of the past and creating a new narrative for yourself.
The products include:
The digital guides include:
I designed this kit to help make mindfulness fun and relaxing so that we’re better able to make it a habit. Self-compassion is a huge part of the course, and I can’t think of anything more self-compassionate than taking a little time to simply be. Without the weight of our worries, fears, judgments, assumptions, and grievances.
1. First, you’ll need the Mindfulness Kit. You can grab one here.
2. After you complete your transaction, you’ll receive a purchase confirmation email. Forward that to me at email@tinybuddha.com and I will personally send you a promo code for the course within 48 hours, along with instructions to get signed up.
3. Once you sign up for the course you will have lifetime access and can start whenever you’d like!
If you purchased the kit recently, I am happy to honor this offer for you. Just forward me your purchase confirmation email and I will send you a code.
I am sorry to say that the kit is still limited to the US, but I do plan to offer international shipping at some point, and when I do, I will extend this offer again for those of you outside the states.
I hope the kit and the course bring you all a little peace, a lot of hope, and abundant possibilities for the future!
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.
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Which are your favorite Colin Kaepernick quotes? Colin Kaepernick is one of the best football quarterbacks in the world. His story is inspiring, and he worked really hard to get to where he is today. He is also one of the richest football players worldwide! Here are 35 amazing Colin Kaepernick quotes, may his quotes […]
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I’m willing to bet that most of us spend far more time focusing on what we aren’t than appreciating who we are. We home in everything we think we lack and then feel bad about ourselves, when there’s actually a lot to celebrate if we take the time recognize it.
It’s partly a byproduct of our time: We’re constantly inundated with pics and stories narrating everyone else’s lives, when really, they’re just highlight reels. They’re the filtered, photoshopped version of lives as messy and imperfect as ours.
And regardless of where they pose, what they wear, or what they’re doing there, all those people, they’re just like you and me. They’re sometimes confident, sometimes insecure, and they often need to be reminded that they’re worth loving, and doing better than they think.
So, if, like me, you’re a perfectionist, or you’re just hard on yourself sometimes, sit back, relax, and consider all these reasons you’re amazing and worth appreciating.
1. You’ve survived every challenge life has thrown at you, and there have been a lot.
2. You’ve done your best in every situation, based on where you were at that time in your life, where you’ve come from, and the resources at your disposal.
3. You’ve acknowledged and worked on weaknesses—maybe not always, and maybe not without some resistance. But you’ve made progress countless times when it would have been easier to stay stuck where you were.
4. You’ve risen back up after failure and rejection. You could have given up when you were laid off, or passed up for the job, or told “It’s not you, it’s me…,” but you licked your wounds, got through it, and put yourself back out there instead.
5. You’ve forgiven, the ultimate test of one’s strength. You may not be ready to forgive everyone who’s hurt you, but you have done it before, even though it was hard.
6. You’ve apologized. It’s not always easy to admit mistakes, but you’ve done it. You’ve owned your part, acknowledged pain caused, and vowed to do better going forward.
7. You’ve tried things outside your comfort zone, whether that means taking a new job overseas or saying hello when you would have preferred to stare at your feet.
8. You’ve faced a fear at some point. It may have seemed small to you, but any time you do something that scares you, it’s huge!
9. You’ve adapted to change, often without having chosen it, and have grown through the experience.
10. You’ve solved problems that could have crippled you and have helped other people with their problems while grappling with your own.
11. You have good intentions. You might think you sometimes do the wrong things, but your heart’s generally in the right place.
12. You’ve made someone feel appreciated, and maybe many someones, by acknowledging their efforts and thanking them for what they’ve done.
13. You’ve made someone’s day, probably without even realizing it, by listening, understanding, or simply being thoughtful and kind.
14. You make people laugh—maybe even at your laugh, because you cackle or snort or sound like Beavis. (Too young for the reference? Google it!)
15. You look out for the people you love. When you say you care, you mean it, and you back it up with actions.
16. You smile at people. It might seem insignificant, but your smile has likely been someone’s lighthouse on a dark, scary day.
17. You remember the important things—or at least some of them. That “Happy birthday” card or call or text? It was a simple acknowledgement that helped someone feel valued and loved.
18. You ask people how they’re doing. You might not always get an honest response, but you’re willing to receive it.
19. You treat people how you’d like to be treated more often than not. Sometimes you slip up—you’re only human, after all! But you do your best to be a decent human being who treats other people with respect.
20. You’ve given second chances when you knew someone really needed it.
21. You have many positive qualities, whether you realize it or not. Maybe you’re adventurous or brave or creative or dependable—or all of the above. You could probably go through the whole alphabet and list twenty-six amazing qualities for each letter that you possess. (Or at least twenty-five—X is tough!)
22. You’re passionate about something, whether it’s your work, a hobby, a dream for the future, or your family, and that passion is both admirable and contagious.
23. You have unique quirks that make you interesting, endearing, and fun to be around. Maybe you have a passion for Steampunk, or you talk to your plants, or you collect something weird, like umbrella sleeves.
24. You have eclectic taste and have likely introduced other people to many things they’ve come to enjoy—bands, movies, books, restaurants, the list goes on and on.
25. You’re beautifully messy, like all human beings, and your emotions give you empathy, depth, and many other gifts you may not even recognize.
26. You’re creative in your own way—everyone is! Maybe you bake or write or make cool things out of wine corks or scrabble pieces or rocks.
27. You have your own kind of smarts—book smarts, street smarts, emotional intelligence, maybe even all three.
28. You have a voice that has soothed someone, even if it sounds like Sofia Vergara’s, simply because it’s yours.
29. You are physically a work of art. Seriously. Our culture has long promoted a one-size-fits-all definition of beauty (though, thankfully, that seems to be changing), but there’s beauty to be found in every unique combination of body and facial features. Big noses, asymmetrical eyes, crooked smiles—every last of one of them, beautiful!
30. You are mentally fascinating. Just think of all the outlandish, complex, crazy thoughts that go through your mind each day.
31. You’ve amassed a vast assortment of experiences that have given you insight and a unique perspective. No one else sees the world exactly like you!
32. You’ve healed and grown through all your ups and downs, becoming stronger and wiser every day.
33. You’ve done some interesting things in your time. If our lives really do flash before our eyes before we die, yours definitely won’t be boring!
34. You’ve learned what matters to you throughout the years, and you’ve tried your best to honor those things.
35. You’ve started over when it was hard, whether it was a new direction, a new job, a new location, or a new relationship.
36. You’ve found and/or created opportunities for yourself, and possibly in fields that aren’t easy to break into.
37. You’ve adulted: you’ve fed yourself, done laundry, cleaned your house, paid your bills, and done countless other responsible things—often when you would have preferred to lie under a blanket fort eating cereal from an oversized bowl.
38. You’ve built a treasure chest of amazing memories through the years, and you recognize them for the gold they are.
39. You’re the co-star in many other people’s favorite memories.
40. You’ve made it to where you are right now. And here you are, strong, kind, uniquely you, and worth celebrating.
—
So there you have it, all the reasons you are absolutely amazing, every last one of you. Have anything to add to the list?
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.
The post 40 Reasons You’re Amazing and Worth Appreciating appeared first on Tiny Buddha.
The root cause of suffering for many of us is believing that there’s something’s wrong with us. Psychiatrists’ and therapists’ offices are filled with people who are carrying this false belief, most often stemming from traumatic or painful childhood experiences, or even people telling us this directly.
Sometimes we inferred this idea because we were treated badly as children and/or we didn’t get our physical or emotional needs met. Perhaps we were called selfish or bad because we “asked for too much,” or we were told we couldn’t have what we wanted because we didn’t “earn or deserve it.”
Maybe we blamed ourselves for our parents’ fighting and/or divorce, or issues that were going on in our family, because we believed they were our fault.
Our little minds drew conclusions, and for some of us, self-abandonment became the solution. We did this because we thought there was something wrong with us—welcome suppression, people-pleasing, and “good little boy or girl.”
Without conscious awareness, we tried to be and do what others wanted us to be and do, so they’d love and accept us. By doing this, we hid our truth. We also concluded that it wasn’t okay to feel how we were feeling, so we made sure we suppressed our emotions, especially those that seemed forbidden, like anger or sadness.
All this disconnected us from our authenticity. Many of us live our whole lives according to how others told us we needed to be, and we’re never truly happy.
Because we believed it was wrong for us to be ourselves, some of us created symptoms like addictions, depression, eating disorders, anxiety, or even illness in the body.
Now, we have more reasons to believe we’re “bad” or “wrong” because we may think that having these symptoms proves it. Welcome more self-hatred—now we’re living with a big inner debate. It becomes a no-win situation and we frantically turn to escapism and/or we create numbing/survival mechanisms.
We think, “I can only show the good me,”—“good” according to the rules of our family and society—and “I can’t show the bad me,” which are just parts of ourselves that weren’t acceptable to our family or society. By doing this we never really experience inner peace; instead, we become fragmented beings.
Welcome shame and shadow “hiding.” What’s that? Shadow hiding is denying or disowning parts of ourselves that were not allowed to be seen; we pushed them down in our shadows and put them in our “forbidden cage.”
Most people think our shadows carry our deep hurt and pain, and that may be, but in our shadows also resides our authenticity, our lovability, our natural gifts, talents, and abilities, our creativity, and our greatest qualities
So, how does the idea that something’s wrong with us effect our lives? If we have this as our core belief, we may create symptoms like self-sabotage, anxiety, helplessness, hopelessness, and the other symptoms I mentioned above.
We filter our perceptions and points of views through the ways we feel about ourselves, and we let that feeling create our reality.
We may deny our true desires and what really makes us happy. Sometimes we do this unconsciously; however, it shows up as procrastinating and/or self-sabotaging or saying we don’t know what we like or how to have fun and play—because we believe doing so isn’t okay.
We may have a hard time speaking our truth and asking for what we need in relationships; we’ve become people-pleasing beings because we learned we needed to abandon ourselves in order to be accepted and be a good person.
We may try to suppress, deny, or run away from any negative, sad, or unacceptable feelings because we were told that we were bad or wrong for feeling what we felt.
If shame is running in our system, we’ll never feel like a good enough person. We may even feel like a failure, or, we may overcompensate, trying to prove we’re good enough through success, fame, and accumulation, but deep inside we’re empty and not happy.
Just an FYI, there’s nothing wrong with these things; it’s the energy behind what we’re doing that we need to pay attention to.
There are many ways this false idea plays out, especially in the energy of fear and doubt.
So, here’s a bit of what it was like for me, having this false idea that there was something wrong with me. This belief was created from the messages I received and inferred when I was a little being; constantly being told that I was wrong, fat, ugly, stupid, selfish, and that I asked for too much.
From my earliest memory I ate a lot; food comforted and soothed me. It gave me a way to focus my energy, numb my painful feelings, and keep me safe in an environment in which I was not accepted.
Then at age thirteen my doctor told me to go on a diet, and at age fifteen I was anorexic, which made me feel even more wrong and bad.
The anorexia was a symptom stemming from the feeling and belief that I was undeserving, bad, and wrong and that I needed to deprive myself in order to be accepted and loved. Kinda screwy, eh?
What most people don’t understand is that anorexia isn’t just about starving our body, we’re starving ourselves from living. It’s self-denial, self-abandonment and self-abuse, the opposite of self-honoring and self-loving.
I took on the ways my parents treated me, and I became my own mean parent. I beat myself up daily with negative self-talk, cutting my wrists and face, bingeing, starving myself, and exercising compulsively. I was also depressed and anxious and took sleeping pills to sleep through the day.
I was a slave to this way of being, stemming from the belief that there was something wrong with me, and going even deeper, that I was bad and wrong.
I deprived myself of everything, not just food. I didn’t allow myself to get close to others, or buy myself anything; I basically lived in lack, limitation, and fear daily. If I made money, it had to go into the bank, and I overworked myself to prove I was a “good girl.” I put myself in dangerous situations, like walking alone in bad areas at night, and stayed in abusive relationships because I didn’t value myself or my life.
I was living in a trance, and no one was able to help me change. Even after going in and out of numerous hospitals and treatment centers and seeing therapists for over twenty-three years, I still lived with an internal war. I held on tight to the harmful ways I was living, because I believed I deserved to be treated that way; it was how I learned to cope and survive.
So, how did things finally change? How did I get to where I am today? I finally took my healing into my own hands and found myself on a spiritual path. It wasn’t until everyone gave up on me, and my body starting really deteriorating, that I decided to learn self-acceptance, self-honoring, and self-loving.
It was a process. I read many self-help books, but most of them only worked on the conscious level. It was like I was fighting against my own biology, consciously trying to change, but my energy patterning was saying no way.
I didn’t start feeling comfortable being true to myself and living in my body until I went to the root cause—until I understood why I was carrying this energy internally.
By going to the root cause—what happened when I was younger—I made contact with my inner child who was really hurting and crying out for love.
Sweet little Debra was so afraid, and she didn’t feel safe because no one had ever comforted her or let her know that she was okay. She wanted and needed to know that she wasn’t bad or wrong, and that it was okay for her to come out and play; that she was now loved, accepted, appreciated, and safe.
She was very hurt and angry, and it took a while for her to trust me. However, I stayed with it, and bit by bit I started feeling at peace internally through self-love and self-acceptance.
What if instead of giving medication to someone who doesn’t truly need it, we gave them the prescription that there’s nothing wrong with them?
What if we helped them peel away the layers of conditioning, helped them heal their traumas and unresolved issues, and gave them permission to love and honor themselves and embrace their authenticity?
What if we stopped judging ourselves and making ourselves bad or wrong for who we are and instead loved and accepted ourselves unconditionally—especially those parts that weren’t/aren’t accepted by our family and/or society?
What if we saw our shame, insecurities, and fear of being seen as parts of ourselves asking for compassion, forgiveness, unconditional acceptance, and love?
What if we saw our “flaws” as beautiful and valuable aspects of ourselves, and we started finding approval for those parts of ourselves that were unaccepted by society?
What if we moved from self-judging into self-compassion and self-loving and we allowed ourselves to feel however we’re feeling?
What if we made friends with ourselves so that we felt at ease throughout the day? So we no longer tried so hard to be someone acceptable and instead we flowed with our heart and soul?
What if we changed things about ourselves and our lives because it’s an act of self-love—we improved because we want to, not because we need to in order to be accepted and loved by others?
If we put in the work, there hopefully comes a time when we see that we no longer need to “fix” ourselves to be a certain way so that we’ll be accepted by others. And instead, we allow ourselves to be who we are, we love and accept ourselves unconditionally, and change only if we want to, not because we think there’s something wrong us. Because there isn’t. And there never was.
Debra Mittler is a warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people’s hearts and souls. She enjoys assisting others in loving and accepting themselves unconditionally, feeling at peace in their body, and living authentically. Debra is a leading authority in overcoming obstacles and supports her clients by holding a space of unconditional love and offering encouragement, effective tools, and valuable insights allowing them to experience and listen to their own inner wisdom.
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Which are your favorite Andre 3000 quotes? Andre 3000 is an American rapper, singer, songwriter, multi-instrumentalist, record producer, and actor who is best known for being a part of hip hop duo ‘Outkast’. Complex included him on a list of the 10 best rappers of the 2000s. As a solo artist, he has featured with […]
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Which are your favorite Method Man quotes? Method Man is an American hip-hop recording artist, music producer, and actor. He is best known as a member of the East Coast hip hop collective ‘Wu-Tang Clan’. In 1996, he received a Grammy Award for the category of ‘Best Rap Performance By A Duo Or Group’. Method […]
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Which are your favorite Ty Dolla Sign quotes? Ty Dolla Sign is an American rapper, singer, and songwriter. He is known for his hit singles ‘Paranoid’, ‘Or Nah’, and ‘Blasé’. He is a co-founder of the production team ‘D.R.U.G.S.’. Throughout his career, he has been worked with A-list artists including ‘Fifth Harmony’, ‘The Weeknd‘, ‘Wiz […]
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**This post contains a giveaway. If you’re reading this in your inbox, click here to enter on the site!**
There’s no denying it’s a strange holiday season this year. Annual traditions are on hold for many. Loved ones are far away. And I imagine most of us are getting antsy for a return to some semblance of normal.
While a lot feels different this year, there’s one thing that remains the same: the spirit of the season. And right now, that means focusing on what we appreciate (admittedly easier for some than others at this point in time).
For me, among other things, that’s all of you, and the love, kindness, and generosity of spirit you bring to this site.
I only need to look through comments and forum posts to see what an amazing group you are. You care. You offer empathy and support. You see beyond the surface, understand instead of judging, and give the kind of love we all deserve but haven’t always received.
It’s easy to get cynical sometimes—to focus on the worst of humanity and everything that’s wrong with the world. But then someone comes along and reminds you people are good. That’s what this site is for me, and I think for many of you as well: it’s a place where people share their light, even when they’ve known tremendous darkness. And I can’t think of anything more inspiring than that.
So to celebrate you this year, I’m running a giveaway for my new Mindfulness Kit, offering a pair—one for the winner, and one for the winner to gift to a friend.
The kit includes a daily mindfulness practice guide and four aromatherapy-based products, including:
It also includes access to three free digital bonuses, including:
I decided to create this kit because I know what it’s like to live lost in your thoughts. I’ve felt the pain of dwelling on the past, worrying about the future, replaying things I think I’ve done wrong, and obsessing about what other people think.
This is my default mental mode, programming I’ve lived with all my life, as I imagine is true for many of us.
But I also know the peace and relief that come from practicing mindfulness. I know how tension and anxiety melt away when I get out of my head and come back to my body and the present moment.
There are countless ways to do this—meditation, yoga, incorporating mindfulness into your daily activities. And it doesn’t require anything other than a willingness to focus on your breathing and bring yourself back to your breath when your mind starts to wander.
But I personally enjoy having tools to enhance my practice, specifically aromatherapy products. It’s easier to ground ourselves in our bodies when we connect with our senses, and there’s no sense as powerful as the sense of smell.
I chose lavender for most of the products in the kit because it’s scientifically proven to reduce stress and anxiety.
Whether you’re washing your worries away with the Soothing Bath & Shower Gel, taking a few deep breaths at work after applying the Calming Essential Oil Roll-on, or practicing progressive relaxation after spraying the Relaxing Pillow Spray, I believe these products can help you access a state of peace and calm.
And let’s face it: we could all use a little peace right now!
To enter the giveaway, post a comment below sharing one reason you want this kit.
You can enter until midnight, PST, on Thursday, November 26th. I will list the winner’s name at the top of the post on Friday the 27th. Please note you will need to check back then to see if you’ve won so you can email me your address.
If you’d like to grab a Mindfulness Kit right away, you can get one here.
Sending you all so much love!
**Giveaway limited to US. International shipping coming soon!
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.
The post Giveaway: Win Tiny Buddha’s Mindfulness Kit for You and a Friend! appeared first on Tiny Buddha.
Which are your favorite Paul Pogba quotes? Paul Pogba is a French professional soccer player. Pogba plays for Premier League club ‘Manchester United’ and the ‘French national team’. In 2013, he was awarded the Golden Boy award for the best under-21 player in Europe. After four years with Juventus, he returned to ‘Manchester United’ in […]
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Which are your favorite Bill Nye quotes? Bill Nye is an American television presenter, science communicator, and entertainer. Popularly known as the host of the PBS and syndicated children’s science show ‘Bill Nye the Science Guy’. The show aired 100 episodes over five seasons between 1993 and 1998. Bill has since made a career as […]
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Which are your favorite Flo Rida quotes? Flo Rida is an American rapper, songwriter, and singer. He is best known for his ability to churn out catchy tunes and impressive hits make him a real success story in the hip-hop world. He first rose to fame after released his debut solo album, ‘Mail on Sunday’ […]
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“If you think there’s something missing from your life, it’s probably you.” ~Robert Holden
Most people would agree that thinking too much can cost you your peace, your happiness perhaps—but your life? Surely that’s a bit of an exaggeration.
I’ll explain with a story.
I remember taking my daughter to the park one day when she was around three years old. Like all kids of that age, she was thrilled and mesmerised by her surroundings—the insect crawling up the blade of grass, the ducks squawking in the pond, the dog chasing the frisbee nearby.
She was fully engaged with the life around her—fully present in the moment.
All of a sudden, she pointed up to the sky and shrieked, “Airplane!”
Her shrill voice snapped me out of my reverie and, looking up at the plane high above us, I became aware of my surroundings for the first time.
I noticed that we’d actually arrived in the park. Although my body had been there for several minutes, I had just arrived.
Prior to that, I was a million miles away, deep in thought about something or other, totally oblivious to my surroundings.
Life is always happening now, but, distracted by our thinking minds, we fail to notice.
As soon as we wake up each morning, the mind TV automatically switches on and starts broadcasting our familiar programs.
And through habit, we give it our full attention. We find the mind’s content way more compelling than the life around us.
My days used to go something like this. Maybe you can relate?
I’d be gulping down breakfast and thinking about my to-do list for the day or how the traffic was going to be on the way to work. The next thing I knew, I’d be staring down at the empty cornflakes bowl in front of me, with no recollection of having eaten it.
I’d totally missed out on the wonderful taste and texture of the food in my mouth, not to mention the warm sun streaming in through the window and the beautiful song of the skylark outside.
The body would then be driving the car to work while I was busy replaying the conversation I’d had with my sister the night before, missing the clouds, the trees, and the beautiful sky along the route.
Next thing I knew, I’d be pulling into the car park at work, with no recollection of having driven there.
The body would then be sitting at its desk, but again, I was somewhere else—counting the days until the weekend or making plans for our next holiday.
Robert Holden, director of The Happiness Project, sums it up beautifully with these words:
“If you think there’s something missing from your life, it’s probably you.”
Being lost in past and future mind-movies pulls our attention away from the present moment, away from life, away from reality.
The past and future have no reality of their own. What happened yesterday or what may happen tomorrow exist only as ideas in your head.
The moment is always fresh and alive. The movies that play in our heads are old and stale. They are devoid of life.
Thinking too much costs you your life.
When we spend too much time lost in our thinking minds—rushing from one appointment to the next—life, which is always happening now, flashes by unnoticed.
The days, the weeks, the months, the years all blur into one, as the preciousness of each living moment is lost to a lack of presence.
We’re left wondering where all the time has gone and why we feel so dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and disconnected.
Taking time to be more attentive to each new moment as it arises is the key to experiencing more peace, connection, and aliveness, regardless of what is going on in your life or what you believe it should look like.
When we are absorbed in the present moment, contentment happens by itself. We need not look for it. It is a by-product of being present.
So how do you get out of your head and back into your life?
Present moment awareness is key. This is where life hangs out!
And the good news is that, because the mind can only be in one place at a time, you don’t have to actively try to stop thinking. Bring your attention to the present moment and thinking will stop automatically.
To my mind, mindfulness practice is the simplest and most effective way to achieve this.
Although I had been practicing and teaching other forms of meditation for many years, I became curious to learn more about the mindfulness approach and signed up for an eight-week course.
During the course, there was one particular exercise, “walking meditation,” that had a lasting impression on me.
As we walked slowly and silently through the lush gardens of the retreat center, we were invited to be attentive to the present moment—to feel the ground beneath our feet and pay close attention to every little movement and sensation in the body, as we mindfully placed one foot after the other.
We were instructed to give our full attention to each of the senses, one by one.
This what I wrote in my journal afterward:
“Being attentive to the intricate patterns and colors of the leaves, the spider busy at work on its web, feeling the texture of the grass under the soles of the feet and the gentle breeze on the skin, smelling the soil, the herbs, the fragrant moss, listening to the gentle crackle of twigs underfoot and the rustle of the wind in the trees—transformed what, at first sight, appeared to be a lovely garden, into Narnia, the magical kingdom!”
It is both astonishing and humbling to really notice the enormity of what is going on around us and within us in every moment—when you pay attention.
The wondrous transformation of the garden happened through a shift in attention alone. Nothing new or different appeared on the outside. Everything was exactly as before.
And we can bring this quality into every aspect of our lives.
We are normally so distracted by the thinking mind that we fail to notice the immense richness that is present all around. Being attentive to the fullness of what each moment contains, as children are, naturally instils a sense of wonder and joy within.
I’ll finish with these beautiful words about walking meditation from Buddhist mindfulness teacher, Thich Nhat Hahn:
“Walking in mindfulness brings us peace and joy and makes our life real, enjoying peace in each moment with every step. No need to struggle. Enjoy each step.
When we practice walking meditation, we arrive in each moment.
Our true home is in the present moment. When we enter the present moment deeply, our regrets and sorrows disappear, and we discover life with all its wonders.
Breathing in, we say to ourselves, ‘I have arrived.’ Breathing out, we say ‘I am home.’ When we do this, we overcome dispersion and dwell peacefully in the present moment, which is the only moment for us to be alive.”
When the mind is quiet, we are able to engage directly with life, as children do. When we really pay attention to the richness of the present moment, we become enthralled with life, as children are.
Too much thinking will cost you your life.
Richard is an-ex-monk who blogs at Think Less And Grow Rich, a site dedicated to helping people break free from the clutches of an overactive mind to experience more joy, peace, and fulfillment in life. He has been teaching meditation for over twenty years and is the author of two books, Kick The Thinking Habit and Awaken The Happy You.
Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.
The post How to Get Out of Your Head and Show Up for Your Life appeared first on Tiny Buddha.
Which are your favorite Bill Maher quotes? Bill Maher is an American comedian, actor, and TV host who is known for his political satire, comedy, and sociopolitical commentary. He began his career as a comedian and actor. Maher has his own talk show called ‘Real Time with Bill Maher’. He ranked at number 38 on […]
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Which are your favorite Bryan Cranston quotes? Bryan Cranston is an American actor, writer, and director. Cranston is best known for his powerful characters that he played in various TV shows. His work as an actor has earned him awards, including three consecutive Emmys for his role as Walter White on ‘Breaking Bad’. Cranston’s career […]
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How often do you feel energized, grounded, and excited for the day when you finish your morning routine?
And what is your morning routine?
Are you one of those people who sleep as late as possible, pound some coffee and a processed breakfast, and then rush to get into work on time? (No judgment—I’ve been there! Gas station decaf and pop tarts for the win!)
Or do you leave yourself a cushion of time so you can ease into your day feeling centered and invigorated, through some combination of self-care activities?
In recent years I’ve leaned toward the latter because I know the way I spend my morning sets the tone for the rest of my day.
Admittedly, it’s easier on some days than others. When things are going well, and I feel good about myself and my life, it’s not too hard to do things that are good for me, even if I only have a few minutes.
But it’s when we’re not feeling our best that we need self-care the most. Especially in the morning, when our choices have immense power to shape the twenty-four hours ahead.
For me, the most important choice is to practice mindfulness.
Mindfulness is essentially non-judgmental present moment awareness. It’s simply being where you are. Grounding yourself in your body and choosing to let thoughts naturally pass instead of getting caught up in them.
It’s a great practice any time of day, but particularly in the morning, since it enables you to create the kind of energy you want to take into the tasks and interactions ahead of you.
There are limitless ways to practice mindfulness, but here are some of my favorites:
I imagine a lot of us hop out of bed and get into the morning without really checking in with ourselves to see how we’re feeling.
Check in to see how your body feels—if you’re holding tension anywhere or if any part of your body needs a little extra love, whether that means stretching your legs or giving yourself a hand massage.
Check in to see how you feel mentally and emotionally—if you feel anxious about anything that’s coming or you’re holding onto any thoughts or regrets about yesterday and could maybe work through them with a little journaling.
And most importantly, ask yourself: What do I need? It might not be the same as what you needed yesterday. You might need to chug some water, or connect with someone you love, or listen to a song that always makes you smile. None of these things takes that long, but they can all make a huge difference.
Because I want my son to feel excited about his days, and to know that he’s a valuable human being, I’ve gotten into the habit of telling him, right after he wakes up, “Welcome to the day, the day is lucky to have you!” (I probably sound like the teacher from Peanuts right now, cause, you know, he’s one and a half, but in time he’ll understand!)
Recently it occurred to me that I could just easily say this to myself, either looking in the mirror or just in my head when I first open my eyes. So I tell myself this, then take a few deep breaths and let these words marinate in my brain.
It’s a much nicer greeting to the morning than a bright screen in my face. And it’s a way to proactively and mindfully nurture what I want to feel: excited, valued, and confident.
Our morning shower is a perfect opportunity to engage with our senses, clear our mind, and visualize our worries washing away down the drain. This is why I included a free bonus titled How to Make Your Morning Shower Mindful, Blissful, and Rejuvenating in my new Mindfulness Kit. It’s also why I included a lavender shower gel.
Whenever we engage our senses we’re pulled into the present moment, and there’s no sense more powerful than the sense of smell. The part of the brain that processes smells is linked to the part of the brain associated with memory and emotion. Which means the right scent can provide comfort, calm, and healing. And lavender in particular isn’t just relaxing, it’s also scientifically proven to help with anxiety and a number of physical ailments.
You might find a different scent appeals to you. You might prefer hot showers, or cold showers, or a combination. What’s important is that you allow yourself to be fully present with the experience—to feel the water cascading down your back, to tune into the sound of the drops hitting the floor, and to give yourself this time to simply be, in this moment of solitude.
Many of us go into our days with lengthy to-do lists, and it can easily create a sense of overwhelm.
I like to set a morning intention based on both something to do and something to be, because this reminds me of what’s truly important, and takes the focus off productivity. And I like to do this while practicing deep breathing and watching the flame dance on my favorite candle (another practice I recommend in my Mindfulness Kit).
For example, you could set the intention to do an act of kindness and be gentle with yourself. Then you’ll feel a sense of accomplishment when you complete the act of kindness, and you’ll not only feel good about having done it, you’ll feel good about yourself no matter what else you do, because you’ll be honoring your intention to be gentle with yourself.
Particularly in the morning, when we have a lot to do, and perhaps get into quickly, it’s easy to scarf down our food without even really tasting it. And it always occurs to me how silly this is. It’s not like savoring our food takes much time. It literally adds seconds to the experience—a few extra minutes at most.
In my family we joke that we don’t chew our food, we just kind of gulp it down. So this is where I start. I chew more. I fully taste what I’m eating. I close my eyes as if it’s a super decadent chocolate.
Choose to eat without multitasking—no phone or TV on in the background. And give yourself permission to just enjoy eating. Like when you were a kid and finally got an ice cream cone after begging for an hour. You took big, long licks, you let it drip down your hand, maybe you snarled when someone asked if they could try it because you were just that into it.
You could also imagine this is the last time you will ever get to eat this particular meal. I find that always mindful eating far easier!
If I could take an hour-long yoga class every morning, I would, because nothing feels as good for my mind and body as yoga. It’s like a mental cleanse and a really good full body yawn-stretch all at once. (Do you that too—yawn-stretch?) It releases tension both in the mind and body and creates a feeling of lightness all over.
If, like me, you don’t have the time for a full class, you could instead do a few energizing poses, while focusing on your breath. Yoga Journal has a great list of recommendations here. Or you could simply stretch in whatever way feels good to you, breathing deeply as you move your body.
You probably see this suggestion a lot, and for good reason: identifying our blessings boosts our mood, increases our overall life satisfaction, and makes us feel more optimistic. When you find things to appreciate, even when life feels hard or stressful, it’s like shining a spotlight on all the reasons life is worth living and deemphasizing everything that hurts.
But you don’t need to put pen to paper to reap the benefits. You could write one thing down and put it in a gratitude jar so you can pull a random blessing out any time you need a pick-me-up. You could share a morning blessing on social media, to connect with other people in the process. Or you could try the email approach I recently adopted with my sister…
Though we didn’t keep it going long, for a brief time we emailed each other daily one thing we were grateful for, one thing we were excited about, and one thing we were proud of ourselves for. I found it was a great way to help each other be our best selves and nurture positive emotions.
—
Let’s face it: Every day is different, and some mornings are harder than others.
Sometimes we wake up wishing yesterday was a dream and hoping today will be over fast.
Sometimes we wake up feeling indifferent about the twenty-four hours ahead because we’re just not excited about our day.
And other times we wake up feeling eager and motivated, thrilled about the upcoming day and ready to make the most of it.
That’s life, for all of us. That’s the full range of human experience, all kinds of days mixed up together like white specks drifting around in a snow globe.
We can’t control that our lives are always in flux, and that we won’t always wake up feeling happy or positive. But we can choose to do something every morning that enables us to be and do our best with what is, whatever it is.
And it all starts with mindfulness. Coming home to our body. Giving ourselves permission to simply be. And then, when we feel a strong sense of stability within us, going out into the world to do. Whatever it is we do. Ready to find the joy in our day and knowing we can handle whatever’s coming.
Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.
Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.
The post 7 Morning Mindfulness Practices to Help You Have an Awesome Day appeared first on Tiny Buddha.
Which are your favorite Danica Patrick quotes? Danica Patrick is an American former professional racing driver. Patrick is the most successful woman in the history of American open-wheel racing and was named the ‘Rookie of the Year’ at the 2005 ‘Indianapolis 500’ and the 2005 ‘IndyCar Series’ season. Other than racing, she also worked as […]
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Which are your favorite Shaun White quotes? Shaun White is an American professional snowboarder, skateboarder, actor, and musician. White has won three ‘Olympic’ gold medals for the US and has won 10 ‘ESPY Awards’. He is one of the most successful and highest-paid Olympians of all time. He has featured in several video games, including […]
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My brother, Marc-Emile, sparkled brilliantly. At sixteen years old, he could expound on physics or Plato, calculus, or car mechanics, Stravinsky or Steppenwolf. At seventeen, he began reading the Great Books series, starting with Homer and Aeschylus and moving forward through the Greeks. I don’t know how many of those Great Books he read. He didn’t have that long.
My brother had everything going for him. He was kind, ethical, and handsome. He graduated high school a year early, at the top of his class, with virtually perfect SATs. He started at MIT as a physics major. He ended at MIT too, one year later. At the age of nineteen, he flung himself to his death from the tallest campus building.
Then there was me, Marc’s little sister. Everyone knew me too, but not because I was brilliant. I was exceptional in a less appealing way, having been severely burned in a fire when I was four years old. I barely survived this injury, which left me with no lower lip, no chin, no neck and my upper arms fused to my torso. Bright purple raised scars traveled the length of my small body.
I spent month after month in the hospital alone, undergoing one terrifying reconstructive surgery after the next. When I was home, I was bullied and taunted, kids running past me, screaming “Yuck!” as they fled, laughing. The children’s hospital ward was my playground. Wheelchair races were my soccer. I couldn’t take ballet because I couldn’t lift my arms above my head.
So why is it that I am now living a contented, fulfilling life, happily married and surrounded by friends? And why is it that my exceptional, gifted brother took his own life forty years ago? No one would have bet on this outcome.
Perhaps a clue lay in our baby photos. As toddlers, each of us had been brought to a professional photographer’s studio. In his photos, my brother sits cooperatively on a wooden stool, holding a ball with stars on it. He looks at the camera with pensive eyes, half-smiling. In another photo, he gamely holds a toy train. Again, he peers into the camera, observing and reticent.
The page turns in the photo album and there I am. I laugh, mouth stretched as wide as possible. I point, tiny eyebrows comically raised. I hold my head coquettishly. I am probably nine months old and clearly having the time of my life. I don’t even need a toy. I’m a party all by myself.
My basic temperament was different from Marc’s. I was friendly; he was introverted. I was optimistic; he tended toward depression. I was gleeful; he was sad. From the start, we displayed these differences, differences, which turn out to be vital factors in our survival.
I have spent my lifetime trying to figure out why I am still here when my brother is not. It feels wrong, even four decades later. I feel his absence as an ache in my chest, a slight stabbing on the left side, like a slender silver knife slipping into my heart. His absence has been present within me, every day of my life.
A day I have grown to loather is National Siblings Day, a reoccurring nightmare of a day, which happens every April 10. My friends post loving photos of themselves, arms around their brother or sister. Sometimes they share old photos taken decades ago and pose cleverly in new photos to recreate the original picture. They stand, embracing each other in an identical pose, but now with gray hair and glasses. They smile, grinning at the years that have passed, sharing the joke together.
I don’t know how National Siblings Day started, or whose bright idea it was. I never used to have to endure this day. My only comfort, and this is cold comfort indeed, is the comradery of my friend’s daughter, who lost her only sibling four years ago. Every year, for the past four years, I have texted dear Laura on April 10th.
“Happy F-g National Siblings Day. I love you.”
Within seconds, Laura responds. “I know. It’s awful. I love you too.”
I am here, Marc is not. I am resilient, despite the odds against me. He was not resilient, despite the odds in his favor. It turns out that being naturally cheerful might be more important than acing the SATs.
Perhaps in this year of COVID-19 and other assorted disasters, the capacity to be cheerful is the most crucial gift of all.
I am upbeat and optimistic, despite being burned, abandoned, neglected, bullied, and despite losing my favorite person in the world. I don’t necessarily mean to be cheerful; it just happens. I’m like the red and white plastic bobber on the end of a fishing line. I go under and then just pop back up again, for no real reason other than that’s just what I do. It’s my temperament; I don’t choose it.
Marc didn’t choose his temperament either; none of us do. Our genes are what they are. But luckily, genetics are not the only factor in resilience. Life experience matters too, and so does social support.
Optimism can be encouraged. Gratitude can be worked on. We can teach people the skills to cope, in our homes, our schools, or our psychotherapy offices.
We can impart the importance of physical, mental, and emotional self-care so they develop a strong foundation of well-being. We can give them tools to handle life’s challenges—like reframing struggles as opportunities, focusing on things they can control, finding strength in all they’ve overcome, and letting other people in. And we can teach them to recognize stress before it escalates so they can calm and soothe themselves.
Resilience is like intelligence: some people are born naturally smarter, but everyone can learn. Some people are born more resilient, but everyone can be helped.
We need to keep our collective eyes out for those who are sad, who seem hopeless, who don’t smile for the camera. We really need to keep our eyes peeled now, during this time of quarantine and social isolation, because emotional distress is on the rise.
Science tells us resilience can be improved. However, offering help will be more complicated, time-consuming, and expensive than simply exhorting, “Be more resilient!” Demanding resilience does not make it happen. Some people need to be taught how.
Let’s not pretend we all begin at the same starting line. And, speaking from a lifetime of missing my brother… let’s not leave anyone behind.
Dr. Lise Deguire is a clinical psychologist in private practice, and author of Flashback Girl: Lessons on Resilience From a Burn Survivor. For more information, please visit www.lisedeguire.com.
Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.
The post Beating the Odds: Why I Survived and My Brother Did Not appeared first on Tiny Buddha.
Which are your favorite Remy Ma quotes? Remy Ma is an American rapper originally known as Rémy Martin. She has been nominated for three Grammy awards. She won the BET Award for Best Female Hip-Hop Artist in 2005 and 2017. Ma’s most successful songs including ‘Ante Up (Remix)’, ‘Lean Back’, ‘Conceited’, and ‘All the Way […]
The post 45 Remy Ma Quotes About Life & Music appeared first on Wealthy Gorilla.
“Don’t shoot what it looks like, shoot what it feels like.” ~David Alan Harvey
Due to the current state of the world, I think it could benefit of us all to be more in the here and now, in the present, where it’s easier to find peace and calm. Or even to just be more mindful, so to speak, in what we say, do, and think, since it’s tempting to lash out at others and focus on the negative during hard times. How we act, interact, and even plan forward are more vital to our mental and physical health than ever.
It isn’t a secret that this pandemic has shifted us as humans—affected our communities and our relationships in more ways than most events in my lifetime have ever done.
It has caused us to pause (okay, more of a hard stop) so that we can really look at what we want vs. what we need. To stop and not only smell the flowers, but to feel them, explore them, and be with them. To decide if we actually really like the flowers or if we want a different color or varietal; or perhaps to determine if flowers are an important presence in our life today, in the here and now.
Many people have mindfulness practices, yet they don’t realize it, whether it’s yoga, qigong, meditation, tai chi, simply taking a walk, or staring out the window. These are all considered mindfulness actions. I do them all.
One of my favorite mindful activities is “awareness breathing.” It is one of the most powerful mindful practices of all. Bringing your screaming mind back to breathing, even if only for a few moments, can completely shift your mindset into calm and present.
Aside from awareness breathing, there is one mindfulness exercise or channel that most don’t even consider. And that, my friends, is photography. Yes, you read that right, good ole, simple photography.
I have really plunged into this throughout the pandemic. I am seventy-five years of age, I travel and live in my caravan trailer, but I am truly never alone.
Something that has saved my sanity through this pandemic and while staying on the road is photographing things I feel. I’m not just talking about taking photos with your friends and family, or of your favorite food dish, I’m talking about being mindful about what you capture on digital film and letting the subjects become your awareness.
I’ve lived a long life and I plan on living to be “holy shoot” old. I truly believe that my beautiful life at this age is the result of practicing mindfulness and picking up my camera, taking it out on a stroll, and being at one with the photos I take.
There are a few things that I feel are important to know and be when it comes to mindfulness through photography. I’m sharing a few with you today with hopes that it inspires you to do the same. Photos are beautiful, personal, and they aren’t something you merely take–they are things that you make.
A few quick tips:
I suspect many of you already carry your phone with you at all times, but probably not a camera. But no phone or camera equals no photos. So just do it. No pockets? Be creative. Hang it around your neck with a holding strap. For women, your waistband, or fanny pack, or better yet get some nice comfy pants with deep pockets.
You aren’t on assignment for National Geographic, and no one is going to pay you squat for these photos, so go ahead and shoot whatever speaks to you.
Stop and look around, sit in silence in your home or outdoor surroundings, and take photos. It could be of raindrops, lichen, flowers, trees, the sidewalk, puddles, the sky, yourself, your foot, a piece of art, a candle burning. Anything goes. Open the cupboards, turn on the faucet, look at ice cubes, the pets. The mindful photo possibilities are endless.
This is where the mindfulness comes in. Look around you and see all of the possibilities for a photo. What is that? What if I got closer? Should I include that thing next to it? What is special about it? Is it the color or shape or texture that attracts you? Are there reflections? What if I bent over or looked at it through the grass or maybe from a different angle? What if I just lie down here and look up? Don’t be in a hurry to take photos.
Slowly in and out, in and out, just breathe. Basically, learn to relax and to not be on a mission. Mindfulness also means being here now, not doing your grocery list or figuring out what to say to your significant other about an issue that has upset you. When your mind wanders, bring it back by simply saying “come back” or “I’m back.”
Be curious about what you are doing and seeing. Open your peripheral vision. Notice things around you. Softscapes like nature and hardscapes like houses, cars, fences, buildings. How do things connect? Where does the sky meet the earth? Where do you fit in? What are people doing if there are people in your vision? Observe and ponder.
…such as “today I will take fifty photos,” or “today I will focus on things that are red,” or “today I will look for reflections.” Take photos of clouds to look at them later and ponder what you see. Or if nothing is coming to you just take photos of everything damn thing you feel like mindfully, and respectfully take that shot. Just remember that setting a purpose will help you focus and slow down.
Leave your friends, children, significant other, dog, and anything that might divert your attention behind. Even if just for a teensy second. This time is for you and you alone. We have enough chatter in our heads to drag along and to bribe to shut up, so let this be about your time. Go early in the morning while your family is still sleeping or doing their morning routine. It is easy to slip out and the light is perfect.
The hard truth is that you are only as good as you choose to be. Don’t blame your phone or the light or anything else for your crappy photos until you have spent some time learning just what amazing things your phone or camera can do.
There are many YouTube videos to get you started, and of course, the store where you purchased your phone or camera. Since I’ve taken a few courses, my photos are 200 percent better than they were and are getting better all the time. I love the easy format and all of the examples. I even learned to edit using a couple of apps. Yes, it cost some money. So does toilet paper. Well worth it.
Taking these photos and printing them into a journal or an online Pinterest board are great ways to share your mindful moments, and will enable you to revisit them when you need them most. Be curious, experiment, and learn all you can, but most of all just breathe, point, and click… mindfully.
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Photography captures life’s moments, thoughts, memories, and feelings. It is also a very simple thing that you can do to bring yourself back into the present again. I like to think of it as another form of meditation.
It can also inspire curiosity and wonder, invoke positivity, and bring calm to your mind and body. Many beautiful things can happen through a lens. Combined with some deep breaths you can truly capture what you feel or want to feel and grab those mindful moments.
No one needs to see your photos. They can be personal and private. You can even start a mindful photography journal and refer to it when you might not feel like looking through a camera lens, but instead feel like reflecting on what you captured previously to bring a sense of mindfulness into your space.
Light, camera… mindfulness.
At sixty, Kathleen earned a Master’s Degree and learned tai-chi while becoming certified to teach. At sixty-three, she joined the Peace Corp and spent two years in Ukraine teaching at a university. In her early seventies she spent three years in Mexico. Today her home is a trailer that she tows around the country with her Outback . . . and she has never been happier with herself or her life. Visit her at kathleensinclair.com.
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