I Stopped Trying to Be Chosen and Finally Found Love

“You can’t perform your way into being loved. You can only reveal yourself and trust that the right person will love what they find.”

Finding the unmarked door, I stepped into a dimly lit room pulsing with that “Love Jones” energy. Neo-soul played low, red lighting cast shadows across faces, and the bass line vibrated through my chest. This was the kind of place where real conversations happened.

I was nursing a cocktail when he appeared beside me. Dark eyes, easy smile, the kind of presence that makes you sit up straighter. “What are you drinking?”

Within minutes, we’d moved past small talk into the deep stuff. Where we were in our journeys. What our goals were. What we really wanted. The conversation felt adult. Intentional.

When he asked for my number and offered his, my heart did that thing it hadn’t done in years. I walked out of that speakeasy floating.

The next day was Sunday—my reset day. I didn’t expect to hear from him immediately. But by Wednesday, the silence was loud. Time flies when you’re busy helping others, and I’d been busy all week.

I texted him a quick hello, letting him know I’d enjoyed our conversation and looked forward to hearing from him. He never called.

I was baffled. He approached me. He asked for my number. What had I done wrong?

I pulled out my journal and replayed the night frame by frame. What had I asked him? About his career. His family. His dreams for the future. All the right open-ended questions to draw someone out and make them feel seen.

That’s when it hit me.

I’m a high school counselor. I have a master’s degree and years of experience building rapport with teenagers and their families. People tell me they’re naturally drawn to me, that I make them feel safe enough to be vulnerable. It’s my gift.

But on that date, I’d been in counselor mode. I’d been so focused on connecting with him—asking questions, creating safety, facilitating depth—that I’d never stopped to ask myself: Do I even want to connect to him?

I wasn’t being fake. I was being authentically… professional. And that was the problem.

This wasn’t new. I thought back to other dates. The lawyer who talked about his divorce for forty minutes while I nodded empathetically. The teacher who shared his dreams of starting a nonprofit while I asked thoughtful follow-up questions. The musician who opened up about his complicated relationship with his father while I created space for his feelings.

I’d left each date thinking it went well. But I’d never once asked myself: Was I attracted to them? Did their values align with mine? Did I enjoy the conversation, or was I just facilitating it?

I had no idea. Because I was too busy being good at my job.

This worked in my office. It didn’t work on dates. I wasn’t clocking in. I needed to stop leaning into my professional skills and start getting real about what I actually wanted.

I began reading Loving Bravely. Journaling nightly. Listening to Louise Hay. Continuing my yoga practice. I wasn’t being fake on dates, but I didn’t know what I was looking for either.

Once I figured out what I loved about myself, I could articulate what I desired in a partner. A true best friend who would hang out with me, support my dreams, and have dreams of his own. Someone who wouldn’t try to control me or make me lose myself.

I’d been down that path before. I decided I’d rather be single than settle.

So I got to work. Not on finding a man—on finding me.

I took a hard look at my past relationships. What I’d tolerated. What I’d ignored. What I’d given up to keep the peace. It became painfully obvious: I’d been so focused on being chosen that I’d forgotten I was also choosing.

I gave myself grace. I didn’t grow up in a two-parent household, so I had no relationship template to reference. I was figuring out this self-love thing as I lived it, every single day.

It wasn’t easy. But I knew my person wasn’t going to knock on my door while I was busy performing for strangers.

I started dating myself. I didn’t wait to be asked out to get dolled up. I made plans to celebrate my own life.

I stopped accepting last-minute invites. Someone who truly respected me would plan ahead, not assume I was sitting at home waiting to be chosen.

Shifting my mindset from “being chosen” to “choosing” gave me the confidence to ask different questions on dates. What were you listening to in your car? Are you open to marriage? Do you want kids? I didn’t care if they thought I was too direct.

My online profile was honest about what I wanted while still showing my personality—silly, bubbly, compassionate. When a connection moved to a phone call, I’d set the tone: “Hey, we’re both looking for our person. If it doesn’t feel right—for either of us—let’s call it respectfully.”

Most said they were cool with that. Some probably even meant it.

For the first time, I was choosing to use my voice and set boundaries. And as difficult as it was to say “no thank you,” I did it.

I remember one date where we met for drinks after work. I didn’t do dinner dates anymore—no need to be stuck with the wrong person for that long. He was handsome. The conversation was fine. But my gut knew this wasn’t a romantic match, and I wasn’t looking for friends.

When he asked if he could walk me to my car, I said, “I’m actually going to grab dinner at the bar.” He asked if I wanted company.

I said no.

Old me would’ve said yes out of politeness. New me ordered wine and savored every bite of my meal alone. This was the first time I’d felt confident eating by myself in public, and it felt powerful.

I wasn’t looking to marry just anyone. I was looking for my person. And that required putting myself first.

I started trying new things alone. I took a jewelry-making class at the community college—partly because I love jewelry, partly because who knows where you might meet someone. It didn’t lead to love, but I did meet one of my now-best friends.

For months, I dated intentionally. Some guys were nice but not my guy. Some revealed themselves to be jerks within five minutes. I learned to walk away without guilt or explanation.

I was getting tired. But I’d made a promise to myself: no settling. So I kept showing up.

Then there was Seth from Seattle. We’d been texting for weeks after matching online. His profile mentioned how much he loved “the PNW.” I had to google what that meant—I thought it might be something sexual. It meant Pacific Northwest.

He was fun to talk to and made me laugh. Sometimes I’d go silent for days, but every time I responded, it felt easy. Natural. He remembered details about my life. He was vulnerable about his past relationships. He could articulate what he wanted.

When he invited me to dinner a month in advance—he was coming to Arizona for a conference—I broke my drinks-only rule. Something about him felt different.

Dinner happened, and so did all those clichés I’d rolled my eyes at. “You’ll know when you know.” “It happens when you least expect it.” As soon as I got out of my car and saw him standing there, I felt it.

We sat side by side at the restaurant, talked for hours, and I knew: this was alignment I didn’t have to manufacture. We were on the same page without me having to facilitate getting there.

Before he flew home, I called him from my car. “I wanted to make sure you know how much I like you.” He said, “I like you too.”

That moment wasn’t about being chosen. It was about having the courage to choose—and to voice it without performing or playing games.

I was proud of myself. Not for finding love, but for doing the work to love myself first. For saying no to what didn’t align. For showing up as me—unpolished, unperforming, utterly myself.

I’d learned that my professional strengths—connecting with people, creating safety, facilitating vulnerability—could actually sabotage me in dating. I’d been performing without realizing it. Being authentic while still auditioning. And that kept me from real connection.

Once I did the work, I approached dating differently. I didn’t walk into dates hoping he’d like me. I walked in hoping to discover if we were aligned. And I trusted myself enough to walk away when we weren’t.

Nothing worth having comes easy. Think about your career, that goal you achieved, that commitment you kept. It took work. Daily effort. Dating with intention is no different.

If I could tell that woman in the speakeasy anything, it would be this: Your professional skills are gifts. But on dates, they’re armor. You can’t build real intimacy while you’re busy facilitating a nice conversation.

The right person won’t need you to be good at connecting. They’ll need you to be honest about whether you’re connected. And that requires showing up raw—unpolished, unperforming, willing to be seen.

Stop auditioning. Start choosing. The rest will follow.

See more posts

About Gabriela Holt

After surviving domestic violence, Gabriela began her self-love journey. Four years later, she met Seth. When breast cancer appeared three years into their relationship, choosing herself became daily practice, not just survival. A Professional Certified Coach (PCC) and founder of Golden Hour Life Coaching, she helps high-achievers stop performing for love. Featured on Finding the Unicorn in You podcast and higher education conferences on resilience, she lives in Washington with Seth and Rookie. https://www.goldenhourlifecoaching.com/

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/KA0rkbt

Need a Break from Everything?

I think it’s probably fair to say that most of us are feeling overwhelmed right now. We’re all dealing with a lot. Work stress. Family responsibilities. Relationship struggles. Health challenges. The pressure to keep going even when we’re absolutely exhausted.

Lately my own life has been ridiculously full. Between running the site, homeschooling my older son, and navigating some stressful family situations, I’ve often felt like I’m in survival mode. I’m sure a lot of you know what that’s like.

And it’s not just busyness that makes it all feel so draining. It’s also the constant noise. Even if you’re not a parent to young kids, the noisiest humans on the planet, you’re still exposed to a constant barrage of notifications, texts, news updates, and requests—not to mention the internal pressure we feel to do more, achieve more, and figure everything out.

When it all feels like too much, we might think we need new tools, strategies, and apps to make things easier. And sometimes those things can help.

But often what we need most is just space—to breathe, reconnect with ourselves, and simply be. With nothing to do, nothing to fix, and nothing to prove. Just room to exist in peace for a bit and remember who we are under all the stress.

If any of this sounds familiar, I think you might appreciate what I have to share from Omega Institute, this month’s site sponsor—including a free resource you can explore right away.

This week Omega released its 2026 catalog, with more than 300 workshops, conferences, and retreats

Explore Omega’s 2026 Workshops & Retreats

Located in New York’s Hudson Valley, Omega has been a gathering place for those seeking healing and transformation for decades. Over the years, teachers like Pema Chödrön and Ram Dass have helped shape the mindfulness and personal growth movements from its campus.

And each season brings a new wave of voices and wisdom.

This year’s faculty includes beloved authors and teachers such as Gabrielle Bernstein, Liz Gilbert, and many others guiding conversations on creativity, healing, spirituality, and conscious living.

I heard great things about Omega when I lived in New York in my early twenties, and honestly, I would have benefited from a retreat back then. But life happened, as it tends to do, and since having kids my free time has shrunk considerably.

If you have more flexibility in your schedule than I do right now, I’ll just have to live vicariously through you until I can experience Omega for myself!

It’s not just the programs that people rave about.  It’s the feeling of being there.

Attendees often describe arriving at Omega the same way: they step onto the land and feel their shoulders drop. They exhale. They realize how long they’ve been holding their breath—physically and emotionally.

There’s a warmth there. A welcoming community. A sense of safety and openness that reminds you that you don’t have to prove anything. You don’t have to perform. You can just be.

And sometimes that’s the most healing experience of all.

One of the things that makes Omega approachable is that you don’t have to “qualify” to attend.

You don’t have to be a long-time meditator. You don’t have to be spiritual. You don’t have to have it all figured out.

And if traveling to a retreat isn’t possible, Omega also offers online workshops.

Whether you’re burnt out, curious, heartbroken, in transition, or simply ready to grow, Omega offers a retreat or workshop that can help, with many focused on:

• Mindfulness and meditation
• Sleep and deep rest
• Yoga and movement
• Creativity and writing
• Emotional wellness and relationships
• Health and healing
• Leadership and personal growth
• Spiritual exploration

Browse All Omega Workshops

And lastly, a gift just for you: In celebration of Sleep Week, Omega created a collection of FREE resources specifically for the Tiny Buddha community.

The collection includes simple practices focused on mindfulness, rest, and inspiration, along with quotes and teachings from beloved Omega faculty such as Ram Dass and Pema Chödrön.

If you’ve been feeling depleted, scattered, or disconnected, improving your sleep and finding small ways to slow down each day can make a real difference.

Get Free Mindfulness + Sleep Resources

Whether you explore a retreat or simply take a few mindful moments for yourself today, I hope this helps bring a little more calm into your week.

See more posts

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/qdrYuVc

What I Ask Myself Now Instead of “What’s Wrong with Me?”

“With self-compassion, we give ourselves the same kindness and care we’d give to a good friend.” ~Kristin Neff

For a long time, I carried a question with me that I rarely said out loud.

It wasn’t dramatic. It didn’t sound cruel. It felt reasonable—even responsible.

What’s wrong with me?

The question surfaced whenever I felt stuck. When motivation disappeared. When I couldn’t seem to do the things I thought I should be able to do with ease. It appeared quietly in moments of overwhelm, in the pause before self-judgment set in.

I asked it sincerely. I believed it was the right place to start.

If something in my life wasn’t working, then surely the answer was somewhere inside me. A mindset issue. A discipline problem. A flaw I hadn’t yet identified. I assumed that once I found it, everything else would fall into place.

So I turned inward with determination.

I read books. I paid close attention to my thoughts. I tried to become more self-aware, more evolved, more capable. I believed that growth meant constant self-examination—and that asking hard questions was a sign of maturity.

But over time, something about that question began to feel off.

Each time I asked what was wrong with me, I didn’t feel clearer. I felt tighter.

My chest would constrict. My shoulders would rise. My breath would shallow without my noticing. My mind would rush ahead, searching for an explanation quickly, as if speed itself might bring relief.

I didn’t realize it then, but my body was responding as though it were under interrogation.

The question carried an assumption I hadn’t questioned: that something was significantly wrong, and that it was my responsibility to find and correct it.

At first, I thought the discomfort meant I wasn’t trying hard enough. That I needed more insight. More effort. More honesty with myself. So I pressed on.

But the more I asked that question, the more guarded I became. Instead of opening me, it made me defensive. Instead of helping me understand myself, it trained me to watch myself closely, looking for mistakes.

I was trying to heal, but I was doing it through suspicion.

The shift didn’t happen in a single moment of clarity. There was no dramatic breakthrough or revelation. It arrived through something quieter and less flattering.

Exhaustion.

One day, I noticed I could no longer keep treating myself like a problem to be solved. I was tired of analyzing every reaction, every delay, every moment of resistance as evidence of failure.

I was tired of standing across from myself with a clipboard.

And in that tiredness, a different question appeared—not forced, not intentional, just present. What happened to me?

The effect was immediate and physical.

My breath slowed. My shoulders dropped. My body softened in a way it hadn’t in years. I wasn’t bracing for an answer. I wasn’t scrambling to justify myself or explain my behavior.

That question didn’t demand a verdict. It invited context.

Instead of asking myself to defend or correct, it allowed me to notice. It made room for history. For experience. For the possibility that my reactions made sense.

I began to see that responses don’t appear out of nowhere. That patterns are learned for reasons. That what we often label as self-sabotage is sometimes the nervous system doing exactly what it learned to do to survive.

Growing up, I learned to pay close attention to myself—my tone, my reactions, my emotional presence. I grew up in a setting where authority figures were quick to correct and slow to ask questions, where being observant and self-adjusting felt necessary to stay out of trouble and feel accepted. Over time, that quiet self-monitoring became so familiar it felt like responsibility, like maturity, like self-awareness.

I started paying attention to how often I moved through my days braced against myself—monitoring my productivity, judging my energy levels, questioning my worth when I couldn’t keep up with my own expectations.

When I caught myself doing that, I tried something new.

I paused.

I noticed what my body was doing before I analyzed what my mind was saying. I asked whether I was tired rather than lazy. Overwhelmed rather than unmotivated. In need of reassurance rather than discipline.

I didn’t always have answers. Sometimes all I could do was acknowledge that something felt hard.

But that alone was different.

Instead of interrogating myself, I offered context.

Slowly, that changed the relationship I had with my own struggles. I stopped treating them as personal defects and started seeing them as information.

I began to understand that what I had labeled as failure was often fatigue. That what I called resistance was often protection. That what I judged as weakness was frequently a system that had learned to stay alert in order to stay safe.

Nothing was wrong with me.

I was responding to my life.

That realization didn’t fix everything overnight. I still had habits to unlearn. I still had days where old patterns showed up. But the tone of my inner world changed.

I stopped approaching myself with suspicion and started meeting myself with curiosity.

And that shift mattered more than any strategy I had tried before.

Healing didn’t begin when I found the right answers. It began when I asked a kinder question.

If you find yourself caught in that familiar loop—endlessly searching for what’s wrong with you—it may be worth noticing what that question does to your body.

Does it soften you, or does it make you brace?

Does it open understanding, or does it quietly place you on trial?

You don’t need to diagnose yourself. You don’t need to analyze every reaction.

You might begin simply by allowing the possibility that your responses make sense, and that understanding, rather than correction, could be where healing starts.

See more posts

About Amy Hale

Amy Hale is a restorative coach and hypnotherapist who writes about self-compassion, emotional fatigue, and the quiet work of healing. Her perspective blends lived experience with a deep respect for the nervous system and the stories we tell ourselves. She shares reflections and resources at changing-lanes.com and on Instagram @iamamyhale.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/Q2vNFsD

Why Letting Myself Fall Apart Set Me Free

“Ironically enough, when you make peace with the fact that the purpose of life is not happiness but rather experience and growth, happiness comes as a natural byproduct. When you are not seeking it as the objective, it will find its way to you.” ~Unknown

I had ten days to pack up my life.

I was moving from Toronto to Florida, and I decided—very confidently—that I would only take what fit in my SUV. Everything else would be donated, sold, or given away. Ten days. One car. A clean slate.

It felt intentional. Grounded. Like the kind of choice someone who had “done the work” would make.

What I didn’t account for was everything else unraveling at the same time.

During those ten days, I found out I owed thousands of dollars in unexpected car repairs just to buy out my lease so I could import the vehicle.

Then a close friend called to tell me she was hurt by how I had handled something important in her life. It caught me completely off guard and shook me more than I expected.

Around the same time, I made the painful decision to give my rescued dog back to her foster parents after having her for three years.

I was also leaving the place where I had found deep solitude and stability—the place where I had become the woman I had worked so hard to become. And I was moving into a new home, in a new country, with a new partner.

It was a lot of change layered onto a tight, self-imposed deadline. And despite everything I knew and practiced, I felt like I was falling apart.

I didn’t understand why.

Every morning, I did all the things I believed were supposed to help. I journaled. I meditated longer. I added more breathwork. I went to the gym. I told myself to stay grounded, stay present, stay grateful.

But none of it was working.

I was anxious. I wanted to cry constantly but held it down. I felt overwhelmed—and embarrassed by how emotional I was. I kept thinking, I should be able to handle this better than I am.

That thought became its own kind of pressure.

I had spent years building tools to support myself—mindfulness, reflection, awareness. And yet here I was, spiraling in the middle of what was supposed to be a conscious, aligned life transition.

The more I tried to pull myself together, the worse I felt.

One afternoon, my partner and I were standing in my storage unit, trying to pack up the last of my things. We were shoving boxes into tight spaces, including items that had belonged to my dad, who had passed away years earlier—things I still wasn’t quite ready to let go of.

Suddenly, I couldn’t do it anymore.

I didn’t talk myself through it. I didn’t breathe my way out of it. I didn’t reach for perspective or grounding. I just cried.

I cried right there in the storage unit, surrounded by boxes, grief, and exhaustion. I cried in front of my partner, without apology or explanation. For the first time in days, maybe weeks, I stopped trying to stay composed.

And something shifted.

Not because the situation changed, but because I let myself feel it.

In that moment, I saw what I hadn’t been able to see before: I wasn’t struggling because I was emotional. I was struggling because I believed I wasn’t supposed to be.

Somewhere along the way, I had started judging my emotions as a sign that something was wrong. Sadness meant I wasn’t healed enough. Overwhelm meant I wasn’t grounded enough. Being triggered felt like failure.

So I kept trying to manage myself out of those feelings.

I thought peace meant staying regulated—staying calm and steady no matter what was happening around me. But that belief was quietly working against me.

What I finally understood, standing there in that storage unit, was that peace isn’t something we maintain by holding ourselves together. It’s something we return to after we let ourselves feel.

My emotions weren’t the problem. My resistance to them was.

I had been using all the right tools, but with the wrong intention. Instead of allowing my feelings to move through me, I was trying to control them—to make sure I didn’t feel too sad, too overwhelmed, too shaken.

The tools themselves weren’t wrong. Breathwork, meditation, journaling, and mindful movement are powerful ways to help emotions move through the body. What I hadn’t realized yet was that I was using them to control my experience instead of allowing myself to feel it.

I didn’t realize how much energy that kind of self-management takes until I stopped doing it.

After that moment, we went back up to my condo. I asked my partner if he could go for a walk so I could be alone. I didn’t need advice or reassurance. I just needed the space to let everything I had been holding spill out.

I lay down on my bed and let it all out.

For about ten minutes, I cried. I shook. I spoke out loud to no one in particular, saying the things I had been trying to keep contained—the grief, the guilt, the fear, the pressure I had been putting on myself to handle all of this with grace.

I didn’t try to make it sound resolved. I didn’t stop myself when my voice cracked or when the same thought came out twice.

I just let it move.

And when it was done, something surprised me. I felt lighter. Not because the circumstances had changed. Not because I had figured anything out. But because the emotion had passed through instead of getting trapped inside me.

That was the moment everything changed.

I realized I didn’t actually need to always have it together.

I had been living with an unspoken rule that being grounded meant being composed—that if I had truly grown, I wouldn’t fall apart anymore. But what I experienced that day showed me the opposite.

The relief didn’t come from staying regulated. It came from releasing the pressure to be regulated at all times.

What I found wasn’t collapse—it was freedom.

Freedom from constantly monitoring myself. Freedom from labeling emotions as good or bad. Freedom from turning every feeling into something that needed to be managed or fixed.

And the more I practiced letting emotions pass through me—without judgment or urgency—the easier it became.

I started to notice something subtle but profound: the emotions didn’t last as long anymore.

When I didn’t resist them, they moved faster. When I didn’t label them as failure, they softened sooner. The whole experience felt cleaner—more honest, less exhausting.

This is something many spiritual and philosophical teachings point to: non-judgment, non-attachment, allowing what is.

I had understood those ideas intellectually for years. But living them—actually letting myself feel without labeling the experience as wrong—changed something in my body, not just my mind.

It taught me that peace isn’t fragile.

It doesn’t disappear the moment we cry or feel unsteady. Peace isn’t something we lose when emotions show up—it’s something we come back to once we stop fighting them.

I began to see peace less as a permanent state I needed to protect and more as a steady place I could return to.

A reset.

That didn’t mean I stopped feeling deeply. If anything, I felt more. But the feelings no longer scared me. They no longer meant I was unraveling or going backward. They became part of the movement of being alive—signals, waves that rose and passed.

I could feel sadness without becoming it. I could feel overwhelm without drowning in it. I could feel grief without believing something was wrong with me.

That’s when I understood that emotional freedom doesn’t come from controlling what we feel. It comes from trusting ourselves to move through it.

Looking back now, I don’t see that season as a breakdown. I see it as a recalibration.

A reminder that growth doesn’t mean we stop being human. It means we stop abandoning ourselves when being human gets uncomfortable.

And once you experience the freedom of letting emotions pass through instead of pinning them down, you don’t forget it.

You remember that you don’t need to hold yourself together to be okay.

You just need to let yourself be real—and trust that steadiness knows how to find you again.

See more posts

About Sara Mitich

Sara Mitich helps people reconnect with themselves and move through life’s challenges with more clarity, peace, and self-trust. As the founder of Gratitude & Growth, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset, and emotional resilience. She offers a free guide for navigating emotions with greater clarity and compassion at www.therset.com/guide.

More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/AlKLgQh

When “Better” Becomes a Trap: How I Learned to Hope Without Clinging

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

For most of my life, hoping for something better wasn’t a problem. It was my fuel.

If everything had lined up the way I once imagined, it would have looked something like this: steady financial security, meaningful creative work recognized by the world, a sense of arrival—finally—after decades of effort. I would be teaching or creating without scrambling, my work fully valued, my future predictable enough to relax into.

That picture lived quietly in the background of my days. I didn’t obsess over it, but I leaned toward it. “Better” wasn’t a luxury. It was direction. “Best” was the silent promise I used to keep myself going when things felt uncertain or unfinished.

And for a long time, that way of living worked.

Until I noticed what it was costing me.

When Hope Turns into Pressure

At first, the idea of “better” feels like light. It lifts you. It motivates you. It helps you endure difficulty.

But slowly, almost invisibly, it can turn into something heavier.

Without realizing it, I began using the future as a measuring stick for the present:

This isn’t enough yet. I’m not enough yet. I’ll be okay when…

Even moments that were meaningful—writing something honest, helping a student, finishing a creative piece—felt provisional. Valuable, yes, but incomplete. They were always pointing toward something else that needed to happen before I could relax.

That’s when I began to understand what Buddhist teachings mean by craving—not simple desire but grasping. The kind of wanting that tightens around outcomes and makes peace conditional.

It doesn’t sound dramatic. It sounds reasonable:

“I just want things to improve.” “I just want stability.” “I just want this to work out.”

But underneath those sentences was something more fragile:

I can’t rest until the future cooperates.

The Moment It Became Clear

What finally shifted me wasn’t a dramatic awakening.

It was exhaustion.

I was tired of carrying invisible deadlines for happiness. Tired of postponing contentment. Tired of living as if my real life hadn’t started yet—especially as time, health, and certainty became less negotiable.

I realized I was leaning so hard toward the future that I was barely inhabiting the present.

That’s when I began to see the difference between moving forward and leaning forward too hard.

One is healthy effort. The other is clinging.

The Kind of Hope That Doesn’t Hurt

Buddhism didn’t teach me to stop wanting.

It taught me to change the quality of wanting.

I had to decide what direction truly mattered to me if outcomes were no longer guaranteed.

The direction I chose was this: to stay committed to presence, honesty, and service—whether or not recognition, security, or resolution followed.

That meant continuing to write truthfully even when it didn’t lead to immediate validation. Teaching or mentoring one person at a time instead of waiting for the “right” platform. Choosing integrity and attentiveness over the promise of eventual payoff.

Hope stopped being a contract with the future. It became a relationship with the present.

Direction Instead of Demand

I still imagine better possibilities. I still care deeply about growth, creative work, and meaningful connection. But now I try to hold those desires as direction, not demand.

Direction asks:

What matters today? What small step reflects my values? How can I practice kindness right now?

Demand asks:

When will this pay off? Why isn’t this working yet? What’s wrong with me?

One opens the heart. The other tightens it.

Wanting Without Ownership

One of the most freeing realizations was this:

I can want something deeply and still remain at peace if it doesn’t unfold the way I hoped.

I learned to ask myself a simple question:

“If this doesn’t happen the way I want, can I still stay present with my life?”

There were times the answer was yes.

For example, I continued writing and submitting essays without knowing whether they would be accepted or lead anywhere. I showed up anyway—because the act of writing itself felt aligned, regardless of outcome.

There were also times the answer was no.

I noticed moments when I was clinging—checking results compulsively, tying my self-worth to responses, or feeling crushed by silence. When that happened, I knew I had crossed from direction into demand.

So I stepped back. I rested. I returned to what I could offer without ownership: attention, care, honesty, presence.

Freedom lives there.

Imagining Without Escaping

I used to escape into visions of a better future.

Now I try something gentler.

Instead of asking, “How do I get to the perfect version of my life?” I ask, “What would a slightly more awake version of today look like?”

Maybe it’s listening more carefully. Maybe it’s resting instead of pushing. Maybe it’s writing one honest paragraph. Maybe it’s breathing instead of bracing.

This kind of imagination doesn’t pull me away from the present.

It brings me home to it.

You Only Have to Stay

What I keep learning—slowly, imperfectly—is that I don’t have to solve my whole future.

I only have to stay.

Stay with effort. Stay with uncertainty. Stay with compassion. Stay with the messy, unfinished present moment.

This isn’t resignation. It’s devotion.

When desire arises, I gently shift the language in my mind:

Instead of: “I want this outcome.” I say: “I commit to this direction.”

Instead of: “I need this to be okay.” I say: “I will practice being okay while I walk.”

It’s a small change. But it softens the grip of craving and opens space for peace.

A Different Kind of Hope

Real hope doesn’t promise comfort.

It offers companionship.

It doesn’t guarantee the future.

It teaches us how to stay present with whatever arrives.

And strangely, that kind of hope feels stronger than the old version.

Not because it controls life—but because it finally trusts it.

See more posts

About Tony Collins

Edward “Tony” Collins, EdD, MFA, is a documentary filmmaker, writer, educator, and disability advocate living with progressive vision loss from macular degeneration. His work explores presence, caregiving, resilience, and the quiet power of small moments. He is currently completing books on creative scholarship and collaborative documentary filmmaking and shares personal essays about meaning, hope, and disability on Substack. Connect: substack.com/@iefilm | iefilm.com

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/NhOHa93

What It Cost Me to Always Be the Easy One

“When you say yes to others, make sure you are not saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

I grew up as the first-born daughter—the responsible one, the helper, the one who didn’t want to cause trouble. I learned early how to be “good.” Good meant quiet. Good meant easy. Good meant not needing much.

What I didn’t realize then was that I was learning how to abandon myself.

School was hard for me in ways I didn’t know how to explain. I struggled with reading. I struggled with focus. I struggled with keeping up—especially compared to my younger sister, who could read something once and seem to understand it instantly.

I stayed up late studying. I rewrote notes. I worked twice as hard to get half as far. No one ever said the words dyslexia or ADHD to me. Back then, girls like me didn’t “have” ADHD—we were labeled sensitive, scattered, anxious, dramatic, emotional, or “just not trying hard enough.”

So I tried harder. I pushed. I overworked. I internalized the belief that something about me was defective—that ease was for other people. And because I was the oldest, I didn’t want to be the difficult one. I didn’t want to be the problem. So I worked quietly. I struggled silently. I stayed small with my needs.

Self-abandonment doesn’t start with dramatic sacrifice. It starts with tiny moments of choosing everyone else’s comfort over your own truth. By the time I became an adult, that pattern was deeply wired.

Then I became pregnant for the first time. I didn’t tell many people at first. I was careful with my joy. Cautious. Hopeful in a quiet way.

When I miscarried, the loss felt invisible to everyone but me. There was no baby shower to cancel. No nursery to dismantle. Just an empty space where a future had briefly lived.

I told myself to move on. I told myself it “wasn’t the same” as losing a child. I told myself not to make it a big deal. But grief that isn’t allowed to be felt doesn’t disappear. It gets buried in the body.

Not long after, I became pregnant again. And then again. By the time I became a mother, I already knew how to override my own fear. How to function through pain. How to stay composed when everything inside me was trembling.

When my first child was born, I didn’t say, “I’m overwhelmed.” I said, “I’ve got this.”

When my second child arrived far too early and was taken straight to the NICU, I didn’t say, “I’m terrified.” I said, “Tell me what to do.”

When my body started breaking under the weight of stress, exhaustion, and fear, I didn’t say, “I need help.” I said, “I’ll push through.” This is what first-born daughters do.

We choose harmony over honesty. We choose being needed over needing. We choose peace—even when the cost is ourselves.

The NICU days blurred together. Hospital parking tickets. Beeping monitors. Wires and alarms. A breast pump on the kitchen counter. A toddler at home needing dinner and bedtime stories. And because I didn’t qualify for leave and we couldn’t afford for me not to work, I went back to my job almost immediately.

I didn’t have a choice. I had used up my leave, my wife was still in college, and I was the only thing standing between my family and a total financial freefall.  I was the income. I was the insurance. So I carried it all.

For years, I looked like I was handling it. But inside, I was fraying at the edges.

Every January—the anniversary of that trauma—my nervous system would just ignite. I told myself I had “seasonal depression” or just “bad winters,” but the truth was that my body was keeping a tally of everything my mind was too busy to process.

Trauma doesn’t always look like a dramatic flashback. Sometimes it’s just a quiet, relentless obsession with keeping everything “just right” because you’re terrified that if you let go of one thread, the whole world will end. Eventually, that bill comes due. You can’t keep disappearing for the sake of everyone else and expect to have a self to come back to.

Eventually, the cost of abandoning myself became impossible to ignore. Burnout settled into my bones. Anger simmered under my skin. Resentment followed me like a shadow.

The shift for me didn’t happen in one dramatic moment. It happened in a thousand tiny ones—each time my body asked me to slow down and I ignored it, until eventually it stopped whispering and started shouting.

The true cost of this “reliability” became terrifyingly clear during my second pregnancy. I was in a hospital bed, physically fragile under the weight of preeclampsia—a condition where my body was literally under attack by my own blood pressure. In that moment, the world should have shrunk down to just me and my breath. Instead, I was playing the “Calm One.”

I was on the phone talking my wife off a ledge over a biology class. I was managing my mother’s frustration over a toddler’s tantrum in the background. I was absorbing their angry tones and their anxiety, acting as a human shock absorber while my own blood pressure climbed.

I chose not to take it personally because I was too busy ensuring they didn’t fall apart. Twenty-four hours later, my body could no longer sustain the pressure, and I was forced into an emergency premature delivery. My body had been shouting, but I was too busy listening to everyone else.

When I finally began to listen—to my body, to my grief, to my long-buried exhaustion—I realized something heartbreaking and liberating at the same time: Self-abandonment once kept me safe. Now it was keeping me stuck.

Listening to my body also meant circling back to older grief I had minimized for years, including my miscarriage.

For the first time, I let myself feel the miscarriage instead of minimizing it. I let myself grieve the years of undiagnosed struggle in school. I let myself grieve the young mother who never got to rest. I let myself grieve the little girl who learned that needing less was safer. And instead of judging those versions of me, I met them with compassion. I didn’t fail them. I protected them the only way I knew how.

Choosing myself didn’t happen all at once. It happened in small, shaky ways. I paused before saying yes. I let people be disappointed. I named my needs without apologizing for them. I spoke when I would have stayed quiet. I rested when I would have pushed through. I made space for my emotions instead of swallowing them.

I remember one specific Saturday. The house was a disaster, the laundry was a mountain, and I could feel my family’s eyes on me, waiting for me to manage the chaos of the day. Usually, my script was to push through the exhaustion until I eventually snapped at everyone. This time, I just paused.

“I’m going upstairs to lie down for an hour,” I said.

My heart was pounding like I was confessing to a crime. I walked away and left the laundry on the floor. I let my wife handle the toddler’s inevitable snack-time meltdown. I let them be disappointed in me. And the world didn’t end. I got some pushback, mostly because I had broken the easy status quo, but it didn’t matter.

Sitting on my bed, staring at the ceiling in total silence—not thinking about a to-do list for once—felt like a revelation. Choosing yourself doesn’t have to be loud or selfish. It’s a quiet, steady realization that your peace is just as non-negotiable as everyone else’s.

Slowly, the patterns that had once ruled me began to loosen. The emotional eating softened. The resentment faded. The anger lost its edge. I began to feel joy without waiting for the other shoe to drop. I could look at my children and feel presence instead of panic. Gratitude instead of fear. Love instead of constant vigilance.

I am still a work in progress.

And for the first time in my life, I am deeply okay with that.

If you are the first-born child who learned to be small…

If you are the one who worked twice as hard just to keep up…

If you were never identified as struggling because you internalized everything…

If you learned to disappear to keep the peace…

If parenthood magnified every old wound you never had time to heal…

Hear this: You are not broken. You were brilliant at surviving. But survival is not the same thing as living.

You are allowed to have needs. You are allowed to take up space. You are allowed to rest without earning it. You are allowed to say no without explaining yourself. You are allowed to be cared for, not just relied upon.

You don’t have to choose yourself loudly. You just have to choose yourself consistently. Even gently. Even imperfectly. Even one small boundary at a time. You don’t disappear all at once. And you don’t come back to yourself all at once either. You return in pieces. In breaths. In honest sentences. In moments where you stop and ask: What do I need right now?

And then—slowly—you begin to answer yourself.

See more posts

About Erin Vandermore

Erin Vandermore is a licensed therapist, mother of two, and creator of Mind Circuit, a neuroscience-informed mental hygiene app. After years of living in survival mode, she now shares gentle tools for nervous system healing. You can experience one of her 60-second “Brain Flossing” calming resets for free via her APP Mind Circuit created for moments when your body needs relief more than advice. Follow @mindcircuitapp on Instagram and Facebook.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/JC6e3Yr

How Old Traumas Can Cause Self-Doubt in Destructive Relationships

“Sometimes people wound us because they’re wounded and tell us we’re broken because that’s how they feel, but we don’t have to believe them.” ~Lori Deschene

Age and healing don’t make you invulnerable to moments that can bring you back to the kind of trauma you experienced as a child. It doesn’t mean that you’re broken, but that there is still an opportunity for more healing to take place. Nothing is inherently “wrong” with you.

I experienced a great deal of trauma in my twenties, actively reliving sexual abuse I had gone through in my childhood, and found myself in and out of psych wards to contain my grief. After I turned thirty, I thought this was my life now and that I would never find peace, especially since I didn’t have a great reference point for it.

It wasn’t psychiatry or therapy that saved me, but rather creating a spiritual relationship with myself. Integrating things like meditation, prayer, and living a life of service to others is what helped pull me out of that vortex. It’s been three years now, and I still haven’t stepped back into a mental hospital. Also, I’ve been able to stay afloat financially, have friends, and accomplish many goals.

However, I met someone earlier this year, who I’ll call Brian. He was unlike any man I had ever met because he embodied extreme strength while simultaneously being extremely raw. When I met him, I thought, “This feels familiar.” He seemed a lot like me. And I wanted to get to know this man more deeply. Was he a wounded soldier, like me?

After we spent the first night together being romantic and soft, he did everything he could to sabotage our connection. He withdrew, started being hot and cold, and started bringing up other women to try to get me jealous, which he later admitted was to test me.

I could tell that he didn’t like that I could really “see” him. Energetically, I could feel his pain, and I supported him as he vented about his trauma. And although I didn’t technically want to “save” him, I felt relieved that I met someone who embodied the same painful duality that I did. It made me feel some camaraderie. It made me feel tender toward him.

Despite our chemistry being amazing, he did not regard me in the same way. After his charm wore off, he became exceedingly mean, repeating a pattern of ignoring me, coming back, and eventually, apologizing and making me feel special. Any time there was a rupture in our dynamic, he would blame me for it. In short, he was incredibly critical of me while I continued to make excuses for him.

However, I had so much self-doubt and self-hatred left over from my multiple hospitalizations in my twenties that I thought I was, in fact, the problem—and that I was solely the problem. At this point, I was still indoctrinated with the belief that enduring pain was part of real love.

I began to regress in this dynamic, falling into self-destructive patterns from my childhood, like disordered eating and cutting, and I started feeling depressed and anxious.

When I communicated this to him, he made it clear that I was on my own with all the feelings this dynamic brought up in me. But because of my old wounds, I felt like I had to keep earning his love back to be okay. It was absolutely miserable.

Eventually, I saw that Brian could never face or acknowledge the fact that although we had a connection –and he kept coming back—he couldn’t sustain intimacy because of what it brought up in him. Instead, he framed it as though I’d done something that “pushed” him away or turned him off.

I’m sure that many times, I was a turn-off by being clingier than most women my age would be. But it did not justify his abusive actions. Also, I now see that his inconsistency and withdrawal only increased my need for reassurance.

Now, I am not a judgmental person because of what I’ve been through, but at some point, I had to see his mistreatment for what it was. He would punish me with the silent treatment for weeks on end, name-call, and use leverage, like money, to try to maintain the upper hand.

Eventually, no matter what tenderness I felt in the beginning, I had to let him go. The conditions of our dynamic had become exceedingly clear: I had to be destroyed or minimized for him to thrive.

There was one night when he said something particularly awful to me—something about my “insides being broken”—that shocked me because of the inherent cruelty of the comment. You know, knowing I had been through lots of sexual abuse. When I was visibly upset over this, he framed it as me being too sensitive. And because of where I had been before, I doubted myself.

I shouldn’t have. That is a horrible thing to tell someone. But it took me so long to realize he wasn’t a good person because of the constant self-doubt I had creeping in from my childhood.

After we parted ways, I knew I’d have to work on this to avoid situations like this in the future.

Was I a perfect partner? Hell no. Could I work on refining some of my own relationship habits? Yes. But did I deserve the abuse and silent treatments? Absolutely not.

Here are some tips to remember who you are when your toxic shame from childhood clouds your judgment.

1. Remember, that in many cases, you are attracted to people because of what they invoke in you, sometimes good, sometimes bad. If they bring up a lot of shame versus feelings of love, you may still have work on yourself to do.

2. It may seem that going through hell with someone else at least affords you company, but sometimes the quality of that company can really derail you. Be discerning of who you decide to go through spiritual warfare with.

3. Even if you are a bit unhealed or a bit broken (you’re human, after all), that should never excuse someone giving you the silent treatment or extorting you with money.

4. You are better off holding off on finding a meaningful relationship until you have a clear sense of who you are and what you will and will not tolerate.

5. Endurance of pain does not equal love. It equals pain. Choose wisely!

These are principles I wish had been clearer to me as I fought through this murky journey back to myself. My biggest regret was that I stayed in this relationship as long as I did just because of all the previous self-doubt and self-hatred that was weighing on me.

Life is short, and we don’t have to tolerate cruelty just because we still have healing to do. We don’t have to be fully healed to deserve kindness and emotional safety.

See more posts

About Monica Viera

Monica Viera is a published poet and creative entrepreneur, best known as the author of Journey Back to the Stars. She blends lyrical storytelling with themes of healing, growth, and self-discovery, inspiring readers through emotionally rich and imaginative work worldwide.

More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/LkFOw2W

How to Know When You’re Truly Ready to Forgive

“Forgiveness is a painful and difficult process. It’s not something that happens overnight. It’s an evolution of the heart.” ~Sue Monk Kidd

Sometimes I hear the word “forgiveness” and I cringe.

I’ve been wrestling with this all year because I realized something really uncomfortable: When I look back at those moments where I felt betrayed, in most instances, I wasn’t a victim of other people’s bad behavior—I was a willing participant.

For years, I stayed in one-sided relationships and situations that asked me to shrink and conform to other people’s expectations. I gave everything and got crumbs (and this includes some family).

I accepted criticism of my loving actions without expressing how I felt.

I walked on eggshells, hoping to minimize the behavior that hurt me, losing myself in the process.

Still, I “performed” forgiveness after every slight, every disappointment, and every broken promise. I thought that made me evolved. It actually made me complicit in my own erosion.

Getting past this has required a lot of commitment and patience, and I’m still working on it. So I’ve been reflecting a lot about what forgiveness actually is, what it isn’t, and what it requires.

For years, I thought forgiveness meant being the bigger person. It meant letting things go quickly, moving on, and not holding grudges. But I didn’t realize that my version of forgiveness was just another form of self-abandonment.

I was performing forgiveness while my nervous system was still screaming. And this was a pattern.

For example, someone close to me used to sidestep my feelings, blow through my boundaries, and use any double standard to ensure there were exceptions to the rules for their behavior. And I wouldn’t take up space. I’d let them take and take.

I’d justify their behavior because I wanted to take the high road, because there was an expectation to forgive quickly and move on. So I did. I chose not to be difficult. But my body kept the truth.

Your body knows when someone is being hurtful. For me it was a stomach drop, a feeling of panic, and a sting in my chest. Those were sensations demanding attention, but I silenced them with justifications.

I was saying “I forgive you” because I thought it was the loving thing to do, while my body was still trying to process what had happened.

What I know now is this: forgiveness is a process that only works when the body feels safe enough to soften. And where there is real love, there’s space and grace, and no one forces you to just get over it.

Forgiveness cannot be rushed,. It has to happen organically, and it goes far beyond repeating an affirmation while your nervous system is in survival mode.

Before we can forgive, we need to acknowledge the truth of what happened. Even if we never share the truth with the person who caused the pain. Sometimes it lives in a letter you never send. Sometimes you scream it into a pillow at 2 a.m. What matters is that it gets expressed.

But even before truth can be spoken, something else usually rises—anger.

Anger needs a voice.

We often silence, minimize, or spiritualize away our rage. But trying to forgive without tending to that anger is like putting a Band-Aid over a gaping wound. It doesn’t heal; it festers.

Anger needs expression. But expression is not projection. This is between you and the anger and not a license to burn down everyone around you.

One practice that helped me was learning to give anger a contained space. I’d set a timer for fifteen minutes and let it speak. Write it out. Breathe through it. Let it move without letting it drown me.

When the timer ended, I’d step back.

And when anger arose at inconvenient moments, I didn’t bypass it. I acknowledged it: I hear you. I feel you. We have an appointment later.

Because anger has layers. Sometimes it takes more than one appointment. But when it’s tended to—without indulgence and without denial—healing begins naturally.

Only then can truth be spoken without re-injuring yourself. Only then can the body soften.

Look at your side of the street first.

Something that accelerated this process was looking at my own role in adult relationships. When I looked back on instances where I felt betrayed or disappointed, I examined my side first.

What did I allow? What didn’t I express? What was I trading in the name of love?

In most cases, my choices weren’t conscious. I acted based on what I knew then. I realized I couldn’t shame past versions of myself. Just like a parent can’t shame a child who needs safety, you’re reparenting the parts that needed guidance. This is where you validate yourself and see yourself.

What really cracked the code for me was speaking to the part of me that was hurt. Going into the experience of who I was then and getting to know this version intimately. I told her: I see you. I know what happened. Here’s what we could do differently. I think it’s time we let this go, and I’m going to be there to let it go with you. What do you think?

The material from childhood, when you were innocent and unable to defend yourself, is much harder to forgive. Still, whether the hurt came from childhood or adulthood, the process is the same.

Don’t give your power away to people who can’t hold it.

As the layers shed, something changes. Not because someone apologized. Not because there was validation. But because you finally see yourself.

Eventually, maybe, curiosity shows up. You start to wonder why people do what they do. That understanding doesn’t erase your experience. It gives you wisdom. It teaches you discernment.

You learn that not everyone has the capacity to love you well, and you stop pretending otherwise. You honor yourself accordingly.

And perhaps one morning you wake up and notice there’s no longer a sting. Less charge. More neutrality. You remember what you learned without reliving the wound.

That’s forgiveness.

Forgiveness is a gift to yourself.

Once your body gets its energy back, once it remembers its truth, something powerful shifts. You don’t have to make it happen.

You do the work of honoring your anger, speaking your truth, and protecting your boundaries. And then one day, forgiveness arrives. Not because you were good enough, but because your nervous system finally felt safe enough to let go.

And maybe, after you’ve gone through it all, you arrive at what Danielle LaPorte calls “bless and release.” But only after the brutal work of honoring what hurt.

Forgiveness is not an affirmation.

Not a performance. Not a moral obligation.

Sometimes, if you’re lucky, the person who hurt you takes accountability and trust can be rebuilt. That’s the Hollywood ending. It happens, but not always.

And sometimes forgiveness looks like this:

Your heart still chooses love, but from across the street. With peace in your own home.

And that is enough.

Because the rage no longer consumes you. Because you honored yourself.

That, too, is forgiveness.

So if you’re standing in the thick of it right now, if forgiveness feels impossible or like something you’re being pressured into, let me tell you: you’re not failing, and you don’t have to listen to anyone who tries to rush you.

Heal first. Give anger its due. Speak your truth. And find an identity outside your pain.

When it’s ready, forgiveness will come. Not because you willed it, but because you made space for it.

See more posts

About Christine Rodriguez

Christine Rodriguez is a spiritual life coach dedicated to helping others transform beliefs, thoughts, feelings, and behaviors that no longer serve them so they can create a life that’s aligned with their true desires and capabilities. To work with her, please visit miraculousshifts.com. You can find her on Instagram @miraculousshifts_christy.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/RKeYWzd