Why I Attracted One-Sided Relationships and Gave More Than I Got

“I was once afraid of people saying, ‘Who does she think she is?’ Now I have the courage to stand and say, ‘This is who I am.’” ~Oprah Winfrey 

In May of this year, I decided to take a personal development course, hoping to resolve some of my limiting beliefs and raise my confidence to pursue my professional goals.

The course turned out to be far different from what I thought it would be, and it blew my mind. In just three days, I transformed the way I functioned in most of my relationships.

A week before the course, I began analyzing my friendships, and one in particular came to my attention. I was becoming aware of the triggers that led me to doubt our connection and how healthy this relationship had been. The resentment that had built up in me was slowly being revealed, and I wanted to make a change.

At first, I became very standoffish about the situation. I shut down and stopped reaching out. I reasoned with my ego that it’s not my job to make people aware of what they are supposed to do, or what I think they should be doing to make me feel worthy and valued. What can I say? Self-righteousness is a funny friend.

I had no plans to approach the situation between us, believing that she was at fault since she wasn’t investing in our friendship and I was the only one doing the work. 

On the first day of the course, the leader challenged us to make amends with people who we weren’t authentic with. Suddenly, my reasoning started to crumble. I had to confront the situation, no matter the outcome. It terrified me.

As much as I resented the truth of neglecting myself and therefore creating relationships where I wasn’t appreciated and valued, it took me about three hours to let that go and reach for humbleness instead.

It was 7:15 pm when I dialed the number. I was nervous, my voice was shaking, and I kept reminding myself not to sound blameful. As we started the conversation, I told her that there was something I needed to talk about.

I went on to say that I didn’t feel our friendship was a balance of give and take and that there was a fair amount of negativity taking place.

After I expressed my concerns, she said she didn’t quite understand. She asked for specific examples of what I didn’t like about our relationship, and I cited several instances where I felt dismissed and unappreciated.

She went on the defensive and, after listening to me for a while, said, “I don’t think I can give you what you’re asking for.”

Ouch. Suddenly, I felt a familiar pit in my stomach that often occurred when someone rejected me. My worth was threatened, and I could feel it with every ounce of my being.

I wish I could tell you that this conversation ended with us resolving the issue and strengthening our friendship. Unfortunately, this wasn’t the case. I continued with the course for another three days while proudly sitting in my self-righteous state of mind.

When we don’t address our struggles concerning our worth, we tend to neglect our needs to gain validation, love, and attention from others. Although, deep down, we know our needs aren’t met and we are abandoning ourselves, we feed our egos by finding significance in being the bigger person. 

Putting things into perspective, here are questions I pondered: Who plays the bigger role in an unhealthy relationship? Is it a person who feels that everything is about them, or a person who gives them space to be this way in order to feel valued and needed? I am concluding that both are equally responsible. Lack of self-worth can present itself in many forms, and this was mine.

Two days after the course was over, I spoke with one of my other friends, sharing what had happened and how hurt I felt by the whole situation.

She challenged my story by asking me, “Have you ever told her that you need help? Have you ever shown her that you’re struggling and need her?” Her questions triggered me because, deep down, I was fully aware that I often don’t express my needs or struggles to others.

Some of my favorite lines are “I got this” or “It is what it is.” Knowing what I know now, this may only work as a T-shirt slogan. But in all seriousness, I rarely communicated my needs since I didn’t consider them as important as the needs of other people.

She went on to ask me, “Considering that you never you’re never open and vulnerable enough to allow others to be there for you, would you say you might have been a fake friend?” 

Another ouch. Suddenly, I was faced with how inauthentic I was. Leading people to believe that I was Wonder Woman without any need for help was a double-edged sword. It meant that I denied my needs while secretly becoming resentful and angry.

I realized that acting from an unhealthy place of unworthiness, while trying to maintain the role of a bigger person, was never about helping others. I was trying to fulfill some emptiness in my soul that I hadn’t healed.

If we believe, for whatever reason, that we aren’t worthy or enough, we will constantly look for validation from the outside world and use self-destructive behaviors to prove ourselves since our souls are starving.

Unless we heal our childhood wounds and stop seeking validation from our accomplishments or other people, we will spiral into a toxic circle of lack and inadequacy. 

After a very honest and painful conversation with my friend, during which I sobbed like a four-year-old losing their most precious toy, I decided to reach out to her again. I was too scared to make an actual phone call, so I decided to send her a voice message instead.

The purpose of the conversation was to be authentic about having been inauthentic. I expressed the hurt I felt and how fake I’d been in our friendship. I expressed my resentment and that my ego was still standing in the way, but at least I was aware of it. Also, I told her that she wasn’t the only negative person in our friendship, and that my resentment created an equal amount of negativity and toxicity for both of us.

She replied by saying that she was acknowledging my message but needed to reflect on it. Since then, I haven’t heard from her.

Although this may sound like a sad ending, I don’t see it that way. For the first time in my life, I stood up for myself and for what’s important to me. Instead of denying my needs, I voiced them. I was aware of the boundaries that were missing and made them important. I was acting from a place of worthiness and self-love. Although it meant that I was losing the friendship, at least I wasn’t losing myself, as I often have.

While working on our healing and addressing our traumas, we often overlook the importance of others in our healing process. If we want to recover from past pains caused by difficult relationships, we must create bonds with people based on love, compassion, and mutual support. 

Although our recovery is personal, even isolating at times, a big part of our healing happens within partnerships with others.

For example, let’s consider a scenario where our trust was broken, and we were traumatized to trust again. It’s difficult to heal this problem on our own. We must nurture new relationships or fix old ones since trust is the essential foundation of a relationship. This is how we heal and gain confidence in trusting others again.

Moving forward, I know I will face the challenge of helping others or being there for them from a codependent state of mind again. However, this time, I will be able to recognize it, pause, and reevaluate the actions and investments I make in other people.

Although breaking the limiting belief about my worth has been a tough task for me, I am getting a glimpse of what it feels like to stand in my power and value who I am. Knowing that I have the potential to feel worthy in relationships, I can say, with confidence, that I am certainly not stopping now.

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About Silvia Turonova

Silvia Turonova is a mindset coach who teaches women how to develop more self-trust and inner confidence while learning how to bet on themselves. She hosts a podcast Courage Within You and is passionate about teaching others how to coach themselves. Get her free self-coaching worksheet here.

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All the Ways I Tried to Numb My Loneliness and What Actually Helped

“A season of loneliness and isolation is when the caterpillar gets its wings.” ~Mandy Hale

I feel so alone right now. Like, crawling out of my skin, I’ll do anything I can do to not feel this way alone.

I haven’t felt this way in a long time. Thank goodness I have tools to take care of myself. Let me explain.

My earliest childhood memory is my mother’s empty bed. The sheets are white, untucked, and messy.  The duvet cover is loose and hanging halfway on the floor. The room is quiet, there’s no sign of mom, and I am all alone.

That’s when I met loneliness for the first time. When I was three-and-a-half years old and my mom had just passed away.

Loneliness came upon me before I could understand what was going on. It came upon me when I was unprotected and exposed, when I was vulnerable and needy, and it pierced me to my core.

As I got older, loneliness made me feel unworthy and different—as if I was the only person in the world that felt that way. It made me feel flawed and defective, and it liked to catch me off guard.

Being in this headspace was so intense and overwhelming, I would do anything I could to make it go away. I would binge watch television, emotionally eat, play video games, and watch pornography (yes, I just admitted that).

I didn’t have the emotional tools to ride out the discomfort of feeling alone, so I made myself feel better the only way I knew how—by numbing out.

If I had a tough day at work, I’d come home and “escape” my feelings with television. If a girl I was interested in didn’t show interest in me, I’d watch porn so I didn’t have to deal with my fear of abandonment and loneliness.

Upon first look, the solution seemed simple: learn to be comfortable in solitude. Ha! That’s like telling someone who wants to lose weight “Just eat less and move more.”

If letting go of our patterns were that easy, none of us would suffer. This is why healing and self-intimacy aren’t for the faint of heart.

It’s called inner work for a reason. I digress.

What I discovered was that my “pattern” of escaping was actually a coping mechanism. I was trying to help myself, albeit in a not-so-healthy way.

My fear of being alone felt too big to meet, so instead, I used television, food, video games, and porn to help manage it. To squelch the inner anxiety going on inside of me.

And it wasn’t even conscious. I didn’t wake up each day thinking, “I’ll watch porn today to escape my feeling of loneliness.”

In fact, it was the opposite. I would go to bed each night saying I was done with this type of behavior only to repeat the pattern the next day.

It was default programming that was running on its own—until I slowed down to be with what was running it. As soon as I courageously did this, my patterns shifted.

With the help of a mentor, I’ve developed a practice where I connect with loneliness rather than run away from it. After all, loneliness is part of the cast of characters that live inside each and every one of us.

Any time I feel this way, I come up with a list of five to ten questions, like: Why are you here? What are you here to teach me? Will I be okay if I just sit in the discomfort of what’s coming up for me? I then invite loneliness to pull up a chair next to me and I interview my greatest fear. I work on the relationship rather than running away from it.

When I sit with my loneliness I remember I am whole and complete, just the way I am. I often think about my mom during this time and have gone back to that place as a little boy to let him know that he is okay and remind him that his mother loves him very much.

In the beginning I shed many tears, but after a while I was no longer plagued by a constant sense of longing. In fact, I began to enjoy being alone. Go figure!

This got me thinking—what if our patterns of binge watching TV, checking out on social media, watching pornography, etc. are well-intentioned? What if they are here for us?

We humans play this game all the time. We try to manage our feelings through acts of busyness, distraction, overwhelm, food, alcohol, pornography, work, and more. We use something outside of us in order for us to feel better on the inside.

What I’ve realized is that management is a defense—a protector trying to help. It’s innocent and wonderful in its own way. Yet, real help only comes when we go within and meet what’s going on inside of us.

Loneliness doesn’t go away. It’s a part of who we are.

It’s a normal human emotion and can teach us a lot about ourselves. It can teach us patience and the importance of self-love.

Building a relationship with this part of you takes time. It’s a process.

So the next time you feel the twinge of loneliness creeping in, don’t try and run from it. Rather, lean into it and see how your life changes for the better.

Loneliness created the urge to numb my emotions. Learning to be comfortable in solitude strengthened my esteem.

It’s your choice. Self-pity or self-love.

Today I intentionally shift this relationship. Take the beginning of this article for example.

My wife is away on a work trip for the next twelve days, and I’m feeling isolated and alone. Rather than binge watch television or escape via porn, I’m going to reconnect with loneliness by simply sitting with it and see what it has to teach me.

Where are you managing your fears and feelings? And how can you meet them instead?

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About Zachary Goodson

Zachary is a writer, a coach, and a heart-centered entrepreneur who loves helping others. His writing focuses on his experiences around holistic health, inner child work, addiction, recovery, spirituality, and fatherhood. His coaching is devoted to helping people experience deep fulfillment in relationships, career, and life.  You can connect with him at zacharygoodson.com.

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How I Lighten My Mood by Making a Bargain with the Universe

“Pain is what the world does to you; suffering is what you do yourself.” ~Gautama Buddha

I don’t expect things to be a steady state of bliss.

In fact, I agree with the Buddha that suffering is pretty much part of the human condition. Our expectations just get in the way of our experiences. I’m talking about your garden-variety suffering here, not the kind that comes with traumatic events that take you out at the knees or devastating clinical depression.

I see the now-and-then emergence of lethargy or melancholy as part of the whole emotional spectrum. And, like stepping in water in your stocking feet, bound to happen from time to time for most of us. Plus, for me anyway, I think recognizing the difficult days enables me to better savor the wonderful and even the tremendously ordinary ones.

Still, knowing that the spinning wheel is going to land on grey sometimes does not mean those days aren’t tough. For me, that greyness means my mood, my gait, even my ability to recognize the full bounty that is mine just feels heavier and more arduous. Sort of like moving through muck that slows your pace and clings to your boots.

Just as I think those emotions are due to sometimes arrive, I also know they will leave—I just want to accelerate that departure. And I’ve found a way that works for me. I make a deal with the Universe.

I speak this pact out loud—“I’ll try if you try.”

I commit to trying to pull my boot out the mud by first focusing on my senses.

Under the header of controlling what I can control, I might actively focus on taking in the smell of fresh coffee—holding the cup in my hands, without expectation, and just experiencing it. The rich smell, the playful bubbles, the warm solace held in a favorite mug. I try to let that singular moment envelope me, seeking nothing specific in return.

Or I might stand at a window until I can feel the sun’s warmth on my face. I will then imagine my breath carrying that warmth down my neck to my collar bones, down to my fingers and into my belly. I’m not looking to be instantly “fixed,” just to prime the pump to receive and interpret information differently by bringing my senses and my nervous system into the equation.

The Yoga Sutras, a text from perhaps as early as 500 BCE that codified yogic theory and practice (yoga with  “big Y,” way more than just the poses) reinforce the role of the nervous system in expanded consciousness. We take what we experience to be the truth, but as the theory goes, if you change what you feel/believe you experience, your conception of the truth changes.

It’s like the ancient parable of the blind men and the elephant—you build your definitions of what is based on what you experience. My rationale proceeds then that if I alter my perceived inputs, the narrative that my nervous system spits out can also be altered.

So that’s my part of the bargain—to widen the sense aperture and find a better experience. For the Universe’s part, I imagine it sending little gifts in return for my efforts—a great parking spot, the wave and smile of a colleague down the hall, a new local tour date for a favorite band.

I don’t actually think the Universe is moving cars or colleagues or tour schedules to accommodate me. It’s simply me noticing. That doesn’t keep me from imagining a sort of an equal and opposite reaction in play that generates goodness in response to my attempts to notice goodness.

I think of this noticing as a reframing of the “Toyota principle.” Long ago when my husband and I got a real car, we got a Toyota. Once we had the Toyota, we suddenly noticed all the other Toyotas on the road and wondered where they’d come from. They hadn’t suddenly flooded the market. It was more about moving the metaphorical antenna to recalibrate the signal—ah, I see things now.

Actively being open to the light and marveling at its forms still doesn’t serve up a twenty-minute fix. It does remind me of all the good standing in wait for me and reinforces that “this too shall pass.” In fact, someone wise once told me “If you want to change something, you’ve got to change something.” These are my somethings.

And so I commit to engaging my senses and being open to the beauty and love in my cup (even if my experience meter feels set to “low”). I believe that if I can do my part, I’ll again come into alignment faster with a Universe that offers no promises, but provides plenty of opportunity and wonder.

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About Janet Arnold-Grych

Janet Arnold-Grych is a lucky mama, a yoga practitioner and grateful teacher, a corporate communications professional, and a nature and travel lover. Her work has been published in Elephant Journal, HuffPost, and on the Kripalu Yoga and Wellness site.  She lives with her family in Milwaukee, Wisconsin.

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The Truth About Mr. S.: The Sexual Predator from My High School Band

TRIGGER WARNING: This post deals with accounts of sexual harassment and assault and may be triggering to some people.

“There can be a deep loneliness that comes from not having a family that has your back. I hope you can find supportive people who show up for you.” ~Laura Mohai

I feel and have felt extreme sadness, anger, isolation, and fear over several sexual harassments and assaults in my life.

The first time I was sexually assaulted I was seven. I was at a friend’s birthday pool party. My friend’s dad put his hand down my swimsuit and grabbed my undeveloped chest, then said that once “these” grow, I’d be irresistible and a hot f*ck. I was seven.

After that, my stepfather bought the first pair of “sexy” underwear I ever had, when I was ten, and made me model them for him, among other things.

From these early formative experiences, I wanted to hide from the world.

My mom was cruel and never protected me. She knew my stepdad would leer after me and that I hid in my closet. She just sneered and told me that I wasn’t special or that pretty. As a result, I learned from a young age that I didn’t matter, that I wasn’t going to be protected, and that I wasn’t special. This backward thinking allowed me to be prey to other men, one of whom was a teacher.

I was sexually harassed and assaulted numerous times by a “valued” community member. Mr. S was my band director during my junior and senior years of high school. His behavior with me during my years as a student was completely inappropriate. He should be in jail. Yes, jail. I am certain I am not the only female who experienced his advances.

Mr. S, as the students called him, preyed on the fact that I was very naïve and beaten down, came from a single-parent household, didn’t have much of a relationship with my father, and wanted to be a professional musician.

My senior year of high school, I had early release but didn’t have a car. My mom worked, so I often had to stay very late after school to wait to be picked up. I would go to the band hall to practice during early release. Every single day, Mr. S would hide my clarinet somewhere so I’d have to come and ask him where it was. It was his way of making sure he got to see me, to control and harass me.

He would leave lengthy typed “love” letters and lifesavers in my case every day. I was appalled. I told him to please stop. I never reciprocated and did not want this kind of attention. I just wanted to practice my clarinet, and he knew this, but preferred to toy with me.

Before he would “allow” me to take my clarinet from him and go practice, he would make me sit with him in his office. He would pull his chair up to me and sniff my hair, telling me to never change my use of Finesse shampoo, as he associated me with that “lovely” smell.

He would ask me if I read his love letters, and then he’d pester me as to why I never replied or reciprocated. I was very shy and didn’t say anything. I was scared. I felt ashamed, though I didn’t do anything wrong. I was embarrassed and knew many kids noticed that he gave me “special” attention, and I hated it.

He controlled when I could leave his office. He knew I had no transportation of my own, so if I tried to leave to go to a practice room or to the library, he would tell me that I couldn’t because I still had lots of time to be with him.

He would sometimes help me with my music, as it appeared that I was just in his office for that purpose. It wasn’t. He was obsessed with me. I am now closing in on middle age, and until last night, I had never told anyone that he used to come to my Spanish class and pull me out to take me places. How this was allowed, I will never know.

Mr. S would tell my Spanish teacher that I had Drum Major duties, and that it was urgent, and then she would allow him to whisk me away. I hated it.

He would often take me to Lake Lewisville, where he and his wife owned a sailboat. He would make me get in the boat, and then he would tell me how he wanted to sail the world with me. Again, I was silent. I was afraid.

He would force me to sit leg-to-leg with him and would kiss my cheek, putting his arm around me. I would sit there like a statue, then I would try to pull away, but he would forcefully pull me back and tell me that it was mean to deny his advances and affection.

Typing this now makes me want to vomit. It’s repugnant. The woman I have grown to be would never allow this behavior. However, I was sixteen and had no guidance and not much self-esteem.

Looking back, I cannot understand how a man who had a wife and three daughters could be so disgusting, cross so many boundaries, and be so creepy.

The time he crossed the line in the most extreme way was when he pulled me to him, held me next to his body, and forced a mouth-to-mouth kiss on me, while pressing his hard-on into my stomach, in San Antonio at All State. I was terrified, and pulled myself away from him, ran back to the hotel, and cried the entire night.

I wanted someone to rescue me from his nastiness. “Can’t everyone tell he’s a creep and I’m miserable?” I would think to myself.

You are probably thinking, “Why didn’t you tell someone?” I was afraid. He brainwashed me into thinking that if I told anyone, he wouldn’t write any recommendation letters for me and no one would believe me (I know this is not true now). And he would remind me that I didn’t want to stress out my mom, who already worked a lot. He guilt-tripped me and shamed me.

It wasn’t until college that I eventually told someone, a childhood friend who attended the same school I went to. I showed him the letters Mr. S had written and told him about it. My friend was livid and then threw all the letters away. (I now wish I had kept the disgusting letters so that I could have them published.)

Mr. S would call me at college and tell me he missed me. I told him to never call me again, but he continued until I stopped picking up the phone.

Mr. S was a child predator who never should have never taught children. He tried to Facebook friend me several years ago. I immediately shut that down. The gall, the nerve. No shame, no conscience. I am tired of being silent. I will not spare his peace to keep this quiet any longer. I can only imagine how many other teenagers and young girls were forced to be at the mercy of his sickness. I will be silent no more.

The above abuses and others caused my judgment to be clouded and for me to take routes that weren’t always best for me. For example, I turned down a full scholarship from Baylor University to attend Eastman because I was terrified of my stepfather and Mr. S. I wanted to get as far away as possible from them. I jeopardized my financial future by taking out loans to pay for flights and college in order to escape Texas.

I have beat myself up too many times over some of my poor decisions and my methods of survival. I won’t continue to vilify myself for finding ways, good or bad, to try to be and feel safe. I did the best I could, and I can now see that I am proud of myself for surviving. As a child and as a young adult, I should have been protected, cherished, loved, and guided, but I received none of those necessities.

To those who have experienced abuse, who were not protected, who were not valued or cherished, you should have been. You matter. Find your truth. Abusers gaslight to disorient you. You are smart, you are brave, and you can proceed with life.

I give myself kindness and love now. You deserve that too. You should have had those things before, but now you must give them to yourself. Be your own biggest cheerleader and know you are not alone.

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About Cora Elaine

Cora grew up in Texas and now resides in CO. She is a classically trained former symphony musician who now works in the corporate realm. Writing, hiking, spending time with animals, and volunteering are a few things she enjoys. She believes that many, unfairly and ignorantly, assume that all parents love and support their children. She hopes to bring hope, community, support, and resources to those who do not have the love and support that they deserve.

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How to Be a Lot Happier: A Simple Solution

“Simplicity is the ultimate sophistication.” ~Leonardo da Vinci

There’s a funny thing with us humans.

We spend our lives trying desperately to find happiness, and yet we don’t even know what it is. We can’t explain, describe, or define it. We just know that we want it because it’ll make everything peachy. Time and time again, though, studies have shown that our never-ending quest for happiness is quite often the very thing that makes us miserable.

Trying to find happiness is an exercise in futility. This is a truth I did not easily come to realize. It took a succession of major depressive episodes, the sudden death of my father, a cross-country move, a broken heart, and countless hours reading airy-fairy, self-help nonsense for me to understand that instead of trying to find happiness, I should consciously take steps that let happiness find me.

Suffice it to say, you will no longer find me spinning my wheels, dejectedly searching for answers and chasing the abstract. You will no longer find me on a never-ending quest for happiness.

But given my endless fascination with the subject, my work as a coach, and my ever-present desire for more street cred, I recently found myself immersed in a year-long Psychology of Happiness certification program created by best-selling author and former Harvard professor Dr. Tal Ben-Shahar.

During the program, we were asked:

What was one of the happiest periods of your life?
What did you do during that period that made it so good?
How can you generate more happiness in your life?

I had a profoundly difficult time answering these questions, particularly the first two. But the more I scanned through my mental scrapbook, the more I kept thinking about the months between ninth and tenth grade—my last romp as a camper at the sleepaway camp I’d been going to for six consecutive summers.

It wasn’t so much what I did—or what we­ did—that made it so good. I think, perhaps, it was what we didn’t do.

There were no smartphones. So, there were no screens to stare at, no calls to make, no messages to check, no constant dinging notifications.

There was no social media. There were no Facebook rants, no Twitter trolls, no outlandishly phony Instagram influencers to drum up our insecurities.

We weren’t constantly comparing ourselves to others while looking at the carefully curated highlight reels from their lives.

No, we were making our own highlight reels in the middle of nowhere—or, more accurately, in the middle of northern Wisconsin. We hadn’t the slightest idea what anyone else was doing, and we didn’t care.

There were no dating apps, no heads to swipe on for hours at a time. There was no ghosting, no haunting, no orbiting, no zombieing, no submarining, no breadcrumbing, no roaching. These hyper-specific subtypes of appalling human behavior simply didn’t exist.

And despite our raging hormones, there was no palpable desperation. You either “hooked up” with someone the night before or you didn’t. Then, you moved on with your life.

Nobody gave a damn who was president, either. We just knew it was some old, white guy just like it was the year before, and the year before that, and the year before that. He sat in his office, and signed some papers, and maybe spoke to the country every few months and that was it.

There was nobody on the far left trying to ruin the life of anyone who’s ever made a mildly offensive quip. There was nobody on the far right trying to accelerate conflict and build some kind of white ethnostate. There were no conspiracy theorists trying to convince the world that celebrities run pedophile rings out of pizza parlors or that Jewish folks crisscross the country to start wildfires with space lasers.

Oh, but Tony, you might be saying to yourself. There were definitely people like that back then! And you get no argument from me.

But we never heard from them. They didn’t have public platforms. There were no 24/7/365 news channels, there were no online news magazines, and there was no YouTube; so, they just kind of kept their crazy crap to themselves.

It’s no wonder that one of the happiest periods of my life was the summer of 1997, in the middle of nowhere in northern Wisconsin. We spent all of our time in nature, laughing and singing and bonding and playing frisbee.

One could theorize that we were happier purely because we were kids, but I’m not so sure. From what I can tell, kids today are lost, distracted, and isolated. They spend most of their time indoors, glued to their devices. They are overstimulated, oversensitive, and overprotected. They are riddled with anxiety and depression as they deal with the psychological trappings of growing up in a technological world.

Twenty-five years ago, during the summer of 1997, life was just…simpler.

That’s what made it so good.

And I don’t think that life in general will ever be that simple again.

But every time I simplify my own life, even just a little bit, I’m a little bit happier.

Every time I de-clutter, I’m a little bit happier.

Every time I delete a dating app, I’m a little bit happier.

Every time I forgo watching the news or sign off social media, I’m a little bit happier.

Every time I turn my phone on Do Not Disturb, I’m a little bit happier.

Every time I have a real conversation in real life with a real person I really care about, I’m a little bit happier.

Every time I go outside and walk around and do nothing but look at the sky, and the trees, and the architecture, I’m a little bit happier.

Every time I sit in silence and meditate and let my thoughts pass by like the weather, I’m a little bit happier.

So, how can you generate more happiness in your life?

Well, I don’t have a whole lot of street cred. But if I had to take a stab at it: Stop doing the things that cause you unhappiness. Simplify, simplify, simplify. And maybe find a summer camp for adults.

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About Tony Endelman

Tony Endelman is an author, blogger, humorist, certified transformational life coach, and certified happiness trainer. He currently lives in New Orleans. Catch up with Tony on his website.

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10 Signs You’re in a Toxic, Unhealthy Relationship and How to Help Yourself

“Love is never any better than the lover. Wicked people love wickedly, violent people love violently, weak people love weakly…the lover alone possesses his gift of love.” ~Toni Morrison

Not all relationships are created equal. Some rage in like a storm and leave you far weaker than you were before. As you try to process the wreck that is now your reality, you wonder, how did I end up here?

I found myself in a toxic and addicting relationship in my mid-late twenties. Now that some time has passed and allowed for reflection, I want to pass on some signs from my previous relationship that I should have paid more attention to, in hopes that this may help others who are in a similar situation.

Signs a Relationship Has Become Unhealthy and Toxic

1. You are putting in most of the effort and your needs aren’t being met.

Emotionally, I felt drained and exhausted. This frequently happened when I tried to communicate my wants and needs to my former partner. Most of the time, it felt like my efforts were in vain.

2. You constantly feel like you are walking on egg shells.

I never knew when I would say something that would be too much for my former partner to talk about and he would shut down emotionally. It made me nervous to bring up my concerns about the relationship, as I felt like he had a wall built around him that I just couldn’t knock down.

3. You hang on because you think that’s what you are supposed to do when you love somebody.

Blame it on Disney, romantic comedies, or countless love songs, but how many of us stay in unhealthy relationships because we feel like we owe it to that person to be there for them? But what do we owe ourselves?

Looking back on my past relationship, I stayed in it for far too long it because I thought that’s what you do when you love somebody. You stick with them when they are hurting. But what if it’s one sided and it’s hurting you most of the time? Is that really love, or is it an unhealthy attachment to that person?

4. You get addicted to the highs of the relationship.

When things are bad, they are bad. But when they are good, you forget about the bad. The on-and-off again pattern makes it passionate and addicting, almost like a game. It also makes it incredibly unstable. I felt like I was taking one step forward and two steps backward, constantly preparing for the next big crash.

5. You are always giving in the relationship.

I gave most of my time and energy to my previous relationship because I didn’t think I deserved to be on the receiving end of love. Now I know how wrong I was.

6. You’re trying to solve problems that aren’t yours to solve.

I tried too hard to solve my ex’s problems and didn’t focus on myself. I was overwhelmed by huge life transitions like moving and starting a new career, so it seemed easier to try to help him even though he didn’t ask me for help.

This also allowed me to avoid admitting our relationship was deteriorating. It hurt too much to accept that our relationship was over and that I’d given 100 percent someone who no longer cared about my feelings or well-being. After all, to admit is to acknowledge, and who wants to become aware that your relationship has become incredibly unhealthy?

7. You get stonewalled.

When I would be vulnerable and try to communicate how I felt, my former partner would go silent on me for long periods of time. This was pure mental torture. It was one of the most excruciating things I had ever experienced emotionally.

Stonewalling was also incredibly confusing and traumatic. I would feel ignored, helpless, abandoned, and disrespected. This in turn would make me want to try to communicate more. Eventually we would start to talk again, and we got into an unhealthy cycle of me becoming anxious and him being avoidant.

8. You lose a sense of who you are.

At the end of the relationship, I felt broken and like a door mat that got stomped on incessantly. The person that I’d been before our relationship was no more, and all I was left with was a deep sense of shame for losing myself

I felt like I had fallen like Humpty Dumpty. No matter how much I tried, I couldn’t put all my pieces back together.

It was hard to admit that I’d enabled my ex to treat me disrespectfully over and over again. I’d worried so much about him that I stopped focusing on myself and became entwined in trying to save a relationship that had fallen apart long ago. I didn’t want to accept after all the years we were together that this was the way that it would end.

9. You feel like you are in limbo and things are out of your control.

When my ex stonewalled me, I felt like I was waiting on someone else for my future to start. Everything got placed on pause. I gave him all of the power in the relationship, and I felt like I was waiting for answers that I’d likely never receive.

10. You feel disrespected.

My former partner stopped caring about my feelings the moment the stonewalling started. I felt so hurt, shocked, and betrayed. I think part of me stayed in the relationship so long because I couldn’t admit that this person who cared about me in the beginning had stopped showing concern for me and treated me without any kind of dignity.

That loss of love, communication, and affection was really hard to face. His apathy and lack of compassion made me feel like I was a piece of garbage that he threw out. I felt invisible, degraded, and unheard.

To get a clearer sense of how an unhealthy relationship is impacting you, ask yourself these questions: 

• Why am I staying in this relationship? Am I staying because I am scared to be alone and deal with my own problems?
• How much of the time do I initiate communicating? Am I the one putting in all the effort in the relationship?
• Am I enabling the toxicity in the relationship by continuing to allow this person to treat me in a disrespectful way? Are there boundaries in the relationship for disrespectful and inappropriate behavior?
• Am I trying to save my partner? Am I constantly worrying more about them than myself?
• Why do I want to fix things in the relationship so badly? Do I feel like a failure for having the relationship end?
• Am I trying to control something that has run its course? Do we both want different things?
• Am I co-dependent? Am I staying in a one-sided relationship to help care for this person even when my needs are not being met?
• Am I living the life I want to live? Does this relationship make me feel loved and fulfilled?

Ending and walking away from a relationship that is unhealthy and toxic may be one of the hardest things that you ever do. Know that you are not alone and that you are worthy of being in a loving and healthy relationship. You deserve a relationship full of mutual respect, love, and healthy boundaries.

Some activities and resources that have helped me on my journey to self-empowerment and growth have been:

1. Express yourself; find your voice.

Holding in all of the hurt from a toxic relationship isn’t going to make it go away. Talk openly to trusted loved ones or friends about what you’ve experienced. It may surprise you to hear that others have similar stories. Talking to a counselor, who can give you tools, strategies, and resources to help you navigate this difficult time, may also be helpful.

Write in a journal or compose a mock letter to the person who hurt you, or to your past or future self. I wrote a letter to myself ten years into the future in hopes of where I wanted my life to be and found it to be inspiring and motivating.

2. Educate yourself on codependency.

I was familiar with the term codependency, but I didn’t truly understand what it was until I heard a podcaster mention the book Codependent No More, by Melody Beattie. This book put words to everything that I felt during this turbulent relationship.

It made me realize that I put all of my energy into a relationship that wasn’t mutual or healthy and lost myself on that journey. The book helped reinforce the notion that we only have control over our actions and not others. It motivated me to always be the driver of my life.

3. Spend time alone.

After things ended, I didn’t realize how addicted to the relationship I was and how challenging it would be to not reach out to my ex. It felt like I was going through withdrawal. It was intense and frustrating because, rationally, I knew it was for the best, but when I stopped contact it was a visceral experience.

I forgot how important it was to be alone, which is also the hardest and scariest thing. The healing truly began when I was able to sit with myself and all of my thoughts. Meditating and participating in yin yoga helped me recenter and decrease my anxiety while also decreasing built-up stress and tension in my body.

4. Take responsibility for your part.

I wasn’t just a victim in the relationship; I was also an enabler. I stayed in something that became incredibly unhealthy and allowed my ex to treat me in an inconsiderate and unkind way. I enabled this pattern to continue, which was the hardest thing to admit to myself.

5. Be gentle with yourself.

We are all human and are learning. Be patient and kind with yourself.

When this relationship was finally over, I wanted to rush through all of my grief and uncertainty in order to move on because it hurt too much. It was too real.

I knew deep down that this would take time to heal and I wanted to fast-forward through that phase. Give yourself time and grace. Some days will be worse than others. Just know that eventually you will have many more good days than bad days.

6. Forgive yourself.

Initially, I wanted to forgive my ex and felt an urgency to do so because I thought it would stop the pain. However, the person that I was most upset with was myself. How did it take me so long to realize this relationship was unhealthy? Why did I allow someone to treat me so poorly emotionally?

The person that I really needed to forgive was myself for allowing someone to walk all over my feelings for such a long amount of time. Once that process starts, everything gets easier. You may never get closure from your former partner after things end, but you can find it on your own.

7. Use this experience as a lesson.

Every relationship is a lesson. Even if it was a difficult time, learn what worked and what didn’t work. What you want and don’t want. Decide what are acceptable and unacceptable boundaries in a relationship so that the cycle doesn’t get repeated in the future.

8. Take control of your life and be the author of your own story.

Don’t wait for someone to change to start living your life. Hit the play button and start focusing on your goals and dreams and where you want to be in the future. You may not be able to put all of your broken pieces together in the same way they were before the relationship, but take time to figure out what person you want to become and rebuild yourself.

9. Love and believe in yourself.

Take good care of yourself because if you don’t, nobody will. Have high standards for what you deserve in a relationship and don’t accept less. Practice positive affirmations about your worth. How you perceive yourself will impact how others perceive you.

—

We might not have control over others’ actions, but we do have control over our own. It’s time to empower ourselves to live the life we want to live.

If we take time to truly understand why a relationship was unhealthy and toxic, we can vow to break the pattern and not allow it to happen again. We can love in a secure and healthy way and in turn attract partners who do the same. After all, we deserve to be in a healthy, fulfilling, and happy relationship, with ourselves and with others.

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About Sarah Masse

Sarah Masse enjoys writing when she isn’t working as an occupational therapist. She’s always up for meeting new people or exploring a new destination whether that be in the country or outside of it. Sarah has a traveling blog, which documents some of her adventures at truetravelnista.com. Visit Sarah on Instagram at smasse14

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How Trauma Can Cause Mental Illness (It’s Not Just a Chemical Imbalance)

“What seems to be clear is that we humans are an accumulation of our traumatic experiences, that each trauma contributes to our biology, and that this biology determines, to some extent, how we respond to further traumatic events as they emerge in our lives.” ~Shaili Jain

The stigma of mental health is decreasing. That’s wonderful, but the way we’re doing it is wrong and damaging. We are ignoring the trauma that is so prevalent and pervasive in our society.

Think about how many times you’ve read something equating mental illness to cancer or some other disease. People say that taking medication for mental illness should be considered the same as taking medicine for blood pressure, cholesterol, or other medical issues.

The phrase “chemical imbalance” is used quite often when referring to mental illness. There is a connection, but there’s so much more to mental illness than that.

When we say that mental illness is simply a result of a chemical imbalance, we are pretending our trauma isn’t what causes so many of our mental health struggles. Most of us have had more than enough of others invalidating our trauma and the mental illnesses resulting from it.

Now, before anybody starts screaming that their mental illness is purely a result of a chemical imbalance, hear me out. I do believe it is possible to have a genetic chemical imbalance.

At the same time, I think that possibility needs to include a look at epigenetics. I’m not going into detail about that. Take yourself on over to Google for that.

What I will say about epigenetics is that I believe these “genetic chemical imbalances” come from trauma that is inherited from each generation. It has been proven that trauma can change our DNA.

That is probably why scientists have shown that some have a genetic predisposition to mental illness. The brain has a chemical imbalance as a result of epigenetics.

Now, back to simply labeling mental illness as a chemical imbalance. I suppose it feels like a softer blow for some to believe that’s why they have a mental illness.

This allows them to think that they and/or their experiences have nothing to do with their mental illness. Let me just take this pill to fix my brain.

When I hear or read that anywhere, I get incredibly frustrated. It is minimizing or completely ignoring the fact that mental illness is typically a result of trauma.

My father was a depressed alcoholic, who died of cirrhosis nine years ago. I experienced a good bit of trauma as a result of his drunken rages on top of him being absent for a large part of my childhood.

Not only that, but I had the additional trauma of my mother pretending there was nothing wrong with him. I was also taught to pretend the violence wasn’t a big deal.

It was incredibly confusing for me as a little girl because my mind and body knew those experiences were traumatic, but I heard otherwise.

I got a double whammy when it came to mental illness. Unfortunately for me, my mother was not emotionally available. I needed a parent who would validate my feelings and allow me to express what I was feeling.

So, I had the genetic predisposition to depression from my father and probably my mother as well since she stayed with him for many years. However, I also had severe depression and anxiety as a result of my childhood trauma.

I believed my depression was simply genetic and a chemical imbalance until I began therapy. As it became clearer that my childhood trauma was the biggest reason I struggled with my mental health, that way too simple theory began to piss me off.

If a genetic chemical imbalance was the sole reason I was depressed and had anxiety, that meant my trauma shouldn’t have affected me the way it did. That didn’t sit well with me.

How could a genetic chemical imbalance result in my thinking that I was worthless and unlovable? How could it be the reason I never felt safe, emotionally or physically? It just was not possible in my mind!

A genetic chemical imbalance wouldn’t cause those negative, false beliefs. It would make me feel depressed or anxious overall, but not linked to any particular event.

Witnessing violence in my home was the reason I had anxiety. I never felt physically safe after the first episode. I was always creating plans of what I could do to be safe if this or that happened.

When I was little, there was a roof over a storage shed outside my window. If I heard my father throwing furniture or screaming violently, I could go out my window, slide down the roof, and run into the woods behind my house.

I had escape plans for every room in my house. I also used to sleep with a portable phone so that I could call 911 if I was ever somehow brave enough to do that.

Hearing that the violence I witnessed was not a big deal, and being told not to talk to anybody about it, resulted in a very confused little girl.

I felt intense sadness because I believed that my father didn’t love me enough to quit drinking.  When I would voice that sadness, I was told that I didn’t have a reason to be sad. So then I thought there was something really wrong with me.

Why am I so sad if I don’t have a reason to be? Why should I feel unlovable if that’s stupid to say or feel?

Once I began therapy, I learned that all of those thoughts and feelings resulted from my trauma. So, even if I didn’t have that predisposition to a genetic chemical imbalance, I would still have had depression and anxiety.

Any child who experienced anything similar to what I experienced would have depression and anxiety. That genetic chemical imbalance garbage was keeping me from acknowledging the fact that trauma was the cause.

As I mentioned earlier, I hear a lot of people saying they need medication for mental illness simply because they have a chemical imbalance. In my opinion, that is incredibly dangerous and prevents people from healing.

It typically results in people thinking a pill will solve all of their mental health struggles. I’ve yet to hear about anybody who took a pill that completely removed all symptoms of mental illness.

Now, I’m not saying the medication does not help. It most certainly does for many people. However, there is much more to mental illness.

Not only that, but the chemical imbalance can also be a result of trauma. There is much more needed to heal trauma than just a pill.

In my late teens and into my early twenties, I tried tons of different medications for depression, but I knew I needed more than that.

Also, each medication only helped a little bit, and only with the day-to-day functioning to get my work done. I was just going through the motions though. I never even had moments of peace or happiness.

There was no medication that changed my feelings of worthlessness. I still felt unlovable. If I heard or saw certain things, I would get triggered with anxiety. Quickly, my mind would return to that childhood fear that I wasn’t safe emotionally or physically.

If my mental illness wasn’t a result of trauma, then the medications would’ve cured it all.

Oh, how I wish those medications would’ve been the answer for me. That would’ve saved me a lot of time, energy, and money in therapy.

Therapists wouldn’t even exist if mental illness were nothing but a simple chemical imbalance. Medications for mental illness truly would be “happy” pills.

It just doesn’t work that way. Mental illness typically results from years of trauma, covered up or not processed.

Trauma needs intense therapy in order for the brain to get re-wired. Trauma also needs to be acknowledged and validated for people to function in a healthier way and begin the healing process.

Saying mental illness is just a chemical imbalance sends the message that your brain is just screwed up and some loose screws need to be tightened.

Equating mental illness to cancer or any other medical illness or disease is denying the major damage trauma causes.

For me, I had enough people downplay my childhood trauma. I’ve also heard way too many people downplay their own.

So, let’s stop doing that. Let’s start naming trauma as equally damaging, if not more, than a simple chemical imbalance.

Name the traumas that resulted in your mental illness. Acknowledge the significant impact that trauma has had on your life and the ways it continues to affect you on a daily basis. And find a good therapist who can guide you through processing your trauma, as I did, so you can heal. Your mind, body, and soul need you to do that.

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About Mary Beth Fox

Mary Beth is a licensed professional counselor and mental health blogger. She guides readers through healing feelings of never being good enough that were created in childhood. Learn more here. She helps readers understand and heal their Not Good Enough Stuff, never feeling good enough, to create a life of peace. Mary Beth writes about boundaries, inner child, relationships and generational trauma. Check out her topics here and subscribe to Not Good Enough Stuff here.

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How My Anger Helped My Learn to Speak Up About My Needs

“If we are holding back from any part of our experience, if our heart shuts out any part of who we are and what we feel, we are fueling the fears and feelings of separation that sustain the trance of unworthiness.” ~Tara Brach

This morning I received a WhatsApp message, and I found myself immediately blown into a state of fury. On the surface the message didn’t seem inflammatory or dramatic; it was a simple request from another parent asking me to do something that wasn’t convenient for me. On the surface it didn’t seem like this message warranted such rage.

The anger exploded inside my body, and I immediately wanted to ring the person who had messaged me. I wanted to shout and scream at them. And I wanted to blame.

I didn’t ring them. I hate the anger, but what I hate more is conflict. To ring someone up and start throwing blame and anger at them would be deeply terrifying to me.

I also wanted to stomp and shout, “This isn’t fair! I hate you! Why are you so selfish?”

I didn’t do that either because I felt so silly having this reaction to a small, insignificant message. The flood of judgment was quick to come: “Why should I, a grown woman, get so ridiculously upset over a small social arrangement organized over text message? What kind of stupid person am I?”

Oh, how emotions can judge and belittle!

In the back of my mind, in a small but annoyingly reasonable voice, someone was saying, “You’re angry. Even if you want to shout at that person, it wouldn’t help. The anger isn’t about them really, is it? You know that about emotion, don’t you? Don’t you…?!”

The anger was so alive in my body, I would have loved to punch something, or scream, but I started pacing instead. I started ranting in a small, quiet, but persistent way, about how annoying and horrible this person was. I attempted to talk to my husband to get some relief from the pressure inside me, hoping he’d say, “Oh, they are awful! You’re right.”

But he was working. And to be honest, I should have been too.

But still, this anger that was in my body—so uncomfortable! So unpleasant! I find it so scary to have the energy in my body because to let it out feels so wildly dangerous. Yet to confine it inside me feels like a bull smashing a china shop to smithereens.

After a while I settled into myself and started actually doing what I know to do with anger—feel it and work with it instead of trying to remove it from my body by complaining or ranting. I stopped focusing on the situation that activated the anger and instead started to notice how it was playing out in my body.

What I know about anger, and all emotions, is that they are rarely caused by what’s happening in the present. The emotion is there before a situation activates it. If we don’t work to release it, it will be there after the situation, waiting for something else to activate it, on the off chance we’ll finally pay proper attention to it and release it in another way.

No one is making us angry. That’s not to say people don’t do hurtful things sometimes, but they are not to blame for the unprocessed emotion that was already there. Not even the person who sent me the text message that screamed to me of selfishness.

Emotions come up over and over, usually around the same frustrations and challenges in our lives. When we don’t know how to release an emotion, it gets stuck in our body and is activated again and again, because we don’t work deeply, at the very core, to release it.

Emotions often get activated where there are unmet needs. Because this feeling of anger has come up again and again over this same issue, I know that on the other side of my anger, something is waiting to be attended to. There is a need that I have that I am not acknowledging or expressing.

The anger was so physically uncomfortable that I stood up—I needed space to fidget and move around—and I tuned into the sensations in my body. I thought about how the anger was showing up.

It felt like there were a thousand fires in my chest. All raging with big intense energy. Underneath the fires, it felt like a bottomless pit of fear and sadness.

This was all so uncomfortable, so to help me stay with these sensations, to have the opportunity to work with this feeling, I started to hold myself and rub my arms. I gave myself a lot of tenderness, love, empathy, and comfort.

“I’m here for you,” I said to myself. “This is really tough, Di. I totally get how uncomfortable this anger is in your body. I get how hard this situation is for you, how it brings up such big, deep, old feelings.”

And as I was holding myself and giving myself love, the sensations started to shift. A little.

I put my hand on my heart and allowed myself to be with it all. The horror of the anger. The deep, nauseating sensations of fear.

All emotions want to be held; they want to be seen and heard. And they need to be felt. But in our society, feeling emotions is uncommon. When we tell a friend we are feeling sad, they try to cheer us up. When we feel upset, we might try and distract ourselves. When we hear our partners are upset, we might try to convince them out of it.

Or we often blame and judge others: They made me upset! They irritated me! They scared me! We rant and complain. Or we suppress ourselves, ignore the emotions. Run far, far away from them.

The truth of it, though, is that the feelings just want to be felt. They want us to say, “I see you! I’ll stay with you.” Emotions want to just be allowed to show up in our bodies and to move through them, like clouds in the sky. This is the really tricky, painful, or scary part for most of us—learning to be with those sensations that emotions bring.

As I stayed with the feeling of anger and met it with love and patience instead of judgment, the intensity of it lessened.

As the fires of the anger started to fade, I asked it what it was trying to tell me. And I heard that it was trying to tell me to stand up for myself, to say to the person who messaged me, “No, I am not happy with that arrangement.”

I have learned that so often my anger is trying to give me the courage to say “no.”

It wasn’t about blaming another person; it wasn’t about forcing someone to do what I want or disagreeing with their requests. There was nothing I could do about anyone expressing themselves, and that’s okay. My anger just wants me to state in a clear, strong voice, “No thanks, that doesn’t work for me.”

My anger wanted me to be comfortable expressing what I wanted and needed. That’s what the anger was trying to help me do.

I saw, though, that the reason I didn’t just say what I wanted and needed was because underneath the anger there was fear—fear of saying what I needed.

I saw how much I wanted to say what I wanted, but how scary it felt in my body. But why would I feel scared about saying what I wanted? What I needed?

Many of us, myself included, learned to deal with our emotions and needs in early childhood by not expressing what we wanted. We learned to defer to other people’s emotions and needs, to allow their  emotions to take up more space. It felt safer, and still feels safer, to think about other people’s needs and emotions rather than our own.

But our emotions don’t want us to defer to others; they don’t want us to not express ourselves. They want us to be fully expressed humans who say what we need and who we are.

And that is why anger kept showing up in my life over and over again when I was asked to do things for people—because my default would be to agree and do whatever anyone asked of me. And anger wanted me to say instead “NO!”

Until I listened to the anger, until I started to say what I wanted, this anger around being asked to do things would keep going on repeat.

I saw that I needed to spend time tending to myself, working with my emotions, and helping myself become more comfortable with saying what I deeply, truly wanted to say.

To be all that I am in the midst of these emotions. Authentically me.

I checked in with my body again and felt the anger had subsided somewhat; the flames were small now, just a little pile of glowing embers. There was a small pool of sadness and fear still near the fire, and I walked over and sat with it.

I said, “Fear, I get it. I get why you feel like this. It’s hard. Thank you for trying to protect me. I get why you don’t want to say what I need. You’re afraid I will be rejected, right? Well, I really need to say what I need, even if there is the chance of rejection. Otherwise, I will feel angry again.”

In this admission of what I needed to do, the fear and sadness seemed to breathe a sigh of relief, and all at once the emotions eased out of my body. The fire was gone, the nausea and bottomless pits. All gone.

I sat with myself, put my hand on my heart, took a deep breath, and calmly and confidently replied to the message.

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About Diana Bird

Diana Bird is a neuro emotional coach and writer, helping people release unhealthy emotional patterns and deep overwhelm. To receive her free workshop on building emotional resilience, sign up for her newsletter here. You’ll also receive invites to her free webinars on subjects like releasing shame and soothing overwhelm. Diana works with clients in her coaching practice and in online workshops and lives on the beach in southern Spain, with her children and photographer husband.

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15 Things You Can’t Control and What You Can Control Instead (Free Printable!)

This post is for anyone who stresses themselves out trying to control life. Which I’m guessing means it’s for most people.

It’s easy to convince ourselves we have power over things we don’t—as if we can force people and situations to go our way simply by trying or pushing harder.

The world would feel a lot safer if this were true. If people did what we thought was best, situations worked out as we believed they should, and nothing challenging or painful ever caught us off guard.

But some things are simply uncontrollable, and it’s exhausting and futile to obsess over them—not to mention disempowering, since we can’t control what’s in our power when we’re fixated on things that aren’t.

As a recovering control freak, I know this all too well. I also know how scary it is to let go and trust that things will somehow be okay, or that I can handle it if things fall apart.

These days I try to focus more on the latter, since that’s something I can control. I can’t control what’s coming, but I can control whether I feel strong enough to cope with it, and even make the best of it.

This is a big part of why I created Tiny Buddha’s Inner Strength Journal, and it’s why I decided to create this list including fifteen things we can’t control, what we can control instead, of what, specifically, we can do to own our power.

Since I think these are reminders that we all need often, I’ve created an abridged two-page PDF that you can print and hang for daily reference, along with a worksheet to help you let of control. You can access them both here.

1. You can’t control: What other people do.

You can control: Whether you participate in their behavior or enable them.

Some specific things you can do: Trust other people to make their own decisions and accept that you’re not responsible for their choices or the consequences of their actions. Consider that their choices and outcomes are somehow necessary for their growth. Recognize that you can accept their behavior without condoning it, participating in it, or enabling it. And set boundaries if their actions are hurtful to your physical, emotional, or mental health.

2. You can’t control: How other people see you.

You can control: How you show up in your relationships and how you see yourself.

Some specific things you can do: Make a list of traits you’d like to embody in your relationships—kindness, honesty, or integrity, for example—and check in with yourself throughout the day to ensure you’re being the kind of person you want to be. Take a little time every night to reflect on everything you did that day that made you proud.

3. You can’t control: How other people treat you.

You can control: How you internalize and respond to their treatment.

Some specific things you can do: Recognize that their behavior isn’t personal; it’s more about them and their own pain and limitations than you. Communicate how their behavior affects you, set boundaries around what you will and will not accept, and plan what you’ll do to enforce those boundaries and what you’ll do if someone crosses them. If the other person regularly treats you with callousness or disrespect, create distance in a relationship or end it altogether.

4. You can’t control: Whether other people like you.

You can control: How true you are to yourself.

Some specific things you can do: Remind yourself that no one is liked by everyone and that you don’t have to win anyone’s approval. You just need to be yourself so you can find likeminded people—people who accept and appreciate you just as you are. Also, list what it means to you to be true to yourself and check in with yourself regularly to see if you’re adhering to your list.

5. You can’t control: What other people think, feel, and believe.

You can control: How you engage about your different opinions, feelings, and beliefs.

Some specific things you can do: Set boundaries around conversations (which topics you won’t discuss, or what you’ll do to stay calm when hot button issues come up). Remind yourself that it’s not your job to change people’s minds. Look for common ground—something you can both agree on, even if you think differently. And remember that you don’t need to see eye-to-eye on everything to have a strong relationship; you just need to respect each other.

6. You can’t control: How other people internalize things you say and do.

You can control: Your intentions and how you respond when you unintentionally hurt someone.

Some specific things you can do: Communicate how you feel if you fear you’ve upset someone and clarify your intentions if you think there’s been a misunderstanding. Also, trust that other people will tell you if they’re upset, and recognize it’s not your job to read their minds if they don’t speak up.

7. You can’t control: What happens to other people.

You can control: How you show up for them when things get hard.

Some specific things you can do: Acknowledge that struggles help us develop strengths and can lead to pride and purpose, so you don’t need to shelter anyone from pain. When they’re hurting, hold space for them instead of trying to save or fix them, and let them know you’re there, you care, and you want to help however you can.

8. You can’t control: Your thoughts and feelings.

You can control: Whether you attach to them, identify with them, or act on them.

Some specific things you can do: Accept that thoughts and feelings come and go, and they are never permanent. They also don’t mean anything about you as a person. Also, practice pausing before acting on a thought or feeling so you can respond from a place of calmness and clarity.

9. You can’t control: The things that have already happened.

You can control: What you do in the present.

Some specific things you can do: Note what you’ve learned from the things you wish you could change so you can do things differently going forward, starting now. Reframe the past to find the good in what happened. Make amends if you’ve hurt someone or write a letter (to send or not) to someone who hurt so you can work toward forgiveness.

10. You can’t control: Everything that’s going to happen.

You can control: How you strengthen yourself to handle the unknown.

Some specific things you can do: Schedule in your daily to-do list at least one activity to boost your mental and emotional health—like meditating, journaling, and connecting with your support system—so you feel capable of handling whatever comes at you. Tiny Buddha’s Inner Strength Journal offers a wide array of prompts, challenges, and exercises to help with this!

11. You can’t control: The outcome of anything you do.

You can control: Your efforts.

Some specific things you can do: Put in the time for anything that matters to you, even if it’s just a little every day. Focus on progress, not perfection, so you don’t end up feeling paralyzed. Lastly, remind yourself that you can only do your best, and your best is good enough; and that even if things don’t turn out as you hope, something good can come from the experience.

12. You can’t control: Your body aging.

You can control: How well you take care of your body and how you think about it.

Some specific things you can do: Prioritize sleep, drink water daily, eat a moderate, mostly unprocessed diet, and move your body a little every day. Focus on how well your body serves you and how it enables you to do things you enjoy. And remember aging is far better than the alternative—and as the saying goes, “a privilege denied to many.”

13. You can’t control: All aspect of your health.

You can control: The preventative health measures you take.

Some specific things you can do: Stay on top of doctor’s appointments and schedule an appointment if ever anything concerns you—don’t wait. Prioritize rest instead of pushing yourself to always be productive. Minimize exposure to toxins, quit smoking if you’re a smoker, and wear sunscreen regularly.

14. You can’t control: The inevitability of you getting hurt.

You can control: How you treat yourself when you’re hurting.

Some specific things you can do: Remind yourself that there’s no way to avoid pain because the act of avoiding itself is painful. Practice sitting with your pain instead of numbing it with substances or addictive behaviors. Talk to yourself as you’d talk to someone you love when they’re hurting, and practice looking for the gains in losses so that every challenge and setback feels meaningful.

15. You can’t control: The fact that there’s suffering in the world.

You can control: Whether you contribute to it or help alleviate it.

Some specific things you can do: Work toward healing your own pain (since hurt people hurt people). Speak up for those who can’t speak for themselves. When you see someone hurting, offer your non-judgmental presence and ask how you can help. Commit small acts of kindness every day. Lastly, donate your time, money, or resources to causes you’re passionate about.

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I hope these reminders help you as much as they’re helping me! You can access the abridged printable list and Letting Go of Control worksheet here.

Also, just a reminder: For a limited time, you can get a free 318-page eBook—Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Overcoming Hard Times—when you preorder Tiny Buddha’s Inner Strength Journal through one of the vendors listed here.

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal, Tiny Buddha's Worry Journal, and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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