8 Reasons We Judge Ourselves and How to Let Go of the Habit

“I am doing the best I can, and I am enough.” ~Unknown

I don’t know about you, but I’ve recognized that historically, I’ve treated myself more harshly than anyone else ever has—and I’ve been in my share of abusive relationships.

I’ve held myself to ridiculous standards, pushed myself to be and do more than I reasonably can, and beat myself up over minor mistakes, as if I didn’t deserve my own respect or compassion. As a result of this emotional abuse, I’ve ended up abusing myself physically, through bulimia, binge drinking, and smoking—all attempts to numb the pain of both my past and my punishing inner voice.

I know I’m not alone with this. And I also know that it’s not our fault that we’ve been conditioned to treat ourselves so cruelly, but it is our responsibility to recognize the wounds that shaped us and do the work to heal.

The first step is understanding why and when we judge ourselves, and from there taking steps to change how we talk to ourselves—which will ultimately change how we treat ourselves. So why do we judge ourselves?

8 Reasons We Judge Ourselves

1. We have an idea in our heads of who and where we think we should be, and we blame ourselves if our reality isn’t measuring up—as if we are solely responsible for everything we experience in life.

In a world with rigid definitions of success and constant exposure to everyone else’s accomplishments, it’s easy to believe you’re failing and falling behind—and it’s all your fault.

Especially if you live in an individualistic culture, like the US, you might believe you need to be special, self-made, to pull yourself up by the bootstraps and succeed on a massive scale—with an endless feed of #nofilter selfies to prove you’re living the good life.

The alternative is to recognize that we alone are not responsible for our “success.” There are lots of factors beyond our control, and we all have different advantages and disadvantages.

Also, no one who’s traditionally successful has gotten there on their own. Many “successful” people have hundreds of fingerprints all over their bootstraps—you just don’t hear about them during interviews that focus primarily on all the things that one person did to get them where they are today.

Next time you’re tempted to compare your life to this ideal that looks good on paper—that might not even make you happy, if it’s not aligned with your personal values and priorities—remind yourself that you can only control your efforts; the outcome is out of your hands, and not a reflection on you personally.

And your happiness isn’t dependent on achievement, otherwise there wouldn’t be so many rich and powerful people struggling with depression and addiction. Your happiness is dependent on how you experience this day—the activities you choose, the time you spend with people you love, and how kind you are to yourself in your head.

So instead of beating yourself up for not “living your best life,” take the shortcut to happiness instead and make the best of the life you’re living right now.

2. We evaluate our worth based on our performance and mistakes, as if we are what we do.

Building on the previous point, we think we have to prove our value through achievements and worry that our worst moments define us.

This is a habit I know all too well. I grew up hungry for the approval I got when I succeeded and desperate to avoid the disappointment that accompanied falling short.

I learned that if I failed or made a mistake, it wasn’t because I did something wrong, it was because I was wrong. I didn’t feel guilty about what I’d done or failed to do, I felt ashamed of myself for being the kind of person who continually messed everything up.

Ironically, I then learned to punish myself whenever I felt ashamed, which then led to more shame-triggering behaviors—like binge drinking to numb my pain, then feeling bad about how I acted when blackout drunk, then binge eating to numb that shame.

It creates a vicious cycle that we can only break when we learn to disconnect our actions and efforts from our identity and recognize that “good” people sometimes make “bad” choices or have “bad” moments—and deserve love and empathy, nonetheless.

It’s a practice, not a one-time shift in thinking, and it becomes easier when we work on the following…

3. We struggle with accepting ourselves as we are because we’re operating based on the false belief that we’re not good enough.

Maybe you developed this belief because it seemed nothing you did growing up was right—either because your parents were hard to please, or they constantly compared you to a high-achieving sibling.

Or maybe someone directly told you you’re not good enough. Emotional abuse has become somewhat normalized, because it’s a pattern people repeat based on what they experienced growing up. And because it doesn’t leave any visible scars, it’s easy to justify cruelty as necessary to maintain control and encourage “good” behavior.

Recognize that this belief is not a fact. And it has nothing to do with who you are. A Tiny Buddha contributor named Marie once wrote about the epiphany she had when she realized if her mother had had a different child, she would have treated her exactly the same way. So it wasn’t that Marie wasn’t good enough; it was that her mother was simply unable to love her in the way she deserved.

If you can start trying this new belief on for size, you can start changing the monologue in your head from the cruel voice of someone who treated you poorly to the loving voice you deserved to hear—one empathetic response at a time.

4. We think we need to be perfect to be lovable, and any sign of imperfection triggers the fear of losing love.

Traditional parenting promotes the idea of withholding affection when children “misbehave” (which is often just a misguided attempt to process their feelings and meet their needs).

On the extreme this might mean physical punishment, but even more palatable disciplinary approaches, like “time outs,” can feel like a loss of love—as if our parent is telling us we don’t deserve attention or affection when our behavior disappoints them.

And it’s not just the parent-child relationship that teaches us only acceptable behaviors will earn us love. Maybe you learned the same in a relationship with an emotionally abusive person, where you were stonewalled when you said or did the “wrong” thing.

There’s no sugarcoating it: Some people will reject us if we don’t meet their expectations, just as we may have experienced in the past. So, the goal isn’t to reverse the belief that we might lose love if we’re imperfect. It’s to practice loving ourselves even when other people don’t, or don’t act like it.

This isn’t easy if we’re constantly jutting up against the belief we deserve to be abused (because that’s how our younger brains made sense of the pain we endured).

I remember a line from a movie that really stuck with me: the daughter of a father who abandoned her said something along the lines of, “The crazy thing is you don’t grow up asking yourself, ‘What’s wrong with him?’ You ask yourself, ‘What’s wrong with me?’”

Isn’t that what most of us do? Look at how people treated us and question what we did to deserve it? As a consequence, self-loathing and/or self-flagellation become a deeply engrained habit, which brings me to my next point…

5. We think self-judgment and self-flagellation are effective ways to motivate ourselves to be better.

We’ve conditioned ourselves to believe we need to beat ourselves up to do better—perhaps because we’re repeating the pattern we lived when we were younger (failure -> punishment -> the expectation of improvement).

This reminds me of a quote that’s guided my parenting philosophy:

“Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?” ~Jane Nelson

The answer, for me at least, is no! I never feel like doing better when I feel deeply ashamed. But that’s how I feel when I put myself down. I’m guessing the same is true for you.

Even if we manage to encourage some positive changes from self-judgment and self-flagellation, we likely won’t feel good about them because we’ll evaluate those changes with the same inner cruelty—thinking our progress isn’t good enough or isn’t happening fast enough.

The alternative is to motivate ourselves as we’d motivate someone we would never want to hurt. I find it helps to visualize the five-year-old version of myself. That innocent little girl who tried her best and always feared it wasn’t good enough.

I visualize myself holding her, looking into her tear-filled eyes, and telling her it’s all okay. It’s okay that she messed up. It’s okay if she’s not perfect. It’s okay to be exactly who and where she is, because I will love her anyways. And that love will help her grow.

6. We’ve adopted beliefs about what’s good and bad and right and wrong—e.g.: good people don’t get angry, it’s wrong to put yourself first—and we judge ourselves when we act out of alignment with these beliefs.

We all carry beliefs about what’s good and right, stemming from our past conditioning, and because we want to be good people (to be worthy, to be loved, to belong), we experience immense internal discomfort when we think we’re doing something “wrong.”

We end up stuffing down our feelings and ignoring our needs—all while judging ourselves for everything we’re trying desperately to repress.

Those feelings and needs don’t go away. As Tiny Buddha contributor Marlena Tillhon wrote, when we’ve shame-bound and repressed a feeling, like anger, it shows up in other ways. So, we may feel intense anxiety instead of communicating our frustration with someone, or we may feel depressed instead of setting boundaries with people who treat us disrespectfully.

And as for our needs, if we don’t meet them, we end up feeling resentful of other people and situations instead of owning the fears that cause us to neglect ourselves and our responsibility for overcoming them.

So now we’re judging ourselves while navigating an emotional landmine, all in an attempt to avoid feeling bad or wrong.

The alternative is to recognize the beliefs that are guiding us, acknowledge that they aren’t facts, and push through the discomfort of owning our feelings and needs.

It’s not an easy task, I know—I often feel guilty for experiencing anxiety because, at a young age, I adopted the belief that anxiety is a sign of weakness, which brings me to my next point…

7. We’ve bought into societal stigmas—that mental health issues aren’t real, or addicts are weak—and beat ourselves up for our struggles.

We live in a judgmental world, so it’s only natural that we’d buy into these stigmas and judge ourselves harshly as a result.

Questioning these stigmas can feel like swimming against a current; we need to allow ourselves to believe that the majority (or what feels like the majority) are wrong. And we need to learn to give less weight to what other people think, in general and about us.

For a long time, when I was struggling with bulimia, I exacerbated my self-loathing by telling myself bulimics were gross—something I’d internalized from external messages I’d received. I believed binging was a sign that I lacked self-control, and purging was a sign of my inherent repulsiveness.

I remember on my first day of art therapy, in a long-term residential treatment program, I drew myself curled up in a bag of vomit. Because that’s how I saw myself: disgusting… discardable… trash.

It was impossible to heal with these beliefs driving my self-perception. Until I empathized with myself, I would continue hurting myself in one way or another because I would continue believing that I deserved to be hurt.

It was a huge epiphany for me when I realized some part of me actually wanted to hurt, which brings me to my final point…

8. We’ve become addicted to feeling bad about ourselves and have essentially trained our brains, through repetition, to think negatively about ourselves.

Usually with addictions, our reward system is activated when we experience a dopamine rush, which is why we keep repeating the behavior. Feeling bad in no way feels good, but it may feel familiar, and it may be our default mode because we’ve reinforced it through repetition.

If you always tell yourself you’re a failure, then you feel nervous when doing something hard—then create a self-fulfilling prophecy by letting your insecurities hold you back—you’re basically caught up in a cycle of beliefs influencing behavior which then reinforces beliefs.

I have been here many times before, most notably as it pertains to social situations. I was bullied as a kid and, in response, an authority figure told me, “If I was your age, I wouldn’t be your friend.” So, I learned to believe that no one would like me, and this created a social awkwardness that made it hard to connect with people.

Because I thought people wouldn’t like me, I made it hard to get to know me, and no one had a chance to like me. But this felt safe. Because if they didn’t know me, they couldn’t hurt me. Unfortunately, though, I could still hurt myself—and would continue to hurt myself until I decided I didn’t have to live the story that I was unlovable. And I didn’t have to reinforce by treating myself that way.

—

Overcoming self-judgment is hard work, and it’s not something we do overnight. It may take years to recognize and change our beliefs and patterns, and it might be a process of two steps forward, one step back—or maybe one step forward, five steps back.

The beautiful thing about the difficulty inherent in this process is that it provides countless opportunities for us to practice loving ourselves—or at least being kind to ourselves—through struggle.

So, celebrate your victories, no matter how small, and see the opportunity in your missteps, no matter how big. It’s all the path to healing, which can be incredibly dark and scary, despite leading to light, so we deserve a lot of credit for being brave enough to take it.

—

This is the last post in a five-part series on letting go, echoing the themes in my guided meditation/EFT tapping package ($99 value)—now available as a FREE bonus with Tiny Buddha’s Mindfulness Kit (which is now on sale for $39). You can find the first post introducing the series here, the second post on letting go of approval here, the third post on letting go of the need to control people and life here, and the last post on letting go of stress and pressure here.

The Mindfulness Kit includes four aromatherapy-based products, a daily meditation practice guide, and three digital guides for daily calm. 

Ready to find peace from your busy mind? Get the Mindfulness Kit and get instant access to the meditations and digital bonuses here.

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. She recently launched a Mindfulness Kit to help reduce our stress and increase our peace and joy. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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When You Struggle with Being Yourself, Remember This

“Make the most of yourself… for that is all there is of you.” ~Ralph Waldo Emerson

Every day, it was more or less the same. I presented an edited version of myself to the world. I felt a deep level of discomfort with the idea of letting myself go. Could I? Should I? The answer was “no” every time, even if it wasn’t always a conscious decision.

It felt wrong to be myself in a society where we’re conditioned to believe that we have to look and be a certain way to fit in. I believed that no one would accept me as I was. That it would result in my personality being mocked or criticized.

After all, how can anyone understand someone who’s both quiet and bubbly? The two aren’t said to go together. If you’re bubbly, it means you’re outgoing, fun, lively. On the other hand, a quiet person is likely to be just that—quiet, all the time. At least, that’s what most people think.

And if you’re both, then there’s something about you that isn’t quite right because you can’t be put into one box.

As for the side of me that likes to laugh, be silly, and squeal in delight at rainbows, how childish. I need to grow up. I should be more mature like everyone else; play less and get serious about life because that’s how it is as an adult. Less fun, more… boring.

Those thoughts held me back for years. The “shoulds” I imposed on myself were endless, and they rarely worked in my favor, so parts of me remained hidden like some shameful secret that could never be revealed. It felt like the biggest annoyance to not be able to show all sides of myself.

As time passed, I started to notice some things about the way I interacted with people. I noticed that on some occasions, I would feel completely relaxed in a person’s presence. Talking to them felt like talking to someone I had known for years.

There was no tension, no paranoia about what they might be thinking of me, and no unnecessary mind chatter trying to convince me that I looked stupid or weird.

The second form of interaction was the kind of encounter where I felt judged with every breath I took.

The vibe was off, a total mismatch, and the conversation was strained. Was it me, and was I the cause of this disconnect? Perhaps, at times, my obvious feelings of awkwardness or self-consciousness left the other person with a feeling of discomfort. Maybe they gave up after hitting the invisible wall I’d built around myself.

And then, there was and still is the third type of interaction. The kind where I’m happy to talk to someone, but I make a conscious decision to not show all of who I am. It’s not necessarily because I don’t like the person or that I have anything against them. It’s often because I don’t feel a connection with them where I would want to show other sides of myself.

Sometimes, but not always, I see myself as a prize. The more we get on, the more of me you win. The deeper connection I feel, the more of the prize you get to see, which may come across as pompous to a certain degree. But this isn’t about thinking that I’m better than anyone else or getting to choose someone’s level of deservability.

It’s the level of connection that matters the most. In my mind, it’s not necessary to show everything to everyone all the time just for the sake of it, and perhaps that’s the introvert in me speaking. But that’s what has helped me to feel more okay with being myself.

No pressure, no forcing. Just doing it my way and understanding that I get to choose: In interactions, I either reveal more of myself or I don’t. And if my holding back results in my missing out on establishing a deeper connection with someone because they took off due to seeing me as “hard work,” then that’s both of our loss. A loss, however, that won’t break us, unless we let it.

So, when you struggle to be yourself, remember, you too have a choice. Always. And you don’t need to feel guilty or bad about not being your true self around others, especially when you don’t even want to. Sometimes, it may not even be appropriate.

Showing up as your full-blown glorious self can feel terrifying, and that’s okay because you’re human. So obvious but so easy to forget.

As humans, we ride the waves of life every day. Some of the waves are far too tumultuous for us to bear, and we’re left feeling battered, bruised, and shaken.

We believe that what we’ve experienced is an unshared experience—no one will ever understand; we think that what we’ve done shouldn’t be revealed—people will think ill of us; we presume that what we’ve not done is going to be held against us. That may be the case in some instances, but the rest of the time, we’re safer than we realize.

Being yourself is important, but forcing yourself to make it happen isn’t. You’re allowed to practice. You’re allowed to take two steps forward and five steps back. You’re allowed to trip up multiple times. You’re allowed to be human.

So, be patient with yourself and focus on embracing your humanness because that, more than anything, is what we all share. And when we embrace it, we make it easier for ourselves to accept what, who, and how we are.

It’s the remembering that we’re human and the compassion that we have for ourselves that steer us closer to being ourselves. Trying to be yourself while ignoring your human tendencies and being hard on yourself only leads to more trying.

It’s time to stop trying, especially if you’ve been trying for years. Instead, spend more time noticing just how human you’re being today. Spend time noticing just how human others are being too. You may not always like what you see, but there’s no getting away from the fact that it all comes back to us being human. Multifaceted humans.

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Denise is the creator of Mission: Sugar-Free, a workbook that helps women prepare to quit sugar and stay successfully sugar-free TheSugarFreeLife.club.

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Buddha Quotes on Life, Love, Happiness That Will Enlighten You

Buddha called as an Awakened one. Believed that Gautama Buddha set out the long way to find freedom of pain, distress, or hardship and educate it to overcome from this is called as Awakens or Buddha. A boy Siddhartha who has awakened himself and became Gautama Buddha. He decided that he will teach the world by his great thought and today 535 million+ people around the globe are following his thought. Read below approx. top Gautama Buddha Quotes which will describe and solve the different aspects of life. Maybe it will give the meaning of life and help you to be in light yourself of good things toward life journey.

Here are The Best Gautama Buddha Quotes on Life, Love, Happiness That Will Give Us True Lessons for Life.

Buddha Quotes

“If you do not change direction, you may end up where you are heading.” ― Gautam Buddha

“The mind is everything. What you think you become.” — Buddha

“You will not be punished for your anger, you will be punished by your anger.” — Buddha

“If you find someone with Wisdom, good judgment, and good actions; make him a companion.”  — Buddha

“Everything that has a beginning has an ending.. Make peace with that and all will be well.” — Buddha

“To be a mother is sweet, and a father. It is sweet to live arduously and to master yourself.” — Buddha

“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” — Buddha

“If you find no one to support you on the spiritual path, walk alone.” — Buddha Quotes

“There is the taking on of a practice that is pleasant in the present and yields pleasure in the future.” — Buddha

“He has the most who is most content with the least.” — Buddha

“When you realize how perfect everything is you will tilt your head back and laugh at the sky.” — Buddha

“It is better to conquer yourself than to win a thousand battles. Then the victory is yours. It cannot be taken from you, not by angels or by demons, heaven or hell.” — Buddha

“There is nothing so disobedient as an undisciplined mind, and there is nothing so obedient as a disciplined mind.” — Buddha

“Meditate. Live purely. Be quiet. Do your work with mastery. Like the moon, come out from behind the clouds! Shine.” — Buddha

“The way is not in the sky. The way is in the heart.” — Buddha

“By this path the past, present and future Bodhisattvas have been saved, are being saved, and will be saved.” — Buddha

“Everyday is a new day! “No matter how hard the past, you can always begin again.” — Buddha

“Satisfied covering the body with robes and feeding the belly with morsels I went with all my belongings wherever I went.” — Buddha

“There are these five clinging-aggregates: form, feeling, perception, impulses, and consciousness.” — Buddha

“No one saves us but ourselves. No one can and no one may. We ourselves must walk the path.” — Buddha

“Words have the power to both destroy and heal. When words are both true and kind, they can change our world.” — Buddha

“The five skandhas are the holding mass of matter, feelings, perceptions, impulses and the holding mass of consciousness.” — Buddha

“Meditation brings wisdom; lack of meditation leaves ignorance.” — Buddha

“The Buddha dissuades beings from the notion of a self, and then through emptiness liberates them from samsara.” — Buddha

“Doubt everything. Find your own light.” — Buddha

“To conquer oneself is a greater task than conquering others.” — Buddha

“Pain is certain, suffering is optional.” — Buddha

“You are like the yellow leaf. The messengers of death are at hand. You are to travel far away. What will you take with you?” — Buddha

“Though you may read many sutras and speak about them to others, what good will they do you if you do not act upon them?” — Buddha

“Each morning we are born again. What we do today is what matters most.” — Buddha

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.”  — Buddha

“You can surely not assume that the real essence of form has actually been apprehended.” — Buddha

“The only real failure in life is not to be true to the best one knows.” — Buddha

“Every human being is the author of his own health or disease.” — Buddha

“It is in the nature of things that a dispassionate person realizes the knowledge and vision of release.” — Buddha 

“Give, even if you only have a little.” — Buddha

“An idea that is developed and put into action is more important than an idea that exists only as an idea.” — Buddha

“Follow the awakened and from among the blind the light of your wisdom will shine out, purely.” — Buddha

“Work out your own salvation. Do not depend on others.” — Buddha

“If we could see the miracle of a single flower clearly, our whole life would change.” — Buddha

“It is in the nature of things that a person whose mind is concentrated knows and sees things as they actually are.” — Buddha

“Without faith there is no approaching; therefore faith is of much help for approaching the Dharma.” — Buddha

Buddha Quotes on Happiness

“Happiness does not depend on what you have or who you are. It solely relies on what you think.” — Buddha

“Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions.” — Buddha

“Happiness is nothing more than good health and a bad memory.” — Buddha

“Health is the greatest gift, contentment the greatest wealth, faithfulness the best relationship.” — Buddha

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” — Buddha

“To keep the body in good health is a duty… otherwise we shall not be able to keep our mind strong and clear.” — Buddha

“To enjoy good health, to bring true happiness to one’s family, to bring peace to all, one must first discipline and control one’s own mind. If a man can control his mind he can find the way to Enlightenment, and all wisdom and virtue will naturally come to him.” — Buddha

“Thousands of candles can be lighted from a single candle, and the life of the candle will not be shortened. Happiness never decreases by being shared.” — Buddha

“Believe nothing, no matter where you read it, or who said it, no matter if I have said it unless it agrees with your own reason and your own common sense.” — Buddha

“In a controversy the instant we feel anger, we have already ceased striving for the truth, and have begun striving for ourselves.” — Buddha

“Better than a thousand hollow words, is one word that brings peace.” — Buddha

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, but concentrate the mind on the present moment.” — Buddha

Buddha Quotes on Love

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” — Buddha

“In the end, only three things matter: How much you loved, how gently you lived, and how gracefully you let go of things not meant for you.” — Buddha

“If you truly loved yourself, you could never hurt another.” — Buddha

“Love yourself and watch today, tomorrow … always. First, establish yourself in the way, then teach — and so defeat sorrow.”  — Buddha

“Hatred does not cease by hatred, but only by love; this is the eternal rule.” — Buddha

“The world always finds a way to praise and a way to blame. It always has and it always will.” — Buddha

“The bodhisattva, having stood in the perfection of meditation, does not apprehend form or any of the other skandhas.” — Buddha

“There are only two mistakes one can make along the road to truth; not going all the way, and not starting.” — Buddha

“Our sorrows and wounds are healed only when we touch them with compassion.” — Buddha

“We can never obtain peace in the outer world until we make peace with ourselves.” — Buddha

“If you have a person, you have something in him that is a part of yourself. What isn’t part of ourselves doesn’t disturb us.” — Buddha

“It is a man’s own mind, not his enemy or foe, that lures him to evil ways.” — Buddha

“Don’t blindly believe what others say. See for yourself what brings contentment, clarity & peace. That is the path for you to follow.” — Buddha

“The thought does not occur to a monk that ‘I am about to attain the cessation of perception and feeling.” — Buddha

“There is the taking on of a practice that is painful in the present but yields pleasure in the future.” — Buddha

“Go beyond this way or that way, to the farthest shore where the world dissolves and everything becomes clear.” — Buddha

“Believe, meditate, see. Be harmless. Be blameless. Awake to the Dharma and from all sorrow free yourself.”  — Buddha

“Have compassion for all beings, rich and poor alike; each has their suffering. Some suffer too much, others too little.” — Buddha

“With the purified divine eye, surpassing that of men, a Buddha sees beings as they pass hence or come to be.” — Buddha

“The mind released through wisdom here and now; knowing and realizing, one with the destruction of desires is a recluse.” — Buddha

“To be idle is a short road to death and to be diligent is a way of life; foolish people are idle, wise people are diligent.” — Buddha

“If you cannot find a good companion to walk with, walk alone, like an elephant roaming the jungle. It is better to be alone than to be with those who will hinder your progress.” — Buddha

“Everything arises and passes away. When you see this, you are above sorrow. This is the shining way.” — Buddha

“We are shaped by our thoughts; we become what we think. When the mind is pure, joy follows like a shadow that never leaves.” — Buddha

“Do not dwell in the past, do not dream of the future, concentrate the mind on the present moment.” — Buddha

“Look not to the faults of others, nor to their omissions and commissions. But rather look to your own acts, to what you have done and left undone.” ― Gautama Buddha

“To keep the body in good health. is a duty.” — Buddha Quotes

“Go beyond likes and dislikes, passion and desire, sensuousness and lust, grief and fear, free yourself from attachment.” — Gautama Buddha

“There is no path to happiness. Happiness is the path.” — Gautama Buddha

“The secret of health for both mind and body is not to mourn for the past, worry about the future, or anticipate troubles, but to live in the present moment wisely and earnestly.” — Gautama Buddha

“In our lives, change is unavoidable, a loss is unavoidable. In the adaptability and ease with which we experience change, lies our happiness and freedom.” — Gautama Buddha

“It is better to do nothing than to do what is wrong. For whatever you do, you do to yourself.” — Buddha

“As dust thrown against the wind, mischief is blown back in the face of the fool who wrongs the pure and harmless.” — Buddha

“Let us rise up and be thankful, for if we didn’t learn a lot today, at least we learned a little, and if we didn’t learn a little, at least we didn’t get sick, and if we got sick, at least we didn’t die; so, let us all be thankful.” — Buddha

“A family is a place where minds come in contact with one another. If these minds love one another the home will be as beautiful as a flower garden. But if these minds get out of harmony with one another it is like a storm that plays havoc with the garden.” — Buddha

Final Words:-

Gautam Buddha is a very calm, peaceful, and fair way of life and these Buddha Quotes encompass the philosophy of Buddha’s teachings. You have read about the beautiful Quotes of Gautam Buddha. Now the time has come to improve our lives so seriously I am asking you how do feel now please write in the comment area and also tell us which Buddha Quotes Images you like the most.

 

Additional Reading:-

• Sadhguru Jaggi Vasudev Quotes
• Best OSHO Quotes on Life or Love
• Swami Vivekananda Quotes and Thoughts

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He Broke My Heart But Taught Me These 5 Things About Love

“Sometimes the only closure you need is the understanding that you deserve better.” ~Trent Shelton 

I’ll never forget the day we met.

It was a classic San Francisco day. The sky was a perfect cerulean blue. The sun sparkled brightly.

I ventured from my apartment in the Haight to Duboce Park to enjoy the Saturday. Dogs chased balls in the dog park. Friends congregated on the little hill. They giggled, listened to music, and ate picnic food. Kites flew high in the breeze. Adults tossed Frisbees in their t-shirts and bare feet.

And I sat, bundled up in my scarf, zippered fall jacket, warm wool socks, and cable-knit sweater.

This was summer in San Francisco. I had recently moved to the city at the end of May from the east coast with steamy eighty-degree weather, and now in July I sat on a hill and shivered. The famous saying fit perfectly, “The coldest winter I ever spent was the summer I spent in San Francisco.”

I decided to venture to a nearby café, a French café called Café du Soleil (The Café of the Sun) and warm up with a hot beverage. I loved their outdoor seating.

When I arrived, the café was packed. Every seat in the patio and the whole place was taken, except for one free stool at the bar next to a tall, handsome man.

I sat down next to him with my hot chocolate and commented on how crowded the café was. He smiled and agreed, no longer interested in his salad or his glass of white wine. He was interested in me instead. His eyes sparkled.

Fireworks!

He was an artist, a photographer. He was a creative like me. Recently, he purchased his first house in Oakland, which included a lovely garden and was close to his work at a fine Japanese restaurant. Our conversation flowed easily, but from the moment I met him, I noticed a dark cloud over his head.

“Are you married?” I asked.

He jiggled his left fingers to show an empty hand.

“No. No ring,” he said.

“Kids?” I asked.

“No,” he said, “but I would like some.”

Our eyes locked. He sighed.

“But… I’ll never have kids,” he said.

I pressed my lips.

“Oh, I think you’ll have kids one day,” I said in a lulling voice, looking sweetly into his eyes.

He melted.  He really saw me. His eyes were full of adoration, love, and awe.

We started dating immediately. It was fun and easy. He came to see me perform in Berkeley and I visited him in Oakland (in Fruitvale where he lived), where it was warmer and sunnier. He cooked me meals at his home with fresh fish and vegetables from his garden.

Hummingbirds danced in the air when we were together. We drove to romantic rendezvous, danced, and he introduced me to the important people in his life: his best friend and his boss.

The more time we spent together the sunnier and brighter he became, the happier we both were.

Later, he admitted that he actually made most of his money selling drugs, followed by bartending, and that photography was only a hobby, not a profession. Also, he confessed that he had an alcohol and drug addiction. This was the reason his previous relationship ended even though they were both in love.

I became sober before I moved to California. I overlooked the red flags because of our remarkable chemistry. Since I didn’t drink, he only drank one glass of wine with me at dinner and didn’t seem to want another. Because I didn’t do drugs, he never did drugs around me and he never talked about missing them.

Everything was going perfectly, or so I thought. We never fought. Then Malik took his annual vacation to an event called Burning Man in Nevada while I stayed in San Francisco looking for a new apartment. Burning Man was very popular among the San Francisco locals and I was intrigued, but my sublet was up and I had to find a new place fast.

Described as the “biggest party on earth” or “the only place where you can truly be yourself without judgment,” Burning Man was where people could party all day and night, dress up in outrageous costumes, see fantastic art and performances, and be completely uninhibited.

When Malik returned from Burning Man, the storm cloud over his head reconvened above him and overshadowed him. He was jittery and paranoid. In fact, I didn’t recognize him; he became distorted and ugly. His eyes were glassy and darted back and forth like Gollum in The Hobbit. Hunched over, he tapped his fingers incessantly.

“Everything happened too fast,” he blurted. “I told you, I don’t want to fall. I just wanted to have fun. I didn’t want to fall. I can’t sustain a relationship longer than two years. You want more than that. You should have kids. You’re getting older. You’d be a great mother. You need to have kids while you still can. You deserve that. You’re beautiful. There are plenty of handsome men in San Francisco. Why would you pick me? Pick one of them!”

“Malik… we are having fun. I won’t let you fall. Let’s glide. Why are you talking about marriage and kids?”

“You want more. I know it. I see it.”

“We’ve never talked about the future.”

“It’s not going to work. It’s over.”

“Why are you breaking up with me? It makes no sense. Things were good before you left. We never fought. You were only gone a week. You mentioned having fun with a girl. Did you meet someone else?”

His jaw hung open; his eyes bugged, and he took a large melodramatic step backward and gasped. He was shocked by my directness and accusation. But perhaps he was also stunned by my keen intuition.

Sure enough, over the magical week, he met a beautiful redhead from Arizona, a single mother, who was interested in doing drugs with him in the desert, to escape her demons.

They had so much fun together, isolated in a made-up city, laughing in the temptress of the sweltering heat. They experimented with Molly on the floor of his tent and “died together.”  Like Romeo and Juliet.

I was devastated. Malik was no longer the person I thought he was. I had envisioned a life together. I had imagined traveling the world together.

He told me he didn’t want me to text him any longer, and I didn’t. But the pain seared inside of me. and I held on for hope that he would see his faults and come back to me. How would he maintain a long-distance relationship with someone he did drugs with in the desert for a week? It made no sense. But that was how much he valued drugs over me.

I never felt closure. I never felt that I was able to express all of my feelings. I wondered if I had been more vulnerable with him, if he knew how much I cared, if he would have had second thoughts and returned to me. He never came back. He never texted. It took me a long time to let him go. He was a big love for me.

Looking back today (years later), I learned:

1. Trust a soulmate connection.

I felt it deep in my heart. I had met a soulmate. There was no denying it. Even though it didn’t work out, he opened my heart to love.

2. See the red flags.

I didn’t understand it at the time, but now I know that you can’t help anyone get over drug addiction. They have to want it for themselves.

3. Don’t cling to love.

Don’t cling in a relationship and don’t cling once it’s over for it to return. This was a hard lesson for me because when I love, I love hard.

I have learned if you love someone and they cannot commit, do not hold on. If you love someone and they don’t want to be in a relationship with you, don’t think that in time, they will come to their senses and see how great you were and regret it and come back apologetically. People sometimes move on fast. Set them free. Holding on only hurts you. Allow yourself some peace too.

4. Value honesty.

A relationship without honesty is not a deep relationship. One shouldn’t have to drag it out of someone that they are dating someone else or that they have a drug addiction.

5. Be with someone who has the same vision of the future.

If you don’t have the same vision of the future, it’s not going to work. It shouldn’t be assumed that you know their wishes or that you have the same vision. It must be communicated.

Meeting Malik opened my heart. Even though our time together was brief, it changed me forever. After overcoming the grief of losing a soulmate, it taught me not to settle, that I deserve better, and to trust that I will experience an even greater love next time.

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About Khristee Rich

Khristee Rich is a healer and spiritual teacher who helps empathic women and creatives to feel joyful and prioritize their dreams, talents, and wellness so that they can live an extraordinary life. With her unique Reiki/shamanism blend and skills being clairvoyant, psychic, a medium, and an empath, she inspires and empowers women to heal, dream big and shine. Visit thedancingcurtain.com/blog/ and claim your free gift here.

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Freedom from Food – This Time for Good!

“Nonresistance is the key to the greatest power in the universe.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I cannot say that I didn’t struggle in my life. But there’s one area in which I have overcome the challenges I was facing with hardly an effort: letting go of the eating disorder I was suffering from, getting rid of the extra weight I was carrying, and maintaining the results easily for twenty-eight years.

How Did I Do That?

In a minute I’ll tell you exactly how I did that and how you can do it too. But first let me take a moment to explain what exactly I was dealing with.

As a child I always loved to eat and ate quite a lot, but though I wasn’t skinny I was always thin.

At around fifteen I developed an eating disorder. I usually say that I suffered from bulimia, but when I read the symptoms, I’ve realized it might have been a binge eating disorder.

I would eat a huge amount of food one day in a short period of time, and the next day I would start an extreme diet plan that I never managed to maintain for long. On one occasion I managed to maintain such a diet plan for several months until my period stopped and my hair started falling out.

I would rarely vomit. Firstly, because it took a couple of years until I found out it was possible, and secondly, because it made my eyes red and swollen.

But I think the exact diagnosis is not that important. In any case, I was suffering. And I’m sure you can relate, because even if you are not diagnosed with an eating disorder, you might still be struggling with endless cycles of dieting and overeating.

(You may not be calling your eating plan “a diet,” since today it’s fashionable to say “I simply eat healthy” instead. But all those healthy *and strict* eating plans are ultimately diets, and like any diet, they eventually drive us to binge eating.)

Why Did This Happen to Me?

Concurrent with the development of my eating disorder I struggled as a teenager with bullying for six years.

As an adult, when thinking about what happened, I used to say that eating was a distraction from my feelings. This is not entirely wrong; however, over time I’ve realized that this was not the main cause of my problem.

My mother struggled most of her life with obesity and for years she tried all sorts of diets, without success.

When I was in the seventh grade, she became concerned that I was eating too much. “If you keep eating so much, you’ll end up being fat like me,” she repeatedly told me.

As a consequence, I came to believe that I inherited her tendency to be overweight and thus shouldn’t eat certain kinds of food. And because I had a hard time resisting the temptation, I started eating in secret and eventually developed an eating disorder and gained weight.

The Big Shift

Toward the age of twenty-three I woke up one morning with the understanding that not only did I think about food all day long, my efforts to overcome my weight problem didn’t get me anywhere.

That morning I decided I would never diet again, even if it meant being overweight my entire life. I also decided that the foods that made me break my diet time and time again would become an integral part of my menu.

For instance, from that day on, for many years my breakfast consisted of coffee and cookies (and that wasn’t the only sweet thing I ate that day).

Once the burden of dieting was removed from my life, I no longer felt the irresistible urge to finish a whole block of chocolate like before. I knew I could eat chocolate today, tomorrow, the day after tomorrow, and so on; and thus, I got to the point where I had chocolate at home and didn’t touch it—something I couldn’t imagine before.

During the following year my weight has balanced and to this day, twenty-eight years later, I am thin and maintaining a stable body weight.

I still think quite a lot about food, but not obsessively, only because I enjoy it so much. I also eat quite a lot, by estimation between 1700-2000 calories a day (I don’t count). I love healthy food but also enjoy unhealthy foods, and I never feel guilty for something I ate; in the worst-case scenario I suffer from a stomachache or nausea.

The Principles That Gained Me My Freedom

1. No food is the enemy.

Contrary to popular belief, no food by itself has the power to create addiction, ruin your health (unless you are suffering from a specific medical condition), or make you instantly fat. However, many people have gotten extremely rich by convincing you otherwise.

Obviously, the main part of your diet should be healthy, yet the bigger problem than eating unhealthy food is stressing, obsessing, and loathing yourself for doing so!

If you can’t control yourself in front of a certain food, allow yourself to eat it only when you are outside or buy it in small packages.

2. No food is strictly forbidden.

When we forbid ourselves from a certain food, we inevitably develop an uncontrollable desire for it, and eventually find ourselves helplessly bingeing it.

When we allow ourselves to eat whatever we crave, as I did with sweets, the day that we don’t feel like eating the food we couldn’t resist before, or desire it only once in a while, will surely come.

The reason why this idea seems so unrealistic to most people is due to what I’ll describe next.

3. Give yourself permission.

The secret of my success was that I really allowed myself to eat whatever I want for the rest of my life.

While people sometimes say that they give themselves permission to eat certain foods, they are still driven by fear of these foods and by the belief that they shouldn’t be eating them.

While “enjoying” their freedom, in their minds they say to themselves, “tomorrow I’ll get back on track.” (Tomorrow, in this context, can mean the next day or “as soon as I can.”)

And as long as this is their state of mind, they’ll be impelled to eat as much as possible of the forbidden food today.

4. Stop treating yourself as an emotional eater.

According to the urban legend about emotional eating, a “normal” person should only eat when they are hungry, only healthy food, never eat for pleasure only, and never reach a sense of fullness.

Anything but this is emotional eating.

But this is a complete deception, and if you hold onto it, you’ll forever be dieting and bingeing and will always feel that something is wrong with you.

I often eat a bit too much or things that are not so healthy. I eat not only according to my needs but also for pleasure. And if I overdo it, nausea, stomachache, and a feeling of heaviness remind me that I need to regain balance.

I’m not saying that overeating has no emotional motive; I’m just saying that this idea has gone way too far.

5. Follow your own guidance.

I can promise you that as long as you eat according to someone else’s plan, or according to any strict plan, over time your efforts will be futile.

Rules such as “You must eat breakfast,” “three (or six) meals a day,” “Chew each bite thirty times,” “Never eat in front of the TV,” or, “Don’t eat after 7pm,” will only stand between you and your natural instincts and enhance fear and self-judgment.

I eat fast, mainly in front of the TV, I eat small portions every one to three hours, I eat late at night—and that’s fine for me.

So listen to yourself and learn through trial and error what works best for your body.

6. Be honest with yourself.

Often people say things like, “I’ve forgotten to eat,” “I’m never hungry before 4pm,” or, “one modest meal a day totally satisfies me.”

They insist so strongly it’s the truth that they manage to deceive even themselves. But only for a while. Eventually their natural hunger and satisfy mechanisms reveal the truth, and again they find themselves bingeing.

So don’t play games with yourself. It might work in the short term, but it keeps you in the loop of weight fluctuations and obsessive thinking about food in the long term.

7. Do not waste calories on something you don’t like.

If you insist on eating something you don’t want to, you’ll find yourself craving what you really desired and eventually eating it in addition to what you already ate.

8. Be physically active.

Being physically active boosts your metabolism and immune system and supports your emotional and physical well-being.

Sometimes, however, people set a trap for themselves when they push themselves too far with exercising, and thus, after a while they can’t endure it anymore and ultimately quit.

Instead, be as active as you can and in the way that best suits you. That will serve you much better in the long term.

9. Focus on reaching a balance.

Your ideal body weight might be a bit higher than the one you desire. But remember, insisting on reaching a certain body weight that is beyond your natural balance will cost you your freedom and keep you in the vicious circle of dieting and bingeing.

Last but Not Least…

The concept I’ve offered here won’t make you lose weight overnight. It took me a year to lose the excess twenty-two pounds I was carrying. And if you have more weight to lose it might take a bit longer.

But if you feed it well, without driving it crazy with constant fluctuations between starvations and overeating, over time your body will relax and balance itself, this time for good.

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About Sharon Shahaf

Sharon Shahaf’s unique approach identifies and provides a solution for the core challenges of mankind in the modern-age; low self-esteem, fear and anxiety, emptiness, sadness, and anger, and helps people regain their inner wholeness. Visit her website to get the FREE course “7 Simple steps to real self-love” and learn about her book “100% Choice – Becoming a conscious creator of your life”.

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