10 Positive Things to Do for Yourself in the New Year

I think I know you pretty well. I know I don’t know you, know you, but I’m guessing since you’re here, you’re a lot like me.

You want to be your best self. You want to make the most of your life. You want to be the best you can be, physically and mentally, for the people around you. And you quite possibly will take a little time today to think about what you should embrace or release in the year ahead to boost your happiness and make a positive impact on the world.

Maybe you’ll make a list of things you’d like to do or achieve (buy my first house is high on my list). Maybe you’ll jot down some habits to adopt and let go (I’m planning to start trampoline rebounding and trying to stop scrolling while with my kids.) Perhaps you’ll also set some goals with the people you love in mind (my big one is to control less and trust more).

Whatever your individual resolutions, and even if you don’t set any at all, your next year will largely depend on your mental state from day to day.

We can have everything we’ve ever wanted and be miserable, or have very little and be the happiest we’ve ever been. It mostly comes down to how we think, what we believe, and how well we take care of ourselves. Which means we have tremendous power to change our life for the better, regardless of the external goals we achieve, simply by making wise choices for our own well-being.

With this in mind, I decided to create a list of positive things we can do for ourselves to make this next one our best year yet, using quotes from the blog (all of which I included in Tiny Buddha’s 2022 Day-to-Day Calendar—still available if you want to check it out!).

I hope these suggestions bring you peace, joy, and healing, in 2022 and beyond!

1. Practice mindfulness.

“When we spend too much time lost in our thinking minds—rushing from one appointment to the next—life, which is always happening now, flashes by unnoticed. The days, the weeks, the months, the years all blur into one, as the preciousness of each living moment is lost to a lack of presence. We’re left wondering where all the time has gone and why we feel so dissatisfied, unfulfilled, and disconnected. Taking time to be more attentive to each new moment as it arises is the key to experiencing more peace, connection, and aliveness, regardless of what is going on in your life or what you believe it should look like.” ~Richard Paterson

2. Embrace change.

“Life is not about what happens to us but how we react to it, and some of our biggest disappointments can lead to better things in life, bringing us new beginnings, if we learn to adapt and embrace change. Expect life not to go to plan and then you won’t be so disappointed. Accept what is, look for the silver lining, and adapt. Keep looking for the good in every moment and learn from the tough ones. This is how we not only survive but thrive: by embracing each moment for what it is and choosing to make the best of it.” ~Jess Stuart

3. Have faith in yourself.

“Have a little faith in your ability to handle whatever’s coming down the road. Believe that you have the strength and resourcefulness required to tackle whatever challenges come your way. And know that you always have the capacity to make the best of anything. Even if you didn’t want it or ask for it, even if it seems scary or hard or unfair, you can make something good of any loss or hardship. You can learn from it, grow from it, help others through it, and maybe even thrive because of it. The future is unknown, but you can know this for sure: Whatever’s coming, you got this.” ~Lori Deschene

4. Slow down.

“It can be addictive to run yourself ragged, I know. Your heart beats faster, you feel the thrill of a rush, and your brain feels like it’s about to burst with all your ideas and plans. You’re constantly going, going, going, with no stop to it. But chasing that feeling is also damaging your health in the long run. If your head is hurting or you feel tired, take a rest. You are not lazy for needing a break. It’s your body’s way of telling you that it’s been running at full speed for far too long. Listen to your body.” ~Melissa Chu

5. Commit to meeting your personal needs.

“For many of us, our needs aren’t even on the radar. Simply taking a moment to ask yourself what they are can give you answers you never knew were there. So ask yourself: What are my needs? What are my personal prerequisites for happiness? Not what the commercials or your friends are telling you. What is your soul telling you? Do you need more creativity, passion, fun? More time in nature? Less stress? Once you’ve started discovering what your needs are, check in with yourself often. Are your needs being met right now? If not, how can you make that happen?” ~Kaylee Rupp

6. Focus not just on your to-do list, but also a to-be list.

“Write a to-be list instead of a to-do list, for tomorrow. It may look something like this: Tomorrow I will be: mindful, aware, peaceful, a person who seeks reasons to smile and laugh, loving, appreciative, forgiving, thoughtful, supportive, still, quiet, faithful, honest, a person who simply wants to be. The quality of your life is determined by who you are, not by what you accomplish. We are, after all, human beings not human doings. Let’s base the value of our day on that small bit of wisdom and live accordingly. Just be.” ~Nancy Daley

7. Take breaks from the noise of the world.

“Give yourself permission to step away from the noise of the world. Specifically, you have permission to: Turn off the news, or reduce your intake. Reduce your time on social media if it stresses you out. Unfollow social media accounts that are too negative for you. Reduce your contact with negative individuals in your life by setting boundaries. Put yourself on time out if you need it. Take a mental health day. Say no to things you don’t want to do (even if you already said yes).” ~Kelly Ramsdell

8. Accept where you are.

“It’s okay to be right where you are. Sometimes we think we need to be making progress and moving forward, that we need to be a shining ray of light all the time. But the truth is, we need times when we’re pausing. Those times are often when we feel more lost and alone. We’re figuring things out, re-evaluating what we thought we wanted. It helps to let ourselves rest in the knowledge that this time is natural and normal, rather than tell ourselves we need to be making progress and moving forward.” ~ Lindsey Lewis

9. Recognize that it’s okay to not feel happy all the time.

“Without a doubt, the most important thing to remember is that it’s okay to feel overwhelmed and stressed out. It’s okay to feel lost and unsure. It’s alright to have no idea how you’re going to hold it together sometimes. We put so much pressure on ourselves to be happy all the time. It’s okay to acknowledge when times are tough. It’s alright to feel anxious, even if it’s uncomfortable.” ~Ilene S. Cohen

10. Keep things in perspective.

“Apply the asteroid scenario test. Simply put, if an asteroid hit Earth and life as we know it was about to end, you’d have a choice: Would you really spend your final days stressing and worrying about something you have absolutely no control over? Or would you be happy with your loved ones with whatever time you have left? Extreme situation, I know, but you need to decide and move forward. Learn to ascertain what you cannot control and acknowledge this with unwavering acceptance. Then focus on positive steps you can control instead.” ~Perry Manzano

—

Have anything to add to the list?

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal Tiny Buddha's Worry Journal, and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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A Natural Approach to Mental Health: How to Reduce Anxiety Through Gardening

“When the world feels like an emotional roller coaster, steady yourself with simple rituals. Do the dishes. Fold the laundry. Water the plants. Simplicity attracts wisdom.” ~Unknown

I’ve suffered from anxiety since my childhood, but it was only seven years ago that I was formally diagnosed.

My symptoms began to get worse after my long-term relationship ended and I felt like my world had collapsed around me.

I was suffering from extreme fatigue, having trouble concentrating, not sleeping well, and I was constantly worrying.

Over the next couple of years my mental health continued to deteriorate, and I had trouble finding the energy or motivation to get through the day.

Eventually, I quit my high-stress government job and moved back to my hometown to live with my elderly mother.

I was unemployed for the first time in my life, and I struggled to find a reason to get out of bed in the mornings.

I was prescribed medication for my anxiety, but I suffered from weight gain and other side effects from the treatment.

After seeing no improvement from the medication, I decided to try healing myself naturally.

I sought advice from a variety of different practitioners including a naturopath, herbalist, and kinesiologist, which helped a bit, but I was still worrying excessively, having negative thoughts and occasional panic attacks.

I’d read about the benefits of gardening for mental health, so one day I decided to tackle the overgrown mess in the corner of my mom’s backyard.

At first the task seemed overwhelming, but I spent about fifteen to twenty minutes each day digging up weeds, and after a week it was looking like a proper garden again.

I wasn’t an experienced gardener, so I did some research to find out which vegetables were the easiest to grow.

I settled on lettuce, tomatoes, cucumbers, and zucchinis and I bought the seedlings from my local nursery.

As well as the plants, I also installed a small bird bath so I could watch the birds while I was out in the garden.

I really enjoyed watching the birds splashing around, so my next project was to make a bird feeder so I could attract more birds to the yard.

Healing was a gradual process, and it took a few months before I noticed that my symptoms were improving.

I was feeling calmer and more centered, and I wasn’t worrying about every little thing.

The garden is now my sanctuary and the place where I feel the most peaceful.

Gardening has many physical and mental health benefits including:

Mindfulness

When I’m out in the garden my mind is fully focused on the task at hand, so I’m not stressing about things from the past or what’s going on in my life at the time.

I make an effort to appreciate and admire the beauty of the plants, and it’s really satisfying to watch them grow from tiny seedlings into mature plants.

As well as vegetables, I’m now also growing herbs and a variety of different flowers, which are great for attracting bees and butterflies to the garden.

Strength

When my anxiety was at its worst, I had no energy or motivation to exercise. Even just doing the bare minimum tasks like showering and cooking left me drained.

As I started spending more and more time in the garden, I noticed that my energy was improving and my body was getting stronger from all the bending, weeding, and digging I was doing.

Sunshine

Being out in the beautiful sunshine lifts my mood and it’s a great source of vitamin D, which can help to reduce the symptoms of anxiety and depression, while also boosting the immune system.

Nutrition

Being able to harvest beautiful fresh herbs and vegetables from my garden inspired me to try new, healthier recipes so I was eating better than I had in years.

The crisp lettuce and juicy tomatoes straight from the garden were so much more flavorful than anything I’d tasted from the grocery store, and I’m sure they were much more nutritious as well.

If you have the space in your backyard to create a little garden, I’d definitely recommend giving it a try.

What if you don’t have a garden?

Try container gardening.

There are many different vegetables that can be grown in containers including radishes, peppers, lettuce, spinach, and other salad greens.

Get some indoor plants.

Indoor plants are great for bringing a touch of nature indoors, and there are lots of compact plants that are ideal for apartments like succulents, air plants, or African violets.

If you have more space, you could try a peace lily, rubber plant, or prayer plant.

Create a windowsill garden.

If you have a nice, sunny windowsill you could start a small herb garden with parsley, chives, and thyme.

Herbs are fast growing, easy to care for and great for adding flavor to your meals.

Join a community garden.

Community gardens are popping up all over the place in cities around the country, and they’re great for meeting likeminded people who can share their gardening experience with you.

Spend time in nature.

If you’re not a green thumb you can still get the benefits of plants by getting out in nature.

Try going for a hike if you have trails nearby, take a walk around your local park, visit a botanical garden or read a book underneath a tree.

Next time you feel stressed or anxious, try surrounding yourself with plants and see if it helps you to feel calmer.

Whether it’s caring for a small house plant, creating a garden of your own, or simply spending more time in nature, your mental health will benefit from having plants around you.

I hope this has inspired you to give gardening a try!

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About Kelly Taylor

Kelly Taylor is the founder of Urban Garden Gal, a website for beginner gardeners, specializing in small space gardening. She also runs Water Garden Advice where she shares her tips for creating and maintaining garden ponds.

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No One Starts Off at Their Best – Why We Need to Keep Going Anyway

“Others have seen what is and asked why. I have seen what could be and asked why not.” ~Pablo Picasso

This article is about the day I realized Picasso wasn’t born Picasso.

If you’re already opening Google to find what his name was at birth, I’ll save you the typing and tell you here…

He was born Pablo Ruiz Picasso. (His baptized name is wayyyy longer, but you get the point.)

Okay, so he was always a Picasso.

But he wasn’t always the Picasso.

Let me explain by rewinding a few years back…

I was in Spain for one of my best friend’s weddings, and I decided to spend an extra couple of weeks exploring the country.

Of course, exploring the narrow winding streets and cultural history of Barcelona was high on my priority list (as well as eating endless tapas and indulging in delicious goblets of the most refreshing gin drinks to ever hit my lips haha).

So many of the Great Creatives originated from Spain or left their mark in this beautifully complex country in one way or another.

Put simply, I was in Heaven.

I still remember the day I stepped foot in the Picasso Museum. With much anticipation I made my way up the stairs, one step at a time, until I was finally beginning my stroll down Picasso Memory Lane.

Let me tell you… It was NOT what I was expecting.

Confusion hit me first.

“Wait, what? THIS is Picasso? Am I in the wrong place? Am I supposed to think these are incredible works of art?”

Along with confusion, I was questioning my previous knowledge and what I thought I knew of this famous artist.

I’m no art buff, but I’d like to think I know a thing or two about a thing or two.

I weaved in and out of many more rooms, continuing to feel confused, kind of let down, and like there might be something wrong with me and my memory.

I walked into the next room, almost feeling bored but trying to put on a super interested face by slightly tilting my head and nodding slowly as I took everything in.

Then BOOM.

There it was.

The classic Picasso style we all know. The famous cube-like strokes and surrealistic images he was known for.

I remember standing there in complete awe. It was a jaw-dropping moment for me, but it wasn’t because of the famous art I was staring at.

It was because of all the not-so-famous art I had wandered past to get here.

That’s when it hit me.

PICASSO wasn’t born Picasso.

He didn’t come out of the womb a world-famous painter, forging the way into a new era of art. He worked for it. Every. Single. Day.

He was dedicated to his art.

He was dedicated to the process, to the doing, to the journey of becoming the artist we all know today.

In that instant, my perspective on the previous rooms and walls of art suddenly changed. I now saw those previous works of art as badges of honor. Of hours upon hours of self-exploration… Learning new techniques, putting images to thoughts, feelings, experiences, and words.

Those paintings were a testament to his will and dedication not only to his art, but to himself.

He didn’t give up just because he wasn’t acknowledged or celebrated right away.

In fact, there were almost as many years of his work not being put on a pedestal as there were of his glory years.

As a self-proclaimed perfectionist who has been afraid of “getting it wrong” or not being “good enough,” I’m letting go of the need to get it right.

Yup, I’m doing it right now as I type. Eeks!

This is a pivotal moment for me.

I’ve realized I’ll never have the opportunity to “get it right” if I’m not willing to be okay with “getting it wrong.”

And let’s be honest, the whole concept of “getting it right” is something that we all need to throw out the door ASAP.

Let the “getting it wrong” begin and cheers to all of the ugly badges of honor I’ll create along the way.

I’m realizing more than ever that like art, the exploration of self and quite simply, just living our lives, should be focused on what fuels our souls, what makes our heart sing, what makes us feel good, what makes us glow from the inside out—not how we’ll be received.

Focusing on what feels good and true for us should be our number one priority.

Of course, life comes with challenges, and there will always be tough times we need to wade through, but just imagine how much easier it would be to move through these times if we stayed committed to doing what brings us joy while we figure out the rest?

This is what I think Picasso did.

No matter what he was experiencing, he took paint to brush and brush to paper. It was his exploration, his self-expression, his therapy.

He was the painter of his life, and he never stopped painting.

I’m moving forward with a re-ignited, deepened knowing that while I may not be a painter, I am still the painter or rather, the creator, of my life.

I get to paint the next picture, and there’s something very liberating and exciting about this.

So, my question to you is simple….

What’s the next picture you want to paint? And what would you try if you stopped worrying about doing your best work and simply followed your heart

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About Leanne Kallal

Leanne Kallal is a free-spirited, adventure-loving, empathic, creative, and innovative (old) soul. She’s also the Host of The GlowJo Podcast, a consultant, and coach. The GlowJo was born out of the desire to provide a fresh perspective on what it means to live your best life. It's a place to discover new ideas and tools to help you find alignment, joy, and fulfillment in everything you do! You can join her newsletter, The Weekly Glow, at www.theglowjo.com.

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The Benefits of Solitude and How to Get the Most from Your Alone Time

“Understand that healing and growing can distance you from people who you once had a bond with, and it can also bring you closer to those who will heal and grow with you. The time in between can be difficult, but there is so much to learn in solitude.” ~ @themoontarot

There have been many occasions in my life where I’ve felt lonely. Some of these times I remember as incredibly painful; other times, I’ve relished in my solitude.

During some periods, I’ve even forced myself into seclusion, which comes easily to me as an introvert.

One thing all of these solo experiences have taught me is that it’s okay to be alone. In fact, with solitude, there’s a lot of self-growth to be had.

In today’s day and age, we’re expected to be social creatures. With the rise of instant messaging and social media, it’s easy (and addicting) to stay connected all the time.

This doesn’t mean it’s healthy, though. In fact, I’ve come to realize that solitude can be incredibly rewarding in a vast number of ways.

The Benefits of Solitude

Many nights of solitude have brought me epiphany moments. Ones where I have figured out what I actually want to do with my life. Ones where I’ve realized my spiritual path, and ones that have fueled new, exciting creative ideas.

Many authors, artists, musicians, and philosophers have attributed their best work to time spent in solitude. As Aldous Huxley once said, “The more powerful and original a mind, the more it will incline towards the religion of solitude.”

We need time alone because…

1. We can gain a deeper sense of self-knowledge when we are alone and can see what is important for us as well as what we need.
2. We are better able to acknowledge our feelings and deep desires when nothing external, such as other people’s thoughts, perceptions, or expectations, stands in our way.
3. We get space to quietly reflect and reassess, asking ourselves the questions that truly matter.
4. We recuperate and recharge (especially necessary for introverts) when alone, which allows us to be more present with others when socializing.
5. We can tap into our intuition and learn to trust ourselves and our decision-making.

By no means am I encouraging isolation. It’s not healthy to spend all our time alone.

However, I do want to challenge those feelings of discomfort that often arise when thinking of solitude.

Why Are So Many People Fearful of Solitude?

There’s no denying that for some, the idea of spending a day alone, without interaction, isn’t appealing whatsoever. Why is this?

Being busy, out and about with others, is a good distraction technique. When we’re surrounded by people, engaged in activity, we don’t face to face ourselves or our feelings.

Are you the type of person who has to be on the phone with others when walking to the store? Or, perhaps you feel a strong sense of disconnection after a few hours of no in-person interaction. Either way, you’re not alone.

Many people fear solitude because it’s unfamiliar. We don’t know what will happen when we finally face ourselves and are left alone with our thoughts and feelings, so we avoid it. But when we avoid being alone, we miss out on all the growth, healing, and creative inspiration that solitude can facilitate.

So, how do we move away from a place of fear when thinking about solitude to embracing its possibilities?

My Own Experience of Solitude

As a child, I was often content spending time alone drawing, writing, reading, and exploring the great outdoors.

During my school years I leaned into spending time with others, growing neglectful of my time with myself. The pressures of friendship groups, being sociable, and even ‘normal’ all took over my love for being alone.

By the time I’d graduated from university and stepped into the working world, I was so accustomed to spending time surrounded by people, I barely knew who I was anymore.

Coupled with confusion surrounding my career, a few failed relationships, and trauma from my childhood, I found myself in my mid-twenties reaching a pit of despair.

Following a messy breakup after a toxic relationship, living back at my parents’ house with no money, no job, and no self-love, I was forced into solitude.

I found myself alone in one of the darkest periods of my life, and it led to what I believed at the time to be an inescapable depression.

Each morning I’d wake up and lock myself away in my parents’ spare bedroom. I had few friends in town since I’d previously moved away to London, and I didn’t reach out to those I was still connected with because I was afraid they’d judge me.

It was just me and my cat spending hours alone in a small, dark bedroom. I cried a lot and I continually isolated myself. I hated the feeling of being alone, but in hindsight I needed solitude.

I was about to discover something magical—my inner strength and an infinite love of the universe

What Solitude Brought into My Life

My story of the most profound period of solitude in my life isn’t a necessarily pleasant one, but I now recognize it as a turning point in my life.

When my depression hit rock bottom and I was feeling suicidal, I was overwhelmed with this inner strength that seemed to come from nowhere. It urged me to listen to what solitude was trying to teach me and helped me reconnect with my true self.

I had a new determination to pull myself out of my current state of despair and step into new territory. Unbeknown to me, I was about to enhance my spiritual journey and discover peace.

It was during a meditation session one night that I felt a warmth and deep love within me. I knew that there was a way out of my sadness, that being alone had the potential to teach me more than any book could.

In the days following my realization and connection with a power I still can’t describe to this day, I gained the courage to step outside the house.

I started noticing things around me on my solo walks like the vividness of nature’s colors, the soothing sounds of the river, and the tangible beauty everywhere around me.

I also noticed for the first time that everything is connected. All that is in the universe, is the universe itself.

How to Embrace Solitude

Even if you live with family, a partner, or roommates, there is always an opportunity to implement some intentional alone time.

For the most experienced spiritual folk, silence and solitude go hand in hand. However, for the sake of accustoming yourself to the intentional practice of solitude, you can start with the basics.

Here are three practices that can heighten your alone time:

1. Meditation

Meditating in solitude can be an extraordinary experience. It enhances your ability to be present as you focus on just being.

Sitting in silence and stillness can also decrease your stress, boost your mental health, increase your self-awareness, help you foster self-acceptance, and deepen your self-compassion.

For me, meditation has been an ongoing practice, though not always consistent, that has brought about a deeper connection with myself and the universe.

2. Journaling

Daily writing is a wonderful practice to enhance your solitude. Writing leads to self-awareness and personal insight and facilitates creativity because inspiration often arises during quiet moments of reflection.

Writing allows you to listen to the quiet voice inside your head, and it encourages you to ask yourself questions about what you truly want.

Journaling continues to be one of the biggest tools I use in my moments of solitude. I gain creative insights and feel attuned to my emotions thanks to penning my journal each day.

3. Connect with nature

Taking a meditative walk in nature is soothing for the soul and a guaranteed way to perk up our mood.

It may also lead to a greater sense of spiritual connection as you consider the larger, powerful natural force behind everything within the universe.

A lot of my inner happiness is dependent on the time I spend outdoors alone. I find I’m at my most peaceful when walking in the woods or by the sea.

—

However you choose to practice solitude, I encourage you to do the following.

1. Get rid of distractions

When you choose to spend time alone, really commit to your solitude. It’s tempting to grab your phone and mindlessly scroll social media or watch a YouTube video, but be disciplined and keep distractions at bay.

Your time in solitude won’t be valuable if you’re just distracting yourself. Instead, lean into spending time on your own and what the space can teach you.

2. Make it a priority.

Everyone has the time to dedicate to themselves. Even if it feels uncomfortable, or you feel strange rejecting a social invitation, don’t make excuses to avoid being with yourself.

The more comfortable you get with spending time alone doing things you love and reconnecting with yourself, the more connected you’ll feel to others. Self-love comes from solitude and with this love, you can give more to those you want to share it with.

I Challenge You to Spend Time Alone Intentionally

It probably won’t feel great the first time, and you’re likely to look for a way out of it, but spending time alone is one of the greatest gifts you can give yourself.

There is so much self-growth to be had when you spend time nourishing the relationship you have with yourself.

I’m sending you the warmest wishes and all the good vibes as you embark upon spending (and loving) your time in solitude.

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About Evie Graham

Evie Graham is dedicated to her own self-growth journey and loves using her words to inspire. Practicing both visual arts and written art, she’s dedicated to connecting with others and helping people realize their own potential. Creativity flows through just about everything she does—including the quirky and unique!

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How to Better Manage Stress So Little Things Don’t Set You Off

“It’s not stress that kills us, it’s our reaction to it.” ~Hans Selye

I was driving home from work, minding my own business, when a car cut in front of me.

Pretty common in Sydney traffic, right? Normally, I would just brush it off.

But not today. For some reason I couldn’t explain, that simple event set me off. I got so irritated that I pressed both my hands on the horn and started shouting at the other driver—who just gave me the finger and continued on his merry way.

That’s when I lost it. How dare he do something like this?

I was determined to get even. To teach him a lesson.

I was so immersed in rage that I almost caused an accident just to prove a point.

Not my proudest moment, I know.

Have you ever been through something like this? Something trivial suddenly escalating to a new level of crazy?

Well, the other day I witnessed my neighbor screaming from his balcony at a dude passing by, just because he had gangster rap blasting out of a speaker. Okay, I can understand that you don’t agree with his musical preferences, but is this a reason to pick a fight with a stranger?

Or, one Christmas Eve at a crowded parking lot of the local supermarket, I had a lady lash out at me for touching her car door with mine, when I was trying to hop in while holding a couple of grocery bags. I had to use all my self-control not to jump down her throat.

I guess this sort of things happen to all of us. You know, you lose your cool and end up shouting at your kids in the food court of the shopping center. Or, you snap at your partner for loading the dishwasher the “wrong way.”

It is as if we all have a Mr. Hyde waiting to come out.

But why does this happen? And most importantly, how can we control the impulse to kill someone?

The thing is that the “event” in itself is never the root cause of a rage fit. It is just the last drop on a very full cup.

For instance, the day of my road rage episode, I was going home from a day that didn’t go as planned. While driving, I was ruminating on the things that didn’t work and I was already on edge.

So, when the other driver cut me off, it just unleashed something that was already in the making. And if it wasn’t this event, it would have been something else.

I was simply stressed out and unable to be my best self.

And you know what? All of us are continually exposed to stressors. From our worries and anxieties, relationship conflicts, existential crises, and poor lifestyle choices to background noises, overstimulation, and information overload.

Which means that our cups are constantly full. And if we don’t deal with it, we’ll always be one drop away from overflow.

But is it realistic to think that you can completely eliminate stress from your life?

Heck no. This type of expectation would only create more stress. You’d be stressing about not getting stressed.

So what can we actually do to live better?

Well, you have two options: you can empty your cup on regular basis, or you can upgrade your cup size (if you work on both, even better).

Emptying your cup is what is known as stress-relief strategies. Those are the things you do on regular basis to blow off steam, like going for a jog or taking a bubble bath.

These activities help you take your mind off your problems, creating space for your body to calm down. During this time, your body shifts from “fight or flight” to “rest and digest” mode, which is necessary to replenish your energy and recover from stress.

But the key word here is REGULAR.

Because these strategies are not likely to work when you are already bursting at the seams (you know what I mean if you ever tried meditating when you had a lot in your mind).

Nope. They need to be part of your daily self-care routine. My suggestion is to create the habit of blocking off space in your calendar for a little “me time.”

I know what you’re thinking. “Are you kidding? I don’t have time for that.”

Seriously, self-care is not a luxury. It is a necessity. For your sanity, and the safety of others around you.

Now, there will be times in which you may not be able to relax even after a whole hour of deep tissue massage. Those are the times you get restless, lose sleep, and can’t function properly. That’s why you need to build a bigger cup (or a bucket) so that you’re better able to tolerate potential stressors.

Upgrading your cup simply means investing time in building mindset skills. Skills to help you manage stress, deal better with adversity, and become a problem solver. As a result, you’ll be able to take more on without going cuckoo.

It’s like developing a superpower.

How? Here’s a little framework that can help you respond more wisely to stressful situations and minimize unnecessary stress.

1. Becoming aware

Awareness means noticing (without judgment) what is going on in your mind and body. It’s learning to identify emotions and feelings, thought patterns, and responses (how you react when something happens).

This way you’ll be able to discover what sets you off and put a stop on knee-jerk reactions that you may have on autopilot.

For instance, noticing that you get irritated when you feel disrespected, which leads to an acid remark from your part. Awareness gives you the opportunity to pause and choose a better way to respond.

2. Practicing mental hygiene

Mental hygiene means going through our mental rules and deciding on what is useful and what only causes us stress.

The mind creates mental rules based on array of past experiences. The thing is that these mental rules end up defining how you’ll respond to an event in the future. That’s how we get stuck in vicious cycles.

We create rules about how things “should” be done, how people “should” act, how they “should” respond in certain situations, how the world “should” work… With so many ideas of how things should be, we end up living in defense mode, constantly fighting against everything our mind judges as “wrong.”

To move on, you’ll need to learn to let go.

For example, I made a rule in my head that said that things needed to be neat all the time after growing up with a neat father. This was totally fine while I lived on my own. But when I moved in with my partner, it became a constant source of attrition. My Mr. Hyde often came out when my partner’s behaviors went against my internal rules. So, I decided to let go of this rule in order to have a peaceful home life.

3. Rewriting the rules

The truth is that all beliefs serve a purpose. They are the code of conduct that guides our behaviors. So when we decide to get rid of a rule, we need to make sure that the unconscious need behind is being met in another way.

For instance, to be able to let go of the rule I mentioned above, I had to ask myself why it was so important to have things organized. With a little bit of soul searching, I came to realize that when my environment was neat and orderly, I could process thoughts and emotions more efficiently, which meant that I felt more in control of my life. This helped me put things into perspective and develop new guidelines.

Now, I allow myself to make things neat, but I don’t obsess about it anymore. That means that I don’t get upset when my husband leaves a dirty sock here and there. I just remind myself that having a peaceful environment is more important. And I developed other ways to feel in control of my mind and body like adopting a meditation practice and building an exercise routine.

So now I ask you, how full is your cup? And most importantly, what can you do to prevent spillage?

If this’s all very new to you, you could start by creating a self-care routine that helps you empty your cup on regular basis. And if you already have one, then work on upgrading your cup. This way you’ll be less likely to explode over little things.

Oh, and don’t get put off if you have slip-ups. Keep in mind that stress management is a skill that gets better (and easier) with practice.

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About Carla Torres

Carla Torres is a mind-body coach with over twelve years of experience in the health and fitness industry. She is the founder of Bodypeptalk and has developed an unique systematic approach to help people make sustainable lifestyle changes so they can become healthier, happier and more confident in their own skin.

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Choose Joy and You’ll See the World with a Brighter Perspective

“We cannot cure the world of sorrows, but we can choose to live in joy.” ~Joseph Campbell

It’s been just under five years now since I had a head injury that changed my life forever.

Unfortunately, I spent more than two years going to multiple kinds of therapy and doctors several days a week and ultimately had to stop working. I was devastated.

I loved my career as a special educator and school administrator. I’d been in classrooms since I was twenty years old, and here I was at fifty-seven, suddenly unable to return to a school in any capacity because of a head injury.

The first two years, when I wasn’t being transported to therapies and doctors, I was mostly in bed or on the sofa.

To be honest, it wasn’t just because I was physically hurting so bad—it was because I was emotionally hurting, too.

I have had a headache every day since that horrible day almost five years ago when the head injury occurred. I have problems with dizziness, vertigo, fatigue, and sleep.

A neuropsychologist diagnosed me with executive functioning, processing, memory, and recall delays.

But even these problems were not as bad as the emotional anguish, and the hurt in my soul, once I realized I would never be able to go into a classroom again.

And sadly, I learned the hard way.

It was the first Grandparents’ Day at my grandson’s school after my head injury. My husband took off work and picked me up from home, dropped me off at the school doors, parked the car, and then escorted me to our grandson’s classroom.

I always loved Grandparents’ Day at schools where I worked, as well as at our grandchildren’s schools. I loved greeting the grandparents when they arrived at my schools; some of my most treasured moments were when students would introduce me to their grandparents.

We always made a big deal out of Grandparent’s Day with our own grandchildren, and I was thrilled to be attending this year because it was one of my first ventures out of the house for anything other than medical appointments.

I continued to have balance problems, anxiety, panic attacks, vision issues, headaches, and other symptoms from post concussive syndrome and post traumatic stress disorder.

But my husband was my best support person, so I thought I’d be okay for this outing.

Until I found myself backed into the corner of a crowded classroom with dozens of grandparents and students, and no way to get out.  And I had a full-blown panic attack.

Difficulty breathing, sweating, shaking—and near syncope.

My husband excused us quickly and escorted me through the crowd and out of the classroom immediately.

I was unable to stay.

I was devastated.

The next time it happened, I was attending a basketball game at our granddaughters’ school where they were cheerleading and dancing.

I thought I could handle the crowds until suddenly the stands started filling up around me and another panic attack left me sweating, shaking, and having trouble breathing.

Again, my husband escorted me through the crowd and out the building—unable to stay.

As the appointments became fewer and farther between over time, and the doctors claimed I was improving, I continued my counseling appointments for PTSD.

I was becoming much better at using coping skills we had practiced weekly for more than two years. But I still struggled.

I was now doing my physical therapy and vision therapy at home, so I didn’t go to those appointments anymore. I wasn’t seeing the specialists or doctors as often as before.

I was seeing my counselor remotely because of the pandemic, so I didn’t even get out of the house for that weekly appointment.

Around the two-year mark, I knew something had to change. The joy in my heart and soul had suffered long enough. In fact, it was probably lost for a while. I needed to find it again.

I was living half of a life. My career was over because of the head injury, and I was going to retire. My social life was stagnant because I couldn’t drive or be in large crowds.

But I knew my life was not over and I had much to live for.

I made the conscious decision to crawl out from under my rock! I was done living a life of seclusion and self-pity without joy in my heart and soul.

I knew I had to find, and choose joy, from here forward. I was going to work hard on changing my mindset and not allowing what happened to me to control my life.

As I was coming out from under my rock, friends and family noticed a change. I would explain that I was taking back my life and choosing joy again. People were super proud of me. In fact, I was proud of me.

But I sometimes discovered that the concept of choosing joy didn’t always resonate with people. They didn’t seem to have the spiritual foundation necessary to understand what I meant.

So, I started explaining exactly what I was doing—choosing joy as a lifestyle. I shifted my attention and mindset from what had happened to me to all the wonderful things around me—flowers, animals, music, sunshine, and smiles.

I practiced compartmentalizing like I had done as a school administrator. I used strategies from my counselor to help me put what happened behind me. I had to focus on positive things rather than negative things.

I made it a point to laugh more—watching more comedies and scheduling time with fun people. It took a lot for me to ask friends or family to drive because I was always the driver – but I did it.

I even laughed about the mess my house had become during my down time and decided to just pronounce “Bless this mess!”

Little by little, I worked on cleaning the house and getting organized again. Fortunately, my husband was very patient and understanding during those difficult times. Clothes piled up, bills piled up, and mess piled up.

I focused on an attitude of gratitude and controlling what I could control—my attitude, my words, my behavior, and my responses to life. I also accepted my imperfections rather than beat myself up for not being perfect (or being able to work anymore).

The more I talked about choosing joy, the more empowered I felt to take back my life. And I could see and feel more joy around me every day.

I spent time outside and spent quality time with my family (and my cats). I planned family get-togethers again and learned to live with my headaches and panic attacks.

I accepted that IT’S OKAY TO NOT BE OKAY.  If I had to cancel something because I was having a bad day, the world would not fall apart. I accepted this fact. And so did my family and friends.

My whole life shifted.

My mindset shifted.

And I felt the joy return to my heart and soul.

I have now been able to see the value of being retired and love it! I have started making jewelry again.  My house is cleaner and more organized than it’s been in twenty years. And I am more functional than I’ve been since the head injury.

Not because I’m all better but because I have a better mindset. I am choosing joy and it changes everything!

Some days are better than others.

It’s still like that.

Almost five years later.

But I no longer live under a rock—or in bed under my covers!

I’ve learned through it all that choosing joy is a lifestyle concept. And I’ve been living it as I recover from my head injury and take back my life.

I’ve become empowered and confident again because I control how I see the world.

Joy is a lens through which you see the world. Choose joy and you will see the world from a new perspective.

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About Susan Ballinger

Sassy Sister Stuff is a place for awesome women who are actively seeking to redefine their personal growth, wellness, adventures, happiness, self-love and self-care, mindset, entrepreneurship, plus so much more—at any age or stage of life. Founded by Susan Ballinger in 2020, Sassy Sister Stuff contains a wealth of information about managing life and taking good care of yourself. As an Exceptional Needs Specialist, Susan is committed to making her website accessible to ALL.

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How to Overcome Ultra-Independence and Receive Love and Support

“Ultra independence is a coping mechanism we develop when we’ve learned it’s not safe to trust love or when we are terrified to lose ourselves in another. We aren’t meant to go it alone. We are wounded in relationship and we heal in relationship.” ~Rising Woman

Do you feel like you have to do everything on your own?

Is it difficult for you to ask for and receive help in fear of being let down?

Have you ever heard the expression “Ultra-independence may be a trauma response?”

If this is you, I get it; that was me too.

Please know there isn’t anything wrong with you. I lived most of my life this way. This way of being was a survival strategy that kept me safe, but it was also very lonely. I lived in a constant state of anxiety, and it wore me out physically because I thought I had to do everything myself.

We often become ultra-independent because we don’t trust others and/or we may not feel worthy of being loved and supported. Or, we may believe that by denying support from others and doing things ourselves we’ll gain love and acceptance, because we’re not being a burden.

Maintaining connections and receiving support from others are basic human needs. If we’re saying we don’t need anybody, that’s often coming from a part of ourselves that wants to protect us from hurt, abuse, criticism, disappointment, or rejection.

If we even consider the possibility of wanting, needing, and/or receiving support from other people, something in us may say, “No way, it’s not safe,” so we keep these thoughts at bay.

We may think that if we ask for anything then we’re weak or being too needy, and that’s codependency. But we’re not meant to do everything on our own; there is such a thing as healthy codependency.

Ultra-independence may also be an extreme unspoken boundary, so, what may be important is to learn how to set healthy boundaries so we can feel safe in situations where we thought we’d lose ourselves.

Sometimes we feel the need to be ultra-independent because we don’t feel safe being vulnerable and letting people in, because if we do, they may see our flaws and insecurities, or they may trigger our unresolved traumas and wounds.

We may be carrying deep shame, and we don’t want to feel it or have others see it, so we stay away from connecting with and receiving support from other human beings.

One of the hardest things to fathom is that, although we’ve been hurt in relationships, in supportive relationships we can experience healing and a sense of safety. 

That didn’t make sense to me, because in my relationships I often experienced criticism, hurt, rejection, and being screamed at for having natural human feelings and needs.

A part of me wanted support and connections, but another part of me was afraid, because as a child it made my father angry when I asked  for anything. It was hard living in a world where I felt all alone, believing I had to do everything on my own while watching everyone else receive support and connect with their family and friends.

For me, being ultra-independent eventually led to denying and suppressing my needs and feelings because it got too overwhelming to try to do everything on my own, especially at such a young age.

At age fifteen I became anorexic, and I struggled with depression, anxiety, and self-harm for over twenty-three years.

In the midst of that, at age twenty, I let my guard down and got a boyfriend, who I thought loved me because he bought me anything I wanted, but there were strings attached. If I didn’t do what he wanted he would take back the gifts. He became obsessed with me, waited outside of my house when I wouldn’t talk to him, and would draw me in again with gifts and words of seduction.

This left me confused. “Do I only receive support and things when I’m a slave to somebody?” I wondered. After I finally broke up with him, I made a vow to myself that I would never receive anything from anyone again. 

I got the opportunity to heal that vow later in my life when I went to Palm Springs with a friend. We were playing the slot machines and he put in $20. I told him “It’s your money if we win.” We won $200 on the first spin, and he told me, “Cash out, you won.”

When I cashed out, I chased him around the casino, trying to put the money in his pocket. I didn’t want to receive from him because I thought, “Then I owe him, and he owns me.”

Thankfully, he’s someone I can share anything with, and we talked about it. He told me he knew my struggle, that he didn’t want anything in return, and that it makes him happy to give to his friends and family. This experience helped me see things differently.

My healing journey really began at age forty when I started learning how to reconnect with myself, my needs, and my feelings and started healing the trauma I was carrying. I also learned how to ask for support, which wasn’t easy at the beginning; some people got mad at me, and some people were happy to fulfill my requests and needs.

Instead of blaming and shaming myself for believing I had to do everything on my own, I made peace with the part of me that felt it didn’t need anybody. By listening to its fears I started understanding why it thought I needed protecting.

It revealed to me the pain it felt of being rejected, hurt, and screamed at for having human feelings and needs, and that it didn’t want to experience that pain again.

As I listened to this part of myself with compassion, I acknowledged and validated the fear and pain it experienced, thanked it for doing what it was doing, and let it know it was now loved and safe.

I asked it what it really wanted, and it said, “I want to have true connections. I want to feel safe with and receive support from others, but I’m afraid.”

This younger part of me was stuck in perspective from my childhood wounding and the experience with the guy I was dating. By giving this part of me a chance to speak and tell me its intentions, I was able to help it/me have a new understanding and feel loved and safe.

I also began to have a more realistic view of who and who isn’t safe, instead of seeing no one as safe based on outdated neuro programming stemming from my past traumas, hurts, and pains.

Being ultra-independent did help me heal from all those years of struggling with anorexia, depression, and anxiety. Even after twenty-three years of going in and out of hospitals and treatment centers and doing traditional therapy and nothing working, I finally took my healing into my own hands, and yes, I did most of it on my own.

However, even doing it on my own, I found it was also helpful to be in a loving and supportive environment with people who didn’t try to fix, control, or save me.

We’re not meant to be or do life alone, but being alone can be comforting if we fear being hurt by others. 

This doesn’t mean we should force ourselves to ask for and receive support from others, especially if we’re afraid; it means we need to create a loving and caring relationship with ourselves and understand where the need to be ultra-independent is coming from as a first step toward letting people in.

A great question to ask yourself is “Why is it not okay for me to receive support?” Be with that part of you, allow it to show you what it believes, and take time to listen with compassion. Then ask it what it really wants and needs.

Receiving support isn’t about being totally dependent on others, that’s just a set up for frustration and disappointment; it’s also important to learn how to be independent and meet our needs. This isn’t either/or, it’s both.

Learning how to connect with our feelings and needs and how to communicate them and make requests is also important.

For instance, if you’re going through a challenge and you would like support from someone, you can say, “I’m having a hard time right now, and I would really like someone who I can talk to, someone who will just listen without trying to change me or my situation. Is that something you would be willing to do?”

If this feels impossible for you, it might help to repeat some affirmations related to letting people in and receiving support. If some of these don’t resonate yet, instead of using “I am” start with “I like the idea of…”

I am worthy of being supported and loved.

I am worthy of having heartfelt connections.

It’s safe for me to have this experience.

I am worthy of being seen, heard, and accepted,

I am worthy of being loved and cared for by myself and others.

I am worthy of shining authentically,

I am worthy of receiving help and support.

There isn’t anything you need to earn or prove. You are worthy because you are beautiful and amazing you.

—

If you’re shutting people out because or your past traumas, as I once did, know that you don’t need to do everything on your own just because you were hurt in the past. Some people may let you down, but there are plenty of good people out there who want to love and support you—you just have to let them in.

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About Debra Mittler

Debra Mittler is a warm and compassionate healer with a unique ability to touch people’s hearts and souls. She enjoys assisting others in loving and accepting themselves unconditionally, feeling at peace in their body, and living authentically. Debra is a leading authority in overcoming obstacles and supports her clients by holding a space of unconditional love and offering encouragement, effective tools, and valuable insights allowing them to experience and listen to their own inner wisdom.

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BetterHelp: The World’s Largest Online Therapy Platform

**Though this is a sponsored post, you can trust I only recommend products and services I personally love!

If you’re like most people, you’re probably starting to consider the goals and dreams you’d like to pursue in the New Year.

Maybe you’re visualizing the person you want to be, reflecting on what you hope to accomplish, and strategizing about everything you need to do (and stop doing) to finally feel happy with your life.

Most of us spend our lives chasing happiness, checking accomplishments and milestones off a life to-do list, as if each pen stroke brings us one step closer to bliss. Except that’s not how it works.

And that’s why most of us never find that elusive happiness we’re all seeking: We focus on all the things we think we need to acquire or achieve instead of looking within and figuring out what’s really holding us back. The unresolved traumas, the core wounds, the limiting beliefs—all the mental and emotional hurdles that keep us down and stuck.

It’s easier to focus on externals, but addressing the internal doesn’t have to be so hard if we get the right help and support.

For me, it all started with therapy. I’m pretty sure I wouldn’t be here today if not for the healing and insight I gained through years of inner work on a therapist’s couch. I’d probably still be bulimic, depressed, and driven by self-loathing, if I was even here at all.

Fortunately, a lot has changed since then, and you don’t even need to leave your house to overcome your demons, break through your patterns, and free yourself from bad habits.

If you’d like to make 2022 the year you finally get out of your own way, I highly recommend BetterHelp, the world’s largest online therapy platform.

What Is BetterHelp?

BetterHelp can assess your needs and match you with your own licensed professional therapist in under forty-eight hours. This isn’t a crisis line. It’s not self-help. It’s professional therapy, done securely online.

The service is available worldwide, which means you may be able to find a therapist who deals with issues local professionals aren’t trained to address,

It’s more affordable than traditional therapy, and financial aid is available for those who need it.

How Does BetterHelp Work?

After you’re matched with a therapist, you’ll be able to schedule weekly video or phone sessions, and you can also log into your account any time to send a message to your therapist.

You can count on timely and thoughtful feedback whenever you reach out. But if ever you feel your therapist isn’t a good match, no worries—BetterHelp makes it easy and free to change therapists.

Why Choose BetterHelp?

Though I haven’t personally utilized BetterHelp, I feel confident introducing this service to you because I know how many people it’s helped. You can visit their site and you’ll find new testimonials added daily. Some recent ones include:

I have been talking to Kamara to help me with my anxiety and depression over certain life events, since June of this year 2021. I find Kamara very attentive, intuitive, empathetic, and understanding. She is enabling me to think about my challenges in a way that is constructive and helpful in my healing journey. She gently encourages self-examination in a safe, caring way and allows self-expression without interruption, offering encouragement when needed. I would wholeheartedly recommend Kamara Marsh as a dedicated, knowledgeable, and effective therapist.

—

Melanie is extremely patient, and kind. She listens and empathizes with your concerns and gets you to confront your fears and worries whilst supporting you. She gives you the tools and the cues to work through your anxieties, and works with you to develop a deeper understanding into yourself. I have only had a few sessions with Melanie, but I am going to continue with her as I have faith in her practice.

—

Many people think therapists offer advice and solutions to help them achieve their goals and overcome their problems. They imagine the right therapist will have all the answers to fix what isn’t working in their life. But that’s not what therapy is.

A qualified therapist helps you dig deeper and see clearer so you can better understand yourself and find your own answers. When you find your own answers, little can stop you, because you will have discovered not what’s right, but what’s right for you personally. And you’ll gain the skills needed to do it again and again, as you navigate life’s inevitable setbacks and challenges.

If you’re ready to take charge of your mental health and make meaningful change in your life, visit BetterHelp to get matched with a professional therapist—and as a Tiny Buddha reader, you’ll get 20 percent off your first month.

I hope you get the help you need to start creating your own roadmap to happiness!

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About Lori Deschene

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10 Easy Responses to Use When People Ask Why You Aren’t Drinking

Embracing the holiday season can sometimes mean embracing alcohol with gusto… or not. Fortunately for those who choose the former, “Dry January” has caught on over the years and it’s a fantastic concept. Going through a refresh is a perfect way to rid the toxins and melt the bloat away.

I’d like to throw out a radical idea, or should I say a radical self-care opportunity!

How would your holidays feel without alcohol?

You might gasp looking for a chair to sit down as you frantically wonder how on earth you would get through the parties, relatives, house guests, and cooking without the comfort of your old friend Chardonnay or Mr. P (Pinot Noir!)

Before you race to the fridge confirming you have enough Prosecco from the stress of the idea I just offered up, please stay with me! I’d like you to try an exercise my community members often call their favorite strategy in tweaking their relationship with alcohol.

Imagine it’s Christmas Eve. What if you decided not to drink?

How would you feel going to bed knowing you wouldn’t be waking up at 2am for water and aspirin?

Would it feel inspiring to know the next morning would be one where perhaps you might see the sunrise or get up before everyone else to read or bake cinnamon rolls as a surprise?

How marvelous would it be not to feel hung over, exhausted, and impatient with your loved ones? What would it mean for them to experience you as truly calm and present in conversations?

I often say four hours of no-alcohol-infused sleep is far better than ten hours of drunk sleep. Yes, you may be tired in the morning even if you don’t drink, but oh my goodness, how good it feels not to layer on the fogginess and headache!

Now, let’s flash forward to New Year’s Eve. Envision that instead of popping open another bottle of champagne at midnight, you created a sacred ritual for yourself and loved ones. A beautiful and energetically calm meditation space with candles, wishes written out for the new year, tea, treats, and cozy blankets.

As the clock strikes midnight your wishes for the 2022 are released to everyone and everything in the universe as you breathe with eyes closed and smiles wide.

You might be sighing with a sense of pleasure looking at this vision.

The voices in your head, however, may be slowly speaking up the concern of “But what will everyone think if I’m not drinking? Will they put me on the spot in front of others, and what will I say? Will the events be boring or worse yet, will I be boring? How will I handle the overwhelm and/or social anxiety without my ever-faithful wingman called alcohol?”

When someone in my community complains about certain friends or family being nosey about why they aren’t drinking, I smile and say, “it’s not about you… it’s about them.” It’s been my experience when people make the fact that you aren’t drinking “a thing,” it’s simply because something within them, consciously or subconsciously, is calling them to examine their own relationship with alcohol.

I should know. Back when my drinking habit was a few glasses of wine every night in addition to a martini or two on the weekends, I was hyper aware of who was drinking, what they were drinking, and how many drinks they had had. It gave me anxiety when someone was still on their first glass of chardonnay while I had already gulped down a Manhattan and on to my second.

When I decided to go on an extended break from alcohol during quarantine, it was easy peasy to sail through the weekends and happy hours pleasantly content in my nightgown with Netflix. It was not as simple, however, when the small outdoor picnic dinners with friends started that summer.

I was thrown back into the “real world” for little bursts of time, and it was humbling. I experienced anxiety around the thought of people judging me, talking about me, wondering if I “had a problem,” and so on. I was worried life would be boring, or more importantly, that I would be boring.

Little did I know the exact opposite would come to fruition. Life, and I, became more colorful, brighter, happier, calmer, and more present. Still, however, it helped to have a few scripts in my back pocket for when I was caught off guard with the out-of-the-blue question around my beverage of choice.

Recently, I posted a list of responses for that awkward moment at a dinner party or event when someone says (oftentimes in front of others) “Why aren’t you drinking?” I thought my “Live More Drink Less” members would find them helpful for future use. Instead, I was happily surprised when the comments started rolling in about the responses they already use, which I must say are far better than the ones I created!

The reality is, just because someone asks you a question does not mean you owe them a response. You do not need to explain anything you are doing for the well-being of your mind, body, and soul.

However, if you are more into mocktails than mojitos and seriously dread the curious comments, here are some great comebacks that will end the discussion around your drinking, some that may bring a giggle to you and others in earshot.

1. It makes me drowsy, and I don’t want to fall asleep in your arms right now.

2. I’m driving.

3. Alcohol is just not something I am attracted to at the moment because it wakes me up at 2am with a dry mouth and headache.

4. I’m doing a self-care program and it includes the release of alcohol, and I don’t want a hangover stealing my joy tomorrow.

5. It fuels my anxiety and steals my peace.

6. I like to get up early to see the sunrise.

7. It’s more fun for me to create alcohol-free memories.

8. “Wine Face” is not my friend. (Otherwise known as dark circles under eyes, puffy face, bloodshot eyes, etc.)

9. I make decisions for my Saturday nights based upon how I want to feel Sunday morning.

10. Because… I… Am… Not… but thanks for asking, Nosey Posey

If, at this moment, you are feeling inspired to do a hangover-free holiday, that’s your soul speaking to you. Are you ready to listen?

Taking a break is not about taking anything away but instead putting so much more into your life. Even just a short break from alcohol can create a ripple effect of joy, success, and well-being throughout the year.

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About Meg Daly

Meg Daly is an ICF certified coach, blogger, creator of the “Tranquility Talk” podcast, the Live More Drink Less community, and The 30 Day Reset for people ready to experiment with reevaluating their relationship with alcohol. You can download her “Happy Hour Survival Guide” here.

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Why I Despised My Skin Color & 5 Strategies That Improved My Self-Image

“Beauty begins the moment you decide to be yourself.” ~Coco Chanel

I believed I was ugly and blamed it on my dark skin. I hated my skin color. Looking back, I realized it’s because I didn’t fit in with the white kids, nor did I fit in with the black kids.

I am mulatto. I have a black father and a white mother. Until I started school, I never considered myself different. My family and I were close, and I felt love and acceptance.

When I started second grade, I developed a crush on a boy, who never noticed me and fawned over the pretty blonde girl in class. She was beautiful, with springy blonde curls and a soft, feminine voice. She wore colorful dresses that enhanced her beauty. I felt drab and plan next to her. Thus, began my dislike of my dark, frizzy afro.

As I grew older, the name calling occurred. I was called zebra, Oreo, and n*gger. I spent a lot of my youth in tears.

I wish I could say that it got easier as I grew older. I grew envious of the blonde girls, who caught the boys’ attention. I even envied my two sisters. One had no trouble getting boys to like her, and the other had beautiful hair that fell naturally down her neck in wavy curls.

However, entering the seventh grade solidified my hatred of my skin color and frizzy hair.

I sat in the back of my math class working on my assignment, while passing notes to my friends. Exhibiting a form of bravery, I tossed a note to my secret crush named Mike. He wrote back which pleased me.

In one particular note, I asked him why he didn’t like me. As I handed it to him, I hoped with all my might that he’d tell me I was wrong. When he gave me the note back, he smiled, and I grew hopeful. I opened it and tears formed in my eyes. My heart plummeted to my stomach and bile rose to my throat. His words seared my brain as if he said them aloud.

“Because you’re ugly.”

Devastation enveloped me. I crumbled up the note, but the words couldn’t be as easily destroyed like the piece of paper. It sat in the back of my mind as an explanation to me why boys didn’t like me.

In ninth grade, I was called a dog and had spitballs spat at the back of my head. I left them there, too embarrassed to even rummage through my thick frizzy mass to find them.

“Why did you let them throw spitballs at you?” the substitute teacher asked me after class, as she removed the wet globs from my hair.

I shrugged and left the room thinking, “Why didn’t you stop them?”

By the time I graduated from high school, I pretty much gave up on finding somebody to love me for me. I did go on dates, but I had to do the asking. Even as I went out with them, I could tell that they’d have preferred to be anywhere else but with me.

I struggled with my self-esteem but hid it all behind a smile. I decided to just be myself, be friendly, be kind, and smile. In private, I would cry as I wrote my feelings in stories and journals.

Then one day at the college computer room, I met Rick. He spoke to me and showed an interest in me. When he asked me out, I accepted. Unfortunately, my life never went like I had hoped. I got pregnant. He left me.

Deciding to keep my baby, I raised him with the help of my parents and went back to college to get my degree. I decided then to focus on myself and my little boy. Naturally, obstacles surfaced, but I chose to be myself and incorporated five strategies that slowly helped me start liking myself.

1. I practiced self-care.

Although self-love needs to come from within, I knew I’d feel better about myself if I put more effort into my appearance, so I bought new clothes and changed my hairstyle. This reinforced that I was worth the effort. Wearing flattering clothes and makeup enhanced my skin tone and body shape.

I also took care of myself mentally by reading books that centered on personal growth and following steps to keep my thoughts positive, such as reciting positive affirmations and being more aware of my negative thoughts so I can reframe my thinking patterns.

Taking care of my mind and body really helped me see myself differently. When I felt more comfortable in my skin and more at ease in my own mind, my self-confidence grew.

2. I stopped worrying about what people thought.

I had always been shy and introverted, and I was afraid of being judged. Being in college helped me break out of that shell. I spoke up in class and asked questions. I stopped worrying what people would think about me because I knew this was holding me back. My entire focus centered on what I wanted to learn and get from the classes I took.

My best friend at the time told me that I should walk with my head up and back straight. She taught me that with my shoulders back and my head held high, I’d appear confident, and when I felt confident, no one’s opinions could hurt me. I adopted that form, and believe me, it felt great to walk with extremely good posture and feel the confidence exude from within me.

3. I focused on the positive.

Being positive had always been hard. I would wallow in self-pity and then wonder why I didn’t have many friends or couldn’t get a date. I changed my mindset and focused on the good things in my life and positive changes I wanted to make.

I spent a lot of time with my son and worked on my writing skills, because being a writer was very important to me, and still is! I learned everything I could about business management and continuously developed my skills. I also started hanging out with positive people with healthy self-esteem and emulated their free spirit and vivacious personalities. Spending time around people who see the world through a positive, empowering lens has helped switch my mindset and feel better about myself and life.

4. I started smiling more.

By smiling more, I felt positive and happy more often. I wanted people to view me as someone approachable and friendly, so I smiled and showed my courtesy to those around me. It’s amazing what a smile can do for yourself as well for others. Smiling at someone in passing could touch that person and ease whatever pain they’re enduring. It could brighten their day and, and in turn help you feel good about yourself.

When I was on my way to work one day, after picking up a hot chocolate at a nearby food court, I walked down a few steps toward the exit. An unkempt man entered and held the door open for me. I flashed him a smile and thanked him. He did a doubletake and then smiled hesitantly at me. It was then that I realized the power of a smile. It made me feel good to acknowledge this man because of a courteous gesture on his part.

By being kind and grateful, I shared a moment with a complete stranger and it felt good.

5. I found the courage to be myself.

After practicing the steps above, I was no longer afraid to be myself. I broke out of my comfort zone and even spoke in public at church and seminars I took. Being myself freed me from living in a shell, where the walls I had built at a young age came crashing down.

Today, my skin color no longer bothers me. I still hate my hair, but that’s beside the point. The fact is I realized that it wasn’t my skin color that was stopping me from making friends and finding love. It was me all along. I need to love and take care of myself first before anyone else could love me.

I now have a wonderful, gorgeous husband who treats me the way I’ve always wanted to be treated by a man. He values me and loves everything about me—flaws and all!

Exercising these five strategies created a life for me that I’m quite proud of. In retrospect, I wish I could tell my teenage self that life will get better, just be patient, and enjoy your naturally built-in tan.

I’m proud to be half black and white. It is a blend of both my parents, who I love very much. Without them, I wouldn’t be the woman I am today.

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About Jennifer C. Lawrence

Jennifer is a bankruptcy paralegal, who offers clients assistance, a smile and listening ear, as well as comfort to get them through their struggles. She enjoys helping women find their smile amid a chaotic life through her website https://www.asmileatatime.com.  She resides in Utah with her husband, three children, and two Shih Tzu dogs, while she’s working on her first book for A Smile at a Time.

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