How Overthinking Ruined my Relationships and How I Overcame It

“Overthinking ruins you. It ruins the situation. And it twists things around. It makes you worry. Plus, it just makes everything worse than it actually is.” ~Karen Salmansohn

I grew up with parents who believed a kid shouldn’t have friends and should be indoors always. Because of that, I never had real friends in my childhood, except those I met in school and church.

Since my early teenage years, loneliness has been my forte, and I have learned to pay too much attention to details. When people talk, I look at them, how they react, their facial expressions, etc. I try to draw out details from the tiniest cues and put a lot of thought in them

Conversations, of course, are meant to be enjoyed; however, for me, that isn’t the case. During a discussion, I think of a million ways it could go wrong. I wonder what I’ll say next after I get a reply. And a slight change in a listener’s facial expressions makes me think I’m bothering them—they dislike me, I’m boring, I need to stop talking.

Having real friends has been difficult for me. I find it challenging to maintain a friendship for long. When I meet with someone for the first time and we both “connect,” I start fantasizing about how we might become everyday gist mates, lifetime buddies, and even in a romantic relationship (for ladies).

Sometimes, I get tired and want to stop overthinking, but it always seems impossible. The tiniest of details always want to be thought of and processed. And instead of taking action on what I think, I continue thinking about it.

So many opportunities have slipped through my fingers, making me not confident enough to take action. Except this one time I wanted to enroll in a writing competition. I tried every possible way to discourage myself from applying. I reminded myself of harsh critics and writing rejections I’ve faced in the past, but I never gave in to the voice. I tried to shut it up and applied for the competition—and I won.

I don’t think I’ll ever fully stop overthinking. I’ve accepted it as a part of me I have to live with, but I’ve also made great progress in getting past it.

If overthinking has affected your confidence and held you back as well, perhaps some of my techniques will help.

1. Acknowledge that you’re overthinking.

When overthinking starts ruining your mood or stops you from taking action, acknowledge it. Don’t beat yourself up or hate yourself for it.

If you’re anxious to do something because you’ve been obsessing about it, acknowledge that you’re afraid. When we acknowledge something, our brain has a way of providing solutions for us.

In fact, I started making real progress when I accepted myself as a big overthinker and this helped me love and accept myself instead of hating myself.

2. Declutter your mind regularly.

Decluttering your brain is the key to having a settled mind. You could speak to someone—it helps—or write down every thought running through your mind (my favorite technique to calm my mind).

If, for instance, someone offends you and you can’t get it off your mind, talk to them about it. If you’re obsessing about an interaction with someone you can’t talk to, journal about it. The goal is always to take action whenever possible instead of ruminating on things that are bothering or worrying you.

3. Don’t expect too much from people.

The truth is, people will disappoint you. And this will hurt you even more when you place high hopes on them.

To be on the safer side, don’t place so many expectations on people. People change; things happen, and people go back on their words.

If you expect that people will disappoint you sometimes, you’ll be less likely to overthink things when they do. Instead of wondering why it happened and if you did anything to contribute to the situation, or if you should have done something differently, you’ll simply accept that people often don’t keep their promises, and you don’t need to take it personally.

4. Work on developing self-confidence.

Most times, overthinking is caused by a lack of self-confidence.

There were times when I found it hard to connect with people. I believed I was a boring conversationalist, so whenever I was talking with someone, I’d always try hard to prove my belief wrong—sometimes unnaturally—to keep a pointless conversation going when I could end it.

If you aren’t confident in what you bring to the table, you will always overthink your way into believing it’s always your fault if a conversation or something doesn’t go as expected. So instead of telling yourself that you’re lacking in some way, work on believing in your worth, and this will help you question yourself less in difficult situations.

5. Know when to take a break.

During a stressful day, it’s normal to have a lot running through your mind.

Whenever you start worrying about mistakes you’ve made with other people or find the thoughts in your head feel overwhelming, take a break. Take nap, take a walk, practice deep breathing, or do an activity you enjoy to help you get out of your head.

6. Resist the urge to impress people.

Most overthinkers have a strong urge to impress and please other people. When in a conversation, they may carefully pick their words, and then obsess about whether they’ve said anything stupid or wrong.

That said, a friendship based on trying to impress or please another person will be one-sided and may not last.

People don’t want to feel like they’re being worshipped in a friendship. They want to know the real you—both the exciting and boring parts of you—so it turns them off when you make a conversation about them alone.

When talking with people, say what you mean in the way you want to say it and trust that the right people won’t pick apart everything you say and will actually appreciate you for being you.

7. Accept that you can’t be friends with everyone.

Even as you try to make friends, you should know that not everyone will like you.

You may try hard to make someone acknowledge you and be friends, but you won’t click with everyone, and you don’t have to overthink it.

You aren’t meant for everyone, so if someone disrespects or ignores you, it isn’t your fault. You have to find people who like you and let go of the ones who don’t.

8. Enjoy the moment and try not to think about tomorrow.

In all you do, make sure you’re present in it. You can’t be in two places at the same time. In the same way, you can’t expect to enjoy the present if you worry too much about the past and future.

Make it a rule to always be in the moment, focusing on the people right in front of you. If you let yourself be fully in the moment with them, you’ll worry a lot less about what they’re thinking of you (and about everything else, for that matter).

—

Ever since I started practicing all I mentioned above, I’ve been happier in life than ever before. Making friends with people and holding conversations has become much easier for me.

I failed many times when trying to rewire my brain, but I never gave in. I made the end goal, to make good friends and enjoy life as much as possible, my mantra. Now I overthink a lot less and connect with people more, and I believe you can do it, too!

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About Taiwo Alade

Taiwo Alade is a writer and UX Designer. His passion lies in writing, and he’s interested in influencing people's life experiences through actionable advice in his writeups. He believes the world can be a better place if we look out for other people, and he’s been doing that with his articles.

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How Writing Letters to My Chronic Pain Helps Me Find Relief

Dear pain-in-my-feet:

I’m sorry we ever met. Remind me where I made your acquaintance? Oh, yes—on my February trip to Death Valley, where I assumed long days of hiking had caused a rock bruise. Instead of healing, you got worse and jumped to the other foot, too.

Thanks for the reminder. It helps. Because I was there in the Valley to grieve my dead sweetheart, Tony, with rituals and tears and a personal funeral. I hate being forced to walk this earth without him. So I see you now for what you really are—grief and longing and fury that my soles keep on treading. Let me cry—okay, wail—for a while. Again. More grief to work through—endless, it seems.

Repeatedly over my life, I’ve suffered bodily pain caused more by stress, anger, or grief than by anything physical.

The first time, in my thirties, back pain stabbed at me for a year, through treatments ranging from drugs to physical therapy. The more I tried to fix it, the more it hurt. It disappeared like magic three days after I read a book I’d picked up in desperation. Dr. John E. Sarno’s work introduced me to the concept of mind/body pain and freed me from it. His suggestions helped me identify resentments I’d been hiding from myself.

Since then, mind/body pain in my feet, joints, and elsewhere struck and then vanished—or at least ebbed—in similar fashion. Often, I suffered for months before realizing that the latest pain might again be more emotional than physical.

Lulled by society’s disregard for the power of our subconscious minds, I keep forgetting to tend my body holistically. Each time I must abandon, “I wish X would stop hurting,” and switch to, “What emotion is this pain holding for me?” Only then do I find relief.

The same tactic won’t work for everyone with chronic pain, of course. But neither do surgeries or potent drugs, even when the pain’s cause is known. For me, writing a letter to interrogate my pain has worked better than any drug, and it’s free. Once I ask the pain the right questions, it leaves—as it did when I recognized that my feet were sore mostly from walking through hot coals of loss.

Not all pain is caused by difficult emotions, of course. Injuries, structural issues, and conditions from auto-immune disorders to endometriosis cause hurt for too many people. But researchers repeatedly show that regardless of the cause, mental factors such as anxiety about pain exacerbate how much it hurts. Those feelings can even reprogram our brains to feel pain caused more by the neurological rut than any physical cause.

Pain can’t exist, after all, until our brain interprets signals from nerves. Changing that interpretation—or reducing its volume—is the purpose of interventions such as meditation and deep breathing. Similarly, regardless of why our nerves are chattering, expressing emotions through writing can help.

Journaling is often recommended as a mindfulness technique for managing trauma or chronic pain. Numerous studies confirm it works. It’s almost spooky how writing—preferably on paper, by hand—can reveal truths stuck in our bodies or subconscious minds.

Drafting a letter to your pain, as I have, offers advantages that ordinary journaling might miss. Specifically, writing to the pain, rather than about it:

1. Helps us distinguish ourselves from the pain, instead of identifying with or defining ourselves by it.

2. Reduces the tendency to describe or complain about it, which can further reinforce that neurological rut.

3. Can increase our sense of control and calm, lowering anxiety and perhaps the pain, too.

To try this approach, ask your pain questions like these and let it reply through your pen:

• Exactly what was going on in my life when you arrived?
• When, where, and with whom do you plague me the most? Why?
• When, if ever, do you leave me alone? What’s different about those times?
• What difficult emotion or decision are you distracting me from?
• What are you preventing me from doing that I secretly fear or resent?
• What do you help me do (such as rest) that I might skip if you were gone?
• What is the nature of our relationship? Where do you see it going from here and what will that mean for us both?
• How are we both feeling right now, as I write this to you? Why?

Don’t censor the thoughts that arise, especially when your pain’s offering answers. Write quickly. Read later for insights.

Writing multiple letters can surface new lines of inquiry. And the more I practice, the faster revelations come. My most recent pain letter took only five lines:

Dear pain:  

Why are you stuck there on the left side of my back? Is it because I tend to start out sleeping on my right side? I do that because—oh.

Because that’s how I slept when Tony was here, snuggled against him, and I don’t want to “turn my back” on his place in our bed or my life. Hmm.

This explanation seemed simplistic, since I roll every which way over the night. Still, when I went to bed that evening, I experimented by settling on my left side instead. It hurt not my back but my heart. I wasn’t aware I’d equated that position with turning away from my love.

Tears oozed, but I woke pain free. The pain hasn’t recurred. Credit the placebo effect if you like—I don’t care why the pain stops, just that it does. Any pain management is valid.

Talking to your pain might help you, too, by reducing anxiety about it. Jot it a note and see how it responds. You’ve got little to lose besides ink. Grief still troubles my feet now and then, but my letter worked better than anything the podiatrist advised, including staying off them completely for weeks. So the rest of that particular letter thanked the pain and dismissed it:

Thanks (?) for the head’s-up. Goodbye. Don’t come back. I’d rather give heartache the attention it apparently still needs. I’ll mourn on my daily walk in the woods, where nobody cares if I sob. Satisfied? You may be trying to help, but I don’t need you to hold that emotion for me.

Sure, emotions can hurt too, but most of us prefer them to physical pain, with all its detrimental effects on our lives. So take out pen and paper and see what emerges. With luck, a fresh insight may increase your ease.

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About Joni Sensel

Joni Sensel is an author and certified grief educator with art therapy training. Her interests in creativity, spirituality, and other mind/body issues are explored at more length in her forthcoming memoir, Feeling Fate (2022).

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Become a Certified Meditation Coach with Sura Flow (12-Week Online Program)

Over the last thirteen years of running this site, I’ve read comments and emails from thousands of people with varied wants and struggles, but it seems to me it all boils down to the following two things:

We all want to feel good and avoid feeling bad, and we all need to connect with other people on a meaningful level and feel that we make a difference.

I can think of no better way to accomplish these goals than to meditate regularly and share the gift of meditation with others.

Whether you practice cross-legged or through a movement practice, like yoga, odds are you’ve gotten at least a small taste of the blissful calm meditation can provide.

There’s no better (or easier) way to create space in your busy mind and connect with yourself and the present moment.

And there’s no better way to make a difference in someone’s life than to help them find peace, healing, and clarity.

If you’ve ever considered becoming a meditation coach, I highly recommend you check out the LIBERATE 12-Week Meditation Coach Training Course from Sura Flow.

Sura first discovered meditation while working a high-stress job on Wall St. Her practice was so profoundly healing for her that she eventually left New York to study in the countryside in Asia.

She’s since taught thousands of students her signature approach to meditation: a three-step, heart-centered approach that cultivates energy flow, creativity, and inner guidance for self-actualization.

She hosts the LIBERATE Meditation Coach Training Course twice annually, and the next starts next month, on March 15^th.

About the LIBERATE Meditation Coach Training Course

Meditation coaching blends stress-relieving meditation practices with effective coaching techniques to help people cultivate emotional resilience, navigate periods of uncertainty and transition, and foster insight, clarity, and calm.

This powerful combination allows practitioners to experience deep relaxation in their body and tap into their own inner wisdom to help them achieve their goals.

Through this 12-week program you’ll learn to guide calming meditations for others, teach from your own personal experience, be “in the flow” and guide others intuitively, and help others develop a daily practice.

You’ll learn different types of meditation, ways to practice, how to meditate consistently, and how to maintain your energy while seeing client after client.

You’ll then have all the tools you need to become a professional meditation coach, which might mean offering meditation pro bono or earning over $200/hour.

Who is This Training For?

Meditation coaching is a useful skill for:

• Professionals looking to expand their leadership skills
• Health practitioners, teachers, and healers
• Leaders in business and public service
• High performers and teams
• Educators and administrators
• People who have high-stress jobs and lifestyles

The Schedule and Curriculum

You’ll need at least 8-10 hours per week to complete this program.

This includes:

• A live weekly training webinar on Tuesdays, from 6:00-8:00pm EST
• A live Q&A with group coaching and practice sessions, on Thursdays, from 6:00-8:00pm EST
• Weekly exercises/coaching assignments to integrate your learning experiences

During the 12-week intensive, you’ll receive personal mentorship from a senior coach, with one monthly coaching session to review your homework and help keep you accountable, and you’ll have access to the LIBERATE community site for coaches and trainees for further support and encouragement.

You’ll also receive six bonus sessions, including 60-90-minute training videos to help you develop your meditation skills, and a coaching business toolkit to help you take your training into the real world.

—

Whether you want to teach at a studio, create your own courses, or expand your business with meditation, the Sura Flow Meditation Coach Training Course will give you all the tools and skills you need to make an income and make an impact.

You can learn more about LIBERATE by signing up for the price investment kit here.

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal, Tiny Buddha's Worry Journal, and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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A Simple, Super Effective Shortcut to Loving and Respecting Yourself

“Love is loving things that sometimes you don’t like.” ~Ajahn Brahm

You’ve probably heard the saying “You can’t find love until you learn to love yourself.” What this really means is that when you love yourself, you’re also fully able to accept another’s love for you because you know that you deserve it.

Unfortunately, some people misunderstand this saying to mean that you’re basically not worthy of love unless you love yourself. And that’s a load of toxic rubbish.

If it were true, any number of people with trauma or certain mental illnesses would never stand a chance of finding love. And that’s simply not true.

However, it’s certainly *nice* to love yourself. It makes you feel at home in your own skin, less dependent on others’ approval, and even happy. It also helps you attract people who you treat you with love and respect.

Not loving yourself or respecting your own needs and wishes tends to make you vulnerable to other people who don’t respect you either. From my own experience, I can tell you: it sucks. It hurts like hell, and of course, it also tears your already shaky self-respect down further.

I know because this is an issue I’ve carried around with me for most of my life.

Apart from the pain and humiliation of being disrespected, the worst part is that people kept telling me: “What others think of you shouldn’t concern you. Just ignore them!”, as though I didn’t know, in theory, that my self-worth doesn’t depend on other people’s perception or treatment of me.

The knowledge didn’t make any difference, though, and was as useful as telling someone to stop bleeding after they’d been stabbed with a knife.

The Roots of Missing Self-Love and Self-Respect

Before I continue, I’d like to point out that I’m well aware love and respect aren’t the same thing. But they function in similar ways in this particular context. For some people, the issue is a lack of self-love; others, like me, struggle more with respect.

Lack of self-love or self-respect manifests in all sorts of struggles and behaviors, from eating disorders and addiction to anxiety and depression: You name the dysfunctional behavior, a psychologist can show you how it results from a reduced ability to love and/or respect yourself. In most cases, like mine, it goes back to one’s childhood.

I had a seemingly idyllic childhood in a loving family, but there was dysfunction also, and I’m highly sensitive. I was also the youngest child by a large margin and therefore ended up rather alone when I was very young, without anyone who would take me seriously. At best, they found me cute and silly.

Nobody meant to hurt me, but when they laughed at my “art” and my early attempts at writing, it didn’t exactly build my self-confidence. This left me wide open to being truly hurt by the usual school-years experiences of being mocked or teased by classmates, which most others seemed to simply shrug off.

It took many years for me to realize that even as an adult, even going into middle age, I still had very little respect for myself. I also continued to draw people into my life who didn’t take me seriously. When the connection to my childhood began to dawn on me, I knew something had to change.

“Just Love Her”

There are few things more daunting than trying to heal trauma, overcome a mental illness, or simply shake off the lifelong re-enforcement of unhelpful beliefs and behaviors. I’m not saying it’s not possible, but it’s usually a long process that takes years. It’s absolutely worth it, but I’ve found there’s no need to wait for it to be done in order to start loving and respecting oneself.

That’s right: There’s a shortcut.

In his famous book 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey tells a story about a man who came to him and said that he no longer loved his wife. Covey told him to simply “love her.” To which the guy responded, you don’t understand, I just said I don’t anymore.

Covey went on to explain that love is a verb, and instead of waiting for a feeling to appear, he should just act in a loving way toward his wife. The short of the long story is that apparently, this saved the man’s marriage.

And this is where it clicked for me. Maybe I didn’t feel a lot of self-respect, but I could certainly act as though I did! I admit that this is one of those things that sound too simple to be true. I can tell you from my own experience, though, it’s also one of the things that really are as simple as they sound.

Fake It Until You Become It

What you do—what I did—is first brainstorm ways your current behavior doesn’t reflect self-love or self-respect. If this is difficult, imagine another person, like your best friend. Anything you do or say that you wouldn’t do or say to your best friend, is probably not respectful or loving behavior.

Examples:

• Yelling at yourself (“Stupid me,” “I’m such a clutz,” etc.), either out loud or in your mind
• Not doing what you know is good for you, even if you actually enjoy it (such as going for a walk or eating a yummy, healthy meal, as though you didn’t deserve it)
• Not doing what lights you up (as in, you love playing the piano, but you catch yourself scrolling through social media for two hours instead)
• Staying in jobs and relationships that aren’t nourishing you
• Tolerating disrespectful or toxic behavior by others, even when you have an option of removing yourself from the situation

Watch out for these behaviors, and when you catch yourself at them, say “Stop!” out loud. Then immediately do something that nourishes yourself. This might be any number of things; again, think of what you would do to reassure or nurture someone you love, like your best friend or maybe your child.

From my own experience as well as my work with my clients, I know that kindness and gentleness beat “tough love” any day. Here are a few ways to establish new, loving, and respectful behaviors and habits.

1. Gently ask yourself what you need at this precise moment.

This sounds weird and at first, and you might not get anywhere. Persist, though, and after some days or weeks, you will get an answer. Then, resist the urge to tell yourself you can’t or shouldn’t or don’t deserve it, and do whatever your need is (a nap/cup of tea/hug/bath/etc.).

2. Remember that you are worth the effort to…

…be comfortable where you sit, wear comfortable clothes, be clean and healthy, get plenty of sleep, eat the food you love, do things you enjoy, and take care of yourself. Remind yourself of this every day. And then make the effort.

3. Treat yourself.

Instead of splashing out on expensive luxury items, select a few, meaningful items that make you feel good about yourself, such as a lovingly hand-sewn dress from a tailor on Etsy or an organic home-cooked meal. This is a simple way to reinforce that you deserve your own love and kindness.

Grand gestures might feel good in the moment, but in order to truly change your perception of yourself, you need to perform lots of small, seemingly insignificant acts of love and self-compassion. It works like magic.

These days, I still feel myself slipping sometimes, but I catch it early and course-correct— so that I feel better about myself and attract more people who give me the respect I deserve. The change it has made, in terms of the quality of my life and my levels of happiness, is astonishing.

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About Sibylle Leon

Sibylle is a trained and experienced life coach who empowers fellow wild spirits to prioritize their passion(s) and align their lives with their unique purpose (wildspiritscoaching.com). Her own passions include music, people, and changing the world one heart at a time. Sibylle lives in the beautiful West of Ireland.

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Why Belonging Is So Difficult for Survivors of Domestic Abuse

“Our sense of belonging can never be greater than our level of self-acceptance.” ~Brené Brown

Sitting there watching The Greatest Showman, with tears pouring down my face, I asked myself why does this song, in fact this whole film, make me cry so much? Why does it evoke so much emotion in me?

“I am brave,

I am bruised,

I am who I’m meant to be.

This is ME.”

“Look out cos here I come,

And I’m marching on to the beat I drum,

I’m not scared to be seen,

I make no apologies.

This is ME.”

I am brave, I am bruised, and I know, after many years of working on myself, that I am who I am meant to be. But if I am honest, I am still not marching to the beat of my drum, I am still scared to be seen, and I am still apologizing.

The reason why this film makes me so emotional is because it brings up emotional scars that have still not fully healed. It highlights a part of me that still needs work. I watch these people who have lived their lives as outcasts and have never before found somewhere they belong, and I empathize.

I have never been cast out of anywhere. I grew up in a stable, loving family, but I am familiar with the feeling of not belonging because for many years I have been scared to show the real me.

This fear or inability to be me started the minute my ex pushed me over for voicing my opinion and trying to argue my point. It grew with every punch, kick, threat, humiliation, criticism, and brush off. It grew as the secrets I was keeping mounted up, as the lies I was telling became bigger and bigger.

From the moment my relationship became abusive I did not belong anywhere because I was no longer free to be me.

I hid what was going on, and when it was obvious something was happening because of the bruises, I made light of it and played it down.

I withdrew from myself, becoming just a shell of a person. When I was at home with my partner, I was who he expected me to be; when I was with my family, I tried to be just like them. When I was at work, I was who I thought they wanted me to be.

I found some sense of belonging when I gave birth to my first son. As I lay there in hospital with him in my arms this new feeling came over me—nothing else mattered apart from this wonderful little person. However, I quickly learned to be the mum my partner wanted me to be rather than the mum I wanted to be, and that broke my heart.

Friends disappeared, work colleagues were unsure how to treat me, and on the one occasion I reached out for help (to one of my son’s teachers), I was brushed off. It was a private school, and domestic abuse was not something that was part of their agenda. I did not belong there.

When I finally left for good, I turned up to a women’s refuge, with my seven-year-old son, in a place that I did not know, miles away from my family and friends. I thought that was it, that all my pain was going to stop. While the physical pain obviously stopped, the pain on the inside has taken much longer to heal.

Over fifteen years later, after years of inner work and a happy marriage, I still do not feel that I belong in many places. This is because I am still holding myself back from being me.

My self-preservation tendencies, which were once so vital for my survival, are now holding me back. The fear that kept me on high alert, that helped me to evaluate my words and actions before speaking or acting, to keep me safe, was so strong that even after all these years, it is still there.

What if I do something to upset my husband, will he leave me?

If I voice an opinion that is different to someone else’s, will they brush me off and think I am stupid or stop liking me?

What if I say something and open myself up and no one cares or listens? That will just make me feel worthless and unimportant again.

If I do what I really want to do and get it wrong or fail, others will think I am useless.

Why would anyone want to listen to what I say?

Making decisions that everyone agrees with means I am doing the right thing, even if I am not sure that is what I want.

This fear has prevented me from finding places I belong.

Yes, I fit in wherever I go because I speak and act in a way that suits the situation, that ties in with everyone else. I sit on the fence and do my best to understand and accept everyone’s point of view without voicing my own because then everyone will like me, and I will not get hurt.

But just fitting in is not good for your self-esteem. It just cements the belief that you need to hide the real you.

Being a good communicator involves adapting to suit the environment and situation that you are in, but it should not be at the expense of your own values and opinions, which are just as important as everyone else’s. Pleasing everyone else at the expense of yourself means that you are not giving them the best of you, because that can only come from being wholly and truly YOU.

As a result of domestic abuse, I suffer from low self-esteem. It has got a lot better over the years, but it still pops up now and again.

I go through times when my self-love and self-worth are purely based on what others think of me. One unkind word, one difference of opinion, one moment of feeling ignored has me plummeting into the depths of self-hatred and self-doubt.

It normally happens when I meet someone new or join a new group. I am overly concerned with what they think of me, so I mold myself into someone I think they want me to be, ensuring that they like me. I still hold back now and again with my husband, preventing a disagreement that could potentially result in him deciding he doesn’t love me anymore.

The truth is, everyone who meets you genuinely wants to meet the real you. The best YOU is the authentic, bruised, brave, perfectly imperfect you.

There are times when I genuinely feel that I belong, when I feel comfortable being my funny, hyper, jokey self, when I can speak up and voice my opinion, when I have the confidence to make a mistake and to listen to and act on my intuition.

At these times I feel content, my head is not working on overdrive trying to figure out what I should say and do, my heart is open, and I feel safe to be me. And I know that during these times I am able to give the best of me. These are the times when I feel I am just as important as everyone else. When I feel that I am an equal.

I want to feel like this all of the time! I don’t want to just fit in. I want to belong wherever I go. I want to march to the beat of my own drum. I want to fulfill my potential and be all I can be.

I know, however, that there is only one place I truly need to belong and feel safe to be me, and that is within.

I need to know who I am, what I want, what I like, and what I don’t like. I need to be clear on what my values are and what my dreams and aspirations are. I need to be honest with myself about how I am feeling. I need to work on that overpowering self-preservation mode that is still on autopilot by recognizing that I am safe, that I will not get hurt if I open up and let my true self out.

I need to give myself a break from the ridiculously high expectations I have of myself and treat myself with compassion and respect. I need to love and accept myself for who I am, not just when I have achieved something.

Only then will I truly belong, will I be able to unapologetically be me and shout from the rooftops “THIS IS ME!”

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About Lisa Johnson

Lisa Johnson uses a combination of life experience, life coaching and mBIT coaching to support women survivors of domestic abuse put their pasts behind them and move forwards with confidence and a smile. She is currently writing her first book and posts regular blogs on Pearl Lifestyles with the aim of empowering survivors to rediscover their true selves and enjoy happy, fulfilling relationships, starting with the one they have with themselves.

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Why We’re Afraid of Real Connection and Why We Need Deeper Conversations Now

“It’s one of the great paradoxes of the human condition—we ask some variation of the question “How are you feeling?” over and over, which would lead one to assume that we attach some importance to it.  And yet we never expect or desire—or provide—an honest answer.” ~Mark Brackett, Ph.D., Permission to Feel

I used to feel so satisfied if I had made them cry.

Not in a twisted, sadistic way.

I just knew once things went quiet and they felt safe, we could peel back enough layers, the tears would flow, and we could finally get to the truth. The truth of how they were really feeling, what their real struggles were, and what they really believed about themselves.

I did not like seeing their pain, but I did know how to hold space for it.

This was not achieved in a psychologist’s office or in some sort of support group for mental health. I carried this out in a workplace… for employees.

You see, I have never been a surface level communicator. Most days, I would rather stick pins in my eyes than chitchat about the weather with someone, knowing there is so much more going on beneath the surface of that person. I get frustrated with the façade, pretending we are all okay, when everyone, on some level, is struggling.

Product of Conditioning

I know it is not how most of us are conditioned to operate in society. For many, cultural norms dictate that we be polite, keep emotions to a minimum, and keep conversational topics within acceptable boundaries.

Why are our conversations this way when our fundamental need for connection and belonging is as strong as eating and sleeping?

We have enough solid evidence to confirm that we feel more connected and happier when we take our conversations just a little deeper, yet we don’t. We even have a chemical in our brain called tachykinin that is released when we feel lonely. It is the brains way of making us feel uncomfortable, so we search out others and connect.

It is obvious we’re wired for connection. So then why is it so difficult to have meaningful connections that go beyond shallow pleasantries?

Our Beautiful, Messy Complexity

Well, as with most human behavior, I believe the answer is an intriguing confluence of reasons.

I say this based on my academic studies and professional consulting experience. But a more honest answer would be to admit that my response is predominantly coming from my own childhood experiences going back decades, and even some personal experiences from as little as a few years ago.

Since we see the world through our own filters and perceptions, we tend to focus on what we unconsciously decide is important. And I think for me, being able to sense the greater depths of other human being stems from my own childhood of no one acknowledging my own.

I am aware I am not Robinson Crusoe, as all of us, to some degree, had some need that was not met in our smaller years, and I am sure Freud could have a field day here.

The point being my dedication to creating more connection and belonging (primarily in a workplace context) with people, is mostly due to my past experiences. And thankfully for my past, I totally understand why people do not want to connect on a more meaningful level, even though it is so good for our psychological and physical health.

Our Aversion to Deeper Connection

There are many reasons why people find it challenging to have more meaningful, connected conversations with one another, and I feel the list would be even longer if we put this in a work context.

However, here are my top five:

1. We make emotions binary.

Emotions are not “good” or “bad.” They’re simply data, giving us signs and clues. We have not been taught to be with and embrace all of our emotions, so we judge and suppress many of them. We are comfortable around someone who is happy but feel very uncomfortable if someone is sad.

2. We hide our vulnerability.

When we experience uncomfortable emotions like sadness, guilt, shame, or fear it can be scary and vulnerable to share these emotions with someone else. Naturally, we want to protect ourselves from this type of exposure.

Yet sharing these deep parts of ourselves with someone we trust can provide us with a deep sense of connection, as well as a sense of acceptance and belonging (not to mention a cascade of feel-good brain chemicals).

3. We don’t want to risk being ousted.

The need to belong to a group is hardwired into our brains, so if we experience social exclusion, it actually registers in the brain as physical pain (true story). So, it would make sense that we would forgo our own needs, not take risks such as expressing our opinion or sharing deeper parts of ourselves in conversations, if it meant we get to stay and be part of a group. I think we have all seen plenty of this play out at work

4. We get triggered.

Any conversation that goes below the depths of surface level chitchat always runs the risk of an emotion making a guest appearance at some stage. With heightened emotions comes the gamble of getting triggered and moving into a threat response, which can be distressing and traumatic for some people. It is in this space we often see old patterns, defense mechanisms, childhood conditioning, and other unconscious behavior playing out.

5. We hold ourselves back because our emotions were met poorly as children.

When we were growing up, if any of our strong emotions like fear, sadness, or anger were met with negative consequences, we may have learned to shut down that part of ourselves. The narrative then became “it is not safe to show how I really feel.” This coping mechanism can make it difficult to connect with anyone on a deep level as an adult.

Where There is Connection There is Light

Even though this list may act as encouragement to keep our emotions and vulnerability to a minimum, doing so would not allow us to feel the full, beautiful, rich experience of being human.

Thankfully, Covid has provided us with some benefits. All this disruption we have been experiencing the last couple of years has made us acutely aware of how we need to make connection a priority. Loneliness now becoming a public health concern.

I’ve even noticed an increase in my own introversion and a strange apprehension to connect with others at the moment. Even though I specialize in connection and know all the benefits that come with it, I have had to give myself a bit of a push to get out and about and be with others (insert face palm here).

But what I know for sure, is that sharing our vulnerability and struggles connects us. This is where we find commonality, where we do not feel alone. Where we get to see that we are all the same, trying to do the best we can with the tools we have. Where our hearts can soften, so that we have more compassion with not only those around us, but also with ourselves.

Moments of real connection make for a real rich life. So go on, get out there….

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About Kylie Flynn

Kylie is a connection and workplace wellbeing expert at Happi Matters, bringing more of what it means to be human to workplaces. Kylie has recently launched The Good2Connect Project, a 30-day program for workplaces that want to connect their teams on a whole new level. Good2Connect combines both individual and team activities centered around connection and wellbeing that provide an exciting program not yet seen in the marketplace. Connect with Happi Matters here on Insta or LinkedIn.

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How I Healed My Low Self-Worth After Infidelity and Divorce

“It’s okay to let go of those who couldn’t love you. Those who didn’t know how to. Those who failed to even try. It’s okay to outgrow them, because that means you filled the empty space in you with self-love instead. You’re outgrowing them because you’re growing into you. And that’s more than okay, that’s something to celebrate.” ~Angelica Moone

Once upon a time, I met and fell in love with the man of my dreams. He was the most romantic, loving, amazing person I had ever met and for some reason, he wanted to be with me.

I was a nobody. I was the little girl who had lost her mommy and had control issues. I was the princess needing to be rescued by a prince. And I was rescued, whisked away to a whole other state, and loved and adored by this wonderful man whom I eventually married.

We were together for almost nine years. But my history of eating disorders caused a disconnect. I obsessed over food, exercise, and the slightest interference in my perfectly planned day. We no longer could talk with each other. We no longer could connect on a physical, spiritual, or emotional level.

Two days after Christmas, he told me he didn’t love me. He filed for divorce in early 2021.

I admit, the facts remain foggy about when husband’s affair started, but the emotional truth is this: I felt raw, exposed, ripped apart from the inside. My heart broke into pieces and then those pieces broke into more pieces.

Each time he left the house, I knew where he was going and who he was with. A pickaxe constantly chiseled away at the hole in my chest, making the constant ache and longing for the return of my former life, my husband, greater and greater.

I wanted him next to me, in our bed. I wanted to feel his weight while he slept, see his silhouette in the darkness. Hear his breath and occasional snoring. I thought I would run out of salt from the tears I shed, but they kept coming, night after night, day after day.

I blamed myself for all of it: losing my husband, my house, my dog. It was because of me that my marriage failed. I was unlovable and unworthy of love. Broken. That is why my husband didn’t love me enough to want to work through our problems.

If I had only gotten help sooner, then we would have stayed together. If I wouldn’t have been so obsessive over exercise and what I ate, then he wouldn’t have stopped loving me. If I would have loved him perfectly, then he wouldn’t have found the love he needed with another woman. 

Good and bad memories of him haunted me in my dreams. Harsh words I said, unloving things I did, waited for me in my bed and pounced when I tried to sleep. Wherever I went, the constant flood of tears threatened to destroy me.

When he filed for divorce, I made up my mind. I refused to allow the eating disorder to take any more of my life away.

I realized I couldn’t blame myself entirely for the end of my relationship. For the first time in fifteen years, I threw all of my energy into my healing process instead of achieving the perfect body.

I needed to heal for me. I needed to take real control of my past and learn from my mistakes so I wouldn’t make them again. I had experienced other life-changing trauma, and knew I finally needed to work through it. But I didn’t know where I should begin in the healing process. This is what helped me:

1. Gratitude and Prayer

I am reminded every day that there is always something to be grateful for. The light of the sun after the darkness. The gentle rain that falls after a long dry spell. The changing leaves on the trees. A functioning mind and body. People in your life who love you unconditionally.

I still experienced all of these things, and I still had people who loved me in my life, even though they were hundreds of miles away. I vocalized my gratitude for even the smallest things out loud each day.

At night, I wrote down at least three things that I was grateful for that day: I am grateful that I rose from my bed free of pain in my body. I am grateful for the ability to make my bed. I am grateful for my job.

When you express gratitude for even insignificant things, you begin to see the good in your life, and not dwell on what is going wrong.

I have always been a spiritual person, believing in a connection with a higher power. Each night, I prayed for my family. Then for my friends. And eventually for myself, something I’d never done before because I didn’t feel worthy.

I wanted the gnawing ache in my stomach gone, and my broken heart to mend. Blaming and berating myself all my life had not worked, so what did I have to lose. What I had to gain was a stronger and more confident self.

2. Counseling and Self-Love

I sought a counselor. It helped to relay my story to someone who could help. By telling someone my story from the beginning, I was released from its power. It didn’t own me anymore.

But I still had a long way to go.

The energy around my husband was cold and uncomfortable. I knew he felt it too. He avoided me. When we did encounter each other, he looked at me with disdain and disgust. I went straight to my default thoughts; he must think I’m ugly. It put me in another downward spiral of self-loathing, but not for long.

I was determined to get better, to stop struggling with low-self-worth and lack of self-compassion.

Counseling helped put things in a new perspective. In one of our sessions, she told me something I will never forget: There was nothing you could have done differently. He was going to leave anyway. To know that I hadn’t failed at my relationship and it wasn’t all my fault was a huge relief.

My counselor introduced self-love activities, which sounded so counter-intuitive. I couldn’t wrap my head around it. Despite the awkwardness of looking at myself in the mirror and giving myself positive compliments full of compassion, I did it. The more I practiced compassion toward myself, the more I began to see my intrinsic worth.

I began with the simple phrase: I love you.

That turned into: I deserve love.

I kept saying these every day, wherever I was. My thinking changed my reality. I began to truly believe I was worthy of love.

3. Acceptance and Forgiveness

Even though I spoke with a counselor regularly, I still rode on a rollercoaster from hell. While I still lived at the house, my husband had told me he was going on a fishing trip a few hours away. Every fiber of my being told me he was lying.

The Monday he returned, I searched the room he slept in and found the receipt for a hotel room for two people only twenty minutes away. I confronted him and he denied anything was going on. I couldn’t mention the receipt because I was ashamed for trying to find proof.

I said horrible things to him that night, not because of what he had done, but because he was lying. After being together for almost nine years, how could he still ignore my feelings? How could he continue to lie? His behavior made it perfectly clear that our marriage was over, he had someone else, and he had nothing else to lose. Why not admit it?

I felt as though he never loved me at all. The tension between us worsened and I felt like a stranger in the home I had lived in for six years.

I wanted him to hurt like I did, to understand my pain, my devastation, to empathize with me in some way. He had never experienced a devastating loss of a parent like I had as a child. He had never experienced abandonment of people who are supposed to love all of you, the imperfect parts too. He could not begin to understand the pain and grief I experienced. He had no idea how it festers inside like a dormant volcano for years, then spews out in forms of self-harm.

Despite my mistakes in our relationship and my feelings of unworthiness, I knew I didn’t deserve his lies. The next morning, I promised myself that I would stop trying to find proof of his affair. It wasn’t worth the pain. I knew the truth and if he wanted to continue to lie, that was his choice. I also stopped berating myself for what I had said.

I knew I could never go back in time and redo everything. I couldn’t take anything back. I had to learn from it all and move forward. I had loved this man, and a part of me still did. It was at that moment I forgave my husband for what he had done. I just couldn’t forgive myself yet.

4. Meditation and Breathing

I tried meditation on my own, but I was in the same boat as so many other people who say they can’t meditate because their mind wanders. I didn’t have the patience to meditate, but I still tried.

I sat down on the floor, closed my eyes, and began thinking of all the things I wasn’t supposed to think about. I tried hard to stay focused on the present moment, like I had read so many times. I needed help.

I found a Meetup group about mindfulness and the healing process. I learned tactics for finding awareness and my own inner peace, like repeating a mantra over and over, “I am here. I am love. I am enough. I am okay.” I learned about the power of breathing and the breath cycles: inhale for four seconds, hold for seven, exhale for eight.

With practice, I was able to retrain my brain to stay in the present and not dwell in the past or worry in the future. Meditation helps to change the mind’s thoughts, too.

With meditation came awareness and acceptance of my emotions. When the sadness came, I let it. I crumbled to the floor and allowed my tears to fall for as long as needed and eventually, I rose from the floor and moved forward, telling myself that it’s okay to feel whatever it is you feel.

When loneliness threatened to debilitate me, I let it in, sensing it poke and pry at every vulnerable part of me. But then it eventually went away too. I learned that emotions are like unwanted guests: they are annoying when they are around, but they will eventually leave.

Over the next few months, I could feel a shift within me. I felt empowered. I felt more confident.

5. Writing

Writing is in my soul. It helps to put things in a new perspective. Since I was a child, I wrote my thoughts down to help process what happened to me. I can see the events anew with some distance and perspective.

I kept a notebook and carried it with me wherever I went. When I felt overwhelmed by my thoughts, I wrote them down. It served as a kind of brain dump for all the streaming thoughts in my head.

Writing is tangible proof and a reminder that the only constant thing in life is change. Our viewpoint on life never looks the same when we look back on it from the rearview mirror.

I am a work in progress. I am healing. I am growing. I am learning. I am rising stronger every day. Even if one person cannot see my value, my worth, and my intrinsic goodness, I have countless others who can and who have shown me that I am worthy of love.

Love is what humans truly crave when they futilely use money to buy new gadgets, clothes, or make fancy renovations to their homes. But at the end of the day, humans thrive and prosper on love. No amount of money or material wealth can replace the desire to feel loved and be loved in return. The most important love of all is that for yourself.

I still question myself and my value. But I am getting better at recognizing those thoughts and shutting them down sooner, then replacing them with more compassionate ones.

I have learned that mental illness is not something to be ashamed of or kept secret.

Mental health is okay to talk about. It is okay to ask for help. Don’t hold it in no matter what you assume other people will think. You are worthy of finding peace and healing. You deserve to be the best version of yourself. Accept yourself so you can forgive yourself. Choose to love yourself first and everything else will fall into place.

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About Kaycianne Russell

Kaycianne is a mild-mannered teacher by day, and a ferocious writer by night. She encourages her students to express themselves in writing in order to realize inner strength they didn’t know they had. A certified health coach and personal trainer, she hosts a yoga and mindfulness class for students to learn breathing and relaxation techniques. Check out her www.heartofhealing.info for more about her story and how she is taking steps along her path to healing.

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To the Expectant Mom with a Million Questions and Worries

“Have a little faith in your ability to handle whatever’s coming down the road. Believe that you have the strength and resourcefulness required to tackle whatever challenges come your way. And know that you always have the capacity to make the best of anything. Even if you didn’t want it or ask for it, even if seems scary or hard or unfair, you can make something good of any loss or hardship. You can learn from it, grow from it, help others through it, and maybe even thrive because of it. The future is unknown, but you can know this for sure: Whatever’s coming, you got this.” ~Lori Deschene

As an obstetrician in Manhattan, I see the following scene often…

A woman who is newly pregnant walks into my office, her eyes wide, her fingers clutched around her phone or a notebook and pen.

She has just come from her first ultrasound and is now looking at me in total fear and anxiety. Not because she was told she has had a miscarriage—there is a beautiful heartbeat noted. Not because she has been told something looks abnormal with the baby—the baby looks healthy, like a little jumping peanut, as they all do early in pregnancy. Not because she has medical complications that make her pregnancy extremely high risk.

Instead of taking a deep breath and feeling relief that the ultrasound showed a healthy pregnancy, her mind immediately goes to the million things she needs to get right and understand and process to ensure that she does everything right. To ensure that she receives an A+ in pregnancy and growing a healthy baby.

Her look is a reflection of her inner emotions related to the unpredictable nature of pregnancy. She is scared to death because she realizes that she is no longer in control. She can do everything perfectly and still something bad may happen.

This may be the first time in her life she has ever felt this way. So she desperately wants to control every bit of the process and soak in every detail she can in regards to statistics, testing, the effects of her diet, exercise, stress, work environment, and household and dietary toxins.

She is clinging to any bit of power she has, to make everything turn out alright. To make sure she has a good pregnancy, an uneventful birth, and goes home with a healthy baby that will flourish and go to the top schools and become a happy and successful person.

She also wants to maintain control of herself, the self she has cultivated for years and involves her career that she has worked hard for, her body that she has meticulously cared for, and her ability to work hard and be successful in everything she does.

Now that all medical records and patient notes are available for the patients to see, a colleague of mine has coined a code word to add to such patient’s notes so that everyone who sees them understands they will need double the standard time for these appointments to answer the long list of questions that will inevitably arise.

They should be prepared for questions on everything from birth plans to whether or not they should do invasive testing for Down’s syndrome even if the very sensitive screening tests return normal to what their chances are of getting gestational diabetes to whether it is safe to paint their nails and color their hair.

They often bring a bag full of the supplements they have been taking and the makeup and skin products they have been using and ask the doctor to review and comment on each and every one and the safety and risks and benefits of each in pregnancy. If we do not have a good enough answer based on the available data, they want to know what we personally would do, as uncertainty and lack of direction is not an option.

These moms require a little extra gentleness and support from their doctors; however, it can be difficult, as often no matter how many questions I answer and how well I try to ease their fears, I know that they may never be fully satisfied with my responses.

The information I give them involves many responses that reflect a lack of a complete knowledge of all of the answers to their questions.

I cannot definitively tell them how the face cream they used before knowing they were pregnant may affect their growing baby. I may not know how likely their fibroid is to cause preterm contraction or pain compared to women who have fibroids in other locations or of different sizes

I can try to reassure them that even if they can only tolerate bread due to extreme nausea, their baby will get the nutrients they need; however, they may never fully believe me and feel that they have already done something wrong that is causing irrevocable harm.

What I want to tell them, but often don’t due to my concern for their response and thinking that I do not take them seriously or provide the level of support and intensity they need, is this:

Pregnancy is scary because most things that happen are beyond our control. Life, and everything about life, is also beyond our control; however, pregnancy is often the first time we come face to face with the fact that we really just have to let it be and accept what comes. 

This is terrifying. We want to feel that we can influence the outcomes—the harder we work, the healthier we are, the better we follow all of the rules, the better our outcome will be. But just as someone can eat healthy, exercise every day, and get hit by a car crossing the street, a mom can follow every rule and recommendation and end up with a baby with a heart defect or have cervical insufficiency and lose the pregnancy. 

The more we can accept the unpredictable nature of life and death, the more we can just be during the pregnancy and not live in perpetual fear of possible negative outcomes. 

The truth is, worrying about it does not lessen the pain if a bad outcome occurs. So spending our time worrying about what may be is not helping us in any way and is actively preventing us from fully living in the present.

This is the first lesson of being a parent, and an important lesson for everyone in life, no matter if you desire to be a parent or not: You cannot control your children and can only do your best to be present and conscious and support them so they can flourish and grow into their own authentic selves. 

Do the same for yourself during pregnancy and in life in general. Try to be present in the moment instead of focused on all of the ways that things could go wrong. Be conscious of how you treat your body. Provide yourself with nourishment, rest, exercise, and self-care so you can thrive during the pregnancy and beyond.

Oftentimes pregnancy provides a window of time when women will actually focus on themselves more instead of on taking care of everyone else, as they understand that their well-being inextricably affects the well-being of the baby growing inside of them.

If you notice yourself becoming very anxious or stressed, take some quiet time to sit with these emotions. You may intuitively discover what is causing them, and often it will be your lack of control and the uncertainty that is inevitable during pregnancy.

Try meditation, yoga, or other mindfulness activities to re-center and get into the present moment. Be grateful for how your body is supporting you and your growing baby. Journaling and talking to a therapist, alone or with your partner if you have one in this pregnancy, may also help uncover the underlying programming and conditioning that lead to your current emotional state.

Oftentimes there are roots going back to our own childhood and feelings of inadequacy, low self-worth, or invalidation that make us feel we will somehow mess up or not be a good enough parent. We become very anxious or worried that we will either make the same mistakes our own parents did, or that we cannot live up to the standards we have set for ourselves if we have placed our own parent(s) on a pedestal.

We may have become a perfectionist at a young age to emotionally cope with the dynamics in our own families. We may even have avoided risks or failure during our adult life so that we never had to deal with the sense of not being good enough.

Pregnancy brings all of these emotions and more into focus. It can become a time where we are either forced to turn inward and address our personality traits that developed in our own childhood or risk becoming very anxious, stressed, and depressed.

During my own pregnancy I went to an extreme. I detached from my pregnancy, as the thoughts of all of the negative outcomes I have seen in my professional experience were too much to bear.

I did not have the proper tools or self-awareness to explore it and heal myself. Rather than face the crippling anxiety and work through it, I dissociated from the pregnancy and did not allow myself to connect or bond with my daughter until she was born.

I always was very relaxed and nonchalant at my own obstetric visits and sonogram appointments because I had forced the emotions so deep inside that no one could even see them. I eventually developed severe postpartum anxiety and depression that stemmed from this lack of confronting my true feelings and understanding where they came from so that I could heal them.

I was completely unaware that I was even suffering from severe anxiety and depression for almost two years after the birth of my daughter. This was how deep the schism was between my emotional response to pregnancy and having a baby was and my ability to process and understand these emotions.

Not everyone who is anxious or depressed during pregnancy or postpartum has similar feelings to my own. However, I have noticed that women who come into the pregnancy already very anxious and worried are more likely to develop worsening of these symptoms during pregnancy and postpartum.

It may be related to the fact that initially the concern is over having a normal healthy pregnancy, but as birth looms closer they realize that the birth is also out of their control, and then as going home with the baby looms closer they realize that breastfeeding, soothing the baby, and the temperament and health of their baby is also out of their control.

We go from facing a finite period—we just have to get through this pregnancy—to an infinite period,  parenthood, in which the older our child gets the less control we have. This is terrifying to someone who is naturally a perfectionist, type A, someone who has learned through life that the more they do and the harder they work, the better the outcome will be.

Instead of struggling and succumbing to the toxic, negative emotions and fears, we have to learn to acknowledge them and then let them go. We must learn to just be. To sit with the uncomfortable nature of the unknown. 

This does not mean you should not ask questions. This does not mean that you will never worry or feel anxious. But it means that you can also let in moments of calm and relaxation. Moments where you trust your body to do what it innately knows how to do without our conscious interference.

Your doctor or midwife cannot and will not be able to fully reassure you and hold your hand and tell you everything will be okay. We will do our best to answer all of your questions and support you in a nonjudgmental and compassionate way; however, no matter how many notes you take we cannot release you from the anxiety that comes from a feeling of lack of control. Only you can do that.

I recommend trying to avoid the triggers that will make it worse, avoiding pregnancy apps where other women write comments that are often not based in science, and limiting the amount of books and classes you digest during your pregnancy and parenthood.

There are whole industries created that exist and profit off of our desires and needs to feel perfect and in control. The truth is that perfection does not exist, and the future is never predictable.

Instead of allowing fear and anxiety to control me and close me off from all of the wonderful, deep emotions that come from embracing vulnerability and the unknown, I now choose every day to consciously work to uncover my anxieties when they appear.

I thank my inner self for showing me I still have work to do, and then bring myself back into the present moment and back to the gratitude for what I have right now, no matter how messy or imperfect it may be.

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About Jessica Vernon

Jessica Vernon, MD, FACOG is a mom, advocate, writer, and board-certified OB/GYN in NYC. She writes to share her own experiences and those of the thousands of women she interacts with as a doctor, to help others know they’re not alone in experiences that don’t line up with the unrealistic expectations set by society. Read her blog on Substack, follow her on Instagram, or connect with her on LinkedIn. For more resources for your reproductive journey, visit Metamorphosis to Mom.

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Not Happy with Your Life? I Changed the Rules and You Can Too

“I really believe in the philosophy that you create your own universe. I’m just trying to create a good one for myself.” ~Jim Carrey

If someone had told me years ago I’d one day be serving mushroom mafalda to a former VIP client, I’d have laughed in their face. Not an “I wouldn’t be caught dead doing this” type of cackle; more with an “I haven’t waited tables in twenty-five years, why would I start now?” kind of incredulity.

But it’s true. I’ve gone from defining myself as “Career Girl Sam”—toiling in an industry that was killing me—to a far simpler existence. Literally pulled from my laughable one-page resume: giving people a positive dining experience.

Now this trope may seem overdone. People quit their highfalutin jobs every day. Maybe they’re sick of the rat race. Maybe they wake up and realize the lifestyle they’re trying to maintain is unnecessary. Or maybe their mental health is under attack (mine was). Whatever the reason, walking away from a pressure-cooker job is not a new thing.

Since I walked away, however, I’ve been challenging the so-called “rules” of life. I’ve decided to re-write them. And I have the pandemic to thank for giving me the clarity I never even knew I needed.

The First Shift

I’ll start with how I saw myself. Like all of us, I had a different hat for every role. The one I wore as Sam, the mom. It was a practical hat, meant to keep my ears warm in the winter. The one for Sam, the career girl. More a signature, fashion piece netting plenty of compliments. And, of course, the ones I wore as Sam, the daughter… Sam, the friend… Sam, the sister… I could go on, and so can you.

Over the course of twenty odd years, I’d worn and collected so many damn hats I’d forgotten who was underneath them.

I’d forgotten about the Sam that I am.

Well, you reach a certain age and suddenly you’re aware of time running out. I could hear the clock pounding in my head at night.

Once I realized there was someone living inside me who had been buried underneath all those hats, I decided I needed to give her a chance. And the best way I knew was to figure out how to thrive in my own way, on my own time, and with my own set of ideals.

I don’t hold any secret sauce to succeeding at this game called Life. But I can tell you, I’m happier these days. Changing up the rules has made a huge difference.

Screw the Productivity Hustle

I’ve been in a perpetual state of anxiety for most of adulthood. In the past, I was rarely in the moment. (Was I ever? Probably not.) Because it was a constant series of this, then that, then don’t forget about these 500 other things I was juggling. All of which could come toppling down at any moment.

And here’s the deal: I’m not ashamed of my incessant quest to get sh*t done. It’s part of who I am. But I’ve learned some things that shocked me. Thank you, pandemic, for showing me that it’s okay to wake up and know your contribution to the world is simply being alive.

The stripping away of so much from our regularly scheduled days has created space for… well, nothing, if I choose. Understand this is decidedly not how I roll. I will try to squeeze seven minutes out of every five whenever I can.

But it’s unhealthy. And I saw myself projecting my constant hustle onto others. If my husband “sat around” on his day off, it would trigger me. “What did you get done today?” “Uhhh, I watched ‘Forged in Fire.’ Why?” The poor dude. He’s entitled to rest and restoration. Just because I didn’t allow myself the same luxury didn’t mean he had to operate under that hard-core philosophy.

He said to me the other day, “Sam, I’m not you,” and then it hit me. Why am I driving myself so much?

I fill every second with a TO-DO that, quite frankly, does not add much value to my life. So what if the house hasn’t been vacuumed in a month? So what if the laundry resembles a mountain of clothing chaos I summit only when necessary? (Like, hardly ever. Rummaging is more our style these days.)

I’ve decided to stop chasing—and exalting—productivity. It’s exhausting! Here’s what I now do instead.

Do you and forget about validation.

Along the way, I’ve prided myself on being a woman who could pull amazing things out of thin air. Elaborate costumes made at the eleventh hour. Corporate events I’d swoop into and sprinkle my own “something something.” Need a little pick-me-up? Standby while I write you a rap song and perform it in front of all your peers.

I believed in trying to nail everything I was involved in. Which meant operating at high intensity, twenty-four-seven.

And I documented it all on social media.

I wanted everyone to know how capable I was. I gobbled up their validation, morning, noon, and night. But unconsciously.

In fact, I thought I was just being funny. In some ways, I was. Getting stuck in my red leather boots at airport security in Toronto proved highly entertaining for my Facebook peeps a number of years ago. Losing my keys in the snow. Smashing my phone for the umpteenth time. It was all part of my little show. Another persona—Sam, the relatable dumpster fire.

For the last eight months, I’ve mostly been off social media. I was initially motivated to take a break by the same things that probably irk you. But when I felt an uncomfortable vacancy after completing something cool that nobody knew about, it hit me.

Newsflash: I was desperate to be liked, and hungry to be lauded. I knew I needed to stop relying on this external validation.

Now if I have a private moment to myself, I don’t feel any pressure to whip out my iPhone and snap a photo. I can, if I want to, but it’s for me. Or my family. These moments have become sacred.

And I’m not pooh-poohing anyone who loves their daily scroll through the lives of others. Nor am I judging those who enjoy sharing things themselves. Have at ‘er.

But I can tell you, I have more available real estate in my head, and I truly do not give a flying you-know-what on the opinions of followers. I’m doing me. On my terms. No permission needed.

Prioritize joy.

I’m not sure why, but I grew up attaching a sense of shame to the feeling of joy. Maybe it was because my mother suffered from crippling depression. We kind of tip-toed around, trying to keep the confusion at a minimum. Maybe it was the energy placed on productivity and success. I’m not sure. But what I now know is that joy is allowed. Joy matters. And I’m not going to dim my pursuit of it to make anyone else feel better.

Because I’m choosing to find it in the smallest of things. Like my hot oatmeal this morning. How incredible was that first taste—the crunch of the green apple, the punch of the cinnamon I added. A small moment; just for me.

How lovely is it to sit in that one sliver of sunshine that beams in your house first thing in the morning? Or to notice the squirrels chasing each other? These seemingly silly observations which at one point in my life would have gone completely unnoticed are now part of my ongoing quest.

Where can I find joy? Is it in the smile of the barista who made my latte? Is it in this parking space I lucked out on? And I don’t just look for it, I want to dish it out. Because it matters. We all deserve joy.

Get real with yourself. And calm the F down.

My tendency in life is to live in the extremes. When things are bad, I assume the worst. When the going is good, my rose-tinted glasses convince me that only the best possible outcome is reserved for me.

Well, I’ve spent the last year getting real with myself. This has involved challenging the absolute worst-case scenario that lives in my head.

I quit my career to lead women on these gorgeous, global walking adventures. I’m oversimplifying, but it’s what I did. It seems so obviously like a pipedream, it’s not even funny. The truth is nothing is as simple as the idea. I’m learning this. (She says while popping a Tums!)

With the pandemic stalling my plans for this new business, I’ve found myself twisted up in even more fear. But I’ve looked it square in the eye and decided I can live with the worst-case scenario: instead of getting this thing off the ground, what if it plummets into cold water like some sloppy cannonball?

What will that mean? I’ll have spent time and money chasing a dream that didn’t work out. Will I say it was wasted? No way. Because I’ve always believed we can’t know until we try. Will we end up in the streets? I mean, I guess, that’s always a possibility. But unlikely. I have skills, and I’m fairly certain I can just go out and get another J-O-B.

Which brings me to my next point.

Stop asking people what they do for a living. Ask them what they’re about, instead.

A part of me has had to face some ugly bits of my ego. I used to feel good about myself when I answered that famous question, “What do you do for a living?” I’d pretend to stammer around, but secretly would be full of pride that I owned a company and worked in finance. I thought (foolishly) this gave me credibility. I thought, somehow, I was worthy. Because I flat-out defined myself as Sam, the career woman.

I’m here to tell you it’s all rubbish.

Thanks in part to walking the Camino, I figured out that I am not that. The “Sam I Am” is not what I do for a living. Nor does anyone give a rat’s ass what I do for a living, unlike what we’re led to believe. I could be perfectly content living a simple life, under the radar, away from regulations and scrutiny and incessant pressure.

Like my new part-time gig of waiting tables. I live in a small town with a handful of nice restaurants. I knew it would mean the inevitable bump into past clients. But it doesn’t faze me—not even a noodle. And it will happen one day. I imagine a conversation going like this: “Oh hello, Mr. Former VIP Client! Yes, I do work here now. Any questions about the pasta selection?”

Let’s redefine that annoying question, “What do you do for a living?” Why do we feel the need to put people in boxes? Why does it matter how someone earns money these days? As though their job somehow defines them. Hypocrisy moment: it used to define me. Or so I thought, until it didn’t anymore.

And I’m a little frustrated that we start as young as we do, even with kids. “What do you want to be when you grow up?” I’m all for having dreams and a path to work toward. But are we not setting ourselves up for a future that has far too much emphasis on what we do and how that relates to our worth in the world?

I think it would be more interesting to answer the question, “What are you about these days?” or “What matters to you in life?” Next time you find yourself in that classic situation, why not switch things up?

I’m just now figuring out what matters to me in life. It’s not the job. Not the house. The car. The clothes I wear. It’s not the likes. The comments. Or the number of holiday cards I receive. It’s not even the hikes I go on.

What matters to me are the same things that truly matter to you. Your family. Your sense of self-worth. Trying to stay on a path that feels like your own.

So throw out the rules that aren’t working for you. Nobody said you had to follow them anyways.

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About Samantha Plavins

Sam Plavins is a Gen-x mom, wife, adventurer, writer, and recovering over-sharer. In 2019, she hiked 800-km across Northern Spain and had the epiphany that her career in finance was killing her. So she decided to walk a new path, launching She Walks the Walk to help women like her lead more authentic, inspired lives. She wants you off society’s treadmill, or at the very least to question it! Find her at shewalksthewalk.com, Instagram, YouTube, or her travel blog, and check out her podcast here.

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The post Not Happy with Your Life? I Changed the Rules and You Can Too appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

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