Overcoming Negative Thoughts: A Little Awareness Can Go a Long Way

“You have power over your mind—not outside events. Realize this, and you will find strength.” ~Marcus Aurelius

Every time I get back up from my lowest point, it seems as if negative thoughts will drag me down all over again.

Whether it’s the fear of actually being happy only to be sad once again or the self-doubt and self-judgment that pop up when things are going well and I’m healthy, negative thoughts seem to win every single time.

A while ago, I spent a few weeks battling constant negative thoughts about not being good enough, no matter how much I tried to maintain a balance between my passion for writing, my mental and physical health, school, work, meal prepping, house chores, and family.

This only aggravated my anxiety while intensifying my day-to-day misery.

Toward the end of that battle, I experienced a decline in my physical health, as I lacked movement, overslept, and didn’t eat much.

I decided to try to exercise at home. Yet again, during a set of lunges, I experienced negative thoughts about how it didn’t matter if I exercised because I’d only end up spiraling back into the same rabbit hole I just came out of, and I felt a crippling need to drop down on my knees and have a breakdown.

A few seconds before I was about to drop down, the statement “your inner strength is more powerful than your thoughts” came to me.

I paused for a moment, put my hand on the dining table right next to me for support, and took a deep breath.

I felt that statement.

I repeated it to myself a few times. I wrote it down.

I read it over and over again.

I realized that statement had arisen from an awareness behind my thoughts, an awareness that awakened and revived my inner strength.

Often, we become so deeply lost in what’s passed or what’s to come, and that which we can’t control, that we’re no longer conscious or aware of the present moment. Ultimately, we become prisoners of negative thoughts, which worsens our stress and anxiety.

Even if for a moment all is good, and we’re conscious of the present, it isn’t long before we spiral into negative thoughts that provoke doubts and fears about the good that is.

A few months ago, my nieces were so excited to have learned new math problems. They were playing a game amongst themselves, asking each other to solve math equations. Suddenly, they said, “Massi,” which means “aunt” in Punjabi, “what do you think is the answer!?”

I turned red. My ears and cheeks were burning up. I felt embarrassed and scared. I stuttered and quickly changed the topic.

I struggled in math courses throughout high school, barely passing each one. To avoid taking math courses in community college and university, I found a loophole to bypass it as a liberal arts major, only to get a degree to work in a field I’d end up despising.

Now, years later, I’m enrolled in a required math class to pursue a degree in botany. Why? Because I didn’t want my negative thoughts, which ignited fears about not being able to comprehend or pass a math class, to prevent me from learning something I enjoy, plant science.

It’s important to realize that negative thoughts aren’t always true. They’re often a made-up story formed by doubts, fears, and anxieties. They pull us away from reality and detract from our ability to be and do what we desire.

Negative thoughts are the obstacle that arises shortly after life brings something unknown onto our path. They stem from our egoic-state, which tries to protect to us from being uncomfortable with change or something new. Negative thoughts also limit the opportunities and possibilities that life presents us with and ultimately numbs our ability to learn and grow.

But the universe will continue to present us with whatever we need to challenge our negative thoughts and eventually awaken our awareness and ignite our inner strength.

Through many painfully tough times—and I mean painful to the point where I’d find myself drowning in negative thoughts in a dark closet for hours—I’ve found that there is always a powerful awareness behind my negative thoughts. Sometimes, it’s loud and clear, and other times, subtle and unclear, but it’s always there to pull me away from those negative thoughts and to get up, show up, and not give up.

I know it’s not easy to pull yourself away from the negative thoughts that can take you into a dark place, but it’s always possible.

Here are two practices that help me out of the hardest of times by awakening the awareness behind my thoughts and restoring my inner strength.

1. I pay attention to how I feel and quickly step into nature.

Often, when we have negative thoughts, we begin to feel stress and anxiety within our body. Sometimes we feel physical symptoms like tightness in our chest or shallow breaths, and other times we feel strong feelings of embarrassment, self-doubt, anger, or sadness.

Once I realize that I’m not in tune with my inner self and feel off in any kind of way, I quickly step outside before it worsens.

Whether it’s sitting in the backyard or taking a walk around the block, it only takes a few moments before my stress and anxiety reduce and I begin to feel calm and still.

In that space, I am able to be the awareness behind any negative thoughts and allow them to dissipate rather than dwelling on and believing them.

Being in nature, looking at the plants and trees, feeling the fresh breeze, and watching the birds fly by reminds us to just be and not dwell in what was or what will be.

Ultimately, being with nature gently awakens our awareness and restores our inner strength.

2. I do something that brings me joy.

As I’ve mentioned, we often think negative thoughts about what was or what will be. I frequently find myself lost in what I could have done differently or what might happen in the future and eventually spiral into a hole of self-doubt and self-judgment.

It’s hard to motivate yourself to do something that makes you happy when you’re pinned against a wall by negative thoughts. However, remember, it’s not impossible.

When I’m doubting or judging myself, I do one thing that I know makes me happy, just one, however big or small. Sometimes, it’s making a new easy recipe, and other times, it’s writing a sentence or two in my journal.

This is a game changer because you pull yourself away from negative thoughts by focusing your attention on something else, and that awakens your presence and awareness. You also tap into your “feel good” feelings by doing something for yourself, which also makes you feel resilient and stimulates your inner strength.

—

Time and time again, I’ve found myself trying to battle off negative thoughts for good. Yet, in one way or another they always come back for another round. However, I can say that though I’ve had times where I was lost in negative thoughts for weeks, my awareness and inner strength have always brought me back home to my heart.

Pay attention to the loud or subtle nudges your awareness gives you when you’re going through challenging times. Your awareness and inner strength are stronger than any negative thoughts you may have, and they can help you recognize them for what they—just thoughts—so you can let them go and do the things you want to do.

See more posts

About Jasmine Randhawa

Jasmine Randhawa is a writer, a creative, an author of a self-published children’s picture book, and a former personal injury law paralegal. With more than seven years of education and experience in research, writing, and working with many who suffered from stress, anxiety, trauma, and loss, she now shares work around embracing the journey beyond pain and suffering to harvest the sweetness of life with more presence, joy, and peace. See more at: https://linktr.ee/Jasminekaurtoday

Web | Twitter | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Overcoming Negative Thoughts: A Little Awareness Can Go a Long Way appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/vCR4sIu

If You’re Afraid to Ask for Help Because You Don’t Trust People

“Ask for help. Not because you are weak. But because you want to remain strong.” ~Les Brown

I sat in the doctor’s office, waiting—linen gown hanging off me, half exposed—while going through the checklist in my mind of what I needed help with. I felt my breathing go shallow as I mentally sorted through the aches and pains I couldn’t seem to control.

Fierce independence and learning to not rely on others are two of the side effects of my particular trauma wounds, stemming from early childhood neglect and abandonment. During times of heightened stress, my default state is one of significant distrust.

Letting people in and asking for help has never been my strong suit.

Not only did it prove painful at times, asking for help has also proven to be unsafe. I’ve been given poor and damaging advice from people I assumed knew more than me. I’ve emotionally attached to people who disappeared when I least expected it. I’ve been lied to, betrayed, and left behind when my help was no longer useful.

I’ve been injured both physically and emotionally when relying on others to care for me and have been let down more times than I can possibly recall.

I have plenty of reasons to convince myself that no one can help me. That I’m in this life all alone. Some days I feel just that.

Other days, I sit in my doctor’s office ready to make myself vulnerable one more time looking for support that I’ve been unable to give myself. Hoping, fingers crossed, that maybe this time I’ll be seen, heard, and cared for.

When the doctor walked in, I was writing a note on the depression screening form justifying why I feel sad some days. I know it’s normal to feel sad doing the work I do as a mental health therapist. Working with people’s sad can be sad. I wanted to be upfront.

And also, I’ve been focusing on healing the trauma in my body that injured my nervous system starting in infancy. Actively inviting my body to retrieve its pain to set it free and regulate my system to a state that is considered normal. Except I don’t know what normal feels like.

Her very first questions to me: “Are you getting back what you put into your work? Is it worth it?”

I blink, unsure if I heard her correctly.

“Are you asking me if the work I’m doing is more depleting than rewarding? Am I receiving as much as I’m giving?” I ask.

“Yes,” she responds assuredly.

I exhale.

She sees me. She actually sees me. I ask myself this very question every day.

This one question cracks me wide open. I know I can trust her.

I hear words pouring out of my mouth explaining the work I’ve been doing with myself. My intention to heal my nervous system and my body, how hard it’s been to feel all the emotional pain that’s come up and the subsequent physical pain that comes and goes to remind me just how deep all this stuff runs.

I shared with her my most recent discovery—my earliest known physical trauma at nine months old, when my mother gagged me to make me throw up to “protect” me.

When her behavior was discovered, she was admitted to a hospital for psychiatric services for over a month. My brother and I were placed in the care of anyone who was available to watch us.

At the most important time for healthy attachment and trust to form, I was taught that survival meant staying clear of those who are assigned to protect you. They can hurt you. And the world was not a safe place.

This was the first of many experiences in my life that would drill in the same belief. My body spent years trying to protect me by tensing up, shaking, or wanting to flee when I sensed any kind of danger—being trapped, pressured, controlled, or trusting authority figures was high on my list of subconscious nos.

To me, there was no logic to the way my body reacted to what seemed the smallest threat, so I shamed myself for it.

I couldn’t understand why driving on the highway put me in an instant state of hypervigilance. Why I would wake up in the middle of the night unable to breathe. Why the bright lights and enormous amount of stimuli in the grocery store made me freeze the moment I walked in. Why perceived conflict made me want to curl up into myself or attack and bail.

All I knew was I was not “normal,” and I felt like I had no control over it.

I recall the first infomercial that serendipitously came across the screen during a sleepless night while I was traveling in my early twenties. At the time I always slept with the television on to drown out the noise of my thoughts in the silence of night. A woman talked about her struggle with anxiety and the way it internally took over her life. I immediately tuned in.

She was talking about me. She was talking about so many of us. I couldn’t believe someone understood what I desperately tried to hide and despised about myself.

It was the first of many books, programs, methodologies, and practices I would try. It was the first time I felt seen and sought help.

It wasn’t that I didn’t want help. I just didn’t trust it, nor was I comfortable with being vulnerable enough to ask for it. Particularly because I had proof that when I did rely on people, they could turn on me, or even worse, leave.

And then there was the cultural push to just “suck it up” or accept that “it is what it is.” Key words to encourage us to abandon ourselves.

Sucking it up is exhausting, and it doesn’t help. It doesn’t change what’s hard, and from what I can tell, years of sucking it up never made me stronger. Just more certain I was stuck in this mess of myself alone.

Even though I help people for a living, and fully understand that I am the help I encourage people to seek, I forgot that I, too, was able to ask for help.

This meant I had to have the courage to let my guard down. To let go of the feeling of burden I was afraid to put on another. To remember that every single one of us has our hardships, and we actually want to be needed and helpful to another when we have the space.

It’s why we are here as humans. To give love and receive it. When I give someone the opportunity to love or support me, it gives them the chance to feel the fullness of my gratitude. To receive love back from me in return and feel needed and wanted as well. It is also the most solid reminder for both of us that we are never actually alone.

We need each other.

It is a practice for me to remember this. It’s also a practice to remind myself that I have been cared for far more often than I’ve been hurt. That those who have harmed me or left me had their own burdens to bear that I was not meant to be a part of. And that every time I do ask for help, like in my doctor’s office, and receive it wholeheartedly, I am able to keep myself filled and balanced to be able to help the people I care about even more.

I exhaled when my doctor acknowledged me. I knew it was safe to let her in, yet I still swallowed tears while I did so. Her validation of my challenge felt comforting; her support, the extra oxygen I needed. Knowing the value of support has never made it easy for me to ask, but it has made it easier.

As humans we are regularly encouraged to give, yet it is equally important to learn to receive. We need both to keep ourselves balanced and in flow so we can be the love we want to feel. To give is a powerful feeling, while receiving can make us feel a little vulnerable. That’s okay. The more courage we use to ask for help, the more strength we have to give out in return.

If you are feeling resistance to seeking help, ask yourself where your fear lies. Is it a current concern or is it one from the past? Does vulnerability make you uneasy or bring up insecurities you have around being judged or feeling like a burden? Or do you feel it’s hard for you to let your guard down and trust another?

When resistance lingers, choose people who’ve been loyal and consistently supportive in the past. If you don’t have any relationships like that, or if involving your personal relationships feels too uncomfortable, consider professional support. There are affordable and even free resources available, if money is an issue.

The key is to remember that you, too, deserve a place to be you and invite in the help that everyone needs at times. To release your burdens so you can stand back up and move forward with more ease and a lighter load. So you have the strength to be a support for others and also for yourself.

When feeling weighed down, ask for help—whatever that looks or feels like for you. The past may have taught you what you don’t want, but you have the power to choose what you do want in the present. There are people out there who you can rely on and who want to be there for you. They are simply waiting for you to ask.

So go ahead and let someone in. No one needs to or is expected to navigate this wild life alone. Not even you.

See more posts

About Lynn Reilly

Lynn Reilly is a Licensed Professional Counselor, Master Energy Therapist and Author of the self help book, 30 Days to Me and the children's book, The Secret to Beating the Dragon. You can subscribe to her blog and listen to her podcasts on livingwithserendipity.com as well as follow her on Facebook and Instagram.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post If You’re Afraid to Ask for Help Because You Don’t Trust People appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/h1PDVtk

How I Stopped Feeling Sorry for Myself and Shifted from Victim to Survivor

“When we deny out stories, they define us. When we own our stories, we get to write a brave new ending.” ~Brené Brown

There was a time when I felt really sorry for myself. I had good reason to be. My life had been grim. There had been so much tragedy in my life from a young age. I had lost all my grandparents young, lived in a home with alcoholism and domestic abuse, and to top it all off, my dad killed himself.

I could write you a long list of how life did me wrong. I threw myself a pity party daily in my thirties, with a load of food and wine. The story I was telling myself was that all this bad stuff had happened and I was unlucky in life and love. I told myself my life was doomed.

I believed if there was a God, he must have hated me because everybody around me had a perfect-looking life compared to me.

I felt like I was the only person who felt like this and couldn’t see any goodness in my life. I kept telling myself I was destined to be lonely and unfulfilled in my work life because I was just not good enough.

I took care of others in my family to give myself purpose, but inside I loathed it. It made me bitter and resentful. I didn’t do these things because I wanted to. I did them because I felt like I had to.

I thought this was who I was meant to be—the side act in everyone else’s story.

My peers were moving on with their lives, getting married, having babies, and buying houses. I was stuck in my pity party, in the sadness of the past, unable to move on. I felt like I did as a child—powerless, out of control of my life, and sad.

For as long as I could remember I felt anxiety and sadness. I would distract myself from these uncomfortable feelings with other people, TV, busyness, food, and later in life, alcohol.

I was a victim in childhood and then I continued to live as a victim into my thirties, blaming everyone else and God for my poor start in life. I blamed myself as well. If only I was enough, then my life would better.

There came a time when I couldn’t carry on the way I had been and had to take responsibility for my own life. My own story. It was time to get out of my own way. I was hitting rock bottom, and the time had come to either fight for my own happiness or follow the road my dad had taken.

My life felt pointless, but I finally listened to a voice within me that told me there was a way forward and got out of my own way.

This was the start of my spiritual and healing journey.

It all started with a simple internet search on how to feel better—mind, body, and soul.

Amongst the tips I found was the suggestion to practice daily gratitude. I started by writing down everything I had in that moment.

For a long time, I focused on all I didn’t have rather than what I did. But I had so much—great friendships, travel, love, a well-paid job, a nice home, and so much more. I ignored all the good stuff and it robbed me of what I did have. The present moment. But now my eyes were opening to all the light in my life.

I began to see and appreciate sunsets and sunrises. I looked for the good everywhere. Even in the darkness. I was searching for the light in every day. The more I looked the more I found.

I practiced gratitude when I found new information and practices. Podcasts, books, teachers, healers, therapy, and so much more. The more I said thank you, the more good things I found.

The story I was telling myself was changing.

Then I added meditation and mindfulness to my daily routine and began hearing my intuition more.

Before all I could hear was my fear, but this inner whisper was getting louder. Ideas would pop into my head like “I just don’t love myself,” and then I would see a quote from Louise Hay that resonated on social media. One led me to her book You Can Heal Your Life. I implemented the strategies in her book and then more tiny steps occurred to me in the quiet.

I said thank you every single time. I felt more supported by myself and the universe and less like a victim in my story.

The better I felt on the inside, the more opportunities I noticed.  I saw a job I liked advertised and rather than letting fear stop me, I listened to my intuition, which guided me “to just try.”

In the past I would have ignored it and thought “I wish.” This time I just went for it. Just like that I left a toxic work environment for a job more aligned with my values, offering more money.

I attracted better relationships and in time found love. After searching for more ways to feel good on the inside and change the way I saw my life and my world, I incorporated daily affirmations and walks in nature.

My reality kept changing as I changed within.  

Have you ever noticed how your body feels when you say, “My life is crap”? Your body contracts and you can almost feel the fear rising. But when you tell yourself, “There’s a lot of good in my life,” your body almost expands, and you can breathe.

Our words have a profound impact on us. Changing that narrative we tell ourselves changes everything

The new information that I discovered through my personal quest helped me to understand my past. I found people like Gabor Maté who explained concepts such as intergenerational trauma and addiction. This information helped me change the story I told myself around my childhood. It helped me understand my trauma.

I remember knowing from my intuition that my relationship with my dad needed my attention. Then I saw an advertisement for a new book, Father Therapy, by Doreen Virtue, which led me to inner child work. This helped me heal my younger self.

As I continued my quest to heal and feel better, I found new healing modalities like breathwork, EFT (emotional freedom tapping technique), and eye movement techniques.

I said thank you again and again and again.

All those years I spent as a victim to my story kept me stuck and unable to move forward. But now I was ready to change and expressing gratitude for the process. More was always finding its way to me. I now had so many tools that I never knew existed in the depths of my pity party.

It was not easy. I cried. Fear took over some days and I couldn’t access my intuition. But I would just start my quest again the next day, journaling to connect with myself and see what had happened the day before. What my feelings were and what I needed.

I showed myself love and compassion for my bad days and celebrated the good ones. No longer was I a victim of childhood abuse but a powerful survivor.

Yes, bad things happened to me. But they are not who I am; they are just part of my story. That story is what led me here, to this place where I’m now writing to you. I hope to inspire you and show you that it is possible to change your story, whatever it is; that there is so much guidance and support available to you when you are ready to find it. You really will see it everywhere when you start paying attention.

You too will see you also have an inner voice guiding you and access to everything you need to heal. When you start recognizing all the tools available to you, you’ll feel less alone and supported on your journey.

I no longer feel bitter about my experiences in my childhood, but proud. They made me who I am and have allowed me to help many others on their journey to heal from their past.

I have found forgiveness, love, and compassion for the people that hurt me, like my dad, which helps me feel happier. I didn’t have to forgive him. He did awful things, but I understand now they came from his trauma. This has given me great inner peace.

It takes courage and time to transform on the inside and become a trauma cycle breaker in your family. This means that your children will have a different experience. How amazing is that? What a great gift to give them.

The information, tips, guidance, and light are waiting for you to discover them. You just need to take the first step and decide to become the hero of your story and find your own heart’s happiness.

See more posts

About Manpreet Johal

Manpreet is the creator of the Heart’s Happiness podcast, where she talks about intergenerational trauma, and is also a coach who helps people make peace with their past and rewrite their story by learning how to love themselves. Download her FREE masterclass on Manifesting Happiness here. Join her supportive community to feel less alone on your healing journey. Learn more on her website and Instagram.

Web | Facebook | YouTube | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How I Stopped Feeling Sorry for Myself and Shifted from Victim to Survivor appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/69bDTYZ

Feeling Burnt Out? How to Slow Down and Reclaim Your Peace

“Burnout is a sign that something needs to change.” ~Sarah Forgrave

Fifteen years ago, my doctor informed me I was in the early stages of adrenal exhaustion. In no uncertain terms, she warned that if I failed to address the stress I was under, my adrenals might not recover. This was hard to hear, but it forced me to face the fact that eating well, exercising religiously, and keeping up with the latest research on wellness was not enough.

I had to ask myself a defining question that day: Am I ready to go down with the ship?

At the time, I was teaching an average of fourteen classes a week at my wellness studio. I had been exceeding my threshold for so long that I had pain in every joint and muscle in my body. I was completely exhausted, physically, mentally, and emotionally, but slowing down or cutting back was just not an option.

Or so I believed.

The problem was that every time I would even begin to consider addressing the reality of my situation, my head would instantly fill with all the reasons I couldn’t possibly stop.

There was the dream for a business I couldn’t imagine giving up. The huge amounts of time and money I had invested in realizing that dream. And most of all, there were the clients I was serving, a community of amazing women I loved working with and didn’t want to let go.

Meanwhile, my thirty-year marriage to a man struggling with an opioid addiction was falling apart. My kids were distressed. My body was completely breaking down, and my life had become a tangled mess of fears, conflicted feelings, and obligations I just didn’t have the heart for anymore.

As the growing pressure to do something about my situation increased, my anxiety increased right along with it. Talk about a pressure cooker!

I couldn’t even imagine the courage I would need to tell my husband I wanted a divorce. And whenever I got anywhere close to that courage, my mind would flood with anxiety over the uncertainty.

How would he react?

How would it affect my children?

Where would I live?

How would I ever rebuild my life?

It felt as if I was being buried alive under a growing mountain of complexity with no way out. So, the pain continued to get worse, and I kept trudging forward, blindly hoping against hope that somehow it would all work itself out (without changing anything about the way I was living).

Growing up I had learned to take the offensive and power through obstacles. I had always seen myself as someone who could do anything she put her mind to. Now I found myself stuck between the person who thought she was responsible for everyone’s experience but her own, and the person I might actually become if I started making self-valuing, authentic choices.

Then one morning, the dam broke.

I was walking up to the door of my studio to teach the 6:00 a.m. class, asking myself (like I did every morning) how I was going to get through the day with all the pain I was in.

As I turned the key in the lock of the business I had dreamed of creating for over a decade—the business I had built out of everything I believed in and everything I knew I wanted to offer to the world—I could see the consequences of my resistance to change about to swallow me whole. I could see that my fear of change was completely blocking my ability to see anything past that.

And suddenly… everything went quiet.  All the reasons for not stopping that typically flooded my mind just fell away.

The only thought I had in that moment was: The way you stop… is you stop.

I didn’t just hear these words; I felt an absolute acceptance of them. One minute it was impossible to stop, the next it felt like the simplest thing in the world.

In the quiet of this moment, I became so aware of my own breath that I felt it everywhere in my body. For the first time in as long as I could remember, I stopped. And when I did, I found the courage to listen to my aching heart.

I felt a depth of longing for peace I had never allowed myself to experience before. I stood there breathing and felt an acceptance of the reality of everything that was happening wash over me. The pressure to control it all was gone!

My mind was clear, and my body felt relaxed even as I faced the same facts of my situation, but without all the usual stories and justifications overwhelming me. It felt like a miracle.

Suddenly the door to my studio, that I had been walking through for years, felt like the door to an entirely new way. Standing there with my key in my hand, in the profound quiet of that moment, I was flooded with a new sense of possibility.

As I set up for the 6:00 a.m. class, I stayed focused on my breathing and continued to listen to my body. It became clear to me that when I wasn’t being honest with myself, my body responded by restricting my breath. And I was able to see how all the years of unaddressed tension were expressing themselves as escalating physical pain.

A New Direction

That morning, I didn’t just take a first step toward interrupting the old way. I began heading in a new direction.

But it still took me a year and a half to wind down my commitments and extricate myself from the studio. This was a massive transformation involving every aspect of my life, but it began with just one step—accepting that the old way was broken. Once I accepted this whole heartedly, I moved to the next step.

I had a friend who had moved back to town to take care of her aging mother. She was looking for a place to establish her yoga school and had already been teaching a couple classes a week at my studio while she looked for a more permanent place. On that pivotal morning, after I taught the 6:00 a.m. class, I called my friend and told her that I was stepping down, and that she could hold all her classes there.

I continued to pull back, one step at a time, constantly asking myself, “What can I let go of today?” (One day, the answer to this question was “my hair”!) Eventually my friend bought out my lease and took over completely.

This is not to say I did not continue to wrestle with self-doubt. But my intention to slow down, and to stop ignoring my tension, became my guiding compass point.

In the years that followed I relied on this compass to dive more deeply into the mind-body connection and what it truly means to take care of myself and be happy. My primary tool was the simple mindfulness practice of paying attention to my posture (whether it was tense or at ease) and my breath (restricted or free). I found strong community for this priority in the study and practice of Qigong, Tai Chi, and Continuum.

In the process, it became clear to me that to access the wisdom within, the first thing I had to do was slow down and calm down. This priority allowed me to be honest about the pressure I was putting on myself to keep doing things I no longer had the heart for, and to recognize the emotional reasons I was hanging onto them.

We all come to thresholds in our lives, times when we’re faced with tremendous pressure to change (or go down with the ship). When we refuse to change, the only other option is to increase our tolerance for suffering while convincing ourselves that it’s not affecting us as much as it really is. In this fantasy we tell ourselves we’ll make it (somehow) if we just keep powering through.

I’ve come to realize that it’s not about avoiding stress. It’s about increasing your ability to remain present and functional while stressful events are happening. The calmer you can be in the face of stress, the more resilient you’ll be and the less likely you’ll be to end up teetering on the edge of complete burnout like I was.

When we practice being present, we’re able to make more accurate moment-to-moment choices. We’re able to slow down and take an honest look at what needs to change. Which isn’t to say that it’s going to change in a minute, or a day, or a week, or even a year. The truth is that lasting change can often be a very gradual process.

How to Stop

I was able to stop by establishing new priorities. I made it a point to slow down, calm down, and really be honest about what I could eliminate. My process was essentially as follows:

1. Stop. (For the moment, anyway.) Acknowledge that before a new way can show itself, you have to find a way to stop the old way.

2. Acknowledge the pain you are in—emotional and physical.

3. Ask what you can let go of now and in the near future. (If the answer is “nothing,” then ask again.)

4. With “something has to give” as your mantra, what can you let go of next?

• Consider what you are physically and mentally capable of doing right now. (If the answer is “everything, if I push myself” then ask again.)
• Consider your life priorities and what you need to make room for.
• Consider what you no longer have a heart for.
• Consider that what you are holding on to tightest might be what really needs to go. Letting go of smaller things first often helps to relax your grip on even your strongest (and often unhealthy) attachments.

5. When the “yes, but…” voice shows up, be aware of it and do your best not to listen or take action based on what this voice says. This is the voice of your attachment to keeping an unsustainable system on life support. It’s fueled by your fear of uncertainty because if you stop what you’re doing, you’re not sure what will happen (and your “yes, but…” voice is certain it will be awful!).

6. Gather tools to help yourself detach enough from this voice to move toward accepting reality and make the changes needed to live a more authentic and satisfying life. (The Serenity Prayer is a good one.)

7. Remember that change is a process, not a single event. Start small, then graduate to bigger things that need to go.

—

I hope you’ll continue to play with the concept of stopping (the old way) to start (a better way). Every meaningful change hinges on your ability to interrupt the old pattern. You’ll learn to rely on this ability the more you practice using it.

Also keep in mind that you won’t necessarily know anything about the new way when you stop the old one. Change usually happens very slowly, and patience can be the hardest thing.

Good luck and feel free to reach out with questions or comments!

See more posts

About Meg Coyle

Meg Coyle is a pioneer in the field of body-centered mindfulness, offering wisdom, tools, and practices that help midlife women reclaim their confidence and restore inner peace. Her signature system, the Inner Peace Blueprint, changes the way the mind and emotions work, offering women a new set of responses to stress that truly support mental clarity and emotional calm, no matter what is happening in their lives. Access her free stress-mastery class at onebodyinc.com/courses-programs/

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Feeling Burnt Out? How to Slow Down and Reclaim Your Peace appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/fAvDwR3

Searching for Purpose? 5 Ways to Embrace Not Knowing What You Want

“Omnipotence is not knowing how everything is done; it’s just doing it.” ~Alan Watts

We sometimes hear of remarkable people who just knew what they wanted to become from a young age. I, however, was not one of them.

When I was about eight years old, I told my cousin that I wanted to become a scientist. Looking back, I find that pronouncement baffling since I wasn’t particularly interested in science at the time. What I did love doing, though, was making art.

My interest in art eventually led me to study graphic design. I thought that design would be a perfect fit since I’m creative and logical. But at a certain point, I realized that while design made some sense logically, it didn’t feel right to me.

I wondered, how could I have put so much time and effort into something I didn’t enjoy doing? It was only much later that I recognized my error: I believed that I had to have everything figured out completely.

Embracing Not-Knowing

What do you do when you realize what you worked so hard to attain isn’t what you want anymore? In this situation, many feelings may come up. I felt despair, fear, anger, resentment, sadness, hopelessness, and desperation.

These powerful emotions can overwhelm us and bring us into a state of paralysis. I remember wanting to pivot, but seeing numerous obstacles before me. If I make a drastic change now, I will have to start from zero, I thought.

I believe those thoughts and emotions stem from putting too much emphasis on the need to know. In the book The Overweight Brain, Lois Holzman, Ph.D., describes how our obsession with knowing “constrains creativity and risk-taking, keeps us and our dreams and ideas small, and stops us from continuing to grow and learn new things.”

As Holzman explains, infants don’t know much of anything. However, they grow tremendously in a relatively short period. They can develop this way by “not-knowing growing,” which one does through play.

Learning to Play Again

Let’s think for a moment. When you play a game, do you want to know what will happen next? If you did, then the game wouldn’t be any fun—there would be no point in playing it.

After working for seven years in my full-time job, I ended up quitting with nothing lined up and no idea of what to do next. Leaving your day job like this isn’t something I would suggest to everyone. But for me, it felt like the best thing to do at the time.

Taking a risk like that was exhilarating. I felt like a newborn child, free to explore the world and its possibilities again.

Before I made that decision, I used to sit in my office thinking, once I figure out what I want to do, I’ll be able to take some action. But I didn’t need to figure anything out. I just needed to begin by exploring.

As I tried many new things, I gained insight into who I was becoming. By interacting with the world with openness and curiosity, I found the clarity I needed to create my life with purpose.

Five Ways to Embrace Not-Knowing

So, how do you start embracing not-knowing to realize your true potential? Here are five ways for you to consider.

1. Question your situation.

Notice the assumptions you’re making about what is and isn’t possible. Like a child, be curious about what opportunities are already available at this moment. Instead of thinking, “Things can’t change because (some reason),” ask yourself: “I wonder what would happen if I said this… looked that way… went over there… tried this and that…?”

2. Take tiny risks.

You don’t have to quit your job to find a sense of purpose. Once you’ve identified the possibilities by questioning your situation, see what would happen if you did something different.

For example, if you’re passionate about diversity, inclusion, and belonging, how can you contribute to supporting that in your current role, or even outside your job? Perhaps you can spark a conversation about it with a few people. Because the risk is low, you may feel a rush of excitement from breaking your regular pattern.

3. Alchemize the experiences you’ve gained.

If you lose interest in something you worked hard for, realize that it wasn’t all for naught. Think instead, “Okay, so this is how I feel about it right now. How can I transmute this thing by combining it with other elements to produce something new and life-affirming?”

For example, I already had design and writing skills. I also had an interest in anthropology, psychology, learning, and human development. So, I tried to combine my existing skills with my interest in learning and human development to become an instructional designer. That pivot eventually led me to join a team in designing an online course that teaches intercultural skills to internationally trained professionals.

4. Give an improv performance.

If you’re a person who feels the need to plan everything, see if you can give an improv performance of a different version of yourself. For example, you can perform the version of yourself that finds the unknown exciting. Go out and walk like that version of you, speak like that version of you, listen like that version of you, eat like that version of you.

If it helps, imagine that you are an actor in a movie scene.

5. Do something unexpected.

Do you have a routine that you follow? What if you broke out of that routine for one day? Choose a day when you have no plans and do something that would surprise people who know you well. Maybe you will end up having a conversation with a total stranger and make a new friend.

Final Thoughts

From my journey, I’ve learned that not knowing what we want isn’t a sign that something’s wrong. It’s an invitation to walk the path of self-discovery. The journey is not a straight line—there are twists and turns, and sometimes we find ourselves at crossroads.

Remember that we are constantly in a state of becoming. We can shape each instance of our life by choosing to stay open, be curious, and explore the world with a sense of child-like wonder, which releases us from the confines of the mind.

Living this way, we give ourselves the space to grow into our true potential.

See more posts

About Thomas Lai

Thomas Lai is the founder of Lifted Being. Through coaching, he helps creative and sensitive people who feel stuck, unfulfilled, and overwhelmed to start living an authentic and meaningful life. In addition to mindfulness practices and non-dual embodiment work, he offers tools and resources that help people navigate life transitions, such as the Self-Discovery Guide. Visit his website at www.liftedbeing.ca 

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post Searching for Purpose? 5 Ways to Embrace Not Knowing What You Want appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/2qFzg7t

3 Things I Realized When I Stopped People-Pleasing and Let Myself Receive

“Until we can receive with an open heart, we are never really giving with an open heart.” ~Brene Brown

The honest truth about needing to please is that we do it to make other people happy. We will sacrifice everything and anything to put a smile on another’s face and lighten their load, while ours keeps building.

The only problem is that while helping others makes us feel good, it’s almost addictive until we are burnt out. And giving and pleasing others starts to come from a place of resentment.

I’ve been there!

There was a time when I used to come up with a thousand reasons why I couldn’t leave the house. I was desperate to get to a yoga class and claim an hour away from being a mum, wife, friend, and entrepreneur.

But instead, I prioritized keeping my kids happy and did everything I could to avoid the onset of a tantrum and also made sure my husband sat down to a delicious, home-cooked meal each night. And when the kids were napping, I would use that time to do a little work.

The routine started to get boring. I complained daily. I was grumpy and irritable.

Yet the days kept coming and I started to drag my feet. The tasks were mundane and never-ending, and they started to get on my nerves. I’d lash out at the washing machine or slap together a half-assed attempt at dinner. And I wasn’t just overextended and resentful in my home life. My clients were taking advantage of me, and my friends sucked my energy dry.

I kept showing up for everyone around me—striving to keep the peace, to keep them happy, while I was worried that I might let them down or wasn’t living up to their expectations. Yet with a whole lot of hindsight, I discovered that I had placed all this pressure on my shoulders myself.

Denying myself a sixty-minute yin yoga class was the stupidest thing I had ever done. It still sounds ridiculous now. But at the time, I couldn’t see any solutions. I had tunnel vision and it didn’t revolve around me.

I felt like I didn’t deserve the break.

I felt responsible for everyone around me.

I was unsure what would happen if I left our house for an hour and what I would walk back into after leaving my two young kids alone with my husband.

Each afternoon, I was an emotional wreck by the time my husband came home. Being the problem solver that he is, he encouraged me to go and find a class—as if it was that simple. I thought, “What does he know anyway? He has no idea about all the things I still have to do.”

But I eventually realized he was right. I needed a break, and I had to get out of my own way and take it.

Finding a class was easier than I had imagined. There were loads to choose from and all kinds. I settled on a 4:30 p.m. class on a Friday, that was only a five-minute bike ride away.

I remember walking through those yellow doors to find only me, two other people, and a smiley yoga teacher.

Ahhh, I relaxed. I rolled out my mat and lay down because it was a yin restorative practice. We lay there for what seemed a lifetime. I spent it fighting with my mind to not think about what might be happening at home, my to-do list, my kids, the grocery list, my work… Thankfully, we finally got moving and I started to tune into the music.

The class was literally six poses of deep stretching and rest, and it was a challenge to surrender instead of extending each pose.

My mind focused on how to allow my limbs to soften even in a standing pose that we held for a good five minutes. Not collapsing took every ounce of concentration I had.

I took big belly breaths, in to fill my lungs and out to gently soften.

In the final fifteen minutes we had a deep meditation (savasana), with the yoga teacher coming around to us individually, massaging the back of our necks to the bottom of our skulls. She finished it off by pressing her two warm hands down on my shoulders as if she was pushing me back into the ground. Tears began streaming down my face as she walked away.

I had fully surrendered and left my mind to be in the present moment, and her touch released the stress and burden I was carrying. It was an intense moment, and I felt joyful and at peace. I had literally forgotten that I had to return to my family only minutes later.

That class changed me as a mother and a wife.

I went back every week religiously after that. I saw the power of connecting with my breath and myself. Because that one hour reset each week was enough to fill up my cup and change how I was showing up for myself and others.

My daily chores didn’t bother me anymore. I had more love to give my kids and partner. I had a renewed sense of energy. When someone asked for help, I had the capacity to give because I wanted to instead of seeing it just as another task I had to do.

Once I learned to receive, which meant surrendering my responsibility and need to control and allowing myself a little love, I discovered that I often denied myself other things, like going out for walk or catching up with friends. And this is where I had to lean in deeper and question what it means to receive. Here is what I realized.

Accepting Help

It is not a sign of weakness to ask for help or receive it, and I don’t need to prove myself or my worth through giving.

I really felt like I was doing life alone, taking on the responsibility of everyone around me and driving myself into the ground. People would make kind gestures to help, but I would often shut them down with an “I’ve got it covered, thanks.”

The day my husband stepped in to wash the dishes after I shared that I had a looming deadline, he practically threw me out of the kitchen. I felt so guilty, like I should be the one doing them, not him.

What I thought was a one-time deal has now lasted three years. It has lightened my load, and our relationship has been better because I no longer feel like I’m the one doing all the things.

Accepting help is receiving an energetic exchange with someone that wants to offer support. So take it.

Acknowledging Compliments

Too often, I would deflect when someone would say something nice to me. I found it uncomfortable, and it made me question their ability to see what was really happening.

I didn’t feel like I deserved a compliment because I didn’t see myself like others did. I didn’t feel worthy of being praised, so I brushed it off with, “No worries, it was nothing,” “I would do it for anyone,” or “This old thing? I bought it on sale five years ago.”

Learning to receive a compliment showed me that I could be honored and celebrated for who I am and that there was nothing to be ashamed of. I thought that people who received compliments looked nothing like me and were doing more important work than little old me. But I learned that compliments are praise, and we all deserve to feel seen, heard, and acknowledged.

Realizing I’m Not Responsible for Everything

Here was my greatest lesson, which was letting go of my need to control all situations. The responsibility I carried, because I felt it was my job to make everyone happy, was costing me my physical and mental health along with my relationships.

When I released the control, it created space for things to happen without my interference. It provided space for me to see how others could step up and take responsibility, for mutual needs and their own. It gave me permission to invest in my own well-being.

Instead of over-giving, fixing, and manipulating, I stood back. From here I could see that life is a two-way street where we exchange our energy with one another. This allows us to give from a full, nourished heart, and this is much more satisfying than giving from a sense of fear and obligation.

—

Opening our hearts to receive eliminates our tendency to over-give. When we give without our full presence, we are not showing up fully for ourselves or for other people.

We all love to support the people we care about, but we need to receive just as much as we give, creating a balance that never leaves us feeling drained or that we “should” be doing something.

Do you find it hard to receive? What helps you let go of control and fill your own cup?

See more posts

About Lizzie Moult

Lizzie Moult is a Writer, Storyteller & Educator at www.lizziemoult.com. She illuminates the energetic dance between our minds and bodies and what it takes to trust ourselves fully - Basically, she wakes up people’s feelings and gets them in touch with the boundaries they need to draw. She’s also the author of The People Pleasers Guide to Freedom and created the FREE People Pleaser Personality QUIZ to unlock your habits.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post 3 Things I Realized When I Stopped People-Pleasing and Let Myself Receive appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/aG5FmJz

20 Inspiring Acts of Kindness and Giveaway Winners for HumanKind

Last week I ran a giveaway for Brad Aronson’s HumanKind: Changing the World One Small Act at a Time—a heartwarming book that highlights ordinary people doing extraordinary things and offers practical tips for everyday kindness.

I had ten books to give away—four for the blog, three for Facebook, and three for Instagram—and I invited you all to share an act of kindness you’d recently received or witnessed for a chance to win. The four blog winners, chosen at random, are:

• Tracy Steen
• MichaelannD
• Annette
• Amber Harmon

Please email me at email (at) tinybuddha.com so I can get a book out to you!

If you didn’t win a copy, I highly recommend you grab one for yourself or a loved one here (perhaps as a Mother’s Day gift to thank your mom for her kindness, or a graduation gift to help someone create a sense of purpose grounded in love).

There’s a reason HumanKind has over 1,300 ratings on Amazon and endorsements from Deepak Chopra, Gabby Bernstein, and Neil Pasricha, among others. As one reviewer wrote, “It’s a feel good, do good book.”

Judging from the stories many of you shared last week, I know you all appreciate little reminders that there’s a lot of love in the world, and HumanKind is cholk-full of them.

Since you may not have seen the entries on social media, and I was deeply moved by the acts of kindness shared, I decided to post ten from each platform here on the blog. I hope they give you all the feels and boost your mood as they lifted mine!

Acts of Kindness Shared on Instagram

1. The last time we were in a metro, I stood up and gave my seat to an old lady. My eight-year-old boy observed this and kept quiet. A few weeks later, we were on a bus that carries people to the plane from the airport, and my boy stood up even before me to help an aged uncle with his bag and offered him his seat. He looked at me and winked like “I got this.” I felt so proud! ~@thearistochique

2. I’m now in a wheelchair and can’t do a lot of things around my house without pain. My neighbor came over yesterday and cleaned my house. I was in tears being that I was so grateful. ~@susan1228r

3. One afternoon my boss told me to log off and spend the last couple of hours in self-care. Amazing act of kindness. ~@brensiegollihue

4. After a tragic loss in my family, my students welcomed me back to class by filling the whiteboard with sweet and encouraging messages. I don’t think I’ll want to erase them! ~@christa_ha

5. I recently found out in January I have Stage 3 kidney disease. I have to watch my sugar to keep it under control. Yesterday was my birthday. I was a little sad because I knew I wouldn’t be able to have a birthday cake. One of my coworkers showed up and surprised me with a sugar-free birthday cake. Her thoughtfulness really touched me. ~vanellaj5

6. When I was walking my dog last week, someone randomly gave me a dog toy they found on the ground (a rubber ball that looks like a baseball). Today, I took that ball with me to the dog park and donated it as a community toy for all dogs to play with. ~@saira.ashlee

7. My boyfriend is incredibly selfless, he is always, always, always trying to help others. He recently helped a homeless person get gloves because their hands were in terrible shape from being on the streets so long. During their interaction, the man mentioned to my boyfriend he wanted to call his dad. My boyfriend called, and the father was ecstatic was there within fifteen mins to pick his son up. I told my boyfriend his kindness reunited that family, and he cried. ~coco__magnolia

8. My landlord recently put a lock on the outside faucet so that I had to trek up and down the stairs from my apartment to water the few plants in the garden. The old lady downstairs noticed, filled eight one-gallon water bottles, and left them for me on the front steps. The plants were delighted, and so was I! ~@avabearbooks

9. After having extreme hair loss following an extended COVID-related hospitalization, my spirits were low (along with my physical strength and lung capacity). Not only did friends cycle through safely to drop off meals for my family, I was also gifted handmade hair scarves and coverings.  ~@greenalien5000

10. Our car repairman fixed our daughter’s car for free because he heard we were donating it to a boy who had cancer. Then he gave us plane tickets to fly home. ~@indy_blau

Acts of Kindness Shared on Facebook

11. As a voluntary support person for refugees, I have been amazed at people’s heartfelt willingness to help those arriving from war zones. Recently a woman—a single parent on a very basic income herself—donated a pram, highchair, toys, and clothes to the point that my car could not have held any more. The refugee family were in awe, and so was I. There is a lot of goodness in this troubled world. ~@Päivi Kinnunen

12. My husband and I aren’t very plant-savvy, but we have a next-door neighbor who is! Our yard is much larger than theirs, but we don’t do anything special with it because we wouldn’t know where to begin. After several conversations about how we admire their garden and plants, our neighbor surprised us by planting a line of lilac bushes along the edge of our yard, and they’re now starting to bloom! ~@Melanie Hersh

13. I am a paraprofessional in a high school where there are a lot of kids that come from rough households. I donated five prom dresses and I am doing makeup for the girls’ day of free of charge. ~@Jessica Ryan

14. I am a nurse at a cancer clinic and watched one patient buy an obviously underserved patient lunch. The recipient was so grateful. ~@Kim Pirie

15. I was in line at a grocery store, and I didn’t have enough money on my card. I was ready to put a few items back when the man behind me came up and slid his debit card to cover all my groceries—about $40 worth. That was so beautiful, a random act of kindness by a stranger. I plan on paying it forward when I can. ~@Susan Mahony

16. We babysit two girls. One was upset over having lost her paci. Her younger sister popped out her own paci, stuck it in her sister’s mouth, and sitting side-by-side, put her arm around her sister. ~@Cindy Kline

17. We live in a small West Virginia town, and an elderly townsperson hadn’t been seen out and about. She was a regular at the local library. The librarian was worried and knew that this person had health issues and no mode of transportation. She hadn’t been to the library for two days. They reached out to me. and I investigated with law enforcement, and we found her at home—no heat and no water.

Local law enforcement delivered milk, bread, and personal hygiene products. We offered to put her in a local motel while we restored heat and water. She declined and thanked us for the offer. Local contractors volunteered to help with heat and to repair water pipes. Adult protective services helped with the situation too. I am proud of our community for working together to help a neighbor in need. This is what community is all about! ~@Bill Dawson

18. I was trying to make a left turn onto a busy road when the next driver saw a break in traffic and slowed to let me turn. A very kind rush hour gesture. I then paid it forward by allowing someone to turn in front of me. We can all use a little rush hour kindness! ~@Lisa Pogge Bragano

19. My eighty-four-year-old mother helps make “Mercy Meals” for people who are sick, elderly, or have been in the hospital, to make sure they get a nutritious and satisfying meal until they are back on their feet again. ~@Ryan Sherbrooke

20. The kindest thing I’d ever received was when I was getting ready to transition from a job. Instead of a going away present, a thoughtful coworker gave me ten $20 Walmart gift cards with a card that said, “You always seem to know where help/kindness is needed.” My kids helped me carefully choose where each card should go—and really loved giving the last three away to random folks while shopping. I’m tearing up just thinking of the ripple her kindness sent forth! ~@Brooke Hall

—

I don’t know about you, but I can’t get enough stories like these—tiny reminders that the world is full of good people who care and want to help. That’s why I love HumanKind. It’s the kind of book that fills you with hope and joy and inspires you to pay it forward, and the book itself is a kindness story, with all author royalties going to Big Brother, Big Sister.

Thank you, Brad, for this gift to the world—and thank you to everyone who shared a story here and on social media!

**Some entries were slightly edited for grammar or length.

See more posts

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal, Tiny Buddha's Worry Journal, and other books and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post 20 Inspiring Acts of Kindness and Giveaway Winners for HumanKind appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/KuOcPRx

How I’m Coping with Grief by Finding Meaning in My Father’s Death

“Life has to end, love doesn’t.” ~Mitch Albom

Before we dive into the dark subject of death, let me assure you, this is a happy read. It is not about how losing a loved one is a blessing but how it can be a catalyst to you unlocking big lessons in your life.

Or maybe it is—you decide.

To me, this is just about a perspective, a coping mechanism, and a process that I am personally employing to get over the loss of a loved one.

My dad and I were best buds till I became a teenager. Then my hormones and “cool life” became a barrier between our relationship. I became busy and distant, and so did he. It continued until recently.

My dad’s health went downhill fast in a couple of months.

I could see him waning away, losing himself, losing this incessant war against so many diseases all alone. We (my family and friends) were there for him, trying to support him with whatever means possible.

But maybe it was his time

The last time I saw my father he was in a hospital bed, plugged into different machines, unable to breathe, very weak. It felt like I was in a movie—one of the ones with tragic endings. And the ending was indeed tragic.

I clearly remember every single detail of the day my dad passed away. I remember how he looked, what the doctor said, who was around me, how my family was, and how fast it all happened.

It shattered me. Losing a parent is something you can never prepare yourself for, ever.

I was broken. I had people around holding me together, but I could only feel either of the two feelings: anger or sadness.

Where did he go? How fragile are we humans? Did he want to say something to me that day? Was he in pain? Was there something I could have done for him? Why is death so bizarre? Why do people we love die and leave this huge vacuum in our lives?

It’s been four months since he passed away. And now, I think I see why.

I have come to the realization—due to the support of my therapist, my family, my partner, and my friends—that death is meaningless until you give it a meaning.

Let me explain that.

Usually, after experiencing the loss of a loved one, we go through a phase of grief. How we deal with death and experience grief is a very personal and subjective experience.

I cannot outline tips for all; maybe your therapist or a mental health professional can guide you better on this.

But, in my experience, grieving and dealing with death come with a bag full of opportunities. I don’t mean to give death a happy twist. To set the record straight, I believe death sucks.

Losing a loved one feels like losing a part of yourself. It is a difficult, painful, deeply shaking experience that no one can prepare you for.

However, in my experience, grieving is a process with many paths. A few common paths are:

• I experienced losing a loved one, so I will now respect life even more.
• I experienced losing a loved one, and it was awful, everything is awful, and I wish I was dead too.
• I experienced losing a loved one, and I don’t know how to feel about this yet.

I was on the third path.

I constantly felt the need to be sad, to grieve, to lie in bed and cry all day

But interestingly, there were also days when I felt that I needed to forget what had happened, live my life, and enjoy it as much as I could, because #YOLO (You Only Live Once).

I felt the pressure to behave and act a certain way. Now that my dad was no more, I needed to act serious, mature, responsible. Now that my dad was no more, I needed to stop focusing on going out, partying, and taking trips with friends and instead save money, settle down, and take better care of my family’s health.

I did not know how I was supposed to feel or to grieve.

Then one night, the realization hit me. (Of course, all deep realizations happen during nighttime, you know it.)

Maybe death is meaningless until I provide it a meaning—a meaning that serves me to cope, to grow, and to let go.

After reading several books, sharing this with loved ones, talking to my therapist, and journaling about this realization for several days, I realized another significant thing.

The process of finding meaning in death is like any other endeavor—you try several things until one works out.

So, I laid out all possible meanings that seemed logically or emotionally sound to me.

And here came the third great realization: Our loved ones want nothing but the best for us. Honoring yourself, investing in yourself, making yourself a better version of yourself is the best way to honor your lost loved ones.

No matter how complicated our relationships with them were, people who genuinely loved and cared about us would want us to love and take care of ourselves.

My dad cannot say it to prove me right on this, but I am pretty sure all he wanted was to see his family happy. See me working on myself, getting better at taking care of myself, and growing into a better human being.

So, after this perspective shift, things became simpler.

Now, death is no longer meaningless to me.

My dad’s death brought me the golden realization that it’s time to upgrade myself, make myself better, and maybe implement some of his best values into my value system.

I have reflected upon this for weeks. I have started working on this too.

On a micro level, I am aware and conscious of how sucky death is. I saw it pretty close, but I now grasp the value of life. I am grateful for this newfound respect for life, however cliched that might sound. And on a macro level, I also know that even my death can also serve a purpose to someone’s life; it could help them ponder, reflect, and probably set things right for themselves.

The moral of the story is that death is dark and sad but can also be beautiful. It is just a matter of perspective.

It can be the storm that rocks your boat and makes you drown, but it can also be the light that guides you back to your purpose.

This last section is for people who are grieving right now. I am aware that I cannot fathom what you are going through; losing a loved one is personal and subjective. But I wish to help you out in whatever little capacity I can.

Here’s a quick list of things that are helping me. If you do decide to give these things a try, please share your experience in the comments.

Write everything down—your memories, your frustrations, your feelings.

Every time you think of that person, pull that thought out of your mind and put it onto the paper, even if it is just in one line. When faced with a loss, we often shut down and avoid our feelings instead of acknowledging how the trauma of losing a loved one is affecting us. Putting your feelings onto paper will help you work through them so you’re better prepared to handle the next set of challenges life has in store for you.

Seek professional help in whatever form you can.

Why? Because a professional is much better equipped than your friends and family. You can see a therapist and reach out to your friends for help too.

Do what you feel more than you feel what you do.

There will be times when you feel like doing something unexpected and fun, but once you start doing it, you will feel guilt, shame, and self-judgment. Doing what you feel like doing and not overthinking about how you are feeling while doing it allows you to let go. Read this again to understand it better.

Keep track to remain patient.

Grieving and getting over a loved one’s death requires a long process for many of us. It can get frustrating to constantly and consciously work on it. But if you can maintain a log of your progress— your tiny steps like making an effort to socialize, sitting with your feelings, or writing about your thoughts and sharing this with someone you trust—this can keep you aware, grounded, and patient for the long ride.

Lastly, live your life.

Circling back to the original theme, your loved ones just want you to be happy. So do things that make you happy. This could be as simple as getting an ice cream from the same place you used to visit together and reminiscing on the good times. Or as radical as getting your ducks in a row, showing up for that job interview, taking care of your body, joining the gym, and working on your mental health as well.

At the end of the day (or life), we are all going to be floating in a pool of our memories, so make memories and enjoy life.

And try finding the meaning of death. Ensure that meaning makes you rise one step above and closer to the person your loved ones imagined you to be. #YOLO

See more posts

About Jas Kiran

Jas Kiran is a literature student and self-help practitioner who shares practical tips to unlock our potentials and become better versions of ourselves. She shares her personal experiences on trying practical self-help practices like meditation, bullet journaling, and conscious living on her Instagram account: https://www.instagram.com/jzenmillenial/?hl=en.

More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How I’m Coping with Grief by Finding Meaning in My Father’s Death appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/sdTx02b

How I Overcame My Psychic Addiction and Stopped Giving My Power Away

“If you’re looking for a sign from the universe, and you don’t see one, consider it a sign that what you really need is to look inside yourself.” ~Lori Deschene

I used to have no idea what I should do. About anything. I would go from friend to friend running polls:

Should I be a solo singer or in a group?

Is this guy the one?

Should I do this job or that job?

Should I stay in LA or move to Vancouver?

Should I get bangs?

On and on it went. It wasn’t that I wanted validation. It was that I had no clue what I should do. Or, if I did know, I would quickly override it with endless doubt. I’d loop:

“Maybe that isn’t the right decision. What if you’re wrong. Maybe it’s better if you do this.”

It didn’t stop, and I couldn’t get it right. If only someone would just help a girl out. Surely, they’d know what’s best for me.

There was a period of time (okay, years) when I had a serious psychic addiction. I would go from tarot reader to intuitive to tea reader to whatever else held the key to my life and purpose. Numerology, astrology, palm reader, random aliens, or angels—you name it, I doled out cash for it. It was my favorite hobby.

Years back, I went through a breakup, and I had very important questions like, “When is he coming back?”

I made some serious rounds through the LA tarot circuit. I found one reader that I bonded with at the now-closed Bodhi Tree (still grieving the loss…way longer than that ex). I liked her a lot, and because her readings gave me the kernel of hope I needed, she was the one, and I was hooked. It was like her cards magically tapped into my ex! In the first reading. She said, “Looks like you will be seeing him very soon.”

Then I saw him on Melrose.

What?

Ding, ding, ding. She was the direct line, and I needed more. She just did it so well, tuning into my future.

Every time I saw her, I knew I would get exactly what I needed. A hit, a bump—I could relax, knowing all was well with my existence. My future was all figured out. The love would return, fame was destined, and money would soon pour in. So I started going more and more. She only worked a few times a week, but I often made sure my name was on that appointment list.

Then one day, it happened. It was the wake-up call that I needed but hadn’t prepared for.

I got to the Bodhi Tree before her shift (I knew her schedule, of course), and since they weren’t yet open, I hung out on the sidewalk waiting. I needed to get to her first.

My heart sped up with excitement when I saw her gliding down the sidewalk. The Tarot Queen, the one who held my future in her hands, walked toward me, obviously flanked with fairies and magic dust.

Though we were the only two people on the sidewalk, she took a few moments to see me. I smiled, waved with enthusiasm, and walked toward her.

Her gaze met mine, and we locked eyes. And for just a quick moment, she held my gaze. And then it happened. Her face kind of contorted, and she jumped back a bit. She was surprised or worse, scared when she saw me.

She was scared to see me.

Not the “OMG, I didn’t see you, and you startled me” kind but an “Oh no, this person is stalking me” look. She had panicked eyes. She was one thousand percent making a judgment call, and it was that I had gone way too far with the readings, and she was worried, perhaps for herself.

She had become my drug, and I had come for my fix—she was doling out oracles for a reality that did not currently exist. The future. She played it off that day (oh yes, I got my reading), but it was a sight I couldn’t unsee.

You know when someone you’re paying rejects you that something is off. It’s like those stories about drug dealers cutting their clients off in the hopes they go to rehab. You almost can’t believe it and assume it’s a myth until you get a first-hand account of one of these unicorn scenarios.

Of course, an addiction to the need to know isn’t going to land me a DUI, but it wasn’t leading me to self-confidence and rock-solid intuition. Besides, wake-up calls come in all different “hello, notice me” alerts.

Sometimes you just need a giant slap in the face with a deck of goddess cards to get you back on track.

Now just to be fully transparent, that was not the end of my psychic run. It was the end of my time with her because I hate to look bad, but it didn’t stop me from getting advice from wherever I could. However, it did make an impression.

And just to further drive the transparency home, when I was over that guy, there was another. And another that I sought advice for “out there,” whether it was with a Love Tarot deck or a friend that I thought somehow knew something I didn’t. Here’s what I didn’t know…

No one outside of yourself knows what your answers are.

No one.

Not a one.

Things just take the time they need to take, and we need to learn what we’re meant to learn. It’s the healing and completion that matter, not the time required.

My overthinking, obsessive mind and love of all things spiritual led me to an amazing teacher that helped me shift to my inner knowing instead of needing constant outside approval.

She was strongly opposed to psychics. She had spent many years as one but quit when she had the realization that people stopped living when they were told something about their potential future.

If someone hears “Your soulmate is a blond man with an accent,” they then cease giving anyone else the time of day and might miss an amazing dark-haired guy in the process. That blond could be coming, but he may not. Psychics are sometimes accurate, but they are not perfect. No one is.

Aren’t we all just swinging in the dark?

And things change. A clairvoyant might have seen a glimmer of something that you might quickly grow out of or change course from. Nothing is permanent, and we can change our current path in a moment.

My spiritual teacher used the term “corner store drug dealers” when describing psychics. They provide an easy-to-find, quick fix of the most addictive and popular drug (the who, what, where, when, and why) that comes in the form of your juicy future. One hit at a time.

After many busy years in that business, she didn’t want to co-sign it anymore. So she walked away because it removed people from their present moment. She wanted to encourage people to tap into their own intuition—something she believed only came from life experience in the “now.” She rarely ever told me something I couldn’t feel for myself, and she did her best to guide me toward my true instinct.

It was a gift I could never repay. Something I could never have gotten from a reading.

Does this mean I’m psychic-free? No, I’m not, but I get them for entertainment now. I like to get a reading on my birthday most years. I got one in New Orleans (isn’t that rite of passage?), and I’ll never turn down a tarot party. I’ll get one, but I don’t shift my life to fit the prediction.

Readings are also helpful when used as a real-life pendulum. Like, “Did I like what she just said? Do I want it to be true”? Great, then move in that direction regardless of any outcome. It’s just a clue to what feels right and good.

However, despite all this “look at how I’ve changed” wisdom, I recently fell prey to my old ways. This past August I went to a sought-after channeler to celebrate my birthday. As much as I wanted to just toss her expensive words into the fun psychic basket with the rest, I found myself in that all too familiar feeling of my past.

Maybe it was because it was hard to score an appointment, or because she has a high accuracy rate, or perhaps because I was feeling directionless in general. Regardless of why, when she told me that Nashville was where I’d be by Christmas, I just couldn’t shake her prediction.

Here’s the catch, my husband didn’t want to go, and he wasn’t budging. But, but, but…I needed to get there. After months of Zillow shopping and spinning out of any intuition I had left, I came up with a genius idea.

Go back for another reading. Say nothing and see if she still sees Nashville. She was, after all, in a trance, so she would never remember. When a spot opened on her waiting list, I jumped at the chance.

Drumroll. This session did not include Nashville in the near future.

I was so relieved. Not because I will or will not eventually live in Nashville. Or Milan or London or anywhere else in the world. But because the choice was mine again. It always was, but I had given my power away to someone else. She’s a lovely person too, by the way—this was all on me. We create our own destiny. We create our futures. No one else.

Only we truly know our own answers. And we can change our minds whenever we want.

Even my psychic relapse bestowed a gift. I am even clearer about what feels right for me now. I just needed a reminder that I am the only one making decisions for my life. So any future readings will be a fun check-point for my intuition. And believe me, I’d be thrilled if something came true, but no prediction ever has…

Well, I did see that ex on Melrose that one time. But other than that, nothing. Not a thing.

See more posts

About Sara ONeil

Sara ONeil is a casting director for reality television (NBC, Bravo, Playboy, WEtv, MTV, BET, VH1 and more) and some movies (Death Link, Just Swipe, Wolf Mountain) but moonlights as a spiritual junkie passionately writing about love, codependency, vibration, and all things growth. She is the author of the female empowerment book There is a Woman and co-author of the dating book When the F Will He Text (And How to Know if He's Worth the Wait). www.saraoneil.com

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

The post How I Overcame My Psychic Addiction and Stopped Giving My Power Away appeared first on Tiny Buddha.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/3dZntyr