5 Powerful Mindset Shifts to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” ~Lao Tzu

We carefully pick out what we wear to the gym to make sure we look good in the eyes of the other gym goers.

We beat ourselves up after meetings running through everything we said (or didn’t say), worried that coworkers will think we aren’t smart or talented enough.

We post only the best picture out of the twenty-seven selfies we took and add a flattering filter to get the most likes to prove to ourselves that we are pretty and likable.

We live in other people’s heads.

And all it does is make us judge ourselves more harshly. It makes us uncomfortable in our own bodies. It makes us feel apologetic for being ourselves. It makes us live according to our perception of other people’s standards.

It makes us feel inauthentic. Anxious. Judgmental. Not good enough. Not likable enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough.

F that sh*t.

The truth is, other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. Their opinions have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their past, their judgments, their expectations, their likes, and their dislikes.

I could stand in front of twenty strangers and speak on any topic. Some of them will hate what I’m wearing, some will love it. Some will think I’m a fool, and others will love what I have to say. Some will forget me as soon as they leave, others will remember me for years.

Some will hate me because I remind them of their annoying sister-in-law. Others will feel compassionate toward me because I remind them of their daughter. Some will completely understand what I have to say, and others will misinterpret my words.

Each of them will get the exact same me. I will do my best and be the best I can be in that moment. But their opinions of me will vary. And that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

No matter what I do some people will never like me. No matter what I do some people will always like me. Either way, it has nothing to do with me. And it’s none of my business.

Ok, “that’s all well and good” you may be thinking. “But how do I stop caring what other people think of me?”

1. Know your values.

Knowing your top core values is like having a brighter flashlight to get you through the woods. A duller light may still get you where you need to go, but you’ll stumble more or be led astray.

With a brighter light the decisions you make—left or right, up or down, yes or no—become clearer and easier to make.

For years I had no idea what I truly valued, and I felt lost in life as a result. I never felt confident in my decisions, and I questioned everything I said and did.

Doing core values work on myself has made a huge impact on my life. I came to realize that “compassion” is my top core value. Now when I find myself questioning my career decisions because I’m worried about disappointing my parents (a huge trigger for me), I remind myself that “compassion” also means “self-compassion,” and I’m able to cut myself some slack.

If you value courage and perseverance and you show up at the gym even though you are nervous and have “lame” gym clothes, you don’t have to dwell on what the other gym goers think about you.

If you value inner peace and you need to say “no” to someone who is asking for your time, and your plate is already full to the max, you can do so without feeling like they will judge you for being a selfish person.

If you value authenticity and you share your opinion in a crowd, you can do so with confidence knowing that you are living your values and being yourself.

Know your core values, and which ones you value the most. Your flashlight will be brighter for it.

2. Know to stay in your own business.

Another way to stop caring about what other people think is to understand that there are three types of business in the world. This is a lesson I learned from Byron Katie, and I love it.

The first is God’s business. If the word “God” isn’t to your liking, you can use another word here that works for you, like the universe or “nature.” I think I like “nature” better, so I’ll use that.

The weather is nature’s business. Who dies and who is born is nature’s business. The body and genes you were given are nature’s business. You have no place in nature’s business. You can’t control it.

The second type of business is other people’s business. What they do is their business. What your neighbor thinks of you is his business. What time your coworker comes into work is her business. If the driver in the other car doesn’t go when the light turns green, it’s their business.

The third type of business is your business.

If you get angry with the other driver because you now have to wait at another red light, that’s your business.

If you get irritated because your coworker is late again, that’s your business.

If you are worried about what your neighbor thinks of you that’s your business.

What they think is their business. What you think (and in turn, feel) is your business.

Whose business are you in when you’re worried about what you’re wearing? Whose business are you in when you dwell on how your joke was received at the party?

You only have one business to concern yourself with—yours. What you think and what you do are the only things you can control in life. That’s it.

3. Know that you have full ownership over your feelings.

When we base our feelings on other people’s opinions, we are allowing them to control our lives. We’re basically allowing them to be our puppet master, and when they pull the strings just right, we either feel good or bad.

If someone ignores you, you feel bad. You may think “she made me feel this way by ignoring me.” But the truth is, she has no control over how you feel.

She ignored you and you assigned meaning to that action. To you, that meant that you are not worth her time, or you are not likable enough, smart enough, or cool enough.

Then you felt sad or mad because of the meaning you applied. You had an emotional reaction to your own thought.

When we give ownership of our feelings over to others, we give up control over our emotions. The fact of the matter is, the only person that can hurt your feelings is you.

To change how other people’s actions make you feel, you only need to change a thought. This step sometimes takes a bit of work because our thoughts are usually automatic or even on the unconscious level, so it may take some digging to figure out what thought is causing your emotion.

But once you do, challenge it, question it, or accept it. Your emotions will follow.

4. Know that you are doing your best.

One of the annoying things my mom would say growing up (and she still says) is “You did the best you could with what you had at the time.”

I hated that saying.

I had high standards of myself and I always thought that I could have done better. So when I didn’t meet those expectations my inner bully would come out and beat the crap out of me.

How much of your life have you spent kicking yourself because you thought you said something dumb? Or because you showed up late? Or that you looked weird?

Every time, you did the best you could. Every. Single. Time.

That’s because everything we do has a positive intent. It may not be obvious, but it’s there.

Literally as I’m writing this post sitting in a tea shop in Portland, Maine, another patron went to the counter and asked what types of tea he could blend with his smoky Lapsang Souchong tea (a favorite of mine as well).

He hadn’t asked me, but I chimed in that maybe chaga mushroom would go well because of its earthy flavor. He seemed unimpressed with the unsolicited advice and turned back to the counter.

The old me would have taken that response to heart and felt terrible the rest of the afternoon thinking how this guy must think I’m a dope and annoying for jumping into the conversation uninvited.

But let’s take a look at what I had in that moment:

• I had an urge to try to be helpful and a core value of kindness and compassion
• I had an interest in the conversation
• I had an impression that my feedback might be well received
• I had a desire to connect with a new person on a shared interest

I did the best I could with what I had.

Because I know that, I have no regrets. I also know that his opinion of me is none of my business and I was living in tune with my values trying to be helpful!

Though, I could also see how from another perspective that forcing my way into a conversation and pushing my ideas on someone who did not ask may have been perceived as rude. And rudeness goes against my core value of compassion.

That leads me to the next lesson.

5. Know that everyone makes mistakes.

We live in a culture where we don’t often talk about how we feel. It turns out we all experience the same feelings, and we all make mistakes. Go figure!

Even if you are living in tune with your values, even if you are staying in your own business, even if you are doing your best, you will make mistakes. Without question.

So what? We all do. We all have. Having compassion for yourself comes easier when you understand that everyone has felt that way. Everyone has gone through it.

The only productive thing you can do with your mistakes is to learn from them. Once you figure out the lesson you can take from the experience, rumination is not at all necessary and it’s time to move on.

In the case of tea patron-interjection-debacle, I could have done a better job of reading his body language and noticed that he wanted to connect with the tea sommelier and not a random stranger.

Lesson learned. No self-bullying required.

At my last company I accidentally caused a company-wide upset. A friend and coworker of mine, who had been at the company for a few years, had been asking to get a better parking spot. One came available as someone left the company, but he still was passed over.

He’s such a nice guy, and as my department was full of sarcastics, I thought it would be funny to create a pun-filled petition for him to get the better spot.

I had no idea that it was going to be taken so poorly by some people. It went up the chain of command and looked like our department was full of unappreciative, needy whiners.

And our boss thought it looked like I used my position to coerce people into signing it. He brought the whole department together and painfully and uncomfortably called out the whole terrible situation and demanded it never happen again.

I. Was. MORTIFIED.

He hadn’t named me, but most people knew I created it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed.

But here’s what I did:

1. I reminded myself of my values. I value compassion and humor. I thought I was doing a kind but funny act for a friend.
2. When I found myself worrying what other people must now think of me, I told myself that if they thought poorly of me (of which I had no evidence) all I could do was to continue to be my best me.
3. When flashbacks of that awful meeting came back to mind, flushing my face full of heat and shame, I remembered to take ownership over how I felt and not let the memory of the event or what other people think dictate how I feel now.
4. I reminded myself that I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I had a desire to help a friend and an idea I thought was funny and assumed would go over well.
5. I realized that I made a mistake. The lesson I learned was to be more considerate of how others may receive my sense of humor. Not everyone finds me as funny as my husband does. I can make better decisions now because of it.

And after a short time the whole incident was forgotten.

Stop worrying about what other people think. It will change your life.

**This post was originally published in 2020.

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About Sandy Woznicki

Sandy is your Resilience Sherpa, guiding big-hearted women leaders up Anxiety Mountain, carrying your pack and cheering you on while you climb your way to become the most Zen-Badass version of yourself from the boardroom to the family room using the Graceful Resilience® Method. Catch her free training on how to Trust your Empowered Action.

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Last Day for FREE eBook with New Inner Strength

I know I don’t know you, but I see you. I get you. And I know you’re a survivor.

You’ve been through so much your life could be a movie, though you don’t always feel like the hero of your story, or always want to be.

Because sometimes you feel tired of being strong. Tired of wounds to heal, problems to solve, and crises to avert.

Sometimes you wish that it was all easier. That the ups and downs of life would stop so you could finally breathe, relax, and be.

I get that; I’ve wished that many times, both when I was deep in the throes of depression and bulimia and in my current life as a mom to two young kids. When life feels like a landmine of triggers and obstacles, I often wish I could turn it all off.

That I could end the cycle of hurting and healing. That I could stop struggling, striving, and, sometimes, feeling.

But I realized a while back that I was wishing for was a flat line—which means not living at all.

And I want to live.

I want to feel the exhilaration that lives on the other side of fear; the pride that’s possible after growing through struggle; and the satisfaction of knowing I am doing something good with what was done to me.

I want to face the hard times with resilience and grace; embrace the good times fully because I’ve let the pain crack me open; and end my life knowing I (mostly) showed up—I tried, I gave my all, and I did the best I could with this sometimes painful but precious life.

So yes, I want to be the hero of my story. I want my life to be one hell of a ride, and I want the same for you.

That’s why I created my new Inner Strength Journal—to help us get up and get stronger when life knocks us down so we can get a lot more out of life. And I’m excited to announce that it launches today!

It’s a creative, empowering, interactive tool designed to foster resilience physically, mentally, emotionally, and spiritually.

With writing and doodle prompts scattered throughout, the journal can help you protect your energy, manage your emotions, and take good care of yourself so you feel your best—and feel prepared for the worst.

I also put together a companion eBook, including forty of the site’s most helpful posts on overcoming hard times, as a FREE gift—and today is the last day to get instant access with purchase.

Over these past several weeks I’ve shared six free downloads as companions to this journal— tools to help us focus on what we can control, be good to ourselves when we’re struggling, and take our power back from everything that holds us down.

Many of you emailed to let me know how much you needed and appreciated these resources.

If you enjoyed those reminders and worksheets, I have a feeling you’ll benefit immensely from the journal as well.

Because yes, you are a survivor, but I’m guessing that, like me, you want to do more than survive. You want to thrive. You want to brave the ups and downs with perspective and emotional awareness so that you don’t have to keep pushing yourself to be tough—because life won’t feel so tough.

Tiny Buddha’s Inner Strength Journal can help you do just that. Click here to order your copy and get instant access to Tiny Buddha’s Guide to Overcoming Hard Times: Stories and Tips to Help You Cope with Life’s Biggest Challenges. Offer ends today!

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal, Tiny Buddha's Worry Journal, and the upcoming Tiny Buddha's Inner Strength Journal and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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Don’t Wait to Open Your Heart: There Is Only Time For Love

“Be soft. Do not let the world make you hard. Do not let the pain make you hate. Do not let the bitterness steal your sweetness.” ~Iain Thomas

Looking back, my most cherished childhood memories can be traced back to my rosy mother.

Intricate forts in the backyard with Spice Girls playing in the background. Sleepovers using Limited Too’s finest sparkly lotion, eyeshadow, and lip gloss. Rainy afternoons filled with friendship bracelets and Lisa Frank activity sheets. Children and teachers showing off their wild side at my mothers’ signature talent shows at the local theatre. Arts and crafts in a room surrounded by floral couches and mauve wallpaper. Flea market field trips to select the perfect charm bracelet. And, loads of buttery birthday cakes with the words Be With Your Dreams written all over them.

Sadly, we grew apart during middle school when she abruptly uprooted our sunlit lives in exchange for a nomadic lifestyle. After traveling with her to two states, I grew tired of the “new kid” title and moved in with my father.

With each of her subsequent moves, my resentment morphed into a towering boulder that blocked her love to seep through. Our tug-of-war relationship continued for six years into early adulthood.

I still remember the day that everything changed.

I was at a work conference when I received an unexpected call from her. I grudgingly called her back in a crowded hallway.

“What?!” I said in a pompous tone.

She whispered, “I’m so sorry to hound you but I need to tell you something. I have cancer. ”

“What do you mean?” I said as my throat sealed.

“I’ve been diagnosed with ovarian cancer—I am so sorry.”

A few days later, I visited her home in Key West, Florida. I can still picture her galloping towards me as I exited the puddle-jumper. She had a mop of loose curls, a wide smile, torn army green cargo pants, and a swollen belly that resembled pregnancy.

For the first time in years, we bonded without the heaviness of the future.

We became giggly movie critics. We strolled the shoreline in search of magical conch shells. We frequented our favorite Cuban restaurant and oohed and aahed over zesty soup. We bought vintage aqua blue tea sets for future tea parties. We swapped stories that were once forgotten.

Instead of cowering in embarrassment, I encouraged her roaring laugh in public. I embraced her hippy lifestyle as we basked in the sun, with Key Lime Pie sticks in hand. I co-directed one of her renowned talent shows featuring local YMCA kids. Her trailer became a treasure trove filled with wispy white pillows, the aroma of velvety hazelnut coffee, and new beginnings.

With each day that passed, the towering boulder of resentment I once had dissipated into raw love.

She didn’t have standard health insurance, but she saved black pilot whales in her free time. She didn’t have a steady job, but she made others smile as she sold handmade bottlecap jewelry at Mallory Square. You see—if you’re fixated on expectations of who someone should be according to your standards, you can’t love them for who they really are.

My mother once wrote me:

“Those stressful days are gone, and I don’t think I’ll ever see them again. I don’t have the meetings and high-powered days like I used to. I drift to work somehow gazing at the blazing sun, aqua blue ocean, hibiscus blossoms, and the marshmallow clouds. I wear island dresses in the endless cool breezes with my hair in a wet bun. Most of the time, I hide my bathing suit underneath it all so I can hit the beach right after.  I’m dreaming of my toes in the sand, laughing, giggling, and snoozing while listening to music and chirping birds. Remember, life is beautiful. You need to find your happy – promise?!

My mother appreciated every moment, even if the highlight of her day was glancing through a window in a sterile hallway. She described the hospital’s cuisine as divine. Although she could barely walk, she somehow dragged her flimsy wheelchair through sand, just to inhale a whiff of the salty ocean air. And at every opportunity, she looked up at the clouds in awe of being alive.

As her soft body turned transformed into brittle bones, I learned the importance of her famous motto, Be With Your Dreams. She taught me how to live an idyllic life filled with nature, wonderment, and positivity. She proved that having a raw, openhearted approach to life was superior than any cookie-cutter mold I once envisioned for her.

In my mother’s last days, she shared tenderly, “Britt, I think of how I left you behind sometimes. I know I wasn’t a perfect mother, but I’ve always loved you so much, baby girl.”

I waited for that moment for fifteen years. And in that moment, I felt nothing. Zilch. Nada.

Time was the only thing I longed for. As tears streamed down my face, I wondered how many more memories we would’ve had, had I learned to appreciate her for who she was years ago.

Most of us wait to resolve our conflicts “later.” The unfortunate part is that minutes and days turn into months and years. There’s a good chance we’re missing out on a relationship right now that could change our entire lives. So…

Open the door to your heart and choose love. Be kind instead of right. Remember the good times. Let go of pain disguised as indifference. Take responsibility for your part. Stop the judgment. Be the bigger person. Forgive the small things.

For goodness sakes, say or do something! Pick up the phone. Write an apology letter. Drive to their house. Plan a trip. Text a nostalgic memory.

Don’t you see… there’s only time for love. And, who knows—if you’re lucky enough, they might just show you how to Be With Your Dreams.

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About Brittany Powell

Brittany Powell is the founder of Positivity Pledge, an online community where people build meaningful lives and learn how to embrace a positive mindset. Brittany’s work has appeared in various publications, including Tiny Buddha, Life Goals Magazine, Voyage Phoenix, and Shoutout Arizona. To build your own meaningful life, visit Positivity Pledge and follow her own meaningful activities on Insta.

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Exploring Minimalism: Why Getting Rid of Stuff Won’t Make You Happy

“Not what we have but what we enjoy constitutes our abundance.” ~Epicurus

Minimalism is the lifestyle of removing the clutter from one’s life to make room for meaningful living. This can be in the form of paring down the stuff one already owns, forging new consumption habits to reduce the inflow of new clutter into one’s life, or some combination of the two.

As a mental health therapist, I’ve had clients in my practice from ages seventeen to seventy mention it in session over the years. Clearly, it has tapped into a zeitgeist. In an increasingly complex world, minimalism has a refreshingly simple mission: Get rid of distractions, find more meaning.

But the promise may have exceeded the potential: the world appears to be moving on from minimalism. A recent article on the newer maximalism trend has caused me to reflect on minimalism’s time in the sun, and popular culture’s apparent transition from the one to the other.

Like many, when I learned about minimalism, I was inspired to do a round of decluttering one weekend afternoon. I gathered several bags of clothes, a handful of electronics, and a box of appliances and donated them to my local thrift store.

It felt good. Like, really good. I felt lighter, freer, and generous.

The afterglow remained through the day. By the next morning, however, it had left. No problem, I thought—I’ll just unload some more stuff. I made a sweep through my house and toted another load down to the thrift store. Happiness: restored.

I thought this time I had finally minimized my way to contentment.

I hadn’t. The next day, the afterglow faded again. My eyes darted around the living room—what else can I get rid of?

That’s when it hit me: this was basically retail therapy . . . just, in reverse.

Retail therapy, or acquiring stuff to make oneself feel better, is old shoe. But selling/donating/trashing old shoes to feel better had a considerably fresher appeal.

As I continued to learn about the minimalism lifestyle—this trend of getting rid of unnecessary stuff to live a better life—it seemed to me that it was often hyper-focused on the first part of its mission (getting rid of stuff) and not so much the second part (living a better life).

Maybe that’s because the first part deals in the tangible, and the second part the intangible. We can count the number of shirts in our closets, but we can’t put a number on what a better life looks like. It’s a highly personal question that will be different for everyone.

Nevertheless, I began to wonder whether these two parts—minimizing clutter and building a meaningful life, had any relation whatsoever.

Minimalism and meaning-building may be an altogether spurious relationship, or a relationship that seems to exist, but doesn’t.

A famous example of a spurious relationship is that between crime rates and ice cream sales: both increase and decrease at the same time of year. Therefore, we may conclude that one causes the other. But the consumption of ice cream does not lead to criminal behavior or vice versa. In reality, both are caused by an increase in temperature.

Unfortunately, scientific studies on the relationship between minimalism (or maximalism) and meaning-building are scarce, so we are left with anecdotal evidence.

One phenomenon that we do have scientific backing for is that of the hedonic treadmill, and I believe the hidden pitfalls of both minimalism and maximalism can be found here.

The Hedonic Treadmill

The theory of the hedonic treadmill relates to how short-term gains and losses do not have a long-term impact on well-being because we adapt to our circumstances. The hedonic treadmill moves with us, keeping us in place.

A classic 1978 study of this phenomenon by Brickman, Coates, and Janoff-Bulman found that lottery winners and paraplegics both reported feeling ‘back to normal’ again a few months after their relative change. No matter what seems to happen in our lives, our happiness seems to revert to its baseline. Various measures of subjective well-being tend to place the worldwide average somewhere around a 6.7 out of 10.

The hedonic treadmill also explains why my good feelings from decluttering didn’t last longer than a day or two.

Being inspired by minimalism for a weekend was fun. But just like any other fun weekend, I’m not sure it better equipped me to face the week ahead. Others may certainly have different opinions and experiences, but for me, decluttering did no more for me than if I had gone out and bought a bunch of stuff instead of getting rid of it. Stuff, or at least my stuff, isn’t imbued with meaning, whether I’m moving it in or out of my living space.

With minimalism’s blank white walls being replaced with bric-a-brac covered antiques of the maximalist trend—including the dark academia subculture, among others—I suspect it is only a matter of time before many of its adherents realize the same, either consciously or subconsciously: stockpiling antiques and leather-bound books will not make one inherently wiser or more cultured.

This takes us full circle to the Epicurus quote at the top of this article—it is not what we have but what we do that determines our life satisfaction.

Unburdening ourselves from the tedium of cleaning and caring for items we don’t actually value, and from consumer habits that leave us unfulfilled, can create the potential to focus on more important things in life, but it won’t do the work for us of actualizing that potential.

Similarly, maximizing our homes with lovely objects may provide an inspirational foundation for self-improvement, but change is a grueling process that requires a deep store of internal motivation. At some point, engineering our environment offers diminishing returns if the goal is internal change.

To live meaningfully, we have to make the commitment to build and nurture intimate relationships, engage in purposeful activity whether professionally or off-the-clock, and maintain healthy lifestyle habits so that we have energy for these pursuits. Stuff, and the time we devote to it, can be a barrier to these things, but removing barriers in and of itself isn’t a solution.

My experiment with minimalism caused me to reaffirm my commitment to these dusty old standbys.

For me, a meaningful life consists of enjoying the outdoors with family and friends, mining my own experiences and the works of others for insight into the human condition, and continually working to improve my skills as a therapist so that I can better help my clients fulfill their own visions for meaningful living.

To provide the foundation for these pursuits, I strive to eat a diet rich with whole foods, exercise (in some form) about thirty minutes a day, and carve out eight hours for sleep each night.

That’s pretty much my road map. Like everyone, I am frequently bombarded with ideas that present themselves as the solution to my problems. Often, I let these ideas pass me by, but occasionally I take one out for a test drive. Afterward, I usually find I’m back in the same place I started, and then remind myself that so much that is branded as a shortcut to a meaningful life is actually a roundabout.

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About John Mathews

John Mathews is a licensed therapist in Midlothian, Virginia. He writes at his practice site Virginia Counseling and creates digital therapy tools at Therapists Market.

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How I Stopped Chasing Men Who Hurt Me and Found Healthy Love

“There are two things you should never waste your time on: things that don’t matter and people who think that you don’t matter.” ~Ziad K. Abdelnour  

“What is wrong with me?” I asked myself. Crying in the dark of the night. “Why doesn’t he love me?”

I’d tried to fold myself in all the ways I could to be loved and accepted, but it was never enough. I found myself repeating patterns of chasing men who just didn’t want me. Same cry in the night, different men.

The more I chased them, the more they ran away, and the deeper I lost my self-worth. 

I was addicted to them. They were my drug. These men who were wounded and just needed a loving, caring woman to come save them. I wanted to be the answer to their pain so then finally, a man would choose me. Finally, I would get the love I had longed for and chased my whole life.

I always chased men that were unavailable in some way. They may have been addicts, in other relationships, or just not ready for a relationship. The more they didn’t want the relationship, the harder I would chase.

I would be up late in the night, full of anxiety, obsessing about them. So preoccupied with trying to make them love me that I forgot to take care of myself.

I had no boundaries and would accept any kind of awful behavior. It would break my heart and I may pull back for a moment, but then they would notice and come toward me, so the pull-push cycle would begin again.

I lacked self-love and self-worth, and this pattern was destroying what little I had. I felt like nothing and like there was something fundamentally wrong with me.

My happiness, my everything, was tied up in receiving validation from these unavailable men. The older I got, the worse it got, and the more obvious it was that something was not right. My friends were getting married, having children, and moving forward. But I was stuck ruminating about my latest obsession.

I even drove my friends mad! No matter what they said to me, it wouldn’t stop me chasing a fantasy. When they stopped listening, I rang a psychic line multiple times a day for validation that the man I wanted was ‘the one.’ So not only did my self-worth disappear but my bank balance with it.

It was exhausting and brought me to my knees in my mid-thirties.

Then I noticed something. If someone was interested in me, available, and wanted to move forward, I would feel suffocated and tell myself there was no chemistry. But if someone showed some interest but was not available, I would want them more than anything.

I felt like there was something really wrong with me because of this pattern, but I was determined to change, so I could have healthy, loving romantic relationships.

I read You Can Heal Your Life, by Louise Hay, and decided to change my beliefs.

Here are the five things I did to heal so I could open up to a healthier relationship:

1. I adopted a daily self-care practice.

It became painfully obvious to me that I knew how to love others but not myself. So I began with adding some practices to my day to help me build self-love.

I listened to affirmations on Spotify and read them to myself looking in the mirror. I tried meditation and hot baths to begin my journey. I was always researching new ways to show myself love. In addition to developing a self-care practice, I invested in support to help me get better, including therapy.

2. I began doing inner child work.

I went back to my earlier story through meditation and discovered that younger-me was always chasing after my dad’s unavailable love. Trying to help him, to be seen. Trying to fix him so he would tell me I was enough. Seeking his validation, his connection, because he was unavailable due to his own childhood trauma. My inner child had internalized this to means I was unlovable.

I began to say affirmations to a photo of my younger self. “You are loveable,” “You are enough,” “You are worthy.” I would literally talk to her and ask her how she felt and what she needed. I would imagine playing with her and showing her love.

I explored my inner child’s story and learned lots about attachment theory. I realized that I had disorganized attachment from my father’s inconsistency, and that this was not my fault but just part of my old programming. The great news was I could change this! A book that helped me was Healing Your Attachment Wounds, by Diane Poole Heller.

When I recognized why I sought love from men who couldn’t give it to me, that ache for unavailable love lessened.

3. I set clear intentions.

I grew up on my dad’s little crumbs of love. It made me feel starved for love and attention, so later in life, I would accept them from any man who showed me interest. Even if they weren’t the right fit for me. I had no idea what that was!

When I realized this, I compiled a list of what I didn’t want. I tuned into what brought me pain and unhappiness growing up. Things that made me feel unsafe. These became my red flags. For example, emotional unavailability, anger, shouting, gaslighting, denying my reality, and addiction were a few items from my list.

I became conscious about what I didn’t want so I wouldn’t blindly go into a relationship that made me feel unsafe again.

I also compiled a list of things I did want—must-haves like kindness and safety.

4. I ended contact with unavailable men.

This was a hard one and felt very uncomfortable. I took a step back from my ‘drug.’ I even unfollowed people on social media to allow myself space to heal. Sometimes I would have a bad day and make contact, but slowly my addiction lessened.

To support myself through this process, I read books, listened to podcasts, and even trained for a marathon to give me another focus. Books like Father Therapy, by Doreen Virtue, and Facing Love Addiction, by Pia Mellody, helped me to understand my pattern. I also found communities where I could share my story and not be judged.

I learned how to stop numbing the pain from my past with these unhealthy relationships by learning how to soothe myself and let my wounds heal.

5. I dated myself.

I stepped back from dating and focused solely on learning to love and date myself. To start, I took myself on a trip for three days in Italy. I took my books, went on tours on my own, and journaled about my story. I  regularly spent time with myself and even found new hobbies. Before, I had been so obsessed with these men that pleasing them was my hobby.

I found ways to enjoy my own time and have fun! To feel whole and enough on my own. I took myself to restaurants and treated myself to gifts. I became the person I always wanted. Validating, attentive, kind, and fun!

Sure enough, in time, I found an emotionally available man who chose me and was everything I wrote on my intention list. He had no red flags, unlike any of my previous partners. He makes me feel safe every day, and most importantly, he gives me space to continue the most important relationship in my life. The one with me.

If you can relate to this pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners, just notice the behavior. It is not you. It is just a behavior you are doing to keep safe. Thank this part and know that it is possible to change and find your healthy love.

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About Manpreet Johal Bernie

Manpreet is the creator of a podcast called Heart’s Happiness, coach, and mentor who helps people make peace with their past and rewrite their story by learning how to love themselves and their own inner child. Download her FREE masterclass on Manifesting Happiness here. Join her signature course Take Back Your Power to transform your relationship patterns. More details on products and services can be found on her website and Instagram.

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4 Anxiety-Calming Techniques I Wish I Used When I Freaked Out on a Plane

“When thinking about life, remember this: No amount of guilt can solve the past, and no amount of anxiety can change the future.” ~Unknown

I was buckled in on a small, twenty-person airplane, and we were heading toward the runway, when I looked out the window and saw the airplane wheel was wobbling.

I gathered my courage, unbuckled my seatbelt, and approached the flight attendant, who told me to sit back down.

“I think there’s something wrong with the wheel,” I said.

He looked out the window and said, “It’s fine.” But then he radioed the pilot, who turned the plane around.

They checked it out, and it turns out the wheel was fine.

In retrospect, I recognize I wasn’t responsible for the pilot turning the plane around. That was his decision, based on the information I’d provided. But the wheel wasn’t, in fact, wobbling. My anxious mind was just playing tricks on me.

I felt guilty that one passenger, a surgeon, had to miss his scheduled surgery and that others were delayed. And the ironic thing was that I was on the flight to attend the somatic psychotherapy program where I was learning to reduce my anxiety and how to help others.

I learned a lot from this experience and wanted to share the techniques that have helped me calm my anxiety since then.

1. Move your body.

Anxiety is part of the fight-or-flight response, which is designed to keep your body safe. The trigger for the anxiety is external, but you must complete the stress cycle on the nervous system level.

In the New York Times bestselling book Burnout, Dr. Emily Nagoski shares that the stress cycle has a beginning, a middle, and an end. If you get stuck in the middle, you need to help your body complete the stress cycle.

In the past, you would be chased by a lion, and then hopefully a neighbor would open the door and you’d run in, slamming the door behind you.

It may seem like you’d feel better because the lion was gone, but on a scientific level, we now know you’d feel better because you ran and the endorphins helped you complete the stress cycle.

If you’re feeling anxious, go for a walk around the block or put on your favorite song and dance. Even on the plane I could have pushed my feet into the floor and squeezed the arm rests to process some of my anxiety physically, but I didn’t.

2. Feel your anxiety

As best you can, detach from the thoughts and welcome the physical sensations of anxiety into your body. Notice where your anxiety is located in your body and what it feels like. Describe it: “I feel a buzzing in my chest.” “I feel a tightness in my throat.” And as best you can, welcome this vibration into your body. All humans get anxious; nothing has gone wrong, and you can handle this.

When you believe that anxiety shouldn’t be happening, you actually create more anxiety about your anxiety. Welcoming it in reduces that.

On the plane, I wasn’t at all aware of what was happening in my body. I was stuck in my mind, worrying about whether or not to say something. And thinking that I’d really regret if I didn’t say something and the plane crashed. I was completely detached from my body and fully overwhelmed by the feeling of panic.

If I’d noticed where the anxiety was in my body, perhaps I’d have made a different decision. Or maybe I wouldn’t have; it’s hard to know…

But what I know for sure now is, when I welcome the sensations in physically, I feel better afterward. So try this out.

3. Voice your anxiety.

Simply saying “I’m anxious” can help you feel calmer. A recent study showed that putting your feelings into words reduces activity in the amygdala, the part of the brain that regulates emotions and stress.

On the plane, a classmate had been sitting right behind me but moved so she could have her own row. After the plane landed, she wondered, if I had been able to tell her that I was feeling anxious about the wheels, would that have been enough for me to regulate my nervous system? Again, we can’t know for sure, but according to the research, that’s probably true.

So if you’re feeling anxious, say out loud to yourself or someone else, “I’m anxious.” This will help you observe and detach from the emotion just a little bit so it’ll feel less overwhelming.

4. Make physical contact.

If a child was scared or anxious, you’d instinctively hold their hand or pick them up to soothe the fear. And there’s research that hugging and self-soothing touch, like putting a hand on your heart, can lead to lower cortisol levels after a stressful situation.

If I’d had a loved one to hold my hand or give me a hug, this would have soothed my anxiety to a degree.

So hug your friend or your dog. And if you’re alone, put a hand on your heart to assure your nervous system that you’re safe.

—

After this incident, I had to process the shame around making this mistake. At first I felt completely terrible, like a total nutcase and an out-of-control loser.

But now I see it differently. I see myself as someone who experienced trauma in her childhood, who was on her healing journey and genuinely doing her best at that time. I’m proud that I stood up and used my voice and did what I thought was right in the moment.

And also, I regret the negative impact it had on some of the passengers and crew. The surgeon was understandably upset. And others were probably too, even though they didn’t say anything.

The pilot was super friendly and talked to me after checking out the wheel to reassure me that everything was fine. And one passenger came up to me at the end of the flight and thanked me for keeping an eye out and being brave, even though in this case everything was fine. His stance was that it’s better to be safe than sorry.

Life is complex. I now fully forgive myself this even though I do see it as a mistake. I know I was doing my best at the time and I’ve learned from it.

I still get anxious sometimes, but it’s reduced significantly. The more I get to know my body and the different techniques that help complete the stress cycle, the less my anxiety controls my life.

I’m happy to report I haven’t turned around any airplanes or cruise ships since applying these techniques, so I wholeheartedly recommend you use them to reduce your anxiety too!!

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About Bryn Bamber

Bryn lived for years as a sensitive perfectionist with high anxiety and through Core Energetics she began to take steps to drastically reduce her suffering. She works with artists, healers and entrepreneurs through her podcast and program to help them achieve their sacred goals through healing childhood habits, patterns and trauma. Start today with the free Anxiety Training! And connect on Instagram, Facebook and TikTok!

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People-Pleasers Are Liars: 3 Things We Gain When We’re Honest Instead

“You’re a liar. People-pleasers are liars,” a friend said to me. I felt like I was punched in the gut. “You say yes when you mean no. You say it’s okay when it’s not okay.” My friend challenged me, “In your gentle way, begin to be more honest.”

I believed the lie that pleasing people would make my relationships better. It didn’t.

I decided to take my friend’s challenge to tell the truth. People didn’t have a relationship with me; they had a relationship with another version of someone else. They didn’t know me.

People-pleasing was safe; it was how I hid and protected myself so I could belong. Besides wanting to belong, pleasing-people is a bargain for love. If I kept people happy, I believed I would be loved. If I took care of others, I believed I would be loved.

Showing up differently in relationships is like learning a new dance. You may feel clumsy and awkward at first, but the old dance, while comfortable, is unhealthy. The old dance creates overwhelm, frustration, and resentment.

I am now a recovering people-pleaser. My journey started when I faced the truth that I was a liar. The first step in change begins with self-awareness. Once you are aware, you can learn new dance steps. The new dance looked like saying no, tolerating less, and telling my truth.

As I told the truth, here’s what I noticed in my relationships:

First, I experienced true intimacy.

As I was more engaged in being honest, others began to know me, not a fake version of me.

In his book, Seven Levels of Intimacy, Matthew Kelly describes intimacy as “In-to-me-see.” pI started saying things I’d never felt comfortable saying before—like “I see things differently” and “that doesn’t work for me.” Secret-keeping was killing my soul, so I also started opening up about the pain and brokenness I felt regarding my former spouse’s addiction and how I’d protected him at a cost to myself.

When we share more of who we are with others, then we are known and loved, which is a powerful need in humans. I was not broken as a people-pleaser but broken open. I allowed myself to receive the love of others as I allowed them to see me. As a result, I experienced intimacy in a new way.

Secondly, when we stop lying to others and ourselves, it builds trust.

It is hard to love someone when you don’t trust them. Trust is the foundation of all relationships. When we are real, others trust our words and actions, and we become more trustworthy. We are no longer chameleons, adapting and saying what others want to hear when interacting with us, and trust grows.

Lastly, when we pay attention to being more real, we are more fully engaged in our relationships.

We are wired for connection. When we are engaged in bringing a greater depth to our relationships, the investment pays off. It’s like we are making a deposit in the relationship when we allow others to “see us,” and they in turn feel closer to us. As I began to share more in my relationships, it helped others to open up. One friend said, “Keep sharing; it helps us too!”

—

Being more honest in our relationships is a dance worth learning. It improves intimacy, trust, and closeness in our relationships. After all, the alternative is being called a liar!

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About Trina Stutzman

Trina Stutzman is not a guru on a mountaintop, but a guide by your side who empowers individuals to stop lying and tell the truth. She is a recovering people-pleaser who uses her mess to convey a message that the world needs YOU, not some other version of you. She is an author who wrote the book,12 Steps to Overcome People-Pleasing. She is a self-proclaimed Midwife of the Soul and Holistic Life Coach. You could contact her via her website.

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How to Deal With Low Moods: A 4-Step Plan to Help You Feel Better

I have always struggled with low moods. I guess that considering that I spent close to twenty years of my life inactive and depressed, this could be seen as progress. But that still didn’t feel good enough.

I wanted to feel more balanced, light, and happy, and I wanted to achieve it in natural ways without having to take any kind of medication since that hadn’t worked for me in the past.

So I began to research. I asked around. I read books. I watched videos. I became a psychotherapist.

Most people can’t tell you how you shift out of low or bad moods. Sit with it, they say.

And sure, that is a huge help because, up until that point, I would beat myself up over being in a low mood, which just made things worse.

So ditching that beating-myself-up habit did help a lot.

But here’s how I went further with it.

During my studies and my experiences as a psychotherapist, I realized that everything has a cause. It might look random, but it never is. So there had to be a reason for my low moods. It was time for a lot of self-observation and self-exploration.

Funnily enough, my work with my clients helped me uncover what I was looking for. It is, after all, always so much easier to see it in other people than it is to find it in yourself.

I discovered that my moods were primarily linked to two things.

The first one was needs, or more accurately, unmet needs.

The second one was feelings, unexpressed feelings.

Before my healing journey there was no way for me to change my mood in any way because I wasn’t aware of my needs and all I ever did was suppress and inhibit my feelings.

Both of these things logically result in low moods.

So why didn’t I meet my needs or feel my feelings? These simply weren’t things I had been taught how to do. In fact, suppressing my feelings was encouraged. No, it was demanded.

If I didn’t, I would get punished. I would get hit. And a child learns very quickly how to keep themselves safe, so that’s what I did.

I remember this one time I got bullied really badly. As I walked into the family home, I collapsed on the floor and cried. This was not something I had ever done before. It was a rare occasion. I had a proper breakdown.

My mother looked at me in disgust, stepped over me, and carried on with cleaning the house.

I don’t exactly remember how long I lay there, but it must have been a long time because she repeatedly stepped over me and ignored me in my pain.

So that’s what I learned to do to myself.

Whatever was going on, I ignored it.

I never stopped to ask myself what I needed or how I felt. I didn’t give myself any reassurance or encouragement. I didn’t help myself in any way, so my only go-to point was depression or a low mood.

On the inside, I kept my loudly-screaming needs and feelings locked up in a tiny little jar just waiting to explode. I had to keep my moods low to keep the pressure down. I had to be quiet to make sure I didn’t accidentally unlock the biggest scream the world had ever heard.

Today, I realize that my low moods were symptoms of me ignoring myself, not feeling my feelings, and not meeting my needs.

I didn’t know how to honor my feelings and needs then, but I learned how during my work and healing journey.

When a low mood visits me today, I don’t step over myself. I don’t repeat the patterns of the past. I don’t repeat the lack of kindness and warmth. Instead, I do these four things:

1. I dig deep instead of surrendering to my low mood.

I no longer just leave myself in it. I don’t just tolerate it.

I notice it, stay with it, and love myself too much to not do anything about it.

Instead, I get curious.

2. I accept instead of fighting my low mood.

There’s no point in putting yourself down when you’re already feeling low.

You’re not doing anything wrong when you feel bad.

It’s just a sign that you need to check in with yourself and figure out what’s going on for you so that you can take care of yourself in a healthy and loving way.

So that’s what I do.

3. I ask, “What’s going on for me?”

Sometimes it’s obvious what’s impacting my mood. It could be a bad night’s sleep, an argument, or a cold.

Sometimes it’s harder to figure out what’s going on, but then it’s important that I stay with it and don’t just shrug it off.

In my experience, mood management has a lot to do with emotional self-care.

I ask myself:

• What feelings might I be suppressing?
• In what ways might I be inhibiting or censoring myself?
• Am I staying in the wrong kinds of relationships for me?
• Do I forget to set boundaries?
• Am I not having enough fun or variety?
• Do I need to stretch myself more and grow?

Learning how to meet my needs and feel my feelings were the two most important aspects of my healing journey. So much started to make sense once I knew what to do about my feelings or needs.

My moods weren’t just random anymore. They made sense. And if they didn’t, I knew that I hadn’t found all of the puzzle pieces yet.

4. I have compassion for myself.

It’s wonderful to be a human. It’s also hard.

We have feelings and moods and needs and relationships and dreams and fears and so much else going on.

It’s not simple and it’s not easy.

We have to give ourselves some credit for all the great things that we achieve and do.

But most of all, we have to appreciate who we are and how we are.

We want to improve things. We want to feel better and be better for ourselves and for others. That alone needs to be celebrated!

The not giving up. The striving to grow. The commitment to healing. All of that needs to be acknowledged.

And all of you deserves compassion. Low mood or not.

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About Marlena Tillhon

Marlena is a highly experienced psychotherapist and success coach specialising in healing inner trauma and breaking unhealthy patterns that stop her ambitious clients from having the success they know they can have in their lives, relationships, and careers. You can find her on Instagram or Facebook and receive her free training and gifts on her website.

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5 Simple Yet Essential Self Care Tips That Can Change Your Life

“Never be ashamed to say, ‘I’m worn out. I’ve had enough. I need some time for myself.’ That isn’t being selfish. That isn’t being weak. That’s being human.” ~Topher Kearby

Years ago, my extended family, who I am very close with, migrated from Vietnam to America as permanent residents. Four separate families had a couple of kids in each family. They are nice, kind, and loving people, and their kids were super cute and respectful.

My relationship with my extended family has taught me a lot of lessons throughout my life so far, but this was one of the most impactful ones to date.

Throughout the first few years of their residency here in the USA, they struggled with the language barrier and navigating an unfamiliar setting. As with most people who choose to migrate to another country, it was challenging for them to learn how to adapt to their new normal here in the United States.

I couldn’t bear seeing them struggle, so I decided to step in to help them through this huge transition they were facing. I took them to most of their doctor’s appointments, brought them to work on time, helped them out with school conferences for their kids, and supported them in the completion of other tasks that they weren’t able to do on their own.

I didn’t see this as a burden at all. In fact, I was having fun helping them because I love them so much.

If you’re like me, you will understand this. When I am helping people that I care about, I tend to forget about taking care of myself. Slowly, this began to be the case.      

The love I have for my family fueled my energy, which made me overlook the importance of caring for myself. Sure enough, after a while of supporting and caring for my family through their transition, I started to feel emotionally depressed and physically drained.

I couldn’t find an explanation for why I was feeling this way, so I decided to check in with my doctor. My doctor explained that I had nothing to worry about regarding my physical health.

After determining that I was healthy, I realized that there must have been a deeper explanation for why I was feeling that way. That’s when I knew my exhaustion was coming from overly helping and caring for my family. After all, I was taking on responsibility for everything in their lives from the little things to the important things.

At this point, there was a little voice inside my head saying that it was time to sit down with myself and re-evaluate how I was spending my time and energy. Deep down I knew that this would be the only way for me to feel healthier and happier.

For the sake of my well-being, I decided to implement positive change in my life, Once I did, I was amazed at how my physical and emotional well-being began to improve.

I didn’t want to leave my family hanging, so I made sure that I took the time to show their kids what they needed to know so that they could help their parents and themselves. I knew that they had other family members that were willing to step in when they needed assistance with tasks.

It took me a while to make this decision because I didn’t want to leave them without ensuring that they would be cared for. Thankfully, their children were confident taking over some of the tasks and helping their parents and their own families with the transitions that they were making.

Sometimes, setting healthy boundaries with the people you care about also comes with setting a boundary with yourself.

You cannot control how other people will react to your choices, no matter how badly you would like to be able to. With that said, it will bring you comfort knowing that you are doing what is best for you.

In my case, I knew I needed to take better care of myself. I also took comfort in knowing that the choices I made for myself wouldn’t bring harm to anyone else. In time, I hope that my family will come to understand; but if they don’t, that’s okay too.

I will always be wishing the best for them and sending them the brightest blessings in their life, regardless of if it is from a distance or up close.

It was through this experience that I learned that the best way to care for others is to begin with caring for yourself. This may seem selfish or unnatural at first. However, with time, you will find that you are more capable of adequately caring for others when you are well cared for yourself.

Once you master the art of self-care, you will find that you have more time and positive energy to put toward      caring for those around you. Here are a few tips on where to begin on your journey toward self-care.

1. Stay in touch with your feelings.

If you’re honest with yourself about how you feel, you’ll be better able to meet your needs. It can be a challenge to be truthful with yourself and others about your feelings, but if you don’t, you’ll end up burnt out and resentful. This was my first step toward taking care of myself: telling my family I was feeling depleted.

Ask yourself: How do I feel about how I currently spend my time? Am I honoring my needs and priorities? How do I feel about how much I give in my relationships? Am I overextending myself or giving more than I receive?

2. Spend time with others.

You can’t spend all of your time alone and remain emotionally healthy. Part of self-care is surrounding yourself with people who uplift, encourage, and support you.

The ideal amount of human contact varies greatly from one person to another. No matter how much of a loner you might be, though, spending time with others matters because human connection brings happiness, joy, and belonging.

When I realized I needed more time for reciprocal relationships, I set out a schedule to hang out with some of my closest friends.

Call some of your friend or relatives to catch up, and ask them to get together. You’ll feel more connected, and if you open up about what’s going on in your life, you’ll be able to receive support instead of always being the one who gives it.

3. Spend quality time alone.

When you spend time alone, you’re able to get in touch with yourself on a deeper level. You get to reflect, introspect, and make a plan for anything that needs to change in your life. This will help you accomplish your goals, and you’ll feel more grounded as a person.

Again, how much time you need to spend alone is an individual preference. It can be hard to refuse requests or say no to gatherings, but if you find the right balance for you, you can stay connected to other people while keeping up with your personal goals.

4. Exercise regularly.

When I decided to prioritize myself, I committed to keeping myself active and in shape. I personally enjoy weight training, pilates, dancing, and taking long walks by the lake. Not only do I feel physically stronger, I have more energy and get a boost of feel-good chemicals every time I exercise.

Any physical activity is better than nothing, but you’ll feel a lot better if you can devote thirty minutes each day to movement, whether you play a sport, dance, or participate in a group exercise class. Your body is designed to move, so when it’s not using its potential, it creates stagnation.

5. Manage stress.

Take frequent breaks throughout the day to relieve tension and restore your energy before tackling your next task. Check in with yourself regularly to look for signs of stress, including physical exhaustion, getting irritated easily, having a lack of focus, and mindlessly eating junk food.

When you notice your stress level rising, practice deep breathing or utilize any other relaxation methods that work for you.

I generally like to get a massage, go for a walk, meditate, and journal. I like to write out all the stress on paper and burn it away.

Another stress relief practice that I often do is chanting. It’s a healing method to help you clear any worries, stress, fears. When I chant for a period of time, my energy always shifts, bringing me back to a more grounded state.

If you take on other people’s energy, you may want to practice energy cord cutting. This can be as simple as visualizing yourself detaching a cord connecting you to someone who drains you.

Practicing forgiveness for yourself and others is also a powerful stress-release method. I highly recommend the Ho’opononopo practice; if you’re not familiar with it, you can go on YouTube and look it up.

—

The quality of your self-care is a great barometer of your overall well-being, and it can keep you firing on all cylinders. If you’re feeling down and out, give extra attention to your self-care. You deserve the time and attention. A regular self-care practice also demonstrates that you truly recognize your own worth.

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About Jade Nguyen

Jade Nguyen believes that each individual deserves the opportunity to learn about themselves and to find balance in self-discovery. She offers Bespoke Guidance and provides her clients with the tools and teachings to live in serenity, protect their light, and be attuned to their intuitiveness. To consciously create abundance and happiness and express divinity and healing, allowing them to flourish and thrive. Visit her website www.sublimefeminine.com.

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5 Ways to Start Valuing and Making the Most of Your Time More

“It is the time you have wasted for your rose that makes your rose so important.” ~Antoine de Saint-Exupéry, The Little Prince

Oh, how I loved sleeping when I was a teenager. I would sleep for twelve hours, just as babies do.

And guess what else?

Another favorite activity of mine was taking selfies until I finally had a perfect one, editing it, posting it on social media, and waiting for likes. And scrolling through the feed.

Wow. So unusual nowadays.

I didn’t care what I was doing with my life. I chose a university degree just for fun and finished it just because I started it. I don’t even like what I chose. I had no goals, no ambitions. I was just drifting through life.

But then adult life got in the way. Suddenly, I was married and had a child.

What a turn.

Now I don’t even have Instagram.

Do you know why? Because I started valuing my time.

And I am here to tell you that you need to do it too if you want to live a fulfilling life.

Why should you value every second of your life?

When I became a mom, I barely had time to brush my teeth. I didn’t have time to do anything that wasn’t related to my son.

I started regretting all the time I’d wasted before.

But let’s be clear: It’s not about productivity. It’s about living your life to the fullest.

You see, when you value your time, you start valuing your life. You set your priorities straight and start doing things that matter to you. And that’s when life gets really good.

Although my situation might be different from yours, time is one thing we have in common. And you’ve heard it a million times, but time is our most precious commodity.

It is non-negotiable. You can’t buy more time, no matter how rich you are. And you can’t save time either. You can only spend it.

Time waits for no one. So the sooner you start valuing your time, the better.

Here are a few things that have helped me start valuing my time and life more that might help you too.

1. Set your priorities straight.

Oh, priorities. They are so important, yet we often forget about them.

If you want to start valuing your time, you need to set your priorities straight. Ask yourself what is really important to you and start making time for those things.

Ask yourself:

• What do I want to do, achieve, and experience in life?
• Who and what matter most to me?
• What makes me happy?
• Where do I see myself in five years?

For me, the answer to these questions was simple: I want to value time with my son more. And I want to find a way to balance work and life.

What I don’t want is to be glued to my phone while my son is next to me, or to watch movies instead of making small steps toward having my own business.

Self-care is on my list of priorities too. I make sure to have enough time for myself. Even if it’s just ten minutes a day (to have a cup of coffee in silence), it makes all the difference.

Self-care keeps me sane and happy. And when I am happy, I can give my best to my family.

2. Realize the importance of limited time.

We all have limited time on this earth, and we need to make the most of it.

The idea of limited time gives so much magic to this life. It makes things more precious. And when you start realizing life is precious, time becomes more valuable to you.

On top of that, it makes you more aware of your mortality. It might sound depressing, but it’s not. It’s actually very liberating. Just think about it: If you knew you’re going to die soon, what would you do differently?

Do it now so you don’t end up with regrets about how you spent your time.

I think about death every day. I accept it. And I thank the universe for being mortal.

We never know when we are going to die, so the best thing we can do is to live each day as if it’s our last.

3. Notice what your distractions are and eliminate (or at least minimize) them.

We all have our own distractions. It can be social media, Netflix, video games, or anything else.

Here is how I deal with my distractions.

• My main distraction was Instagram. I deleted it.
• Then, movies. I decided to watch only one movie per week. No TV series (all they did was make me escape my reality).
• Internet surfing is another one. I decided to use the internet only for work and research. No more browsing without a purpose.
• I open the app only if I want to relax for twenty minutes and watch something. Otherwise, it’s a huge time waster (I used to open the app and scroll through it for five minutes with no purpose).

Once I did that, I noticed that sometimes I even got bored. And I love that feeling of not picking up my phone every time I have a free minute. I just enjoy it.

4. Consciously choose to do one thing despite countless other activities you could be doing.

You know those moments when you’re about to do something, but then you wonder, “Should I really be doing this? I could be doing something else.”

This is a common feeling. We often have so many options that it’s hard to choose just one. But simply do that. Choose one activity and stick to it.

It doesn’t matter if it’s the “right” choice or not. There’s no such thing as “right” when it comes to how you spend your time.

I recently listened to a podcast by Oliver Burkeman. He said that we don’t want to make choices. We don’t want to decide. We want to let all the options remain available to us. This is also why we love dreaming about the future. Because all the options are open.

But we need to make a choice. It is so liberating to make a choice. It gives you a sense of control over your life and your time and it keeps you moving forward instead of standing still.

So, choose one thing and do it. You will feel so much more in focus because you know where you are going.

For instance, I am writing this article. I could be doing a million other things, but I choose to do this. And it feels great. I am all in. And I am focused because I am not thinking about other things that I could do.

5. Know that failure is a sign you’re using your time well.

When we start a project or an activity, we want to do it perfectly. We need to be the best. Otherwise, we think it’s a waste of time.

In reality, it is life itself. You can’t prevent failure. You will fail. A lot.

And that’s a good thing. Failure is a sign that you’re trying something new; that you’re pushing your limits, learning, and growing.

How can we make the most of our failures?

• First, accept them. Don’t try to bury your failures or pretend they never happened. Acknowledge them and learn from them.
• Second, put things in perspective. This one opportunity didn’t work out, but it’s not the last you’ll get.
• Finally, focus on the successes in your failure. Odds are something good came from it, even if you can’t see it just yet.

Oh, I failed so many times. I lost years of my life in failure. But I am grateful for every single one of them because they made me grow and become better, maybe even wiser.

My biggest failure is probably my university degree. It’s three years of my life. I was so naive thinking that I can succeed no matter what bachelor’s I choose. And I chose the easiest one.

Turns out, there is nothing I can do with my bachelor’s degree. It’s useless.

I could have spent those three years better, but I am not regretting it. Because if I didn’t fail, I wouldn’t be so motivated today to start my own business and to create something that has meaning.

—

As I said in the introduction, I was once horrible at valuing my time. But I am glad to say that I have changed. It certainly wasn’t easy. And I am not an expert at this. I still must remind myself to value my time. To cherish every moment.

But my alarm doesn’t annoy me when it wakes me up in the morning anymore. It’s a reminder that I get to wake up and enjoy my time on this earth.

I am grateful to still be alive.

The time that you took reading this article is valuable. I hope it will make you value your time even more.

Remember that time waits for no one.

Remember that it’s non-negotiable.

Remember that you can’t save it.

You can only spend it wisely.

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About Diana Bazic

Diana is the founder of minimalismbasics.com, a website about simple living that can help you declutter, find purpose and happiness. She's honest and straightforward in her writing, sharing tips and advice that have worked for her – no false promises here. If you're looking to declutter your life, start living with intention, or just find more peace and contentment, Diana's blog is a great place to start.

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