How to Move Through Your Fear by Retraining Your Brain

When you’re in fight-or-flight mode, everything you do or don’t do teaches the brain something about the perceived threat. When you avoid or flee the situation, your brain experiences a wave of relief. The amygdala learns that avoiding that situation is how you stay safe from that threat.

This is exactly how you want the brain to respond if the threat is a grizzly bear. But what if the perceived threat is something less biologically adaptive, like a worry about being judged or teased?

Let’s say you’re invited to a party full of new people, and you have thoughts of looking dumb, making a mistake, or being judged. The fear response is triggered, and you decide not to go to the party. Whew…relief! You don’t have to be judged!

However, you’ve now taught the brain that parties are dangerous (even the ones without tequila), and avoiding them is how you stay safe. The next time you have to attend a party or event, the anxiety response is even stronger—the brain desperately tries to get you to flee, because that’s how you’ve stayed safe in the past.

Anxiety gets worse and worse as you avoid it and can even start to generalize. A fear of parties can spread to all social events, and then to brief interactions with baristas at the coffee shop. It can become debilitating, preventing you from doing things you really want to do.

That’s what happens when you train your brain to sound the alarm when there’s no real danger—but it doesn’t have to be that way.

Retrain Your Brain

Let’s say you choose to behave differently when you’re anxious but not in real danger. You recognize your fear, accept it, and go to the party anyway. In fact, you go to a lot of parties, even though your fight-or-flight response kicks in.

The brain is collecting data about what happens and soon realizes, Wait a minute, nothing bad is happening! Maybe this isn’t actually dangerous! Over time, you retrain your amygdala about what is safe, and the fear response becomes less intense or disappears.

If you sit around waiting to feel comfortable, you’ll be waiting forever. Your brain won’t magically retrain itself. You have to act before it feels comfortable, before you feel ready.

You can choose to do things that scare you—to feel the fear and act anyway. Avoiding your fears makes your world smaller; facing them expands it.

Maybe you can’t relate to the party anxiety scenario, but I bet there is at least one area in your life where you are afraid to fail. It could be your work, your finances, your relationships, your body, your reputation, your legacy…there are many possibilities. We all have something we’re afraid to ruin, and that fear holds us back from taking that very thing to the next level.

With the right training, though, your brain can unlearn its fear of virtually anything, even things you would think are unquestionable…like lions.

Facing the Lions

My best friend Joe and I were in Kenya visiting the Masaai community. It was the perfect chance to fulfill our dream of going on a safari, so one morning, we woke up before sunrise to hit the plains. It was a rugged outfit, riding around the Serengeti in doorless Land Cruisers trying to get close to elephants and big cats.

And we did—a little too close, actually.

It had been pouring rain through the night and the ground had turned into a few feet of mud. We were attempting to get our tires unstuck when our guide said in a hushed but urgent tone, “DON’T. MOVE. BE. QUIET.”

On the right side of the car, a giant lioness with the drooling jaw of a cold-blooded killer was walking directly toward me. There was nothing between us but three feet of air—not even a car door. In this much scarier version of The Lion King, Nala crouched, we locked eyes, and I felt her slink past my legs just as we were able to peel out from the mud.

My life flashed before me as I pissed my pants and imagined my obituary reading, “In death, Bridget became what she loved most in life: a delicious meal.” Hakuna matata.

Seek to Understand

We thought the mega cat’s demon stare was the true embodiment of fear, but we hadn’t quite seen it all yet. Later that afternoon, we were inching through the tall grass, looking for signs of life, when we saw a figure coming toward us in the distance. It didn’t look like an animal, but there were no roads or villages in that direction for miles and miles.

Twenty minutes later, a Maasai woman appeared, her traditional bright red and blue patterned Shuka standing out starkly against the endless brownish-green grass. We were stunned. It was 100 degrees with no water in sight, and we were in a vast, open valley.

We expected to see giant cats in this area at any moment, and she was just waltzing through? And what was she carrying on her back? Wait… was that a baby?

She walked up to us and we chatted. I told her about our close encounter with the lion and said incredulously, “Aren’t you scared of the lions while you’re walking all by yourself?”

She laughed at me and said, “No. I am only afraid of the hippos.”

The Masaai know from experience that lions are lazy and unlikely to attack humans unless they feel threatened (they certainly could have fooled me). On the other hand, hippos (yes, the giant water-pigs) are highly aggressive and kill more people each year than lions, elephants, leopards, buffalo, and rhinos combined. Hungry, hungry hippos indeed.

So there you go—even the things that seem genuinely worth fearing might not be what they seem. More often than not, the more you understand something, the less scary it becomes. Of course, most of us aren’t going to encounter lions in the wild (or hippos, for that matter), but this holds true for everything you might fear, including other people.

Don’t Fear the Other

“Cow blood. Cow meat. And cow milk.”

That’s what a Masaai warrior told me when I asked what they liked to eat. “Wait… that’s it?!” I exclaimed. “Yes—it’s very good, very simple,” he said with a laugh.

As I admired his muscles glistening in the sun, I took a sip (not bad!) and briefly contemplated switching my diet before remembering the extremely low chances of the granola health stores back home in LA selling bulk cow blood.

On the surface, the Maasai people could hardly be more different from me. Our attire, what we eat, our daily activities, our language, our surroundings, our communities—we seem to have nothing in common. But the more time I spent with them, the more I realized how untrue this was.

This warrior welcomed us into his village with genuine hospitality. We found common ground in music, my first love and a huge part of their culture. They taught us their traditional songs and dances and told us that contemporary Tanzanian and Kenyan hip-hop artists often incorporated Maasai rhythms into their songs.

The women of the tribe showed us how they make the gorgeous jewelry they sell to tourists. We made a fire together, had a jumping contest (I lost miserably), and listened to exciting tales of life in the bush. Yes, we are different on the surface, but when it comes to values, we share more than I ever expected.

We love music, our community, and the outdoors. And a juicy steak, of course.

Get Closer

As human beings, it’s simply in our nature to draw a line between “us” and “them”—our people and other people. “Other” people are the ones we don’t understand or relate to, and we’re much more likely to perceive them as scary or threatening, whether they really are or not.

We see this repeated endlessly throughout history, all over the world, and it continues today. The solution to this fear is simple: get closer. The better you know people, the harder it is to demonize them.

Talk to enough people, and you’ll begin to see that everyone has their reasons for thinking and living the way they do. Most people aren’t crazy or evil—they’ve just arrived at a particular set of conclusions based on the experiences they’ve had and the information they’ve been given. When you recognize that most strangers are just friends you haven’t met yet, you can do away with the labels and fear and just listen to each other with empathy and open minds (hey, a girl can dream!).

Everything You Want is On the Other Side of Fear

To help you start to dissolve your own fears (whatever they may be), try the following exercise. First, think of one specific thing that fear is holding you back from going after. For example, here are some common ones:

• Traveling to a new country
• Taking a new job or trying a new career
• Moving to a new city
• Learning or using a new skill
• Committing to a romantic relationship
• Making new friends/socializing

Now, focus on that one fear and answer the following questions:

1. If you did what you’re afraid to do, what negative things might happen?
2. What would be so bad about that? What would it mean about you if your fear came true?
3. What does this tell you about what you believe about your safety, worth, competence, or lovability?
4. Where did you learn to believe this about yourself?
5. How does this belief keep you from pursuing your dreams?
6. What would you do if you believed something different about yourself?

Ultimately, when you master your own ego and stop worrying about the judgment of others and potential negative outcomes, fear can evaporate, and you’ll be surprised by how fast the voice of dissuasion disappears.

Feeling the Fear… And Doing It Anyway

Let me share an example of what I mean. Some time ago, I had the opportunity to speak alongside Sir Richard Branson. He was my idol; years prior, I had even listed getting beers with him as an experience I really wanted to have.

This was my chance—but there was a problem. A huge one. I was petrified of public speaking.
As I focused on that fear, though, I started to realize that what I was actually afraid of was something far deeper. Every time I thought about speaking in public, I was terrified I would be exposed as a fraud. I didn’t have an unshakeable belief in my own competence, and that had stopped me from pursuing my dreams of speaking on stages for my whole life.

But what if, I asked myself, I let myself believe in my own innate worth? What if I pushed back against the fear that I would be exposed as a fraud? I knew that doing so would expand my world and give me the chance to meet my hero—so that’s what I decided to do.

It wasn’t easy, but it was worth it, because after the talk, I got a chance to live my dream: Sir Richard and I shared a few beers. As we were talking, I mentioned how scared I had been to get up on stage, and then he said something that changed my life forever. He was terrified of public speaking, too.
To hear that someone insanely accomplished felt that way gave me hope for myself. It wasn’t just beginners like me. I knew I could remember that the next time I felt nervous on stage—that we’re all human. And it would be okay.

With that newfound revelation, I started working to overcome my lifelong phobia, and as I did, each step I took gave me the confidence to push past my fear. Now, just a few years later, speaking is my passion and livelihood. The cave I feared to enter held the treasure I was seeking.

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Coming out of Survival Mode: How I Healed and Found Peace

“I have come to believe that caring for myself is not self-indulgent. Caring for myself is an act of survival.” ~Audre Lorde

I can’t pinpoint the exact moment when I realized that I no longer needed to fight for my survival, but I do know that it came after several years of prayer, healing, and intensive work. It wasn’t an event, but rather the feeling of peace and calm that comes after a storm.

For me, the storm dissipated slowly. It was the kind of storm that kept swirling and re-emerging until I finally realized that it would take concentrated effort and work on my part to eliminate the threat.

By threat, I mean anything in my inner and outer world that was wreaking havoc on my nervous system. This included things on the inside (such as trauma, subconscious beliefs, childhood wounds, and energetic and nervous system damage) as well as things on the outside (people and things in my environment that were having a negative impact).

When your mind, body, and spirit are under attack for a prolonged period of time, there’s no one solution that will bring you out of the dark. Rather, you must practice a variety of healing methods and make the conscious choice to free yourself from the chains that bind you.

For me, the freedom did not just come from leaving my unhealthy, toxic, and codependent marriage of nineteen years. It didn’t come solely from the fact that my oldest son finally stabilized and was no longer in danger of losing his life. Nor did it come solely from separating myself from the people, places, and situations that held my nervous system in a constant state of turmoil.

It was a combination of many things.

The reprieve came gradually over time, as I learned to listen to my body, understand my nervous system and its relationship to my emotions, and what people and situations threatened my inner peace.

Each time I would notice that I did not feel safe in my body, that someone’s words or actions were causing harm, or that a relationship or situation was adding stress or creating an imbalance in my life, I would make adjustments as needed.

This meant setting firm boundaries around who and what I was allowing into my headspace and heart space. This meant releasing people, places, and situations that were no longer healthy for me or serving me in a positive way. This meant working in therapy to heal childhood traumas that were still living in my body.

For starters, I left a long-term relationship that, on the surface, seemed to provide stability but, in reality, kept me in a constant state of anxiety, resentment, and emotional chaos.

The relationship was a textbook example of two unhealed people recreating their childhood wounds with one another, with no awareness of what they were doing. The impact trickled down to our children, who unfortunately suffered the negative consequences of their parents’ wounding.

It wasn’t until months after our divorce, when my oldest son was diagnosed with PTSD, that I realized the environment I had been living in was not only toxic but also abusive. Sadly, the relationship with my former partner so closely resembled the patterns and behaviors I had witnessed as a child that I had somehow normalized them. I hadn’t put the puzzle pieces together soon enough.

In fact, the moment that I read my son’s psych evaluation results, I was hit with the reality that I had lived in that kind of environment (chaotic, unhealthy, toxic) for most of my life. In my childhood and then later in my adult life.

I was shocked.

Why hadn’t I connected the dots before? The reason I felt anxious, the reason I was crawling in my skin, feeling on edge and unable to relax or find stillness, was because my nervous system had been under attack by the very people who were supposed to make me feel safe.

I had been existing in survival mode for as long as I could remember.

From that point forward, I made a pact with myself to never go back to people, situations, or environments that created chaos inside. I promised myself I would do whatever it took to protect myself from further harm, regain my stability, and break the cycles of toxicity and abuse that had been passed down through my lineage.

These are the methods I used to free myself:

• Subconscious reprogramming
• EMDR (Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing)
• EFT (Emotional Freedom Technique) Tapping
• Brainspotting
• Meditation
• Somatic healing
• Energy healing
• Boundaries
• Cutting Relationship Cords

To some, my methods seemed extreme, selfish even. And in some ways, they were. But not in the typical way one would think.

The fight to find my peace was only selfish in that I cared about myself and my well-being so much that I was not willing to stay stuck in cycles of suffering any longer. Nor was I willing to pass my wounding along to my children.

I had a choice, and I chose myself. I chose my peace.

And I would do it again if the time ever came.

To anyone who is struggling with the suffocating feeling of living in survival mode, please let this be your reminder: you must choose yourself. You must do something, because doing nothing will only keep you in the eye of the storm.

Even if it means letting go of close relationships, or removing yourself from certain environments, the hard decisions you make will eventually create the peace and freedom you seek in your life.

Of course, leaving people and places behind is going to hurt. It’s going to cause some discomfort. But remember, you cannot heal in the same environment that is harming you.

You have to be willing to get radically uncomfortable for a period of time until your nervous system stabilizes and you are able to invite healthier, more supportive relationships into your life. Once you are able to look in the rearview mirror at your distant past and see that you have left behind all the things that were harming you, you will realize it was all worth it.

You will be proud of yourself for having the courage to take these brave steps. You will be proud of yourself for taking your happiness into your own hands. You will be proud of yourself for choosing YOU.

Make peace your priority. Your nervous system will thank you. Your children will thank you.

Sending you love.

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Living Today Like Your Last: The Quest for Conscious Behavior

“Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered.”

Once again, Dr. Seuss reminds us of the finite nature of life with a powerful punch in the face.

If I’m being honest, only about a third of my week am I kicking ass. And that doesn’t factor in the weeks when I feel like I’m as useless as a screen door on a submarine.

On days like this morning, when I’m doing dishes and get pissed off that my wife left a tea bag in her mug, again, it has clearly slipped my mind that this could be the behavior I’m remembered for.

What a pathetic thing to be remembered for.

What the hell kind of energy am I putting into the world on a day like today?

I get it; we’re all entitled to feeling off, less than, and not at our best. But that’s sure as heck not an excuse to make other people miserable. My actions have consequences, and it’s on me to bring myself back into alignment.

These moments require me to pop my tiny pity party bubble, recognize that my wife isn’t really the problem, and own that I’m feeling off. Awareness isn’t about feeling guilt and shame; it’s about being present in your actions. It doesn’t mean I have to love it, but it is what it is.

If I can bring myself back into awareness, I have already overcome the biggest obstacle to making a change: recognizing that something is happening. I can stop projecting my emotions onto loved ones and complete strangers. By taking compassionate action, I can prevent today from turning into a dumpster fire.

The compassionate part is critical here. I’m mindful that I need to be conscious of where I am (not where I wish I was).

A great starting point is simply asking yourself, “What is the greatest expression of yourself that you can be today?”

There are many days when my greatest expression is simply being kind to others. That’s all I have in my tank. And even that can feel like a struggle when my daughter wakes up at 5 a.m., and I know I have three or four coaching calls that require immense mental energy.

So on those days, I have to ask myself: What are two behaviors I want to be conscious of today?

I’m clearly agitated if I’m fidgety, anxious, and snapping at others. That’s one behavior that never leads to me being kind. The other behavior I remain conscious of is frustration because that’s a telltale sign I’m moving into a state of feeling overwhelmed, which almost always manifests as anger for me (if I don’t catch it).

This isn’t a magic solution, but if it saves you from turning a bad day into a disaster of a day that ripples into your entire week, isn’t that pretty darn enchanting?

By identifying two behaviors I can remain conscious of, I can remember how to think when faced with challenges. This gives me an anchor to come back to.

Doing this makes us less likely to slip into unconscious patterns when challenged by certain circumstances.

The key is to rehearse the change you want to make before it happens. It’s not a question of if you will be pushed to your wit’s end; it’s a matter of when and how you will deal with these emotions.

How do you want to show up for other people today?

Make a commitment to embody kindness, gratitude, love, and appreciation—even if your own version of a teabag sets you off for a bit. Just recognize what happened, forgive yourself, and come back to your intention.

All of life is practice.

I want to bring up these emotional states even when every ounce of my body wants to let out a blood-curdling scream.

This is all part of the challenge, right?

And at the end of the day, you’re going to ask yourself, “How did I do?”

When did you go unconscious?

Tomorrow morning is a new day to try again.

Today I shall behave as if this is the day I will be remembered.

It’s the practice and repetition that causes the change.

You got this.

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Why I Didn’t Love Myself (and All the Suggestions That Didn’t Help)

“Remember, you have been criticizing yourself for years and it hasn’t worked. Try approving yourself and see what happens.” ~Louise Hay

There is a lot of hype around self-love these days. The media and marketing world often bombard us with messages insinuating that the key to self-love lies in consumerism. For a long time, I bought into this idea.

I would see an advertisement urging me to treat myself to a high-end face cream for a dose of self-care. Or a promotional email landing in my inbox might suggest that a calming lavender bubble bath was just what I needed to boost my self-love. Or I would receive a text notifying me of the latest designer bag on sale—isn’t self-love about indulging in what you fancy?

Despite buying all the things, incorporating self-care routines, and generally doing all the things these mediums recommended for self-love, I still felt unfulfilled.

I questioned why, despite following all the guidelines, something still felt amiss. I felt that emptiness creeping in, even when I had checked all the boxes these commercial messages prescribed.

Through navigating this journey, I’ve come to recognize an overlooked issue that often lurks in the shadows of the pursuit of self-love: low self-worth. The belief that I am not worthy of love, exactly as I am. 

For most of my life, I found my self-worth through doing instead of being because this is what I learned from my church and home life. Serve, give, think of others. And I always got affirmation from my parents when I did something that was helpful to them. I don’t recall ever being asked what I wanted to do, and I really had no idea what I needed.

I thought that in order to be worthy of my own approval and love, I had to first receive it from others. I thought that by being the helper, the healer, the giver, I would gain the love of others and then be lovable.

I now realize that developing and believing in my own self-worth and loving myself is an inside job. All the healing, giving, and helping should have started with myself. You know, fill your own cup.

What I learned does not work is seeking something outside of me for approval and validation. You see, we cannot control how others perceive us, or whether they understand us. We cannot control if someone likes the way we look, the art we create, or the words we say. Nor should we allow their opinions to dictate who we are, what actions we take, what we say, or how we feel about ourselves or our lives.

For me, low self-worth showed up in very subtle ways that I am only now starting to see and understand because I now have an awareness of it.

For me, low self-worth showed up as me giving my body to men before I was ready, or not saying anything when they took my body without permission, instead acting as if everything was fine.

It manifested in me working at a job that had unrealistic expectations of me, that did not provide an environment to learn, grow and flourish—constantly giving my all and feeling it was never enough.

Low self-worth meant marrying someone because they loved me, not because I loved them.

It meant silencing my truth, my opinion, my feelings for the sake of not wanting to feel uncomfortable or make anyone else feel uncomfortable.

It meant giving more than I had to give expecting others would do the same.

I now know that my worthiness does not lie in what brand I am wearing, how big my house is, or how much money is in my bank account. And it’s not tied to how much I give or do for others, or whether someone likes me or not. 

My worthiness lies in how I feel about myself. It starts with loving and approving of myself.

It was amazing to see the changes that occurred when I began to deem myself worthy for simply existing. Suddenly I found myself less interested in getting drunk to escape myself and the world, and less interested in pleasing people.

I began to ask myself why I was choosing to make a particular decision. Was it because I felt like I should, or was it because I genuinely wanted to? What I found was that many of my choices had a motive—to get approval from others.

As I navigate this space, I give myself permission to change my mind, to cancel plans, to do my best to lean into the discomfort of change.

I validate myself daily through mirror work, affirmations, and making choices that are beneficial for me.

I make an effort to speak kindly to myself and forgive myself for past mistakes, which in turn allows me to forgive others more easily, and to understand that we are all here doing the best we can do, with the awareness that we have.

If you are on this journey of self-love and find that you are not making the progress you would like, ask yourself the following questions:

• Where does my self-worth come from?
• Do I believe that I am worthy of love?
• If not, why? When did I form this belief, and how can I let it go?
• What actions can I start taking to show myself that I love and honor myself?
• What type of thoughts am I thinking about myself?
• What proof can I find that my negative thoughts are actually untrue?

On this journey of discovering my worth and loving myself I’ve had my fair share of tripping, face plants, and “oh NOO, not again” moments. There have been ups and downs, good days and bad days, periods of rapid progress followed by times of stagnation or regression.

This journey will be lifelong for me, but despite the obstacles, I have discovered a deeper sense of peace (at times) than I ever imagined possible, experienced more joy and laughter than I thought could exist, and found more moments filled with gratitude than ever before.

As I choose to uphold the idea of appreciating progress rather than pursuing perfection, I realize that it is all worthwhile.

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13 Insights About Relationships That Could Save You A Lot of Pain

“It’s amazing how quickly someone can become a stranger; it’s even more amazing how quickly someone can become a treasured friend.” ~Unknown

The past six months have been unbelievably difficult for me.

My “normal” life turned upside down and inside out, as my beautiful daughter continues to fight a complex pain condition, which took us all by surprise one bright and sunny Monday afternoon. And literally, in a single heartbeat, just like that, instead of a regular routine day of school, work and afternoon activities, our time was consumed with juggling doctors, hospitals, tests, and specialists—all of us fully devoted with how to help her heal.

Oprah so aptly says that in life, lots of people want to ride with you when you’re in the limo, but what you really want is someone who will take the bus with you when the limo breaks down. Well, my friends, my limo didn’t just break down. It completely crashed, along with my world as I knew it.

And when days and nights are both sleepless and endless, and you’re not cruising luxuriously through life in your limo but rather doing your very best at any given moment to barely crawl from point A to B without breaking down yourself, you start to realize even more so the complex, beautiful, fragile, and priceless value of real, genuine, consistent friendship.

Sadly, a few people who I thought would walk me home sort of disappeared.

They may have jumped off at their desired station—and I’ve come to understand that it’s alright; I truly only wish them well. Perhaps the fear that this could happen to them was all too much to bear, I get that. Or perhaps they are giving me space, I don’t know. All I know, is they aren’t here.

Others not only ran to my bus, but jumped straight on, and continue to walk me home every single day. These people take the time to check in on me, hold my hand, let me cry, bring me food, make me laugh, and ensure I have enough coffee and love to keep on going through the day.

I love these friends with all my heart and am so deeply thankful to have them on my journey.

Here are some insights about people, relationships, and friendships from my bumpy bus ride that might be useful and comforting for you in your own interactions…

1. Two people can look at the exact same situation and see it completely differently.

I have always believed this, and I’m even more sure of this after hearing my friends repeatedly tell me how in awe they are of my unwavering strength and optimism while I have never felt more fragile, insecure, helpless, or scared. Perception is everything.

2. We always see life as we are, not as it is.

There actually isn’t an objective reality when it comes to people. Facts may be facts, but our viewpoint and our vantage point impact our ability to process the facts as they are neutrally.

We look at life through our own personal filters, our own past experiences, beliefs, and paradigms. We see everything and everyone through our unique subjective lens that has been forming since we were younger.

As Marcel Proust wrote, sometimes, the real voyage of discovery consists not in seeing new landscapes, but in having new eyes. If we are courageous enough to remove the lens through which we currently view a situation, we may discover something worth looking at, that we didn’t see before. This is true for opinions and advice. Think about a current dilemma in your life. What aren’t you considering? What are you possibly overlooking because you are still seeing the situation through the same lens?

3. People change.

I sometimes secretly wish we would stay exactly as we are, but I know that we are designed to grow. We are allowed to. I am learning to give myself permission to grow and change. Let yourself. Let others. Everyone deserves that.

4. People come into our life for a day, a week, a month, a season, perhaps a year or longer, always to teach us something.

Thank them, always. Even if they cause you pain. Some lessons hurt, a lot. In fact, during these challenging months, the voice of my workout instructor reminds me “If it doesn’t challenge you, it doesn’t change you”—true for fitness, true for relationships, true for life. Each person we meet has been brought to us as a gift. Our job is to unwrap it, whatever it may be.

5. You are allowed to close doors to protect yourself, you may even say goodbye, but never wish someone harm.

This is the hardest for me personally. My heart is very big and maybe too hospitable and welcoming at times. To look after yourself and preserve what you value most, you sometimes have to be selective about who you let in.

If someone steals your joy, keep them out. It’s a basic premise of safety and security. Give someone the benefit of the doubt—until they give you reason not to. Then don’t.

There is a critical difference between being a volunteer and being a victim. The first time someone hurts you, you may or may not see it coming. Like me, I always try see the best in people. And when it hurts and you face a blow to the heart, you come crashing down because you never expected that or foresaw it coming your way.

If the same person hurts you again, it’s now up to you to see them coming. It’s up to you to set new boundaries to protect yourself. You can be kind to everyone, but not everyone belongs in your inner circle.

6. You may be willing to do more for others than they do for you.

Don’t change who you are. Keep doing your thing. People may surprise us. Sometimes they really let us down. Others may step up in ways we never imagined. If you keep a checklist, you’ll often be disappointed.

Never do things for others just because they would do things for you. You get to decide what kind of person you want to be. And if you choose to give 300 percent, then go for it, regardless of what others give you in return.

If you do something for someone just because they did it for you or you want something back, you are doing business, not kindness. Just be yourself, without calculating what you’re receiving in return. When we live this way, we come from a place of generosity and abundance. It’s so much nicer to live this way.

7. Choose your inner circle wisely.

We have limited energy. Choose to surround yourself with people who make the time and effort to lift you up, who genuinely care about you, encourage you, and want to see you win. Our time here is limited, precious, and fragile. Choose your sacred relationships, friendships, and partnerships wisely.

8. Actions speak louder than words.

We can have the best intentions in the world, but our lives are measured by our actions. If you mean well but don’t do well, no one can read your mind. At the end of the day, what counts is what we do.

I am all for giving people the benefit of the doubt—often only seeing the goodness in others myself—but when you are in a tight space, what you really need at the end of the day is someone to help you breathe and get you out, not just someone who thinks about you but doesn’t show up and hold out their hand for you to grab.

That being said, sometimes people can’t show up for us because…

9. People are always fighting battles we can’t see, or may know nothing about.

Remembering this will help us be patient, kinder, more empathetic, and far less critical and judgmental. Life is hard and some days we dress up and show up using every ounce of energy and willpower we can possibly muster. We can’t be in top form all the time. No one can. We are human beings, not human doings, so let’s try to notice what’s going on with the people around us.

10. Minimize the drama.

We have limited energy, especially when going through a hard time, as I’ve been lately. Let’s preserve our energy for our goals, passions, purpose, and doing more good. We do not have to attend every drama we’re invited to. Decline the invitation and keep moving.

If you feel you’re getting sucked in to drama—gossip, or creating conflict where there doesn’t need to be any, for example—take a step back and pull away. Keep yourself focused on your needs, your passions, and your purpose. Drama isn’t good for anyone.

11. It’s okay to gently drift away from people.

There are seasons when gardens bloom and other seasons where branches lay bare. Let it go, let nature do its thing. We can’t force a flower to grow. Energy is real. If your intuition or gut says someone isn’t right for you anymore, listen carefully.

12. Not everyone is going to love you or your choices.

Your job is to love you and your choices. Your tribe will find you. If you live your life according to your values, and you make choices in alignment with them, the right people will be attracted to you and you will gradually ensure you are surrounded by people who are your best fit. Keep doing your thing. I have seen this so beautifully over the years. and when I look at my closest friendships and relationships today, it is testimony to this.

13. Relationships, friendships, partnerships—they don’t work unless we do.

Don’t assume that just because someone has been in your life for years, they are going to want to stay there. These are precious, treasured, cherished interactions that require thoughtful investment, attention, love, and care.

If you want someone in your life, show them. Spend real time with them, genuinely check in on them, do your best in your own unique and special way to help them wherever you can, have fun with them, cry with them, celebrate with them, and please catch the bus with them.

We are all just walking each other home.

Who are you walking with?

You have to really be in someone’s life in order to stay in someone’s life.

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[Free Event] Collective Trauma Summit: Creating a Global Healing Movement

Hi friends! As someone who’s passionate about growth and healing, I’m pleased to share that the FREE Collective Trauma Summit: Creating a Global Healing Movement is starting soon. Each year, over 100,000 people worldwide gather online to explore innovative ways to address current global traumas and unhealed cultural wounds.

From September 26 to October 4, the summit will feature 60+ expert sessions, panel discussions, live events, poetry readings, music, movement sessions, guided meditations, and more.

The summit features a powerful lineup of leading experts, practitioners, and thought leaders from diverse backgrounds, including psychologists, neuroscientists, human rights and social justice activists, climate scientists, Indigenous elders, journalists, poets, artists, and more.

When you register, you’ll get access to daily speaker talks, special live events, musical performances, as well as contemplative practices to support your integration and healing.

Some of the topics that will be addressed during the summit include:

• Bringing aid and relief into active trauma situations
• Poetry, music, art, and movement practices for healing
• Creating trauma-informed climate activism
• Exploring trauma-informed meditation and spiritual practices
• Integrating collective trauma in individual therapy sessions
• Working with inherited family and ancestral trauma
• The link between individual, ancestral, and collective trauma
• How neuroscience can inform approaches to trauma healing
• Building a trauma-informed media movement

The goal of the annual summit is to deepen our understanding of collective trauma and its effects.

More than that, the founders aim to create a global healing movement—a safe space where people of different backgrounds meet to overcome stigmas and cultural differences, build collective resilience, and discover innovative pathways to growth and healing.

“This is the time to engage in individual, ancestral, and collective healing, and be part of the collective healing journey of humanity.”  ~Thomas Hubl

To become part of this global conversation, register (for free!) here.

During this powerful nine-day event, you’ll hear from 60+ inspiring speakers, including:

• Dr. Gabor Maté, Physician and Author of The Myth of Normal
• Ayọ Tometi, Co-Founder #BlackLivesMatter, Human Rights Leader
• Thomas Hübl, Author and Founder of the Academy of Inner Science
• Danielle LaPorte, Creator of the Heart Centered Leadership Program and Author of How to Be Loving
• Ada Limón, Poet Laureate of the United States
• Peter A. Levine, PhD, Founder, Ergos Institute of Somatic Education and Somatic Experiencing International
• Alanis Morissette, Wholeness Advocate,Thought Leader, and Grammy Award-Winning Singer-Songwriter
• Alok Vaid-Menon, Artist
• Michael B. Beckwith, Founder and CEO, Agape International Spiritual Center, Author of Life Envisioning
• Tjada D’Oyen McKenna, Chief Executive Officer of Mercy Crops
• Dr. Joy A. Degruy, Educator, Best-Selling Author, and Activist for Humanity
• Julian Brave NoiseCat, Writer and Filmmaker
• Dr. Richard Schwartz, PhD, Internal Family Systems Therapy Founder
• Jerry Tello, Internationally Recognized Speaker, Healing Practitioner, and Community Elder
• Britt Wray, PhD, Author and Researcher at the Forefront of Climate Change and Mental Health
• Andrea Gibson, Poet, Author, and Speaker

And many more!

Sign up for free and get all of the details here:

→ [Learn More] Collective Trauma Summit 2023: Creating a Global Healing Movement 

When you sign up, you’ll receive instant access to a free chapter of Thomas Hübl’s new book Attuned, which explores how attunement can reshape our relationships and help us develop a truer connection with ourselves, one another, nature, and the cosmos.

Thomas will also be sharing Daily Insight Videos to guide your journey through the many free offerings.

I hope this powerful event is transformative and healing for you!

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How This Dog Person Learned to Embrace Her Inner Cat

“It takes nothing away from a human to be kind to an animal.” ~Joaquin Phoenix

Earlier this year, I went to Egypt with a small group of friends.

“Egypt will activate something ancient in you,” I was told by one of them. “You have to go.”

Egypt wasn’t exactly on my bucket list, but in the span of one year, three different people had told me I needed to visit the country, so when the opportunity presented itself, I did.

The trip was organized by one of my favorite mystics, who thoughtfully designed it around the individual healing needs of everyone in our small group. She determined which temples were most meaningful for each one of us to experience; which acupuncture treatments to administer and when; which Egyptian oils to dab on specific pressure points; which non-religious prayers and rituals to incorporate; and which elder would accompany us and bestow her ancient wisdom and shamanic healing practices along the way.

For a woman like me on an unconventional healing journey, this was all too good to pass up.

Almost five years prior, my twelve-year-old son unexpectedly passed away, and I subsequently embarked on a journey to heal my broken heart. I considered talk therapy and prescriptions, but given the alarming rise in depression, anxiety, and mental illness across our country, I didn’t have faith they could help me fast or deep enough. So I fell back on my entrepreneurial ways, relied on instinct, and searched for alternative ways to treat my soul.

But I wasn’t looking for Egypt. Egypt found me.

Before committing, I told some friends, “I’m not a group person. I shouldn’t go on this trip.”

“What do you mean?” they asked.

“I’m better one-on-one or with just a small group of three or four friends at a time. I can do larger groups—like at an event or party—but I usually end up in the corner talking to someone about something I find meaningful and then sneaking out after a couple of hours.”

She nodded as if she could relate.

“Maybe it’s because I’m terrible at small talk and uncomfortable with superficial conversations,” I continued. Or maybe it’s because the energy of so many people in one place at one time overwhelms me.  I can’t imagine traveling with a group of ten people and being surrounded by conversation and activity all day long without time to rejuvenate by myself.”

My friends assured me I’d be fine.

The group was hand curated. Everyone was healing from some sort of trauma or heartache and would have plenty of time every day to process the experience on their own. Plus, they reminded me that the benefits of reigniting the ancient Egyptian magic within my soul far outweighed any silly old insecurities and self-imposed policies about group dynamics.

The evening I landed in Cairo and attended the group’s orientation meeting, however, I already regretted my decision. “Egypt is all about our shadows,” the wise elder in our group announced.

“Huh?” I thought to myself. I didn’t come all the way to Egypt to explore what Carl Jung once termed the “unacceptable” parts of myself.

As if the elder could hear my confusion, she elaborated, “The lightness and darkness of this country will bring out the lightness and darkness in you.” 

I looked around at the other group members seated on both sides of me and figured she must have been talking to them. I had already been through my darkest hour. There couldn’t possibly be more.

When I remembered that our thoughts create our reality, I suppressed my concerns and invited Egypt to light up the ancient goddess within me that was surely clamoring to be freed.

For the next few days, Egypt humored me. We saw temples. We cruised down the Nile. I even formed some new friendships. The group thing wasn’t so bad.

Maybe I’m over it, I thought. After all, I had been on an extended healing journey for nearly five years, and it was certainly possible that old insecurities had been quietly addressed during this transformation process that life had chosen for me.

Just when I started feeling optimistic, however, Egypt suddenly turned.  

After entering Edfu Temple after sundown, I felt a cold stream of air brush across my neck while the ancient stone I was standing on wobbled and threw me off balance. I spun around, thinking someone had approached me from behind, but didn’t see anyone within a hundred feet of me. I glanced down, tapped on the stone beneath me feet, and noticed its ancientness was more solid and stable than any modern-day masonry.

Either I had hallucinated the entire experience, or an old Egyptian spirit within the temple walls was playing tricks on me. I convinced myself of the latter and ventured over to some other group members to tell them all about it.

An hour later, I suddenly felt queasy and plunged into a darkness that caused me to spiral for the next five days. Grief oozed out of every pore in my body while old insecurities screamed for attention like raw nerves.  I had no idea what was happening or why.

The worse I felt, the more I noticed other group members huddling, laughing, posing for photos, and sharing all the “JOY” that Egypt was excavating from their souls.

Are you kidding me? I thought. They’re all receiving Egypt’s magic, and I’m the one left in the dark?

I knew I should not have gone on this trip. I also knew there couldn’t be something wrong with all of them. The issue had to be me.

So, I began to do what groups always made me do…I drifted to the periphery and tried to isolate. But Egypt would not let me.

Every time I turned around, there was a cat by my side.

“I keep attracting cats,” I complained to a woman in our group who happened to be sitting next to me when a cat started rubbing up against my right leg.

As much as I wasn’t a group person, I was even less of a cat person.

“What other cats have you attracted?” she asked, her sparkly brown eyes eagerly searching mine.

“One sat between my feet at breakfast the other day. Another brushed up against me during lunch.  There was even one sitting and purring right next to me on an interior temple wall.”

“It’s strange,” I continued, “because since my eldest son passed away, gray and white cats are often in my dreams at night and show up in random places.”

“Like where?” she asked.

“A few years back, a random kitten jumped on me while I was in a lounge chair next to my husband and started kissing my face and purring. More recently, I had to go to the Emergency Room and when I went outside at 2 a.m. to get some air by myself, a little gray cat walked over and sat next to me.”

“What did you do?” she asked.

“I went back inside the hospital.”

“Pay attention,” she said with a subtle wink.

“Why?”

“Cats are nudging you.”

 “I’m a dog lover,” I explained. “Not a cat person.”

“Well,” she responded like the mystic I soon learned she was, “Cats are trying to tell you something, and you might want to figure out what that is.”

“Like what?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“What do cats represent to you?” she asked.

I had never thought about it. I never owned a cat. I never played with a cat. In fact, I don’t think I’ve ever really known any cat.

“Cats are disloyal,” I answered. “They run away. They don’t play. And they scratch people. Dogs are better.”

“That’s not true!” she screeched. “Cats are amazing animals too!”

“Why are they amazing?” I asked, genuinely curious.

“What you describe as disloyal, I would call independent,” she reasoned. “Cats don’t operate in herds like dogs. They are not designed to be in groups for too long and are quite comfortable being on their own. There’s nothing wrong with that.”

“Well, cats don’t play,” I pressed on. “Dogs play and are a lot more fun.”

“Cats are very playful! she corrected me. “Unlike dogs, who are more needy and constantly flop all over us to get our attention, cats play hard for a few hours at a time and then sneak off to refuel. They know who they are and take care of themselves.”

I felt a big teaching moment unfolding.

“Cats are also very mystical creatures,” she added. “They hold feminine energy, so they are highly intuitive about others and extremely protective. You can’t fool a cat. If you try, they will lash out and scratch you. They have no problem protecting themselves.”

Her words spun around in my head and unlocked new self-awareness.

I’m independent. I play in spurts. I’m highly intuitive. I don’t like being in groups for too long. I dedicate a lot of time for self-care….

“Oh no,” I looked up at her and whispered.

“What?” she leaned in, fully prepared for what I was about to say.

“I think I have cat energy.”

She gently touched my arm and channeled some divine wisdom of her own “You do have cat energy,” she replied. “You may love dogs, but you are a cat and should learn to love your own kind too.”

I started laughing.

“The one animal I’ve liked the least my entire life is the one I am most like,” I realized in disbelief. I felt lighter and lighter by the second and could tell the spirit of Egypt was pleased.

When I got back to the hotel, I called my best friend from college. For as long as I could remember, she had been giving me cat cards on my birthday, while I reciprocated the joke by giving the cards of her least favorite pet…dogs.

“How’s the trip?” she asked.

“Challenging…but I am calling to tell you about a life-changing moment I had today for the both of us.”

“Great!” she responded enthusiastically.

I relayed the entire story and could barely contain myself when I said, “Here’s the best part!”

“What?” she asked.

“You, my dear friend…”

“Oh, no!” she cried out.

“Oh, yes!” I responded, reminding her that a cat would never lie. “The animal you’ve been the most uncomfortable around and have liked the least your entire life is the one you are most like!”

I heard silence on the other end of the line.

“Think about it. You are the floppy one who always likes company. You get restless when you’re alone for too long. And you would play all day long if you could.”

We were laughing so hard we had to hang up.

The next morning, I woke up feeling liberated. I embraced my catlike ways and plugged back into the group, slinking in and out as I pleased.

Everyone welcomed me back with open arms and reminded me that dog energy is incredibly inviting and forgiving. It’s no wonder I have so many dog-like friends in my life teaching me new tricks.

While I still don’t own or even really know a single cat, I now embody the one I am. As a result, I’ve discovered that the more I accept my natural ways, the more accepting I am of the ways of others.

Cats no longer intimidate me. Neither do groups. And while I’m still a dog lover, I’ve given up the exhausting effort of trying to be one.

You do not have to travel all the way to Egypt to learn this lesson for yourself.

Just look in the mirror. You may find that the traits you like the least about others are often the ones most like yourself.

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How I Calm My Anxiety Octopus at Home with My Aquaponics Zen Zone

“Stay in the moment. The practice of staying present will heal you. Obsessing about how the future will turn out creates anxiety. Replaying broken scenarios from the past causes anger and sadness. Stay here, in this moment.” ~Sylvester McNutt

Like many people, I have an anxiety disorder that twists my thoughts and feelings. I call it my “anxiety octopus,” as it feels like there are tentacles in my brain triggering fear-based reactions for no reason. In everything, even things that I am confident in, I suddenly feel insecure and unsure.

It takes time to realize that the “anxiety octopus” has woken and is stretching, almost testing my powers of resilience that day.

Today was one of those days where my resilience was low, and it took time to notice that the octopus had woken.

There was nothing that triggered it, nothing special about today. Just a cold morning with the sun popping its head out, a morning that I normally love the briskness of, yet today, it was hard to get started. My feline alarm clocks kept meowing, even when I gave a morning pat.

They wanted me up. The “anxiety octopus” didn’t.

Sometimes when your heart races so hard, you fear that you are going to have a heart attack. That’s how it was this morning. Heart racing, inability to think, sweating profusely, your breathing becomes shallow, and you feel this intense fear, for no reason.

This is the point where my doctors say, “Take medication.” This is where I think to myself, “Connect with my Zen.”

You’ve probably heard of the power of garden therapy, which is incredible. But I’m an Aries woman, a fire sign that loves to flare; the Earth doesn’t actually calm me down or help with my anxiety. It does for many, but not for me. I need water to balance me out.

My Zen Zone is my aquaponics systems. Yes, I have more than one. Truth be told, I have five and two more planned. Aquaponics is a form of gardening that you can do in any space; however, unlike soil gardening, it is growing food with water constantly cycling through it in a sustainable way. 

Not to be confused with hydroponics, which also grows food with water and synthetic nutrients in an artificial system, aquaponics in a man-made (or woman-made, in my case) ecosystem. We have freshwater fish (mine are friends, not food) that provide fertilizer for the veggies, and the veggies filter the water for the fish. They both have their own space within an aquaponics system, and being closed-looped, the water is fully recycled.

With constant fertilizer from the fish and water continuously flowing through the system, the veggies are in plant heaven. They grow faster in this system that is replicating nature. This is not a new fad; in fact, it’s a concept dating back 4000 years BC.

Other than being a food growing system, which is totally awesome and in a changing world, necessary, it is also my Zen Zone.

It helps to balance my fire energy and calm me down. Sitting outside by my little courtyard aquaponics system, powered by goldfish, this morning, I sat watching the fish swim and the veggies that are thriving, and I could finally breathe again.

It’s as if hearing that water flowing gently through the aquaponics system was a signal for the “anxiety octopus” to go back to sleep. As if it connected with the water and found its peace.

Obviously, there is no octopus in my mind, and this is how I manage my anxiety with these thoughts, but it is what works for me.

I find peace in hearing the water, seeing the fish swimming, and smelling the herbs that are right there. I have a lot growing in this small system; you can get so much produce in a small space because the water filled with fertilizer passes through it all, whereas soil gardens are more limited.

It makes me smile, as I know I have food security in my small space, no matter what happens.

I think the best part is this little system costs me $10 per year to run based on the watts of the water pump. That is the cost to help control the “anxiety octopus” in my mind.

It’s always fascinating to watch people’s reaction when they come to my home. I’m very private, and at times people visit for various reasons. Not one to be normal, my home is not just filled with animals (both living and artwork), but my unique aquatic family.

As people move down the hallway, talking about what is going on in their life, I watch as they enter the dining room, where I have four very special aquariums. My first aquatic family. I see the excitement in their eyes, and I realize that my aquatic family are being better hosts than I am. I have a passion for the Murray-Darling Basin, so all my fish are native to the region. My Murray Cod, Eel-tailed catfish, Bass, and even my turtles are natives and mostly extroverts.

However, the excitement changes as I take them out back to my main aquaponics system and courtyard aquaponics system. I watch them take a deep breath and, in that moment, I see something they are often unaware of.

As they breathe deeply watching the fish and veggies moving slowly in the breeze, I see their “anxiety octopus” go to sleep too. Everything about them changes. It’s like they come home to a place within themselves that they had forgotten.

In that moment, I feel I have done something I have been put here on this Earth to do. To help another person breathe again. Just by showing them my aquaponics systems and how they work. I reconnect them with nature too, as well as help them to find their flow.

Sometimes no words are needed; just listening to the water and seeing something else being in balance, which is what aquaponics is all about, helps them to balance themselves out too.

It’s not your conventional form of garden therapy. In fact, this only takes me ten minutes a day to maintain, so I have a lot of time to spend relaxing by the flowing water.

There is something incredibly special about aquaponics, something that is often known but forgotten: Everything is interconnected, just as all things in life are.

The fish cannot live without being in an ecosystem where the bacteria convert their waste into useable fertilizer, and the plants need to filter the water using the fertilizer. In that system, everything is interconnected.

The lesson here is that when my “anxiety octopus” awakens, this interconnectedness ceases to happen. At this point, I need to trigger my awareness of this, and reconnect with everything. For me, as I sit by my aquaponics systems, feeling myself breathe a bit deeper, feeling my heart rate slow a little, I start to reconnect to the interconnectedness of myself—how my body works, how my mind works, and how I am an amazing soul put on this earth for a reason.

You need to find what works for you to be able to do this. But no matter what you find to bring peace and balance into your life, remember this: We are all here for a reason. It doesn’t feel like it sometimes, and as life hits us in the gut it can feel like we can never get up. Feel like “What’s the point?” I’ve been there.

For me, it was seeing aquaponics in a different way that got me up. Seeing that I didn’t have to hold onto others’ beliefs, that I could let go of everyone’s crap that I was conditioned to believe. That I could reconnect to the deepest part of myself and my purpose—to share the beauty and power of my Zen Zone and inspire people like yourself to find their own zen and purpose.

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About Candy Alexander

Navigating the challenges of PTSD, autism, and anxiety, Candy Alexander has found solace and strength in an unexpected ally: her aquaponics garden. This therapeutic haven not only nourishes her body with fresh produce but also soothes her soul, offering a tranquil respite from the storms of life. Through her experiences, she aspires to inspire and uplift others while sharing the boundless potential of aquaponics as a therapeutic tool. You can find her free online mini aquaponics course here.

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How I Stopped Feeling Like There Was Something Wrong with Me

“A flower does not think of competing with the flower next to it. It just blooms.” – Zen Shin

In the past, I often felt like I didn’t belong in groups of women.

Sometimes I felt like something was wrong with me, like I was othered in one way or another: too sporty, too quiet, too serious, too emotional, too dumb, too smart, too wild, too normal, too sexual, too prude.

Other times, I felt like something was wrong with all of them. Girls’ nights and bachelorette parties? The screeching voices, the loud laughs, the mundane conversations about makeup, skin care routines, and lip injections? No thank you.

I wanted so badly to belong but didn’t see a place for myself. I felt like I wasn’t doing the whole woman thing the right way. I found it easier to hang with the guys.

But now? I have learned that nothing is wrong with me (or you), and hanging out with a group of women makes me feel all warm and fuzzy inside.

What shifted?

First, I stopped comparing myself to others.

Those “toos” I mentioned above, and that so many of us feel, are usually a product of that ever so insidious trap of comparison. It’s a trap because we get stuck in a negative thought loop, smothered by jealousy, anxiety, and self-criticism, which ultimately causes a fissure of separation, between ourselves and others.

If we use other people and external standards as a barometer, we will always find ourselves being “too” something, which makes for a very disruptive and tumultuous internal experience. For me, it means that I have spent many years feeling insecure and ungrounded in who I am. It means I often acted as a chameleon and changed my energy based on who I was around, so I could “fit in.”

But now, I don’t do that. (Okay, I still do it sometimes, but way less often.) I have learned that there is no “right” way to be a woman, or a human. We are each unique individuals with our own personalities, desires, fears, and preferences, and the uniqueness of all of us makes the world so much more interesting and beautiful.

Second, I shifted away from judgment and toward curiosity.

During my young adult years, I was very judgmental. I went from thinking that something was wrong with me to thinking that I was better than all the other women. I thought women talked too much about surface level things and people. My ego started to create stories of separateness: me over here wanting to ponder existential questions and talk about emotions, and them over there who wanted to gossip, laugh too loudly, and talk about makeup and boys.

Now, instead of judging the “surface level” conversations (which still occur), I am curious about them.

Why do women spend so much time discussing our weight, clothing, waxing habits, and skin care rituals? Because we have been force-fed the belief that we are inadequate the way we are. We are told that we have to buy this or that product if we want to be beautiful. We are told we have to be thin if we want to be loved. So it’s no wonder we spend so much time thinking and talking about matters of physical appearance.

By switching from judgment to curiosity, I have realized that such discussions are actually not surface level at all. They are reflective of deep desires to belong, to be loved, and to be accepted.

Third, I demoted my ego.

My ego told me that I was the only woman that felt othered. That I was unique in my feeling like I didn’t belong. That I was special in some way because I wanted to have “deeper” conversations. That is such BS!

I have now learned that I was in no way unique in feeling like I didn’t belong. Most women, and people, yearn to peel back the layers and connect with one another in a  deep, rich way, but we find ourselves stuck in a performative role, trying to show up how society has told us to.

Many of us have erected walls around our hearts, minds, and bodies to protect the vulnerable, raw, sensitive parts of us. To protect the parts of us that we learned weren’t safe to express or were unlikeable. But we want to let others in.

Lastly, I also started listening to the sage advice from philosophers, religious leaders, and laypeople across centuries.

I started heeding their wisdom, which can be summed up as: you have everything you need within you.

I started to deepen my connection to myself, knowing that the problem I was experiencing, namely the feeling of being othered and not belonging, could only be solved by first turning inward. I’ve deepened my connection to myself through dance, breathwork, journaling, meditating, and playing. I have started to uncover who I am and who I want to be, versus trying to fit into a mold of what I think a woman, or a human, is supposed to be.

In my journey of releasing comparison, igniting curiosity, demoting my ego, and turning inward, I have also learned that:

You are not too anything.

This does not mean that you are perfect, or that you have no opportunities to grow and expand. But it does mean that there is no “right” way to be, except the way that is true and safe for you.

Often when people say you are “too ___,” it is a reflection of their own insecurities.

“You are too emotional” might mean, “I have not learned to express my emotions, and your vulnerability makes me uncomfortable.” “You are too loud” might mean, “I am not fully expressing myself, and I am jealous of your ability to express yourself confidently.”

You are not alone in your desire to belong.

It is likely that what you are feeling, others have felt at some point. When you remember this, you are reminded that you are not alone. The journey of self-discovery eventually leads to a feeling of oneness, because we absolve the illusion of self and separateness and begin to see our connectedness, our shared fears and desires. You know how it goes, we’re all made of stardust, baby!

When you start to express the truest parts of yourself, it’s an act of leadership.

Because in doing so, you provide a permission slip for others to do the same. This doesn’t mean you expect everyone to express themselves in the same way as you, but rather that we all start to express the weird, unique, quirky, true parts of ourselves. And that is what the world needs more of.

So, here’s to less judgment, more curiosity; less separateness, more connectedness; less fear, more love.

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About Teresa Towey

Teresa Towey is a coach and mentor for women. Teresa curates individual and group spaces to guide you in breaking free from societal expectations about what you “should” do, so you start doing what you want, and are free to express the most wild and creative parts of you. Check out her website and follow her on Instagram. Use this link to schedule a free consult call!

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Meditation Simplified: How to Find Calm in Our Chaotic World

“Be the silent watcher of your thoughts and behavior. You are beneath the thinker. You are the stillness beneath the mental noise. You are the love and joy beneath the pain.” ~Eckhart Tolle

I completed my meditation teacher training in 2022 and continue to practice two to three times each day.

I was initially skeptical of what this practice could possibly offer me. But, as someone who had been riddled with daily anxiety, periodic bouts of depression, and an exhausting inability to maintain focus that left me depleted energetically, I was keen to learn more and discover for myself what sort of support this practice could offer me.

While the religious roots of the practice originated in the Hindu tradition and were later established in Buddhism, we now have a strong, scientifically based understanding, backed by evidence, that likely makes the practice a little more digestible to Western cultures. The key is to experiment with a few different approaches and go with what works for you.

Let me explain. Meditation is a formal practice of mindfulness. It requires a person to intentionally direct their attention to a single point of focus in the present moment, on purpose, and without judgment.

While there are some fantastic guided meditations and educational resources that you can download and use on Apps like Calm, Insight Timer, or One Giant Mind, I love simplicity and don’t like to overcomplicate things. Less is more.

For me, when I’m meditating my preference is to simply focus on the only thing in my body that is both constant and noticeable—my breath. In and out. That’s it.

Try this now. Just for one minute.

Set a timer for one minute on your watch or phone.

Close your eyes or lower your gaze to a steady point of focus in front of you.

Release any tension in your body, from your head to your toes.

Now notice your mind focusing on your breath going in, then out. Now let’s play a game with your mind: How long can you sustain this focus until you notice a thought enter your mind? Ten seconds? Three seconds? One?!

Gently let the thought that has arisen go and return to noticing your breath. Try again. How long until the next thought pops into your mind? Let it go and return to observing. Continue in the same manner for one minute.

Tricky, isn’t it?

Now here’s the thing. Your mind wants to think—that’s its purpose. It thinks to help protect you and keep you safe. It needs to remind you about your dentist appointment tomorrow, or to decide what you should cook for dinner tonight and, therefore, which items you need to pick up at the supermarket. Or perhaps it wants you to unpack that meeting you had with your boss yesterday, and now you’re worrying about what he or she thinks about your productivity levels.

Your mind wants to protect you by solving all the problems in the world (either real or imagined), whether you are in the middle of meditation or not! And this is the point where many beginners will say, “My mind won’t stop thinking—this is too hard. Meditation doesn’t work for me,” before they give up.

But just like weight training and running are exercise to strengthen your muscles and increase your fitness levels, meditation is exercise to strengthen your brain. Just as you can’t run a marathon when you’ve tried running for ten minutes, you can’t strengthen your brain after meditating for ten minutes. And yes, you’re probably going to be all over the place when you start, in both cases!

When you first begin a meditation practice, your mind will wander ALL. THE. TIME. I mean, it’s going to go everywhere—up, down, backward, forward, and around in circles. That’s good—it means it’s doing its job! But we just need to rein it in a little and keep it under our control, much like when out walking the dog, we pull on the leash when the dog starts to pull away.

We only need our mind to do its job when we need it to do its job, and we can train it to work more efficiently and effectively for us than it may currently be.

Now more than ever, we need to strengthen our brain. Human beings exist today with the most highly developed brain of any species on the planet. Unlike any other living creature, the human brain can produce and communicate ideas and engage in creativity and planning, which we have used to continually shape and evolve the world around us, making it what it is today.

This unique capability has enabled us to build a world that is so technically advanced, scientists have discovered that in our fast-paced modern world, the brain is now continually exposed to 11,000,000 bits of sensory information per second, even though it has the capacity of processing only sixty bits of information per second.

So, while civilization has progressed enormously, the human brain, which has barely changed in structure nor cognitive capacity in the last 500,000 years, now finds itself existing in a world where it is failing to function and serve us effectively in its efforts to adapt.

In the highly stimulating world we live in today, we find ourselves attempting to spread our bandwidth of sixty bits of conscious attention across all incoming sensory information. What we now observe is that we are in a constant state of distraction as our brain endlessly alternates between the vast load of stimuli vying for our attention—commonly known as multi-tasking.

When we engage in task switching, as it is known in the world of psychology, our stress levels increase, as do the levels of the stress hormone cortisol in our bloodstream. We have low self-control, and we’re fatigued as our conscious present moment awareness is reduced.

In addition, we now observe that the amygdala, buried deep in the lymbic system, responsible for the processing of emotions and essential to the survival and protection of the human species, is being continuously triggered in response to incoming stimuli that we evaluate, attach meaning to (whether accurate or not), and interpret as being threatening. This could be an imposing deadline at work, or the examples of the dentist appointment, the shopping list, and the meeting with your boss mentioned earlier.

With its connection to so many other parts of the brain, the amygdala organizes physiological responses that are subsequently felt throughout the physical body.

This examination of society has revealed that the source of our progress as a species, our brain, is also the source of our unhappiness.

While we have witnessed technological advances throughout history, we have also seen a surge in mental illness, including chronic stress, anxiety, and depression; an increased reliance on medication such as anti-depressants; and also a rise of a myriad of medical conditions from high blood pressure to migraines and eczema.

The mind is like an instrument, but rather than the mind playing us, we must master it so we can use it to do what it has been so beautifully created to do. Serve us.

We are constantly being played by our minds when we allow them to distract us with text and email notifications. Or when we allow it to tell us self-comparison stories about how our business will never measure up to our competitors, or that we’ll never be able to run a marathon, or that we can’t fly in a plane because the chances are too likely that it will crash.

Meditation allows us the opportunity to stop and practice observing our thoughts. Each thought that enters our mind is like coming to a fork in a road.

If we observe a negative thought, we can either choose to take it with us and head down one path, along which we will continue to encounter many other negative thoughts that we will attach to our first thought—thereby creating the story spiral that we all know too well; or we can let go, gently place that thought down in front of us, and carry on down another path that will allow us to gently return our focus to our breathing.

The first option creates feelings such as tension, worry, stress, anxiety, or anger in the body, which are manifested physiologically as symptoms such as tight muscles, shallow breathing, or an increased heart rate. The second option allows us to maintain a state of homeostasis, a stable internal environment, and we feel calm, relaxed, and grounded.

We can’t do much to change our wider world, so the question is, how can we change ourselves by changing our habits so we can adapt? How can we use meditation to achieve a state of calm centeredness in our fast-paced, adrenaline-inducing, chaotic world?

There are three elements that make up a repetitive cycle that we need to understand and follow when practicing meditation.

Notice, Accept, Redirect.

When you have closed your eyes, relaxed your body, and drawn your attention to your breath, notice the following over the duration of a minute:

Your ability to notice when your mind has wandered from observing your breath to a thought or chain of thoughts.

Your ability to accept your thought or thoughts for what they are, and not cast judgment over them by labelling them as “good” or “bad.”

Your ability to redirect your mind back to your point of focus (in my case, and for the purpose of this article, that’s my breath).

You will find yourself moving through this cycle over and over and over again as your mind, well-practiced in running its own show, jumps from thought to thought to thought. This is normal—it’s doing a job that it has learned over years of conditioning.

What we are trying to do is to help it relearn how to slow down and to maintain focus on just one thing at a time, and not allow it to unnecessarily trigger alarm bells of fear and panic, which we feel as unwanted sensations throughout our body.

And just like any physical workout, you will have some experiences in meditation where you will notice you are calmer and more focused than in other experiences—just as I do most of the time when I meditate, particularly in the initial stages when my mind is trying to settle. (Think of the settling of your thoughts like tiny pieces of glitter that have been shaken up in a jar of water and have now been left to slowly settle at the bottom of the jar).

But as tempting as it is, try not to label your experiences either during or at the end of your practice. Remember that we are also practicing non-judgment. And just as a negative judgment will likely create a build-up of resistance to what you are trying to achieve, a desire for things to be anything other than what they are creates tension—which is exactly the thing we are trying to ease. Just accept the experience for what it is—it’s a practice, and every practice brings you closer to your goal of creating awareness to help master your thoughts.

As you develop both your awareness of thought and agency over your thoughts, in time you will begin to gradually apply these skills to your daily life. You may notice that you are able to sustain focus on a task, whether giving a presentation for work or having a conversation with someone, and be fully engaged in the present without your mind kicking into default mode where it wanders and starts thinking about unrelated events. (Ever noticed your mind thinking about your day at work when you’re prepping the veggies for dinner?)

With an awareness of your thoughts you are able to create space between them, which will enable you to pick and choose which thoughts are useful and of benefit to you, and which are not. In addition, with consistent daily practice, you will experience improved emotional stability, reduced fatigue, and reduced physical ailments resulting from allostatic load or long-term stress.

I have begun my practice with just thirty to forty minutes each day—once in the morning, once at lunchtime (if I can manage it), and once in the evening. You may be wondering where on earth you could possibly pull that time from. I’ve simply substituted a portion of the two to three hours a day when I would get lost in checking my phone and mindlessly scrolling, or watching random stuff on TV, with my practice.

Identify the habits in your day that you consider unproductive—for example, scrolling, video games, and TV. Or perhaps you can save time on trips to the supermarket by creating a list of things to buy in advance, or allocate blocks of time when you will check your emails rather than constantly monitoring your inbox throughout the day.

To help create and reinforce your new habit, identify set times throughout your day when you will meditate, just as you do with brushing your teeth.

Interested and want additional tips on how to get cracking with your practice?

• Start with small and achievable. Set yourself the goal of doing one minute at least in the morning and in the evening. Allow yourself to extend this time whenever you feel the urge or desire. No pressure.
• Keep it simple and don’t overcomplicate things. Simply focus your attention on your breath—in and out. When your mind wanders, without judgment, gently bring your focus back to your breath, just like the analogy of the dog pulling on a leash.
• I like to use my earplugs and add some gentle music. There are plenty of appropriate musical options and choices available on Spotify or YouTube.
• Start in a comfortable position, with some type of support for your back. And if you find yourself falling asleep, no stress. Just let the session go and start again later in the day. (This could also potentially be an alert to check your sleep stores—are you getting enough rest? Our brain waves slow down when meditating so we remain alert and focused, but we don’t want them slowing down so much that we are falling asleep.)
• If you get interrupted (the kids start making noise, someone comes to the door, or your phone starts ringing), again, no stress. Just let that session go too.
• Alert people when you’re devoting time to your practice. I have taught the members of my family to let me be when I am meditating. Unless it’s an emergency and the house is burning down or someone’s arm is falling off, it can wait!

It is important to remember that our worries are the stream of jumbled thoughts and stories that we tell ourselves about a given situation. With the awareness of thought that evolves from a consistent meditation practice, we empower ourselves to choose to let go, or to do as we please with these thoughts, thereby opening ourselves up to improved physical and emotional well-being.

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About Olivia Toms

Olivia is a teacher, writer, and mum of two girls. She has experience in community engagement and is currently completing her life coaching accreditation. Olivia is deeply passionate about understanding mindset, and exploring the ways in which we can find happiness and thrive in a complex and rapidly changing world. She can be found on LinkedIn.

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