How I Am Learning to Trust My Body More, and Control It Less

“I’m a beautiful mess of contradiction, a chaotic display of imperfection.” ~Sai Marie Johnson

I don’t identify as having an eating disorder. I don’t struggle with anorexia, bulimia, or binge eating.  Yet I exercise precise control of my weight, down to the pound. If I gain a mere two pounds, I can feel it. First in my stomach. Then in my face.

That’s when the self-loathing kicks in.

I beat myself up for gaining those two pounds.

I wear a shirt to sleep at night, instead of being naked like I am when I am two pounds lighter.

I leave the towel wrapped around me when I get out of the shower, to avoid having to look at my naked body in the mirror.

I eat only a smoothie for breakfast.

I go to bed hungry.

I don’t want to have sex because I don’t feel good in my body.

I restrict myself from food and pleasure until I lose those two pounds.

What’s worse is that I desire to lose even more weight.

Sometimes I google “BMI calculator” and enter my height and weight in the tool. The tool tells me I am a normal weight. I enter a weight several pounds below my actual weight to see what weight I would need to be to be underweight. That weight is 133 pounds.

I secretly crave to be underweight. Which is why I was so happy when I got food poisoning a few weeks ago and weighed 133 pounds for four days.

I am disgusted with myself for being happy about this. I was throwing up for two days, was only eating toast, and was extremely weak. Yet I felt happy because I was smaller.

I didn’t want to return to my normal weight. I wanted to remain small.

I did slowly regain that weight. I hopped on the scale at the gym yesterday and I weigh 136.8 pounds. “Shit,” I thought. I want to be down to 135 before my wedding in three weeks. I quickly started calculating and felt relieved, knowing it would be easy to lose less than two pounds in three weeks. No problem.

I’m also disgusted with myself about the amount of time I spend thinking about food and my weight. What did I eat today? Did I have too many pretzels? What will I eat for dinner? Today was my rest day, so I have to eat less. 

I am slowly becoming aware of how much brain space food and weight take up. I wonder what creativity I could unleash if I devoted less time to thinking about food and more time to brainstorming, dreaming, and problem-solving.

In addition to all this thinking, I also snack incessantly. Yesterday I counted and I went to the kitchen twelve times to get a tiny snack. A couple of pretzels, a mandarin, a handful of granola, a bite of chocolate, a few blueberries.

I’m not sure if my constant snacking is due to actual hunger or if it’s connected to a more general anxiety and inability to relax.

I think it’s both. When I eat a bigger breakfast, I have less desire to snack throughout the day. But I also think there’s an element of anxiety, because I find a moment of calm through the action of putting a bite of something in my mouth. For me this doesn’t show up as over-eating when I’m stressed, it’s more of a daily anxious habit. Perhaps some sort of desire for oral fixation.

I could go even deeper to say that perhaps I feel like I am missing something in my life and, therefore, try to fill that void with snacks. I’m not sure if that’s the case, because mostly I am pretty happy and content. Yet my snacking behavior could suggest otherwise. Perhaps both things can be true. I can be happy in some ways and still yearn for more.

I am also assessing my other eating habits. I don’t severely restrict myself from treats. I eat cake when I want to. I eat McDonald’s at the end of a long backpacking trip. I treat myself to an occasional burger. But I don’t enjoy these less healthy foods guilt-free. If I have cake one night, I’ll work out extra hard the next morning. It’s almost like I punish myself for indulging in a treat.

I’m not sure what’s under my desire to be small. I know some of it comes from messages from society that thin is beautiful, and the insidious design of our culture to distract women with matters of physical appearance, so we have less brain capacity to think about things that really matter. I think it also comes from the positive feedback I receive about how fit I am. As if I’m a better person because I’m thin. I’m not.

To this last point, I’m making an effort to give more non-appearance compliments to other people. My favorite one to give (and to receive) is: “I love your energy.” Let’s attune more to people’s energy than the size of their waist or definition of their brows or shape of their butt.

I also know I have perpetuated these unfair beauty standards. I do it under the guise of: “I want people to be healthy.” But I know that thin does not necessarily mean healthy. I know that bigger does not necessarily mean unhealthy. Also, who decided that being healthy is something to strive for?

Sure, we have a survival instinct, and being strong, mobile, and able to endure will help us survive. But I’m not sure that being healthy is some kind of moral standard. I strive for it for myself, but just like anything else, it’s an individual person’s decision if they want to be healthy, and what healthy means to them.

Yes, I’m seeing the contradiction here, because I say I strive to be healthy, yet my desire to be underweight doesn’t seem mentally (or physically) healthy. The amount of time I spend thinking about food doesn’t seem healthy either. Which means I am going along with the lie that has been shoved down my throat my entire life: the lie that thin and small is beautiful.

Of course I know that is not true. Of course I know that a person’s soul is what makes them beautiful. Of course I know that being weak and underweight is not healthy. Yet in some areas of my life, I act as if I don’t know these things.

I would like to get to a place of trusting and listening to my body. Trusting it when it wants to eat a big burger after a long hike. Trusting it when it wants a piece of cake on a random night. Trusting it when it craves fruits and vegetables. Trusting it when my stomach feels jittery and empty and wants more fuel.

I would also like to get to a place of not beating myself up if I gain two, three, four, or more pounds. I want to actually believe that I am still beautiful and worthy, no matter what my weight is.

Wow. It’s weird to write this. Normally I write about my challenges once I’m on the other side of them. After I have unpacked them. But this time I am writing about a challenge right as I am becoming aware of it. Which means I don’t yet have much wisdom for you. But here’s what I do know:

1. Exercise should be something we do because we love our bodies, not because we want to control them and keep them small.

Sometimes I do have this relationship with exercise.

I love being alive, and I do strength and cardio training because I want to be strong and mobile when I’m old. I want to be on this journey of life as long as possible. I do lunges because I want to be able to climb up a mountain and be stopped in my tracks at the beauty of our planet. I run because those endorphins make me feel good.

Other times, I crank up the incline on the treadmill to punish myself for eating too much popcorn at the movies the night before. Or I try to do all the squats and deadlifts to make my butt rounder. My goal is to release those latter motivations, because those are grounded in control and inadequacy, not love.

2. Your worth is not connected to your weight.  

Read that one again. You are talented, strong, and beautiful no matter what your weight is. You can desire to lose weight or gain muscle or strengthen your heart, but doing so gets to be an act of love.

3. We should stop thinking of indulging as a bad thing.

To indulge is to allow oneself to enjoy the pleasures of life—eating a sweet fig in June, eating a chocolate croissant just because it tastes good, hugging your partner after being apart for a few days, driving through your neighborhood listening to your favorite song, sitting outside in the sun on a summer day, and sipping your coffee in the morning.

Life should be pleasurable, and I want us all to indulge more, without guilt.

4. Get to know your body.

What I mean by that is not just getting to know how your body looks, but how your body functions.

One of the most empowering and transformative things for me in the last few years has been learning about my menstrual cycle. Through reading, coaching, talking to my doctor, and being aware of my own body, I know what is happening hormonally each day of my cycle. I am able to pinpoint the day, how I will feel, and what my body will need. And then I (try to) honor what she needs.

For example, on day seventeen of my cycle I am usually cranky, tired, and hungry. I clear my schedule, sleep more, and eat what I want.

5. Your relationship with your body might not be black and white.  

In some ways, I have a healthy relationship with my body. In other ways (as described above), I do not. Both things can be true. I think the goal is to shift toward a place of love and acceptance, and to spend less time thinking about what you look like and more time being aware of how you feel, how you live in alignment with your values, and how you show up for others.

6. People’s struggles with confidence and self-esteem manifest in many different ways.

Some people close to me might be surprised to hear about my inner dialogue and complex relationship with food because I look healthy. (And mostly, I think I am healthy.) But it doesn’t mean I don’t fall prey to the social pressures to look a certain way. We all do in some way or another.

So let’s have grace, empathy, and understanding for each other, and know that we’re all going through stuff, whether it’s visible or not.

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About Teresa Towey

Teresa Towey is a coach and mentor for women. Teresa curates individual and group spaces to guide you in breaking free from societal expectations about what you “should” do, so you start doing what you want, and are free to express the most wild and creative parts of you. Check out her website and follow her on Instagram. Use this link to schedule a free consult call!

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The Secret to Finding Yourself Again: How to Come Alive

“‘Finding yourself’ is actually returning to yourself. An unlearning, an excavation, a remembering who you were before the world got its hands on you.” ~Emily McDowell

Somewhere between becoming a parent, a wife, and a career woman, I began to lose myself.

I wouldn’t say it happened all at once or as the result of any one thing. Instead, it was a gradual process of disappearing under layers and layers of masks I had to wear in order to play the role of the person others needed me to be.

The caretaker.
The rescuer.
The helper.
The teacher.
The nurturer.
The self-sacrificing stoic.

But who was I really? I started to think I was none of those things.

My true self was buried under years of conditioning, wounding, and unhealthy coping mechanisms, leaving me feeling incredibly lost, anxious, and dissatisfied. Like a hamster on a wheel, I was going through the motions of life with no real purpose and no understanding of why I was doing the things I was doing.

It wasn’t until 2019, when my life came to a screeching halt, that I finally realized just how far from myself I had wandered. A major wake-up call and life-changing moment brought everything into the light.

My marriage was crumbling. My anxiety was through the roof. And my career was sucking the life out of me. Something had to give.

So began the process of unraveling.

It started with a career change, followed by the dissolution of my nineteen-year marriage, and then months of self-exploration and healing. (I excel at dismantling things that are no longer working.)

In order to find myself again, I would have to strip away everything I was not. I would have to peel back layer after layer of masks and facades, wounding, and conditioning, to rediscover who I was at the core… who I was before the world had changed me.

This was no easy task. First, I began with the question, “How did I get here?”

Why had I made the choices I had? Why had I settled for a marriage that was neither healthy nor life-giving? Why had I stayed in a career that was no longer fulfilling and was burning me out? How had I developed self-sabotaging habits and behaviors?

To answer these questions, I dove deep into psychology: my childhood wounds and traumas, the negative coping mechanisms and self-concept I had formed over time, and my unconscious patterns and behaviors.

Through all of the psychological work, I realized that the first step to finding yourself again is to go back to the source of what harmed you. When you know where your patterns and behaviors stem from, the origin of your negative or limiting beliefs (about love, about yourself, about your worth), you are able to carefully target your healing. As any therapist will tell you, we cannot heal that which is hidden.

These are some important things I learned during the process of uncovering.

1. We all have inner child wounds.

When we can trace our feelings of unworthiness, abandonment, or rejection back to their source in our childhood, we will discover that one particular incident (or sometimes a series of repeated incidents) caused the wound. Heal that wound and your spirit will be free.

2. We all have trauma.

Sometimes our trauma is the kind with a capital “T.” Other times it’s a series of smaller, compound traumas that affect us in a big way. Trauma left unhealed will continue to live in the body years after its onset, often presenting itself in physical symptoms and ailments, including but not limited to anxiety, depression, digestive issues, and more serious illnesses. Heal your trauma and your body will thrive.

3. Our patterns of thinking and behaving are often not our own.

As we move through life, we learn and adopt other people’s ways of thinking and viewing the world. Family members, teachers, pastors, political leaders, and society all shape us. As adults, it is up to us to unpack these belief systems to see which belong to us and which do not so that we can release what is no longer serving us. Clear the clutter in your head and you will be blessed with peace of mind.

4. As well-intentioned as our parents were, they couldn’t give us what we needed.

The wounds our parents left unhealed inevitably affected the way they showed up for us. They did the best they knew how with the tools available to them, yet they most likely fell short in some way. Recognizing how our parents’ upbringing impacted their ability to love and support us will help us accept and forgive their shortcomings as well as our own.

Some of the patterns and behaviors I developed over time arose as a form of self-protection and safety. The need to constantly be busy. People-pleasing. Perfectionism. Control. All of these, I later learned, were trauma responses to times in my childhood where I had either been thrown into chaos, abandoned, or made responsible for my caretaker.

For one, I grew up with an absentee father, who also happened to be an alcoholic. His absence and inability to reciprocate love left the child in me feeling unlovable and unworthy. I would carry this wound with me into adulthood, constantly searching for someone or something to fill the empty space his absence had created.

Secondly, my one remaining parent, who was supposed to be my rock and safe space, developed mental illness as a result of the pressure of being a single mom and her own childhood trauma. This hurled my twin sister and me into a tumultuous family dynamic, lacking both stability and emotional safety… one where we had to become the caretakers and grow up way too fast.

Had I known about attachment wounds and trauma earlier in my life, I could have perhaps saved myself a lot of heartache and suffering. It was only through my own willingness and desire to break the cycle, both of my own unhealthy patterns and also those of my family lineage, that I pulled back the curtain to reveal what was hidden.

All of the things keeping me stuck, feeling unhappy and disconnected, were brought into the light. The exposure of my deepest wounds was both uncomfortable and liberating. It was what I needed in order to make peace with my past.

Once you have identified the source of the patterns and wounds that caused you to lose touch with your true self, you may finally begin the beautiful, yet painstaking journey back to yourself.

That’s precisely what I did. After spending one year answering the question, “How did I get here?”, my next question was: “Who am I?”

This involved moving beyond healing and trauma work into the things that lit a spark inside me: my passions, my hobbies, my gifts, and my purpose. I began the quest to reignite my inner fire.

When you know who you are, and you live from that authentic, divine truth inside you, you will experience a kind of freedom and bliss you have never known.

Discovering your innermost self takes place by listening inside, following your joy, and allowing your dreams and desires to take the lead. It happens by spending time with yourself, getting to know yourself, and allowing your heart rather than your head to foster a life of contentment, meaning, and purpose.

You must do these things intentionally. You must say no to some things so that you can say yes to yourself. You must be willing to try new things and go back to that secret world inside you… the one you used to visit as a child when your imagination would run wild and you would allow yourself to play, pretend, and create.

The person you are at the core has never changed. They have just been buried underneath the demands of the world, waiting for you to find them again.

I hope that you will have the courage to take this journey back to yourself…

to let yourself be seen…
to create things that bring you joy…
to cultivate your gifts and share them with others…
to follow your heart and your passions.

Only you will know what these things are for you. You must not allow life or others to decide for you. Each of us was brought into this world to share our unique gifts and talents. Our only job is to remember who we are at the core and then to live from that authentic place.

THIS is what it means to live. This is what it means to come home to yourself.

You need only connect with that deepest part of yourself to uncover the answers you’ve been seeking all along. They have always been there. You just lost yourself for a while, and that’s okay. We all do.

Welcome home, love. It’s good to see you again.

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About April Ross

April Ross is an author, lightworker, and spiritual mentor who guides others on their awakening journey to heal from unhealthy patterns and behaviors, free themselves from the past, and step into becoming their most authentic, aligned selves. She is the author of Bravely Becoming © 2021 and the course creator of Soul Awakened, a step-by-step guide to navigating the awakening process. You can find her course and 1:1 mentorship program here.

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Take Good Care of Yourself When You Do Well AND When You Fall Short

“Kindness is choosing love over hate, light over darkness, compassion over judgment.” ~Raktivist

One of the things about being “good” (and for me that includes things like patience, kindness, and being agreeable) is that people assume things about me. They think I’m always patient, I always make the right decisions, and I’m an all-around great person.

Well, I’m not always anything—except human. And that means I make mistakes, big ones even. This week I did NOT set an example of perfection. I had a moment when I became the exact opposite: loud and emotional. I melted down.

Why did this happen?

The answer was my lesson.

It came to me during my apology: I didn’t take care of myself. I made no time to decompress, to slow down, to breathe and recenter.

When I’m run down, everyone feels it. And when I’m full, everyone feels it. It’s not an excuse for my behavior; it’s awareness that is teaching me how my needs fit into the equation of life. 

That one question led me down a rabbit hole. All week I stayed curious. Why did this happen?? And all week, I kept getting answers.

It happens because when you’re perfect, good, and strong, other people think you can handle anything because you normally handle everything. But the truth is that being seen this way makes it hard to ask for help.

It happens because you don’t want to let people down.

It happens because you’re taught that if you’re not giving, you’re taking.

It happens because you’re taught to believe that everyone else’s needs are just a little more important than yours.

It happens because you believe that you need to do it “all” because it’s proof that you’re worthy (of love, space, time… you name it).

It happens because everything your family, culture, and society teach you revolves around giving.

And there’s nothing wrong with giving. But if you don’t learn how to receive, you’ll end up burned out, overworked, and underwhelmed with your life. Instead of giving with love and joy, you’ll give from a place of frustration and resentment. 

Receiving is how you get to keep giving. It’s the part of the puzzle no one teaches us about. It’s the missing piece that we beat ourselves up over, judging and criticizing ourselves for not being able to be everything for everyone.

Whether it’s boundaries, food, sleep, work, or family, we believe we’re lacking some quality that’s the answer to how we can meet our own needs without guilt. Like the ability to be nice to ourselves is a personality trait we don’t possess.

But there’s nothing wrong with any of us. We’ve all just been practicing some old, unhelpful habits.

Lately, I’ve been wondering what happens when you start practicing constructive habits instead of destructive ones.

So I gave it a try.

This time, after my meltdown, I caught myself mid-act and saw it as opportunity to take care of myself by being kind to myself.

I paused, picked myself up, and turned things around. I apologized, checked-in, and even found a win. Imperfection, as ugly as it can look, holds the chance for connection when we accept ourselves instead of judging ourselves. All that judging and shaming is so distracting from the one goal we all want—to be happy.

I’ve noticed constructive habits keep offering me insight from somewhere deep inside. I don’t know if it’s intuitive knowledge or universal wisdom. Either way, it supports me and my loved ones. My response to my own actions ended up being the example I want to set.

What if this could happen every time we messed up or mis-stepped? What if instead of telling ourselves something like, I always yell or I never say the right thing, we ask ourselves a question? Instead of being mean to ourselves, we get curious…

Ask, why did this happen?

What kind of insight might this lead to? And what doors does it open up for us? Certainly, we will make mistakes again in the future, but what if we made new ones instead of the same ones over and over again? What if our compassion allowed us to evolve?

It’s taken me a long time to feel like making mistakes is acceptable and even longer to feel comfortable sharing them. But of all the lessons, this is one of the biggies. Take good care of yourself when you do well AND when you fall short. 

You will make mistakes. You will be wrong sometimes. But you can say sorry. You can forgive yourself. You can learn. You can hold the lesson close to your heart and still move forward.

You can stop judging yourself and replaying your lowest moments. Guilt, embarrassment, and self-loathing are not great motivators, but great ruminators that keep us stuck.

Getting unstuck is our greatest challenge and how we evolve. Imperfection isn’t your flaw. It’s your opportunity to grow.

We’re all better at celebrating our wins than we are at finding the gold buried in our losses. But I believe that’s a new habit worth developing. Building this new muscle has the power to move us away from the toxic and lonely nature of perfectionism, people-pleasing, and regret.

Take good care of yourself.

It’s how to experience the life you want.

It’s how to have deep, meaningful, and lasting relationships.

It’s how to achieve and feel good.

Take good care of yourself—so you don’t get burned out and so you don’t waste your limited energy getting down on yourself.

It has the greatest positive ripple effect you can create in the world.

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About Nithya Karia

Nithya Karia is a lifestyle coach teaching women five simple habits to prioritize their health and happiness without the guilt. As a coach, speaker, and writer, Nithya explores how your current habits might be barriers to joy and how to transform them into High Vibe Habits so you gain the clarity, control, and confidence to thrive. Learn more about High Vibe living: https://nithyakaria.com

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How I Finally Starved the Disorder That Was Eating Me Alive

“If we are ready to tear down the walls that confine us, break the cage that imprisons us, we will discover what our wings are for.” ~Michael Meegan

It’s weird, isn’t it? One day you’re playing hide and seek with friends without a worry beyond the playdate you’re having or dinner options for that night. But in a blink, those carefree days vanish. That’s what happened to me, and my teenage years started ticking away right in front of my eyes. Eleven, thirteen, fifteen, seventeen, nineteen…

And a realization hit me: “It’s still eating me alive.”

Maybe it wasn’t as severe as it was before, and I wasn’t underweight anymore, but I still needed control.

Let me give you a little background about myself to provide you with some context. At the age of ten, I moved to the United States with my family. These big changes caused a lot of insecurity, impostor syndrome, and anxiety within me. I needed a way to become “better,” to “fit in,” and to control what was happening.

It was impossible for me to suddenly turn into a cute, fun, skinny, blonde cheerleader. So I innocently turned to something that made me feel in control. If I could start “eating healthier” and “becoming the best version of myself,” I thought, I would finally fit in. Little did I know that this decision would haunt me for a long time to come.

I was diagnosed with anorexia nervosa at twelve. I turned thirteen in the hospital. I even refused to eat my own birthday cake. I moved on to residential treatment, a partial hospitalization program, and then outpatient.

After a year of treatment, I had checked all the boxes and jumped through all the hoops, and I was finally “recovered.”

On the outside, I was a success story—weight restored, eating again, and out of treatment. But inside, the disorder still maintained a relentless grip in subtle ways I couldn’t ignore.

No, I wasn’t crying over a handful of cashews, but I was counting exactly how many went into my mouth. I would go on midnight ice cream runs with my friends, but quickly search for nutritional information and get the flavor with the lowest calories.

Even though I didn’t want sorbet, I got it. Even though I wanted a medium, I got a small. Even though I wanted sprinkles like everyone else, I wouldn’t get them.

You get the point. The carefree joy of picking a flavor based on taste and intuition was gone.

At times I’d think that maybe I was still not fully recovered… then a voice would interrupt, “SNAP OUT OF IT. You are fine. You ate ice cream, so you couldn’t possibly be sick. You are just practicing self-control.”

And just like that, I’d be back in this hypnotic state. I’d repeat the cycle over and over again. Once again, the disorder would take a bite into my enjoyment and precious memories.

I eventually realized that this disorder doesn’t care about what type of hold it has on you. As long as it is still alive and gripping onto you in some manner, it is happy.

Every single time I give in, YOU give in, the disorder is fed and empowered.

Whether that means not putting on the extra bit of sauce you want because it “isn’t necessary” or intermittent fasting because of “digestive issues,” it doesn’t care.

I believe there are so many relapses in recovery for this exact reason. Because it is hard to completely let go.

In time, I became aware of all the different little ways the disorder could manifest itself. I realized that this disease I thought had lasted five years was still present and would continue leeching off me for life if I didn’t do something about it.

I’m going to share with you the process that helped me starve my eating disorder and loosen its grip on every aspect of my life.

If we don’t fully let go and don’t resist all those little temptations we give in to, they start compounding and, like a virus, the disorder spreads and grows.

So how did I finally starve it?

This is the process I followed daily.

1. Reflect

Take time to reflect on your past and recognize all the small ways the disorder has shown up in your life. I suggest writing everything that comes to mind. You’ll likely identify scenarios you hadn’t thought twice about at the moment and in hindsight realize the disorder was controlling you. Identifying all the ways it sneaks in will help you recognize the patterns while they are happening.

Write everything down. Even if it seems insignificant. From not adding extra cheese to your spaghetti to ignoring hunger in the morning, write it all down.

One thing that helped me was comparing my present behaviors to my younger self’s. “Would younger Sophi add extra cheese to her pasta?” If she would, then so do I. Sounds silly, but try it out.

Also, reflect on times you may have used food restriction or bingeing behaviors to avoid or “stuff down” difficult emotions like loneliness, anxiety, shame, or disappointment. Instead of facing those feelings, the disorder offered an unhealthy coping mechanism. Now that you have awareness, you can work on identifying the core issues or needs beneath those emotions so you can address them in a healthy manner. Rather than stuffing feelings down or starving yourself, get to the root and nurture yourself properly.

2. Redirect

Now that you are conscious of the behaviors, I want you to do something. Each time you recognize the disorder sneaking in, ask yourself “Am I going to feed it? Or myself?” You can’t do both. They are literal opposites.

If you ask this question, it creates friction. Friction gives you the chance to decide consciously rather than engaging in the automatic behavior you are used to.

Keep in mind that feeding yourself may be in a physical and literal way. But other times it simply means choosing to feed a hobby you enjoy, a relationship you want to develop, or a goal you want to achieve. This disorder drains your energy and sucks the life out of you. Energy and life you could be pouring into YOURSELF.

You get to choose. Are you going to engage in conversations with your loved ones? Or think about how you are going to compensate for the dinner you ate?

3. Repeat

As much as I would love to tell you this is a one-time thing, it isn’t. You have to constantly repeat this process and not beat yourself up because of slip-ups.

This is like any other habit. If you have been practicing it for years, it is a neuropathway in your brain. So you have to forge another healthy and helpful pathway, which is done through repetition and consistency. Years of reinforcing behavior will take time to change, so be kind to yourself.

While completely eliminating behaviors associated with your disorder may seem impossible, consistently choosing recovery over disorder is the goal. Even if you experience setbacks, make the choice to feed your true self rather than the disorder as often as possible. Keep being resilient and trying again. With time and practice, choosing yourself will become more natural. But you have to keep making that choice, even when it’s difficult. Feed your spirit, feed your dreams, feed your life.

Just like one of my dietitians told me, “Your eating disorder will stay alive as long as you let it.” I know it doesn’t seem like it sometimes, but you are actively choosing. I invite you to choose FULL recovery and destruction of your eating disorder.

I don’t mean to learn how to function and co-exist with it, but to destroy it.

Enjoying every ice cream outing with friends, saying yes to a coffee run, and letting yourself be intuitive and authentic.

I knew a friend years ago whose mom struggled with an eating disorder when she was younger. At the time, the family felt she was recovered like she had overcome the beast. Looking back now, I realize the eating disorder still gripped her life in subtle ways.

She skipped family dinners because cooking made her “full.” She viewed extreme dieting as a hobby, not the unhealthy compulsion it was. All this to say, now I realize, years later, she was still controlled.

Without intentional healing, those ingrained patterns persisted, slowly impacting her family as well.

For example, her daughter began mimicking her mother’s disordered eating habits and extreme dieting rules, developing body image issues and an unhealthy relationship with food at a young age. The mother’s fixation on calorie counting and skipping family meals also disrupted bonding time, as she isolated herself and couldn’t enjoy family dinners or holidays.

I encourage you to write your “why” lists. Why is recovery worth fighting for? What makes you want this? Is it your future family or your goals, or are you simply sick of living under the rules of the disorder?

It takes energy and strength to constantly fight it, but the less you feed it, the weaker it becomes. The weaker it gets, the fuller your life becomes and the stronger and happier you get. You deserve to live freely and fully, without shame or restrictions holding you back.

I believe in you!

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About Sophia Victoria

Sophia Victoria, a dedicated health and wellness enthusiast, triumphed over a six-year eating disorder struggle, fueling her mission to guide others toward truth and healing. Through her insightful blog, she shares invaluable tips and resources for health and wellness empowering individuals to embark on their own transformative journeys. Learn more at sophiv.com and @sophibelmar (Instagram).

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How I Healed My Strained Relationship with My Addict Mother

“We come to love not by finding a perfect person, but by learning to see an imperfect person perfectly.” ~Sam Keen

Like so many of us, my relationship with my mother throughout my life is best described as complicated.

We’ve had our fair share of turbulent times in our journey, and her alcoholism and drug abuse while I was growing up fueled great dysfunction on every level: literal physical fighting when I was a teenager (yep, Jerry Springer-style), seemingly continual acts of rebellion, a total lack of understanding, deep mistrust, unwillingness (or likely even an inability at the time) to change, and ultimately a total separation when I was thirteen years old that would take decades to shift.

Today, I’m forty-eight years old, and my mother and I have been rebuilding our relationship for over twenty years.

I deeply acknowledge how her decision to get sober and stay sober in 2001 laid the foundation for me to develop the willingness to try and have a relationship. To get to where we are today has required a lot of deeply personal internal work for me, and it is my hope that by sharing my story, you may feel hope and even inspiration on your journey.

My mother was just twenty years old when I was born, and by the time my sister was born two years later, my parents were already divorced. My mother grew up in fourteen foster homes and became the first cycle breaker in our family by deciding to walk away from the system at eighteen and not seek contact with her family. (It’s so clear to me now how truly ill-equipped she was to be a parent.)

My sister and I lived with my mother, and we saw our father some weekends but there was never a consistent schedule, as consistency wasn’t a word that could describe any part of our childhood. I lived briefly with my father when I was five for one year, and my sister stayed with my mom.

Because of the inconsistent contact with my father, over the years I idealized him and his life, which was often a bone of contention with my mother.

By the age of thirteen, I had grown extremely tired of life with my mother and fantasized daily about creating a new one. After a particularly awful experience where she came to my school drunk and dragged me out of the school dance by my hair, I decided to take action and to seek refuge for me and my little sister by living with my father an eight-hour drive away (my paternal grandmother helped to facilitate this).

When we left my mother’s house, we didn’t have any contact with her for a few years. She moved away from California, and I turned my focus to my new and exciting life with my father. Boy, was I in for a surprise and more excitement than I could have ever wanted!

My father worked in the blossoming tech industry when we moved in with him in Southern California in 1989. He had a house built for us in a swanky new development, and at first, it really felt like life was taking a turn for the better.

Until it wasn’t. It really, really wasn’t.

One fateful day, my father went out for a haircut and didn’t return for three days, leaving us with our stepmother, who never wanted kids or for us to come and live with them. When he returned, he was disheveled—no haircut—and extremely quiet.

Through the angrily clenched teeth of my stepmother’s whisper in my ear, I found out that my father was a barely functioning drug addict who enjoyed cocaine, heroin, and eventually to his demise, crack cocaine (crack is definitely whack).

As my grandmother would say, we jumped from the frying pan into the fire, and after living with him for not quite two years, he committed suicide when I was just fifteen. Since we had no relationship with my mother and didn’t want one, my paternal grandmother graciously took us in, and I again turned my focus to starting a new life.

At the tender age of sixteen, I decided that both of my parents were losers and I only wanted to move forward with my new life with my grandmother. I turned my focus toward school but made plenty of room for recreational drinking, experimenting with LSD and mushrooms, and going to metal concerts in the Bay Area.

I went off to college at eighteen (with a decent GPA, considering), the first in my immediate family to do so, determined that I would be the next cycle breaker by being and doing better than where I came from.

Until it appeared that I wouldn’t be or do any better.

I got unexpectedly pregnant with my son when I was twenty (just like my mom) while in college, and this news was not well received by my grandmother, who “thought I was going to be different.” I was still determined to break the cycle, and my grandmother’s comment would fuel years of overachieving in an effort to prove myself (my story of incredible burnout is one for another day!).

I extended a tentative and boundaried-up olive branch to my mother, allowing her to come to the hospital when my son was born as long as she was sober (amongst other rules). It would take another four years, a second child for me, and a fateful DUI for her to choose sobriety. This was the fragile beginning of deep healing and transformation for me that would take many, many years.

“As traumatized children we always dreamed that someone would come and save us. We never dreamed that it would, in fact, be ourselves, as adults.” ~Alice Little

I can share four things that I did (and do) that helped me to come to the place where I am able to have a positive relationship with my mother after all of the dysfunction that defined our relationship for most of my life.

1. I looked at pictures of my mother as a child and committed them to memory.

Seeing my mother as a child helped me to view her as more than just my mother. I looked at photos of my mother when she was younger and imagined the trauma she experienced as a child and how much pain and suffering that little girl endured that affected how she evolved into an adult and a parent.

This practice gave me insight and helped me to develop compassion for her and her journey.

I learned that I had the ability to consciously choose another perspective, another way of looking at her. Picturing her as a young child and thinking of the experiences she has slowly shared with me over the years gave me a new light and new eyes with which to see her.

I still use this practice when I need to cultivate compassion for her, as we are not in the same place when it comes to our healing journeys, and sometimes I need this reminder when I interact with her.

2. I made a conscious decision to let go of my story about the mother I wished she was and my victim mentality around my childhood.

First, I had to become deeply aware of the story I told myself about my mother and my childhood. Writing in my journal about it helped me the most, knowing that this was my private and sacred place that I didn’t have to share with anyone if I didn’t want to.

I asked and responded to questions like “Who is my mother to me? How do I feel about my mother? Who did I wish my mother to be? How do I wish things were different when I was growing up? What were the best parts of my childhood? What were the worst parts?”

Once I developed deep awareness of my thoughts, feelings, and perspectives on my experiences, I made the conscious decision to let go of the story of the mother that I wished I had and how I felt like I was dealt a terrible hand in the parent department. I consciously decided that I was not a victim of my childhood, nor a victim of my mother. I embraced and eventually accepted that all of my experiences helped me to be who I am today.

On my spiritual and healing journey, I discovered that some people believe we actually choose our parents before our souls incarnate into this life, and that we choose the parents that can teach us the most in our lifetime.

This idea helped me to look at my mother and my childhood in a different way. I now deeply know that she is the perfect parent for me because I have never liked being told what to do, and she was absolutely the best at teaching me what I didn’t want so I could forge my own path (she always did say when we were kids that “I’m a warning not an example!”).

3. I let go of the expectations that I had created for her as a mother.

 Society, family, the media, and movies all paint pictures for us about what parents and families should and shouldn’t be. We are both subtly and overtly programmed with certain expectations for how we and others should be and should behave, especially in specific roles, like that of a parent.

I realized by looking deeply that I had a lot of expectations for how my parents should be that were not realistic and not even fair given who they actually were. Recognizing my expectations and making a conscious decision to let them go allowed me to create space for my mother to just be who she is without me getting disappointed when she couldn’t be or do what I wanted her to.

4. I created boundaries for myself for our relationship from a place of love and compassion for both of us.

 I looked deeply at what I needed as a conscious adult to have a positive relationship with my mother, and I created boundaries to support myself. It was important to me that these boundaries came from a place of love and compassion for the both of us, with the intention to keep our relationship positive.

One boundary that has really helped me with our relationship is to be mindful of what we talk about and how I choose to respond.

We don’t often share the same views on politics, for example, so I’ve set the boundary that we just don’t talk about this. If she happens to say something political that I don’t agree with, I usually just don’t say anything, as it’s really not that important to me to die on that hill (and I try to find a kind way to shift the topic of conversation without engaging).

My mother feels differently, but I believe that she still has deep healing to do around the trauma she experienced as a child. This topic has become a boundary for me because we are not yet in the place to have deep conversations about this, and that’s okay. I’ve accepted that we can’t go there right now (and maybe never will), so I choose to let it go.

It also helps me greatly to remember that we are all doing the best we can with our current level of consciousness, and that no matter where we are in the journey, there is always more to be learned. This reminder helps me to cultivate patience and grace with and around my mother (and others).

While I wouldn’t classify our relationship as perfect by any stretch, I’ve come to learn that there is no such thing as a perfect relationship, but there are times when making an effort to have an imperfect relationship is the perfect medicine for healing.

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About Deanna Thomas

Deanna Thomas is the owner and creator of Calm Spirit Wellbeing offering services to help others cultivate inner peace, restore from the stresses of modern living, and to create unique toolkits to promote ongoing wellbeing. She is a former public school educator, Usui Reiki Master Teacher, licensed massage therapist, writer, and yogi. Visit www.calmspiritwellbeing.com to subscribe to her newsletter, read her blog, and to learn more about her services. IG and FB @calmspiritwellbeing.

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Why True Happiness Is Not Just About Reaching Your Goals

“Success isn’t about how your life looks to others. It’s about how it feels to you.” ~Michelle Obama

Do you have goals? Why do you have these goals? What will change if you accomplish them?

Will you be happy?

Think about this for a second: You’ve already achieved goals that you said would make you happy.

Pause.

Think about that again.

You’ve already achieved goals that you said would make you happy.

Well, that’s a humbling reality check, isn’t it? So why aren’t you experiencing everlasting happiness and satisfaction?

No matter the goal’s size, the reward level, or the amount of success achieved, it all passes in the blink of an eye.

Wherever you go, there you are, my friend.

Actress Emma Watson, known for her role in the Harry Potter series, said, “I’ve realized that the success I’ve been seeking is not the success I want. I’m no longer sure what my own ambitions are or what success even means.”

Singer-songwriter Justin Bieber said, “I’m a person who has feelings and I’m sensitive. All these things that people think are wonderful, it’s like, I don’t even know what this means. I just want to be happy.”

Entrepreneur and author Tim Ferriss said, “The 4-Hour Work Week was a runaway success, but it didn’t make me happy. In fact, it made me more stressed out and miserable than ever before. I realized that true happiness comes from doing work that you love, not from achieving external success.”

In his autobiography Open, Tennis player Andre Agassi wrote about his realization after winning his first Wimbledon title: “I thought it would be the greatest moment of my life, but it wasn’t. I felt empty. Winning Wimbledon was just another step in the journey.”

Musician John Mayer said, “I thought that if I had a hit record, I’d finally be happy. But then I had a hit record, and I was still the same guy with all the same problems. I had to learn that happiness comes from within, not from external achievements.”

Every single one of these people struggled because their identity became tied to external validation.

No longer were they pursuing their craft for the love and passion they once had; the unhealthy relationship with the goal made it an ugly means to an end that left them feeling directionless.

If you want to remain happy, give yourself a process that creates enjoyment.

It’s the progress we make toward the goal that makes us happy. It’s living up to our potential.

It’s doing something that makes your life feel like it matters. It’s the decision to make something a priority in your life. This is the only thing that will change your life.

There’s nothing you can buy or achieve that leads to everlasting happiness.

Every job is a joke in comparison to raising a child. There’s not even a close second.

Parenting cannot be mastered like a skill acquired by a mechanic because there is no set formula or blueprint for raising a child. Every child is unique, and the challenges and joys of parenting are constantly changing.

Unlike a skill that can be honed through practice and experience, parenting requires adaptability, patience, and a deep understanding of each child’s individual needs and development. Every parent is navigating the journey of parenting without a definitive manual, learning and growing alongside their child.

Put simply: Every parent is hanging on for dear life. You’re simply along for the ride.

Yet, it’s given me the most joy I’ve ever had.

And this is from a guy who once popped MDMA like they were candies from his grandma’s purse: there’s no delight more unspoiled than the cascade of dopamine that drenches your mind, a waterfall of ecstasy, tranquillity, and pleasure that quenches your thirst for happiness.

But holy crap, the other side of that pill was a water slide straight into hell. The recreational use of ecstasy was my own means to an end. It left me hollow, nightmarishly depressed, and unwilling to cope because life felt black and white.

Having a daughter brought color back into my life.

I didn’t even want to be a dad until my mid-thirties. Mainly because I felt like a train wreck, and selfishly, I thought it would make me unhappy.

Now I feel like every day has meaning. There is no end goal. There’s only the North Star of living up to my potential as a person and father. It feels like my life matters. I have a priority that’s bigger than myself.

And it’s the sobering reminder that kids (and adults) don’t hear the words you say, they watch your actions.

The shit you actually live and breathe.

They see what you value by your behavior.

When I decide to show up despite feeling depressed, I’m happy not because I’ve achieved something but because my action is a vote toward the person I want to become.

That person, to me, is someone who doesn’t shy away from obstacles. That person sees value in being vulnerable. That person acts out of integrity because true alignment is the only thing that makes us happy. Why? Because that person takes action even when no one is watching. That person knows that happiness comes from within.

Your journey might be riddled with self-doubt and past mistakes, but remember, happiness isn’t a destination; it’s found in our everyday choices and the actions we take.

For starters, live by your values, every single day.

Every morning, take a quiet moment to reflect on your core values as you sip your coffee or tea. Then, decide on one action you can take that day that mirrors those values. This isn’t about grand gestures but the simple, everyday decisions that sculpt the canvas of your life.

Next, revel in the journey, not just the destination.

Think of the celebrities and their revelations. It was never about the final accolade but the thrilling ride that got them there. It’s not the finish line that counts most, but the steps taken, the hurdles overcome, the growth experienced.

So pick something you’re passionate about. Work at it, bit by bit, every day. Find joy in every small victory, every lesson learned. Relish the journey, not just the anticipation of the destination.

Lastly, value relationships and personal growth over trophies.

The most profound joys often bloom from genuine human connections and the growth we experience alongside them. Set aside some time each day, even if it’s just a few minutes, to connect deeply with a loved one, a friend, or even with yourself. The treasure lies not in the praises the world showers on you but in the smiles you share, the understanding you build, and the personal battles you conquer.

It’s not just about achieving your goals; it’s about realizing your worth, showing up for yourself and the people you love, and recognizing that you and your choices matter.

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About Chris Wilson

Through battles with depression and bipolar, Chris Wilson discovered the art of reaching one's true potential even on the darkest days. He invites you to join him in his free course, "True Potential Transformation: Cheat Codes for Navigating Bipolar & Depression with Mastery." Experience breakthroughs in clarity, resilience, and intentional living and create a life of joy, purpose, and self-understanding. If you've ever wondered, "Am I reaching my true potential?", this is your sign to explore, grow, and transform.

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Feeling Pressured to Follow the Crowd and Become Someone You’re Not?

In a world that pressures us to conform and toe the line, it can be hard to live a fulfilling, authentic life.

We can easily spend years trying to be someone or something we’re not—checking off all the right boxes, meeting everyone’s expectations—all in a bid to gain approval from society, our peers, our parents, and even ourselves.

But this comes at a steep cost to our well-being. Not only do we lose ourselves and slowly disconnect from everything that brings us joy and meaning, but we can also end up hating ourselves for struggling to measure up… when ironically, we don’t even really want the things we’re pushing ourselves to achieve. We just think we’re supposed to attain them.

If any of this sounds familiar to you (and I suspect it does for most of us), I think you’ll appreciate this heartfelt letter from Tiny Buddha contributor Antasha Durbin Solomon’s book, Are You on the Right Track? A 101-Day Guided Journal from the Universe.

I hope it serves as a reminder that the best person you can ever be is yourself.

Letter 71: Living an Authentic Life

Dearest One, 

You could spend your entire life pretending to be someone you’re not, all in a bid to gain acceptance from others. But when your journey comes to an end, you’ll pull off the mask you’ve been wearing and realize you wasted your life playing pretend. 

Or you can make the conscious decision to take the path less traveled and live authentically as yourself. This takes courage, especially in a world that programs you to believe that money, beauty, and recognition are the most important things in life. 

Let this letter serve as a reminder that your time on Earth is limited, but you are not. Don’t waste another second pretending to be someone you’re not. Embrace your uniqueness and every attribute that makes you who you are. Explore your interests. Build upon your passions. And spend your time—your greatest currency—in whatever way truly serves you. 

You get one shot at this life. Make yours count. 

With endless love,

The Universe 

Are You on the Right Track? is truly a treasure trove of inspiration and motivation. Each letter offers simple yet powerful reminders to help you take back your power and live a purpose-filled life. And the journal prompts can help you dig deeper and make meaningful change, one step and one day at a time.

To access the full journal and all 101 letters, click here. When you buy the book (eBook or paperback), you’ll receive free enrollment in Antasha’s popular online course, “21 Days of Energy Healing for a Happier, Healthier Life,” which typically costs $49.99. To gain access:

• Order Are You on the Right Track?
• Email your proof of purchase receipt to hi@cajspirituality.com.

Antasha will then provide you with an access code and course link.

I hope you enjoy this transformational journal as much as I did!

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She’s also the author of Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal, Tiny Buddha's Worry Journal, and Tiny Buddha's Inner Strength Journal and co-founder of Recreate Your Life Story, an online course that helps you let go of the past and live a life you love. For daily wisdom, join the Tiny Buddha list here. You can also follow Tiny Buddha on Facebook, Twitter, and Instagram.

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How I Found My “Why” in Life After Struggling for Years

“Your purpose in life is to find your purpose and give your whole heart and soul to it.” ~Gautama Buddha

Each time I start a new course, training, or venture, the teacher or leader asks me “why?” “Why are you here?” “Why are you taking this course?” “What’s your ‘why’?” “What’s your purpose?”

And I’m never prepared.

You’d think by now, after all the years of working on myself and studying, I would have an answer on the tip of my tongue.

Yet, I find “why” to be a difficult question to answer.

I have wondered, “Do I really not know? What’s the block?”

Then it dawned on me.

The reason I find it difficult to answer the “why” question is because I don’t have just one.

I have so many whys and I’m motivated by so many things that my head just gets overwhelmed and rolls up into a ball when I think I have to come up with just one.

So I get stuck, draw a blank, and can’t answer the question.

This was an enlightening insight for me because previously I thought I was only allowed to have one purpose.

Yes, allowed.

I would take what the authors, teachers, and books told me about purpose very seriously. I thought they really meant I could only have one all-encompassing purpose, and that’s that!

So I spent a great deal of time trying to figure that big purpose out, to find, as one teacher guided me, the “why that could make me cry.” To no success.

It was a relief when I realized and accepted how multi-faceted my purpose actually is.

It doesn’t make it wrong, bad, or insufficient. It makes me smile and relax and allows me to enjoy the many aspects of my being.

It has brought me a stronger sense of inner peace also, by letting go of trying to fit myself into a mold that someone else made.

That’s right. I am breaking the mold and creating my own one.

Here’s what I mean by a multifaceted purpose.

Purpose #1: Personal Growth

Without a doubt, I am driven by my relentless interest in growing as a person in all aspects of my life.

For example, I read a lot about health and fitness. I’ve been doing CrossFit for over four years. I’m always adjusting my diet to find one that works even better for me. I love growing into the best health and fitness version of myself.

The vision of myself at a CrossFit class when I am ninety is a huge motivator for me. I don’t ever want to be a burden on my loved ones. That’s wrapped up in this “why” also.

I have studied psychology, trained as a therapist, and been in different forms of therapy my whole life. There are amazing emotional teachers and healers who I follow.

I am always striving to grow into the happiest, most well-balanced person I can be who is kind, supportive, and loving to myself and others.

My spirituality is my rock. I have meditated for over forty years. I have read spiritual books and studied ancient texts in school. I listen, I learn, I try. I hope to keep raising my consciousness forever.

And I learn about my craft, my work, my business. I never stop learning.

Yes, indeed, personal growth is one of my “whys” in life.

Purpose #2: Fulfilling My Potential

I have always had the idea that I was capable of much more.

I was an athlete as a child. I played and watched a lot of sports.

I was uplifted and excited when I saw people breaking records and pushing themselves beyond what anyone thought was possible.

And I loved the arts. I was mesmerized by ballet dancers doing extraordinary things on stage. And musicians performing at their best. Even paintings by remarkable painters took my breath away.

It’s genius that I was seeing. People pushing themselves to be the very best they were capable of.

The idea that humans, meaning me too, could excel in that way fascinated and captivated me.

I want to do that too. Fulfilling my potential is a huge “why” in my life.

Purpose #3: Making a Difference

I want to alleviate suffering in the world.

Perhaps seeing my parents suffering with sadness and depression and not being able to help them fuels this purpose.

Even so, my drive to alleviate suffering has evolved into something very satisfying and motivating.

It is the cornerstone of my work; it colors all my relationships. It gives me a reason that is beyond myself.

Being of service is another way of looking at this particular “why.”

I’ve noticed that if I’m not careful, my first two “whys,” personal growth and fulfilling my potential, will keep my focus a little too self-centered.

I really do want to be a catalyst for positive change in people. It’s also pretty clear that I’m not driven to go out there to actually change the whole world.

At times, I have felt some guilt for not being more active for social change.

But over the years, I have come to understand that the change I help facilitate in the world is very personal, individual, and intimate. And that’s okay.

Whether it’s friends, family, or clients, nothing feels more meaningful to me than seeing someone’s whole energy shift, burdens lift, and excitement return to their faces.

Pretty sure my love of alleviating suffering counts as part of my life purpose.

So let’s try this again.

“What’s your why?” you ask?

“It’s personal growth, fulfilling my potential, and alleviating suffering in others.”

That just makes me so happy. There is such a life lesson here in my awareness of my multifaceted purpose.

We are so influenced by others’ teachings that sometimes we forget to look deep inside ourselves for the answers we seek.

Yes, we can learn wonderful things from the stories and studies of people, yet our truest and most profound learnings must come from within.

Rather than taking lessons at face value, we must explore them, put them on like a new piece of clothing to see how it fits, how we look, if it suits us, and if we really like it.

We want guidance to resonate with us. That means it’s in alignment with our nature.

Having one purpose just didn’t fit me. I’m not a one-size-fits-all kind of person.

And now, allowing myself to be myself, to recognize and embrace my multifaceted purpose, has given me much more inner peace.

The internal struggle with myself has subsided.

I get to be who I am, regardless of what the experts may teach.

Uh oh, I think I may have landed on another “why.” What’s my purpose in life?

Purpose #4: To be myself

I love it.

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About Lisa Garber

Lisa is an avid meditator, CrossFit enthusiast and a psychotherapist turned life coach. She’s very skilled at getting  you unstuck and moving toward your goals and dreams. You can find more insights and adventures on Lisa’s blog  https://lisagarber.com . And you can follow her on Instagram @lisagarbercoaching.

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When It’s Time to Let People Go: How I’ve Lightened My Emotional Load

“Love yourself enough to let go of the people, thoughts, and habits that are weighing you down.” ~Karen Salmansohn

More than a year ago I started unpacking and cleaning out my ‘backpack’ of life in a different way.

I have always tried to remain friends with exes, and even though we didn’t necessarily socialize together, there was still the odd keeping in touch, helping them with a favor, or “Happy Birthday” text.

While most of them are generally nice people, the truth is that if I never dated them, I probably wouldn’t be friends with them now. We’re just on different paths, have grown in different ways, or have vastly different priorities (or values). Also, some were great manipulators, and for others I was maybe a time-filler.

Regardless, they were forming part of the emotional baggage I carried in my life backpack every day. I certainly don’t pine over them or even think about them all that much, but I felt a sense of intense guilt at the thought of cutting them off.

Would I be a bad friend? Would I be a bad person for no longer helping with favors, doing an odd work presentation they needed help with, or being available for emotional support?

The truth is, their work presentations and financial and emotional well-being were never my responsibility to start with. As a partner, I certainly want to support and build up my partner in love, but taking on these burdens, whether in or out of the relationship, just drove me to feeling guilt and an immense sense of failure.

As much as I tried, I could never fully solve their problems, take away their pains, or make them happy.

Ego Introspection—Another Hard Truth

Another hard truth is that I really was just an easy target for them to shift their responsibilities. Whether it was the work presentation or an emotional off-load, I felt that I had to be there. Why?

I’d feel guilty if things didn’t work out because I’d said “no”—whether due to their conscious or subconscious manipulation or my own attachment. Maybe I felt a sense of being the hero. Was I dependent on them for an ego boost?

Stuffing My Backpack to Zip-Busting Stage

This was taking up space in my life backpack. The thing is, every backpack can only fit so many things. If your pack is full, but you want to fit that extra little thing, you’ll have to remove something else. There’s only so much space.

Why carry heavy stones in a backpack and then complain that you can’t fit a nutritious lunch, your favorite book, or a jacket to keep you warm?

This is exactly what I was doing. I was filling my backpack with emotional attachments and baggage that were weighing me down. While they didn’t take up much time in my life, they took up a lot of space in my head.

Sometimes I removed the stones of guilt or failure, but often I put them back inside. Sometimes I just removed them from the backpack but carried them in my hands instead.

Because they occupied my time and emotions, I was unable to be vulnerable with others. Some friends withdrew because they knew I always had a subtle attachment lingering in the back of my head. I missed out on many great friendships because I was not fully open.

Although I was technically free enough to be fully present in other friendships and relationships, there was an underlying manipulation to remain somewhat faithful to the expectations of my ex. They didn’t want me, but they didn’t want to fully free me.

Unless I completely removed the stones and left them behind, tossed them away, I would never have space for more amazing things in that backpack. In fact, the seams would rip and the zipper would break, and it would be harder to hold anything at all.

I have witnessed the same thing with some of my closest friends. They keep subtle strings attached to ex-partners or friends that no longer serve their growth and healing. By doing this, I have noticed, they always have their guard up.

They struggle to be fully open, honest, and vulnerable. They have missed out some incredible friendships because others can sense this. They have hurt some of the most loving and well-meaning people in their lives because they kept gravitating back to an unhealthy attachment and filling their bag with stones.

Starting to Unpack

Sometimes letting go requires a frank conversation, but often it can be done by simply distancing yourself intentionally. That’s what I did. No more contact. It took me more than a year to work through the guilt of being a ‘bad friend’ for cutting people out.

It took hours, days, and weeks of feeling and working through heavy emotions, and then letting them go…over and over. It wasn’t an easy process. It wasn’t a quick process. I loved those I had to let go, but I knew it was no longer serving my growth and healing to be emotionally attached.

Slowly, I could peel away these sticky layers of attachments that I wasn’t even aware of. The feeling of failure, the attachment to someone who I once trusted, and the attachment to my own sense of being the hero.

I was concerned that they would now think badly of me, and even worse, that they would talk badly of me to others because I would no longer pick up their responsibilities.

Letting go, completely, was life changing. I never realized how much emotional and mental space my exes (and even some unhealthy friends who I also decided to distance myself from) were taking up in my mind and heart.

I didn’t only have to set physical boundaries, but I also had to teach myself emotional boundaries to stop the unhealthy thought patterns. Anger, resentment, guilt, failure…it all had to go.

I had to get rid of their voices in my head that always had an opinion on how I was living, who I spent my time with, or even what I wore. Keeping any strings attached would just reinforce these little, subtle voices again.

I finally realized that it would be impossible to truly heal and grow (spiritually, emotionally, and just as a human being) if I kept occupying this space in my backpack with these thoughts.

Letting Go Doesn’t Mean You Don’t Love Them

The amount of space I freed up in my backpack for GOOD stuff was incredible. The degree of anxiety that left my life was transformational. I learned that letting go doesn’t mean not loving. In fact, when you truly let go you are freer to feel love from a distance, without any anger, guilt, anxiety, or attachment.

I truly love those I had to let go, not with a romantic type of fickle love, but in a way that I deeply care. Just because you decide not to engage someone in your life doesn’t mean you don’t love them. It simply means you are committed to your own growth and the path you know is right for you.

I was finally able to commit my thoughts and emotions to more positive ways of living. I was slowly able to be myself without voices in my head questioning every action I took. I could love others in new, more fully present ways. I became better at setting healthy boundaries and realizing when they were being disrespected.

I also have a much different sense of love for those I have let go. It may sound contradictory. While previously my love for them largely led me to people-pleasing, guilt when I feared I would disappoint, and anger when I felt betrayed, this was no longer the case. Looking back now, I see that fear, guilt, and anger are not remotely signs of love at all.

Now, however, if a painful thought comes up, my heart and mind respond with only peace, and I wish them a light backpack too. I might not agree with their values or the choices they make, but my heart feels no painful emotions. I genuinely hope that whatever they are packing in their bags will bring them true freedom—that their souls too may flourish.

The Journey Continues

I am by no means done with this journey. I still struggle to trust others and hate feeling vulnerable. But at the same time, I am overwhelmed at the doors this process has opened for transformation.

Creating the path of least resistance for growth in my life means there is space for good stuff in my backpack. Instead of carrying a heavy load, I often find myself sharing the good stuff in my backpack with others more freely. By that I mean with no expectations or attachment to an outcome.

Every day brings a new sorting out of this backpack. It’s humbling. What stays and what new things have I stuffed inside that are taking up unnecessary space?

The longer I hang on to things that don’t benefit my growth and healing, the harder they are to get rid of. Some haven’t been around for too long. If I clean out and evaluate often, it becomes easier to recognize what’s adding too much weight and taking up precious space for good stuff.

Some things in the backpack once served me very well but no longer do. It takes courage to let these go. You’ll be surprised by how some old, moldy items start making even the good things smell and rot.

This principle applies to almost any area of our lives, not only to exes or friendships. It can be a family member, a job, or an identity you associate yourself with. In fact, I’ve had to clear my backpack of many of these things too.

While they don’t always take up physical space in your life, the mental and emotional drain can be intense. Let go of what’s weighing you down so you can be fully present, love better, and grow to let your beautiful soul flourish in lightness. It’s not quick. It’s not easy. But it will transform your life. It transformed mine.

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About Helga

There is no better place for Helga to be than in the midst of nature. Just like you, she is continually unlearning what she thought she knew, to discover a deeper way of being present. She believes that the best way to share wholeness and healing in a messy world is in the little interactions we have every day—with others, with nature, and with ourselves.

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