How Being Alone Made Me Fall in Love with Myself

“Solitude is where one discovers one is not alone.” ~Marty Rubin

“No one invites me to their party.” That’s what middle school was like for me, anyway. No matter how hard I tried, I could never really fit in with any friend groups.

It seemed like everyone got the instructions on who to hang with and where to sit except me.

I was the serious, quiet type. And the gossipers and sleepover crews didn’t want serious and reserved. So I bounced around, making a buddy here and there. But I was never fully brought into the social scene.

At first, I figured it would sort itself out and I’d find my people. But middle school turned into high school. And high school turned into my first year of college.

I was still on the outside looking in.

No matter how often I put myself out there to try and squeeze into different circles, I’d end up alone again before long—feeling even more lonely than when I just kept to myself.

The worst part was when I pretended to be someone else, just trying to fit in. And it would work…for a minute. Then I couldn’t keep up the act anymore.

I was back to being an outsider. But now I also felt like I lost some inner part of me that made me, me. I was drained. I was bummed.

Eventually, I realized I had hit rock bottom. I was tired of criticizing myself and trying to contort into someone I was not just to please people who didn’t actually care about me.

I had already chased after so many groups and friends, desperate for that connection, but all I was left with was emptiness.

Finally, one day, I asked myself, “Who has been here through it all? The highs and lows, wins and losses?”

The answer was me, myself, and I. ‘I’ was the constant.

‘I’ was the one listening and providing answers when I talked myself through difficult situations. ‘I’ was the one patting myself on the back when I succeeded at something.

That realization—that I already had the most loyal companion imaginable—brought me more comfort than any superficial friendship or party invite could. I had myself, and I was enough.

I decided to stop begging for validation or acceptance from others. I was going to validate myself.

I started actively spending more time alone, without distractions or social media. Reading, writing, and taking myself on solo dates.

I discovered so much about my interests and strengths. I found inspiration and magic in solitude I had never known before.

For the first time in ages, I was at peace. I felt whole, not like some fractured version of myself. I was alone but not lonely. I was independent yet fulfilled.

I became my own best friend. And that made all the difference.

It taught me that I alone am enough, even if others don’t see my worth. Their approval is meaningless unless I have self-approval first.

Further, an interesting thing happened once I stopped desperately chasing friendships—I started attracting people who liked me for me. Turns out when you’re confident and self-assured, you give off good vibes that draw others in.

I made some fantastic friends in college who didn’t care that I was an introvert. And you know what’s the best part? I even found my love partner! Everyone valued my insight and quiet persistence.

For the first time, I felt like I belonged while still being fully myself.

I learned four vital lessons from my lonely middle school days:

1. You are your own best friend or worst critic. How you talk to yourself matters. Build yourself up rather than tear yourself down.

2. Embrace what makes you different. Don’t hide your unique gifts and talents away in some quest to fit in. The right people will appreciate them.

3. Connections can’t be forced. Friendships and relationships worth having tend to come when you least expect them. Stop chasing and let things unfold.

4. It’s better to be “alone” than in bad company. Having toxic or fake friends is far lonelier than having just yourself.

My middle school self would never believe me if I told him one day, he’d have true friends and a partner who adores his little quirks.

But by making peace with being alone, I found the relationships I had craved for so long and discovered that all the acceptance I needed was my own.

I still consider myself an introvert. I enjoy my solo time and quiet hobbies. But now I don’t feel pressured to be someone I’m not just to keep friends around. The connections I do have are based on authenticity from both sides.

And when I need advice or just someone to listen, I turn inward. I explore my feelings through journaling. I tap into my inner wisdom through long, contemplative walks alone. I’ve become my own counselor and cheerleader.

I’m so grateful that the younger me kept striving to find his place. All that perseverance led me right where I needed to be—firmly rooted in myself.

If you’ve been going through something similar, I see you. And I want you to know that you are enough, exactly as you are. You don’t need to earn a spot at anyone’s table for your life to have meaning.

The people who will love you most deeply are on their way. For now, love yourself. Treat yourself kindly. Pursue your passions unapologetically.

Speak encouraging words into the mirror each morning. Put in the work to be your best friend.

And know that wherever you end up in life—surrounded by a tribe of people who adore everything that makes you different or embracing solitude and forging your own singular path—you can’t lose as long as you have yourself.

I am my own closest companion. You can be your own, too.

Whatever stage you’re at in your journey of self-discovery, keep going. Know that the loneliness and feelings of not belonging won’t last forever.

Have faith that things will get better, especially when you nurture your relationship with yourself above all else.

Maybe today is an awkward day where you’re struggling to find your place. That’s okay. Breathe through it. Tomorrow holds new possibilities.

Maybe you’re entering a season of solitude that first feels uncomfortable but will ultimately lead to profound growth. Lean into it entirely rather than resist it. There is a treasure to uncover.

Or maybe you have finally attracted a “tribe” that appreciates the unique shades of who you are. Congrats! But never lose sight of your own worth that exists with or without them.

Wherever you’re at, you’ve got this. And you’ve got yourself. That’s all you’ll ever really need.

So stay true to yourself. Don’t shrink parts of you to appease others. Keep taking chances on yourself, even when no one else will.

Trust that by being loyal to your own soul, you will find both inner fullness and meaningful connections with time.

For now, chin up, sweet soul. I’m proud of you for how far you’ve come. How far you’ll go from here is breathtaking. Onward.

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About Varun Pahwa

Varun Pahwa is the founder of Uprisehigh.com, a website covering topics related to relationship, self-help, and spirituality. With a mission to provide helpful life advice so people don't feel alone, Varun has assisted many through dating challenges, relationship problems, and general life issues via articles and one-on-one support. His expertise helps readers improve their lives across relationships, personal growth, and more.

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How I Cherished Every Beautiful Moment of My Daughter’s Short Life

In the spring of 2012, I heard this word, “rest.” I realized how horrible I was at it. I wasn’t even sure what it was. Was it extra sleep? Was it not working on Sundays? Shortly after I heard this word, my life began changing. For one reason or another, one by one, the things with which I occupied myself were stripped away until I found myself with nothing left to hold.

A year later I was in a panic, wondering how we were going to make ends meet. Everything in me said to do what I had always done: get on email, get on the phone, make the next thing happen. Anyone who knew me knew I was someone who could make anything happen. If I didn’t know how, I bought a book and learned. Anything I ever wanted, I found a way to get.

Then I heard the word again, “rest.”

“What?! Now? No. My family is depending on me. My reputation is at stake. I don’t have time for rest. I will rest when things are okay.”

“No. That is not what rest is.”

Rest is not something you do. Rest is something you put on. It is something you are while you do what you are doing. Rest is a posture.

I decided to do the exact opposite thing my insides were telling me to do. I went to the backyard, sat on a chair, and watched. I did not know what I was watching for. I listened. I did not know what I was listening for. Every time a thought or an idea came to my head, I wrote it down and then resumed sitting.

It was horrible, like ignoring an itch for hours. I knew that if it was this hard for me to physically sit still, it was important for me to learn. If my body could not sit still, then how could my mind or my heart? So I decided to discipline myself to sit that way at least one day a week.

Eventually, I sat this way more often. Meanwhile, my professional life continued to fall apart and the temptation to do something about it grew. I heard so many voices, some from friends and family but most from my own head:

“You’re lazy.”

“You’re being irresponsible.”

“What are you doing??!!”

“It’s up to you to provide for your family.”

“Get up and make something happen, now!”

Simultaneously I heard another voice:

“Rest.”

“How long do I wait?”

“Rest.”

This was the summer of 2013. A year later, we received the call about our soon-to-be-born baby’s condition. I had thought that the urge to get up and do something was strong before, but now this was on an entirely new level. Again, I heard the voice say, “Rest,” so we didn’t research Trisomy 18. We didn’t look for different doctors who would say something we wanted to hear.

I continued to sit and stare at the fence, quieting my body, and eventually, at times, quieting my mind and my heart as well. I cannot even describe the amount of fear that was present. But this time it was different. It was as if in the past, fear had walked in the door and I was afraid; now fear stood in the doorway and waited to be invited in.

More and more, fear gathered at the door, but it did not come in. It only waited. I could see it there. It was terrifying. But I wasn’t able to invite it in. Rest was occupying the space instead.

Some moments in the hospital on January 7^th, 2015 I thought my wife might die. I expected to hold our lifeless baby that morning. I knew I would speak at Olivia’s funeral and not know what to say. It was like a nightmare. But I remember it. I was there. If she would have lived only an hour, I would have been there for that one hour. Because fear was at the door, but rest was inside.

My posture was rest, quiet, and trust. It was not about making things happen. It was about watching, listening, and being there and nowhere else. I was not going to miss it, as horrible as it could have been.

During the first few months of Olivia’s life, fear kept congregating at the door. We thought we saw her last breath so many times. We were so sleep-deprived. I passed out one day just walking across the room.

At this point, I felt pretty incapable of getting up and making something happen. The doctors were clear that there was nothing we could do. Hospice was at our house every few days. I was not tempted to get up and do something about Olivia. Now I was tempted to get up and work. To make sure the bills got paid. To make sure my career did not disappear any more than it already had.

But underneath was a stronger need: to run, to get the hell out of this situation. Work can be an easy place for a man to avoid the realities of his life. It was pretty obvious, though, that work was not to be my focus—that whatever time we had left with Olivia was to be cherished, every minute of it. Still, I felt the urge to run more than ever.

“Rest.”

I continued to hold the posture. To sit. To stare at the fence. To listen quietly. I was not going to miss it.

I was there the whole time. All fourteen months of her life.

I lost my posture at times. But I can say that the thirty-year-old Nathan (five years ago) would have occupied himself the entire time, trying to make things happen, running like crazy away from the pain.

No. I had practiced for this all year. I knew how to allow the itch, the pain, to be there and not to move. I knew how to allow the voices in my head and the voices from others to be there without being influenced by them. I knew how to go deeper within my self, to the place where a still and quiet voice whispered the word “rest” over and over.

I had practiced the posture; the time had come to use it. I was there the whole time. I did not miss my daughter’s life.

In March of 2016, when I got the call that Olivia had stopped breathing, I was on a bike ride with our other three kids. Time stopped. Jude asked if Olivia was okay, and I was able to look at him and say, “Yes. Even if she does die, all of us are okay.”

We rode our bikes so fast. Fear was now filling the doorway and had crowded around the house and the windows and as far as the eye could see. We rode our bikes. I didn’t feel much, but the tears streaming down my face told me, “Today is the day. It is finished.” We kept riding.

I don’t remember getting off my bike. I’m guessing I had never run so fast. But I will never forget the feeling of walking through the back porch door and seeing Heather and Olivia there. The most sinking and unreal amount of pain I have ever felt mixed with an equal amount of peace, beauty, and a sense of victory.

After a lot of crying, the only words I could say to Heather were, “We did it.” We won. Olivia won. Heather won. I won. Our family won. Our community won. Yes, Olivia died, but that was never the battle we were fighting. We had chosen to fight fear instead.

I don’t think I have experienced the remainder of that day, or the next few days, or the funeral or the burial yet. I think I’m still back processing the day Olivia was born. It’s weird. I have never grieved like this before, but I think the body has a way of pacing how much pain it allows in at once.

I’m realizing now that we will be experiencing the pain and the beauty of Olivia’s life and death for a long time. I don’t know if or when we will ever feel normal or even functional again. But I do remember one thing about the morning after Olivia died, vividly.

I remember going for a run and the feeling of rest overwhelming me. Not happiness or excitement—I was very sad—but so much rest. And I remember noticing how little fear I sensed, like it was not even at the door anymore. It was as if the battle had ended, and fear had lost and just turned and went home. There was no temptation to run or to make anything happen. Olivia was dead, but I felt an amazing amount of rest. And trust. And quiet. And strength.

Since that day, fear has returned to my door. I have struggled more than ever to rest. This battle is never-ending. But once you win one battle, every battle after is different. Now you know you can win. You know what it feels like to say, “We did it,” and you know you can do it again.

I have a feeling the next year is going to be more difficult to rest than the previous two years were. That is a very overwhelming thought. But I have a wife and three living kids and one sleeping daughter who need a husband and a father who knows how to rest.

That is what I will choose to do.

Fear at the door, rest inside.

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About Nathan Peterson

Nathan Peterson is a singer-songwriter, speaker, and author of over 25 years. Known for his raw, emotive music and profound insights into the human experience, Nathan's body of work seeks to support culture's deepening sense of presence and connection in life. For more about Nathan, and to join his weekly newsletter, visit nathanpeterson.net.

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How to Find Peace When Your Mind Is Restless

“Within you, there is a stillness and a sanctuary to which you can retreat at any time and be yourself.” ~Hermann Hesse

When I work with people who are suffering from anxiety, fear, grief, or other challenging issues, I like to take them through a simple exercise I call “The Noticing Exercise.”

It’s my first port of call when helping people break free from mind-created suffering.

It’s amazing how quickly, and effortlessly, people can move from suffering to peace, simply through shifting their focus to being aware of the present moment—noticing the sensation of the body touching the chair, the ribs expanding on the in breath, or the sounds in the room.

Even deeply troubled individuals can experience peace the very first time they try this simple meditation.

How is this possible?

It is because peace is already there inside all of us. It’s an integral part of who we are. When the mind’s activity subsides, even for a moment, peace is what remains.

The ocean provides a good analogy.

At the surface, the water is constantly in motion. It never stops, even for a moment. But when you drop down into the depths, there is stillness and peace.

It’s exactly the same with the mind.

On the surface level, the mind is always active but, in the depths of our being, there is a natural peace and stillness that is unchanging… always present, always available. Being part of our essential nature, it can never leave us.

Although this inherent peace is always there, it goes unnoticed in most people through the deep-seated habit of giving our exclusive attention to the surface movements of the mind.

We are so pre-occupied with what’s going on at the surface that we simply fail to notice what’s happening in the depths of our experience.

And, of course, there is nothing ‘wrong’ with any of this.

Spending our days lost in thinking is the human condition. It’s what we all do.

Being swept away by the restless waters of the mind is perfectly normal, particularly when we are faced with intense patterns such as anxiety, trauma, or grief. And yet, the fact remains that, despite appearances, there is a peace inside every one of us that is untouched by what’s going on at the surface, however intense it may be.

Withdraw your attention from the mind, even for a moment, and it’s there.

You don’t have to create it; just recognize what has always been there.

Peace doesn’t leave you. You leave peace.

Stress, anxiety, and unhappiness exist primarily in the form of thoughts.

If you are able to become fully present in the moment, thoughts subside, and stress and anxiety are replaced by peace and stillness.

Of course, most people will pick up their painful stories again as soon as the meditation comes to an end, but the fact they were able to be free of their suffering, even temporarily, provides us with clues for finding a more permanent solution.

With practice, anyone can learn to withdraw their attention from the mind for longer periods of time and thereby extend the periods of peace.

Have You Been Barking Up the Wrong Tree?

Most people are looking for peace where it can never be found—not lasting peace anyway.

It’s a bit like losing your keys in the house and looking for them in the garden.

You’re never going to find them… because they are not there.

Most people I help have been searching for peace through the path of self-improvement, often for years.

And it makes total sense.

If my mind is causing me trouble, then the obvious solution is to try to fix it—to ‘work on myself’ and try to convert all my anxious and unhappy thoughts and feelings into pleasant, happy ones. Try to create a new, improved version of myself.

But, if you’ve been down this path for any length of time, as I have, you’ll know that fundamentally changing the mind is not so easy.

The problem with this approach is encapsulated in the following quote from the Indian spiritual teacher, Nisargadatta:

“There is no such thing as peace of mind. Mind means disturbance; restlessness itself is mind.”

Like the surface of the ocean, the mind is constantly in motion. It is restless by nature.

And, although there may well be fleeting moments of peace here and there, they will inevitably be followed by moments of agitation and disturbance.

Restlessness is the nature of the mind. Trying to make it calm and peaceful is like trying to iron the surface of the ocean. It’s simply never going to happen.

Making Peace with The Mind Just as It Is

To find a solution that actually works, we must first understand the true cause of suffering. It’s not what most folks think.

People believe, as I did for years, that the anxious, stressful, or fearful thoughts themselves are the primary cause of suffering.

They believe that:

• the mind is broken and needs to be fixed.
• anxiety, fear, confusion, etc. are inherently bad or wrong.
• there’s something wrong with them for having these thoughts.
• they can’t experience peace or happiness until they are gone.

These beliefs are the main reason people suffer.

As the Jesuit priest Anthony de Mello said:

“There’s only one cause of unhappiness; the false beliefs you have in your head, beliefs so common, so widespread, that it never occurs to you to question them.”

What if, instead of spending years trying to fix the content of the mind, we focused instead on making peace with the mind, just as it is?

What if, rather than fighting and resisting fear, sadness, envy, or confusion, you were able to accept them as natural expressions of the human condition?

What would happen to your anxiety if you didn’t see anything ‘wrong’ with it?

Or your sadness if you didn’t mind it being there?

They may still feel unpleasant but, in the absence of resistance, they’d lose their power to affect your peace.

We can wrap our non-peace in the peace of acceptance.

You Don’t Need to Have a Peaceful Mind to Experience Peace 

On the path of self-improvement, the goal is to find peace of mind.

But this approach is unlikely to succeed simply because the mind is restless by nature.

Here’s the truth:

You can’t stop bothersome thoughts from arising, but you can stop bothering about them.

One of my teachers used to say, “You suffer because you are open for business.”

You entertain your thoughts and invite them in for tea—engage with them, ruminate over them, wallow in them, play them over and over in your head—and create suffering for yourself as a result.

You don’t need to have a peaceful mind to experience peace.

You need to stop giving it so much attention and importance.

If you are able to accept whatever appears in your head, whether pleasant or unpleasant, with an attitude of non-judgmental acceptance, you will always be at peace.

Acceptance is like kryptonite to the mind. It loses its power to disturb your peace.

The Two Types of Peace

There are two types of peace.

There is the feeling of peace, which is a temporary respite from feeling restless or agitated. Like all feelings, it comes and goes, like clouds passing across the sky.

Then there is the peace that exists in the depths of your being; the backdrop of peace that is unchanging, ever-present, and has nothing to do with what is going on in your head.

Even in the midst of the most turbulent storm at sea, in the depths, the ocean remains calm and unmoving.

There is a peace inside every one of us that remains untouched by the movements on the surface, no matter how intense.

And it’s not difficult to find. How could it be if it’s already who you are?

You don’t need to fix or change anything about yourself to experience what is ever-present inside you.

You just need to dive below the surface and discover what is always there.

The peace you are looking for is with you always. But you’ll never find it on the level of the mind.

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About Richard Paterson

Richard is a former monk, spiritual coach, and author. His blog, Think Less and Grow Rich, is dedicated to helping people quickly break free from the clutches of an overactive mind to experience more peace, joy, and inner freedom. Grab a free copy of his popular book Kick the Thinking Habit here. Or check out his new membership site Quiet Mind Peaceful Life Inner Circle.

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5 Reasons to Try Something New Before You Feel Ready

“Great people do things before they’re ready. They do things before they know they can do it. And by doing it, they’re proven right.” ~Amy Poehler

Ready isn’t a state of being, it’s a state of mind. Or maybe I should say we don’t have to be anything to qualify for the label of being ready for something; rather, it’s a mindset in which we choose to embrace the unknown. My story starts like this…

A few months into my soul-searching, I realized I had to move. Away from my unfulfilling job, away from my unhealthy habits perpetuated by my city lifestyle, away from my complete and utter stagnancy. But this also meant moving away from friends I’ve come to know so well, family I love, and a sense of security that you can’t really put a price on.

I knew I had to create a big enough change for myself for it to feel like I was starting over. I wanted to live somewhere where no one knew my name or, better yet, where no one knew anyone who knew my name. Notice I said I knew I needed that change, not that maybe I would move, or I was considering it. Did it scare me? Yes. But did I know it was what I craved and needed on a soul level? Also yes. A bigger yes.

I started looking into some towns out west. The mountains were calling, but it was the polar opposite of the east coast city life. I had no idea what it would take to live in weather like that, let alone which towns I would be happy in.

After some research, I found an apartment complex I liked and added myself to the waitlist. This was in January, and my current lease wouldn’t be up until October. I definitely wasn’t ready to pay triple the monthly rent amount to break my lease.

Well, fast-forward to September and it was time to give my notice of whether I would be moving out. Would I stay or would I go? Everything inside me was screaming at me to take the chance and go. But I didn’t feel ready. All the “what ifs” started flooding in… What if I put my notice in then change my mind? What if I don’t put my notice in then change my mind?

Eventually, I silenced everything except my gut, my intuition, and it said ever so calmly and confidently go. So I put in my notice and ended my lease before I knew where I would be going next.

This would be the first step of many that I decided to take before I felt ready. The thing is our heart knows what’s right before our mind does.

And you know what? After I put my notice in, I got an email from the apartment out west that I had applied to almost a year prior. They had a unit available two weeks after my lease would end. I was shocked. I don’t think it could have worked out any better than that.

This first step was the best decision I’ve ever made because it’s opened me up to so many amazing experiences and relationships that I wouldn’t have had otherwise. I got to know a place that was completely different than any home I had ever known, I truly felt the most independent I ever had, and I met some beautiful souls who I know I’ll get to call lifelong friends.

That first step showed me that the unknown can be intimidating as hell, but if you choose to embrace it, it can open you up to so much growth.

Here’s what I’ve learned from doing more things before I felt ready.

It helps you grow your faith in yourself.

It allows you to see things about yourself that maybe you wouldn’t normally see just doing the typical day-to-day things. By putting yourself in new (and hard) situations, you’re able to see yourself navigate the unfamiliar and do so successfully. You not only learn how to do new things but also see firsthand that you’re capable of so much more than you previously thought. This allows for greater trust in your feelings and intuition.

You create a new baseline of bravery.

When you start to build up this confidence in your ability to handle a variety of new situations, it creates this new sort of baseline. A new standard to which you hold yourself. In knowing you can handle more than you could before, you tend to then, in turn, expect more of yourself and function from a raised baseline of what you consider to be brave. Or in other words, it takes more to intimidate you. Less scares you. Which means you can do more.

You find new ways to do things.

It’s interesting how your mind can adapt. Sometimes when we get stuck on a certain plan, it hinders the outcome. For example, if we’re so focused on thinking we need to research art history for a year before we take up painting, that takes away a lot of our time and fun, doesn’t it?

When you decide that you’re capable enough to get something done, the “how” somehow becomes less important. You become open to more possibilities and new ways of getting things done. In the painting example, maybe you open yourself up to the possibility that you’re too hard on yourself or that you don’t have to know all the history to enjoy the activity. Or maybe you realize you enjoy painting with your fingers even though all the artists you’ve read about used paint brushes.

You find more fulfillment.

This openness created throughout the process of intentionally and repeatedly trusting yourself encourages you to try things that you wouldn’t typically delve into. You find it easier to follow your own curiosity, and things that once seemed silly suddenly seem intriguing.

For me, this looked like following a spiritual nudge to sign up for Reiki training even though I knew nothing about it. This ended up leading to a mediumship practice that’s helped me and other people heal. When you build on things that make you happy, it only leads to more happiness.

You become unstoppable.

You start to see this confidence weaving into all aspects of your life. When you trust yourself over anyone and anything else, you’re not as easily shaken by what life throws at you. That’s not to say it’s always easy. Sometimes you need to make decisions you know are right for you, even though they’re difficult. And sometimes you know you need to take steps to start feeling happy before you’ll stop feeling sad.

Emotions are complicated, but if you get to a point to where you can hold space for them, you allow yourself to learn from them and work with them, and that is truly powerful.

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About Lindsay Shannon

Lindsay Shannon is a psychic, medium, and Reiki energy healer at www.ineffablealchemy.com. She uses these healing modalities to help people to find radical self-acceptance and awaken to a greater sense of purpose in their lives. Get her FREE guided mediation here.

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How Embracing Grief Can Open Us Up to a Beautiful New Chapter

“When we are brave enough to tend to our hearts, our messy emotions can teach us how to be free—not free from pain but free from the fear of pain and the barrier it creates to fully living.” ~Kris Carr

It’s crazy how you go about your life thinking all is okay, and then BOOM, something happens that changes you forever. Grief and loss come and hit you in the face.

You know… the days that you start as one person and end as someone else.

But it’s not your first loss or trauma! You had a childhood of pain and suffering, which resurfaces when the latest loss happens.

The old stories and beliefs you had about being jinxed come back. You think, “Maybe the world, the universe, or God does, in fact, hate me.”

This has happened to me multiple times, and I thought I was a pro, especially since I help others process trauma in my work.

The first big time was when I was twenty-six and a policeman called to tell me my dad—who had been an utter nightmare when I was growing up—had taken his life.

In theory my life got easier without him, but that phone call triggered a lot of pain from enduring his abuse as a kid.

I didn’t have the tools to deal with this pain, so I numbed my feelings with alcohol, busyness, helping others, and chasing after unavailable men.

But I couldn’t outrun it anymore when another grief came along: the loss of the dream of a future with a man I loved deeply, who didn’t choose me or love me back.

That second grief moment seems smaller and was nearly ten years after I lost my dad, but it seemed to affect me more. My way of surviving grief by running from it just wasn’t working anymore.

The pain got so bad that I didn’t want to live. I felt hopeless and lost. I had to find different tools, as I wanted to move forward with my life. And find love. Running from my emotions was not helping me.

This launched my path to healing, which started with self-help books, podcasts, and blogs like this one. I wanted to understand why this relationship-that-never-was had pushed me over the edge.

I remember reading Facing Love Addiction by Pia Melody. It showed me that this pain I was feeling from the lost relationship was actually from my childhood.

Slowly, I came back to my loss of my dad and the way he treated me when he was alive.

I found my way to somatic therapy to help my body process what I had been through.

I found other tools like mindfulness, emotional freedom technique (EFT) tapping, meditation, inner child work, journaling, and self-care practices. Slowly, I began to heal the past version of myself. The one who lost her dad at twenty-six and the child who didn’t get what she needed from him. Then the thirty-five-year-old who was grieving a relationship with a man who didn’t choose her.

As the clouds parted I saw the light again through my healing. Therapy, the world of self-help, and personal development saved my life.

I found a beautiful, healthy man to love me, and we got married. All my dreams were coming true. I even left the corporate world to help others, as I was passionate about the modalities that had changed my life.

I genuinely believed I was fixed!

Then the third big grief came along. Maybe small for some, but it rocked my world. I miscarried at ten weeks pregnant. A pregnancy that came so easily at forty was gone like a dream.

I did the same thing I’d done when I lost my dad: I numbed myself. Mainly with my work and clients. Running a business keeps you busy and is a great escape from yourself. Soon, my friend wine was back to help too. I found all kinds of ways to escape the pain.

But I couldn’t run from this grief for as long as I ran from my past griefs, as my biological clock was ticking loudly. It was time to try again for a baby, but I just couldn’t do it.

I was frozen in fear.

Numb from the loss.

Not feeling good enough again.

The darkness was back, and I was lost in it! Thoughts of giving up were back too.

I thought I was healed! And helping others with their traumas. How could I be struggling with my own?

Fortunately, I knew to use the same toolkit I had used the last time, but my nervous system was frozen in time.

So I took baby steps to get help. It started like before, with books and podcasts. Like I was dipping my toe back in.

I read a book specific to miscarriage loss, The Worst Girl Gang Ever by Bex Gunn and Laura Buckingham and, more recently, Kris Carr’s I am Not a Mourning Person.

I started to invest in a space where I could process grief. This time, I chose to work with a somatic therapist who could help me release the trauma of this loss from my body through nervous system repair and also does integrated family systems (IFS) parts work. This helped me understand the parts of myself that do not want me to proceed with my dream of being a mum.

Parts of our minds are trying to protect us and keep us safe. We shame and hate them for limiting us. But when we get to know them, we understand why they are holding us back. It’s such a beautiful way to get to know our inner selves.

I also began to work with a coach who specializes in baby loss. I found resources and people that were specific to the pain I had experienced. Just how I did with my dad and the relationship loss previously.

I did get pulled into my shadow behaviors like drinking wine, overworking, and eating sugar, as these had helped me in times of grief before. But they were just a plaster over my sadness and wouldn’t help me move forward to become a mother.

I have uncovered that this loss is about my relationship with my body and the trauma that has been stored in it. And I have gone back to the childhood wounds around my body, related to my father constantly telling me I was fat, and how I have treated it.

I have given myself space. To actually grieve. To cry. To be angry. To release.

I am an EFT practitioner, so I use an EFT tapping technique to process any emotion right when I’m feeling it. In that moment.

I don’t run from it. I sit with it. I allow myself to feel the discomfort of my emotions. The first time I did this, it brought back the loss I felt for my dad. My childhood. And every other relationship I lost along the way.

No matter where you are on your journey of life, grief is something we all have in common. None of us escape it.

We are guaranteed to experience it multiple times in our lives. We can numb and avoid it. We can run from it and let it sabotage our present. Or we can choose to meet it and love ourselves through it.

After I lost my dad, running from my grief sabotaged my dreams of finding love with a healthy man. Facing it meant I was able to break that pattern. That is what allowing space for grief does.

Years later, a miscarriage could have stopped me on my dream to have a family of my own. Because I didn’t want to face what this miscarriage brought up within me. The pain of the relationship with my body. How I spoke to it and treated it and what others had said to shame it.

It is natural to want to avoid the pain. To run. But then you have to look at what the grief is holding you back from. A healthier, happier you. Your bigger dream and vision for your life.

I had to change my calendar to literally create space for grief. To remove the busyness. To allow my nervous system to feel safe enough to process the grief.

I decided to only spend time with people who could support me in it and socialize less so I could take really good care of myself. I canceled plans and just nourished myself all weekend with self-care.

I am not going to pretend grief is not grim. You are allowed to be angry. Sad. All of the things. Don’t ignore your own emotions or try to ‘fix’ them. They don’t need to be fixed. They just need to be felt.

Be a kind friend to yourself. Listen and allow yourself to cry. Slowly, the light starts to come in and you find your way out.

It is such a brave thing to meet your grief.

And just like I had to shed a mountain of grief before meeting my husband in order to start a new beautiful chapter, I know another one is on the other side of this miscarriage.

Though I am still writing this chapter of my story, it has already taught me so much about coming home to my body. Allowing it to heal from all the traumas and repairing my nervous system after decades of dysregulation. Allowing myself and my body to feel safe enough to feel. After years of dissociation and pain, this chapter has brought a deeper healing.

Wherever you are in your grief journey, take it slowly, one baby step at a time. Remember to be kind to yourself along the way. You can turn this grief, loss, and trauma into a new beginning.

This moment too shall pass. Like the others before it and the ones that will come after it.

We can’t control when these dark times come, but we can be brave enough to move through them by giving ourselves love and getting the right help for ourselves and our needs.

Be with it and it will pass much more quickly than it would otherwise and cause less damage to your beautiful life.

Healing has many seasons, and grief is like the winter, but spring soon comes with the buds of your new chapter.

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About Manpreet Johal Bernie

Manpreet is the creator of the podcast Heart’s Happiness, where she talks about intergenerational trauma, and is also a coach who helps people make peace with their past and rewrite their story by learning how to love themselves and their inner child. Check out her FREE MASTERCLASS, Freedom from Anxiety, where she shares her proprietary technique to help with anxiety. Follow her on Instagram here.

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The Epiphany That Freed Me from My Body Obsession

“Your body is precious. It is your vehicle for awakening. Treat it with care.” ~Buddha

What is the first thing that comes to mind when you hear or see the word fitness? Do you think of an Olympic power lifting athlete, gymnast, or swimmer? The way we interpret and respond to the word fitness is a driver of physical health, but also our mental health.

From a young age I associated health with fitness, which, to me, meant fitter is better. Society fed me the image of perfection. And so the chase of fitness became a moving target that could never be achieved.

“I am strong, I am healthy,” I thought. I saw my physique as evidence of my ever-improving health. My fatigue and sore muscles were the price to pay for optimal health, or so I believed.

Friends, family, folks at the gym, even strangers reaffirmed me by complimenting me on my body. This fueled my desire to continue “improving” my fitness.

Like a house, foundation cracks take time to become problematic. For a while the cracks may go unnoticed. But then one day, leaks from a heavy rain begin to appear.

Swapping nutrition for calorie-dense meals. Chugging shakes void of any enjoyment. Eating was becoming a chore and was no longer guided by my hunger, but instead by the precisely calculated macro nutrients needed to ensure I was meeting my calorie requirements to grow my muscles.

Physically, I looked good, but I didn’t feel good. “What is wrong with me?” I wondered. I began to search for answers.

Did I have low testosterone? Were there chemical imbalances that could be blamed for my insomnia, low mood, irritability, and anxiety?

We hear these things all the time: Exercise your way to a better mood! Exercise helps you sleep! A fit body equals a fit mind!

I ignored the cracks in the foundation for a while. It was easy given all the positive feedback I was receiving. I kept lying to myself: “This is happiness. I am happy!”

I travel a lot. I enjoy seeing other cultures and meeting people. However, travel previously presented a problem: deviation from my exercise routine, thus derailing my goal of improved fitness.

Even preparing for a trip became problematic. I’d find gyms at my destination and ensure the schedule or itinerary could accommodate.

I never considered that I had an underlying issue as it related to my exercise, fitness, and physique because, again, society and everyone around me were telling me I was healthy in spoken and unspoken ways.

The Cracks Begin to Worsen

Fitness is not exponential. In fact, it is quite the opposite. “Gains” are more easily acquired when starting out and have diminishing returns as time passes. Despite knowing this concept from a biological perspective, logic didn’t win the day.

Eventually, my time and energy yielded fewer tangible results. Maintaining what I had built took diligent planning in terms of nutrition and other activities. Simply stated, my physique started to rule my every move.

Still naïve to the reality of what was going on, I decided my hormones must have been out of whack. While my testosterone was on the low end, it wasn’t terribly out of range. Even still, I decided to leap into the world of TRT (testosterone replacement therapy) in hopes that this would give me the boost I needed. (Note: This was under the supervision of a physician.)

Again, the external affirmations began to flow. But something else happened, something more serious. I began paying the price for this new boost in the form of side effects.

Insight: The Side Effect I Needed

By now my life was entirely run by my desire for more “fitness.” But I began to wonder, “Do I really want to do this for the rest of my life?” I then experienced somewhat of an epiphany.

The side effects and challenges with TRT served as a desperately needed wakeup call. I began to scrutinize my goals. I asked, “Are these goals serving me as a whole person? How could I have gotten so far off course? How did my passion for fitness and my desire for self-improvement lead me here? What am I doing to my body?”

I realized with crystal clarity that I had conflated fitness for health and wellness. And more importantly, I started to understand that “fitness” should not be achieved at the expense of emotional and mental wellness. Fitness does not equal health.

For some this might sound like a no-brainer. I knew that anxiety disorders and obsessive/compulsive disorders exist. What I didn’t know is that the phenomenon I was experiencing is far more prevalent than one can imagine.

Blurred Lines

We are fed from a very young age that fitness means strong, fast, and powerful, and that fitness is something you can see. My goodness, this couldn’t be farther from the truth.

We are told to exercise and that exercise is good. And exercise is good, in moderation. However, unhealthy exercise is increasingly becoming problematic for a significant number of people worldwide. The obsession of supranormal musculature has gone from nonexistent to shockingly prevalent over the past half century.

The line between healthy exercise and too much is often blurry because, on the surface, fitness looks healthy. We look at someone with a six-pack and think, “Oh, they’re healthy,” when in reality we have absolutely no way to holistically determine someone’s health just by looking at them.

As I mentioned before, the calorie-stuffing and arguably obsessive-compulsive behaviors around eating take place at alarming levels in the “fitness” world.

Body dysmorphia comes in many shades and is defined as a mental health condition where a person spends an excessive amount of time worrying about their appearance (Mayo Clinic).

Accepting that I suffered from body dysmorphia was both freeing and disappointing. Freeing because I was no longer blind to the true source of my difficulties. Disappointing because I felt powerless on so many levels.

Somewhere along the line the fruits of my exercise had become a source of validation for my worth and existence. Sure, being strong and fit is good, but at some point, that goal was 100 miles behind me.

My New Perspective

The side effects served as my awakening, and it was time to get to work. I know first-hand, from my work, that changing one’s perspective, though difficult, is doable. So I made it my mission.

This process was slow. Relearning is as much biological as it is emotional in that creating new neurocircuitry doesn’t happen overnight.

I started to conceptualize fitness as more than the summation of strength or speed. What if I include what I can’t see: how I feel, physically and emotionally?

I reassessed my values and started making sure my goals were in sync with them.

This new way of thinking demanded that I approach fitness and self-improvement from the inside out, not the outside in. The driving goal became a desire to feel whole, content, and enough.

Before, I felt physically drained and fatigued. Emotionally, I felt empty, shallow, and lost. My motivation was external. My relationship with my body was one of disrespect.

It took time, but I am now able to see physical activity in a new light—as a way to keep my body operating optimally. My relationship with food is driven by my desire to fuel my temple, to connect with nature as a sustaining source of life, and to replenish and nourish my life.

Where I am Today

I push myself physically, but not in the same way as before. Today, my body is my temple. I exercise several times a week, but I listen closely to my body’s whispers. Soreness and fatigue are signals that it is time for rest.

I believe fitness is the byproduct of health, not the driving force. To me, fitness is not the reflection in the mirror. Fitness is how I feel physically and emotionally. Fitness is feeling whole.

The improved relationship I have with myself is proving to be worth it many times over. My relationships with those close to me have improved. I feel at ease in the company of others because I’m not waiting for their affirmation to boost my self-worth.

I know there will be good days, weeks, and months along with bad. But now that I have had a taste of stillness and peace, I am confident the good will outweigh the bad.

My body is my best friend. I now treat it as such.

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About Ryan Sheridan

Ryan is an integrative psychiatric nurse practitioner at his private practice, Proactive Psychiatry in Washington, DC. As a holistically minded provider, Ryan utilizes exercise, nutrition, therapy, coaching, and sometimes medication to help others optimize and improve their well-being. He believes in sharing personal stories, challenges, and growth as a means of forging a strong therapeutic relationship. If you’re interested in connecting with Ryan, feel free to reach out to him here.

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How I Healed My Anxiety with Simple Mindfulness Practices

“Every step taken in mindfulness brings us one step closer to healing ourselves and the planet.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

When I returned from an extended stay in India at the beginning of this year, I was full of worries and uncertainty. Since I was coming back to a very different life, I had no idea what was next.

I was without a job but determined to build my coaching business full-time. However, I felt lost as to where I was going to be within the next few months and how I was going to figure things out.

Eventually, I settled down and started to think. I desperately wanted to go back, but I knew I had to take care of my responsibilities in the states before I could leave again.

I started to work on my business and was lucky to get a few yoga classes to teach. However, the uncertainty of finances was weighing on me.

I was always a person who planned my life and took only the safest steps. Suddenly, I was living day by day, not knowing what was going to happen or how I was going to take care of myself. It felt incredibly liberating and scary at the same time.

After a few months, I got a severe infection in my tooth. Since, at that time, I was without insurance, I did anything I could to avoid visiting a dentist. One night it got so bad, I almost ran to an emergency room.

At the same time, I developed tremors in my body while becoming increasingly fatigued and lethargic. This got me worried. At first, I thought it was due to the infection in my tooth. However, once the tooth was out, lethargy, fatigue, and shaking persisted.

A couple of weeks later, my entire chest and face developed some allergic reaction that had no logical explanation.

Due to all these unexpected and unexplainable health events, I felt desperate and powerless. One day, after another episode of intense tremors and lethargy, I drove to my friend to measure my blood pressure. After she told me my pressure was in perfect condition, I broke down crying. I had no idea what was going on.

Although I knew that googling my symptoms was the last thing I should do, I did it anyway. No matter what I put in a search, anxiety seemed to be on the top of the list. I reflected on the past couple of months and realized I had been under tremendous pressure. I became increasingly pessimistic and afraid, always turning to a worst-case scenario.

It was no surprise that this took a toll on my body.

Since I had some knowledge and understanding of neuroscience and how negative thoughts affect the body, I realized something. If I can make myself sick and anxious by thoughts alone, I can make myself healthy, can’t I?

Here is what I decided to do.

1. I began a daily mindfulness practice.

I knew that to heal my anxiety, I had to be super conscious of what was going on in my head. One thing I understood was that anxiety is worrying about the future, which hasn’t happened yet.

To sharpen my awareness, I set an alarm for every hour of the day to check in with myself. Once the alarm went off, I asked myself, “How am I feeling? What am I thinking?”

This allowed me to become more aware of subtle thoughts of worries and negativity.

Through this daily exercise, I realized how negative I could be. The moment things didn’t go as I wanted them to, it threw me off course and created internal panic.

I also incorporated mindfulness meditation and pranayama into my daily yoga and meditation practice. First, I would do different breathing exercises I learned in India to activate my parasympathetic nervous system, which is responsible for relaxation. Then, I would sit in silence while focusing on my breath and observing my thoughts.

Every time a thought of worry entered my mind, I reminded myself that this was only a thought, and it wouldn’t have a meaning unless I gave it one.

2. I focused on possibilities instead of obstacles.

Although I was less than thrilled about my fear and anxiety, I understood that these emotions were here to tell me something. If it wasn’t for them, I would never have begun paying such close attention to the way I think.

After recognizing how I was bringing myself down, I decided to create a more uplifting and positive environment around me.

I have a big chalkboard above my worktable that I use to write positive affirmations, simple reminders, or quotes that feel empowering. I took a sock from my drawer and wiped everything on it clean.

Then I grabbed my white chalk marker and wrote in giant letters, “What is the BEST thing that could happen?”

This question was a reminder for me every day that where my focus goes, energy flows. If I wanted to heal my anxiety, I had to learn to better self-regulate.

I also understood that instead of pushing my ‘negative’ thoughts away, I could attune to them, listen to them, and understand where they were coming from. They weren’t barriers but healing opportunities.

For example, I had lots of negative thoughts regarding finances. I felt like a victim because my parents weren’t able to support me through difficult times. Once I ended my pity party, I realized I was holding many limiting beliefs about money and that I didn’t believe I was worthy of having more. So I started learning about investing and the mindset needed for financial health, and it’s changed the way I view and handle money ever since.

3. I welcomed solitude.

After realizing that anxiety has been a big part of my life for years, I decided to spend more time in solitude.

The interesting thing about this was that it felt natural. I didn’t feel as if I was missing out on something. As a matter of fact, it gave me space to reflect on my past. I realized there were so many wounds I’d never heal and pains I’d never acknowledged.

I also understood that living in a state of anxiety was my normal way of being. My mind and body were accustomed to feeling the emotions of stress and worry, and I didn’t even know it.

My time in solitude allowed me to see when my anxiety spiked and what kept it alive. Aside from understanding the link between anxiety and my thoughts, I noticed other situations that brought stress. For example, I worried about what people thought of me, placed my worth on reaching my goals, was inauthentic to be liked, or wanted to control things outside of myself.

When I uncovered these blind spots, I fell in love with solitude. It also gave me more space and time to practice mindfulness and become much better at recognizing when anxiety was creeping in.

4. I incorporated mindfulness into my regular tasks.

One of my habits was scrolling through recipes on social media while eating. Although I live alone and there isn’t anyone to distract me with conversations, I realized that I wasn’t mindful of eating at all.

I decided to put my phone down and observe the taste of the food, the texture, how many times I chewed it, and how I enjoyed it.

When I went for my evening walk, instead of listening to music or an audiobook, I simply walked. I observed my breath, heartbeat, and the world around me—houses I passed by or palm trees, which were everywhere.

This intentional mindfulness practice helped me grasp the present moment while realizing that now is all that’s here. As my guru often says, we can’t change this moment; we can only accept it. However, the next moment contains a million possibilities, and if we are present and aware, we can choose how to proceed.

—

After about a month of following these steps, something amazing happened.

I realized that my anxiety was almost gone and my skin rash had completely disappeared, and I was full of energy and optimism. Although my outside situation hadn’t changed much, the way I perceived life and how much I trusted myself had.

Since then, I sometimes sense anxiety wanting to come in. I immediately feel a slight vibration in my limbs, and my heartbeat rises.

The moment I observe it, I know it’s time to pause and turn inward because that’s where my healing always takes place.

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About Silvia Turonova

Silvia Turonova is a mindset coach who teaches women how to develop more self-trust and inner confidence while learning how to bet on themselves. She hosts a podcast Courage Within You and is passionate about teaching others how to coach themselves. Get her free self-coaching worksheet here.

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How to Free Yourself from Pain from the Past

“There are two levels to your pain: the pain that you create now, and the pain from the past that still lives on in your mind and body.” ~Eckhart Tolle

When I read this quote, it stopped me in my tracks. So much of our pain and suffering in the present is caused by us repeating cycles and dwelling on pain from the past. We want so badly to resolve our suffering. But our search for resolution often involves repeating the painful cycles we have already been through, in the hope that someone or something will change.

How many of us have gone through a divorce and realized in the process that the whole relationship was a repeat of a painful relationship from our childhood? How many of us are realizing that we continue to attract the same kinds of people into our lives? People who take advantage of us, want to use us, or have some form of agenda that creates more pain and suffering.

We live in our minds trying to think of all the ways we can protect ourselves and avoid more pain and suffering. The irony is that this inevitably creates more of what we are trying to avoid. This is because what we focus on, we create. The law of attraction is always at play.

For years, I lived highly dependent on my mind. I thought that if I got all the psychology degrees, considered all possible future outcomes, and created a well-thought-out plan of action, I would be able to fix my pain and suffering and free myself for a life of meaning and purpose.

It was devastating to realize after years of chasing a meaningful life that I could not create safety, joy, and purpose through the actions of my mind.

Subconsciously, I stayed trapped in cycles of pain while trying to resolve my past by hoping the people around me would change. I kept my life small so I could stay in control. I never wanted to be around crowds of people. I never wanted to share and be vulnerable, and I never wanted to let anyone see my feelings. I stayed hidden away behind my mind, where I felt in control and safe.

But I also felt miserable. Empty and purposeless. For a while, I was suicidal.

Thankfully, I left those feelings behind years ago, but the emptiness of going through the motions of life without a true connection to what I was doing or why I was here remained, and it was maddening.

I have found that more people feel this emptiness than anyone would ever think. Many of us keep it hidden in the silence of shame because we desperately want it to be fixed and go away. It’s embarrassing to admit that we feel broken and sad behind all the layers of achievement and pretty social media posts.

We attempt to fill this emptiness with eating, drinking, scrolling, having sex, shopping, collecting things, and so on. So many of us are terrified at the thought of spending a whole day, much less a whole lifetime, being alone with ourselves. Being with ourselves with no distractions.

The thoughts in our mind haunt us. We torture ourselves with memories from the past and worries for the future. We torture ourselves with thoughts of how disappointed we are in how our lives have turned out. We recreate pain from the past over and over again by dwelling on the twisted and tormented thoughts in our minds and feel that life is unfair.

Many people will tell you the answer is praying, reading the bible, going to a therapist, reading self-help books, or doing something with your mind. None of these things are bad in and of themselves, but no amount of staying in your mind will fix or heal the pain of your past that you continue to repeat in the present.

Unresolved emotions of the past are stored in our bodies, and they’re in the driver’s seat of our lives, causing chaos, disappointment, and frustration everywhere we go.

I used to think I was really bad at making friends. I usually would wait until someone approached me before striking up a friendship. I isolated a lot because it just felt safer and easier. Over time, I got frustrated because I realized that I kept ending up in these friendships with people who never really saw me.

My pain and fear of rejection was in the driver’s seat, so I protected myself by keeping the real me hidden away. If I caught anyone’s attention, I would play the role I thought I needed to play to be friends.

The biggest problem here is that this attracted other people who also played roles instead of being their authentic selves. The role they played was “take care of me,” while I was playing the role of “I’ll take care of you.” This match worked well initially, but always left me in the same broken pattern of not being truly seen. That empty crater in my soul just kept getting bigger and bigger.

The only way to stop the cycle of pain is to become fully present with yourself here and now. To connect to your body and the spirit within you that is ever present.

When you drop into your body and feel your emotions, you are then free to just be. So many of us are terrified of the silence of being with ourselves because the pain of the past combined with our present actions to distract ourselves haunt us. The secrets we hold inside are killing us.

You aren’t a bad person for the things you do to find some form of pain relief. Life isn’t about being a good or bad person. It is about being authentic, real, and connected, or disconnected and fragmented because of the cycles of pain on repeat.

Are you tired of the constant disappointment? Are you tired of hating yourself and your life? Are you tired of feeling like you are always behind, not quite enough, and devastatingly empty inside? It is so painful, isn’t it? It is so painful to feel the destruction and pain of the disconnection to our true selves. It is painful to face the things we do to distract ourselves from the reality of our emptiness.

Healing happens in the body. Pain is released from your body. Get out of your mind and into your body and you will be set free. You will experience peace and joy. You will stop the cycles of pain and be at peace with the present moment just as it is. 

I know it feels impossibly hard. There is so much chaos swirling around in your body that it feels dangerous to actually feel your feelings. A great quote from my mentor, Colin Ross, helped set me free. “Feeling your feelings won’t kill you; it’s your attempt to not feel them that will.”

It is uncomfortable, it is painful, it can be overwhelming at times, but feeling your feelings will set you free.

Here is a place to start: Play some music that brings you comfort and close your eyes. Pretend you are getting in a glass elevator in your mind and ride it down into your body. Once the elevator has arrived in your body, identify the emotions you find. Write them down.

Lower the elevator a little more and see if different emotions are in a different part of your body. Explore your whole body and write down everything you discover.

For the days to come, spend some time with each of those emotions and ask them what they have to say. Give each emotion a name if it’s easier. Once you feel more comfortable with an emotion, you will feel safer to actually feel it. 

For example, when I ride my elevator down into my chest, I can see anger. I named my anger Carrie. In my journaling time I ask Carrie, what do you have to say? She tells me all the reasons why she is angry and feels that life is unfair.

She tells me about my former marriage and how much I was taken advantage of. She reminds me of all the times he silenced me when I tried to share my needs and shamed me when I tried to speak up for myself.

She tells me about how enraged she feels that I never had a voice growing up. I was sexually abused and emotionally neglected, and if I expressed any emotion other than happiness, I was shamed and rejected by my family and culture. She is so angry for the “good girl” roles I had to play while never really being seen or valued.

As I get to know her and hear all of these things she has to say, I feel compassion for her and also start to feel anger along with her myself. Each time I connect with her, I validate why she is angry. The intensity of her emotion gets smaller and smaller the more I connect with her and feel her.

You can do this exercise with all emotions, and it can help you get to know yourself and not be so scared of what is contained inside. 

When neither your past nor your emotions haunt you, you are free to love your life in the present moment just as it is. Flawed, imperfect, messy, and unpredictable.

Now that I’m not scared of feeling my emotions, I am at peace. Sometimes I still need to grieve the truth of what has happened to me. I will never be okay with the abuse and neglect I experienced. However, I can feel those emotions when they come up, and they don’t overwhelm me. I feel them for that moment, and then I can move on to enjoy the life I have created now. A life that has people who really see me and care about me in it.

Perhaps the biggest change for me is that I don’t feel I have to prove my worth to anyone. I am just me, and I feel at peace with that. This shift has allowed me to get out of my head and just be.

We don’t need to dwell on the past or control how our life looks or what will happen next. We can just be here in the present, full of gratitude, hope, love, joy, and all the messiness from the past lives we have lived.

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About Janice Holland

Janice Holland is a certified trauma model therapist who empowers women to reactivate and reinvent themselves without spending years in therapy through her Courageous Woman Membership. Join at JaniceHolland.com/Membership or follow her on Instagram @the.trauma.teacher

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