Why I Deprioritized Myself and What I Now Know About Boundaries

“If you do not have needs, you once did.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg

When I was born, my mother did not want me. In the northern part of India, there is still a very strong preference for having a male child. A female child is often seen as a burden because of the social and economic traditions of patriarchy.

Because of this initial rejection, I became highly sensitive to my parents’ inner worlds. In my deep longing to be loved and accepted, I mastered the subtle art of sensing their needs and feelings, becoming a natural caretaker.

I would come back from school and notice my mother’s overwhelmed face. Her days were always busy and full with myriad responsibilities. Before I knew it, I slid into the role of mothering my younger brother. And so, growing up, due to circumstances and adaptation, my favorite thing in the world became making someone feel at home.

In my twenties, designing emotionally safe spaces became the core of my work. First as a university teacher and eventually as a wellness coach, I became a professional caretaker. Along with my students, I experienced the deepest textures of fulfillment and intimacy at work. My work became a nest for rebirthing and nurturing. Non-judgment, emotional safety, and warmth were its key tenets. It was an experience of inclusion, ease, and belongingness.

One day, I faced the decision to let go of a student who had been emotionally aggressive toward me. I felt fragmented into parts: one part feeling hurt for myself, and the other part feeling care and protectiveness toward the student who had crossed the line. In all honesty, I was more attuned and identified with the latter part.

For days, I suffered. I tried to find a way for these parts to coexist, but they couldn’t. I had to face the emotional reality of chaos and discomfort. As they say, if it is hysterical, it must be historical; during this internal churning, I had a significant insight. I realized that my favorite thing originated from my least favorite thing in the world.

I never wanted to subject anyone to the experience of feeling emotionally walled out, rejected, homeless, and undesired. This tenderness, stemming from my early childhood experience, made me highly attuned to anyone who might feel similarly.

Ironically, in designing a non-hierarchical classroom and workplace where everyone shared power, I was not taking my own needs and feelings into account. I was not listening to my own needs and feelings. To quote the late American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, “If you do not have needs, you once did.”

It awakened me to the awareness that I had learned to neglect my needs to the point where they did not matter as much as someone else’s. This was a learned behavior, an adaptation I made very early in my life.

This prevented me from drawing boundaries, even when necessary to protect my vitality and life spark. In trying to embody elements of an emotionally safe home, I was tuned out to my own personal truths, especially the subtle ones. It was through this experience of conflict that I could see the contest between these different parts.

In that moment of insight, my heart felt lighter after days of heaviness. I could see the beauty and dignity of my needs again. The part of me that did not receive unconditional acceptance from her primary caretakers had birthed the part that valued deep care and emotional safety for others. I was trying to soothe my grieving part by breathing life into others.

From a spiritual dimension, it was beautiful to witness that others were a part of me in this cosmic adaptation. However, in this material realm, it was important to acknowledge separation as a prerequisite for co-existence.

My learning was to first breathe life into my own abandoned part, nurturing it back to richness, ease, and wholeness, and then share my gifts from that choiceful place. 

Another simple question helped me: Every night, why do I lock the door of my apartment? It is to protect my space from strangers. Similarly, for me to embody emotional safety at my workplace, I need to first feel safe.

I saw the light and shadow meet at the horizon. Boundaries, which once seemed like rude, disruptive, and violent borders separating people, suddenly felt like love lines inside my body, helping me to love better, richer, and more honestly.

Learning to set boundaries was not easy. It required me to slow down and witness uncomfortable truths about my past and present. I had to learn to honestly understand where my giving was coming from and learn to heal and nurture my own grief.

It was only when I came in touch with that initial rupture that I could become more capable of giving genuine care and support to others without depleting myself.

This journey freed me from my savior syndrome and taught me to be self-compassionate and create a more authentic and nurturing environment for others.

Boundaries allowed me to reclaim my sense of self. They became a way for me to define what was acceptable and what was not, to express my limits, and to protect my emotional and mental health. This process also taught me the difference between passion and obsession. 

Today, I am more attuned to my own needs and feelings. I understand that setting boundaries is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event. It involves continually checking in with myself and adjusting as necessary. This dynamic process has brought more inner peace and honesty in my actions.

In essence, my journey of overcoming guilt and shame around drawing boundaries has been an inner journey of healing and integration. It allows me the choice to create a life that honors my personal truths, and in doing so, I am better equipped to support and nurture others in a healthy, sustainable way.

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About Charnita Arora

Charnita is passionate about living in an emotionally safe and authentic world. Before becoming a mom, she was a university teacher, mindfulness author, TEDx speaker, and the founder of a wellness-oriented classroom called Perfect Life Spot. Currently, Charnita offers mindfulness-based personal coaching and courses on developing self-love, emotional intelligence, setting boundaries, and becoming friends with anxiety and anger. All of it can be experienced online on Charnita.com.

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How to Boost Your Self-Esteem: 6 Tips to Like Yourself More

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

I have, as I believe many of us do, grappled with the thorny issues of self-esteem for much of my life. But it was only when I became terribly unwell with an autoimmune disease six years ago that I began to see how much low self-esteem was affecting my day-to-day life and my health.

I started to see how focusing on external validation and bending and folding, putting the needs of others ahead of mine, like a reed being dragged back and forth by the currents of a river, was a damaging way to live.

As I began to heal, I could see how not really valuing or trusting myself was filtering into almost every aspect of my life. I began to understand how even the little decisions that said “yes” or “no” to my true self were affecting my health and happiness.

I didn’t really know what I liked or didn’t like, who I was, or what I wanted from life. Well, at that point, I mostly wanted to be well, but I knew that emotional work was an important component of that. I also knew that developing greater self-worth would be key to my healing.

I began reflecting on what I value and enjoy. I began listening to messages from my body and from my intuition. I started to ask myself questions like, “Am I people-pleasing from a place of low self-esteem, or is my true self saying yes in all its honesty and wisdom?” and “Am I bending to please or placate someone else’s wishes just to accommodate them, to the detriment of my health and happiness?” I began to believe in myself and to recognize the value I add to this world.

Having high self-worth or self-esteem can be one of the most transformational and wonderful things for your happiness, health, and success, but how do we get from not holding ourselves in high regard to having high levels of love and esteem for ourselves?

Self-esteem is the way we value and see ourselves. It is our assessment of our overall worth or value. It is how much we like ourselves. It is something that forms over time, but, along with the rest of our subconscious beliefs, it is mostly formed at a young age.

Many of us suffer from low self-esteem, but it is totally possible to change and reframe our limiting beliefs.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your handbrake on.” ~Maxwell Maltz

Having low self-esteem can really hold us back from living a full and happy life. We might feel anxious and awkward around others because we feel unlovable or paralyzed by low self-esteem, unable to move forward and succeed in life because we don’t feel we’re worthy.

Low self-esteem often leads to high levels of self-criticism and ideas of not being good enough. It’s a feeling of generally thinking negatively about yourself and your life.

It may stem from things like bullying or abuse, mental or physical illness, stress, work, or relationship problems. It can often begin in childhood and develop over the years.

Low self-esteem can manifest in numerous ways, such as:

• people-pleasing
• being indecisive
• not having positive relationships
• getting angry or irritated easily
• regularly feeling overwhelming sadness
• Having difficulty creating boundaries
• holding a pessimistic outlook on life
• doubting your capabilities and capacity for success

The great news, however, is that developing love for yourself and creating a happier, more successful life is totally possible. Here’s how.

1. Work on developing self-compassion.

I can be hard on myself at times—much harder on myself than on others. Nurturing self-compassion has helped me soften toward myself and, in doing so, view myself with a kinder lens.

Kristen Neff explains, “Tender self-compassion is the capacity that allows us to be with ourselves just as we are—comforting and reassuring ourselves that we aren’t alone, as well as validating our pain. It has the gentle, nurturing quality of a mother toward a newborn child.”

A useful technique for being kinder to yourself is to think about how you might respond to a good friend or a young child if they were beating themselves up about something. Just noticing how differently we speak to ourselves and beginning to adjust that to something kinder and gentler is an excellent way to start building compassion toward ourselves.

Loving-kindness meditations have been very helpful for me in cultivating self-compassion. Incorporating one into your routine is an excellent way to develop self-compassion as a tangible practice.

2. Set goals, and don’t break your promises to yourself.

Building trust in yourself and your capabilities is an important part of developing self-worth. However, be careful not to allow goal-setting to be just another stick to beat yourself with.

I live with a chronic illness, so setting goals can be challenging. My health can often dictate what I can achieve, so I have to be gentle in my approach to this. I keep my intentions reasonable, realistic, and compassionate. That means if I have a setback with my health, I don’t end up feeling bad for not keeping my promises to myself.

Showing up for yourself and not letting yourself down tells your subconscious that you’re worth it. As long as you remain flexible and kind to yourself, setting small goals and then reveling in your accomplishments can begin to change the narrative you might have created around your abilities and not being good enough. Set realistic goals so you don’t set yourself up for failure, and build up over time as you develop your confidence and self-worth.

If, like me, you have health woes, perhaps one of your goals might be to make sure you do a gentle yoga flow that you know helps with your pain. Or maybe even something as simple as making sure you spend ten minutes outside first thing in the morning so you get some sunlight and fresh air. The crucial thing is to show up for yourself and let your subconscious know that you matter.

Or, if you are terrified of speaking up in meetings at work, set yourself a goal to say something once in the coming week. This small goal will feel more manageable than committing to speaking up in every meeting, and you’re more likely to achieve it, thereby swerving the shame spiral and negative self-talk trap. When you do speak up, really celebrate it!

3. Take stock of your achievements.

Make a list of things you’re good at. Start with small things like: good at being kind, funny, on time, tidy, whatever it may be. Come up with as many as you can, but ten is a good goal. Just writing this list will boost your confidence and shift you out of negative thought patterns.

Then think about things you’ve achieved over your life—things like excelling in a sport or learning to cook or play an instrument.

Next, consider what you’ve achieved at school, university, or work. Chances are, you excelled somewhere along the way, but you’ve told yourself a story to the contrary. It’s time to rewrite that story. Really revel in those successes. Maybe you could even write some words of praise next to each one. Go on, give yourself a gold star—you know you want to!

I have an evening journaling practice, and sometimes, especially at times when I’m feeling a little down on myself, I write three things I did well that day. This always helps boost my mood and affects how I feel about myself.

4. Accept compliments.

I don’t know how many times I’ve deflected a compliment I’ve received: “You look nice today.” “Ugh, no, my hair’s awful” or some other such brush-off.

I’ve started making a conscious effort to simply say, “Thanks very much” when someone pays me a compliment. I can’t say I feel totally at ease with it all the time, but it’s a warmer experience of receiving appreciation. I think it probably feels nicer for the person bestowing their kind words too.

When we don’t feel good about ourselves, accepting a compliment can feel really awkward because we just can’t imagine how it’s true. It’s also considered culturally polite to modestly negate or refute a compliment, so it almost feels like a natural reflex to bat it away quickly and move on. But doing this keeps you in low self-worth and maintains the narrative of negativity you spin for yourself.

The next time someone pays you a compliment, I invite you to just say, “Thanks so much” or “How nice of you to say.” The more you practice responding in this way, the more you will start to elevate your thoughts and feelings about yourself and develop higher self-esteem.

5. Practice self-care.

Looking after yourself is such an act of love. Consistently putting yourself and your needs first tells your brain that you’re worth it. Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. It actually enables you to give more fully to the people and things in your life that matter. It really is true that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Self-care absolutely looks like meditation, yoga, etc., but it also looks like getting enough sleep, eating well, moving your body, getting out in nature, and doing things you enjoy.

Add it to your plan for the week. Build it into your calendar because it’s just as important as the meetings or whatever else you have filling up your week (more so, IMO!). Self-care is a way to keep showing up for yourself, showing yourself that you are worthy of care and love, which will raise your self-esteem to no end.

One of my favorite self-care practices is to light a load of candles and incense, get some relaxing music on, and read a book. It makes me feel cozy and comforted and relaxes me. It can be all manner of things—whatever helps you show yourself the love you deserve.

6. Try positive affirmations.

Affirmations are a wonderful tool to help improve your self-esteem, but they need to be done right. Until I learned more about how affirmations work, they felt a bit meaningless to me.

For them to work, our subconscious mind needs to accept them as true.

If you have low self-worth, for example, chances are you won’t just immediately believe, at a subconscious level, the affirmation “I am worthy of love.” Once your self-esteem is a little higher, affirmations like that will work well, but when you’re coming from a place of low self-worth, your critical faculty won’t let “I am” affirmations pass go.

While you’re developing your self-esteem, try using affirmations like “I am learning to feel worthy of love” or “Every day, in every way, I am learning to show myself the love and respect I deserve.”

Affirmations like these feel much more credible to your belief system. Over time, they will help rewire your subconscious and, in doing so, help you raise your self-esteem.

—

I know firsthand that raising self-worth can be a slow and bumpy road, but it’s a journey well worth taking. Self-esteem is a crucial aspect of having positive relationships with yourself and others.

By being gentle with yourself, accepting loving words from others, focusing on your achievements and skills, continually showing up for and looking after yourself, and reprogramming your subconscious mind, you can make a huge difference to your levels of happiness and success in life.

A better relationship with yourself is the first step toward creating better relationships with those around you, and, if you ask me, loving, joyful relationships are what life is all about. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

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About Sarah Littlefair

Sarah Littlefair is an integrative hypnotherapist and somatic coach. She helps people reprogram their minds and regulate their nervous systems so that they can tackle the root causes of chronic stress, burnout, chronic illness, and emotional issues to feel calm and confident and live their happiest, healthiest lives. If you’d like to know more, please reach out: Website: sarahlittlefair.com. Email: sarah@sarahlittlefair.com Instagram: @sarah_littlefair

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Healing Your Broken Heart After Miscarriage

“You never arrived in my arms, but you will never leave my heart.” ~Zoe Clark-Coates

If you have experienced a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of pregnancy loss all too well, as I recently experienced a miscarriage at ten weeks pregnant.

It was a complete shock.

I had two healthy previous pregnancies, and everything felt fine—until it wasn’t.

As a mental health professional, I have worked with many women who have experienced miscarriage, and I know the statistics show that one in four will experience pregnancy loss.

With everything I knew and all the stories I had heard, I still hadn’t considered how likely it was to happen to me. During and after the loss, I found myself in a tunnel of darkness, sorrow, anger, shame, and unrelenting guilt.

Before I go further, I want to affirm that miscarriage is a significant loss, and it is natural to hurt deeply. Your grief is real, and it deserves to be honored.

“Grief only exists where love lived first.” ~Franchesca Cox

This quote is an important reminder that the attachment, love, and hopes you had for a future with your baby were real, and it does not matter how many weeks along you were.

In the aftermath of my miscarriage, I truly expected to move on quickly and didn’t imagine it would take such a toll on my well-being and mental health.

For months, I was triggered by everything and would break down into tears daily. I felt tremendous guilt for miscarrying.

The word “miscarriage” itself made me feel like I must have missed something, like I had failed my baby, my husband, and myself.

At no point had I received a follow-up call or been offered emotional support from doctors, and I truly didn’t realize how traumatic the physical aspect would be.

I knew I couldn’t change the pain of this experience and that I could not continue to bury it and isolate myself, hoping that the grief would just disappear. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my third baby, my life changed, and it changed again when I lost the baby.

Here are some tips as a pregnancy loss survivor and mental health professional that helped me heal and find my sense of self again.

Grieve and Mourn Your Baby

Grief is your feelings and thoughts associated with the death, whereas mourning is when you take that pain outside of yourself by showing or doing something. Please give yourself permission to feel your feelings, and if you have any mementos, consider placing them in a special memory box.

I have a box with my pregnancy test, ultrasound picture, and a picture my four-year-old daughter drew for her angel baby brother or sister.

Take Time to Heal

Take some time to heal, and do not rush to get back into your normal routine. Something traumatic has happened to your body and soul, and you need time to recover.

Take some time off work, cancel commitments, and let household chores slide for as long as necessary.

Remember: There is no timeline for grieving. It hurts for as long as it hurts, and you need your own patience and compassion every step of the way.

Set Aside Time to Grieve

Purposefully invite your pain in and set time aside to mourn your baby. I know this may sound strange, but grief and mourning are hard work, and as human beings, we can easily push away the pain that comes with grief.

I encourage you to give yourself five or ten minutes of uninterrupted time where you dedicate yourself to your pain and truly allow yourself to feel it.

In the early days after my miscarriage, I would listen to Taylor Swift’s “Bigger Than the Whole Sky” and allow myself to cry while writing. That song spoke to me after my miscarriage and can still make me feel close to my baby when I listen to it today.

Find Your Tribe

I know initiating discussions around miscarriage is difficult, but remember that you are not alone, and that every time you share your story, you are breaking down the stigma and shame associated with talking about miscarriage.

Whether you join an in-person support group or just post in a community forum online, sharing your feelings can help you process them, and it could also help someone else heal from their loss.

If you are supporting a loved one through a miscarriage, please do not put pressure on yourself to “fix” their pain.

Your presence, empathy, and ongoing emotional support will help them in their healing more than you know.

Some Parting Thoughts

Be gentle and patient with yourself during this time, and remember that everyone experiences pregnancy loss grief in their own unique way.

An affirmation that I tell myself on those hard days is: My baby lives in my heart and will be safe there forever.

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About Chantal Lester

Are you struggling with infertility, loss, or trauma? Chantal Lester, MSc, CCC, RP (Qualifying) is here to support you when you're ready. Click here to read more about Chantal's approach and expertise. Take that important step toward a healthier you with Calm Cool Collective Counselling. Fill out our Therapist Match Form, and we'll match you with a therapist within 24 hours. Plus, enjoy a FREE 15-minute phone consultation with your chosen therapist! Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.

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5 Ways to Stay Mentally Strong, No Matter What

“Have a little faith in your ability to handle whatever’s coming down the road. Believe that you have the strength and resourcefulness required to tackle whatever challenges come your way.” ~Lori Deschene

My life is unpredictable.

These days, it feels like I wake up not knowing what obstacles I’m going to be facing or how to manage it all. Is the world getting more challenging, or is it just me?

There doesn’t seem to be a magic carpet ride to rescue me, or any of us for that matter, ready to whisk us off into the sunset for a rendition of Aladdin’s “Whole New World,” with “shining, shimmering splendor.”

Do you, like me, wonder, “How is everyone else navigating life these days?”

Attempting to put my mind into a semblance of order the other day, I pulled out my self-development toolbox. I began digging around to see what I had on hand from all the self-development books and blog posts I’ve read, therapists I’ve seen, and workshops I’ve taken.

I came up with the usual suspects: Embrace change! Practice mindfulness! Find your purpose! Reclaim your power! While these fab four sound like a great tried-and-true collection, it felt like I was trying to use the rules of Candyland to navigate the fire-breathing dragons in Game of Thrones.

Help.

Like so many others I interact with, such as family, clients, and friends, I sense uncertainty building up on a consistent basis. The hardest part is not having the luxury to curl up and shut the shades and hide under the blankets because there are bills to pay, jobs and careers to sit up straight for, and families to attend to.

So where do I draw confidence in my ability to handle life?

I think back to my childhood as a Gen X kid. Growing up in a small town on a dead-end street with ten siblings, I had to figure out how to fend for myself from a very young age. Food went quickly, and I had to forage and make sure I got my share. If there was a school project, I had to find odds and ends in the house to paste together and create an appropriate report to present to the class on my own.

My parents didn’t get down with glue and popsicle sticks. Ever.

Using the words “I’m bored” got you a broom and baby handed to you, so I kept myself busy and out of sight of the adults. Anytime I needed a ride anywhere, it was up to me to figure out how to get there and home, and I got stranded many times.

The superpower I developed as a kid so I could survive was resourcefulness.

This was, by definition, the ability to find quick and clever ways to overcome difficulties and make use of that which others would normally overlook or discard. If I didn’t have what I wanted or needed, I would have to create possibilities using limited or no resources.

I developed curiosity, an ability to take care of myself, and the determination to find solutions in the face of any adversity and solve problems for myself and my younger siblings. I put together costumes, learned to sew my own clothes, cooked meals, and became an expert storyteller and little-white-lie fabricator.

Hypervigilance developed so I could figure out how to read the emotional state of the adults, who were consumed with their responsibilities and their own unfulfilled dreams. Keeping out of harm’s way, such as avoiding my father’s wrath or the teacher’s punishment, became my expertise. Friends were everything, and they, along with the outdoors, helped me have a pretty incredible childhood with lots of fun memories.

What I learned from my childhood is this: It’s not always a lack of resources that is the problem; it’s a lack of resourcefulness that causes failure.

There are resources that we think we need, such as money, the right technology, the right contacts, enough time, the best lawyer, etc., and while there’s truth to that, we struggle because we lack the ultimate resource—which is emotional resourcefulness, something we could all access. When you dig deep and utilize your emotional resources,you can get almost any other resource on earth.

It’s Time to Develop Emotional and Practical Resourcefulness

Here are my five tips to stay mentally strong and navigate anything that comes your way in life.

1. Use what you have.

When I was a kid, no one went to the store to buy me supplies, trendy trinkets, or even necessities like pajamas, pencils, and enough socks. We used and reused what we had around.

Even when I can afford things I need, I like to take a look at my Amazon cart and double check to see if I have anything at home that I could makeshift or ask a neighborhood WhatsApp group for. You’d be surprised at what people offer up for free, both goods and services. You just have to ask.

Bartering works as well. I have gotten vacations paid for, kids’ school tuition in exchange for marketing services, and plane tickets for use of my home for a night or two.

2. Develop your hustle.

If I wanted the latest thing the other kids had or wanted to go for pizza with my friends, I babysat, raked leaves, and hustled my grandmother for money. I found that if I played her a song on the piano and told her I was the best and prettiest in my class, she would give me $5. It made us both happy!

Obtain invitations by befriending people you admire and want to be like. Worm your way into communities of your choice by shopping in those neighborhood grocery and coffee shops and talk to people there. Sign up for training and meetings in the town-run parks and recreation centers in those neighborhoods as well. Don’t stop the hustle mindsetwherever you go.

 3. Practice self-talk.

All through my childhood, I used to constantly tell myself, from the top bunk bed in a crowded bedroom with my sisters, that one day I would be a writer like I read about in my favorite book, Anne of Green Gables. I knew I would one day sell my stories and have the money I wanted. I do that today!

When I would see things around me that I didn’t like, and there were many, I reminded myself that I would one day be like the well-dressed women in my mother’s magazines: colorful clothes, big white smiles. Seek outside inspiration for this and speak positive, goal-oriented dialogue to yourself.

When something is not as you would like, tell yourself, “I don’t like it, it’s an inconvenience, and it’s temporary.” Not BUT it’s temporary; say and, or furthermore. “And it’s temporary.” That’s how you talk to yourself, according to former prisoner of war Edith Eger, author of The Choice. “No matter what happens, it’s temporary and I can survive it.”

4. Trust your intuition.

Trust that you have the intuition to figure it out. We made it home from school, found our friends outside to hang out with, kept ourselves alive, and sensed when to avoid dangerous adults (most of the time).

Trust that your instincts will kick in at the precise moment needed, and it may be last-minute, but you’ll always figure it out.

5. Know that you have a unique purpose.

I knew my purpose was to be a writer, and I did a good job on my writing assignments in grade school. Never underestimate your power to make a difference with your talent or your purpose, and believe that you have something to offer the world—and offer it.

I used to volunteer for just an hour a week at a recovery center when I was at my lowest, just to feel purposeful, and I reaped magical rewards from that experience.

Bonus Tip: Build a Support System

No one can navigate life’s challenges alone, and building a strong support system is crucial for mental strength. As a Gen X kid, we had our friends on the street to hang out with all the time; we were always there for each other.

Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends or family members (and/or professionals) that you trust, who can provide valuable perspectives along with emotional support. Having a support system not only lightens the load but can also reinforce your much-needed mental fortitude to develop a strong mind.

—

While life is unpredictable, by incorporating these five practices into your life, you can build a foundation of mental strength that will serve you well in any circumstance.

Remember, staying mentally strong is not about avoiding challenges but about facing them head-on with resourcefulness, courage, resilience, and a positive attitude. With these tools in your arsenal, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the unpredictable journey of life and emerge stronger on the other side.

“Know that you always have the capacity to make the best of anything. Even if you didn’t want it or ask for it, even if it seems scary or hard or unfair, you can make something good out of any loss or hardship. You can learn from it, grow from it, help others through it, and maybe even thrive because of it. The future is unknown, but you can know this for sure: Whatever’s coming, you got this.” ~Lori Deschene

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About Esther Litchfield-Fink

Esther Litchfield-Fink is a verbal and written communications expert. You can follow her at estherfink.com. Sign up for a free intro call here, and get on the list for her digital course on How to Heal from Toxic Relationships. She has a master’s degree in organizational psychology and has been featured on tinyBuddha.com three times, as well as many other websites.

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Liminal Space: Where Painful Endings Can Become New Beginnings

“New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings.” ~Lao Tzu

Life has a way of pushing us into the unknown, often through experiences that initially seem devastating. These moments of profound loss and confusion, however, can lead to transformative new beginnings. My journey is a testament to this truth, and I want to share some pivotal experiences that illustrate how painful endings can become gateways to new paths.

Years ago, Steve Jobs gave a commencement speech at Stanford University, where he shared three stories from his life, highlighting how it’s only through looking back that we can connect the dots. Inspired by his speech, I want to share three stories from my life, showing how new beginnings have become apparent as I stepped into the liminal space, embraced the unknown, and accepted endings.

Liminal spaces are those in-between moments when one phase of life ends, and the next has not yet begun. These are periods of uncertainty and discomfort, but they are also filled with potential for profound transformation. It’s in these spaces that we can let go of the past and open ourselves to new possibilities, even if the transition feels unsettling.

From Failure to Triumph in Music Technology

As a teenager, I was deeply passionate about music technology. I received good feedback from my teachers and was considered one of the top students in my class. My predicted grades were excellent, and I felt confident about my future in this field.

However, when the AS (advanced) level results came in, I was devastated to see a U in music technology. My teachers had not adequately prepared us for the curriculum, leading to unexpectedly low grades across the board.

This setback forced me to reconsider my future plans. It was a crushing blow; all my dreams seemed to crumble in an instant. The frustration of feeling let down by my teachers, combined with my own sense of failure, was overwhelming.

I vividly remember sitting in my room, staring at the results, feeling a mix of anger and despair. The thought of giving up on my passion crossed my mind more than once.

I remember feeling so lost. I was at my friend Mike’s house, chatting with him and his girlfriend, trying to figure out my next steps. I had given up on music technology and was looking at other courses at the local college—anything to get a qualification worth something.

I considered health and social care, thinking, “I’m quite good with people; maybe I could do something like that.” But it wasn’t what I wanted to do—it was just a desperate attempt to find something, anything, that felt achievable. I was at such a low point, feeling completely devastated.

Mike sat me down and reminded me of my strengths. He said, “Gord, you’re one of the best sound engineers I know. You run the production at our church better than anyone else. You can’t give up on this.”

His words hit me hard. I had been running sound at our church and playing in one of the worship bands, alternating between playing drums and managing the sound. Mike’s belief in me reignited a spark of hope.

Encouraged by Mike’s words, I decided not to give up on my dreams. Instead, I enrolled in a music technology course at a local college. The difference was striking—the course was far more comprehensive and practical.

Unlike the largely theory-based classes in school, where the teacher read from a textbook and we copied answers, this course was hands-on. We used the equipment, practically making music, running shows, and recording albums.

Being able to tangibly use a reverb unit or a compressor, rather than just listening to the same audio file and being told what it sounded like, provided immense benefit to my learning. The practical experience with up-to-date equipment was a game-changer.

I thrived in this new environment, pouring my heart and soul into my studies. After two years, I graduated with a triple distinction, equivalent to three A’s at the A level. This achievement was a direct result of the painful ending of my initial school experience, which pushed me toward a more suitable and enriching path.

Reflecting on this journey, I am reminded that, at the time, the failure felt like the end of the world. But looking back, it was the catalyst that pushed me to where I needed to be. It’s often in these moments of despair that we find our true path.

A Crisis of Faith and a Spiritual Awakening

Five years later, I found myself deeply entrenched in the evangelical Christian church. My journey began with a strong interest in production, which led me to volunteer in the production team at a much bigger church. My skills in sound engineering grew, and I started getting freelance work managing sound at events.

This exposure led a pastor to suggest I join their leadership course—a gap year in preaching and pastoral leadership. During this gap year, I picked up numerous skills in leading groups, mentoring, coaching, and pastoring people. I also delved deeply into theology, finally having the resources to explore all the questions I had been harboring.

After completing the leadership course, I began working for the church, doing marketing for one of their programs. I introduced new initiatives and received positive feedback from my managers.

Despite the positive feedback and new initiatives I’d introduced, during my probation meeting after six months, my line manager’s manager told me I had not met my targets. This came as a shock because I knew it wasn’t true, which my line manager (who was shocked at the decision) privately confirmed. It coincided with a period when the church hadn’t met its financial goals from a recent giving service. I strongly suspect I was let go due to budget constraints, but they couldn’t admit that, so they blamed my performance.

Despite being let go, I took on a leadership position, pastoring a graduate connect group of about forty people, and continued freelancing in production for the church. I was also in the discernment process for becoming a vicar—a two-year journey I had started at the beginning of my gap year. This process involved deep reflection, guidance from mentors, and assessments to determine my suitability for ordained ministry.

During a weekend retreat, while leading a worship session, the weight of my doubts and questions came crashing down on me. I found myself on my knees, desperately seeking divine guidance. In that moment of vulnerability, I had a profound realization.

I had confined my understanding of the divine to the walls of the church, limiting my spiritual growth. As I looked around, it felt as though my faith was in ruins, but beyond those ruins, I saw a beautiful expanse of possibility.

This epiphany led me to leave the church and embark on a new spiritual journey. I moved to a different city, took a job in the charity sector, and began exploring different spiritual practices. I started meditating, reading about various spiritual traditions, and connecting with nature in a way I never had before.

This painful ending of my conventional faith was the gateway to a broader and more fulfilling spiritual path. I discovered a spirituality that was personal, expansive, and deeply resonant with who I was becoming.

Leaving the church was one of the hardest decisions I ever made. It felt like I was betraying a part of myself and my community. But in that liminal space, I found a new understanding of the divine that was more inclusive and expansive. This taught me that faith is not about rigid adherence to doctrines but about a personal and evolving relationship with the divine.

Rediscovering Myself During the Pandemic

Two years ago, during the lockdown, I was working for a large technology company in one of their shops. It was a well-paying job, and I excelled at it.

This was my dream job since I was a kid, and it provided security and stability. However, the lockdown provided an unexpected opportunity to reconnect with my spirituality.

Before the pandemic, I attended a meditation retreat in Valencia. Seeking to make meditation a more integral part of my life, I spent time at a spiritual center in the mountains, learning transcendental meditation, Tai Chi, and yoga. I also learned to use a pendulum to connect with my intuition, which became an immensely helpful practice.

During the pandemic, between the first and second lockdowns, I was at a friend’s house, and they offered to give me a tarot reading. I’d always been taught to avoid tarot due to its links to the occult and predicting the future, which didn’t interest me, but my friend explained over some libations that it could be used to understand the present and gain insights into current situations. Reassured and feeling confidently inebriated, I accepted.

After the reading, they asked if I would give them one in return. I agreed, and to my surprise, they found my reading insightful, noting that I provided more depth than the guidebook interpretations. Encouraged, they gifted me the tarot deck, and I began practicing earnestly.

When the second lockdown began, I found myself with ample free time. I practiced tarot readings tirelessly, offering free readings on social media and dating profiles. The response was overwhelming, and I conducted hundreds of readings for strangers, honing my skills, deepening my connection to the practice, and helping people find clarity in the here and now.

However, as I returned to work, my mental health began to deteriorate. The demands of the job, combined with the unresolved issues I had been exploring, became too much to bear. I experienced a severe mental health breakdown and was signed off sick.

During this time, I pursued an autism diagnosis, which brought a new level of understanding and acceptance into my life. The diagnosis was a turning point; it explained so much about my experiences and struggles, and it opened up new ways to approach my life and work.

While I was signed off, my sister and I went to a Reiki session, and she mentioned my tarot reading skills to the practitioner. This led to an invitation to participate in a Mind Body Spirit event organized by someone the Reiki practitioner knew. This opportunity sparked the idea of turning my passion into a profession.

I realized that I could help others with the insights and guidance that tarot provided. Starting my own business has been challenging and rewarding, offering me job satisfaction and the flexibility to manage my autism. I might not be making as much money as I did in my previous job, but the fulfillment and alignment with my true self are priceless.

This experience underscored the importance of listening to one’s inner voice and having the courage to pursue a path that aligns with one’s true self. It also highlighted that sometimes external circumstances, like a global pandemic, can force us into introspection and significant life changes.

Embracing the Liminal Space

These experiences taught me the value of the liminal space—the in-between moments when one phase of life ends and the next has not yet begun. It’s a space filled with uncertainty and discomfort, but also with the potential for profound transformation.

When we fail our exams, question our faith, or face a mental health crisis, we are thrust into this liminal space. It’s only by letting go of what was and embracing the unknown that we can see new paths and opportunities. These transitions, though painful, are necessary for growth and new beginnings.

In each of these moments, I felt lost and unsure. But it was in these depths that I discovered new aspects of myself and new directions for my life. It’s like Indiana Jones taking a leap of faith into the unknown—the path only becomes visible once we commit to moving forward.

Reflecting on these experiences, I’m reminded of Steve Jobs’ Stanford commencement speech. He said, “You can’t connect the dots looking forward; you can only connect them looking backwards.”

This couldn’t be truer for my life. At the time, these failures and challenges felt like the end of the world. But looking back, they were the catalysts that pushed me to where I needed to be.

Each phase of my journey, from music technology to church leadership to personal spiritual growth, has contributed invaluable skills and insights. Although I didn’t become a sound engineer or a vicar, the skills I developed continue to shape my current work and life.

The guidance, empathy, and leadership techniques I honed are invaluable in my tarot practice. Similarly, my sound engineering skills are utilized in creating recorded readings, guided meditation sessions, and potentially a podcast.

All these experiences, which seemed devastating at the time, are the reason I’m here today, doing what I love. I’m able to help people, work for myself, set my own boundaries, and create a fulfilling life. This wouldn’t have happened if I hadn’t been thrust into the liminal space.

So, when life pushes you into the liminal space, embrace it. Let go of the past and open yourself up to the possibilities that lie ahead. New beginnings are often disguised as painful endings, and it’s in these moments of transition that we find our true path.

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About Gord

Gord is a non-binary professional tarot reader based in Manchester, UK, offering insightful tarot readings in Manchester and tarot readings online. With a rich background in spiritual practices and a passion for guiding others, Gord empowers their clients to navigate life’s transitions with clarity and confidence. Explore Gord’s books, Simply Tarot and Simply Spreads, or join their immersive course, Simply Tarot. Discover more at tarotwithgord.com, or follow them on Instagram @tarotwithgord.

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3 Healthy Love Lessons for Survivors of Trauma and Abuse

“Maybe it’s time for the fighter to be fought for, the holder to be held, and the lover to be loved.” ~Unknown

Growing up, I had no reference whatsoever for what a healthy relationship looked like. My parents had me as a result of an affair. I was estranged from my father for a decade or so, and I spent my childhood with my mother and my stepfather. And both were far from healthy.

I remember vividly this one day they got into a verbal fight. Things got so heated that he angrily threw her a glass of wine at her as she approached the door to go to work.

Fortunately, the glass hit the wall as my mom closed the door, laughing at my stepfather’s failed attempt to hurt her. I, a little girl, stayed behind to clean up the mess and deal with my stepfather’s rage. Since he could not aim it at her now, he had no problems aiming it at me, hitting and abusing me my whole childhood.

To add to the mix, we lived a very isolated life; I would never hang out at my friends’ homes or have people over until my mom finally decided to leave him. I was seventeen when we nervously packed our bags and secretly ran away, leaving my stepfather behind.

Because of the abuse and isolation, I was pretty unaware of other family dynamics. You may laugh at me, but since I had nowhere else to look, sometimes Brazilian telenovelas were my main source of information.

When I think about it, there’s this particular day that comes to mind.

I see myself, a skinny little black girl with short, relaxed hair, sitting on the floor, watching a telenovela with my mom and two brothers while dreaming of a telenovela-like, loving relationship. I recall the main characters on screen passionately declaring their love for each other. My eyes sparkled in awe, hoping that that would be me one day.

I don’t know if my mother would notice how hopeful I looked, but she would bring my hopes down to zero by reminding me that that did not happen in real life.

Good times, ay? Nowadays, I laugh about it while living my telenovela-like relationship, minus the toxicity characteristic of these shows. I’m so happy she was wrong!

For years, though, I believed I did not deserve love and that no one would ever want to have a long-term relationship with me, and that got me into a cycle of unhealthy, loveless relationships.

Luckily, as I started healing, I realized this was not true. It was just something the adults in my life taught me when I was a child, with words and actions. Let’s get real; I didn’t have the best examples growing up.

But as I always say, just because you didn’t have good examples growing up, that doesn’t mean you can’t be the example.

Still, I had to be honest with myself. Although I was open to a healthy, long-term relationship, I had no idea how that worked, so I knew I had to start from scratch. And let me tell you: I learned some invaluable lessons on this journey, and I cannot wait to share them with you.

#1. Your relationship with yourself will dictate the type of relationship you attract.

I didn’t realize I was still treating myself the way my abusers used to treat me until I was almost thirty years old. Before this realization, my self-talk was atrocious: I would call myself stupid, ugly, dumb, weirdo… As I said, atrocious. On top of that, I’d deny myself things, sabotage all chances of real success, put everyone before me, and bully myself all day long.

I later learned that even though we tend to do these things in the intimacy of our thoughts, they inevitably show up in all areas of our lives. For example, people with bad intentions see we don’t have self-respect, so they step in and disrespect us. Self-centered individuals notice our lack of boundaries, and guess what they do? Yes, they cross the line over and over.

I’ve learned the hard way that others will treat you the way you treat yourself. So, when you’re looking to have a healthy long-term relationship, the first step is healing the relationship with yourself.

#2. Boring is good.

I’ve noticed that most of the time, when survivors like me talk about being bored in a relationship, we’re not actually talking about being bored; we’re just unfamiliar with peace and “normality.” This was something I definitely experienced.

I remember being confronted with this feeling on a particular day; nothing special happened, but I felt weirdly uneasy while walking down the street. My survivor’s brain immediately started thinking something was wrong; I started screening my mind for problems and things to worry about. And then it hit me: I was just feeling peaceful and calm. There was absolutely nothing to worry about, and that’s healthy and okay. I was simply not used to it. At all.

When it comes to relationships, if we’re used to unhealthy patterns and make them the norm, it feels strange when things are good. That’s why we may try to look for problems and things to worry about in our relationship when, in reality, everything is okay, because we don’t realize that’s what healthy feels like—peaceful.

Of course, if you’re really bored and there’s no love, that’s a different story. But I think it’s worth doing a check-in just in case our brain is trying to trick us into sabotaging true, healthy love to make us go back to the “familiar,” which, for many of us, means unhealthy.

I know how crazy that sounds, but trust me, our brain thinks all familiar things are good, and it takes some time to reprogram it. I feel like this is an excellent opportunity to start doing the reprogramming work. What do you think?

#3. Healthy love is easy.

As someone who grew up watching toxic relationships in telenovelas, endured abuse, and also suffered from society’s pressure and influence, I used to firmly believe that love was hard, painful, a struggle, and that it took work. A lot of work.

I spent half of my life chasing butterflies in my stomach, only to realize the butterflies were actually anxiety because my now-ex-partner didn’t make me feel safe.

Today, if there’s one thing I’m confident about, it’s that healthy love is easy, and it flows. Yes, you’ll have challenges, but the whole relationship does not feel like a struggle.

I promise you, you’ll know healthy love when you see it, especially after you start healing the relationship with yourself and begin looking for peace instead of trauma-related emotions.

Do you know the feeling of carrying the weight of a relationship? It’s not going to be there in a healthy partnership. The same goes for questioning your partner’s love and dedication to you and the relationship.

But here’s the thing: We can only experience this if we start healing and stop wasting time in unhealthy relationships.

You see, the chances of finding someone incompatible with you are infinite, and of course, you will encounter some interesting characters. The secret lies in not wasting your time there. Keep moving. True, healthy love is around the corner!

I hope this inspires you to welcome and nurture true love and healthier relationships and not let your past experiences tell you what you can or cannot have.

You are worthy of a beautiful, fulfilling, and loving relationship. Let it in.

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About Erika Sardinha

Erika Sardinha is an empowerment coach for survivors based in the Canary Islands. Her purpose is to help survivors reconnect with themselves, heal, and thrive from the inside out. She offers private and group coaching for people who've been through trauma while providing various free resources to her community. Check Erika's Free Community of badass thriving survivors: Happy Survivors Tribe, and access her 10-minute Guided Tapping Meditation for True Relaxation and Joy! Instagram / Facebook

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How I Ditched Alcohol (Again) and Lost 30 Pounds

“Setbacks are simply reminders.” ~Alison Schuh Hawsey

The nightly wine was back. This time with a vengeance.

It began in late October, when I was happily organizing the bathroom of my new home. The phone rang, and everything changed. My beloved friend/soulmate/ex-boyfriend/twin flame was in the hospital. Three days later, he passed over the veil.

This was also the day I began completely giving up on any continuation of clean eating, drinking, and living. That evening, I downed three dirty martinis on an empty stomach after a long spell of not drinking. Throwing up in my driveway was a new low. Soon after, my dear friend Kristen helped me to bed.

For the next several months, a ritual evolved. I would pop into the grocery store around 5 p.m. to buy one—just one—bottle of wine. I had no interest in the 10% savings on a case because I clung to the hope that tomorrow would be different. Tomorrow, I would be strong enough to manage the emotional pain without wine.

Alcohol for me was a choice. I wasn’t an alcoholic, but I was someone who abused it when my emotions were too much, or to celebrate, or to alleviate my social anxiety, or simply when I was bored.

More than a year went by.

About fifteen months later, my father, days before passing over the veil himself, commented, “You need to cut your hair… and you drink too much.”

Humbling, to say the least.

Looking back, I was lost, depressed, and the heaviest I had ever been. I no longer fit into the “regular”-sized clothing and had to venture into the plus department. I hopped on the scale at my parents’ house, and the number was so shocking I couldn’t even cry. So I laughed.

That was a turning point for me. I let go of the guilt and embarrassment when people did a double take after not seeing me for a while. I let go of the shame that erupted when friends and loved ones had heart-to-hearts with me about how worried they were.

I knew the forty pounds, inflammation, achy joints, low energy, lack of productivity, anxiety, and depression were completely blocking my intuition, connection, and contentment.

The most ironic part was that only three years earlier, I had created my own program to help other people drink less.

Who was I? How had I lost track of myself? When would this cycle end?

Then, of course, like any synchronicity, she popped in unexpectedly.

By “she,” I am referring to Elegant Evelyn.

My muse was born several years earlier, as I sat at my kitchen table with a notebook writing down the names of people I admired. As I listed their favorite qualities, I began to cry. Many of these people had passed over, yet I could feel them right there with me.

I now understand that this deeply emotional and personal moment was the gift of a lifetime. The qualities in my notebook were also hibernating within me, ready to burst forth like the first flowers of spring. Just as rain births the first vibrant daffodils and fragrant hyacinths, my tears bring forth my muse.

Just like magic, the name “Elegant Evelyn” sang through my ears and heart.

The name came from my grandmother’s best friend, who was also my mother’s godmother. While I didn’t know her well, I admired her from afar.

Evelyn was the closest thing to Coco Chanel in my small hometown. As she served scrumptious appetizers on silver platters at her parties, I would admire her chic way of dressing, the way she held herself, how she spoke, how she ate, how she made others feel comfortable, and, of course, her fabulous way of decorating.

Years later, when she was ill, I had a vivid dream. Evelyn in capri pants, ballet slippers, striped boatneck top, floppy hat, and her signature red lipstick. Riding a bike with a baguette and bouquet of flowers in the basket. As she rode in front of me, she smiled, waved, and cheerfully said, “I’ll see you soon!”

The next morning, I woke and shared the dream with my mom. She replied, “Meg, she passed over last night.”

That dream and the inspiration she evoked within me stayed tucked away for years, just like a valuable and delicate gift waiting to be opened at the perfect time.

When my life, body, work, home, intuition, and sense of spiritual connection were at their lowest, Elegant Evelyn came knocking, and thank goodness I answered.

Channeling her, I was able to slowly turn the ship of my life in the right direction. It’s a never-ending journey, but the ship is no longer sinking.

I owe everything to her, or, in essence, I owe everything to myself.

There are parts within you that are begging to be unwrapped in your life. Perhaps you feel a sense of embarrassment thinking about being the person you daydream about being.

Please believe me when I share that playing dress up as your muse is not pretending to be someone else. It is, in fact, coming home to yourself.

How Does One Craft Their Muse?

Imagination. Tap into your creative self and daydream like you did as a child. What would make your heart sing, and, most importantly, who must you become to allow the space for your heart to sing the song?

How Does One Learn from Their Muse?

Channeling. Once you have an image of your muse and a name, ask them to work through you. You can do this by asking them questions and journaling the answers, or by simply standing in your closet and connecting with them on what to wear. Walk into your kitchen and ask them what feels good to eat! Soon, you will begin to see that what feels restrictive is a “no” and what feels expansive is a “YES!”

How Does One Become Their Muse? 

Embodiment. This is basically looking at your vision board, Pinterest boards, or list of goals and then pulling the energy from them, absorbing it into your being, and becoming that person, that energy, that feeling right here, right now.

For example, would Elegant Evelyn spend the day in sweatpants even if she is working from home? Absolutely not! Would she eat standing up at the counter? How absurd!! Would she use profanity? How dare you even ask!

Yet in my funk, I absolutely did all of these things!

Let’s take a pause and let this sink in.

The art of embodiment is a deeply personal experience. There’s no one else like you in this world. There never has been, and there never will be. So perhaps working from home in sweatpants is when you do your best work.

Profanity? I have a friend who swears like a sailor and is one of the most successful leaders I know.

The beauty is, when you embrace the parts and qualities within that feel expansive for you, life becomes an adventure. Not everyone resonates with Elegant Evelyn, and that’s a good thing! The results I’ve had embodying her, however, may inspire you to craft your own muse and make your vision board a reality.

Transformation arrives when we choose what works for us. You are the guru of yourself. It’s really that simple.

1. First, take stock of your mindset.

How are you speaking to yourself? How are you speaking to the tender little child within? What would it take for you to radically shift this, and, most importantly, how would that feel?

I realized I had abandoned my little girl. In response, she was begging to be healed and got my attention by taking over my life! Overdrinking, overeating, overreacting, and shaming and guilting me.

It wasn’t until I embodied Elegant Evelyn as this little girl’s mother that things changed. In this role, I practiced loving discipline like, “Darling, let’s have some kombucha for dinner instead of wine. Sweetheart, it’s time for bed. Love, it’s time to wake up and get outside to play. Yes, you have to go to school!”

2. Next, focus on your environment.

I had Evelyn get to work on cleaning up the clutter of laundry and this and that around my apartment. The real Evelyn would never allow laundry to pile high like that, and she certainly would go through her mail in a timelier manner.

Surroundings hold energy and play a huge part in raising your vibration. Cleaning, organizing, and maintaining your living space can be a sacred ritual that creates a foundation of love as you work through emotions and change. When in doubt, always opt for fresh sheets and fresh flowers!

3. Lastly, get clear on the big changes you want to make.

This was the tough part. Intuitively, I knew I needed to cleanse my body of processed foods and alcohol by replacing them with clean water and home-cooked meals of plant-based protein, veggies, and fruits.

It’s difficult, however, when your body is on a rollercoaster of sugar highs and lows. The cravings were unbelievable. So I reached out for support from a friend and decided to do a parasite cleanse! I won’t get into the details, but I will tell you what kept me on track was the thought, “I will not let those little buggers win!”

The cleanse required herbal supplements along with a way of eating I always dreamed of and, of course, no alcohol. The first three days were difficult, but after that, I was on a roll.

Feeling back in sync with clean living can literally change your world for the better in so many ways.

So now I ask you: Who do you want to be in this world? What gifts do you possess that your friends need? What is stopping you from becoming that person? What will it take to emerge from the shadows and into the light?

If you struggle with igniting inspiration from the questions above, that is great! Because you have your divine team waiting with bated breath to assist you!

Ask your muse, your guides, your higher self, spirit, God, or the Divine to work for you and through you. Allow yourself to quiet the noise of addictive patterns in your mind and body, and you may be surprised by the answers you receive. 

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About Meg Daly

Meg Daly teaches about infusing the body, mind, soul, and home with tenderness and care. In doing so, clients easily access their intuitive gifts and begin to evoke a deep sense of self possession. She is an ICF-certified coach and creator of the "Live More Drink Less" 30 Day Reset, as well as the popular podcast "Channeling Elegant Evelyn." Join her private Facebook group "Channeling Elegant Evelyn" or learn more by visiting channelingelegantevelyn.com or on Instagram @channelingelegantevelyn.

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5 Things to Know When an Abusive Parent Dies

“Family is supposed to be our safe haven. Very often, it’s the place where we find the deepest heartache.” ~Iyanla Vanzant

My brother called me at work on a random Tuesday to say that my mother had suddenly died. Powerful emotions of shock and relief ran through my body, like someone rang a gong right next to me. The war was over.

Like most people with an abusive parent, I had previously wondered how I would feel when my mother died. I was not surprised at the relief, nor that I wasn’t sad.

I did not think about what would happen next.

The Funeral

One brother and I flew to Houston to meet my second brother. As happens with death in the South, the neighbors loaded us up with food—bless them. While we were tasked with making plans for the funeral, my mother’s extended family converged upon us.

I should have won an Academy Award for keeping my cool and not exploding on them. I learned to act from the best: My mother was one person in public, another person at home. My mother’s extended family thought she was amazing. I stared stony-faced at the relatives telling hilarious stories and talking about her excellent character.

The hardest part was when the extended family compared me to my mother. Given what I know about her meanness, tantrums, and childishness, it felt like being compared to the schoolyard bully. I just tried to not roll my eyes out loud.

After all the hoopla of the memorial service, everyone went home, and my brothers and I had our own memorial in the living room. We laughed at some of her greatest hits. “Remember when she screamed at the cashier who wouldn’t take her coupon?” “Remember when she said my house was too small and she hadn’t even seen it?”

The Aftermath

When I got back home, people who cared about me kept saying, “I’m sorry for your loss.” I just looked at the ground and mumbled, “Um, thanks.” Now, when I hear about a death, I say, “Oh, wow” and give that person space for their truth.

My father died six years earlier. I knew from personal and professional experience that after a death, reality hits at about the two-month mark, when the numbness wears off. I braced myself to dig into the hard emotions.

The anger and sadness about my mother were like a bomb—everyone in the area felt it. I previously worked through the feelings of unworthiness, knowing the abuse was not my fault (thanks, therapy!). I gained thirty pounds of grief weight. Now I was also furious that grief issues were invading my body.

Family Stuff Goes On (Of Course)

I was still in touch with my extended family, of course. When they wanted to regale me with stories of my mother’s fabulousness, I tried to set the story straight. We would just gridlock.

On my mother’s birthday, the family posted memories about her on Facebook. I then posted a photo of the two of us when I was about seven years old. We were at my dance recital, and my mother had her arms open wide, smiling for the camera, while I clung to her. A friend privately messaged me, “She’s not even touching you.” I messaged back, “Exactly.”

One aunt finally admitted, “Yes, your mother was hard on you.” I was shocked that people knew about the abuse but did nothing about it. The fact that my family left me to rescue myself as a child caused an emotional setback for several months.

To this day, I avoid the topic of my mother with these people.

And Then, Healing

I purged the grief in my journal, with my therapist, through art and sports. As I sifted through the rubble of my emotions, I became grateful for the many women who were mothers to me over the course of my life.

I changed my nutrition. I learned to nurture myself in ways I never got as a child. I became my own mother.

As the smoke cleared from grieving, I unpacked my automatic behaviors from childhood. I started hearing my true Self and made better choices. For example, I found that I have a gentle nature at my core. I couldn’t hear my Self because I was locked in battle with my mother.

Through even more journaling, more therapy, and more time (seven years at this point), I was finally able to release the situation. People use the word “forgiveness.” More accurately, I can see the wholeness of the debacle of my childhood. I found real peace.

Tools To Use

I have seen other people in my practice who’ve feel relief when an abusive parent dies. Like me, they often don’t think about emotions or situations past that point.

Some things to think about:

1. You might get compared, favorably or not, to your abusive parent. People outside of the immediate family rarely say bad things about the deceased.

2. Even though you feel relief, there is still grief, even if it’s “What I should have had…” Boxing up your feelings will make them come out sideways. Grieving is a hard and time-consuming process, but worth it for your healing.

3. Even though your abusive parent has died, they are alive in your head. Every mean thing they said, crazy thing they did—it’s all still there. Do trauma work to reclaim your life.

4. You are more than what you’ve survived. Listen for your true Self. Who are you underneath the abuse from your abusive parent?

5. Family members often push the abused person to forgive WAY too early. This is like sticking a band-aid on a wound. Forgiveness sets you free, but only when you are ready.

From a Distance

I am not sad that my mother has died, and I don’t miss her. She was mentally ill, and I am glad that she is not suffering any longer. I’m also glad that she is not hurting me or my siblings any longer.

Seeing the situation from a distance, I can see my mother for her incredible flaws (I haven’t forgotten), but her strengths as well. She was artistic. She loved animals and senior citizens and tried to help them. She was a feminist before it was cool.

As expected, her death brought a ceasefire, but it also brought much more. It gave me the chance to unshackle myself from this long-running war so that I could walk away, towards my true Self.

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About Tara Alexander

Tara Alexander, Ph.D., ACC, is a licensed mental health therapist and certified life coach. As a speaker and trainer, she helps groups become assertive and tackle conflict. You can get free hands-on tools through her blog and vlog at ConquerConflict.com.

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