How I Changed My Life by Becoming a Thought Snob

“Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world. ~Wayne Dyer

Driving home from another visit to the pediatrician, Mother reiterated how puny I was: “You’re just like Mommy. She was so frail. You get sick easily.” I’d say I was five years old when I wholeheartedly accepted this hogwash as fact. I’m not exaggerating when I tell you I stayed sick for three decades because I truly believed I was prone to illness.

I come from a long line of women who never got what they wanted. They settled, conformed, and were submissive to their male spouses. I recall when I was probably eight and witnessed a heated knock-down drag-out between my parents.

Those fights used to scare me, and I always ended up resenting my father because my mother was no match for him physically or intellectually. As she cleaned up the black mascara that had bled underneath her eyes, she told me something that ended up shaping my relationships with men.

“Paula, if you care about a man, he’ll treat you like dirt beneath his feet.”

And just like that, my perspective of men and where I stood with them was ill-fated. My teenage and adult relationships with men mirrored that belief that I accepted as fact when I was still getting bad perms. The bad perms were evidential proof that my brain wasn’t fully developed, so I was far too young to accept any beliefs as facts.

Let’s flash forward a few years to when my father decided he was too much of a man for one woman. I was eighteen when my parents divorced. Two new women entered and filled our shoes one week after Mother and I left the brick-and-mortar institution we had called home.

My father had taken on a girlfriend who had a daughter. The daughter set up shop in my bedroom and quickly adapted to answering to my nickname, “Little One.” I felt like I had been replaced because I had been. Very brutally and in true narcissistic form.

At eighteen, I wasn’t equipped with the emotional intelligence of Mother Teresa, so I blamed myself for not being lovable, a subconscious belief that controlled my behaviors for the next twelve to thirteen years.

During that time, I went from a size six to sixteen, bought property in Hell on Earth, and dated a drug-addicted criminal with multiple personalities, a mentally ill redneck who self-medicated, and a sex-addicted politician who had five out of the nine defining narcissistic traits. Believing I was unlovable created a string of unlovable experiences.

At thirty, I realized I had experienced more heartache than love, and I was sick of living a life that wasn’t worth living.

A couple of years prior, I was introduced to Dr. Wayne Dyer and was evaluating why my life looked the way it did. One day, I heard Dr. Dyer say something that changed the trajectory of my life: “Loving people live in a loving world. Hostile people live in a hostile world. Same world.”

Holy shit. That’s when I put two and two together and realized I had been a victim of a downbringing, but that didn’t mean I had to stay a victim. Downbringing is a word I created to describe a socialization that taught me how to live in havoc instead of happiness.

You might be wondering, “Well, Paula, what defines a downbringing versus an upbringing?”

A downbringing happens when a young person accepts the subjective opinions (aka lies) of the people who influence them most without questioning or awareness of what is actually true (aka objective). In turn, the subjective beliefs creep into their subconscious minds and control their behaviors before they even realize what has happened. After many years, their mind is like a landfill because they have allowed any thought to live there rent-free.

Using myself to demonstrate what a downbringing does to the mind, here is an overview of my belief systems during the first three decades of my life:

• Women getting abused by men was normal.
• Backstabbing friends and family members was normal.
• Anyone who looked different than me was of lesser importance.
• People are born lucky or unlucky, and no one has control over that.
• I was more susceptible to sickness than others, and there wasn’t anything I could do about that.
• Drinking excessive amounts of alcohol was normal.
• There was one way to make money, so I had to take any job I could find, whether I liked it or not.
• Women aren’t capable of making as much money as men.
• Everyone was better than me.
• It was wrong to want more. Wanting more meant I was a stuck-up snob.
• Jealousy is a healthy response to anyone who looks better or has more.
• Anger is totally acceptable in any situation when someone presents opposing beliefs.
• The amount of money someone has makes them superior, and they earn the right to control people who have fewer material assets.

I can keep going, but I think this list is the perfect Polaroid. Notice that what I stated about wanting more meant I was a stuck-up snob. There was something that was said to me repeatedly when I was still getting bad perms and on up until I was in my thirties.

Whenever I mentioned wanting a better life, I was told I was getting above my raising. If I mentioned admiring someone who was wealthy, highly educated, or beautiful, I was quickly shot down with that statement, usually with a belly laugh from the person who said it.

Have you ever been around someone who always found a way to humiliate the living daylights out of you? I have. I was raised by a man who used humiliation as a disciplinary tool, and he loved to pull that tool out of his pocket and use it strategically, especially when he had an audience.

For many years, I stopped vocalizing my big dreams out of fear that he would embarrass me with a cruel, disempowering lie (aka subjective opinion), but one day, I responded differently to his humiliation tactics. This was a few years into my personal growth evolution, and I had figured out the key to living the best life possible. I wasn’t quite there yet, but I had figured it out and was heading toward a better life at the speed of an Amtrak train.

He was intimidated by that because he could no longer intimidate me. On this day, he told me I was getting above my raising, and I loudly said, “God, I hope so.” His eyes got as big as two cannonballs, and at that moment, I transitioned from a thought slob to a thought snob.

As I write this article, I am forty-seven. I have spent the last twenty years living the opposite of how I was taught to live. And guess what?

I’m not frail at all. As a matter of fact, not only am I in optimal health, but I am also asymptomatic from a rare bladder condition called interstitial cystitis that is supposedly incurable. There’s more.

My husband is the kindest, most supportive person I’ve ever known. I walked away from an employer who wanted to own my soul for a couple of bucks and thrived in my female-owned business. As it turns out, the people I was jealous of ended up being my greatest teachers because it was those people that I admired.

If I continued behaving like a thought slob, accepting everyone’s opinions as absolute truths, something irreversible would have happened. This inner knowing caused me to pivot from my long, fruitful career in fundraising to helping people overcome a downbringing. While I worked to figure out this career change, I reflected on my past, and the core memories that surfaced made me realize two things.

1. Young Paula’s mindset was rooted in self-loathing, and that blocked the better life I wanted.

2. My self-loathing was the outcome of accepting the subjective opinions of others as facts.

“Whoa,” I thought. “How simple yet so complex.”

When I analyzed every aspect of my past existence, one word came to mind: slob. Physically speaking, I didn’t look like the stereotypical definition of a slob because I was very well put together and had excellent personal hygiene; however, I had neglected my brain hygiene for almost thirty years. It was corroded with filthy thoughts that nearly destroyed my life.

“So, if I used to be a slob, what am I now?” As I thought through that, I came to the conclusion that what I had always wanted was better, but instead, I chose self-loathing because of how I viewed the world and my role in it. My newfound awareness led to the creation of two acronyms:

• SLOB – Self-Loathing Overrides Better
• SNOB – See New Objective Beliefs

BAM! There it was—the perfect way to describe my transformation—from Thought Slob to Thought Snob. I had officially gotten above my raising.

Awareness is the foundation of all change. When I started behaving with mindful awareness, I was able to interrupt thoughts that would turn into some crazy, scary story.

Here is an example of how I used my Thought Snob method to reprogram my subconscious mind and train my brain to migrate away from negativity bias and toward thoughts and feelings that lifted me up instead of bringing me down.

Before I met my husband, I had been alone for quite some time, healing from the tormented relationships I had tolerated and endured. During that time, I thought about what I had been taught as a child. Caring about a man is equated to being treated poorly.

My awakening came from asking one question: Is this true? Always? Do all men treat women badly? Are all women punished for loving a man? The answer to all of these questions was a hard “NO!”

I am telling you the moment I started viewing my life objectively (aka, looking at the facts), everything changed. I moved out of the hostile world I had always lived in into a loving world and sold that property I bought in Hell on Earth. I became so snobby with what I allowed my five senses to take in that I let go of 90% of the people, places, and things that had once helped create my identity.

Bye, Felicia.

Start here if your life isn’t how you want it to be. Examine your beliefs about the most important things to you. For demonstrative purposes only, let’s use money. If you’re broke and you desire wealth, what are your beliefs about money?

Let’s say you discovered that you don’t believe you are capable of obtaining wealth because you were taught to believe that money was hard to come by. As you self-reflect, you find yourself feeling resentment toward wealthy people because you grew up in a household where people badmouthed the wealthy.

Now, use SNOB and answer those questions objectively. For example, was it hard to come by when you received money for your birthday? No, it was easy.

Are all wealthy people bad? No, they aren’t. The truth is, there are some wonderful wealthy people, and resentment comes from wanting what they have.

Building self-awareness leads to asking self-reflection questions, and the answers that come reveal the culprit. The culprit is the lies you accepted as truths before your brain was fully developed. Those lies have controlled your behaviors, but here’s the good news.

You’re an infinite choice-maker. At any moment, you can choose peace or hostility. That’s a fact.

Here’s what I want you to do: Start practicing mindful awareness. Examine your whole life through an objective lens. When you see new objective beliefs, your self-loathing will no longer override better.

Examine your life without judgment. You know where your beliefs came from. Show yourself tremendous compassion and move forward mindfully with a desire to change.

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About Paula Swope

Paula Swope is a spiritual coach, podcast host, Deepak Chopra Certified Instructor and author of Thought Snob: The Modern Spiritual Playbook for a Better Life. After years of trauma, abuse, and self-destruction, Paula realized negative thinking patterns were failing her and began a transformation. Her ‘Thought S.N.O.B.’ process teaches how to move from havoc to happiness and create the life you deserve through the amazing power of your thoughts—just as she did. Follow her on Instagram, TikTok or Facebook.

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The Breakthrough That Helped Me Stop Comparing Myself to Others

“Comparison is the thief of joy.” ~Theodore Roosevelt

In March 2020, the UK went into its first Covid lockdown, and the country was swept with anxiety and sadness. When would we see our loved ones again? Would our health be okay? Was my job safe? And more pressingly, how the heck was I expected to teach my kids?

Along with everyone else, I first received the news with a sense of impending doom and tried to make the best of a bizarre situation. “Normal life” consisted of stressful home schooling, online working, mask wearing, and (in the UK at least) stockpiling toilet paper!

We were forced to slow down and retreat because nobody was allowed to socialize or engage in any activity outside of work or home. This was hard at first, but then, after a few weeks, something strange happened. I realized I’d never felt happier.

You see, before lockdown, I might have appeared happy on the outside, but inside, I was an insecure mess. My mind was full of all the things I thought I “should” be doing: planning more exciting weekend plans, engaging in better hobbies, and making a bigger group of friends. Unless I was at the latest summer festival or spending my Wednesday evenings doing yin yoga, I didn’t feel good enough.

After a busy day at work, scrolling through Facebook just gave me another list of things to do. An empty schedule felt like failure, and everyone else’s lives looked so much more exciting.

So I lived for the future, constantly in planning mode and looking over my shoulder for approval. The pressure to keep up and always be doing something was exhausting. It caused rows with my husband (who couldn’t care less what everyone else was up to!), made me ignore my own needs, and reinforced low self-worth.

If I wasn’t thinking about plans, then I was thinking about people. I compared myself to (what I assumed were) other people’s busy social lives and felt obliged to organize group nights out or always have people over for dinner. Even when I wasn’t seeing friends, I was always preoccupied with them. Were they a good friend? Was I? Why hadn’t they replied to that text? Do they even like me?

Just below the surface of all the “planning” and “people” chatter that filled my brain was the ever-present noise of self-criticism.

If you’re not making the most of life every minute, you’re failing.

If you don’t have the perfect gang of besties like everyone else, then there’s something wrong with you.

Your life is boring compared to everyone else’s.

Nobody finds you interesting.

Do more!!

What made it all worse was assuming I was the only one with this nagging need to keep striving and do more just to feel good enough.

I now know that, not only am I not the only one, but this type of thinking is natural.

When I trained as a compassion-focused therapist, I learned all about how social comparison is wired into our brains. This is because having the biggest tribe and highest status gave us protection in Stone Age times.

What gives us a sense of status these days? How big our social media following is, how many likes we get, and how amazing our social feed looks! We can’t help sharing if we’ve done something exciting because that inner caveman is driving us to compete.

The problem is that when we don’t feel like we’re keeping up, our brain will turn on our inner critic because it thinks it’s helping (thanks brain!). It also has a negative bias, which makes us focus on the ways that everyone else seems to be doing better than us. And the false images we see on social media don’t help!

Although this tendency is natural and we cannot help it, we are living in an age of unprecedented information about what everyone else is doing, and it’s putting our innate comparison nature into overdrive! This puts a strain on us all.

For me, this started to change when the country closed down. Since everyone’s social calendar was empty, I no longer had anything to compare myself to. Since there were no longer any events or classes, there was nothing I felt like I “should” be doing.

I spent my evenings and weekends doing what was in front of me because there was no other option. I’d take a local walk, relax in the garden, watch TV, and make it an early night.

Surprisingly, rather than feeling unhappy and bored, like my critic told me I would, I felt relaxed, deeply content, and at peace. No more feeling like I was missing out; no internal should-ing; no self-criticism for being “boring.” The world had gone quiet, and so had my mind.

I also realized how small my social circle needed to be. I know that many people felt crushingly alone and understandably missed those vital connections, but for me, it wasn’t an issue. I had my husband and kids, and, for the most part, that’s all I needed.

Seeing very few people felt incredibly liberating, and it occurred to me that my desire to have a large social circle came from a need for validation. I liked my own company and was an introvert. Who knew?

As life started to open up again, I was determined to hold on to this deep sense of contentment, and I didn’t want the world to have to stop again for me to keep it.

Here are five useful steps I practice regularly that have helped me do that.

1. Practice mindful self-compassion.

As a newly trained therapist and committed mindfulness practitioner, I’ve found that mindful self-compassion is a powerful tool that helps keep comparison and criticism at bay. It’s becoming a widely used method taught by psychologists and spiritual leaders to improve mental well-being and self-acceptance.

So, when I find myself being self-critical and comparing myself to others, I pause and bring a curious attention to my thoughts so that they are less consuming. Something simple like “I am noticing I am having self-critical thoughts” can be enough to recognize it’s just a thought, not a fact.

Next, I tune into how I am feeling in my body so that I can label my emotions and allow any discomfort to be there. There might be a tightness in my chest from turning down an invitation or a heaviness in my stomach from feeling not good enough.

Then, rather than judge how I feel, I remind myself that I cannot help it and that everyone feels like this from time to time. This step is so powerful because it releases the self-judgment cycle that makes us feel worse and opens up space for compassion.

Finally, I ask myself what I need to hear, what would be helpful in this moment, or what I would say to a friend. Inevitably, I am able to tap into a deeper wisdom to remind myself that I am good enough already, that my needs are important, or that we have no idea what other people’s lives are really like.

2. Give myself permission to be boring.

We can be perfectly happy with our relatively chill weekend or evening, but as soon as we scroll through social media and see what other people are up to, we think there’s something wrong with us, and we experience FOMO.

If you’re an active type and love staying busy, then great. But for me, the constant need to be doing something came from social pressure, and quiet evenings in front of the TV were what I craved the most after a busy day at work.

Giving myself permission to be ‘boring’ honors who I am and helps me tune into my needs, which helps me know and like myself more. If the self-critical thoughts creep in, it’s a perfect time to practice self-compassion, and I remind myself that nobody is paying attention anyway.

3. Keep my circle small.

 Many friendships changed for everyone during Covid because we were forced to focus on who mattered. I felt grateful that Covid made me realize that a large social circle was not actually making me happier, and social comparison had been a big driver for that.

Not everyone has or needs a big gang, like my self-critic had told me. So, instead of going back out there and rekindling all my friendships, I made a point of keeping my circle small. I now focus on one to two close friendships and am able to be friendly with others without feeling like I have to be best friends with everyone!

4. Embrace my inner introvert.

It can be easy to think that introverts are quiet, bookish types, and if you met me, you would know that I do not fit that description at all. “Life and soul,” “chatterbox,” and “super-confident” are words that might more accurately describe me. But, as an empath, I have limited social reserves to be around people constantly, and I don’t need to either.

I am perfectly happy in my own company and need lots of time to recharge in between socializing. Such tendencies do not suit a lifestyle with a busy social calendar and wide friendship circle. Acknowledging and accepting my introversion has allowed me to tune into what I need rather than thinking I need to be like everyone else.

5. Work on my self-worth.

Although we are all prone to social comparison, we are much more likely to do it if we lack self-worth. This is because our default “not good enough” belief makes us automatically assume other people are better than us, so to feel good enough, we try to keep up and secure imaginary approval.

But it’s a slippery pole we can never get to the top of because it’s coming from a faulty belief that won’t go away just because we have external conditions. We therefore need to accept that we are already okay as we are, focus on what is important to us, and leave other people to their own lives.

For me, using self-compassion and self-worth meditations, acting as if I was already good enough, and offering myself positive self-worth validations really helped.

—

Learning to let go of destructive social comparisons and having the courage to be myself has been life changing, and I haven’t looked back since. There was so much about the pandemic that was negative, but I am grateful for the changes it helped me make.

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About Rebecca Stambridge

Rebecca is a qualified therapist and mindfulness teacher offering one-on-one and group services online to help people feel more secure and confident in their work and personal life by improving their self-esteem. At the moment, she is particularly interested in helping people whose anxiety impacts on their friendships. You can access her free guide, “Break Free from Overthinking Friendships,” here. Or check out her website to work with her now.

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Shadow Parts: How to Recognize and Release Them

“When we are aware of our weaknesses or negative tendencies, we open the opportunity to work on them.” ~Allan Looks

Last year, I took my then-six-year-old son to a kite festival. He was ecstatic about flying his kites, and we spent a lot of time doing just that!

At one point, his kite string got tangled with another lady’s kite string. Both kites crashed to the ground, and the lady and I started working to untangle the strings.

In his excitement, my little one repeatedly asked if we were done yet and if he could fly his kite again. I reassured him, saying I understood his excitement and that his kite would be ready soon.

However, the lady, visibly annoyed, gave him judgmental looks and eventually told him he was being impatient and needed to stop asking.

Calmly, I explained to her that he was just excited to fly his kite and reminded her that he was only six years old.

This incident made me observe her shadow of impatience. She was essentially impatiently telling a young, excited child to be patient without recognizing her own impatience. This is what we call a shadow.

Recognizing our own shadows can be challenging because they are hidden within us, much like how a computer operates with its set of programs without being aware of them. Our shadows are ingrained from early childhood, making it difficult for us to see them clearly.

Here are some common examples of shadows I’ve witnessed in clients, family, friends, and even myself:

• A parent yelling at their child to stop yelling.
• A parent (or anyone) being impatient with their child’s impatience.
• Someone badmouthing another person while complaining about that person’s meanness, not realizing that badmouthing is unkind.
• Someone desiring more benevolence from others but gossiping behind their backs.
• I often feel unsure if someone wants me in their life or business, but the truth is, I am the one who is indecisive.

Shadows make us judgmental and inhibit our capacity for love, compassion, joy, presence, and understanding. They limit our experience of life. This is why I believe shadow work is crucial for living a joyful and connected life.

So, how can we shine a light on and release our own shadows? Here are a few steps:

1. Bring Awareness: Notice your triggers—when you feel frustrated, impatient, annoyed, or judgmental towards someone else.

2. Acknowledge the Emotion: Allow yourself to feel the emotion fully, without judgment or resistance.

3, Be Curious: Curiosity transcends judgment. Ask yourself: What is it about this person that makes me feel this way?

4. Identify the Shadow: Recognize that the part of yourself you have denied or repressed is being projected onto others. Ask yourself why you are judging them.

5. Observe Honestly: Be radically honest and observe this shadow part of you. Acknowledge it by saying, “I see you.”

6. Understand the Cause: Ask yourself why this shadow is showing up. Often, a younger, wounded part of yourself needs healing and love.

7. Nurture the Wounded Part: Identify who you are protecting—perhaps a little girl who was scolded or punished. Hold this part of yourself with love, acceptance, and compassion.

8. Heal with Love: Send love, patience, and kindness to this part of yourself. Give her what she needed at the time.

9. Apply this Love Now: Extend this love to your current self and observe how it changes your feelings toward the situation or person.

10. Practice Regularly: Repeat these steps until it becomes easier. As you nurture these parts of yourself, they will trust you more, and you will feel more grounded and loving.

By shining a light on our shadows, we can transform judgment into understanding and impatience into patience, and ultimately live a more joyful and connected life.

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About Dorothee Marossero

Dorothee is a conscious, compassionate empowerment coach who is redefining what women were conditioned to believe success, beauty, and life ought to be. Dorothee supports women who are struggling with a harsh inner critic, a sense of misalignment, and lack of clarity in their life, to reconnect to their inner-powers and rediscover self-love, presence, and joy. Download her FREE booklet: "Nurturing Harmony: A Guide To Thriving As A Highly Sensitive Being." here IG: @dorotheemarossero

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How to Move Forward After Loss: The 3 Phases of Healing

“Whatever you’re feeling, it will eventually pass. You won’t feel sad forever. At some point, you will feel happy again. You won’t feel anxious forever. In time, you will feel calm again. You don’t have to fight your feelings or feel guilty for having them. You just have to accept them and be good to yourself while you ride this out. Resisting your emotions and shaming yourself will only cause you more pain, and you don’t deserve that. You deserve your own love, acceptance, and compassion.” ~Lori Deschene

To this day, I still remember that call. I had just come home after an exhausting day at work, put on my sneakers, and went jogging. I left my phone on the table because I just couldn’t handle any more calls from my clients that day.

As I was jogging, I was hit with a feeling that something was wrong. I tried to shake it, but I couldn’t. It was very pervasive, like an instinctive ‘knowing’ that something terrible had happened.

I turned around and rushed home. As I got there, I picked up my phone and saw twenty missed calls from my mother and father. I didn’t even have to call back. I knew what it was.

I grabbed my car keys and started driving to my mother. As I was driving, I called her, but she was so emotional and upset that she could barely talk. My dad picked up the phone and told me to come quickly. “Your brother…” he said. “Your brother is no longer with us.”

At only twenty-eight years of age, two years younger than me, my brother had decided that enough was enough. He’d lived a life filled with severe anxiety and depression, which he tried to mitigate with alcohol and, I suspect, stronger substances.

It wasn’t always that way, of course. He wanted nothing more than to fit in—to find his place in society and live his purpose. Nothing was more important to him than friends and family.

But time after time, society failed him. First, by trying to push him through a “one-size-fits-all” education system that just wasn’t for him. Then, after he was diagnosed with depression, he wanted to get help and heal himself, but the doctors deemed him too happy and healthy to receive psychological care. He was dumped full of medication, which did nothing but worsen his physical and psychological condition.

After years of trying to cope with depression and fighting a healthcare system that’s supposed to be among the best in the world here in Finland, he could no longer take it. He saw no other way out of the constant pain and suffering other than to end it all.

My brother, as I like to remember him, was always outgoing and social. Nothing was more important to him than his friends and family. He was very open about this, and the last thing he would have wanted was to cause any pain or suffering for those closest to him. Or anyone else, for that matter.

But there we were, our parents and me, trying to get a grasp of what had happened and how to deal with it.

How Not to Deal with a Loss

The first couple of days, I was devastated. I couldn’t eat or sleep or do anything other than just lie on my bed and stare at the ceiling. I had daily calls with my parents to make sure they were okay, but they did not know how to deal with it either. They could offer no solace to me, and I couldn’t offer anything to them. I had no idea what to do or how to handle my emotions.

As days went by, I got back to my routines. My boss was very supportive and told me to take as much time off work as I needed. But I told him I was fine and said I had no intentions of taking any sick leave.

That was the only way I could handle it: by working and taking my mind off what had happened. My method of dealing with my emotions was not to deal with them at all. I did everything I could so that I wouldn’t have to think about it: I worked, I partied with my friends, and I distracted myself by doing literally anything other than giving some time and thought to what had happened.

Needless to say, that was not a healthy way to deal with the situation.

Soon enough, I started to notice a total lack of energy. There were days when I couldn’t even get out of bed. I turned off my phone because I was so anxious that I just couldn’t deal with anything and just stayed in bed all day.

If I wasn’t happy at my job before, now things seemed even more depressing. I could not find joy in anything and avoided social contact. I was irritable and had no motivation, even toward things that I previously enjoyed

I thought things would improve with time. Time, they say, is a healer. Not in my case. It felt like things were getting worse by the day. I was checking all the marks of severe depression, and I seriously started to contemplate what would become of my life.

Then one night, when going to bed, I was feeling so sick of it all. I was depressed and anxious, an empty shell of the joyful extrovert that I had previously been. I sighed, closed my eyes, and quietly asked myself, “What’s the meaning of it all? What am I supposed to do? How am I going to get over this?”

To my surprise, I received an answer.

“Help.”

I don’t want to say that it was a divine intervention or anything like that. It was more like suddenly getting in touch with long-forgotten deep wisdom within myself. My purpose. The driving force behind my every action.

Whatever it was, I understood at that moment that it would be my way out. The reason I’m not healing with time is that I’m supposed to help myself by learning how to overcome depression and anxiety and then help others do the same. It became very clear to me.

I also understood the source of my problems. The depression, the anxiety—it was all because of my inability to deal with the emotions related to my brother’s demise. Heavy thoughts and emotions were piling up, thus making my mind and body react negatively.

I vowed that I would find a way to release the thoughts and emotions related to what had happened to my brother. I decided to be happy again. Happiness and good mental health—those would become my guiding principles in life.

The process of finding answers was an arduous but rewarding journey. I contemplated and studied, meditated, and sought advice for months, but eventually I found the emotional blockages that were holding me back and methods to release them in a healthy way.

Now I want to share what helped me with you.

The intention behind sharing my personal experiences is not to diminish or downplay the unique pain that you may be enduring. Loss affects each of us differently, and there is no one-size-fits-all approach. My aim when sharing this story and the following three phases of letting go is to offer solace or insights to each of you navigating your own paths of healing.

1. Allow yourself to grieve.

The first phase, and our first natural reaction to a loss, is grief, and the first mistake I made was not allowing myself to grieve.

Grief, when allowed to be expressed naturally, is a powerful tool for dealing with loss. It is there to help you let go when you can’t otherwise. It allows you to express and process your emotions, including sadness, anger, and confusion, which are common reactions to bereavement.

Elisabeth Kübler-Ross identified five distinct stages of the grieving process:

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

But, as you probably know, the process is highly individual. I never felt the need to deny what had happened. I wasn’t angry about it and wasn’t trying to bargain my way out of it.

Instead, I repressed my grief. I used all the non-beneficial coping methods, such as overeating, drinking, working around the clock, and so on, and that led me to the fourth stage, depression, and got me stuck there for a long time.

Fortunately, grieving is very simple. Just allow it to happen naturally, the way it wants to be expressed.

If you allow yourself to express your grief, it will go away or at least decrease in intensity. My mother was, unknowingly, an expert at this. She said, “I have cried so much that now there are no more tears to be shed.” She had processed the grief and was done with it much quicker than I was.

When you express your grief naturally, without trying to repress it or ignore it, you can eventually move through sadness. But if you have learned to repress your grief and not cry, your grief can grow into depression, as it did in my case.

It can take time to heal and recover from the emotional pain and sadness associated with grief. And even though the situation can seem dark, recovering from loss, depression, and psychosomatic health problems is possible, as my story shows. When I finally allowed myself to grieve, I noticed a significant improvement in my mood. I felt lighter and gained more energy, and suddenly life didn’t seem all that dark anymore.

2. Accept and forgive.

The second phase is accepting what has happened and forgiving those involved, including yourself, to reduce anger and resentment and, ultimately, create a sense of peace.

In essence, forgiveness is a two-fold process:

First, forgive yourself. We tend to blame ourselves, even when there’s nothing we could have done. Odds are, you did everything you could. But especially if you feel like you made mistakes, forgiveness will be crucial for healing. Step in front of a mirror and look yourself in the eyes. Say, “I forgive you.” It will be uncomfortable and hard at first, but it will get easier and easier if you keep working at it.

Second, forgive others. I firmly believe that, deep down inside, the people we have lost never wanted us to suffer. Forgive them, and forgive anyone you might be tempted to blame for their pain. You can do this by telling them in person or by closing your eyes, imagining them in front of you, and saying to them, “I forgive you.”

In the case of my brother, it was easy to see that his actions were not intended to cause distress or grief to others. He acted the way he did because it was the only way he knew how to deal with his pain and depression.

I could have blamed his actions for my depression, but I understood that he was in constant pain and agony and why he saw no other option.

It would have also been easy to blame my parents for what had happened. They had their problems— including divorce and depression—which heavily affected my brother and me. But the thought never crossed my mind. I love my parents, and I’m sure they did everything in their power to raise healthy and happy children.

Forgiving myself was the hardest part. I believed that if only I had visited my brother more, given him more of my time, and just listened to his worries, I could have somehow helped him heal. It took time and deep self-reflection to understand that we cannot change other people’s minds. At best, we can help them change their minds, but we cannot make decisions for them. Each of us walks our own path through life, and our choices are ultimately our own to make.

There’s nothing I could have done that would have made a difference. I’ve accepted that now and forgiven myself and everyone else.

3. Move forward with purpose.

For me, the most crucial part of moving on is finding meaning and purpose in the loss. It can be as simple as reflecting on the positive aspects of the relationship, the lessons learned, or the impact your loved one had on your life.

In my case, I decided to dedicate my life to teaching what I had learned so that no one would have to suffer the same fate as my brother. It was a deep calling that gave meaning to my brother’s life and a purpose to what I had to go through.

It is my way of honoring his memory, and it feels like it finally gave the meaning to my brother’s life that he was always seeking. He never found his place in this world, but now he would help others live a happy life filled with purpose through my telling of his story.

The Beauty of Life Lies in its Ephemeral Nature

One truth about life is that it will eventually end. Consequently, throughout our lives, we are bound to encounter loss.

Even though letting go and moving on after a loss is undoubtedly one of the hardest things to do, it’s what we should do. There’s no point in giving up on life just because we lost someone dear to us. We can grieve for as long as we need to, but eventually, acceptance and forgiveness pave the way for moving forward, reclaiming joy, and honoring the memory of those we have lost.

And please remember: There is always hope, and there are those who wish to help. So dare to ask for support whenever you feel like things are too much for you to handle. You don’t have to go through it alone.

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About Atte Nissinen

Atte Nissinen is the founder of Happiness On Demand, a company realizing his vision of a world where people can live free from depression and anxiety. Atte is also a co-founder of Coach Professionally, a platform that connects people with expert coaches to help them overcome life's challenges. Additionally, Atte is the author of the book 'Happiness on Demand: 3 Simple Steps to Overcome Negative Thoughts and Emotions and Create a Life Filled with Joy. You can find him on Instagram here and Facebook here.

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How One Simple Change Transformed My Life

“It’s the small habits. How you spend your mornings. How you talk to yourself. What you read and what you watch. Who you share your energy with. Who has access to you. That will change your life.” ~Michael Tonge

It was a Tuesday morning like any other. The alarm clock mercilessly blared, abruptly ending my peaceful slumber. Groggy and disoriented, I dragged myself out of bed, my mind already racing with the countless tasks that awaited me.

I wearily stumbled down the stairs, desperately yearning for the comfort of my morning coffee. But as the aroma filled the air, I knew that a storm was brewing within our household.

As always, time was slipping away faster than I could catch it. I hurriedly prepared breakfast, threw lunches together, and rushed to get my kids and myself ready.

Amidst the frenzy, there was always someone in tears, usually one of my children, overwhelmed by the chaos and the sense of urgency. I lamented the lack of time and the never-ending pressure to keep up with the demands of daily life.

Surrounded by the mayhem, a tiny voice within me whispered, “What if there was another way?” Determined to find a solution, I started to explore the possibility of reclaiming mornings for myself before the chaos ensued.

It was a daunting thought, knowing that I would have to sacrifice precious moments of sleep, but I had convinced myself that it was worth a try.

And so, the next morning, my alarm rang a bit earlier than usual. As I stumbled into the kitchen, I brewed a fresh cup of coffee and settled back into the comfort of my bed in an upright position.

Sipping thoughtfully, I allowed myself the luxury of simply being present in the moment. It was in this newfound stillness that I experienced something truly remarkable—a sense of calm and clarity that had eluded me for far too long.

As I sipped on my coffee, I began to reflect on all the things I was grateful for—my loving family, good health, and the opportunities that each new day brought.

This practice of gratitude shifted my focus from the rushed chaos to the abundance of blessings that surrounded me. It reminded me that even amidst the challenges, there were reasons to be grateful and find joy in the simple moments.

Moreover, this intentional time allowed me to set clear intentions for the day ahead. I identified and visualized my goals, both big and small.

By setting my intentions, I found that my actions aligned with my aspirations, propelling me toward personal growth and a greater sense of purpose. This simple act of mindfulness in the morning became a powerful catalyst for positive change in my life.

As the days turned into weeks, I gradually introduced other self-care practices into my morning ritual. I made space for meditation, journaling, stretches, and deep breaths, nourishing my body and mind before diving into the demands of the day.

These small acts of self-care not only set a tone of self-love and respect but also allowed me to approach challenges with resilience and grace.

By prioritizing my well-being in the morning, I found that I not only had more energy and patience to support others throughout the day, but I also felt more prepared and focused.

Taking this time for myself allowed me to tackle tasks with a clear mind and a sense of direction, eliminating the feeling of overwhelm. It helped me feel awake and ready to embrace the day ahead.

Rushing through my mornings without pause was no longer an option. Instead, I established a new habit that filled me with anticipation for the day ahead, creating a sense of excitement to wake up each morning.

This shift in mindset transformed my experience from one of feeling drained and overwhelmed to becoming a source of calm and stability, both for myself and for my family, helping us weather the inevitable storms of daily life together.

Through my journey, I realized that a morning ritual is not merely a checklist of tasks to be completed. It is an opportunity to set the tone for the day, to consciously choose how we show up in the world.

Mornings can often be a battleground of chaos and stress, leaving us feeling overwhelmed and drained before the day has even begun.

For many years, I found myself trapped in this cycle, rushing through my morning routine and sacrificing my own well-being for the sake of everyone else’s. It was only when I discovered the transformative power of a morning ritual that my life took an unexpected turn towards balance, clarity, and personal growth.

By dedicating time for self-reflection and self-care in the morning, we build a solid foundation upon which the rest of our day can flourish.

It is important to recognize that everyone’s morning ritual will be unique, tailored to their individual needs and preferences.

The key lies in finding practices that cultivate balance, clarity, and a sense of purpose. Whether it’s meditation, journaling, exercise, or simply taking a quiet moment to enjoy a cup of coffee, the magic unfolds when we carve out space for ourselves amidst the chaos.

If you’re thinking about starting a morning ritual, here are some tips to help you get started.

Begin by setting your alarm just a few minutes earlier each day, and use this time to do activities that bring you joy and peace. You can expand your routine gradually as you find what works for you.

Creating a sacred space in your home can help you escape from distractions and noise. Designate a quiet corner and fill it with items that inspire and uplift you, making it a perfect environment for self-reflection and relaxation.

Incorporating mindfulness practices like meditation, gratitude journaling, or deep breathing exercises into your morning routine can help foster a sense of calm and set a positive tone for the day. It can be as simple as sitting quietly with your thoughts for a few minutes.

Make self-care a priority by engaging in activities that nourish your body and mind, such as stretching, yoga, or enjoying a nutritious breakfast. Starting your day with self-care can set the stage for a day filled with vitality and positivity.

Finally, finding support in your journey can be incredibly helpful. Consider partnering up with an accountability partner or joining a morning ritual group to stay motivated and inspired. Sharing experiences and insights with like-minded individuals can enhance the transformative power of your morning practice.

The power of a morning ritual lies in its ability to transform our lives from the inside out. By carving out time for self-care and reflection, we set the stage for a day brimming with balance, clarity, and personal growth.

My journey toward reclaiming my mornings taught me invaluable lessons about the importance of prioritizing self-care, cultivating mindfulness, and honoring my own well-being.

As you embark on your own morning ritual, remember that it is a fluid and evolving process. Be patient with yourself as you experiment with different activities and observe what resonates with your soul.

Embrace the calm and the stillness, and allow the transformative power of a morning ritual to guide you toward a life filled with purpose, clarity, and joy.

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About Cylina Miller

Cylina Miller, a seasoned mentor, empowers aspiring female entrepreneurs through her renowned program, Empowered Business Alignment. She leads individuals on a transformative path of self-discovery, leveraging their intuition to gain clarity on their goals and deeply connect with their businesses for optimized growth. By assisting entrepreneurs in pinpointing their ideal community, she facilitates the creation of targeted marketing strategies that resonate with their audience, ultimately leading to greater success through business alignment. You can learn more about her coaching here and take her alignment quiz here.

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5 Lessons Pain Taught Me About Love

“If there is love in your heart, it will guide you through your life. Love has its own intelligence.” ~Sadhguru

Love was something I craved for most of my life. I dreamed that one day, a person would come into my life, preferably a man, who would love me and save me from my painful suffering filled with emptiness and desperation.

Even when I was single, which I was quite often and for prolonged periods, I would fantasize about a perfect relationship with someone who’d understand and accept me even in my worst moments. I wanted a partner and a best friend.

When mister BIG wasn’t coming, I turned to my parents. I wished for a loving mom and dad—parents who would heal themselves and give me all that I felt I’d missed out on.

This led to unmet expectations and a series of disappointments and relationships in my life that were borderline abusive and unhealthy.

It all resurfaced and pushed me to my limits when I met another man. It was one of those situations where I knew it wouldn’t work out but proceeded anyway. He ended up returning to his previous relationship, and we remained friends. Or rather, I pretended to be a friend while secretly hoping things would change one day and we would live happily ever after.

After a year and a half of deliberately staying in this dynamic, feeling depleted and deeply depressed, our paths split, and I began healing myself. This time, for real.

I think that many of us hold the idea that love is beautiful. And although it is one of the most empowering emotions, love is also an emotion that brings pain. When we care about someone and they are struggling or hurting themselves, we feel pain. When we lose people we love, we feel pain. A willingness to love is a willingness to hurt.

But what if we are hurting because we don’t believe we are worthy of love? What if we are looking at love from a limited perspective?

It’s been a couple of years since I promised to change the relationship I had with myself. Seeing what the desperation to be loved made me do, I got quite scared.

Throughout this time, I went through different stages of growth while addressing and looking at every relationship I’ve had, from my childhood through my marriage and divorce to the last encounter with a romantic relationship. Here are five lessons I learned about love.

1. Love can only exist within. 

A while back, I watched a video with a yogi named Sadhguru.

In the video, he asked, “Where do you feel pain or pleasure, love or hate, agony or ecstasy?”

The answer: only within.

Our emotions can’t be felt or created outside of our inner experience.

Growing up, I believed I could only feel and receive love from external sources. It didn’t occur to me that I could awaken this feeling without an outside presence since it is something I can only feel and create within.

This helped me realize that the love I was seeking had been with me all along, and there must have been a way to access it.

I decided to focus on my thoughts and overall perception of myself while questioning every belief that told me I wasn’t worthy of love. Then, I would dissect these beliefs while intentionally looking for evidence that they weren’t true.

I focused on pleasurable things and people who I loved and adored. I could see that any time I focused on the sweetness and kindness of my environment, my emotional state became pleasant.

2. Love is always available. 

Love is always available, and you can feel it if you choose to.

Since I know this is a bold statement, try out this experiment.

Close your eyes and bring to your awareness someone you love dearly. Maybe it is your child, a puppy, or someone else. You can see something they do that you absolutely love and cherish or simply think of their presence. Focus all your attention on this vision, fully immerse yourself, and stay with it for at least three to five minutes.

Then open your eyes and check with yourself how you feel. Do you feel that the sweetness of your emotions has increased?

And all you did was close your eyes and work with your imagination. I am not suggesting you should go live on an abandoned island all by yourself. But as you can see, love is within you, and you can access it through simple exercises like this one.

3. Love doesn’t guarantee happiness. 

At the beginning of my recovery, I had to face a question: “What do I expect to gain from others offering me their love?”

I realized that I never went into any relationship with the idea of giving but, rather, taking. I wasn’t thinking to myself, “Well, I am overflowing with goodness and joy, and I want to share it with someone.”

Instead, I was looking to fulfill a need. Whether it was in a relationship with my parents or different men in my life, I was looking for a payoff.

When it didn’t come, my starving soul would throw a tantrum. Since I didn’t have a healthy relationship with myself, I naturally attracted relationships that reflected that.

Often, we go into relationships looking for something. Whatever our intention is, we unconsciously hope to receive love to make us feel better and happier.

Initially, we may feel ‘it’ as the dopamine of a new relationship floods our nervous system. But eventually, as the excitement from the newness subsides, we are back to our old challenges, with the persistent longing for something more while missing the fact that it only and always exists within all of us.

4. Self-love doesn’t always feel good at first.  

When we say the word love, it has a soft and pleasant connotation. Therefore, when we look at the fact that, let’s say, setting boundaries is an act of self-love, it doesn’t quite fit our ideology because it can evoke discomfort.

This one was hard for me to accept. I thought that loving myself should always feel good. So, when I did positive things for myself and felt the fear of rejection or worried that others wouldn’t understand or accept me, something that the unhealed part of me struggled with, I felt uncomfortable and scared.

Eventually, I learned that love goes way deeper, beyond immediate pleasure or comfort.

Sometimes self-love means setting boundaries, standing up for yourself, looking at your toxic traits, speaking your truth, saying no, loving some people from a distance, or putting yourself first.

It’s about respecting yourself enough to honor your needs and well-being, even if it means someone else is displeased.

5. Loneliness results from disconnection. 

When I was married, I felt lonely. Then I got divorced, and the loneliness was gone. Eventually, I got into another relationship and felt lonely again. After I broke it off, loneliness disappeared again.

This dynamic got me curious.

Typically, we expect to feel lonely when we are alone. But I realized that loneliness isn’t about other people’s presence but rather the connection we have with ourselves.

Since I was staying in abusive and toxic situations, I knew I was betraying myself. But because I ignored it and denied it, I was naturally disconnected from who I was and what I was worth. And that brought painful feelings of loneliness.

On the other hand, when I stood up for myself and left the situation that was hurting me, my higher self understood that I was taking a healthy step and led me back to myself. This is when loneliness started to dissipate.

At the time of this writing, I am choosing to be single. I feel that for the first time, I am truly taking care of myself and honoring my worth and value—things that were so foreign to me all my life.

I see this as a time of deep recovery and healing while peeling away every layer of past conditioning and trauma. Seeing that love is always available to all of us, I am beginning to understand that who I am, where I am, and what I do are and always were enough.

—

Although approaching emotional pain will always be a challenge for me, I am beginning to see that my pain was never meant to make me suffer. Instead, it showed me the love I was capable of feeling and taught me how I can use it to heal myself.

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About Silvia Turonova

Silvia Turonova is a women’s mindset coach who leads women toward emotional healing while empowering them to live a life of wholeness, balance, and inner resilience. She loves writing and serving women through her blog. You can find out more about working with her and her 1-on-1 coaching program COACH Intensive here or get her free self-coaching worksheet here.

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How I Healed from Addiction One New Belief at a Time

“Recovery is all about using our power to change our beliefs that are based on faulty data.” ~Kevin McCormick

I struggled with what I would consider a disconnect with myself from a very young age. I was born a free spirit, curious and interested in so many things. I was also very shy and sensitive. I was not the type to be put in a box or expected to conform to the norm. That just wasn’t me. I needed to be accepted and supported for who I was.

Instead, my well-meaning parents attempted to “domesticate” me, especially my father. I experienced severe mental abuse by him and was told repeatedly that I was no good, that I would never amount to anything, and that I was stupid, as well as many other negative statements. Due to his behavior, I rebelled in every way.

Unfortunately, I believed everything he said to me, and I struggled for many years with feeling that I was not good enough and not worthy of anything good. I honestly thought something was wrong with me. I tried to be and do what was expected, but it was not who I was. Quite frankly, I did not know who I was.

At age fifteen, I discovered drugs and alcohol. Using substances helped me get out of myself, my pain, and numb all my feelings and check out. I had created beliefs about myself that simply were not true, and I continued to live from the faulty belief that I was not good enough.

Well, that didn’t work out well for me, as you can imagine. It seemed to be a great solution at first, or so I thought because I didn’t have to feel, but things continued to spiral out of control.

I chose men that didn’t always treat me well, and I didn’t excel to my potential because I did not believe I deserved anything good or that I was good enough or smart enough to do anything great with my life.

I had to work very hard to overcome my addiction and then heal my life as well. It took a lot of work with therapy and life coaching to help me heal and accept myself for who I am. I had to work on getting to know my “real” self and to learn how to like and then love myself, which meant working on changing beliefs that were stored in my subconscious mind without my realizing it.

Someone once asked me why I was abusing drugs and alcohol, and I told him that I didn’t like who I thought I was, which was true, but my thoughts and beliefs about myself were not true.

As I progressed in the work I did on myself and through my studies, I learned that my thoughts and beliefs were not set in stone, and they were most likely someone else’s beliefs, things I’d heard as a child and identified as my own. When I realized that I could decide for myself what thoughts I wished to think and, therefore, what beliefs I chose to live by—that I could make my own rules—well, that was an eye-opener and a game changer.

I stopped using drugs, alcohol, and cigarettes. I went back to school to expand my knowledge, to obtain a degree to become a drug and alcohol counselor, and to focus on understanding the root causes of addiction. The drugs and alcohol were simply a way to avoid getting to the deeper issues and healing my whole self.

Today, I can honestly say that I have a healthy relationship with myself. Was this an easy journey for me? No, it took work and perseverance. I worked with a counselor who was in recovery, I attended AA meetings, and I worked through the twelve steps of the program, which I continue to use today. I then discovered life coaching and hired a coach, which was how I learned to examine and identify my beliefs about myself.

At first, I was afraid to look at myself and my life. I was afraid I would not like what I found inside. But once I began to see things unfold and learned that my thoughts and feelings stemmed from my faulty belief system, which I developed at a very young age, it helped me put things into perspective.

I began to enjoy the journey of learning who I am and have continued to learn and grow every day. I became curious and began to identify and create my own belief system. I learned to pay attention to what I was thinking and feeling.

Today, I have tools that support me on my journey, such as gratitude, focusing on my goals, identifying fear-based thoughts, understanding my triggers, connecting with my higher self, practicing self-love and self-care, journaling, and living in the present moment. I’ve learned to appreciate each day and have the utmost gratitude for all that I’ve been through because my life experiences have brought me to where I am today.

I continue to study every day, as there are still so many things to learn. After all, we are all here on this earth to learn, experience life, and grow.

If you too are battling with addiction, practice self-awareness around your struggles so you can get to the root of your issues. I like the quote, “Life is happening for us, not to us.”

When you can look at a situation objectively and with curiosity, you are much more equipped to make good, healthy decisions instead of harshly judging yourself. This is how we heal—by empathizing with ourselves and all we’ve been through and supporting ourselves every step of the way.

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About Elaine Morgan

Elaine Morgan is a certified holistic life coach and an EME (Emotions, Mind, and Energy) practitioner. She has a bachelor’s degree in psychology, a master’s degree in behavioral health, and over twenty years’ experience working as a counselor and coach. She loves helping people heal their perception of themselves and learn to live their best lives. If you would like support in discovering what you want out of life and how to get there, please contact her at emorgan.bethechange@gmail.com.

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What Unconditional Self-Love Looks Like

“Love is the great miracle cure. Loving ourselves works miracles in our lives.” ~Louise L. Hay

When I first began painting my art over twenty years ago, it was not my intention to paint about self-love. In fact, at that time, I had no idea what self-love was. I was just painting as a form of therapy.

A few years prior, I thought that I did know what self-love was, but then, when I lost my health to a chronic illness and could no longer do the things I once had been able to do, I lost my ability to love myself. I also fell into a deep depression, so I decided to create art as a way to lift my spirits.

In order to create uplifting art, I first had to look at my life and see where my spirit needed lifting. That meant that I had to look at my pain and identify its origins.

Sometimes it’s not the actual problems in life that cause us to suffer the most but the way we look at them. When we change our perspective, some of the suffering can diminish. So, I would look at one problem in my life at a time, and then I would search my spiritual studies for advice, and that advice is what I would paint.

I continued with this process for about nine years, and then one day I made a discovery that would change my life forever.

I was drawing the image of a woman with words of encouragement all around her, and then I suddenly realized that these words were messages of self-love. And then I realized that all of my paintings were messages of self-love. But how could this be? I thought that I didn’t know what self-love was.

I couldn’t see before that my art was about self-love because I was so focused on creating one painting at a time. But now I could see that each painting was a reflection of my journey in search of self-love.

Even more amazing was that I could see that my creative process was teaching me how to love myself, and it did this by giving me a setting and the reason to:

• Slow down

• Look inward

• Ask myself questions and listen for answers

• Seek new solutions

• Be kind and patient with myself

• Value my opinion

• Trust in my instincts

• Embrace my sensitivity

• Forgive my mistakes

• Quiet my inner critic

• Give myself a voice and allow myself to speak

Now that I could understand what self-love was, at least within the boundaries of creating my art, I felt motivated to examine self-love further in order to incorporate it into all areas of my life.

As I explored my thoughts about self-love and with the influence of Wayne Dyer’s book entitled Sacred Self, I came to the conclusion that there are two kinds of self-love.

There is ego-based self-love and there is spirit-based self-love. The former cares about what the ego cares about—appearances, power, and survival. The latter cares about what the spirit cares about—healing, wholeness, and love.

Early on, when I lost my ability to love myself, I could feel how conditional my self-love was. And now I can see that the reason for that was because my self-love was ego-based. But now I was ready for unconditional self-love, which is a love that never abandons us.

Before I lost my self-love due to illness, life was going great. But when I got sick and lost everything (except my wonderful now-husband), my ego judged me as a failure and worthless because its love was conditional. My life had to look a certain way before my ego would allow me to love myself. And then, when my ego became displeased, it activated the voice of my inner critic.

From the wreckage of my life, even my ego eventually gave up on me, and in its silence, the gentle voice of my spirit could finally be heard. It guided me to paint art as a form of therapy. And within the quiet space of creating art, it became a spiritual experience that drew me closer to my spirit’s voice.

Before I found true self-love (spirit-based self-love), I thought self-love was about pampering ourselves, for example, by buying a new outfit, getting a manicure, or going on vacation in order to feel happy. Pampering is not a bad thing if we can afford it, but it does become self-sabotage if we can’t.

Pampering is more about distracting ourselves from our problems rather than looking at them and dealing with them.

Real self-love is not about anything you can buy; therefore, it is available to everyone. Real self-love is about healing, helping, supporting, and empowering ourselves. It’s about examining what we believe about life and ourselves, and then challenging those beliefs to see if they are truly beneficial to our health and happiness. 

The goal of unconditional self-love is to live our best life with a sense of wholeness, health, peace, and empowerment. Empowerment enables us to change our lives for the better and to make the world a better place.

Before I found self-love, I used to be a lot more critical with myself. For example, I hated how sensitive I was because my sensitivity caused me to experience depression, anxiety, and panic attacks. This sensitive nature made me feel stupid, worthless, and weak.

But when I began to love myself, I began to look at the positive side of my sensitivity—that it gave me the ability to understand things on a deeper level and to create meaningful art that touches the hearts of others.

Another area where self-love improved in my life was that it influenced me to make better relationship choices. My first marriage was emotionally abusive, and I stayed in it because I felt addicted to the relationship and I felt that, on some level, I didn’t deserve real love. But as my self-worth grew from reading self-help books, I was eventually able to leave and find a wonderful love with my husband, Jody.

For me, my biggest obstacle to self-love was just not knowing what self-love was. Now that I know what it is, I can realign myself with unconditional self-love just by catching myself when I start to treat myself unfairly and reminding myself that I deserve my own love and support. 

Here are some of the key points that I have discovered about self-love:

Self-love is about the relationship that we have with ourselves. It’s about speaking to ourselves, treating ourselves, and seeing ourselves with kindness, forgiveness, fairness, encouragement, patience, and helpfulness.

Self-love is about paying attention to what we need in all areas of our lives instead of ignoring, avoiding, or neglecting those needs.

Self-love is a gradual and growing process that deepens and matures over our lifetime. It’s normal to get distracted away from self-love. It’s natural to go back and forth, forgetting and then remembering to love ourselves. But as we continue to practice self-love through the years, those lapses of self-love become shorter in duration and farther apart.

Self-love is not about standing in front of ourselves as a judge who shames and condemns us. True self-love is about walking beside ourselves in harmony and, as a true friend, supporting ourselves along life’s entire journey.

Artwork by the author, Rita Loyd. Check out her Unconditional Self-Love Message Card Deck here.

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About Rita Loyd

Rita Loyd is a watercolor artist and writer. Her work is about nurturing unconditional self-love. Her art has appeared on over 100 magazine covers including Science of Mind. For more healing art and tools that will help you nurture unconditional self-love, visit NurturingArt.com. She also has an interview series here called The Power of Healing Art: Interviews with my Favorite Artist.

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