How to Honor Our Grief While Rebuilding Our Lives

“Grief is not something that ever goes away. You just learn to accommodate it so you can move forward in your life and over time it gets less intense, at least most of the time.” ~David Baxter

Grief is a natural response to loss. Loss can mean the death of a loved one, the end of a relationship, the loss of a job or home, or a response to trauma, abuse, or betrayal. Grief shows itself differently in different people. But the common denominator is that grief goes deep, and grieving is painful.

Around six years ago, my life was turned upside down and would never be the same again.

I was raised in a cult from the age of nine. I was a child of domestic violence and divorce. My father abandoned the family, and we subsequently suffered abuse from my mother’s partners.

By age seventeen, I met a young man, and we began dating. In line with the strict moral code I was raised with, we were married by the time I was nineteen.

We had two children, and I struggled to be the perfect wife, mother, and cult member, as I suffered from severe anxiety, coupled with feelings of self-loathing and mistrust of others.

My husband was selfish and narcissistic, which led to me carrying the weight of the family almost alone. Yet, I battled on, wanting my children to grow up with both parents, feeling safe and in a strong, supportive community.

Eventually, things came to a head, and I just couldn’t do it anymore. After twenty years of marriage, I separated from my husband and was subsequently excommunicated by the cult. This meant that I was completely cut off from my mother, my community, and childhood friends—basically everything and everyone I knew and loved.

Outside of the cult, I had no one and nothing.

Almost overnight, I had lost my whole identity and support network along with beliefs that I had held on to for the whole of my life.

A few months after the excommunication, a close family member who was only twenty-seven took his own life. I was devastated and still reeling from the other losses that were still so raw.

Despite all of this, I was determined to rebuild a life for myself and my children. I educated myself, got a better job, made new friends, had relationships, and eventually met a good man who would go on to support and love me with all my struggles.

I was all about ‘moving on’ and building the life I wanted! But every now and then, I would get so very sad.

I was receiving counseling specific to my situation, which was helping, I had a good life, and those things that hurt me were in the past. I was doing all the ‘right’ things, so why was I getting so sad to the point that I wanted to push everything and everyone away and be alone?

I would feel like I had accomplished nothing and would be plagued with guilt and shame and regret. It would make me feel vulnerable and unsafe, and I couldn’t understand why.

Then, after another tearful and anxious weekend, I decided to try to focus on myself, meditate, journal, and do some yoga—all the things that usually helped at least ease the symptoms.

It was during my meditation session that it occurred to me: I am still grieving. I am grieving the loss of a childhood, the loss of my community, of my beliefs, of my family and friends. I am grieving the loss of my parents and of my beautiful nephew. I am grieving what I imagined my life would be and what I imagined my children’s lives would be.

I realized that grief doesn’t have a time limit; it doesn’t get ‘done.’ It’s not something we get through and tick off at the end.

My grief wasn’t just going to go away over time or with lots of positive thinking.

When we suffer loss, it hits us throughout our lives. And that’s okay. It’s uncomfortable and it’s sad, but it’s okay. It’s sometimes so painful that it is overwhelming or debilitating. We can allow ourselves to feel that sadness. We can grieve. We can allow ourselves a little space to honor that loss.

I write this because so many of us have suffered loss in our lives, and we so want to move on, do better, be better, and heal, and we can. But we also have to remember that the loss we felt was real, that grief is not a linear process, and that it’s okay if years later, we are still sad and grieving the loss. We have not gone back to the beginning. We’re not starting again or getting nowhere.

We cannot force ourselves to ‘get over it.’ We can, however, make room for that grief and still live a rewarding life. By honoring our grief, we can allow place for the loss but see that we can have a future and continue to work toward that.

I know I will never ‘get over’ the effects that abuse, abandonment, betrayal, and loss have had on me. I know I will always miss and feel sad about the loss of my nephew. I know I will always return to the grief because those things cannot be erased from my memory and because those things were my life and mattered to me.

But I can allow myself to grieve those losses without guilt or shame. I can soothe myself and take care of myself during those times when I am feeling fragile instead of beating myself up and berating myself for feeling that way and for not ‘being strong.’

When I do this, I come back feeling comforted and validated, and I can move on for a while to crafting the life I want to live. I can appreciate the friendships and relationships I have formed. I can explore new beliefs. I can entertain hope.

When I honor my grief, I honor the people I have loved and lost; I honor the beliefs I held and the hopes I had; I honor my hurt; and I honor that they were part of me and my journey and, in some ways, always will be. But I also allow myself to accept that I can honor my grief and still have a good life. I can rebuild. I can be happy.

See more posts

About Suzie Headley

Suzie Headley is a SEND Lecturer working with young people with a range of additional needs. She believes that each day of life is a gift and aims to live with mindful appreciation. She recently qualified as a yoga teacher and works alongside a charity making yoga accessible to SEND children and young people. Suzie loves the simple life and believes that it’s the little things that make life beautiful and fulfilling. 

More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/CNmZHou

Easily Annoyed by Your Partner? A Relationship-Saving Approach

“You are not your feelings. You just experience them. Anger, sadness, hate, depression, fear. This is the rain you walk in. But you don’t become the rain. You know the rain will pass. You walk on. And you remember the soft glow of the sun that will come again.” ~Matt Haig

Being a relationship-oriented person all my life, I’ve found it fascinating and frustrating how easy it is to feel annoyed with one’s spouse—the person we are supposed to feel most happy to be around.

I used to feel quite annoyed with my husband on a nearly daily basis. But with a bit of effort, annoyance has now become only an occasional companion who I feel pretty much at peace with.

But boy, it was no fun back in the day. Little things that probably wouldn’t bother others really rubbed me the wrong way: How he hums sometimes when he chews. The slightest aggravation in his tone when speaking to our sons. The way he’d ask me to move when he was putting the dishes away and I was chopping veggies for dinner.

When I learned I was a highly sensitive person (HSP)—one of the 25% of people who have a genetic trait that leads to processing all stimuli, including emotions, more deeply than others—it put things in perspective. And it helped me begin learning how to go from feeling overwhelmed by annoyance to it being a very occasional and mostly mellow experience.

HSPs have a stronger tendency to feel easily annoyed or irritated by our significant others, as our systems are sensitive, and we tend to notice every little thing about others—so even small imperfections can loom large and get irritatingly under our skin.

But you don’t have to be highly sensitive to feel frequently annoyed in your intimate relationship! I know plenty of non-HSPs who are also often accompanied by that old annoyance monster.

Whether you are an HSP or not (here are some positive clues that you may be!), annoyance and irritation are much more likely to crop up when you are already in a state of stress or overstimulation, which happens more quickly for HSPs than it does for others.

The frantic pace of the holiday season a few years back brought this into sharp focus. And it wasn’t just me. Many friends and fellow HSPs around me expressed sentiments like “I’m so irritated lately,” “My husband is so annoying,” “He’s just driving me crazy,” and “I’m worried that I’m annoyed with my partner so often.”

Several women even confessed that their annoyance had led them to question the foundation of their relationships, fearing that something was fundamentally wrong and that perhaps it meant they shouldn’t be with their spouse anymore.

I heard this more often from the HSPs I know. This is because HSPs tend to be highly aware and conscientious, and so we recognize this tendency to be more irritable than others, and we worry about its impact on our relationships and ourselves.

Although I never personally feel that worry anymore, I remember it well, and I wouldn’t wish it on anyone. I had started to feel a resurgence of that annoyance toward my dear hubby during those holiday weeks. So I know how uncomfortable these feelings can be, and how hard they can be on our partner as well.

Because when we feel annoyed, we act—dare I say it—annoying, or at least difficult. And that can be hard for everyone—kids, our partner, and others—to be around.

So, let’s delve deeper into why we can be prone to annoyance in our intimate relationships, why HSPs are particularly susceptible to strong feelings of irritation, and how I successfully stopped letting these feelings damage my marriage—and how you can stop feeling so bad about your annoyed feelings and allowing them to be a problem in your relationship.

Why Do We Get Easily Annoyed by Minor Issues?

The human brain is more focused on things that go wrong (about two-thirds of the time) or things that are lacking than those that are going well (about one-third of the time). This is called the negativity bias of the brain, and it’s a survival thing: If it’s really zoned in on what’s wrong or missing, its primal logic goes, it will keep us alive longer! So it judges things as bad or wrong at the drop of a hat, always keeping a vigilant lookout for all that is not right. In more truly threatening situations, this tendency gives rise to such emotions as fear and anger.

But in times of less actual threat, such as a hectic holiday season with loved ones, the emotions this part of our brain generates are less intense. Say hello to annoyance, aggravation, and irritation!

Pair that with all the time we spend living and navigating choices and chores with one particular person who may do things differently than we would—our intimate partner—and we are bound to have lots of opportunities for annoyance to crop up regularly.

And since HSPs experience all stimuli with greater intensity, for us, even the most subtle or minor irritants, which might not faze others, can become quite aggravating.

That holiday season I mentioned was particularly hectic for me. Juggling three kids’ needs, running my own business, and managing a large extended family, I anticipated that these few weeks would test my patience. Therefore, when I found myself persistently irritated, it wasn’t unexpected.

When I began to get aggravated by every small thing my husband did (such as retelling the same story over and over) or didn’t do (like failing—again!—to light the wood stove first thing in the morning as I’d requested regularly), I didn’t let myself spiral into despair about my marriage.

Instead, here’s what I did to gracefully get myself through those days of annoyance.

How to Handle Your Annoyance with Your Partner

1. Own your feelings as your own.

The first thing I did was to remind myself that my frustration wasn’t a result of my husband’s actions. I realized that he hadn’t changed or become any more bothersome than usual. He was just doing things as he usually does them. My feelings were entirely about what was happening within me.

2. Acknowledge what your feelings feel like in your body.

Next, instead of simply being in those feelings, I examined them, like a scientist might examine a cell through a microscope—with real curiosity—specifically, about what they felt like in my body. I noticed the heat they created, especially in my arms, and the almost prickly sensation in my head and chest.

As I stayed with these sensations, I noticed they were not comfortable, but not really so bad, either. And that the feelings seemed to fade as I simply acknowledged and sat with them like a good friend. I learned that this was a great way to ease my annoyance and stop letting it erupt out of me at my husband.

3. Delve into what is fueling these emotions.

With continued curiosity, I examined what could be driving these feelings, again, knowing it had everything to do with me.

I recognized that physical factors were contributing to my irritation: fluctuating hormones, stress, the endless gray skies, and the long, dark nights—all contributing to a sense of cabin fever.

I also noticed that I was fixating on what was wrong, slipping into a critical mindset, rather than acknowledging what was going well. My thoughts were very fixated on the ways my husband wasn’t being who I wanted him to be or doing what I wanted him to do. They were quite engaged in a big old game of judge, judge, judge (hello, negativity bias)!

Seeing this freed me up to deliberately shift my focus to the positive aspects of my partner and our current situation—of which there were plenty. This change in perspective helped ease my irritation a bit.

4. Notice the stories your mind is weaving about what these feelings mean—and disbelieve them.

Most of us, especially HSPs, take our thoughts about our feelings really seriously. As in, “If I feel irritated, something must be wrong with my husband, or with me, or with US!”

How do you feel when you think like that? Likely worried. And pretty upset. I know I did when I used to buy into that kind of thinking.

Although I no longer believed my thoughts about what this upsurge of annoyance “meant,” they still came up, such as:

Could something be wrong with me and my ability to love? Does this annoyance mean I’ll never feel good with my husband again? Does it mean he’s an annoying person and I made a mistake marrying him?

I knew those thoughts were normal, and I didn’t give them much stock. Truly, thinking such anxious thoughts and analyzing their implications through a fear-based lens is typical for the human mind—like a habit (especially, once again, for the sensitive human mind). It doesn’t mean they have any truth.

I realized more than ever that these emotions, rather than being an indication of a problem in our relationship, were signaling that something was off for ME, about ME. In and of themselves, they mean nothing about my husband’s character, whether I love him or not, or how compatible we are.

So, when any “meaning making” thoughts came up about my annoyance toward him, I’d just let them drift on by like passing clouds. I reminded myself I am human, and humans feel annoyed around other humans sometimes, no matter who the other person is. And it’s just no biggy.

The ironic thing about this was, as the annoyance stopped feeling like a threat and I felt less stress around it, it actually stopped rearing its head so much.

5. Look at what you’re doing to annoy yourself.

My biggest realization was that I was the one annoying myself. Because I had not been supporting myself well during the chaos of the season.

For highly sensitive people, a lifestyle full of genuine self-care and quiet moments is essential. Without it, we easily become overstimulated, which naturally leads to irritability. Actually, anyone who is overstimulated or stressed is easily irritated—and in our modern world, most of us are chronically stressed.

By neglecting to schedule adequate downtime, skipping my walks, staying up later and later each night, and cramming every available minute with work to finish everything before my vacation, I had been putting myself in a chronically over-aroused state and therefore annoying myself.

Often, the amount of annoyance we feel is in direct proportion to the amount of nervous system-regulating self-care that we practice. In other words, if you feel annoyed, try adding some self-care—specifically things that regulate your nervous system.

So I did just that when I could make time for it during the holiday bustle. Once the festivities ended, I dedicated even more time to quiet and relaxation and got back to a much more peaceful place inside myself.

The result of doing these five things?

My annoyance was completely replaced by natural and strong feelings of affection and appreciation for my husband. I started feeling so much love for him and being more loving, so he, too, became more loving, and our time together became fun once again.

That’s because it’s easy to love and enjoy someone who is so obviously loving and enjoying you.

You can follow the same approach I did to alleviate the annoyance you might be experiencing.

We all want to feel relaxed and content, truly enjoying the company of our chosen partner—and to feel that love reciprocated! Sometimes, it requires a bit more intentional effort to achieve this. It’s simply part of being a person, highly sensitive or not, navigating a hectic modern world.

See more posts

About Hannah Brooks

Hannah Brooks is a love and marriage coach for sensitive women. She helps them create the supportive, loving, light and connected relationship they really want. Don’t miss her podcast, Highly Sensitive, Happily Married. For further tips and guidance grab her free guide, The 7 Most Powerful Phrases To Deepen Connection in Your Marriage. Find her at lifeisworthloving.com.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/MvQWGCA

Free 5-Day Meditation and Writing Challenge

Hi friends! Today, I’m thrilled to share with you an empowering five-day meditation and writing challenge from Tiny Buddha contributor (and this month’s site sponsor) Nadia Colburn.

Founder of the online creative writing school Align Your Story, Nadia is a poet, memoirist, and yogi who has a talent for helping people access their creative voice on a deeper level. And that’s exactly what she’s done with this challenge.

Each day’s fifteen-minute recording will guide you through a short meditation, share an evocative poem, and lead you through a quick writing exercise inspired by that day’s piece.

When she first told me about the challenge, I was intrigued because I know how powerful it can be to pair meditation with creative practices—and writing specifically.

By taking a few minutes to calm our minds and create mental spaciousness, we allow for the kind of clarity that can lead to profound insights about ourselves, what we need, and what we might want to do going forward.

That’s exactly what I got out of this experience.

I was energized by the ideas the prompts elicited and excited to recognize a common theme within my writing—a consistent message that illuminated what I most need at this point in my life.

Due to the demands of work, parenting, and a recent move, I’ve been a little disconnected from myself as of late. This five-day challenge helped me reconnect with my center and access the quiet voice within that knows what’s best for me.

You don’t need to be a professional writer or even an aspiring author to get something out of this challenge. It’s for anyone who wants to connect with themselves more deeply and perhaps find some of the answers they’ve been seeking externally within the quiet of their own mind.

Some of Nadia’s past participants have noted how easily their writing flowed after meditation and how the prompts brought them unexpected insights.

If you decide to give this a challenge a try, I have a feeling it could do the same for you.

You can access the 5-day challenge here.

See more posts

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people overcome internal blocks to meeting their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.

Web | Twitter | Facebook | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/E7ajyQD

How I Created a Beautiful Life on the Other Side of Burnout

“If you don’t give your mind and body a break, you’ll break. Stop pushing yourself through pain and exhaustion and take care of your needs.” Lori Deschene

For forty-five minutes, I lay on my yoga mat in child’s pose, unable to move.

The exhaustion in my body felt like a thousand kilos, and the ache of failure pricked my eyes with tears.

Despite all my early morning runs, after-work bootcamps, and restricted meals, my body did not look like the bikini models I saw on Instagram.

Despite all my energy, efforts, and attention, my romantic relationship had fallen apart. No matter what I did or how hard I tried, he didn’t love me anymore, and I couldn’t understand what I had done wrong.

Despite my long working hours and high levels of stress, my boss didn’t recognize me, and I had to face the fact that I just wasn’t the talented designer I was trying so hard to be.

As I wallowed in my failure and the heartbreak of ‘not enough,’ I felt my body pleading with me.

“Why don’t you love me?” she asked. “Why do you push me so hard? Why is it NEVER enough?”

I was taken aback, as it was the first time I heard this voice, and it was full of the pain of rejection.

In that moment, I realized that everything I had been pushing for had been sending the message that I was ultimately unacceptable as I was. I needed to change or be different in order to be loved, valued, and successful.

The harder I tried to be perfect, to achieve, to prove my worth, the more exhausted, broken, and small I felt. By desperately trying to win other people’s approval, I was actually rejecting and abandoning myself.

This realization flooded me with grief. What had I done to myself???

Since this was clearly not working, I made a decision that changed my life.

“Okay,” I said to my body. “We’re going to do things differently.”

“From now on, I’m going to listen to you,” I promised. “We are going to do this TOGETHER.”

As soon as I made this commitment, I felt my body exhale with relief. She had been waiting for this moment my whole life.

In the months that followed, I left my job, I left my friendships, and I left the home my ex and I had built together.

I found refuge on my parents’ couch with severe burnout. After years of pushing, my body had finally collapsed.

My body struggled to walk to the end of the street. Being in a store was so overly stimulating that I felt like I was going to pass out. I couldn’t sleep for months. I had severe stomach pains and terrible migraines, and I couldn’t think straight. My heart was broken. I felt like my life was over.

It was physically excruciating. It was emotionally devastating. It was the biggest blessing.

My body was giving me the chance to start again.

The thing about burnout is that you can never go back to how you were living before. That way was clearly not working: the lifestyle, the thought patterns, the identity, the environments—it was not serving you.

Burnout burns it all to the ground and forces you to start over.

My identity used to be a “hardworking, people-pleasing perfectionist addicted to external validation.” If I hadn’t done the inner work to let go of that pattern and completely rewire my identity, I would have ended up straight back in burnout just a few years later (which is, sadly, something that happens to others).

Trust me, burnout is not something you want to repeat. I promised myself I would NEVER end up in that situation again.

During my healing journey, I focused on building a relationship with myself and my body. Not one where I commanded and pushed my body, but one where I regularly checked in with her, learned to listen to her, and respectfully honored her needs.

Every morning, I sat on my meditation cushion and took time to go within.

What was I feeling?

How was I speaking to myself? 

Where was I judging myself?

What did my body need from me that day?

My burnout took two years, almost three, to recover from fully. To say I felt impatient to feel “normal” again is an understatement.

Any time I felt frustration toward my body, I quickly shifted my attitude to compassion and gratitude, recognizing that my body had been through hell and was doing her best to recharge back to optimal health. My impatience was only adding more stress that, honestly, she didn’t need to deal with.

It was in this way that I learned to love myself, as I was, without all the labels of achievement. Burnout had stripped away everything I had worked so hard for—my career, my relationships, my physique, my home. I had to learn to truly love myself without the badge of productivity.

Through this loving commitment, my body guided me on how to live a life that was right for me.

I found I was a human design projector and needed to value my energy above all else. I adjusted my schedule based on my energetic rhythms to include more rest and play in my day (which, admittedly, was not easy at first with my workaholic tendencies, but now I can’t imagine any other way).

Creating more space allowed me to find my soul’s purpose in teaching others how to connect to their bodies, love themselves unconditionally, and create successful lives in a sustainable way. I created a business based on what I love to do, began coaching women, and held retreats all over the world—without the extreme hustle I had been used to.

All the pressure to shrink down was gone. Instead of counting calories and pushing my body to the extreme, I focused on nutrition and movement that felt good. I didn’t care if my cellulite was showing or what people thought of the outfits I chose. The space that this opened up in my mind after years of obsession was the most freeing thing ever.

Learning to love my body changed my entire approach to life. It made me aware of my boundaries for the first time and helped me to create balanced relationships that felt truly fulfilling.

I went from overworking in a job I hated and over-giving in terrible relationships to running a purpose-led business where I get paid to be myself and surrounding myself with truly supportive people.

All because my body pulled the breaks on my old life and made me change direction. She showed me there was a more sustainable, more joyful, and more aligned way to make my dreams come true.

And for that, I am eternally grateful.

See more posts

About Alicia Ingruber

Alicia Ingruber is an empowerment coach and somatic yoga teacher who supports women in becoming their most confident and fulfilled selves through regulating their nervous system, transforming their mindset, and aligning their energy to their unique Human Design. Guiding clients, workshops, and retreats all over the world, she is a big advocate of setting boundaries to create burnout-proof success, courageously following your purpose, and learning to love yourself unconditionally. Visit it her at aliciainspired.com and on Instagram.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/FQmv0yq

The Consequences of Perfectionism and How to Embrace Life’s Messiness

“Perfectionism is not a quest for the best. It is a pursuit of the worst in ourselves, the part that tells us that nothing we do will ever be good enough.” ~Julia Cameron

My name is Steffi, and I am a recovering perfectionist. This might come as a surprise to those who know me because I don´t fit the stereotype. The inside of my bag is as messy as my hair, and I always give off the impression that I left the house five minutes too late (which is usually true). My wardrobe is not color-coordinated, and I haven’t organized a flawless birthday party yet.

It also goes against how I have always seen myself. My greatest life skill is my ability to freestyle—to think on my feet and go with the flow. Because it goes against everything I believed about myself, it took me a long time to recognize and accept my perfectionism.

And yet, in the areas that I truly care about, I hold myself to the highest standards. I become rigid and controlling. I feel no joy or flow, just a crippling pressure to be perfect.

In my work, I am always analyzing where I need to do better. I constantly wonder whether I am a good enough partner, friend, and family member (and the answer is usually no). And I really want to live a sustainable life and feel guilty when I am not meeting my own standards.

Even in the areas where I seem to have embraced my own messiness, I kind of wish it was different. I judge the inside of my bag and my mediocre event planning skills. I feel judgment about all the parts of my life that don´t feel perfectly put together.

To my great frustration, my perfectionism has the opposite of the desired effect: I become worse at what I do. I am no longer able to be flexible, experimental, and curious. I notice that when my perfectionist tendencies are at their strongest, my creativity doesn’t flow, and I can’t show up in my relationships the way I want to.

When my perfectionism feels extra strong, I self-sabotage by just not showing up at all. I choose the disappointment of what could have been over the potential pain of being confronted with my own shortcomings.

The difference between healthy self-reflection and perfectionism feels very clear to me. When my perfectionist tendencies show up, my body becomes tense, my breathing shallow, and my thoughts scattered. I want to immediately go and fix things and drop whatever else I was doing in that moment.

Perfectionism can be seen as a positive force for improvement and progress, but it does not come from a positive place. It is a fear-based approach, and underneath it lies a fear that if we are not perfect at what we set out to do, we are not good enough. And because we set the standards impossibly high for ourselves, we will probably not live up to them.

Underneath it lies a fear of criticism, not just from others but mostly from ourselves. When someone finds fault in what we do, that is the confirmation of what we feared all along: that we simply are not good enough at what we care about the most.

While, for some people, perfectionism brings them great success in their career, it often comes with a high cost. It can lead to frustration, exhaustion, and burnout. The intense pressure we put on ourselves can rob us of our joy and peace.

When the pressure gets really intense, it can even lead to procrastination. As we are convinced that we can never live up to the standards we put on ourselves, we stop trying altogether. This way, we avoid criticism from ourselves and others, but it also robs us of the chance of achieving something meaningful.

Perfectionism is, in essence, the fear of not being good enough. We believe that if only we are perfect in that area, we will finally be worthy of good things: a successful career, money, love from other people, or health and well-being. We subconsciously believe that by giving it our all, we can protect ourselves and our loved ones from the pain of feeling that we are falling short.

The problem is that, eventually, we do fall short. Because perfectionism means we have set standards for ourselves that we can´t always fulfill. Life and other people and their opinions are simply not always within our control.

The irony is that perfectionism not only can’t stop us from falling short, but it can also encourage it. Oftentimes, we become so critical of ourselves that we don´t even try, or when we do, it stops us from fully showing up.

While my perfectionism pops up from time to time, I now know how to recognize it and stop myself from spiraling. I focus on calming my mind and body and making space for the joy and messiness of life. If you recognize this feeling of your perfectionism running the show, here are some things you can do.

1. Learn to recognize your own critical voice.

What are the areas of life that you feel most protective of? What are the fears and doubts that come up when you think about those areas of life? What do you believe it says about you when you don´t live up to your standards?

You can even go back and see if you can remember when you first heard that critical voice. Does it sound like your own, or like the voice of a teacher, parent, or someone else you know?

Reflecting on what your critical voice sounds like and becoming familiar with it will give you insight into where it comes from. It also helps you recognize your perfectionism when it comes up in your day-to-day life.

2. When your perfectionism shows up, pause and take a deep breath.

This might feel counterintuitive, as your perfectionism probably wants to propel you into action. It can be very tempting to follow the voice and fix what you feel needs fixing. But this only supports your perfectionism.

Focusing on your breath gets you out of your head and your critical thoughts, even if it is just for a moment. It then gives you a choice: Do you want to act from a place of fear or move forward with more kindness toward yourself?

3. Notice the sensations in your body and make loving space for them.

When you have taken a moment to breathe, see if you can notice your physical sensations.

Perfectionism means your nervous system feels activated, so where do you notice that in your body? Where do you feel tension or contraction?

Give yourself the space to really experience what you are feeling. It does not need to go away or be any different. Make loving space for your experience. Just breathe and feel.

As you breathe into the tension, you might feel emotions coming up. Just let them flow. With some loving attention, you will probably feel the tension dissolve, even if it is just a little.

Your perfectionism is a form of self-protection. It is there to keep you safe from pain, disappointment, and rejection. By giving the experience your gentle care, you are giving it the opposite from the criticism it usually receives.

4. Implement a calming practice.

Perfectionism is fear-based, which means you are no longer looking at your situation from a neutral perspective. Calming your nervous system helps you open up to a new perspective, as your mind feels calmer when your body is relaxed.

It is really helpful to find out what feels calming to you. It could be humming, taking deep breaths, practicing gentle movement, or looking at the clouds. For me personally, it is walking barefoot, feeling soft fabrics around my body, and hearing the sound of the ocean.

Finding your own calm resources means you will always be able to access them. Over time, this will help you feel triggered for shorter periods of time, and it will be less intense.

5. Allow yourself to be a little messy.

Make the conscious choice to be a little messy in the areas that you feel most perfectionist about. Life is a little messy, and so are we. When you choose your messy moments, you become more equipped to handle them when they inevitably happen.

Now, I am not saying “let everything go and be messy.” Instead, I encourage you to choose flexibility where before you felt rigid. It is like you are gently stretching your resilience for messiness.

That could mean leaving the laundry for the next day, buying a birthday cake rather than making one, or allowing your unfinished art projects to be seen by your loved ones. Maybe it means giving yourself a day to eat unhealthy food, starting a new hobby that you have no talent for, or freestyling a presentation at work.

6. Connect with your joy.

Perfectionism and fear are the opposites of joy. Finding a little bit of joy in the areas you feel perfectionist about changes the narrative that you have about those areas. It can be incredibly liberating to invite in joy where you previously just felt pressure.

So, whether your source of pressure is parenting, cooking, cleaning, your work, or all of the above, see where you can be a little creative. Try out a new recipe, make cleaning more fun with music, or go crazy with the decorations at the event you are organizing. Do a course that you enjoy, give yourself space to experiment at work, or take your kids to a theme park that you love.

See more posts

About Steffi van Kessel

Steffi van Kessel is a somatic coach focused on calming the nervous system and processing emotions. She writes about topics like fear and feeling safe, joy and excitement, and nervous system health in the workplace. You can read more of her work here. Connect with her on Pinterest here.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/qUw9YVo

5 Pillars of Mindful Awareness That Transformed My Life

“When things change inside of you, things change around you.” ~Unknown

When I was twenty-three, I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety. It was not until two years later, when I stopped taking medication, that I discovered I had a mental health disorder linked to my menstrual cycles.

Meditating daily has been foundational for my well-being. It helps me manage the physical expressions of anxiety and bad moods. It allows me to be more accepting of myself and grateful for the many positives in my life.

But it is the awareness journey that mindfulness has paved over these last seven years that has reached so many different corners of my life.

The awareness I developed from regular practice seeps into my life as a positive multiplier, pushing further progress in emotional regulation and health. It inspired me to start journaling daily. It encouraged me to face myself, my fears, and my choices.

With awareness comes meaningful change. I completely pivoted my life, walking away from my career in the investment industry to prioritize things that I discovered I valued the most.

This is just one transformation that has come from developing different types of awareness. Together, these form the pillars of a healthy, fruitful relationship with myself and the world around me.

Everybody’s awareness journey will be different; you cannot know where yours will lead. But in case it helps with your reflection and journey, I am sharing the questions I faced on mine.

Awareness of Emotions: Taking Back Control from the Unconscious

Mindfulness practice revealed how much my emotions had a hold over me. I previously saw no separation between myself and my emotions. I let them convince me of things that weren’t true and lead my decisions.

But now my relationship with my emotions has transformed from one of “I am this feeling” to “this feeling is happening to me.”

Awareness of feelings reveals some key things. Firstly, emotions are temporary. Secondly, many emotions come from an instinctive, animalistic part of us, cropping up to protect us. This means they can often impact our perceptions and rationality.

Emotions are there to serve us, as is our stress reaction. But we must recognize these bodily reactions for what they are—processes that need completing. Stress and negative emotions are often linked to significant health problems, but the power to minimize their impacts is within our reach.

With awareness, I recognize my changing views, desires to act, and needs to service all the different parts of myself. The latter includes the person I am at my core, the part that houses my rationality and values. Quick, emotional reactions do not tend to represent this part.

At first, it was difficult to accept all the parts of myself that awareness uncovers. But it paved the way for enhanced emotional regulation and management. I now know how to take the messages my emotions are trying to send me, feel them, settle them, and act in a way that represents all parts.

When we do this, we change unconscious reactions, led by emotions, to conscious responses. It’s okay if we still have racing thoughts; it’s how we act that matters. We take back ownership of our lives from our emotions by making constructive choices.

Reflecting on your emotions:

• Can I name my emotions and the feelings toward the events or people involved?
• How did the desire to react manifest?
• Why might I feel this way, and what are my needs?
• Does this point to any unhealed pain, fears, or insecurities?
• How did my feelings and perceptions change, and what contributed to this?
• Which thoughts are supported by evidence, and where do I need more clarity?

Awareness of Capacity: Getting the Best Out of Myself

When we are not feeling like our best selves, we naturally blame our circumstances or problems. We often completely overlook how much our inner space influences our feelings, our functioning, and what we get out of the world.

By paying attention, I discovered how so much inside of me is always changing. My motivation, my energy, and my physiology change across the month. Patterns started to appear—times when my self-doubt and limiting beliefs were louder, or when my cognitive or physical strength were weaker.

Some things cycle naturally. Some are heavily influenced by “too much of this” or “too little of that.” I see the links between physical factors, mindset, and progress.

You can consume all the motivational quotes about success and personal growth out there, but if you do not prioritize your health, you are setting out on the wrong foot.

Intuitively, we function best when we look after ourselves. We are most confident when we can recognize our self-doubt for what it is.

With awareness, I can identify and meet my needs. Whether that be self-compassion practice when my self-doubt is loud or fueling my brain when it feels slow. I also match activities to when they best suit my capacity, working with myself instead of beating myself up.

Reflection questions for awareness of capacity:

• When do I feel most energized, motivated, creative, focused, and confident?
• What are my motivation and energy killers and boosters?
• When do I find it easiest to make decisions?
• Which activities work best for when my brain feels slow, my body feels weak, or my social capacity is low?

Here are some things to consider: sleep, nutrition, movement, connection with nature, time with loved ones, stress management, and downtime.

Awareness in Relationships: Finding Peace and Improving Connections

Reflecting on some past relationships, it often feels like I wasn’t a part of them at all. Driven by unconscious reactions and people-pleasing, they hardly felt authentic, and this really limited their richness.

We can learn a lot about ourselves from our approach to relationships. Our deepest traumas manifest in our triggers. Our actions are mostly driven by our fears and insecurities, often underpinned by the need for validation and fear of rejection.

Once we deal with these at the root and take back our life from our emotions, we enter a new space. Challenges with other people stop becoming reasons to walk away or make an enemy, but instead become opportunities to build something stronger. Or at least they give us a chance to act more authentically.

Awareness of my own changing feelings, needs, and typical behaviors provides a level of empathy that is nothing less than superhuman.

Known as a main ingredient for successful relationships, empathy is the understanding and patience we need to lovingly consider things from another’s perspective. Most of the time, everybody is trying their best to navigate the world and their relationships, acting in ways they’ve learned from their experiences rather than out of selfishness.

Boundaries are still key when there is a misalignment of standards and values. But empathizing is useful for finding acceptance where needed. Where alignment exists, empathy is the tool that helps relationships grow and enriches connections.

Reflecting on relationships:

• What are my values, wants, needs, and expectations, and do I know where they come from?
• Do I approach things authentically, or do I have ulterior motives?
• What challenges do I often face in relationships, and what is my approach usually?
• What assumptions do I make about how others should behave?
• Do these answers reveal areas of required self-work?

Awareness for Connection: Feeling Present in the World

Becoming aware and being present are one and the same thing. When we practice mindfulness, we pay attention to the present moment. Mindfulness isn’t just about cultivating self-awareness; we also train our brains to be aware of everything around us.

Before my awareness journey, I lived in my head. Mulling over events, worrying about things that could be, and constructing scenarios, I took attention away from everything around me.

With mindfulness practice, you transform your relationship with your thoughts, just like you do with your emotions. You realize thoughts are just thoughts, and you don’t have to get so wrapped up in them. They become much easier to let go, and with time, your mind can become quieter.

When we practice being present, we train ourselves to notice the little things around us. I hear the birds in the morning. I feel the wind against my skin. I see the pattern on the tie of the person sitting opposite me.

Awareness of the world is connection to the world. And it is connection that ultimately helps us feel mentally well. This kind of awareness gives us the sense of grounding we need to get out of our heads and feel alive in the world.

Maximizing external awareness:

• Practice awareness of sounds, sensations, and smells during meditation.
• Take mindful moments during the day for a few deep breaths.
• Get out into nature.
• Make activities mindful by engaging the senses. What can I see, hear, smell, and feel?

Awareness of Living: Leading an Intentional Life

Previously, I worked toward other people’s ideas of success and things I thought I “should” have or do. And I know I’m not alone.

Again, fear underpins a lot of our motives, as we dread being judged or not accepted. We often prioritize conforming over doing things that are meaningful to us personally. We lack self-compassion, compare ourselves to others, and find it hard to say no.

Intentional living starts with really understanding why we want the things we want and do or don’t do certain things. Then we can take ownership of our life direction and make choices in line with our values, not what we feel is expected of us.

With awareness, we can trust that any consequences of living authentically are insignificant compared to the benefits.

It is totally possible to go through life passively, going with whatever is presented to us. It is easy to pick up short-term pleasures and continually get sucked into the moment. But if we do this, we will always be haunted by a sense of unfulfillment.

Awareness shines a light on passive living and encourages us to enjoy the present while making decisions for the long term.

Reflecting on your approach to life:

• Why do I want the things I want?
• Am I measuring progress by comparing myself to others?
• What is meaningful to me, and what are my values?
• Which parts of my life lack alignment to these?
• What do I think is expected of me, and how can I deal with these pressures?
• When did I last make active decisions or changes for alignment in my life?

Your Awareness Journey

Ultimately, this is a journey that will never end. We are constantly changing, and life around us is forever moving, so there will always be a need for reflection. You might become great at recognizing your feelings and staying present, but it will still be something you should practice to maintain.

When we accept that, like our mental well-being, awareness is not a destination, we can enjoy continually managing life rather than redundantly wishing for things to be different.

With awareness, life becomes an art. Regardless of what it throws at you, you have a powerful tool to navigate and make something out of it.

See more posts

About Nicole Howard

Nicole Howard is a mindfulness and meditation teacher with a belief that everybody should have access to simple and practical tools to manage their health and mental wellbeing. Nicole shares insights into integrating mindfulness, wellbeing techniques, and approaching key areas of life mindfully on her website, theawarenessadvantage.co.uk. Follow her on Instagram, Pinterest and Facebook.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/4Uymanv

The Benefits of Vipassana Meditation and How to Start Your Practice

“Meditation is not a way of making your mind quiet. It’s a way of entering into the quiet that’s already there.” ~Deepak Chopra

Have you ever felt overwhelmed by the chaos of daily life, longing for a sense of calm and clarity? That was me a year ago, trapped in a cycle of overwork and unhealthy habits. It wasn’t until I rediscovered meditation, particularly Vipassana, that I began to find true peace and transformation. Here’s my story and how Vipassana changed my life and how it could change yours too.

My Personal Journey with Meditation

I’ve always been drawn to self-improvement activities like meditation, exercise, and healthy eating. However, I often ignored my own advice and indulged in moderate-to-heavy drinking and overworking, embodying a “work hard, play hard” mentality. In college, I was introduced to meditation and yoga, but my practice was inconsistent, lacking the structure or commitment needed for lasting change.

About a year ago, I became determined to transform my life. I was drinking more than I liked, eating poorly, overweight, and overstressed from my highly demanding job as an actuary. I committed to a daily practice of meditation, exercise, and healthy eating.

After browsing for books on meditation, I discovered 10% Happier: How I Tamed the Voice in My Head, Reduced Stress Without Losing My Edge, and Found Self-Help That Actually Works—A True Story, by Dan Harris.

The book’s simple approach—eyes closed, focusing on the breath—resonated with me. My OCD tendencies made mantra-based meditation daunting; I worried a mantra might exacerbate my symptoms.

The Limits of Breath-Based Meditation

After a few months, the commitments were paying off, but I wasn’t getting the mental calm and peace I’d read so much about with meditation.

As I started listening to podcasts about meditation and sober living, I noticed a recurring theme: Many people, including myself, found it challenging to stay committed to focusing solely on the breath because it can become monotonous. This led me to question, “Is all I get just 10% happier? Why not aim for 100%?”

Breath-based meditation has become incredibly popular and is often seen as the beginning and end of meditation practice; however, there’s a common perception that it is the ultimate form of meditation. While it is great for beginner meditators or for those comfortable with a more casual practice, it may be insufficient for those seeking more. Vipassana offers a deeper, more transformative experience.

Discovering Vipassana Meditation

During my exploration, I found The Art of Living: Vipassana Meditation as Taught by S. N. Goenka, by William Hart. Vipassana meditation is believed by some to be the actual method of meditation practice used and taught by the Buddha over 2,500 years ago. Vipassana takes meditation to the next level by addressing the deeper layers of the mind.

According to The Art of Living, breath awareness is the foundation, but true progress comes from observing bodily sensations. It emphasizes maintaining equanimity, or mental calmness, while experiencing these sensations. Practitioners maintain a balanced mind in the face of physical and mental discomfort, heal past traumas, and foster mental resilience.

The book is organized into ten chapters, in sync with the typical ten days of a Goenka-style meditation retreat, described more below. To put the importance of breath-focused meditation, or Anapana meditation, into perspective, seven chapters are dedicated to Anapana, while only three focus on Vipassana. Breath-based meditation’s importance is fundamental to a successful Vipassana practice.

Vipassana in Practice

My own experience with Vipassana has helped me tremendously. As one who has struggled with severe anxiety, panic attacks, and hypochondria, it has helped me break the cycle of interpreting daily aches and pains as life-threatening illnesses and to accept the bodily sensations with more equanimity.

By observing sensations without reacting, I have trained myself to dissociate minor physical discomforts from anxious thoughts. As a result, the frequency and severity of my anxiety and panic attacks have been significantly reduced.

Even on the days I do have stronger aches and pains, I focus on the pain itself and notice the physical sensations are constantly changing. They don’t feel as bad as what my brain tells me the pain should feel like.

I continue meditating on the pain and let the physical sensations come and go. Eventually, the pain becomes more tolerable and often forgettable.

Another benefit is that I feel more at peace with childhood traumas and that some of the experiences I’ve clung to for all these years aren’t as bad as I’ve made them out to be. When a memory of these bad experiences arises, I observe and feel my bodily sensations with equanimity. I permit the feelings to be with me until they subside.

It isn’t always easy. Recently, there was a meditation session where I had a more profound realization that brought forth deep-rooted feelings of fear and terror.

I began to struggle to breathe and started to hyperventilate. I was scared. Goenka teaches during these times to refocus back on the breath until the emotion and sensations subside and equanimity returns.

I rode that wave and trusted the process, and my breath eventually calmed down. That session was one of the most profound experiences of my life and really helped me on my spiritual journey toward peace and calm.

Mechanics and Technique of Vipassana Meditation

For those interested, the technique of Vipassana meditation involves several steps:

1. Preparation

Sit comfortably with your back straight and eyes closed. Take a few moments to settle and focus.

2. Anapana

Start with Anapana meditation, focusing on your breath. Observe the natural flow of breath as it enters and leaves your nostrils without trying to control it. This helps calm the mind and prepares it for Vipassana.

3. Body Scan

After calming the mind, begin the Vipassana practice by systematically scanning your body from head to toe. Observe each part of the body in turn, noticing any sensations—tingling, heat, pressure, etc. Keep your attention moving without lingering too long on any one sensation.

4. Equanimity

As you observe sensations, maintain a sense of equanimity. Understand that sensations are transient and try not to react to them with craving or aversion. This helps in developing mental balance and insight.

5. Focus

When strong emotions and thoughts come, return the focus to the breath until they subside and equanimity can be regained, then go back to the body scan.

6. Regular Practice

Consistent daily practice is essential. Start with short sessions and gradually increase the duration as you become more comfortable with the technique. With repeated practice, some of the strong traumas begin to lessen and fade as you become more at peace with yourself.

The Ten-Day Vipassana Retreat

To deepen my practice, I hope to attend a ten-day Vipassana retreat. These retreats provide an immersive experience in Vipassana meditation with a structured schedule of meditation, instruction, and silence.

The retreat offers a unique opportunity to disconnect from daily distractions and focus entirely on the practice. It is intense but promises profound insights and lasting benefits for those who complete it. It includes a strict schedule of meditation, instructions, and “noble silence,” providing a conducive environment for deep mental purification.

The retreat is free of charge, funded by donations from previous participants. More information can be found on the dhamma.org website.

My Progress to Date

Since committing to meditation last year and strengthening my practice with Vipassana, I’ve seen significant improvements in my physical and mental health. I have weaned off all my prescription medications, lost twelve pounds, and gained a newfound energy I haven’t felt in years. I even went for a run the other day just for fun and to let off some extra energy, something I haven’t done in a long time.

Even more dramatic, I realized my actuary job wasn’t worth the stress and long hours, and I quit. I bought an RV and have been traveling with my dog, exploring the country and having adventures. I’ve also started a blog dedicated to my passions in health and travel.

Final Thoughts

For me, maintaining a balanced sense of work and play where I can enjoy life’s rich pageant is what truly matters. Vipassana meditation is quickly establishing itself in my life as the doorway through which I am free to drop my past baggage at the door, step through, and live in the present moment like it was meant to be lived.

I’m excited to see what the next year brings for me. If you’re curious about Vipassana, I encourage you to give it a try.

See more posts

About Rob Bruhn

Rob Bruhn, a U.S. Army veteran and MBA, applies his data analytics expertise at Bananomad.com to make wellness and travel insights actionable. Continuously learning from diverse global experiences, he focuses on distilling complex data into relatable advice. Rob’s personal stories from travels through thirteen countries and an ongoing RV journey across the U.S. not only enrich his content but also bring authenticity and a broad perspective to readers seeking a mindful, adventurous lifestyle.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/2TR8yuJ

What I Know About Healing Now That I’ve Ended Contact with My Mom

“Not all toxic people are cruel and uncaring. Some of them love us dearly. Many of them have good intentions. Most are toxic to our being simply because their needs and way of existing in the world force us to compromise ourselves and our happiness. They aren’t inherently bad people, but they aren’t the right people for us.” ~Daniell Koepke 

If someone had asked me a year ago if I would ever cut contact with my mom, my answer would have been a definite no.

After reconnecting with my dad in 2020 (we didn’t speak for over eleven years), I decided to handle this parent business differently.

Part of me strongly believed that if I was healing and doing this inner work right, I would be able to find a way to coexist in a relationship with my parents, and that I had to do that at all costs.

My mom and I were always very close. Although our relationship was toxic, we had a bond that I believed was unbreakable.

She used to say that I was a rainbow baby since she lost my sister to a shooting accident before I was born. After my sister died, they told her she would never have more children. One year later, she got pregnant, and I was born. Everyone was saying that she was beside herself, and I believed it.

Although there was a lot of abuse and violence happening in our household, I saw her as someone who was fighting for her life to move beyond the trauma of her past while losing it to a bottle of vodka to numb and escape.

I believe this is why I always had this unsettling drive not to give up and be defined by the past while never shying away from addressing it. I saw the consequences we face when our souls are unhealed and how unaddressed trauma drives everything.

The first time I clearly saw how toxic the relationship with my mom was and how it affected me was when I read the book Silently Seduced: When Parents Make Their Children Partners by Kenneth M. Adams, in 2020.

It was the most difficult but revolutionary book that I had ever gotten my hands on. I remember times when I had to put the book down and take deep breaths to stomach the deeply confronting truth I saw myself in. Reading this book marked a breaking point for me when the dynamic between my mom and I started to change.

As the years went on, her alcohol abuse became uncontrollable. I think she lost any desire to fight her addiction, which she always had before. Although we live on two different continents, I began to wake up to Facebook messages from her attacking me and calling me names while demanding I send her more money.

Therefore, in December 2023, after pleading with her repeatedly to seek help and threatening her that I would stop talking to her if things continued the way they were, I decided to act on my word. I ended my contact with her for the first time. Since then, we haven’t been in touch. Here are four things this decision and reflecting on it periodically taught me about healing.

1. Pain doesn’t always subside.

Someone once told me that the pain that I feel regarding my mom will eventually subside. Although I am doing a much better job at dealing with this situation internally, I understand that pain of this sort doesn’t always subside. I must learn to carry it with grace.

When we look at the person we love destroying themselves while not being able to do anything, how can we let go of the pain we feel? This pain comes from love, not from others doing us wrong. And those, to me, are two different types of pain. Although learning how to deal with our emotions is up to us, when we love, we also hurt.

The two most empowering practices that have been helping me are accepting things I can’t change and allowing myself to release what I feel without stuffing it up. I don’t try to hold my emotions in or lie to myself that I don’t care when, in fact, I do. I choose not to shy away from the emotional discomfort and to take time to reflect on how I am progressing with this no-contact situation as I move through it.

I also see my pain as a sign of the deep love I am capable of. Understanding that my capacity to feel pain reflects the capacity to feel love helps me ground myself and, in a way, befriend the pain instead of rejecting it.

2. It’s important that we honor our healing.

There is no right or wrong way to heal. It is one of the most complex and imperfect paths we will ever walk, and honoring every step of it is the only thing we “should” do.

For all those years, I felt immense guilt that I couldn’t help my mom. I felt like a failure, working with women from all over the world to heal themselves while being powerless to help a woman who gave birth to me.

Only those who have ever dealt with an addict close to them can understand the pain this brings. After some time, we realize that the only thing left to do is to sit back and watch the tragedy unfold, as if we are watching some heart-aching movie, while understanding that only an addict can help themselves.

It took me many years to start accepting that I couldn’t fix this situation while paying attention to the pain I felt.

Often, when a person struggles with alcohol or drug abuse, the focus is, understandably, on them. However, people around them are affected as well. For as long as I can remember, I battled with the desire to turn my back on my mom while shaming myself for wanting that.

Eventually, I started to pay attention to the effect this had on me and stayed away from people who said things like, “But it’s your mom.” I was and am fully aware that this is my mom, whom I love deeply. I am also mindful that these remarks come from people who’ve probably never stood in my shoes.

As Brené Brown said, “You share with people who’ve earned the right to hear your story.” This is especially true when it comes to our stories of shame. There were times when I thought about how easier my life would have been if my mom died and I didn’t have to deal with her alcohol. A few moments later, I felt paralyzed by shame, judging myself for having had these thoughts.

Today, I choose to own my story of shame and work on forgiving myself. I understand that these thoughts come from desperation and a desire to escape her addiction, which, in a way, I did when I moved to the U.S.

Recognizing the source of it while offering myself compassion and forgiveness helped me work through my unmet expectations of her recovery while becoming more resilient to face our dysfunctional relationship.

3. Sometimes we have to love people from a distance. 

One of the hardest lessons I learned on my healing journey was this: love doesn’t equal presence. Requiring presence to love is attachment.

Eventually, I understood that I could love my mom while choosing not to be around her because it isn’t healthy for me. This, of course, came after a series of inner battles, and it certainly stretched me beyond my comfort.

The biggest battle for a person who is in contact with an addict is to choose when to leave or when to keep fighting for them. This often comes with doubts because we don’t want to give up on them, and we constantly question whether we did everything we could to help.

But when we choose to distance ourselves while keeping love in our hearts, we are honoring our mental health while still loving those who struggle. We understand that their paths are not ours and that our mental health, healing, and life matter as much as theirs.

4. We heal better when we choose to understand. 

One thing that helped me while healing my relationship with my mom was looking at her life from a place of curiosity and understanding.

At first, I used this understanding to excuse her behavior while holding lots of anger and resentment toward her. Although I would call her every day and send her money every month, I resented her for the mother she was. As I progressed in my healing, I realized that I could only understand her actions and heal the pain from my past if I honored what was true for me. And that was to distance myself and go no contact.

It helped me to look at her with more compassion while considering everything she had been through as a child and the fact that she had done no healing work (coming from the era where mental health was taboo). It also helped to recognize that she really tried. I know she did. And I think knowing that hurts the most.

Reflecting on my mom’s life and understanding her while healing myself helps me to detach from her actions while knowing that whatever she did, it wasn’t about me. It wasn’t because she didn’t love me but because she didn’t know how to handle her own demons.

It also shows me the importance of making healthy choices for myself. In a way, I am learning to hold her in my heart while, at the same time, holding my well-being there as well. It teaches me that there isn’t a right way to heal while navigating through our recovery.

At the time of this writing, my mom and I haven’t spoken in seven months. As I am preparing to come home for Christmas, I am planning to reach out to her to meet and talk face-to-face.

Although I have no idea how the conversation will go, I know that whatever will be true for me at that moment, whether to reconnect or keep things as they are, I will obey what my soul tells me.

Because listening to what we truly feel and then honoring it, regardless of what it looks like on the outside, is the only thing that heals us and sets us free.

See more posts

About Silvia Turonova

Silvia Turonova is a women’s mindset coach who leads women toward emotional healing while empowering them to live a life of wholeness, balance, and inner resilience. She loves writing and serving women through her blog. You can find out more about working with her and her 1-on-1 coaching program COACH Intensive here or get her free self-coaching worksheet here.

Web | More Posts

Get in the conversation! Click here to leave a comment on the site.

from Tiny Buddha https://ift.tt/swlBVqM