5 Unexpected Ways to Find the Right Mate

“Your new life is going to cost you your old one. It’s going to cost you your comfort zone and your sense of direction. It’s going to cost you relationships and friends. It’s going to cost you being liked and understood. It doesn’t matter. The people who are meant for you are going to meet you on the other side. You’re going to build a new comfort zone around the things that actually move you forward. Instead of being liked, you’re going to be loved. Instead of being understood, you’re going to be seen. All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are.” ~Brianna Wiest

Over a transformative two-year period, marked by deep inner work and self-discovery, I stumbled upon a series of steps that helped me find a fulfilling partnership—steps that go far beyond attachment theory.

My life essentially followed the cycle of the phoenix: First, it went up in spectacular flames before emerging more aligned than ever. I had to step into total darkness before seismic shifts brought me back to lightness.

I hope that my story helps you navigate your own journey on the quest for love and a long-term partner. This journey is highly personal for everyone, so while this blueprint might not be the exact match for you, I hope it points you in the right direction.

Before we dive in, I’d like to explain what attachment theory is and why I never found it helpful for me personally.

What Is Attachment Theory?

Attachment theory, developed by psychologists John Bowlby and Mary Ainsworth, explores how our early relationships with caregivers shape our behavior in adult relationships.

According to attachment theory, there are three primary attachment styles:

• Secure Attachment: Comfortable with intimacy and independence, secure types can express their needs openly without fear of rejection.
• Anxious Attachment: Anxious types crave closeness and fear abandonment, often seeking constant reassurance and becoming hyper-vigilant to signs of disconnection.
• Avoidant Attachment: Avoidant types prioritize independence and may distance themselves emotionally, feeling suffocated by intimacy.

Attachment theory is often used to explain why certain people seem drawn to the same relationship patterns, particularly the classic anxious-avoidant dynamic. Anxious types seek reassurance, which pushes avoidant types to withdraw, reinforcing each other’s deepest fears.

But here’s the catch: While understanding your attachment style can help you make sense of your relationship patterns, it may not offer the practical solutions you need, especially in the long term.

While it was helpful learning that I was an anxious attachment type, even five years in therapy was not enough to encourage me to choose someone secure. Ultimately, while attachment theory offered clarity on why I repeated certain patterns, it wasn’t the key to finding the fulfilling relationship I craved.

Things finally began to shift when I let go of the life that no longer fit. Each unexpected event was like a domino, toppling the old version of myself to make room for something new. Interestingly, it all started with a journal.

How Writing Reveals What You Really Want

Most of us know we should get clear about what we want in a partner, but how many of us have actually written it down? I certainly hadn’t.

That changed when, on a complete whim, I picked up a workbook called Single Is Your Superpower. It struck me as cheesy, but there’s something about using pen and paper that taps into deeper, subconscious thoughts—far more effectively than just thinking things over in your head.

Flipping to a random page, I came across a prompt asking me to write down the top five qualities I wanted in a mate. At first, I rolled my eyes. It seemed too simple to be “deep” and transformative, but I did it anyway.

I thought I already knew what I was looking for: humor, spirituality, shared values, ambition. But what surprised me was the number one quality that surfaced: emotional availability.

That insight was a game changer. I realized my previous focus on finding someone ambitious had been attracting people with demanding careers—partners who often leaned toward avoidant.

That’s not to say you need to avoid ambition in a partner. Far from it! What matters is getting clear on the qualities that truly matter to you so you can see beyond surface traits. I began to ask myself different questions:

Are they ambitious but still present?

Do they carve out time for things they enjoy?

Or do they use ambition as an excuse to stay emotionally distant?

These questions became the new lenses through which I viewed potential partners.

That’s when things shifted. With this clarity, I started attracting emotionally available people, and for the first time ever, I wasn’t fighting with my partners. I wasn’t caught in the anxious-avoidant tug-of-war.

And it all started with pen and paper. So even if you think you know what you want in a partner, I challenge you to get out a piece of paper and write it down. Find some powerful journal prompts and let your desires unfold in ways that just might surprise you.

Don’t Let Other People Judge or Belittle Your Desire for Love

As my dating life began to shift for the better—less conflict, more meaningful connections—I still hadn’t found someone that I wanted to commit to long-term.

By the time I hit thirty, the pressure around my biological “window” to start a family became more tangible. Sharing this with two close friends, however, often left me feeling unsupported. Comments like “You have plenty of time” or “Why are you so afraid of being alone?” dismissed the real emotions I was grappling with.

The truth was, I wasn’t afraid of being alone. Sure, loneliness can be uncomfortable, but I had already done the inner work to address those feelings. My desire for a partner came from a much deeper place—a calling to build a family, to share my life with someone who shared that vision.

What I realized is this: When you’re being vulnerable and communicating your true desires, and you still feel the need to defend yourself, you’re not in the right environment.

It’s vital to surround yourself with people who not only respect your journey but understand that your longing for love is a strength, not a weakness. Trust yourself, trust your desires, and never let others make you question your path, especially when it aligns with your core values.

This shift in perspective laid the groundwork for me to make some difficult but necessary decisions later on. It taught me that we need to be selective about the voices we allow to influence our most vulnerable desires.

Pursue Any Type of Self-Discovery Work That Calls to Your Soul

A year prior to these struggles, I participated in a robust coaching program centered around identifying my core values, mission, and life purpose. I never expected to articulate what became one of my more important, guiding core values: being supportive of others and feeling supported by others.

The truth was, I no longer felt supported in those friendships I mentioned before.

While this was happening, I was also considering a career pivot. I consulted with an astrologist to see if my birth chart had any implications for my career. On this adventure, another unexpected steppingstone emerged.

My astrologist told me that I was well-suited for a career in leadership. She also could not help but divulge, “You also have a very strong calling toward motherhood, and you will find a unique way to balance work and family.” Woah.

I found this enormously validating because it affirmed what I already knew to be true: I didn’t want a mate just to fill the void or because I feared being alone. Rather, I was feeling pulled by a deep calling: to start a family.

On one level, this was merely an affirmation of what I already knew to be true, but when we’re on a journey of self-discovery that’s peppered with occasional self-doubt, supportive modalities can be enormously helpful.

For me, it was values-centered coaching and astrology. For you, it might be therapy, tarot, journaling, or some other form of self-discovery. Follow your intuition and lead with curiosity.

Start with Subtraction, Not Addition, to Manifest the Right Partner

As my two close friends increasingly filled my life with judgment and subtle criticism, I began doubting myself around them. Our paths and values were diverging (or was I simply gaining clarity on what was already happening?) making our interactions more draining than enriching.

Despite my distaste for loneliness and the fact that I don’t have many close friends to begin with, I knew it was time to make a hard choice. With intentions of honoring my values and boundaries, I decided to distance myself, intentionally creating a significant void in my life.

This void was both authentic and, at times, filled with panic. During low moments, I’d catch myself thinking, “What have I done?!”

However, in moments of true alignment, I knew letting go was the right decision. This newfound space in my life led me to ponder, “Who do I know that emanates positive energy? Who do I want to surround myself with?”

The first person that popped into my head was a colleague that I had worked with remotely for a little over seven years. He lived in Canada while I lived in California, so I sent him an email asking if he wanted to hang out virtually. He enthusiastically obliged, and we became fast friends.

Then, one day, he hopped on a plane to California, and we became best friends. Little did we know, that was the beginning of forever—because now we’re married.

While I didn’t know it at the time, manifestation often starts with subtraction. It’s easy to assume that attracting the right mate is about addition, but manifestation is as much about creating space as it is about filling it.

Trust That Each Bold Step Is Preparing You for What’s Next

Looking back on the choices I made, I’m profoundly grateful for the voids I dared to create in my life—despite the panic they caused sometimes. Aligned decisions aren’t always easy, but by staying true to my core values, I knew I was making the right choices.

In hindsight, the path seems almost simple: Get clear on your desires (with pen and paper!), cut away what no longer fits, and trust that your life will unfold with each intentional step. But while you’re living it, it can feel like an endless, clumsy fumble.

The truth is, at every step of this journey, I was filled with doubt, yet I kept moving forward. And each step prepared me for the person I was becoming.

In the end, the empty spaces we create by letting go of what no longer serves us aren’t just voids—they’re opportunities for transformation. These spaces inspire us to take aligned action and build something brand new.

Remember, your new life may ask you to leave behind more than just old habits—it may cost you comfort, approval, and the familiar sense of who you used to be. But on the other side of that transformation is something far greater: relationships that truly see you, a life that deeply fulfills you, and a future that you were always meant to step into.

Follow your intuition, embrace the unknown, and allow yourself to build a new life from the ashes of the old one.

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About Kari Dahlgren

Kari Dahlgren is an eating psychology coach specializing in stopping compulsive eating through purely a psycho-spiritual approach, completely free from diet culture. To learn more, follow her eating psychology blog or download her free ebook, The Spiritual Seeker’s Guide to Stop Binge Eating. She loves connecting with readers, so feel free to drop a comment—you’ll always hear back.

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The Power of Finding Hidden Opportunities in Our Problems

“The solution to every problem is to be found on a level that is slightly, or even greatly, above the conflicting perceptions. As long as you are eye to eye with the difficulty, you will fight the problem rather than resolve it.” ~Glenda Green

Years ago, my city was in the middle of a heatwave. My home had no air conditioning. It was so hot indoors that I was sticking to my office chair. Even well after 11 p.m. I was still sweating away at the computer.

Then the office lamp overheated and shut off. Sudden total darkness. Did I get up, take a break, and do something else? Nope.

Did I relocate to a cooler part of the house? Nope. I wasn’t paying attention.

Then it got worse.

Several website pages I had created suddenly vanished into cyberspace. Poof! I was in the middle of a promotion that was directing people to those very sites.

My frustration level was rising fast—almost to panic levels—which of course, naturally led almost immediately to the next disaster: I locked myself out of the house.

Now it was serious.

I had gone into the garage for something and soon discovered that the door back into the house had closed and locked behind me. My hidden spare key was nowhere to be found.

Fortunately, one of the windows around back was open, so I managed to get into the house by hilariously climbing through the kitchen window like a Cirque du Soleil performance gone wrong. It was just the thing to bring me back to my senses.

It’s a rare person who, when presented with what looks like a problem, thinks, “Great, how is this amazing? How is this an opportunity?”

Albert Einstein once said that a problem cannot be solved at the same level of mind that created it. So, it’s helpful to zoom out and look at the issue from a higher and wider perspective. When we do, we can see the hidden opportunities.

When we take a step back, we often realize those less-than-awesome things were happening for us, not to us.

During my three-part problem of the heatwave, website crash, and the lockout from my house, there were the obvious lessons of “always know where your spare key is” and “go somewhere else when the office is sweltering.” The bigger opportunity, though, was to be reminded that:

There is very little in life that is worth panicking over. In fact, little is as bad as our minds would have us believe.

So what if the web pages vanished? They can be recreated. Big deal if it’s hot in the house and there’s no air conditioning. At least I have a house.

Someone once said that “life is largely a matter of paying attention.” Had I fully paid attention to the first two events—the rising temperatures and the vanishing web pages—and paused to consider what the message might be, I likely could have avoided the trip through the back window.

The truth is, opportunities are around us all the time. But we must look for them.

When I sleep through my alarm, for instance, I end up running late for appointments, and then the whole day feels off. But perhaps arriving late for an appointment is really a gentle nudge from the universe to reassess my expectations of how much I can realistically do in a day. Maybe sleeping through my alarm meant I avoided a car accident that happened during my usual drive time.

Within every problem is an opportunity, even if it might not seem that way at the time.

Recently I drove over a nail, only to discover my car needed not one but all four tires replaced. Here was another opportunity to observe my default mode when unfortunate things happen. The natural tendency is to react. “How did this happen?” “What do I do now?” “This is awful. I can’t believe it.”

For many of us (myself included), our automatic reaction to a setback is fear, worry, and frustration. Although it is important to acknowledge and validate these totally normal feelings and accept that they are there, these automatic reactions do little to find a solution and fix the problem.

We can train ourselves to meet each perceived problem with the question, “How might this be a good thing?”

After that initial moment of frustration and sticker shock at the price of the four new tires, I actively searched for the silver lining. Since I was going on a long road trip in a few weeks anyway, it made sense to have the car in top condition now.

Replacing all four tires also led to discovering a more serious problem with my car—something that would have gone unnoticed had I not driven over that small nail.

When confronted with what looks like a problem, the mind wants to jump in and run endless doomsday and what-if scenarios. One way to interrupt this tendency is to give your mind a funny name.

For example, imagine your mind as an annoying neighbor who loves to complain. The next time it starts rattling off how things are terrible, you can tell that mind, “Thanks for sharing, Buzzard.” Seeing your mind as something separate from you allows you to acknowledge its concerns and simultaneously interrupt its negative patterns.

Another way to release yourself from a downward mental spiral is to grab a slip of paper and write down how that unpleasant event or circumstance might be a good thing.

Start by sitting quietly and taking some slow, deep breaths to calm your mental Buzzard down. Once you’re in a more neutral, centered place, look for any hidden opportunities. Write down one or two potentially positive things that could come of this.

Writing them down vs. just thinking about them or typing them on your phone or computer is important, as physically writing something interrupts the conditioning and habits of the mind. Writing them down with your non-dominant hand is even better since it engages the often-underused side of your brain. It’s a great method for receiving creative insights about the perceived problem.

Our daily activities offer countless opportunities to notice how we react and to practice looking for the hidden opportunities. In fact, a few hours after I started writing this article, my computer suddenly stopped working. It was a chance to practice the very thing I was writing about: awareness and opportunity.

I noticed how my mind still wanted to frantically imagine a variety of worst-case scenarios if I weren’t able to recover all my files. When I ignored the mind and looked for the opportunity, I decided I was being forced to take a much-needed timeout from my computer. I suddenly had plenty of time to spend on other activities I had been putting aside because the computer work seemed more important and urgent.

If you have a problem in your life right now, take a step back, grab a piece of paper, and consider it with a wider and brighter lens. Get creative and brainstorm until you find at least two ways that situation might actually be a good thing. Look for the opportunity!

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About Karin Kiser

Karin Kiser is the author of ten books, including Unplug Your Robot: The Secret to Lasting Happiness and the international bestseller Lighten Your Load. She inspires individuals around the world to greater health and happiness by teaching them to reduce the physical, mental, and emotional toxins blocking their path. Download her free report, “The 5 Hidden Causes of Nearly Everything That’s Not Working in Your Life… And What to Do About Them,” on her website, https://KarinKiser.com.

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I Thought I Was Protecting My Peace, But I Was Just Avoiding Conflict

“Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky, but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable.” ~Brené Brown

If the title of this post gets under your skin, don’t worry, it gets under mine, too. I have a fierce aversion to conflict. That doesn’t mean I won’t engage in it, but it does mean that I’m very open to any suggestion that might give me license to not engage in it.

So, when I learned the phrase “protect your peace,” I found myself particularly drawn to it.

The concept of protecting your peace is one of conflict avoidance. It connotes the idea that some arguments are not worth having, and some people are just not worth arguing with.

Protecting your peace, in those cases, means choosing to disengage for the sake of your sanity. You end the conversation, block their number, and go no contact.

And believe me when I say there are literally so many circumstances in which this is the correct and proper route to take. I refuse to waste my breath on someone who isn’t listening—particularly if they’re also committed to causing me pain. I have found protecting my peace in those cases to be a very effective tool that I wield generously.

That said, l do sometimes wonder if the idea of protecting my peace has become an excuse to avoid any conflict—even the kind that I probably need to address head-on. It’s just so damn seductive to think of never having to tangle with other people. If someone hurts or disrespects me, I get to protect my peace!

I can just walk away without acknowledging what they did. I can even feel good about it because I’m protecting my peace, after all.

But what lesson am I teaching myself and others when I do that? What message does it send when I allow the idea of “protecting my peace” to turn me into a doormat for other people to step on? At what point does protecting my peace become disrespecting myself?

Almost three years ago, my husband and I separated and were on the brink of divorce. Our marriage had been through too many hardships for one couple to bear, and the anger and resentment we’d built up toward each other was destroying the steady love we once shared. We weren’t sure if separating could save the marriage, but we decided to give it a try.

During the six months we were separated, we both spent a lot of time in therapy confronting the ways we were both showing up negatively in the relationship. For me, it was stuffing my feelings and exploding later instead of speaking about them when they were still manageable.

In the name of “keeping the peace” I was fostering resentment, hostility, and even fury. My refusal to communicate my needs and feelings was poisoning both me and my marriage from the inside out.

What kept me silent was a simple yet devastating truth: I believed that speaking my needs and standing up for myself when things were difficult made me a cantankerous or difficult person. Perhaps, if I’m really honest, I didn’t think anyone would want to put up with me if I came with expectations—if I insisted on being treated the way I deserve.

So, I gulped down the burning tonic of hurt and disappointment and called it “protecting my peace.” Doing otherwise would have meant stirring up “conflict,” and if I created conflict, then why would my husband (or anyone, really) want to put up with me? By avoiding conflict, I could carry on pretending like everything was fine while I built a wall of resentment, one brick at a time, between me and the person I loved most in the world.

A very hard lesson I’ve only just begun learning is that sometimes standing up for myself is the route to peace. Sometimes holding people accountable for their behavior is how I teach them and myself what I’m worth. While avoiding conflict might feel good in the short term, in the long term it can have disastrous consequences for my self-esteem.

I can attest firsthand that it already has.

Not only that; extreme conflict avoidance can also affect my social well-being. Although conflict is never pleasant, conflict resolution can be very pleasant indeed. It’s what allows me to reclaim relationships, heal wounds, and grow together with the people I love instead of apart. If I let myself become too rigid in my conflict avoidance, I only stand to alienate ourselves from others. This is a lesson that, if I hadn’t begun learning sooner, would have cost me my marriage.

I am learning, slowly but surely, how to articulate my difficult feelings. I’m finally summoning the courage to say the hard things, to speak up when I’m hurt or upset, and to clearly and kindly say what I need instead.

In doing so, I am watching my relationships begin to thrive like never before. Most importantly, both through this work and the work my husband has done in his approach to our relationship, we have saved our marriage.

It’s not always easy. In fact, sometimes speaking up creates more discomfort in the short term than stuffing things down like I used to. But for once, I am finally showing up fully and authentically.

I have stopped swallowing poison and instead have begun giving myself the healing salve of self-expression. Despite the momentary discomfort that comes with allowing conflicts to come to the surface, the long-term joy of conflict resolution and mutual understanding always wins out.

I guess, like most things, protecting our peace without avoiding healthy conflict and dialogue is about finding balance (which, I’m learning, is a skill we appear to be losing as a society). We have to learn when to protect our peace, when to stand our ground, and how to know the difference between the two. For now, I have a few questions I ask myself when deciding which path to take.

This list of questions needs further thinking and perhaps some retooling, but here’s what I’ve got so far:

1) Is this person someone I want to remain in a relationship with?

2) Do I trust this person to listen to me if I share how they made me feel?

3) Do I think there might be long-term damage to my self-esteem and self-image if I let this go unaddressed?

4) Is it safe for me to engage in this conflict?

If the answer to these questions is yes, I will summon the courage to engage in the conflict. I know that the conflict still might not be resolved, but at least I’ve done my best. If the answer to these questions is no, I am better off protecting my peace and walking away.

Maybe I’ll schedule a phone call with a trusted friend or a session with my therapist to talk through my feelings about the situation. At least then I will get some validation and empathy, which will help me keep my self-esteem intact. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but with time, I do think having a system in place will help me find a balanced approach to handling conflict.

I owe it to myself to try. And so do you, dear reader.

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About Amber Wardell, PhD

Amber Wardell is a doctor of psychology and author who speaks on women’s issues related to marriage, motherhood, and mental health. Subscribe to her free newsletter to get exclusive content delivered to your inbox. Pre-order her book Beyond Self-Care Potato Chips: Choosing Nourishing Self-Care in a Quick-Fix Culture, releasing October 29, 2024. Check out her blog called Compassionate Feminism on Psychology Today to join a feminist conversation centered on openness, empathy, and equity. Follow Amber on Instagram, Threads, TikTok, & YouTube for more content!

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5 Tips for Updating Your Career and Life to Match Who You Are Now

“All you’re going to lose is what was built for a person you no longer are.” ~Brianna Wiest

I’ll admit it. I stayed in a failed marriage for five years past its expiration date. I got especially good at faking smiles in public and relegating myself to my laptop most evenings.

I also sentenced myself to a career that stopped “lighting me up” about a decade before I was ready to wave the white flag of surrender. As in my marriage, I refused to believe its end for ages and tried everything I could think of to keep this dying flame alive. I switched positions and teams, constantly created new goalposts for myself, changed organizations, and even moved to Asia well before I was willing to let my career go.

And one day, without warning, my sister called from New York to say that our beautiful mother had just crossed over to the other side. On that soft green couch in South Korea, thousands of miles from family, my already deeply unsatisfactory private life imploded. So did the carefully curated and adventurous-looking life that everyone on the outside saw. I was broken.

Please allow me a “real talk” time out, folks.

Can we discuss the importance of using our persistent feelings as signals, or guideposts? I’m not suggesting we throw out logic. I’m also not referring to our typically loud and fleeting reactions to everyday stressors. I’m talking about an instinctive knowing, the quiet kind that’s easy to ignore.

Though I routinely taught this to my own two children and students, my intellectualizing didn’t mean I was actually practicing what I preached. Not by a long shot.

Not until a powerful wave of grief swept the rug out from under me, that is.

Deeply empathetic and sensitive, with a mother who was a counselor, I grew up learning how to accept and validate my feelings. I knew to listen to them, to manage them when they didn’t serve me, and to use them to identify opportunities to learn more about myself. So, why on earth would I work so hard to hide them from my own conscious awareness for years when I knew my marriage and career were no longer right for me? I’ve got thoughts on that.

Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing kept me safely in a socially acceptable family structure.

Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing made it easy to receive invitations to holiday dinners with other international families while living abroad.

Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing allowed me to continue to make good money, feel successful as a professional, provide for my children, and travel to new countries a few times a year.

Perhaps it was because ignoring my feelings and deeper knowing had predictable, albeit routinely unpleasant, results.

Perhaps it was because I had no idea who I would be if I wasn’t a wife or a teacher.

But when my mother passed away, my entire world went dark. Suddenly, nothing else mattered.

Losing my mother was the single hardest experience of my lifetime. It was also the catalyst for my own wake-up call on multiple levels. And perhaps this was what my soul needed to remember how to seek what did matter, and to recognize my own fulfillment as worthy of sitting at the very top spot of that list.

Layers of grief forced me to experience feelings I’d been bottling up for years. Grief pressed me to listen to my feelings and to ask what there was to learn from the patterns in my life. It begged me to create the space and stillness to finally accept that the career and life I had built were ones I had long outgrown. It also prompted me to finally ask for help.

I wasn’t happy living a life I had built decades ago because I was no longer that person, and accepting this realization was empowering.

Eventually, and with the aid of some irrefutable signs from the universe and some excellent coaching, I gave myself permission to pivot from my profession. I could also see that my resistance to change had been the only true thing standing between me and a much more fulfilling life and career. Not anymore.

Loss is a beast. But on the other side of it, there is inevitably gain.

If you find yourself at a crossroads in life and crave a pathway for building something new to fit the person you have grown into, I have an annoyingly obvious secret to share. The only person capable of carving this way forward is you. And while this may feel like an impossible and unwelcome challenge, I venture to say that this fact could end up being your greatest gift.

What if you could see beyond the endings and revel in the endless possibilities ahead?

What kind of work and contribution to the world would you pursue if none of society’s imposed limits existed?

If money were no object, what would you spend your time doing.

What type of life do you want to build for yourself?

What would future you, nearing the end of their life, look back on and smile contentedly about?

While I can’t give you any of your answers, my own failures and aha moments have allowed me to compile the following tips for folks like you who may be approaching a career transition.

If you’ve decided your fulfillment should be at the top of your life list and you’re ready to update your career to match the version of you who is reading this today, try these five tips on for size.

1. Create some space or spaciousness before life creates it for you.

Once upon a time, before my whole world stopped with a single sharp loss, my mind loved wasting entire days on unimportant details of daily life. The state of constant busyness I tended to wrap myself in had allowed me to bury the deep feelings of restlessness and dissatisfaction lurking faithfully just below the surface.

My incessant thoughts were part of my unconscious “living” and were a big part of what prevented me from being aware, present, and authentic in my current reality. I thought my thoughts were me, but I was so far from the truth.

I may never have stopped this incessant mind-drivel had I not been handed Don’t Believe Everything You Think: Why Your Thinking Is the Beginning and End to Your Suffering by Joseph Nguyen.

It taught me that if I didn’t choose to actively create internal space by taking up daily yoga and meditation (or another practice), I never would have gotten to know who I truly was. And without that, how on earth would I have created a career shift to match the updated version of myself? (News flash: I would not have.)

If you choose just one item from this list to try before making a career shift, please let this be the one. Commit to one practice that creates spaciousness in your life and refuse to let go. Because if your new career is going to match the updated version of you, you have got to start with getting to know yourself. And you’ll only achieve this by making space and staying there a while, routinely.

2. Take stock of the childhood dreams you (mistakenly) labeled as fantasies.

What did you want to do when you were seven? You may laugh, but this question is so useful in helping us to see what our soul has always been drawn to do (at least, before society stepped in with all of its “shoulds”).

When we’re young children, we’re not nearly as caught up in our own minds as our adult selves are. As a result, we’re much more easily opened up to our purpose, our desires, and joy-seeking behaviors.

Make a list of the things you enjoyed doing as a seven-year-old. Do you still do any of these things today? Do any of these things appeal or inspire new, similar ideas? Take stock, and please don’t laugh them off. The key to a glorious, fulfilling future may lie in these former hobbies and interests.

3. See yourself for who you are now (not for who you used to be).

Let’s also be sure to get to know the person we have become today.

If nobody in your family could see into your ballot box for career-choosing, where would your vote go? We no longer need to please our parents! We’re adulting, after all. We aren’t here to please our spouses or our children either (though we can and should darn well love the heck out of them). We are here to please ourselves, and once that’s in place, well, you know the rest.

For some of us, asking people who are closest to us for feedback can really help to get the ball rolling, too. What do our closest friends or colleagues see as our key strengths and weaknesses? What do they notice us bringing to any room we enter? Keep the feedback that resonates and leave the rest.

4. Notice what fires you up.

What do you find yourself getting passionate (either intensely interested or completely annoyed) about? What could you spend your whole day doing (if life wasn’t always “lifing”)? What comes easily to you and allows you to feel in the flow?

Herein lie clues about your interests and passions, and potentially some of your core skills or gifts. What makes time fly by for you? What conversations do you find yourself drawn to or searching for?

What do you realize you stand for again and again, regardless of circumstances? What values does this reflect that you hold? Once you’ve answered some of these questions, check to see if the career paths you’re considering would complement, jive with, or fall right in line with at least one of these things.

5. Test out potential careers before jumping.

A change as big as a career shift warrants some personal research. And according to professional research, humans are pretty terrible at predicting what will make us happy. We’ve simply got to test our ideas out.

What if I told you that you could create some ways to test out potential career pivots before making them? Have you considered volunteer work? What about emailing every contact you have to ask if they know anyone working in the field who’d be willing to have a career curiosity call?

Could you come up with a project that would allow you to test out/try out new skills? What about a job shadow day? Have you considered cold messaging someone via LinkedIn who works in that field?

Whatever ideas you come up with will inevitably be better than simply jumping at your best guess. Get in there! Get creative. And get started on updating your life and career to match who you are today, not the person you were years ago when you created the life you’re still living now.

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About Alyssa Smith

Alyssa is a certified life purpose and career coach who came "home" to herself after a challenging wake-up call that led to multiple life and career pivots. Through a heart-centered, holistic approach, she supports her clients to reconnect with their inner knowing, upgrade their lives to align with their evolved values, skills, and desires, and ultimately land careers that light them up again. Grab her free resource 8 Questions to Nail Your Superpowers and Own Your Value today!

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Silent Storms: How Mindfulness Helped Me Reclaim My Self-Worth

“You can’t stop the waves, but you can learn to surf.” ~Jon Kabat-Zinn

We often hear about storms as powerful forces of nature, but for many of us, the most intense storms are the silent ones—those we battle internally. For me, this storm took the shape of bullying. While I appeared to handle the daily microaggressions and malicious rumors, inside, I was crumbling.

The bullying didn’t stop in high school; it followed me into adulthood. Every time I thought I had weathered the storm, another wave of hurtful comments would crash over me, leaving me feeling trapped and powerless.

The constant gossip, whispers, and passive-aggressive remarks from others chipped away at my self-worth. I questioned my value, wondering if I deserved the treatment. Was there something inherently wrong with me? Why was I the target of this relentless negativity? These thoughts haunted me for years, leading to a vicious cycle of self-doubt, anxiety, and fear of being judged.

At one point, the weight of all these feelings became too much to bear, and I sought counseling. It was in therapy that I first learned about mindfulness, a practice that would transform my life.

Mindfulness helped me confront the storm I had been carrying inside for years—the shame, hurt, and loss of self-worth brought on by years of bullying and mistreatment. Here’s how this practice helped me heal and reclaim my self-worth, and how you, too, can apply it to your life if you’ve experienced bullying, mistreatment, or any form of emotional harm.

How Bullying and Mistreatment Lead to Low Self-Worth

Bullying and mistreatment don’t just hurt in the moment—they can have a lasting effect on how we see ourselves for years.

Whether it’s gossip, exclusion, or direct harassment, these experiences erode our self-worth. We begin to question our value, internalizing the cruel words and actions of others. Over time, we might start to believe that we deserve the mistreatment, or that there’s something wrong with us.

This low self-worth can affect every aspect of our lives, from our relationships to our careers. We might shy away from opportunities, convinced that we’re not good enough. We might struggle to form meaningful connections, believing that we’re unlovable. The effects of mistreatment run deep, but they don’t have to define us.

Mindfulness, self-compassion, and community support can help us rebuild our sense of self. By acknowledging our pain, letting go of what we can’t control, and surrounding ourselves with people who lift us up, we can reclaim our self-worth and begin to see ourselves as deserving of love, respect, and kindness.

Acknowledge Your Pain and Validate Your Emotions

For years, I hid behind a mask of indifference. I convinced myself that the bullying didn’t affect me. I didn’t want to give my bullies the satisfaction of knowing they had hurt me. But in reality, each cruel word, each whisper, left a mark on my self-worth. The more I bottled up my emotions, the more they festered, eroding my sense of self.

The first step in my healing journey was acknowledging the pain and allowing myself to feel it. Through mindfulness, I learned that running from my emotions only gave them more power over me. Instead, I had to sit with them—feel the sadness, frustration, anger, and betrayal. I had to give myself permission to grieve the parts of myself I had lost to bullying. Only then could I begin to heal.

Tip: If you’re struggling with emotions from past mistreatment, take a moment each day to ask yourself, “What am I feeling right now?” Don’t judge yourself for feeling anger, sadness, or resentment—acknowledge these emotions and sit with them. By allowing yourself to feel, you can begin the process of healing.

Use Mindful Breathing to Regain Control

There were countless moments where the weight of gossip and harsh comments felt suffocating. I often felt powerless, lost in a spiral of negative thoughts. Every time I walked into a room, I felt like everyone was judging me, like they had already formed opinions about me based on lies. I didn’t know how to cope with the overwhelming feelings of shame and fear.

Mindful breathing became my anchor—a simple yet profound technique that helped me center myself in these overwhelming situations. Instead of allowing my mind to spiral, I learned to focus on my breath. It was the one thing I could control, even when I couldn’t control the rumors or the people spreading them. In those moments, mindfulness gave me back a sense of power and control over my emotional state.

Tip: The next time anxiety or fear begins to take hold, focus on your breath. Inhale deeply, paying attention to the air entering and leaving your body. This simple practice can bring you back to the present moment, offering a sense of calm and control when you need it most.

Build Self-Compassion to Heal the Hurt

For a long time, I let the words of others dictate how I saw myself. I internalized the bullying, believing that if so many people thought poorly of me, it must be true. I criticized myself relentlessly, convinced that I was not good enough, smart enough, or likable enough. The words of others had become the lens through which I viewed myself.

Mindfulness taught me the importance of self-compassion. I realized that I was treating myself far worse than I would treat a friend in need. Through this practice, I learned to be kinder to myself—to approach myself with the same care and empathy I would offer someone else who was struggling. Slowly, I began to rebuild my self-worth, not based on what others thought of me but on how I chose to treat myself.

Tip: Each day, write down three things you appreciate about yourself. Whether it’s a strength, a skill, or even just how you made it through a tough moment, these small affirmations can help rebuild your confidence. Self-compassion is a powerful defense against negativity, reminding you that you are deserving of kindness—especially from yourself.

Practice Letting Go of What You Can’t Control

One of the hardest lessons I had to learn was that I couldn’t control how others perceived me. I spent years trying to defend myself against rumors, trying to correct false assumptions people had about me. The more I tried to control the narrative, the more exhausted and frustrated I became. I realized that no matter what I did, some people would always see me in a negative light—and that wasn’t my responsibility to fix.

Mindfulness taught me that while I couldn’t control the rumors, I could control my response to them. I learned to let go of the need to be liked or understood by everyone. Instead, I focused on how I saw myself and how I wanted to show up in the world. Letting go of what I couldn’t control was liberating—it allowed me to focus on what truly mattered: my own peace of mind and self-worth.

Tip: Visualize the hurtful words—or, in my case, the hurtful people—as leaves gently floating down a stream. Observe them as they pass by, acknowledge their presence, but resist the urge to hold onto them. This practice allows you to create emotional space and frees you from being weighed down by things beyond your control.

Find Strength in Community

Healing doesn’t happen in isolation. While mindfulness was essential in my recovery, finding support from others played a significant role too. For years, I had isolated myself, afraid that opening up would make me vulnerable to more judgment. But through counseling and support groups, I realized that sharing my experiences with others who understood helped lift the weight I had been carrying.

Opening up to trusted friends, seeking professional help, and connecting with a community of people who understood what I was going through helped me regain my voice. It allowed me to shift the narrative that had been imposed on me, to reclaim my story, and to see myself not as a victim of bullying but as someone who had the strength to heal.

Tip: Don’t hesitate to seek help from others, whether through counseling, support groups, or mindfulness communities. Finding a group where people understand what you’re going through can provide both personal growth and emotional support, reminding you that you’re not alone.

Mindfulness Is a Lifelong Practice

Healing from mistreatment and reclaiming your self-worth is not an overnight process—it takes time. For me, mindfulness became the foundation of my recovery, and it’s something I continue to practice daily. By integrating mindfulness into my routine, I learned to navigate emotional challenges with grace and resilience.

Tip: Start small. Whether it’s taking a few moments of mindful breathing or journaling your emotions, every step helps you regain control. Remember, you are stronger than the words that hurt you. With mindfulness, self-compassion, and a supportive community, you can reclaim your self-worth—one step at a time.

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About Allicia Flemons

Allicia Flemons is a passionate school psychologist, advocate, and coach who embraces her neurodivergent identity. She founded Neuro-Empowerment to foster a vibrant community and empower others through group and individual coaching. Connect with her on Instagram at neuro.empower, visit www.neuro-empowerment, or call (972) 944-5959 to learn more.

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How to Cultivate Awareness and Presence, Two Powerful Tools for Healing

“The present moment is filled with joy and happiness. If you are attentive, you will see it.” ~Thich Nhat Hanh

In our fast-paced world, juggling multiple responsibilities while managing chronic conditions can make healing seem elusive. However, by harnessing the power of awareness and presence, we can unlock a profound path to recovery that addresses not just the physical symptoms but also the mental and emotional aspects of well-being.

My Experience with Chronic Pain

For a long time, I never really thought about my scoliosis. Not that I didn’t feel pain; it was ever-present and intensified by the demands of my busy career, family responsibilities, and a couple of car accidents.

As I climbed the corporate ladder and juggled family needs, I neglected self-care. Frequent pain flares forced me to take more time off from daily activities, leading me to realize that my struggles were not solely physical.

What began as occasional aches turned into never-ending pain accompanied by a fear of movement, leaving me bedridden and wondering how I had reached that point.

Desperate to change, I started researching the role of the brain and nervous system in processing pain. I learned that stress and anxiety can amplify pain signals, making discomfort feel more intense and persistent. Understanding this connection became crucial to my healing journey.

I soon realized that healing required more than merely managing or controlling symptoms; it involved understanding and changing the patterns contributing to my pain.

For years, I tried various treatments and therapies, but the relief was often temporary. Recognizing specific patterns—like dealing with stress, pushing through activities, and failing to fuel my body—became key to my recovery.

Mindfulness and presence emerged as powerful tools in this journey. At first, mindfulness didn’t come easily; my busy mind was adept at conjuring up ideas and plans, leaving me unaware of my ability to quiet those thoughts. However, after years of internal chatter, I found freedom in stillness.

Over time, I noticed how this practice allowed my body to rest. By embracing mindfulness, I transformed my relationship with pain.

The Mind-Body Connection in Healing

To truly understand the importance of awareness and presence in healing, it’s essential to recognize the intricate connection between our minds and bodies. Neuroscience has shown that our thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations are deeply intertwined, forming a complex feedback loop that can either perpetuate illness or promote healing.

When we’re constantly caught up in the whirlwind of daily life, rushing from one task to another, it’s easy to disconnect from our bodies. This disconnection can lead to a lack of awareness of the subtle signals our bodies send us, potentially exacerbating existing health issues or creating new ones. By cultivating awareness and presence, we can tune into these signals and respond appropriately, setting the stage for healing.

The Role of Awareness in Healing

Awareness is the foundation of any healing journey. It involves consciously paying attention to thoughts, emotions, and physical sensations without judgment. This practice has been essential in my own healing process, allowing me to:

• Identify patterns: By becoming aware of habitual thoughts and behaviors, I’ve been able to recognize patterns that contribute to pain or discomfort.
• Detect early warning signs: Increased body awareness helps me notice subtle changes in my physical state, allowing for earlier intervention and prevention of flare-ups.
• Understand triggers: Awareness helps me identify environmental, emotional, or situational triggers that may exacerbate symptoms.
• Recognize the impact of stress: By tuning into my body’s stress responses, I’ve learned to manage stress more effectively, reducing its negative impact on health.
• Make informed choices: Increased awareness enables better decisions about diet, activities, and self-care practices.

Cultivating Presence for Healing

While awareness is about noticing, presence is about fully engaging with the present moment. Being here now, without getting caught up in worries about the future or regrets about the past, has been crucial in my healing journey because:

• It reduces stress: When I’m fully present, I’m not ruminating on past pain or anticipating future discomfort, which significantly reduces stress and anxiety.
• It enhances body-mind communication: Being present allows me to listen more closely to my body’s signals and respond with greater compassion and understanding.
• It improves pain management: I’ve found that mindfulness and presence can alter pain perception and increase pain tolerance.
• It boosts the effectiveness of my movement practice: When I’m present during exercises, I’m more likely to stay and feel my body and derive maximum benefit.
• It fosters a sense of agency over my life: Presence empowers me to take an active role in healing, rather than feeling helpless or overwhelmed by my condition.

Practical Techniques for Cultivating Awareness and Presence

Over time, I’ve developed several techniques that help me cultivate awareness and presence. These practices have become essential tools in my healing journey:

1. Mindful Breathing

Setting aside five to ten minutes each day to focus on my breath helps me stay connected to the present moment. I notice the sensation of air moving in and out of my nostrils, the rise and fall of my chest or belly, and gently bring my attention back to my breath when my mind wanders.

2. Body Scan Meditation

This practice involves systematically focusing attention on different parts of the body, from toes to the top of the head. It’s an excellent way to increase body awareness and identify areas of tension or discomfort.

3. Pain Reprocessing Techniques

Chronic pain is often maintained by the brain’s learned neural pathways rather than ongoing tissue damage. By bringing awareness to my pain and reframing my relationship with it, I’ve begun to rewire these pathways. Observing pain with curiosity rather than fear or frustration has helped reduce the emotional charge associated with it.

 4. Mindful Movement

Incorporating mindfulness into physical activities enhances body awareness and promotes healing. Whether it’s gentle yoga, tai chi, or simply paying close attention to my body during daily activities and walking, mindful movement has become a key part of my routine.

 5. Emotional Awareness Exercises

Developing emotional awareness has helped me manage stress and anxiety more effectively. Throughout the day, I check in with my emotions, asking myself how I’m feeling and where I feel this emotion in my body.

 6. Mindful Eating

Applying awareness and presence to my eating habits has improved digestion, helped me make healthier food choices, and fostered a better relationship with food. During meals, I eat without distractions, paying attention to the colors, smells, textures, and tastes of my food.

7. Daily Gratitude Practice

Cultivating gratitude shifts my focus from what’s wrong to what’s right, promoting a positive mindset that supports healing. My morning journaling practice includes writing down three to ten things I’m grateful for. This practice helps bring my awareness to the present and the positive aspects of my life.

Integrating Awareness and Presence into Daily Life

While dedicated practice times are valuable, I’ve found that the real power of awareness and presence comes from integrating them into daily life.

One way I’ve done this is by using daily activities as mindfulness anchors, choosing routine activities, like brushing my teeth or daily walking, to practice full presence and awareness.

I’ve also created transition rituals, using the moments between activities (like getting in and out of the car) as cues to take a few conscious breaths and center myself.

Lastly, I engage my senses whenever possible. Regularly, I take a moment to notice what I can see, hear, smell, taste, and feel. This simple practice quickly brings me into the present moment.

Overcoming Challenges

Cultivating awareness and presence isn’t always easy, especially when dealing with chronic pain or the demands of daily life.

Whenever I think I don’t have time, I remind myself that even a few mindful breaths can make a difference. Starting small and gradually increasing practice time has helped.

When my mind won’t stop racing, I remind myself that this is normal. The goal isn’t to stop thoughts but to notice them without getting caught up in them. I gently redirect my attention to my chosen focus (like my breath) whenever I notice my mind has wandered.

And when it felt too uncomfortable to focus on my body in the beginning due to the pain I was experiencing, I started with brief periods and focused on neutral or pleasant sensations, gradually building up tolerance for being present with discomfort.

—

Awareness and presence are powerful tools in the healing journey. By cultivating these practices, I’ve transformed my relationship with pain, fatigue, and anxiety, allowing me to reclaim my life and fully engage in the activities I love. Healing is not just about alleviating symptoms; it’s about reconnecting with the body, understanding its needs, and responding with compassion and wisdom.

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About Agnes Szymczak

After a debilitating chronic pain journey, Agnes helps busy moms with scoliosis and arthritis break free from pain, fatigue and anxiety and reclaim their lives so that they can keep up with their kids, travel and have energy to do what they love. She now supports others in regaining agency over their health and understanding their unique needs so that they may lead their version of a healthy life. You can connect with Agnes on her instagram @thesimplebeautifulwellness or website https://www.thesimplebeautifulwellness.com/ to grab your free resources.

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Upcoming Retreat for Highly Sensitive People and Introverts

Have you ever taken a trip to recharge but then returned feeling drained? If you’re a highly sensitive person (HSP) or introvert—or both, like me—you might yearn for the adventure and relaxation that travel can provide but struggle to find experiences that honor your energetic needs.

Perhaps also like me, you’ve been intrigued by the idea of a retreat but worried that it could be overwhelming, with packed schedules and pressure to constantly engage. Even many wellness retreats miss the mark, leaving little room for personal time and different ways of participating.

Imagine a retreat that allows you to connect with like-minded people and experience new places—all in a way that respects your needs and celebrates diversity. 

Tiny Buddha contributor and sponsor Melissa Renzi offers retreats that are thoughtfully designed to create a supportive environment where HSPs and introverts can embrace their strengths, build genuine relationships, and form meaningful connections with the communities they visit.

With spacious schedules that include time to rest and group agreements that overtly honor each person’s needs, Melissa’s retreats invite you to slow down and be yourself. All activities are fully optional, and taking time to listen to your needs is encouraged.

There’s a special kind of peace in connecting with others who get you. You feel seen and validated. It’s a chance to recognize your own strengths mirrored in those around you.

Melissa’s retreats blend gentle yoga, nature-based expressive arts, and cultural learning to foster deeper connections with yourself, others, and the natural world. She collaborates with partners who are dedicated to the well-being of their local ecosystems and communities. Her aim is to leave a light footprint and create a culture of care and reciprocity where participants engage as mindful visitors rather than mere tourists.

If you’re ready for a retreat that honors who you are, values authentic connection, and offers a gentle pace of travel in a beautiful setting, Melissa’s upcoming trip to Guatemala is a perfect option.

As a ‘thank you’ to Tiny Buddha readers, she’s offering a rare discount of $150.00 off this unforgettable experience with code TINYB150 (through Oct. 31st). 

Join Melissa’s 6th Guatemala HSP & Introvert Retreat coming up February 1-8, 2025.

This eight-day / seven-night retreat is designed to connect you to the land, hearts, and culture of Guatemala through immersive learning about traditional foods, agricultural practices, and weaving techniques.

You’ll also be invited to nurture your body and mind with daily yoga, along with plenty of alone time to relax or choose your own adventures, amidst stunning volcanic backdrops.

The trip begins with two nights in the small city of Antigua, where you’ll have time to meander through colorful streets and baroque architecture. Just outside Antigua, you’ll take a gentle hike through a coffee farm where growers will share the entire production process from seed to brew. After the tour, you’ll hear their stories over a home-cooked traditional lunch.

After Antigua, you’ll spend five nights at an eco-retreat center overlooking Lake Atitlán. You’ll visit small villages to learn about natural dyes and textile weaving at a women’s cooperative and join an interactive cooking journey through Mayan cuisine with Melissa’s friend Anita—an experience that leaves a lasting impact on everyone who meets her.

Guatemala is a special place for Melissa. It’s where she held her first retreat in 2016. It’s also where she began her journey of solo travel, learned to speak Spanish, and expanded her view of herself and the surrounding world. She’s designed this retreat so that you too can connect with the heart of Guatemala.

If I weren’t knee-deep in the responsibilities of parenting young children, I’d be booking my flight right now! But alas, I’ll have to live vicariously through you, dear reader who decides to take advantage of this wonderful opportunity.

You can join Melissa’s sixth Guatemala HSP & Introvert retreat, scheduled for February 1-8, 2005, here. Don’t forget to enter code TINYB150 to get $150 (offer valid through 10/31).

Want to learn about Melissa’s other retreat opportunities? Check out her other international and U.S. retreats here.

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people overcome internal blocks to meeting their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.

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How I’m Learning to Live with Anxiety, Not Against It

“Your anger? It’s telling you where you feel powerless. Your anxiety? It’s telling you that something in your life is off balance. Your fear? It’s telling you what you care about. Your apathy? It’s telling you where you’re overextended and burnt out. Your feelings aren’t random, they are messengers. And if you want to get anywhere, you need to be able to let them speak to you and tell you what you really need.” ~Brianna Wiest

For half of my life, anxiety has been my constant companion. I went from a confident, fiery, and fearless girl to a woman plagued by self-doubt and paralyzed by fear.

My struggle with anxiety began in college. A sudden shift in my living situation flipped a switch in my brain, leaving me unrecognizable to myself. I found myself living in a toxic environment with roommates who caused so much chaos that I no longer felt safe in my own home.

This constant state of unease triggered the anxiety that would follow me for years. Instead of acknowledging it, I tried to outrun it. I looked outward for solutions, turning to the law of attraction and other quick-fix spiritual practices, but they only made me feel worse about myself.

Chronic stress and anxiety wreaked havoc on my body. I experienced severe digestive pain, tingling in my hands and feet, dizziness, nausea, and a myriad of other symptoms. I sought help from doctors, naturopaths, and specialists, but no one could find anything wrong with me.

Deep down, I couldn’t accept that anxiety might be the cause. I convinced myself that there had to be something seriously wrong with my health. Because I didn’t acknowledge that anxiety was behind it all, the symptoms only intensified.

I would go months without symptoms, only to be hit by a new wave of terrifying sensations. The anxiety always returned, stronger than before. It felt like a never-ending cycle.

Then, COVID-19 hit, a perfect storm for my anxiety. Not only was I navigating a global pandemic with a young child, but we were also in the middle of building a new home—a process delayed by the pandemic. We were moving to a completely different city, living out of boxes in a rental house while waiting for our new home to be completed.

My anxiety surged as I dealt with virtual school for our six-year-old. And then came the most devastating news: My mother was diagnosed with bladder cancer.

My parents moved into the rental house with us because their house had flooded. Watching my mom deteriorate from cancer only intensified my anxiety. My mother’s diagnosis wasn’t the only encounter I had with cancer; it started to feel like it was everywhere. The constant presence of illness and death heightened my anxiety, making me hyper-aware of every ache and pain.

Insomnia became my nightly companion, lasting nearly a year. Some nights, I wouldn’t sleep at all.

Anxiety about not sleeping became as overwhelming as my general anxiety. As bedtime approached, my chest grew heavy with dread. I cried all night, feeling utterly alone. When the world sleeps and you’re wide awake, the loneliness is crushing. It was just me and my millions of thoughts.

Desperate to shut off my brain, I turned to a nightly glass of wine. I tried various supplements, but they only wreaked havoc on my body, causing my liver enzymes to rise and bringing a host of other health issues.

Anxiety didn’t just change me; it affected every part of my life, especially my marriage. My husband, who was always calm and patient, started to become stressed and short-tempered because of my constant worry and fear.

My anxiety created tension between us, and we were no longer the carefree couple we once were. Our conversations often revolved around my fears, and I could see how much it was weighing on him.

As a mother, my anxiety took away the joy of being with my son. Instead of enjoying time with him, I found myself snapping at him, my patience worn thin by the constant state of unease I was in.

I spent every day researching, desperate to find a magic cure. I tried cognitive behavioral therapy, tapping, and affirmations. But nothing worked. Though CBT has helped many, it wasn’t right for me.

Trying to replace my negative thoughts with positive ones felt like plastering over cracks in a crumbling wall. The positive thoughts didn’t feel genuine; they felt like a temporary mask.

Then I discovered Jon Kabat-Zinn. His books became my lifeline, introducing me to mindfulness and meditation. Slowly, these practices became a part of my daily life. I learned to befriend my emotions instead of running from them or burying them deep inside.

I invited my anxiety to tea and listened to her worries. I hugged my fear and told her she’s not weak. I asked my anger what she’s holding onto and allowed her to scream and cry. I wrote letters to each of my emotions, and they wrote back.

We cried together, and for the first time, my emotions felt seen and heard. I was no longer afraid of them; they became a part of me—a part of what makes me human.

For the past five years, meditation and mindfulness have been my anchors. No, they haven’t cured my anxiety, but they’ve changed my relationship with it. Anxiety no longer controls my life. Instead of spiraling into panic, I ask myself, “What am I feeling? Where in my body do I feel this emotion?”

These simple questions ground me, bringing me back to the present moment. By labeling the feeling, I strip away much of its power. I tell myself, “I’m feeling anxious, and that’s okay.” I repeat this until I feel calm.

Sometimes, I even picture my anxiety as a physical presence—a person who needs love, patience, and understanding. I ask this person, “What do you need at this moment?” More often than not, the answer is simple: love.

My anxiety, like all emotions, wants to be recognized, to be heard without judgment. Sometimes, it just needs a moment to be, to exist without being pushed away.

Another tool that has been incredibly helpful for me is the STOP method by Jon Kabat-Zinn. Whenever I feel anxiety creeping in, I pause and STOP: Stop what I’m doing, Take a deep breath, Observe what’s happening inside and around me, and then Proceed with awareness. This simple technique helps break the cycle of anxious thoughts, grounding me in the present moment.

I believe all our emotions seek acknowledgment and understanding. They want to be recognized without judgment. Sometimes they just need a moment to breathe, to exist in a safe space where they can shift from overwhelming to understood. They want to know you won’t abandon them but rather guide them gently toward clarity.

Looking back, I realize that anxiety has changed me in ways I never expected. It has made me more empathetic toward others who are struggling with their own battles. I’ve learned that everyone is carrying something heavy, even if they don’t show it on the outside.

My anxiety has also taught me the importance of self-compassion. I used to be my own harshest critic, but now I’m learning to be kinder to myself, to give myself the grace to be imperfect.

Even though I’ve learned tools to manage my anxiety, it’s still a part of my life. There are days when the anxiety feels overwhelming, and the old fears creep back in. On those days, I remind myself that healing isn’t a straight line—it’s okay to have setbacks.

When I feel the familiar wave of anxiety, I turn to the practices that I’ve learned. Mindfulness, the STOP method, and self-compassion. I let myself feel what I’m feeling without judgment, and I focus on small, actionable steps to bring myself back to the present moment.

What keeps me motivated is knowing that I’ve come this far. Every setback is a chance to practice the tools I’ve learned, and each time I do, I’m reminded of my strength and resilience. My journey with anxiety is ongoing, but with each day, I grow more capable of handling whatever comes my way.

Your emotions don’t define you—they are a part of you. A sign that you are alive and deeply human. Embracing them, rather than battling them, has brought me peace, and I hope it can do the same for you.

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About Holly Hatam

Holly Hatam is a 3X New York Times bestselling illustrator known for her work on books like Dear Girl and Dear Boy. She’s worked on over 30 books and sold over 1 million copies worldwide. Her art is inspired by her passion for mental health awareness and aims to comfort and inspire those who struggle with anxiety and ups and downs of life. Holly also works in animation, bringing her empathetic and imaginative worlds to life. Visit her at hollyhatam.com and on Instagram and YouTube.

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The Toughness Myth is a Lie: Hang On To Your Vulnerability

“Sensitive people should be treasured. They love deeply and think deeply about life. They are loyal, honest, and true. The simple things sometimes mean the most to them. They don’t need to change or harden. Their purity makes them who they are.” ~Unknown

I can picture it perfectly—I was a freshman at the University of Notre Dame. It was my first semester at the school I’d dreamed of attending ever since I was a little girl. Everything felt new, and as I did the make-new-friends dance, I was hyperaware of how others perceived me.

Standing in line to purchase football tickets with a group of girls from my dorm, I was listening intently to the conversation of intelligent humans discussing current events (Obama was running for president).

I was suddenly reminded of a distressing image I had seen that morning of a family sitting outside of their home that had been foreclosed on due to the financial crisis. I blurted out, “I get so sad when I read the news. It can really just break my heart.”

Suddenly, I felt the energy in the circle shift. There was no immediate response, and it was silent for what felt like an hour. One of my new acquaintances broke the silence, saying, “Wanna know what makes me happy? Have you guys been watching Grey’s Anatomy?” The conversation changed, and I stood in line, ashamed and not understanding why.

If this scenario sounds familiar, you might possess the trait of emotional sensitivity. Emotional sensitivity is a term used in Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT) to describe a trait that causes individuals to feel more often and intensely.

In other words, if you are emotionally sensitive, you feel a lot. Many people who identify as highly sensitive people (HSPs), empaths, and super feelers possess this trait. Emotional sensitivity is a genetic quality. The research indicates that if you are sensitive, you will carry this quality throughout your life.

Sensitivity and Openness

Emotionally sensitive folks tend to be more open and vulnerable than their non-sensitive peers. Many of my clients have been told that they “wear their heart on their sleeve” or are “too honest.”

As an emotionally sensitive person, I relate so deeply to the experiences of my clients. As a young girl, I wanted to share my thoughts, worries, and excitement with the world around me.

I remember that when I was twelve years old, I went to a beach in Santa Barbara with my family. I spent the whole day playing with a girl I had met—building sandcastles, doing somersaults into the waves, and catching and releasing sand crabs.

When I returned to my parents to eat a sandy peanut butter and jelly sandwich, my dad said, “You make friends with someone anywhere we go.” This statement was validating; I liked being told that I was friendly.

In high school, I was notorious for making situations “awkward” because I would instinctively call out dynamics as I perceived them (and, let’s be honest, so many high school dynamics are awkward).

In college, I was curious about the experiences of my peers and encouraged openness in conversations; as a result, I frequently stood in the corner at parties having a “heart-to-heart” with a peer (who I realize now was probably also a fellow emotionally sensitive person).

It’s safe to say that the people in my life were not shocked when I became a psychologist.

When Society Squashes Your Vulnerability

I find that many clients share similar stories of a childhood of openness. So… what’s the “problem” with this tendency?

Sensitive people feel that, over time, they have lost this capacity to be vulnerable and authentic. As children, they approached life with openness and curiosity, but as adults, they often feel closed off and disconnected from their emotions.

I believe this phenomenon is a result of the society we live in. In many cultures, we value “strength” over sensitivity.

In their book Sensitive: The Hidden Power of the Highly Sensitive Person in a Loud, Fast, Too-Much Word, Jenn Granneman and Andrea Solo describe this attitude as The Toughness Myth.

These authors, who both identify as HSPs, explain that sensitive people attempt to hide their temperament because they have been taught that “sensitivity is a flaw, only the strong survive, being emotional is a sign of weakness, empathy will get you taken advantage of, the more you endure, the better, [and] it’s shameful to rest or ask for help” (p. 25).

In other words, emotionally sensitive people receive both explicit and implicit messaging throughout their life that reiterates, “Don’t be vulnerable.” Who wants to lead with openness when you are going to get teased for it?

Additionally, during childhood, many emotionally sensitive individuals learn that their natural openness is frequently misunderstood. They may feel they do not totally “fit in,” and the awkward silences at parties or the subtle moments of invalidation are frequently internalized, which results in profound feelings of shame.

This shame can, over time, lead emotionally sensitive people to suppress their feelings (oftentimes through unhealthy means) or wear a social mask to “fit in.”

Emotionally sensitive people find that the only way to “be strong” is to resort to maladaptive behaviors, such as substance use, eating disorder behaviors, overworking, or avoidance. The behaviors may help to numb feelings in the short term. The act of suppressing feelings can be so automatic that you may not even be aware that it is happening. The problem is that when we shut off our emotions, we also lose the ability to be vulnerable.

A Reminder: Your Vulnerability Rocks

When you consider the Toughness Myth, it is understandable that you, as an emotionally sensitive person, might feel yourself becoming less open over time.

We exist in a society that often misunderstands or outright rejects vulnerability. When your natural openness is met with invalidation, it can really sting. It can be extremely painful to share something deeply personal, only to have people walk away or say, “Keep that to yourself” or “stop worrying so much.” It is not surprising that a wave of shame might wash over you after experiencing these moments of invalidation over and over again.

I write this article to remind you that, despite some of the messages you have received, your vulnerability is an incredible strength.

Brené Brown, a psychologist who is well-known for her research on vulnerability and shame, reminds her audiences that vulnerability is the birthplace of love. Your ability to be vulnerable is what also allows you to feel a sense of belonging.

When you are open, you demonstrate courage in a society that may not understand that vulnerability allows us to build spaces characterized by joy, empathy, and creativity. When you allow yourself to be vulnerable, you open up the possibility of deeper connections and more authentic interactions.

I know it may sound a little cheesy, but I truly believe that your vulnerability is what can make this world a better place. Hold onto that, no matter what the haters say.

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About Mary Kate Roohan

Dr. Mary Kate Roohan is a clinical psychologist, drama therapist, and the founder of Thrive and Feel, a therapy practice in Pasadena, California. Utilizing a blend of Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT), Dialectical Behavior Therapy (DBT), Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), and creative arts therapy techniques, she helps emotionally sensitive people gain back a sense of control over their lives. She is especially dedicated to working with queer feelers and is committed to creating a healing space for each individual she works with.

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