A Beautiful Reminder of How Powerful We Are

“No kind action ever stops with itself. One kind action leads to another… A single act of kindness throws out roots in all directions, and the roots spring up and make new trees. The greatest work that kindness does to others is that it makes them kind themselves.” ~Amelia Earhart

When you’re having a particularly rough day, it’s tempting to hang your head in defeat and conclude it’s a cruel world where nothing matters. I had a day like that last month.

A good friend was diagnosed with a horrendous disease. The horse I had been training with for years was sold and relocated across the country with almost no notice. A shady car mechanic almost had me convinced to replace four perfectly good tires.

All this in one day.

Yet that’s not all that happened that day.

I also went to the bank to use the cash machine. I hadn’t been to that location in months. When I arrived, there was a security guard outside. I said hello. It seemed like he recognized me as having been there before. I completed my transaction and started walking back toward my car. And that’s when the security guard said, “When’s the next free hug day?”

As it turned out, he remembered me from several months ago when I was wearing a t-shirt with Elmo on the front and the words “free hugs” in big letters. At that time, I had completely forgotten I was wearing that shirt. In fact, I was so caught up in my thoughts that day that I didn’t even notice the security guard standing there until I heard a voice say, “I’ll take you up on that shirt.” That was months ago.

That small act of kindness—a single hug several months ago—had made an impact. I was getting a beautiful reminder of that now.

So when the security guard asked, “When’s the next free hug day?” I immediately snapped out of my defeated state of mind and cheerfully answered “every day,” and we hugged for the second time.

“Thanks, I needed that,” he said. And I guess so did I.

That’s the power of one person. Each of us has within us the potential to make a positive impact on the world.

We don’t need to start a non-profit or donate all our possessions to charity (although those things are awesome) to make a difference. Making a positive difference can happen with our every thought, word, and action—no matter how small.

My interaction with the security guard at the bank was a beautiful reminder that something as small and fleeting as a hug, a smile, or a kind word can have a profound and lasting effect.

“There’s no such thing as a small act of kindness. Every act creates a ripple with no logical end.” ~Scott Adams

The truth is, we’ll never know just how far the ripples of one small kindness extend. Maybe that initial hug with the security guard months ago put him in a more lighthearted mood for the rest of the day, which influenced how he interacted with his family that evening, which in turn influenced their actions and outlook the next day, and so on, and so on.

Maybe the second hug reminded him that the world is full of friendly people, and all that it takes is a tiny, initial gesture to break the ice.

“The very nature of kindness is to spread. If you are kind to others, today they will be kind to you, and tomorrow to somebody else.” ~Sri Chinmoy

Although we can never know just how far the goodness of one kind act can spread to others, what we can experience firsthand are the effects a kind act has on ourselves. Studies have repeatedly shown that the person doing the kind act receives as much benefit to their mood and outlook as does the receiver—oftentimes even more so.

What’s more amazing is that this double benefit is not limited to our kind words and deeds. It applies to our thoughts as well.

That’s right. Our thoughts are powerful. The quality and quantity of our thoughts affect our physical, mental, and emotional health.

That’s why things like the placebo effect work. If we wholeheartedly believe the sugar pill the doctor gives us is a powerful medicine to help what ails us, our body will respond according to that belief. Our thoughts directly influence how our body functions.

Our thoughts also extend out to others.

Because thoughts, like everything else, are energy, they are broadcast nonstop, twenty-four hours a day, to everyone and everything around us. That’s why things like distant healing and prayer groups can promote healing and positive change. When two or more people synchronize and focus their thoughts, the positive effects are magnified.

Even in our day-to-day activities, our thoughts have an impact on others. Although we may not be able to read the mind of the sales clerk who approaches us in the store, for instance, on some level we can feel them.

Our body senses the energy fields of others.

That’s how we are able to get an immediate sense of someone when we meet them for the first time. Even before either person says a word, we receive an energetic impression of that person. Whether that first impression is positive or negative has a lot to do with their (and our) thoughts.

We live in an interconnected, interdependent universe. My interaction with the security guard at the bank that day was a beautiful reminder of this.

So, while we may often feel alone or distracted in this increasingly busy world, it is empowering to realize we can connect with anyone, anywhere, with our thoughts, our words, and our actions. All it takes is intention and attention. That’s how powerful we are.

We can set an intention to embody kindness and compassion and be a positive force in the world. Then we can give it attention by regularly monitoring our thoughts to ensure they are in alignment with our intention to be the best version of ourselves.

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About Karin Kiser

Karin Kiser is author of ten books, including Unplug Your Robot: The Secret to Lasting Happiness and the international bestseller Lighten Your Load. She inspires individuals around the world to greater health and happiness by teaching them to reduce the physical, mental, and emotional toxins blocking their path. Download her free report, “The 5 Hidden Causes of Nearly Everything That’s Not Working in Your Life… And What To Do About Them” on her website https://KarinKiser.com.

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50 Ways to Show Gratitude for the People in Your Life

“Feeling gratitude and not expressing it is like wrapping a present and not giving it.” –William Arthur Ward

The holiday season generally brings us closer to people. Sometimes that closeness reminds us how much we love each other. Sometimes it reminds us that we drive each other crazy, as family often does.

At the heart of it, Thanksgiving in particular calls us to see people with the deepest appreciation for the gifts they’ve given us. Some gifts are more immediately obvious than others—the type that come with praise, affection, and genuine esteem.

Others push us, stretch us, test us, and make us wonder if there’s anything to be grateful for at all.

There’s no denying that certain relationships are more challenging than others, but through each we have an opportunity to grow and help others do the same. Every relationship teaches us something about loving, trusting, forgiving, setting boundaries, taking care of ourselves, and taking care of each other.

From the people who love you, to the people who challenge you, to the people who support you at work, here’s how to show your gratitude.

Show Gratitude to People Who Love You

1. Share a specific example of something they did for you and how it made a difference in your life.

2. Do something little but thoughtful for them—like clean up after Thanksgiving dinner!

3. Give a long, intimate hug; or if you know they don’t like hugs, stick out your hand for a handshake to cater to their preferences and make them smile.

4. Tell them you’re there if they have anything they want to talk about—and let them know they have your full attention.

5. Give them something of yours that you think they would enjoy, and let them know specifically why you want them to have it.

6. Invite them to do something you know they’ve always wanted to do.

7. Encourage them to try something you know they want to try but haven’t yet because they’re scared.

8. Offer to do something you know they don’t enjoy doing, like organizing their closet or mowing their lawn.

9. Compliment them on a talent, skill, or strength that you admire.

10. Look them straight in the eyes and say, “You make the world a better place.”

Show Gratitude to People Who Challenge You

11. Fully listen to what they have to say instead of forming your rebuttal in your head and waiting to speak.

12. Thank them for introducing you to a new way to look at things, even if you still don’t agree.

13. Pinpoint something you admire about their commitment to their beliefs—even if you don’t hold them as well.

14. Resist the urge to tell them they’re wrong.

15. Challenge them right back to be the best they can be, with love and positive intentions.

16. If they inspired you to push outside your comfort zone, thank them for inspiring you to take a risk, and let them know how it paid off.

17. Write a blog post about how they helped you see things differently and dedicate it to them.

18. Use the lesson this person teaches you through your interactions, whether it’s patience, compassion, or courage.

19. Introduce them to someone who may challenge them and help them grow, as they’ve done for you.

20. Let them know how you appreciate when they challenge you in a loving, non-confrontational way—and if they don’t do that, be calm and kind when you ask them to do that going forward.

Show Gratitude to People Who Serve You

21. Give a larger tip than usual.

22. If they have a tip jar, include a thoughtful note of appreciation along with your coins or bills.

23. Smile when you order or enlist their assistance. Smiles are contagious, so give one away!

24. If they serve you regularly, acknowledge something they always do well—like work efficiently or stay calm under pressure.

25. Exhibit patience, even if you’re in a hurry.

26. Let their supervisor know they do an outstanding job.

27. Keep their workplace clean—for example, at a coffee shop, clean up after yourself at the sugar stand.

28. Offer to get a coffee for them, if it’s someone working in or outside your home.

29. If you have their contact information, send an email of appreciation—and let them know you just wanted to express your gratitude, so they don’t need to write back.

30. Praise them in a review on Yelp and/or recommend them to people you know.

Show Gratitude to People Who Work with You

31. Write a handwritten thank-you note, acknowledging things you value about them and their work.

32. Offer to lighten their workload in some way if you are able.

33. Bring back lunch for them if you know they’re working hard and likely haven’t had a chance to grab something.

34. If you’re running a meeting, keep it short to show them you appreciate and respect their time.

35. Ask them about their lives instead of always being all business. This doesn’t mean you need to pry into personal matters; it just means showing an interest in who they are as people.

36. Be the calm, light voice in a stressful situation.

37. Give them flowers to brighten their desk.

38. Let their boss know how they’re doing a great job and contributing to the company.

39. Listen fully if they’re having a difficult day, and recognize if they need space to figure things out on their own, not advice or help.

40. Remember that the little things can make a big difference!

Show Gratitude for Yourself

41. Make a list of ways you’ve impressed yourself lately.

42. Treat yourself to something you enjoy, like a pedicure or a massage.

43. If someone compliments you, thank them and let them know you’re proud of that skill, talent, or accomplishment.

44. Compliment yourself—say it while looking in the mirror, write it in a journal, or jot it on a sticky note and put it on your refrigerator.

45. Give yourself time to enjoy a passion you’re sometimes too busy to fit in.

46. Take an inventory of all the good things you’ve done for other people and the world.

47. Write yourself a love letter. Seriously, start with “Dear Lori” (but insert your own name) and describe all the things you admire about yourself.

48. Let go of any conditions you have for being kind to yourself—meaning you appreciate even if you didn’t accomplish or do anything specific.

49. Schedule a date with yourself—an afternoon or evening that’s all about you.

50. Share the beauty that is you with the people around you, knowing they’re fortunate to have you in their lives.

I am fortunate to have you in mine. You make the world a better place!

**If this post seems familiar, it’s because it’s an older one that I’m assuming is new to many of you. I decided to re-share this today to lighten my load while visiting my family for Thanksgiving. Tomorrow we’ll return to newly published posts!

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others do the same. She recently created the Breaking Barriers to Self-Care eCourse to help people overcome internal blocks to meeting their needs—so they can feel their best, be their best, and live their best possible life. If you’re ready to start thriving instead of merely surviving, you can learn more and get instant access here.

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Because I Lost My Mom: 6 Gifts I Now Appreciate

“The only thing you sometimes have control over is perspective. You don’t have control over your situation. But you have a choice about how you view it.” ~Chris Pine

I had a happy, carefree childhood up until a point. I remember lots of giggles, hugs, and playfulness. One summer, as we were sitting in my grandmother’s yard enjoying her homemade cake, my mum’s right hand started trembling.

My worried grandmother encouraged her to eat, but her hand continued to tremble. I remember her troubled look. She must have sensed something was wrong.

Just three months later, she was gone. Acute leukemia meant that on Monday she received the results of a worrying blood test, on Wednesday she was admitted to the hospital, and by Friday she had died. I was only ten years old.

My aunt broke the news to us that Friday afternoon by saying, “Your mum has gone to the sky.”

If I were to explain what the news of her passing felt like, I would say it was like being hit by lightning. I’ve read that in cases of sudden death, children can stay stuck in some sort of confusing reality: They hear what happened and react to the news, but they don’t quite comprehend it. Somehow, deep inside, they don’t really believe it.

In my case, and for years following my mum’s death, I thought that she had gone to the sky, but that she would come back. It was just a trip, or a bad joke.

She would most definitely come back.

As you might be guessing, I did not get much support in dealing with my grief. On the contrary, the message I got was that life should go on. That a page had turned, but the preceding pages weren’t worth reading.

This is also how all the adults around me acted. So, even though lightning had struck me, I simply stood up and continued to walk, despite all the invisible damage it had done.

The wake-up call to locate that damage and try to repair it came years later when I started experiencing health issues that my doctors said were linked to chronic stress. That’s when I finally decided to face my grief. My young adult body was giving me a clear sign: There were too many unprocessed emotions, desperately needing to find a way out.

Once I allowed myself to finally feel that my heart had been shattered in a million pieces, I started putting those pieces together and redefining who I was.

If my life were a book, grief would be the longest chapter. When I meet someone for the first time, I almost feel like saying, “Hi, I’m Annie, and my mum suddenly died when I was ten.” That’s how much it defines who I am.

Negatively, you might think.

Indeed, her absence still causes tremendous pain. I never felt this more than when I had my own children a few years ago. Becoming a mother does not mean that you stop being a daughter who needs her mother. You also become a mother who would like her children to have a grandmother.

My mother is not there to spoil my daughters, and they will never get to know her. There is no one I can ask to find out how I was as a baby. She isn’t there to listen to my worries or fears while I navigate parenthood.

I still get a ping in my heart when I see ten-year-old girls with their mums, seeing myself in them and re-living the immensity of such a loss. And as I am approaching the age she was when she died, I’m terrified that I will share the same fate and that my girls will grow up without me.

Nevertheless—and I know this might sound contradictory, but aren’t grief and life full of contradictions?—in many ways, her absence has also been a gift.

Thanks to her:

–I fully embrace the idea “live every day as if it is your last” because I know that there is a very real possibility that this day might indeed be my very last. While you might think this means living life with fear, quite the opposite is true. It means living life full of appreciation, gratitude, and love for this body that is still functioning, for the people around me, and for life itself.

–I choose to be truly present with my children and close ones and cherish deep relationships because I want to make the time we spend together count. If the memories we are creating are shorter for whatever reason, let them be powerful.

–I have a job that gives me a deep sense of purpose and meaning because anything else would make me feel like I am wasting precious time that I don’t necessarily have. I’m honored to be making a difference in other people’s lives by helping them think differently about their lives and helping them through their own grief. I make it my goal to share my gifts with the world while I live on this planet.

–I am (relatively) comfortable with the challenges that life throws at me. When you survive after the tragedy of losing a parent, you don’t sweat the small stuff as much. I still find myself getting upset by little things like anyone else, but I’m able to quickly change my perspective and realize that many of the things that upset us are not as important as we first think.

–I know that I cannot control life because life is utterly uncontrollable. In fact, I was a control freak for years, trying to make sure nothing tragic would ever happen to me or my loved ones again, until I realized that this was a reaction to my mum’s passing. I now know this isn’t a way to live life, and that is liberating.

–I take care of my health to feel good in my body, not because I want to live until I’m 100, but because I want to live well. I don’t want my days to be filled with the common ailments that people usually accept, such as headaches, brain fog, or digestive issues. I can only enjoy life fully if my body is allowing me to do so.

If you have experienced early loss but cannot possibly imagine feeling anything positive about it, there is nothing wrong with you. I am sharing my story to perhaps inspire you or even give you comfort.

Perhaps all you can do right now is stay open to the possibility that at some point in your life, you might be able to see things in a similar way. Ultimately, the path of grief is entirely unique.

Would I wish early loss on anyone? Never.

Has grief made me happier? Perhaps.

Has it made me wiser? Definitely.

Just as a friend once told me, “You can’t appreciate light without the shadows.”

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About Annie Xystouris

Annie Xystouris is a certified health coach and Positive Intelligence® coach who helps stressed out and overwhelmed mums feel calm and fulfilled, preventing burnout. She offers one-on-one coaching services online. To find out more, go to www.anniexystouris.com.

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How Embracing What I Resisted Healed Me from Chronic Illness

“What you resist not only persists but will grow in size.” ~Carl Jung

Ever since I was diagnosed with Lupus at the age of five, my life has felt like a never-ending struggle against fatigue, pain, and a myriad of symptoms. Despite trying numerous treatments and medications when I was younger, I never felt truly vibrant. My body seemed perpetually at war with itself, leaving me exhausted and unfulfilled.

Multiple flares often took me away from school and friends. I wondered why I couldn’t just live a childhood free of pain and suffering, like the other kids.

I struggled with wanting things to be a certain way and feeling a loss of control, which just catapulted me right into trying to control everything around me, leading to more distress and flaring my symptoms.

It was a vicious cycle.

Over the years, I clung to various diets and therapies, hoping to find relief. I tried all the diets and countless lifestyle changes. It felt like it had to be all or nothing. If I wasn’t doing it right 100% of the time, then it wasn’t going to work.  But no matter what I did, the relief was always temporary, and my health issues continued to overwhelm me.

The pandemic pushed me to a breaking point, intensifying my symptoms and bringing severe ringing in my ears and debilitating dizziness. It was a wake-up call, a moment of clarity where I recognized that I could no longer continue battling my body in the same way. I knew I needed a different approach to truly heal.

I found myself at a crossroads.

If what I was doing wasn’t working, what if everything I critiqued, ridiculed, and judged was exactly where I needed to go? And exactly the medicine I needed?

I realized it was time to address my emotions and subconscious beliefs. Even if it didn’t get me anywhere or I still decided it wasn’t for me, I could always walk away from it. I had to be willing to try, because clearly this way of living was keeping me in pain, fatigued, miserable, and unhappy.

I discovered that healing wasn’t solely about managing symptoms; it was about transforming my entire approach to life and how I viewed my condition. The turning point came when I realized that resisting my condition only made it persist and grow. By embracing all that I was resisting—both my condition itself and the emotions that often triggered it—things started to open up.

Breaking Free from Stagnation

Stagnation often stems from clinging to familiar patterns that no longer serve us. The comfort of the known and the fear of the unknown can trap us in cycles of merely managing symptoms without achieving real progress. Recognizing when we are stuck is crucial; it requires the courage to step outside these patterns and embrace change.

On my journey, I found myself clinging to overthinking and rationalizing instead of just feeling my feelings of fear, anxiety, and insecurity. This kept me stuck in a spiral of thoughts without ever taking any action. I also noticed that I was very critical of others and recognized that this was a sign of how critical I was being with myself.

Often, breaking free from stagnation comes at a rock-bottom moment in our lives, when we can admit to ourselves that our normal mode of doing things just. Isn’t. Working! These rock-bottom moments often bring a deep awareness into our lives where our current state in life comes into crystal clear focus. This awareness may be the catalyst for change, but how do you keep the momentum going?

Building your muscle of awareness and weaving that into your life and all that you do is the key.

To break free, start by evaluating your current routines, habits, and patterns of thought. Are they truly helping, or are they just familiar routines that provide only temporary relief? Are they just soothing activities so you can tell yourself you are doing something while keeping yourself stuck on the hamster wheel?

Observing your thoughts and behaviors without judgment will allow you to be a witness to yourself and make changes without attachment.

In my own journey, as I built awareness, I found a key aspect to success was to meet myself where I was. It is easy to fool ourselves into thinking we need to change overnight or to want results immediately. But pushing for this just keeps us stuck longer and removes any joy we may get from the journey.

On my own journey, I found that being present and feeling grateful in the small moments was key—like taking a breath over a lovely cup of matcha, or simply enjoying the warm breeze on my face. When it all felt overwhelming, I could come back to the present and appreciate whatever I was doing in that moment. I still find great comfort in these small moments.

It’s not about perfection, but progress. The more fun and curiosity we can have, and the more we move toward that which truly inspires us, the easier and faster we will evolve and heal.

The Power of the Subconscious Mind

Our subconscious beliefs shape our reality far more than we often realize. When we resist acknowledging the role of our subconscious, we may inadvertently reinforce limitations and barriers to our healing. By exploring and reprogramming these deep-seated beliefs, we can start breaking free from self-imposed limitations.

For instance, if you see yourself as a chronic illness patient, this identity can persistently shape your experience and interactions. Shifting your self-perception to that of a vibrant and capable individual can transform how you engage with the world and yourself. Easier said than done, I know; I’ve been there. But the more you work on identifying, uprooting, and reclaiming what you want to believe, the easier the transformation will become.

As my identity evolved from being a victim of illness to a vibrant individual, my healing process accelerated, and life opened up in even more ways than I had ever dreamed of. I was more connected with loved ones around me and more empathetic, and dreams I had desired for ages were suddenly appearing in my life without effort.

Finding Safety in the Body

In many circles of healing, they talk about the power of mindfulness and meditation. I have a deep respect for these modalities, and they have their place in a healing journey—mine included.

When I discovered somatic work, a form of therapy that uses mind-body techniques to help people release stress, trauma, and tension, it felt like my healing unlocked. For years, I felt as though my body was a battleground, constantly waging war against itself. This persistent sense of threat and discomfort made it difficult to heal effectively.

Finding, exploring, and embracing feelings of safety and trust in my body allowed me to address not just the symptoms but the root causes of my distress. Engaging in somatic work—focusing on feeling to process and then release emotions stored in my body—was transformative, magical even. This approach helped me understand that healing involves both mental and somatic dimensions.

By creating a sense of security and comfort within myself, I was able to support my body’s natural healing processes more effectively. Embracing the nonlinear nature of healing, understanding that progress comes in waves, and finding peace in my body were crucial for moving from mere survival to a state of thriving.

—

Reflecting on my journey, I realize that true healing from chronic illness demands more than just managing symptoms—it requires a fundamental shift in how we approach life.

My battle with Lupus taught me that resisting my condition only made it persist, while embracing change allowed me to find real progress. By breaking free from stagnation, reprogramming my subconscious beliefs, and finding safety within my body, I discovered a transformative path to well-being.

Ultimately, this journey showed me that healing is a dynamic, non-linear process involving both mind and body. Embracing these insights allowed me to move from mere survival to thriving with renewed vitality and joy. The path to healing, though not without its ups and downs, proved that embracing what we resist can lead us to exactly that which we most desire.

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About Elizabeth Lo Serro

Diagnosed with Lupus at age five, Elizabeth Lo Serro has spent over twenty years mastering how to live vibrantly despite symptoms like arthritis, vasculitis, and brain fog. As a Certified Integrative Nutrition Health Coach, she now helps overwhelmed women with Lupus alleviate fatigue, pain, and rashes and grow beautiful hair again so they can feel energized, resilient, confident, and radiant. Discover free resources and learn more at revelinghealth.com.

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“Am I the Narcissist?” How to Tell If It’s You

“Narcissism is voluntary blindness, an agreement not to look beneath the surface.” ~Sam Keen

Have you ever found yourself wondering, “Am I the narcissist in this relationship?” If so, you’re not alone. This question can feel heavy and unsettling, especially if you’ve spent years tangled in a toxic dynamic. The more you try to figure things out, the more confusing it becomes.

But here’s something to hold onto: The very fact that you’re asking this question is a sign that you probably aren’t narcissistic.

Am I the Narcissist?

Victims of narcissistic abuse often find themselves questioning their actions, replaying conversations, and overanalyzing their behavior. Meanwhile, the real narcissist rarely, if ever, stops to consider whether they might be at fault.

Why? Because self-reflection is not in their nature. Narcissists are too wrapped up in protecting their fragile egos and carefully crafted personas to even entertain the idea that they might be the problem.

So, if you’ve been second-guessing yourself, it’s time to stop. The very act of self-reflection shows that you’re capable of empathy and accountability—two traits a true narcissist lacks.

My Story

Throughout our thirty-year marriage, my ex-husband would, out of nowhere, accuse me of cheating. It was absurd. I wasn’t cheating—never had, never would. But time and again, he’d cast doubt on my every move, picking apart my behavior as if it were proof of something sinister. Each confrontation left me baffled. I wasn’t having an affair—I didn’t even have the time or energy for that!

So why would the man I loved constantly question my loyalty?

I convinced myself it had to be my fault. Maybe I wasn’t doing enough as a wife, and that’s why he felt so insecure, so suspicious of me.

At the time, I had no idea I was married to a narcissist. I didn’t understand how narcissists operate, or how they twist reality. More importantly, I didn’t realize how they manipulate you into believing that you’re the problem, not them.

“Mirror, Mirror on the Wall… Am I Perfect After All?”

Narcissists have their own version of the enchanted mirror from Snow White—only, instead of seeking the truth, their mirror feeds them the comforting lie they desperately want to hear: “You’re perfect, flawless, and never at fault.”

This is where narcissistic behavior thrives. While you’re stuck analyzing your every move, they’re busy basking in the reflection of their own grandiosity.

More Than Being Self-Centered

Narcissistic Personality Disorder (NPD) isn’t just about someone being self-centered. It’s a deep-rooted personality disorder defined by traits like an inflated sense of self-importance, a desperate need for admiration, and a shocking lack of empathy. Narcissists wear masks of confidence, but underneath, they’re terrified of facing any feelings of inadequacy.

So why don’t they ask, “Am I the narcissist?”

They Can’t Handle the Truth

The truth is, they can’t handle the answer. Their egos are protected by layers of defense mechanisms—denial, projection, and a refusal to accept responsibility. Admitting they might be flawed would shatter the fragile image they’ve built, and that’s not something a narcissist is willing to risk.

Meanwhile, people like you—who have empathy and care deeply about relationships—are naturally prone to self-reflection. You take accountability for your actions and genuinely want to improve, which is exactly why you’re asking yourself tough questions. And while you’re busy looking in the mirror wondering what you can do better, the narcissist? Well, they’ve already convinced themselves they’re the fairest of them all.

A Truth Revealed

Eventually, I uncovered the ugly truth—my ex-husband wasn’t just accusing me out of insecurity; he was projecting his own guilt. He had cheated on me—multiple times. In fact, over fifty times.

In his twisted logic, he’d convinced himself that if he could pin an affair on me, it would somehow clear his conscience. But when his accusations didn’t stick, he switched tactics, offering up three audacious claims:

1. His cheating was my fault because I didn’t satisfy him.
2. I should be grateful he “only” cheated physically, and never emotionally.
3. I needed to stay quiet about it because everyone would just blame me anyway (he was just looking out for me, of course).

What didn’t I hear? An apology. Not even close.

Instead, I was bombarded with deflections, denials, and outright lies.

He tried to flip the narrative—suddenly, I was the bad guy. According to him, I was the narcissist because I couldn’t see how “wonderful” he was. I was being stubborn for staying angry when forgiveness, in his eyes, was the obvious solution. And his lies? They were all to protect me, because, of course, he was such a “great” person.

Classic narcissist move.

The Narcissist’s Tactics: Dodging Responsibility Like a Pro

Narcissists are experts at shifting the blame, turning the tables, and making you question your reality. When things start to fall apart, they’ll do anything to avoid being the “bad guy,” and instead, they’ll paint you as the problem. Let’s break down some of their go-to tactics:

Projection: “You’re the one who’s selfish!”

Narcissists often accuse you of the very behavior they’re guilty of. It’s called projection, and it works to distract you from their faults while making you feel responsible. You might hear things like:

• “You’re so controlling!”
• “All you care about is yourself!”
• “You’re the one who’s toxic, not me!”

This clever tactic puts you on the defensive, and before you know it, you’re questioning your own behavior instead of seeing theirs for what it is.

My narcissist projected his own guilt onto me, twisting reality to fit his narrative. He even had the audacity to “forgive” me—just in case I had cheated and wasn’t confessing to it. In his mind, he was the noble one, magnanimously overlooking my imagined sins, while I was painted as the villain. He created an alternate reality where he was the hero and I was the problem.

Blame Shifting: “I wouldn’t act this way if you didn’t push me!”

Blame shifting is another favorite tool. Narcissists twist situations to make their reactions seem like your fault. They’ll say things like:

• “If you didn’t make me so mad, I wouldn’t have yelled.”
• “I only lied because you wouldn’t understand.”
• “You always make me act this way.”

By blaming you for their behavior, they avoid taking responsibility and leave you feeling guilty for things you didn’t cause. Narcissists blur the lines between what’s right and wrong, often making you feel like you can’t do anything right.

My ex-husband didn’t just blame me for his cheating—he actually tried to twist the situation so he could get praise for his behavior.

During therapy, we uncovered that he was addicted to porn, and that addiction warped his entire view of what a healthy relationship should look like. Once the label of “addict” was slapped on him, he leaned into it, casting himself as the real victim and expecting me to be more understanding and accepting of his choices.

Even now, he refuses to take any responsibility. Instead, he continues to shift the blame onto me, parading his addiction as an excuse while claiming victimhood.

Emotional Manipulation: “You’re the reason this relationship is falling apart.”

Narcissists love to emotionally manipulate you into feeling like you’re responsible for every problem in the relationship. They’ll use guilt and shame to keep you doubting yourself. Expect phrases like:

• “I’m trying my best, but you keep ruining everything.”
• “This is all on you. I’ve done nothing wrong.”
• “If you don’t change, this will never work.”

By making you feel overly responsible, they deflect attention from their own toxic behavior and keep you stuck in a cycle of self-blame. Narcissists train you to question yourself so often that it becomes second nature.

After enduring narcissistic abuse, it’s no wonder you’re left feeling confused and full of self-doubt. Narcissists are masters at eroding your sense of self, making it hard to trust your own judgment.

When my narcissist first cautioned me not to share the news that he was a cheater, I was drowning so thoroughly in his contrived world that I believed the lie that other people would blame me for his cheating. How messed up is that?

Clear Signs You’re Not a Narcissist

Self-Awareness

You recognize when something is wrong, and you’re willing to reflect on your words, thoughts, and actions. Narcissists, on the other hand, never admit fault.

Empathy

You genuinely care about others’ feelings and how your behavior impacts them. Narcissists lack this trait entirely.

Willingness to Change

You’re open to feedback and want to grow. A narcissist resists any form of personal growth or accountability.

Time to Stop Questioning and Start Healing

It’s time to put the doubts to rest and start focusing on your healing. You’ve spent too long in the shadow of someone else’s manipulation, but now it’s your turn to reclaim your sense of self.

1. Recognize the manipulation.

Acknowledge that the doubts and self-blame you feel are the result of narcissistic tactics, not reality.

2. Rebuild your self-esteem.

Start setting healthy boundaries and practicing self-compassion. You are worthy of kindness—from others and, most importantly, from yourself.

3. Seek support.

Don’t be afraid to reach out to a therapist or a support group. Surround yourself with people who validate your experience and can guide you through your healing process.

The very fact that you’re reflecting, questioning, and growing means you are not the narcissist. You deserve to trust yourself and live free from self-doubt. Start rebuilding your life, and remember—healing is not only possible, but you are already on your way.

I Am Not a Narcissist!

After years of living in the shadow of my ex-husband’s narcissistic abuse, I’ve finally stepped into the light—reclaiming my self-confidence piece by piece. It wasn’t easy. It took time, energy, and relentless effort, but I got here by following three crucial steps: recognizing, rebuilding, and reaching out.

First, I recognized the manipulation for what it was. Then, I began the long process of rebuilding my shattered sense of self. But the most important part? I reached out. My friends and therapists became lifelines, helping me see the truth and guiding me toward healing.

Now, it’s your turn.

Time to Believe in Yourself

If you’ve been asking yourself, “Am I the narcissist?” it’s a strong indication that you are not. It’s time to trust yourself again. You’ve been through the emotional wringer, but now you have the chance to reclaim your confidence and rebuild your self-worth.

Healing from narcissistic abuse is a journey, but every step you take brings you closer to a life free from manipulation and self-doubt. Remember, you are not the problem—you are capable of change, growth, and, ultimately, healing.

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About Lilly Strong

Lilly Strong is the creator of the LillyStrong blog and Youtube channel I Am Lilly, I Am Strong. Take a look at the Unveiled Narcissistic Abuse series, Magnet for Narcissists,  Signs of Narcissistic Abuse, and How to Respond to 25 Gaslighting Phrases.

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Why I Stopped Measuring My Pain Against Others’ Suffering

“A history of trauma can give you a high tolerance for emotional pain. But just because you can take it doesn’t mean you have to.” ~Dr. Thema

I just returned from a walk with a dear friend—one of my favorite ways to catch up and socialize. This particular friend has endured significant challenges, especially over the past year. She faced the immense loss of her pets and many of her possessions in a devastating house fire.

The ensuing tsunami of grief and pain pushed her through a tumultuous year filled with deep suffering and intense healing efforts. All the while, she juggled supporting her son without a partner, working full time, and navigating the complexities of temporary housing and an insurance claim.

Witnessing her journey was heart-wrenching, but it also highlighted the remarkable strength and resilience of the human spirit. Today, she shared a profound insight: After confronting her greatest fears and being forced to sit with them, she emerged feeling lighter and less burdened by future uncertainties.

I could see how true this was by her soft but resolved demeanor, the ease in her movements, and her willingness to risk joy again by adopting a new dog and reconnecting with friends.

The Trap of Trauma Comparison

Yet, one recurring theme in our conversation stood out to me: She often mentioned that others have survived much worse. This idea, while empathetic, raises an important issue. It seems to suggest that comparing our trauma to that of others can be a way to diminish our own pain and find gratitude for it not being worse.

An effective way to gain perspective? Yes. But a mindset like this can also undermine our right to fully heal and acknowledge the internal impact of our own struggles.

I understand this tendency well. Years ago, I broke down in a dental office after learning that I required surgery. The dentist, trying to offer perspective, compared my situation to those facing life-threatening illnesses. While I appreciated the attempt to provide context, it did little to address my immediate emotional experience.

Looking back, I was certainly holding something energetically that needed attention, but I didn’t have the awareness to look at it. Plus, the dentist’s comment brought forward some shame for reacting in that way, so it was in my interest to move past it as quickly as possible.

The Origin of Leveraging Comparison to Manage Pain

At the time, the inclination to feel guilty for my reactions wasn’t a novel thing for me. I lived with a deep sense that entertaining negative feelings was excessive and undeserved because I was healthy, I was an only child, and I was privileged in many ways.

I grew up at a time when parents often used comparison in their well-intentioned parenting strategy to raise unentitled children. I’ll give you something to cry about… There are starving children in Africa… Don’t be so sensitive… Do you know how good you have it? In my day…

Even in my own parenting, I’ve been guilty of shaming my children for their feelings—a regret I can only reckon with by trying to do better now.

The unfortunate truth is that all humans experience pain, and the depths of what is born of that pain can never be fully apparent from an outsider looking in. The real danger of comparison is that it often leads to the notion that trauma is solely about the external events we face rather than the internal impact they have on us.

The Nature of Trauma: Big T vs. Small T

Ryan Hassan, a trauma expert, provides a helpful metaphor to differentiate between what is often termed “Big T” trauma—such as war, abuse, or profound loss—and “Small T” trauma, which includes smaller prolonged experiences over time, like bullying or emotional neglect.

Imagine someone damaging their knee in a car accident versus someone injuring it over years of repetitive strain. The knee injury might be different in its origin, but the damage and healing process are fundamentally similar. The same applies to trauma. Whether it stems from a single catastrophic event or ongoing micro-events, the internal impact can be equally profound and deserving of attention.

In addition, our ability to metabolize trauma when it happens depends a lot on the support systems and safe relationships we can turn to at the time we experience something terrible. While this is partly circumstantial, the fact that two people who experience an identical trauma can move through it completely differently—one person becoming an addict and the other a motivational speaker, for example—highlights how the external nature of the trauma is not a measure of its impact but rather the capacity an individual has for coping with it at the time.

My friend’s trauma would certainly be classified at Big T, but even knowing that, her tendency is to compare her experience with even Bigger Ts than her own in an attempt to diminish all she has done to come through the experience.

The Unique Journey of Each Individual

It has taken me most of my life to fully grasp that each person’s journey through trauma is uniquely their own. Our paths are shaped by the survival adaptations we’ve developed to protect ourselves in response to various life experiences that have triggered fight, flight, fawn, or freeze responses. Those responses lead to energetic imprints, which are held in our body and must be included in our healing work.

Each painful experience, whether acute or chronic, holds the potential for profound healing, learning, and personal growth.

The Missteps of the Medical Model

Years ago, I was deeply troubled to hear about another friend who was told by her doctor that she should be “over” her father’s passing by now after she randomly started to cry at her checkup when she mentioned losing him the year before. This kind of dismissal, especially from a medical professional, underscores a critical flaw in our conventional approach to trauma.

While radical acceptance of our circumstances is essential, the energetic aspect of trauma—often dismissed as “woo woo” in medical circles—plays a crucial role. This unaddressed energetic component can manifest in various physical and mental symptoms and require a different kind of intervention.

Dr. John Sarno’s concept of the “symptom imperative” describes how symptoms rooted in repressed emotional energy shift and appear in new forms until they are resolved at a deeper level. For instance, resolving one symptom like plantar fasciitis might lead to another issue, such as migraines, if underlying trauma remains unaddressed.

Exploring Comprehensive Healing Approaches

We are fortunate to live in an era with diverse options for trauma processing. Methods such as craniosacral therapy, somatic movement, Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing (EMDR), Emotional Freedom Technique (tapping), and traditional Eastern practices like acupuncture and chakra balancing offer various ways to address trauma. Creative arts therapy and journaling are also valuable tools. Recognizing the need for these approaches is key, as symptoms often persist until we confront their deeper origins.

Giving Ourselves Permission to Heal

My friend’s journey exemplifies the remarkable resilience of the human spirit in the face of profound trauma. But when she mentioned a skin condition that recently came out of nowhere and doctors couldn’t seem to diagnose, it signaled to me that perhaps there may be an aspect of her healing that isn’t getting the attention it’s calling for.

While society’s understanding of trauma is evolving, we still need reminding that healing is not about comparing our pain but about honoring our personal journey, understanding that our experiences are valid, and listening to the wisdom of our body in the symptomatic language it uses to communicate.

As we continue to expand our awareness and options for healing, may we all make the time and space to fully process our pain, cultivate our resilience, and move forward with a renewed understanding of what it means to be a whole human living within a complicated and messy human experience.

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About Natasha Ramlall

Natasha Ramlall is a trauma-informed mind-body health practitioner. She helps individuals see their pain in a new way which moves them into more evolved levels of mind-body health, wholeness and healing. To learn more or work with her, visit humanistcoaching.ca and get her curated playlist Love, Natasha to nudge your nervous system back into balance when you’re having one of ‘those’ days.

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5 Practical Tips for Overcoming the Pressure to Do More

“In the midst of movement and chaos, keep stillness inside of you.” ~Deepak Chopra

There was a time in my life when chaos seemed to have the upper hand. I tried so hard to keep things together, but it felt like the more I tried to control things, the more they spiraled. I had goals and dreams, sure, but the stress of not being “there” yet always consumed me.

I remember one night sitting on the edge of my bed, feeling completely drained. I’d just had a tough conversation with a close friend, one of those exchanges where every word hits harder than the last. It wasn’t about the conversation itself; it was about what it represented—a mirror reflecting my own struggles with self-worth.

I had been so busy chasing success, comparing my progress to others, and pushing myself to meet society’s invisible benchmarks that I lost sight of what was truly important.

That night was my breaking point. I realized I wasn’t living for myself anymore—I was living for everyone else’s expectations. I felt like I was stuck in a loop, playing the same scenes over and over, always waiting for the big “win” to feel validated. It was time for a shift, but the problem was, I had no idea where to start.

The Lucky Meeting that Changed Everything

Around this time, I had a chance encounter with a hypnotherapist. I was skeptical, but something about their approach intrigued me, and I decided to give it a try. That session introduced me to the alpha state—a state of deep relaxation and mental clarity that I had never experienced before.

The alpha state became my sanctuary. It felt like being connected to a deeper part of myself, a place where the chatter of my mind quieted down, and I could simply be. The hypnotherapist guided me to let go of control, to trust the process, and to embrace a state of calm presence. It was in this space that I realized how much of my life I had been living on autopilot, constantly reacting to external pressures.

This lucky meeting wasn’t just a one-time experience—it was a turning point. I began incorporating practices that allowed me to access the alpha state on my own, using self-hypnosis techniques and guided visualizations to reconnect with my core. The more I practiced, the more I noticed a shift in how I approached challenges. Instead of reacting from a place of stress, I began responding from a place of clarity and calm.

The Power of Stillness Amidst the Chaos

That moment of stillness became the key to everything. I realized I had been running at full speed, not because I had to, but because I believed that slowing down meant failure. But stillness isn’t defeat; it’s clarity. By taking a step back, I began to see how much of my stress was self-created—driven by unrealistic timelines, external comparisons, and the pressure to “have it all together.”

In that pause, I asked myself a question that changed everything: “What if my worth has nothing to do with my achievements?”

I realized that taking breaks from the stress of constant striving slowly relieves the pressure to do more. Connecting with our true selves through stillness allows us to recalibrate and find peace without needing to chase validation. We can trust that we’re enough, just as we are, without having to “do” more to prove it.

Breaking the Loop

My first practical step? Setting boundaries with myself. I started by noticing when I was acting out of fear or the need for approval. Each time I felt that pang of “I’m not doing enough,” I reminded myself to stop and breathe. This simple shift allowed me to recognize that my worth is inherent, not something to be earned or proven.

One of the biggest lessons I learned from this period of my life is that peace doesn’t come from achieving more; it comes from accepting where you are. I had to stop running on autopilot and start listening to myself. That meant embracing my flaws, imperfections, and everything in between.

Practical Tips for Overcoming Self-Pressure

1. Create space for stillness.

Set aside time every day where you’re not actively doing anything. Just be. This is a chance to reconnect with your true self, away from the noise of social media, emails, or to-do lists.

Taking intentional breaks allows us to relieve the pressure of constant striving and remember who we are beyond our achievements.

2. Catch your inner critic.

Notice your thoughts, especially when you’re feeling overwhelmed. Are you being overly critical of yourself? If so, take a step back and try reframing those thoughts with compassion.

Remember, kindness toward yourself isn’t something you need to earn—it’s a choice available to you at any time. And remember, too: You are not your thoughts, and you are not your feelings. They are simply passing experiences, not reflections of who you are.

3. Shift from achievement to alignment.

Instead of measuring success by what you’ve done, focus on how aligned you feel with your values. When making a decision for your future, ask yourself, “Am I being true to myself?”

This helps you connect with your deeper purpose rather than chasing goals that may not truly fulfill you.

4. Celebrate progress, not perfection.

Give yourself credit for the small wins. Life isn’t about checking off boxes; it’s about growth and evolution. Celebrate the fact that you’re on the journey, learning and evolving with each step.

5. Stay present.

When we focus too much on future outcomes, we lose sight of the present moment and end up missing out on life. Practice being present by grounding yourself in the here and now. Whether it’s through mindfulness, meditation, or simply taking a deep breath, presence is your most powerful tool.

The Journey Back to Yourself

Through this process, I discovered that real peace and fulfillment come when we stop defining

ourselves by external success. It’s about knowing that you are enough as you are right now. This doesn’t mean giving up on growth or ambition—it means allowing those things to evolve naturally, rather than forcing them to fit a specific timeline or expectation.

The lesson here? Your worth isn’t tied to your achievements or productivity. You don’t need to “prove” anything to anyone. Sometimes the most important thing we can do is pause, reflect, and trust that we’re exactly where we need to be.

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About Krystal Rosa

Krystal Rosa is a cognitive coach, NLP practitioner, and founder of the Mind Mastery Society. She helps individuals realign with their purpose and unlock their full potential. You can find more about her work at krystalrosa.com.

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The Silent Struggle: When Saying “No” Is Not That Simple

“The first step toward change is awareness. The second step is acceptance.” ~Nathaniel Branden

I vividly recall a morning when my son was just five years old. My husband wanted to leave the country we were living in again, this time to escape what he believed was the imminent collapse of society due to COVID.

After years of constant relocations, I had finally started to build a community of friends, my son was settled in school, and I was beginning to feel some sense of normalcy. But he couldn’t stand it. My growing independence seemed to threaten him, and I could sense his unease.

His anxiety about the constantly shifting COVID situation only seemed to intensify his need for control. Approaching me in the kitchen with an intense expression, he declared, “We need to leave the country now, before they close the borders for good,” his voice sharp and urgent. I knew that his desire to relocate us to a non-English-speaking country would not only deepen my isolation but also render me wholly dependent on him once more.

“No, I don’t want to move again,” I responded cautiously. My heart raced as I braced for his reaction. I had experienced this countless times before, moments where a simple “no” would set off a storm.

Sure enough, the guilt-tripping began immediately. “You care more about your friends than your own family,” he snarled, his words filled with contempt. “You’re just selfish, and you’re too scared to see the truth.” He knew exactly how to manipulate my emotions and to make me feel small.

For weeks, he harassed me about the move, following me around the house and bombarding me with articles on “government control.” Eventually, he involved our son in the manipulation. “Wouldn’t you love to move to a warmer country with lots of beaches?” he asked our child. “Tell Mummy how much you want to go.”

The High Cost of “No”

The cost of saying “no” was always too high. It wasn’t just the exhaustion of defending my decisions, but the way he would target my self-worth. He accused me of being weak and too scared to live a full life, and of harming our son by denying him the experiences he deemed essential for his development.

“If you don’t agree, I’ll take our son and go without you,” he threatened, leaving me feeling cornered. There was no room for compromise—only submission.

In these moments, my identity became tied to his criticisms, and I began to internalize the belief that my needs and desires were unworthy of consideration. My self-worth eroded with every encounter, and I started to question whether I deserved the stability and independence I longed for.

The Silent Battle of Coercive Control

At the time, I didn’t realize I was living in a situation defined by coercive control. This form of abuse is often subtle, insidious, and far-reaching, characterized by patterns of manipulation designed to strip away a victim’s autonomy and self-worth.

Coercive control doesn’t always manifest through physical violence, making it difficult for victims to recognize it as abuse. Instead, it erodes your personal freedom, your ability to make decisions, and ultimately, your sense of self.

Saying “no” in a coercive relationship feels like striking a match near gasoline. The abuser thrives on control, and when that control is threatened, they will go to any lengths to regain it. For me, that meant enduring relentless verbal abuse, where my husband attacked my intelligence, character, and mothering.

When insults didn’t work, he turned to emotional manipulation, saying things like, “I just want what’s best for our family. Why are you so against that?” When emotional appeals failed, he reminded me of his financial power, ensuring I was aware of my complete dependence on him.

I used to think if I could just explain my reasoning clearly enough, he would understand. But abusers don’t operate on logic or empathy—they operate on power and control. My refusal wasn’t just an inconvenience to him; it was a direct challenge to his authority.

When “No” Feels Impossible

What many don’t understand is that saying “no” to an abuser isn’t just difficult—it’s dangerous. While my husband never physically harmed me, the psychological torment was equally devastating. Saying “no” was never worth the emotional fallout—the days of walking on eggshells, the cold stares, and the endless nights of lectures designed to break me down.

As domestic abuse expert Evan Stark explains, “Coercive control is the perpetrator establishing in the mind of the victim the price of her resistance.” In my case, every “no” brought with it a whirlwind of accusations, guilt, and threats. His constant barrage of manipulation made defiance feel like an insurmountable risk, leading me to internalize the belief that my resistance would only result in greater harm.

Reclaiming My Power

It took me years to understand that saying “no” in a coercive relationship is never just about a single decision—it’s about power. Every time I caved, I surrendered a little more of my autonomy. But everything shifted when I faced the prospect of moving countries again. Something clicked. I began reaching out to friends and family—something I had been too afraid to do before. I started to recognize the patterns of abuse that had controlled my life.

The turning point came when I started seeing a therapist. She helped me untangle the manipulation I had been living under and see my situation for what it was. For the first time, I understood the depth of the emotional toll it was taking on me. It became increasingly clear that I couldn’t continue in an environment where my needs were consistently disregarded and my well-being compromised.

Ultimately, I made the decision to leave my abusive marriage. It wasn’t easy, but I realized that leaving was the only way to prioritize my safety and reclaim my life. The thought of remaining in a situation that perpetuated my isolation and dependence became unbearable, and I knew that reclaiming my freedom would start with that crucial decision.

Lessons for Those Still in the Fight

I remember the countless times I thought, “If I just avoid confrontation, things will be okay.” I often complied quietly, not because I agreed but because it felt safer to maintain the peace. But over time, I realized that this approach wasn’t just eroding my autonomy—it was eroding my self-worth. If you find yourself in a similar situation, know that taking small steps toward regaining your autonomy is possible.

Cultivating internal resilience is one of the first ways to begin. Even if saying “no” out loud feels too dangerous, you can start by protecting yourself emotionally. When my husband belittled me, I would mentally counter his words by affirming my worth, telling myself, “I know my value, and this isn’t true.” Over time, I began separating his harmful words from my inner truth and reclaiming my sense of self from within.

You might also consider setting small, manageable boundaries. Look for moments where you can say “no” to minor requests that are unlikely to provoke a major reaction. It doesn’t have to be about asserting yourself in every situation. Start with boundaries that feel comfortable and build from there. It’s not about winning every battle—it’s about taking back the power that’s been taken from you, one step at a time.

When It Becomes a Matter of Survival

The truth is, when saying “no” feels unsafe, it may be time to question whether staying in the relationship is truly an option. If asserting even the smallest boundaries leads to verbal attacks or threats, your emotional and psychological safety may be at risk. I know how easy it is to convince yourself that the abuse is manageable—that by avoiding certain triggers, you can keep the peace. But here’s what I learned: When you can’t safely say “no,” it’s not about conflict anymore—it’s about survival.

If you find yourself feeling increasingly anxious or afraid, it might be time to consider leaving. I know the decision to leave can feel overwhelming, but reclaiming your autonomy is vital to protecting your mental health. Sometimes, leaving isn’t an immediate, all-or-nothing decision—it’s a gradual process. Gathering resources, building a support network, and planning your exit carefully can be small but essential acts of self-care.

Ultimately, the journey to reclaim your freedom starts with recognizing your worth. The first step is acknowledging that you deserve more than a life lived in fear or doubt. For me, it wasn’t about trying to fix the relationship or hoping my husband would change. It was about prioritizing myself and my child.

You deserve to feel safe, valued, and loved—by yourself and by others. This realization may not come overnight, but accepting the reality of your situation, even when it’s painful, is the beginning of true freedom and self-worth.

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About Samara Knight

Samara Knight is a writer, researcher, and survivor advocating for awareness and freedom from coercive control and emotional abuse. Her personal experiences in a high-control group and a twelve-year coercive marriage fuels her work. With a BSc in Psychology and ongoing MSc studies in the Psychology of Coercive Control, she runs Shadows of Control, a website dedicated to sharing personal narratives and professional insights into coercive control. Find Samara on Twitter and Facebook.

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The Art of Being Flawed in a Perfectionist World

“Perfection is not attainable, but if we chase perfection, we can catch excellence.” ~Vince Lombardi

Okay, let’s be real for a second. As I sit here trying to write this perfect essay about embracing imperfection, the irony isn’t lost on me. I’ve rewritten this opening paragraph about five times now. Old habits die hard, right?

Picture this: It’s 2:37 p.m. on a Wednesday afternoon. I’m pacing the lecture hall, watching my law students furiously scribbling away at their exam papers. Their furrowed brows and white-knuckle grips on their pens remind me of, well, me, not too long ago.

Flashback to my own law school days. There I was, the quintessential overachiever. Nose perpetually buried in a casebook, surviving on a diet of coffee and sheer determination. Perfect grades, perfect internships, perfect career trajectory—these weren’t just goals, they were my entire identity. The pressure I put on myself was so intense, I’m surprised my hair didn’t turn gray by graduation. (Spoiler alert: It’s starting to now, but I digress.)

Fast-forward to my transition from practicing law to teaching it. I thought I had it all figured out. Professor Kalyani Abhyankar, the flawless legal mind, here to shape the next generation of lawyers. Ha! If only I knew what I was in for.

It was during one particularly “memorable” lecture that my perfectionist facade began to crack. I had spent hours preparing what I thought was a flawless presentation on constitutional law. I was on fire, if I do say so myself, rattling off case citations like a human legal database. And then it happened. I mixed up two landmark cases.

The horror! The shame! In that moment, I swear I could hear the ghost of Justice Brandeis weeping. I stood there, frozen at the podium, waiting for the ground to swallow me whole.

But then something unexpected happened. A student raised her hand and asked, “Professor Abhyankar, are you okay?”

And just like that, the dam broke. All my insecurities came flooding out in front of my class. My fear of not being good enough, the crushing weight of always needing to be perfect, the anxiety that one mistake would unravel my entire career.

To my utter shock, instead of judgment, I was met with… understanding? Empathy, even? One of my students actually said, “Wow, Prof. We always thought you were this untouchable legal genius. But this… this makes you human. It’s kind of inspiring, actually.”

Inspiring? Me? The one having a meltdown in front of her class? But as I looked around the room, I saw nodding heads and relieved faces. It was as if by showing my own vulnerability, I had given them permission to be imperfect too.

This was the beginning of my messy, often frustrating, but ultimately liberating journey toward embracing imperfection. And let me tell you, it wasn’t a smooth ride.

At first, I tried to schedule “imperfection time” into my day. Yes, you read that right. I, Kalyani Abhyankar, recovering perfectionist, tried to perfect the art of being imperfect. The irony is not lost on me, I assure you.

There were setbacks galore. I’d resolve to be more laid-back in class, only to find myself obsessively color-coding my lecture notes at 2 AM. I’d promise myself I wouldn’t overthink my students’ questions, then spend hours agonizing over whether my off-the-cuff answer about tort law was comprehensive enough.

But slowly, oh so slowly, things began to shift. I started to pay attention to my classroom with new eyes. I noticed how the most engaging discussions often arose from questions I couldn’t answer right away. I saw how students learned more from working through mistakes than from memorizing perfect responses.

Here are some of the changes I stumbled my way through:

1. Practicing self-compassion

Instead of berating myself for every perceived failure, I tried to treat myself with the same kindness I’d offer a struggling student. This meant acknowledging my efforts, regardless of the outcome. And yes, sometimes it meant looking in the mirror and saying, “You’re doing okay, Kalyani,” even when I felt like a total impostor.

2. Setting realistic goals

Rather than aiming for an impossible standard of perfection, I learned to set challenging but achievable goals. This allowed me to celebrate progress and maintain motivation. Novel concept, right?

3. Embracing the learning process

I started to view mistakes—both mine and my students’—not as failures but as valuable teaching moments. Each setback became an opportunity to deepen understanding and foster critical thinking. Who knew that “I don’t know, let’s figure it out together” could be such powerful words in a classroom?

4. Cultivating a growth mindset

Instead of seeing legal aptitude as fixed, I began to emphasize to my students (and myself) the capacity to develop skills through effort and practice. This made us all more willing to tackle challenging legal problems, even if we didn’t always get it right the first time.

5. Letting go of comparison

I realized that constantly measuring myself against other professors or legal scholars was about as productive as trying to teach constitutional law to my cat. Instead, I focused on my unique strengths as an educator and mentor.

Now, don’t get me wrong. I still have days where my inner perfectionist rears its meticulously groomed head. I still occasionally find myself up at midnight, agonizing over a single word choice in my lecture notes. Rome wasn’t built in a day, and recovering perfectionists aren’t cured overnight.

But here’s the kicker: As I’ve learned to embrace my imperfections, I’ve actually become a better professor. Free from the paralysis of perfectionism, I’m more creative in my teaching methods, more willing to tackle controversial legal topics, and more open to feedback from students and colleagues.

My students seem to prefer this new, slightly messier version of Professor Abhyankar. They’re more engaged, more willing to take risks in their thinking, and—dare I say it—they seem to be having more fun. Who knew that constitutional law could actually be enjoyable?

To those still caught in the grip of perfectionism, whether in law school, legal practice, or any other field, I offer this hard-won wisdom: Your worth is not determined by flawless performance. There is profound strength in vulnerability, in admitting that you’re still learning and growing.

Embrace your imperfections. They’re not weaknesses to be hidden but unique aspects of who you are as a professional and human being. Let go of the exhausting chase for perfection and instead, chase growth and authenticity.

In doing so, you may find that you achieve things far greater than perfection—you achieve a life that is fully and beautifully lived. And if you happen to mix up a few Supreme Court cases along the way? Well, you’re in good company.

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About Kalyani Abhyankar

Kalyani Abhyankar is a professor of law and mindset coach, specializing in administrative law and consumer protection. She is passionate about helping others cultivate a limitless mindset and personal growth through her work on LinkedIn and beyond.

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How to Stop Living in Perpetual Guilt and Forgive Yourself

“I have learned that the person I have to ask for forgiveness from the most is myself. You must love yourself. You have to forgive yourself every day. Whenever you remember a shortcoming, a flaw, you have to tell yourself, ‘That’s just fine.’ You have to forgive yourself so much until you don’t even see those things anymore. Because that’s what love is like.” ~C. JoyBell C.

Have you ever wondered why, despite doing your best to heal and grow, you can’t seem to shake off the feeling of inadequacy and only see minimal results for all your efforts?

Maybe, like myself, you don’t know you live with a very subtle yet perpetual feeling of guilt.

The first time I became familiar with this chronic guilt was when I learned about self-awareness. At the beginning of my healing journey, I knew that to change anything, I must first be aware that it is there.

Although this sounds good in theory and might work when we look at it from a logical standpoint, often it doesn’t apply when we are in the arena, going through the imperfections of the healing process.

In his book Breaking the Habit of Being Yourself, Joe Dispenza explains how our bodies become addicted to certain chemicals we release based on the thoughts we think and the emotions we feel.

If you are used to feeling guilt, your mind will unconsciously look for it in everything you do, so the body gets the hit.

Going back to self-awareness, let me ask you this:

What do you do when you discover a pattern you want to change or a toxic habit you want to heal—for example, that you people-please? Do you reach for understanding and compassion or judge yourself, feeling like you “should” act differently?

Exactly.

It’s almost like we think if we are harsh enough with ourselves, we will do better next time, soldier up, and do it “right.” While in the process, we are crushing our souls, unconsciously sabotaging our healing, and feeling smaller each day.

As I dove deeper into exploring my guilt, sometimes the things I judged myself for blew my mind. I judged myself for how I felt, and once I observed it, I judged myself for judging myself for how I felt. Or I would use guilt to unconsciously validate the belief that I am not enough.

Even when I made healthy decisions, like distancing myself from people who weren’t good for me, I would judge myself for bailing out and not staying around and trying harder. There was always a reason to feel guilty.

It took me a long time to discover these patterns, and I still spot them today. It was and still is a part of my self-talk, although not as often as it used to be. However, while developing a more loving approach to my guilt, I realized that only a healthy dose of love, compassion, and understanding could heal me.

We may find it challenging to spot chronic guilt since its presence is very subtle. If guilting and judging ourselves is our way of life, we may think, “This is how I always feel. It’s normal.”

But it isn’t. We weren’t meant to swim in the waters of inadequacy or not-enoughness. If you think, “But what if I let the guilt go and relax, and then don’t feel the drive to do more, heal more, grow more?”

Although guilt may seem like a fuel that pushes us forward, from my experience, it keeps our healing at bay. It takes away the feeling of being alive, motivated, inspired, and courageous. It makes us shrink and brings uncertainty and self-doubt.

I remember a time when I started to have digestive issues right after I left my marriage and began the process of a divorce. The hardest things for me to overcome were the anger and guilt I felt for the things I’d allowed, although I wasn’t aware of this at that time. All I knew was that I was pissed. This, of course, made my digestive issues even worse.

During this time, I began learning more about the connection between my gut and my mental and emotional health and how my anxiety, sadness, and stress affect the health of my physical body.

One day, as I spoke to a friend on the phone, I broke down crying, knowing that I was responsible for how I physically felt.

After I calmed down, we sat in silence for a few moments after she said, “Maybe it’s time you forgive yourself for it.”

Her words immediately touched my heart, and I knew that I had to come back to the basics of my healing, which so often lay in forgiving myself. Since then, I’ve approached my digestive flare-ups and healing with an attitude of forgiveness. This has allowed me to ease into the moment and has helped me look at the whole situation with more love and understanding toward myself.

I’ve realized that living with the attitude of forgiveness isn’t a one-time event but a mindset. And from everything I understand about this sacred and soulful practice, these are four steps I always follow.

1. Get curious. 

When you observe a behavior about yourself that you don’t like or experience what I call a healing relapse (the time when you act in old, unhealthy ways), instead of immediately reaching for judgment, get curious.

Healing relapses are real, and they happen to all of us. You will take one step forward and two steps back. Eventually, it will be two steps forward and only one step back. At some point, you may move back to your old ways. You say yes when you want to say no and don’t reinforce your boundary, then feel a sense of resentment. It’s okay. Give yourself permission to be imperfect.

A simple affirmation I use to remind myself to live a judgment-free life is, “Although I see myself going back to judgment, people-pleasing, seeking validation, etc., I choose to stop here, stay away from judgment, and get curious instead. It’s okay to make mistakes as I heal.”

2. Ask yourself challenging but healing questions. 

When you notice judgment or guilt and get curious instead of resentful or judgmental, turn inward and try to understand. Explore deeper aspects of your self-talk and see where you are still choosing guilt over kindness and compassion.

Here are three common questions I ask myself:

“How can I better understand the part of me that I want to judge?”

“If receiving forgiveness is difficult for me, what wounds or pains do I need to attend to more to open my heart to healing?”

“How can I see this moment of judgment as an opportunity for growth? What can I learn from it?”

3. Use meditation as your self-forgiveness tool.  

Meditation has been my number one tool in healing my wounds. I’ve used it for self-forgiveness, inner child, self-love, and more.

A few years back, I was part of a weekly coaching group. Each month, we worked through different subjects, and at that time, the topic of the month was forgiveness. The person leading the group invited us to meditate together. I got comfortable in my seat and closed my eyes. We started with a series of breathing exercises to get grounded and relaxed. Then he asked us to repeat after him. The first thing he said was, “I forgive myself.”

The moment I mentally uttered these words, I broke down crying while feeling an immense release. It’s like a giant burden fell off my chest. This was my first practice of self-forgiveness, and it made me realize how much guilt and judgment I carried around on a constant basis.

Since then, using self-forgiveness meditation has become one of my favorite tools to work through my guilt.

4. Heal negative self-talk with self-compassion. 

As I mentioned earlier, living with the attitude of forgiveness is a way of life, not a one-time event.

At first, you may find yourself going back and forth between judgment and understanding. This is a part of the process, so don’t feel discouraged. Instead, every time you notice that you are judging yourself, pause. You can also say “pause” to yourself mentally or out loud. This will interrupt the thought pattern of judgment that’s taking place.

Then, attune to your negative self-talk and don’t resent it. You can use this compassionate statement, “I know you,” referring to your mind, “are here to protect me by offering thoughts that are known and familiar and feel safe. However, I choose to approach myself differently moving forward. I am worthy of compassion and forgiveness and choose to treat myself kindly.”

—

Healing from guilt isn’t a quick fix but rather a process of changing the core of the relationship you have with yourself.

Be patient while navigating this journey, and when you notice yourself going back to your old ways, just take a deep breath and declare with all your heart: I am worthy of a guilt-free life, and this time, I choose forgiveness.

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About Silvia Turonova

Silvia Turonova is a women’s mindset coach who leads women toward emotional healing while empowering them to live a life of wholeness, balance, and inner resilience. She loves writing and serving women through her blog. You can find out more about working with her and her 1-on-1 coaching program COACH Intensive here or get her free self-coaching worksheet here.

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