The Greatest Transformations Often Emerge from Hardship

The Greatest Transformations Often Emerge from Hardship

“When we are no longer able to change a situation, we are challenged to change ourselves.” ~Viktor Frankl

Life has moments that completely reshape us, often without our consent or preparation. Trauma, loss, and grief—they don’t wait until we feel ready to handle them. Instead, they arrive unexpectedly, pinning us against the wall and demanding transformation.

What began as a day like most training days, fueled by focus and determination, unraveled into an unimaginable traumatic event, one that shattered the life I had known.

Prior to that moment, as a fitness trainer by profession, my world was defined by movement, strength, and the confidence that my body could carry me anywhere. Being active was a way of life for me, both professionally and recreationally.

In a split second, all of that was gone, leaving me to grapple with an existence that no longer felt like my own. One moment, I was strong, healthy, and in motion. The next thing I would come to know was waking up in a hospital bed—my body broken, my spirit shaken, my heart heavy with grief and fear.

My femoral artery had been severed. My family was prepared for the worst, told that people who sustain these types of injuries don’t typically survive.

“We’re fighting with the clock. We’ll do what we can,” the surgeon had said.

Those words hung in the air, marking the stark reality of how fragile the situation was. Life over limb became the call, and amputation was the response.

I spent the summer in the hospital, unable to see the light of day or breathe fresh air. Placed in a medically induced coma for several days, I underwent hours upon hours of intricate, life-saving surgeries—four of the eight within the first week alone.

My body had been through the unimaginable—cut open, stitched, stapled, poked, and prodded—a battlefield in my fight for life. I had been revascularized, resuscitated, and endured a four-compartment fasciotomy that left my limb filleted open.

Skin grafts eventually covered the damage as machines beeped and buzzed around me, tubes running from my body—feeding tube, catheter, IVs pumping life back into me. I lay in an isolated critical care room under 24/7 watch, caught in a space between survival and uncertainty.

As I lay in the hospital bed, the reality of my new existence settled in. The loss of my leg was more than a physical alteration. It was a profound shift in my sense of self, forcing me to confront who I was beyond the body I had always known.

Peering down at the end of the bed, a reality I was not ready for hit me all at once, with an undeniable, unforgiving force. One foot protruded from beneath the hospital blanket, just as it always had. The other side—my leg stopped short.

The space it once filled was now an absence I could feel as much as see. In that instant, the weight of it all—what had happened, what had been taken, what could never be undone—settled deep within me. There was no waking up from this living nightmare. This was real.

I faced a new reality. My lower left leg had been amputated below the knee. There was no gradual build-up, no illness, no injury to hint at what was coming. The sudden loss was more than physical. It wasn’t just my leg. It felt like I had lost my independence and any semblance of the life I once knew.

The weight of it all pulled me into a darkness that felt impossible to escape. And yet, within that darkness, something began to shift. What had once felt like an ending became an opening for self-discovery—a bridge to deeper understanding of myself and a realization of the strength, courage, and resilience that had always existed within me.

In the weeks that followed, I grappled with despair and uncertainty, only to realize that this darkness held more than pain. It became a catalyst for transformation. Losing my leg forced me to confront truths I had never acknowledged, opening the door to lessons that reshaped my life in ways I never could have imagined.

Pain and adversity, anger and fear were not the enemies I once believed them to be. Instead, they became powerful forces that propelled me toward growth, leading me down an unforeseen path—not one I intentionally sought, yet one that ultimately offered exactly what I needed.

I came to understand this through small victories, such as lifting myself from the hospital bed, taking that first step, and learning to balance when the world beneath me felt unsteady and my footing was unstable and unfamiliar.

Those moments of discomfort became invitations. When met with willingness rather than resistance, struggles turned into progress. With each step forward, I regained both my footing and my confidence, uncovering a sense of empowerment I hadn’t realized was within me.

The pain, the fear, and the struggle all led me to powerful realizations—lessons that continue to shape how I see myself and how I engage in life.

Limitations Are Often Stories We Tell Ourselves

At first, I believed life had betrayed me, that my body had let me down. I told myself I couldn’t do the things I once loved. I hesitated, afraid of looking weak, of failing. As I started pushing my boundaries, learning to move, to stand, to find new ways forward, I realized the greatest obstacle wasn’t my body; it was the belief that I now had fixed limitations imposed upon me. When I challenged that, I uncovered a world of possibilities.

The mind cleverly builds barriers that seem insurmountable. Once confronted, they reveal themselves as illusions—perceived limits, not actual ones. The only true limitation is the one I place upon myself. I may do things differently now, and in doing so, I’ve discovered the power of adaptability and just how limitless possibilities truly are.

My Body Does Not Define Me

For much of my life, I equated worth with physical appearance and ability. I had built a life and career around movement, pushing my body to perform. Losing my leg felt like losing a core part of myself. I struggled with my reflection, with the visible mark of what had changed. I feared being judged, labeled, seen as broken, defined by what was missing. And over time, I began to see things differently.

My prosthetic leg, once a symbol of loss, became my badge of courage, a testament to all that I had endured and overcome. While the external physical alteration was undeniable, the greater shift was internal.

My sense of self felt unfamiliar, as if it had been stripped away along with my leg. Lost in uncertainty and overwhelm, I found myself called to look deeper. It took time and reflection to recognize that my wholeness remained intact. Strength, persistence, and self-worth weren’t dependent on the physical; they resided within. Even when they felt unrecognizable, they remained, waiting to be reclaimed.

Everything I Needed Was Within Me All Along

It’s easy to believe that what sustains us must be chased, that healing and wholeness come from outside ourselves. I searched for proof of my worth, looking outward for reassurance that I hadn’t lost something essential. But in the quietest moments, when I sat alone in my pain, when there was no one left to convince me but myself, I began to see the truth.

What felt like loss wasn’t an empty void. It was an opening, an invitation to uncover what had always been within me. I didn’t need to rebuild from nothing or become someone new. I only needed to recognize what was already there. And in that recognition, the rebuilding and becoming unfolded naturally.

Losing my leg did not break me. It revealed me. It became the doorway to my greatest discoveries, an invitation to meet myself in ways I never had before, to embrace the unknown, and to uncover the depth of courage, resilience, and inner power that emerges through hardship.

A Final Reflection

We all carry stories about what is possible, stories influenced by conditioning, fear, and experience. But what if our limits are not real? What if they’re just unchallenged? What if everything you need to rise, to heal, to rebuild is already within you, waiting to be realized?

The greatest transformations often emerge from the depths of hardship. Life challenges us in ways we never could have imagined, yet within those challenges lie revelations, truths about ourselves we might never have uncovered otherwise.

Hardship and struggle often go hand in hand, yet within them lies the path to ease. Though they bring pain, they also offer wisdom. They shape us, yet they don’t have to define us. When we stop resisting and lean into what challenges us, we gain clarity, uncover strength, and discover a deeper understanding of ourselves.

What once felt impossible begins to feel natural. Through struggle, we find empowerment. Through trauma, we find self-discovery. Every hardship carries an invitation to redefine, to rebuild, to reclaim. The question is not what life takes from us, but what we choose to uncover in its place.

About Susan Wang

Susan Wang is a mother of two young adult sons and a writer who transforms personal adversity into powerful lessons on resilience, adaptability, and inner strength. She shares her journey of loss and transformation to inspire others to challenge limitations, embrace change, and uncover the power within. Connect with her on Facebook and Instagram.

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How to Start Teaching Mindfulness (Even if You’re Still Learning)

How to Start Teaching Mindfulness (Even if You’re Still Learning)

Sponsored by MindfulnessExercises.com

A few years ago, I was meditating in silence beneath the canopy of a forest monastery in Thailand, questioning everything.

I had left my job, relationships, and most of what I knew to live as a Buddhist monk in the Ajahn Chah tradition—eating one meal a day, sleeping little, and sitting with discomfort, doubt, and the rhythms of the natural world.

But the hardest part wasn’t the mosquitoes or the hunger.

It was this: I was afraid to teach what I was still learning.

Maybe you’ve felt this too—that deep yearning to guide others in healing, in presence, in peace… but a lingering fear that you’re not “ready,” not “qualified,” or that your own struggles disqualify you from helping others.

If that resonates, you’re not alone. And more importantly: it’s not a reason to hold back. In fact, it may be the very reason you’re meant to teach.

That’s what led me to create the Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification Program.

A Path for People Who Want to Serve—with Heart

Whether you’re a therapist, coach, educator, or simply someone who feels called to guide others with compassion, this certification helps you teach mindfulness authentically, without pressure to be “perfect.”

It’s not about performing or pretending.

It’s about integrating. Practicing.

And sharing from a place of lived wisdom.

What’s Inside the Program

  • Self-Paced Online Learning: Go at your own rhythm with lifetime access to over 300 hours of content.
  • World-Renowned Teachers: Learn from pioneers like Gabor Maté, Rick Hanson, Kristin Neff, and more.
  • Done-for-You Curriculum: 200+ guided meditation scripts, worksheets, and presentation slides you can use right away.
  • Live Mentorship & Community: Weekly live calls, optional small pods, and private community access for real-time support.
  • Business Tools: Guidance on how to offer classes, build a brand, and grow your visibility as a teacher.
  • Accredited Certification: Earn a credible, recognized credential to teach mindfulness and meditation professionally.

But More Than That… It’s a Journey Back to Yourself

One graduate said it best:

“I joined to help others. I had no idea how deeply I’d be helping myself—healing old wounds, softening my inner critic, and rediscovering joy in simply being.”

That’s the thing about teaching mindfulness: the more you teach it, the more you live it.

Is This Program for You?

You don’t need years of experience or a Buddhist background. You do need:

  • A sincere desire to help others find presence and peace
  • Curiosity about your own patterns, habits, and healing
  • A commitment to practicing what you share

Whether you want to guide clients, lead retreats, offer corporate mindfulness, or simply deepen your personal practice, this program can support your next step.

A Note from Me to You

I created this program to be what I wish I’d had: a grounded, flexible, deeply supportive path that honors both your humanity and your calling.

We’re not training gurus.

We’re nurturing guides—kind, real humans walking beside others on the path to wholeness.

If this speaks to you, I’d love to support your journey.

👉 Explore the certification here

About Sean Fargo

Sean Fargo is a former Buddhist monk and the founder of MindfulnessExercises.com, a platform offering free and professional mindfulness resources to over 20 million people worldwide. He has trained thousands of teachers through his Mindfulness Meditation Teacher Certification and previously served as a mindfulness trainer at Google. Sean’s mission is to help people teach mindfulness authentically, with heart, presence, and purpose.

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Discovering I Lived in Fear, Thinking It Was Love

Discovering I Lived in Fear, Thinking It Was Love

“Fear is the opposite of love. Love is the absence of fear. Whatever you do out of fear will create more fear. Whatever you do out of love will create more love.” ~Osho

I did not realize I was driven by fear for most of my life.

I thought I was making choices from love by being good, responsible, kind, and successful. Looking back, I see how much of my life was organized around keeping myself safe, and that came from a place of fear.

From the outside, I looked successful, practical, and just fantastic at adult life. In the quiet moments, which I rarely allowed, I felt dull, disconnected, and like I was watching my life from the outside. I filled those voids and pushed away those feelings by doing. I had no idea that fear was in the driver’s seat. Fear spoke loudly and told me:

  • Keep yourself small.
  • Be careful about speaking up.
  • Try to be as good as others.
  • You’re not smart or good enough and need to work harder and do more.
  • Love has to be earned by proving yourself.

And because I didn’t know it was fear, I listened. I thought these messages were the truth. I didn’t realize that I lacked the expansive, open power of self-love.

The Moment I Realized Fear Was Running My Life

I didn’t recognize fear until it had completely consumed me.

In March 2020, I sat on my bed, crying, shrouded in the shame of failure. My husband and young kids were on the other side of the door, and I was scared. I did not want to face them and be home with them through the pandemic lockdown,with no school or work as respite.

I feared that I would fail them, and that I could not hold it together to be the calm, loving mom and wife they needed.Mostly, I was scared of how being able to handle it. My alone time, as much as I was disconnected from myself and filled any quiet with noise and distraction, was when I recharged.

I had spent so much of my life striving, pushing, proving, and performing, desperate to be good enough.

But no matter how hard I worked or how much I achieved, it never felt like enough.

That day, as I sat there, exhausted and broken, a thought rose inside me:

“There has to be another way. I cannot go on like this.”

And then, through the heaviness, I heard a quiet voice:

“The work is inside you.”

That was the moment everything started to change. I pulled that inner thread, and for the first time, I slowed down enough to feel.

I let myself be still. I let myself sit with emotions I had spent a lifetime avoiding. Sadness, failure, shame, guilt, and resentment all rose to the surface. And as I unraveled, my heart started to open, and I realized that I had been living in a state of fear.

I had spent years thinking my way through fear, trying to control it with logic. But real understanding—real change—came when I started listening to my body and its quiet whispers.

Fear vs. Love

Once I learned how to connect with my body, I noticed:

  • Fear is loud and demanding, while love is quiet and calm.
    Fear creates internal pressure: “Hurry! Move! You’re late!”
    Love is patient: “Take your time. The right answers are within you.”
  • Fear feels tight, restricted, and on edge, while love feels expansive, open, and at ease.
    Fear comes with shallow breathing, tension in the shoulders, and a racing heart.
    Love brings deep breaths, relaxed muscles, and a sense of wonder.
  • Fear lives in the mind, while love lives in the body.
    Fear spins stories. Love is present.
  • Fear keeps you small, while love invites you to grow.
    Fear says, “Stay where it’s safe.”
    Love says, “Step forward. You can handle this.”

My biggest realization came with knowing that love doesn’t force or pressure or shame. I lived so many years feeling like I had to tread carefully and not make a mistake, or else I would be in trouble or be discovered as a fraud. This stemmed from childhood, where, as the oldest child, I didn’t want to cause problems for my parents. I know now that was straight out of fear’s playbook.

Shifting from Fear to Love

Fear will always be there. It’s part of being human. It’s not all bad. We want to feel fear when there’s real danger. But we don’t want it to be our mindset.

Here’s what I do now when I feel fear creeping in:

1. Get out of the mind and into the body.

You can’t think your way out of fear. Instead, I:

  • Close my eyes.
  • Take a deep breath, inhaling through my nose and sighing out of my mouth.
  • Place a hand on my heart or belly.
  • Notice the sensations in my body—tightness, warmth, buzzing, stillness.
  • Ask myself, “What am I scared of?”

2. Notice the difference between fear’s voice and love’s voice.

When making a decision, I ask:

  • Does this thought feel urgent, pressured, or heavy? That’s fear.
  • Does this thought feel grounded, spacious, or light? That’s love.

3. Move through fear—don’t push it away.

Fear doesn’t disappear just because we wish it away. As researcher Jill Bolte Taylor says, with any emotion, if we can sit in it for sixty to ninety seconds without attaching a story or thought to it, the fear will pass. This can be uncomfortable and takes some practice.

Instead of avoiding fear, try saying:
“I see you. I know you’re trying to keep me safe. What do you want me to know?”

One morning, after forgetting my son’s backpack at school drop-off, I felt fear in the form of harsh self-criticism. It sat heavy in my gut. I asked it, “What do you want me to know?” It told me I was a failure. As I dialogued with it, I discovered that underneath the anger and pressure was exhaustion—and a part of me that needed rest and reassurance.

4. Make small choices from love.

We don’t have to make massive leaps. Even small shifts—choosing self-compassion over self-criticism, presence over anxiety, truth over avoidance—begin to rewire our nervous system.

Choosing Love, One Breath at a Time

I spent years letting fear run my life without realizing it.

I thought I had to think my way through everything. But the moment I dropped into my body, things changed. I am more present, compassionate, curious, appreciative, and embodied.

Now, when fear arises, I no longer try to silence it. I don’t fight it. I don’t shame myself for feeling it.

Instead, I breathe. I listen. I notice how it feels. And then I ask myself:

“Is this fear speaking? Or is this love?”

And whenever possible, I choose love.

About Rebecca Fellenbaum

Rebecca Fellenbaum is a certified life coach, intuitive guide, writer, and entrepreneur. She helps women who have “made it” on the outside feel great about themselves on the inside so they can find joy in their lives, kids, and families. Get her free guide: Slowing Down: 9 Steps to Live With Intention to start meaning it when you say you’re doing fine. Find her at rebeccafellenbaum.com.

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When Healing Feels Lonely: What I Now Know About Peace

When Healing Feels Lonely: What I Now Know About Peace

“Avoiding your triggers isn’t healing. Healing happens when you’re triggered and you’re able to move through the pain, the pattern, and the story, and walk your way to a different ending.” ~Vienna Pharaon

I thought I had figured it out.

For a year, I had been doing the “inner work”—meditating daily, practicing breathwork, journaling, doing yoga. I had read all the books. I had deconditioned so many behaviors that weren’t serving me: my need to prove, my need to compare, my negative thought patterns. My self-awareness was through the roof. I had hit that deep, deep place in meditation I read about in the spiritual texts. I met my soul.

I had stripped my life down to the essentials: no coffee, no alcohol, no meat, no distractions. My morning routine was bulletproof: journal, read a spiritual text, do yoga and breathwork, meditate.

I distanced myself from many—putting up boundaries to some of the closest people to me because they “didn’t understand.” I spent my days mainly in nature, alone, in so much stillness and presence. I had finally found peace. Or at least, I thought I had.

And then I went to a silent retreat in Bali.

I flew across the world, ready to spend eleven days in complete silence, fully immersed in my inner world. I thought it would deepen my peace, open me up to even more divine inspiration, that it would solidify all the healing I had done.

I had no idea it was about to rip me open.

For the first three days, I was in heaven. I was more present than I had ever been in my life. The sound of the river, the feeling of the breeze on my skin—it was intoxicating. I felt like I could stay there forever. I felt like I was home, internally and externally.

But on day four, everything cracked wide open.

Suddenly, the emotions I thought I had healed—the ones I had spent months working through—came flooding back like a tidal wave. It all started with comparison. Comparing myself to other people at the retreat. Comparing my body, my flexibility in yoga class, my skin, my beauty.

I was so confused—I had the awareness to know this wasn’t “good.” I had the awareness to realize this was me defaulting to all these old thoughts and behaviors.

My mind started battling itself—and then I dove right into the “worst” behavior I thought I had healed: judgment. Judgment of others and judgment of myself.

What was going on?! Hadn’t I already done this work? Why was I back here again?

More and more emotions started coming up. I felt so unworthy again, like I hadn’t done enough work on myself. Like this past year was done all wrong, like it was wasted. Like I misunderstood the assignment.

And that’s when it hit me: I had mistaken solitude for healing.

Those few months before the silent retreat, I had wrapped myself in solitude like a safety blanket. I had avoided anything that triggered me—situations, people, even certain thoughts. I had created boundaries—not just with others, but with life itself.

I was at peace… but I wasn’t living.

I had gone so far into solitude, into stillness, that I had disconnected from the very thing that makes life meaningful—other people. I had tricked myself into thinking I had found peace when, really, I had just found another version of control.

But control isn’t healing—it’s just another way of trying to feel safe.

Turns out, I wasn’t at peace—I was chasing again. And this time, I was chasing enlightenment. It looked different from my old pursuits—more noble, more spiritual—but it was still a chase. And I will say honestly (and not egotistically), I reached enlightenment. I know I did. I reached Samadhi, consciousness, pure bliss. But then I started chasing that state, trying to make sure I was always in it. And the only way I could stay in it was by being alone.

That’s where the control came in. I thought I had relinquished my need for control. I thought I was free. And in some ways, I was. But in other ways, I was meticulously curating every single detail of my life to make sure I could always remain in that blissful state. Control had woven its tentacles into my spiritual practice, and I didn’t even realize it.

I needed to be isolated, as much as possible, to maintain my peace. I had convinced myself that this was my purpose. That this was my highest path.

But that also made life so… lonely. Yes, it was peaceful. But suddenly I realized I missed my friendships. I missed my family. I missed all the people who triggered the heck out of me.

Because in complete silence and solitude, I saw the truth—what makes life “life” is being in relation to something or someone.

The truth is, real peace isn’t found in avoiding life—it’s found in moving through it. It’s found in the moments when we feel everything, when we get hurt, when we love, when we mess up, when we forgive.

That’s what life is. That’s what healing is.

And go figure—it took complete silence to show me that.

On my second-to-last day at the retreat, I sat by the river and watched a single leaf fall into the water. Those beautiful big leaves that look so thick and robust, so durable. The current swept it along, pushing it under rocks, pulling it back up, flipping it over, tearing its edges on twigs lodged in the riverbed.

But here’s the thing—no matter what, the leaf kept moving. It got stuck every now and then, but somehow, it would dislodge—a bit more broken and bruised but still moving.

And so do we.

No matter how much life twists us, no matter how many emotions hit us like waves, we are meant to flow with it, not run from it. Not avoid it.

What Silence Taught Me About Real Peace

1. Solitude is a tool, not a destination.

Alone time is valuable, but true healing happens in relationship—with people, with challenges, with the messiness of life.

2. Emotions are a gift, not a burden.

I thought I had reached enlightenment by avoiding pain, but real peace comes from feeling everything—joy, sorrow, frustration, love—and moving through it.

3. You can’t control your way into peace.

I thought if I just kept my environment “pure,” I could protect my sense of calm. But life isn’t about control; it’s about trust.

Flow with life, even when it hurts. That leaf in the river reminded me—life will push, pull, and test you, but you are meant to navigate it, not resist it.

So yes, silence is important. Solitude is powerful. But the work? The real work is out there. In the messy, beautiful, heart-wrenching, soul-expanding experience of being human.

And that’s the lesson I carried with me—not just when I finally opened my mouth to speak again, but into every moment of life that followed.

About Sara Mitch

Sara Mitich helps people reconnect with themselves and move through life’s challenges with more clarity, peace, and self-trust. As the founder of Gratitude & Growth, she shares insights on mindfulness, mindset, and emotional resilience. Explore more at gratitudegrowth.com.

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Trusting the Pause: When Patience Is Better Than Pushing

Trusting the Pause: When Patience Is Better Than Pushing

“The most powerful thing you can do right now is be patient while things are unfolding for you.” ~Idil Ahmed⠀ 

I still remember my last year of college vividly. I was frustrated and disheartened after my application to study abroad was rejected. I had been obsessed with exploring the world through academia, convinced that further study was the best way to achieve my dream.

While most of my peers were preparing to enter the workforce, I envisioned a different path for myself—one that involved research, intellectual growth, and ultimately a career in academia.

However, there was one major obstacle: my English proficiency. Since English is not my native language, I struggled to meet the minimum IELTS score required for my application. My first attempt was a disaster. I scored poorly in the speaking part and barely passed the writing section. I never expected it to be this difficult.

The test was expensive, making it impractical to retake the test multiple times without the confidence of passing it. I felt trapped. If I failed again, I had no backup plan—I had not applied for any jobs, fully investing myself in the dream of studying abroad. The dilemma weighed heavily on me: Should I continue pushing myself to pass the test and secure a scholarship, or abandon my dream and focus on competing in the job market?

Both options felt like dead ends. I was not good enough to pass the test, nor was I prepared to compete for jobs.

In my frustration, I sought consolation in books. I read some spiritual books in hope of finding peace. That was when I encountered Rumi’s quote, which he quotes from his mentor: “When I run after what I think I want, my days are a furnace of distress and anxiety. If I sit in my own place of patience, what I need flows to me, without pain.”

The words struck me deeply. I realized that I had been fixated on a single path, convinced it was the only way to reach my goal. I had never considered any other alternatives.

I have been a fan of Rumi since high school. When I entered college, I found even more of his works that resonated with me. During this time, I also became interested in spiritualism and self-awareness. That is also when I started practicing meditation as part of martial arts training.

I decided to take Rumi’s wisdom to heart. Instead of obsessing over the problem, I stopped forcing a solution and, for the first time, embraced stillness.

It felt unproductive at first, but gradually, I began to understand something: If I was not ready for my dream at that moment, then perhaps it was not meant to happen yet. I accepted that progress would not come instantly and that my journey was not over just because I had hit a roadblock.

Stillness reduced my anxiety and my self-deprecation at least. It restored the feeling that I was alright, and the sky was still above me. Amidst this realization, a friend from high school called me. She asked if I had graduated, and when I said yes, she mentioned a vacant teaching assistant position at her school.

I sat up straight. I had a degree in education, so yes, teaching is my forte. More importantly, this particular school is an international school where most of the students and the teachers are expatriates.

I did not fully understand it at the time, but I felt that this was exactly what Rumi means by “what I need flows to me, without pain.” So I said yes without hesitation.

Long story short, I got the job. As a teaching assistant, I basically helped the main teacher to prepare the learning material and assisted the students with their work. The environment immersed me in English—I spoke it all day, read documents, read books, and wrote reports in English, improving my English significantly.

Eight months after I started working at that school, I retook the test. I felt truly confident. The anxiety was gone, and I knew I would at least meet the minimum score. The test was, as Rumi promised, painless. I did not achieve the perfect score, but it was more than enough. I felt relieved, and I knew that the biggest obstacle had been eliminated.

The test I took was just the beginning of my journey to studying abroad. I completed all the required administrative processes and secured a spot at my desired university just three months after the test. I was also accepted into a scholarship program, so within a year of my initial uncertainty about my future, I experienced a joy that I had never imagined before. Everything fell into place, and I realized it was meant to happen at that time.

Patience, I realized, is the best cure for anxiety. Yet, most of us—including me at that time—struggle with it. The urge to take control and rush toward our goals is overwhelming. We are always taught to push, to strive, to achieve. Surrender and waiting are never part of the curriculum.

I now believe that while ambition is important, relentless pursuit is not always the answer. Patience is not about giving up; it is the ability to wait while still focusing on the target. I think it is similar to a lion when it hunts its prey. The lion remains still, observing, waiting for the perfect moment to strike. A predator understands that patience is the key to success.

So patience is not passive. It is an active projection of trust and readiness. Through this particular experience, I started to understand the differences between stillness and doing nothing.

When I relax and allow myself to slow down, an alternative path emerges. What I once considered a detour—getting a job—ended up being the very thing that helped me to reach my goal. By not chasing my dream directly but rather waiting patiently while doing something else, I ultimately found my way.

Now, whenever I am in pursuit of something, I remind myself to pause. I take a step back, observe, and ensure that the odds are not stacked against me. If they are, I wait patiently and explore other possibilities. Because sometimes, the best way forward is to stand still.

About Gelar Riksa

Gelar Riksa is an Indonesian-based writer who makes a living by working for an EdTech company. He loves books, meditation, sports, and storytelling. He loves to write about mindfulness, self-discovery, and living a simple life.

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Dancing with Darkness: How to Reclaim Your Whole Self

Dancing with Darkness: How to Reclaim Your Whole Self

“Shadow work is the way to illumination. When we become aware of all that is buried within us, that which is lurking beneath the surface no longer has power over us.” ~Aletheia Luna

For years, I believed healing was about transcending pain. I took the courses, read the books, learned every energy-healing technique I could find, and became a healer myself.

And for a while, I felt better. I had breakthroughs. My anxiety lessened.

My depressive episodes became fewer. But they never fully disappeared. Even after all the inner work, there were stilldays when I felt unbearably low. Days and nights when my thoughts raced, full of fear and doubt.

I told myself that if I was truly healing, these feelings shouldn’t exist anymore. That if I was really evolving, I wouldn’t feelthis way.

And worst of all, if I was a healer, how could I possibly still struggle?

Surely, I was doing something wrong.

I started questioning myself. Maybe I wasn’t “good enough” as a healer. Maybe I wasn’t doing enough inner work. MaybeI just wasn’t meant to be on this path.

So I doubled down. I meditated longer. Journaled more. Cleared my energy. Did affirmations.

And yet, the sadness still found me. The anxiety still whispered its fears. No matter how much I tried to fix myself, theseemotions refused to leave.

It wasn’t until I stopped fighting my pain that something shifted. I realized I had spent years treating my emotions assomething to get rid of. But healing isn’t about eliminating pain: it’s about becoming intimate with it.

So instead of suppressing my darkness, I started getting to know it. Instead of running from my emotions, I sat with them—fully present, without trying to fix them.

I let my sadness speak through poetry.

I let my anxiety move through dance.

I let my shadows express themselves through art, writing, and stillness.

And something unexpected happened. The more I embraced my pain, the less power it had over me. The more I let myself feel without judgment, the more compassion I had for myself.

I learned that healing isn’t about reaching some perfect, pain-free version of yourself. It’s about integrating every part ofyou—even the ones you used to reject.

I realized that being a healer doesn’t mean being free of struggle. It means having the courage to meet yourself exactlyas you are—without shame, without resistance, and with deep, unwavering love.

Because healing isn’t about erasing your darkness.

It’s about learning to dance with it.

What is the Shadow Self?

Our shadow consists of the parts of ourselves that we’ve been taught to hide: our fears, suppressed emotions, unprocessed pain, and even our untapped strengths.

Maybe you were told as a child that expressing anger was “bad,” so you learned to suppress it.

Maybe you grew up believing that vulnerability was weakness, so you built walls around your heart.

The shadow isn’t just made up of things we perceive as negative; it can also include hidden gifts. Some of us hide ourpower because we were taught it wasn’t safe to shine.

Some of us suppress our intuition because we fear being wrong. Some of us bury our true desires because we’ve beenconditioned to think they’re unrealistic or selfish.

But here’s the thing: Whatever we suppress doesn’t disappear. It just works against us in unconscious ways.

Our unhealed wounds can show up as:

  • Feeling stuck in the same painful patterns
  • Emotional triggers that seem to come out of nowhere
  • Self-sabotage, procrastination, or fear of success
  • Overreacting to certain behaviors in others (often mirroring what we reject in ourselves)
  • Feeling disconnected, numb, or unfulfilled despite “doing the work”

So how do we begin integrating our shadow instead of fearing or avoiding it?

5 Ways to Begin Shadow Integration

1. Get curious about your triggers.

One of the easiest ways to identify our shadow is to pay attention to what triggers us.

Have you ever felt an irrationally strong reaction to something? Maybe a passing comment made you feel deeplyinsecure, or someone else’s confidence irritated you.

Our triggers are messengers. They reveal wounds that are still waiting to be healed and integrated.

Reflection prompt:

  • Think about the last time something upset or irritated you. What was the deeper emotion beneath it?
  • Does this remind you of a past experience or belief?
  • If this was a message from your inner self, what would it be saying?

When we can sit with our reactions instead of judging them, we open the door to healing.

2. Identify what youve been taught to suppress.

Many of our shadow aspects were created in childhood. We learned that certain emotions, traits, or desires weren’t“acceptable,” so we buried them.

Ask yourself:

  • What parts of myself did I feel I had to hide growing up?
  • What qualities do I judge in others (and could these be aspects I’ve rejected in myself)?
  • What dreams or desires have I talked myself out of because they feel “unrealistic” or “selfish”?

For example, if you were taught that being sensitive meant being weak, you might suppress your emotions and strugglewith vulnerability. If you were raised in an environment where success was met with jealousy, you might unconsciouslyfear stepping into your full potential.

By bringing awareness to these patterns, you can begin to rewrite them.

3. Practice sitting with uncomfortable emotions.

Most of us weren’t taught how to sit with our emotions. We were taught how to suppress, avoid, or “fix” them.

But emotions are not problems. They are messages.

Instead of pushing away sadness, frustration, or fear, try welcoming them as temporary visitors.

Try this:

  • When a difficult emotion arises, pause, and say, I see you. I hear you. I am listening.
  • Notice what sensations arise in your body.
  • Breathe deeply and allow yourself to sit with it, without rushing to change it.

The more you practice this, the less power your emotions will have over you.

4. Reconnect with your inner child.

Much of our shadow is rooted in childhood experiences—times when we felt abandoned, unworthy, or unsafe.

Healing these wounds requires reparenting ourselves with love and compassion.

A simple inner child exercise:

  • Close your eyes and imagine your younger self standing in front of you.
  • Picture them at an age when they felt most vulnerable.
  • Ask: What do you need to hear right now?
  • Offer them the love, validation, and reassurance they may not have received.

This simple practice can be incredibly powerful in healing past wounds and integrating your shadow.

5. Express what youve been holding back.

Shadow integration isn’t just about recognizing our hidden parts. It’s about allowing ourselves to express them in healthyways.

If you’ve suppressed your voice, start speaking up.

If you’ve buried your creativity, allow yourself to create freely.

If you’ve been afraid of taking up space, start owning your worth.

Challenge yourself:

  • Identify one way you’ve been keeping yourself small.
  • Take one small step toward expressing that part of yourself this week.

When we integrate our shadow, we reclaim the full spectrum of who we are.

Embracing Your Whole Self

Healing isn’t about becoming perfect. It’s about becoming whole.

The parts of us that we once rejected hold immense wisdom, creativity, and strength. When we integrate them, weunlock a new level of self-awareness, freedom, and inner peace.

So, the next time your shadows appear, instead of running from them, try sitting with them.

Instead of fighting your fears, try listening to what they have to teach you.

Instead of rejecting the parts of you that feel unworthy, try offering them love.

Because healing isn’t about erasing your darkness.

It’s about learning to dance with it until it, too, becomes light.

I would love to hear from you: What’s one part of yourself you’re learning to embrace? Drop a comment below.

About Lais

Lais is an intuitive healer, space-clearing expert, and quantum energy healing teacher who helps others integrate theirshadows and reclaim their wholeness. Through her Quantum Energy Healing Program, she guides deep transformationby clearing ancestral wounds, past-life imprints, and energetic blocks. She also hosts The Alchemy of Light and ShadowPodcast, exploring healing, grounded spirituality, and personal transformation. Learn more about her work athttp://www.myhealingsanctuary.net and explore her healing program here.

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Permission to Rest: What Happened When I Embraced Stillness

Permission to Rest: What Happened When I Embraced Stillness

“If you are continually judging and criticizing yourself while trying to be kind to others, you are drawing artificial boundaries and distinctions that only lead to feelings of separation and isolation.” ~Kristin Neff

I was lying on my couch again, Netflix playing in the background, when I heard my husband’s footsteps on the stairs. Instinctively, I reached for my phone, desperate to appear busy—productive—anything but resting.

For months, that had been my routine. As the severe anemia from my adenomyosis and fibroids worsened, I found myself increasingly couch-bound, dizzy, and exhausted. Yet each time my husband entered the room, I’d grab my phone and pretend to be working. Not because he expected it, but because I couldn’t bear to seem “lazy.”

But this particular day, three weeks after my hysterectomy, something shifted. When he walked in, I didn’t reach for my phone. I just stayed still, watching my show, drowning in guilt.

He smiled and said something so simple: “It’s good to see you resting.”

That’s when it hit me—a realization that would transform how I understood my own worth: I’m not a burden. I’m healing. I’m allowed to rest. He didn’t marry me for my productivity.

It shouldn’t have been a revelation, but it was.

The Productivity Trap

I’d always been in motion. Walking, working, cleaning, planning, doing. Even after having my son in 2019, I prioritized outings and experiences, determined to give him what financial limitations had prevented in my own childhood.

My husband and I had carefully divided our family responsibilities—he worked longer hours at his job, and I took on more household management, childcare, and projects. We focused on each contributing equal time to our family’s needs. It was balanced and fair, and it worked.

Until my body stopped cooperating.

What began as increasingly heavy periods evolved into daily bleeding so severe I couldn’t stand without dizziness. I fought against it at first, pushing through fatigue to maintain my “contribution.” I’d drag myself through household tasks, schedule outdoor activities for my son, and maintain appearances—all while growing weaker.

“If I’m not productive or contributing, then what good am I?” This thought haunted me as I sank deeper into the couch and further from the capable person I identified as.

When the doctor reviewed my iron levels, he said if his were that low, he “wouldn’t have been able to get off the floor,” yet I still resisted treatment (the iron infusions cost over $1,000). Only when our insurance changed did I relent, but by then, it was like adding drops to an empty bucket.

The diagnosis was clear: adenomyosis and large fibroids, a family legacy I’d inherited. Surgery—a hysterectomy—was inevitable, though I mourned the loss of having another child.

The six-month wait for surgery stretched my identity to its breaking point. Who was I if not the doer, the organizer, the capable one? What was my value when I couldn’t contribute?

The Hidden Voice

Growing up, I’d absorbed messages about worth from my father, who seemed physically incapable of sitting still. “If you have time to lean, you have time to clean” was the household mantra. Rest was for the weak, the lazy, the unworthy.

I’d spent a decade in personal growth work, deliberately unwinding these beliefs. Or so I thought.

But physical vulnerability has a way of stripping us back to our core programming. In pain, exhausted, and feeling useless, I reverted to that critical inner voice:

“You’re a burden. Everyone is suffering because of you. He’ll resent you for not doing your share. What value do you even have now?”

This voice—let’s call her Task-Master Tina—had been with me so long I didn’t recognize her as separate from my authentic self. Her criticisms felt like objective truth, not the outdated programming they actually were.

The surgery I thought would fix everything instead brought new lessons in surrender. The pain was excruciating. The recovery, slower than I’d imagined. And each time I attempted to rush back to “normal,” my body forced me back to the couch with unmistakable clarity.

That’s when I realized I needed tools to navigate this self-worth crisis—not just for recovery, but for the rest of my life.

Three Practices That Changed Everything

Through trial, error, and many Netflix documentaries watched from my couch, I discovered three practices that transformed my relationship with myself:

1. Name your inner critic.

That voice telling you you’re worthless without productivity isn’t actually you—it’s a critic you’ve internalized from past experiences. By naming this voice (mine was “Task-Master Tina”), you create distance between your authentic self and these automatic thoughts.

When I caught myself thinking, “I’m so lazy just lying here,” I’d pause and think, “That’s just Tina talking. She was programmed by my father’s workaholism. Her opinions aren’t facts.”

This simple act of naming created space between the thought and my response—what I later learned to call the “magic gap” where choice lives.

2. Challenge your limiting core belief.

Behind every critical thought is a core belief. Mine was: “My worth depends on what I contribute.”

To challenge this, I wrote down concrete evidence contradicting this belief:

  • My husband married me for who I am, not what I do.
  • Friends seek my company for connection, not productivity.
  • I would never measure a loved one’s worth by their output.
  • Worth is inherent in being human, not earned through action.

This wasn’t just positive thinking—it was deliberately examining whether my belief stood up to rational scrutiny. It didn’t.

3. Write yourself a permission slip.

Remember those permission slips from school? It turns out adults need them too.

I literally wrote on a piece of paper, “I, Sandy, give myself permission to rest without guilt while healing. I give myself permission to receive help without feeling like a burden.”

I placed it on my nightstand where I’d see it daily. Something about the physical act of writing and seeing this permission made it real in a way that thinking alone couldn’t accomplish.

When guilt surfaced, I’d read it aloud, reminding myself that I had authorized this behavior. It sounds simple, but this tangible permission slip became a powerful anchor during recovery.

The Deeper Lesson

As my physical strength gradually returned, I realized this experience had given me something invaluable: a new understanding of worth.

Worth isn’t something we earn through productivity or contribution. Worth is inherent. We don’t question a baby’s right to exist without producing anything. We don’t measure a loved one’s value by their output. Yet somehow, we apply different standards to ourselves.

I understand now that worthiness isn’t about productivity—it’s about authenticity. About aligning with your unique true nature rather than living your life to meet others’ expectations based on their personal values.

Compassion ranks high among my personal values, yet for years, I’d excluded myself from receiving this compassion. I’d created an exception clause where everyone deserved kindness except me.

Physical limitation forced me to extend to myself the same compassion I readily offered others. It wasn’t easy. It still isn’t. Old programming runs deep, and “Task-Master Tina” still visits occasionally.

But now, when she arrives, I have tools. I recognize her voice as separate from my truth. I challenge her outdated beliefs with evidence. And I have standing permission to prioritize healing and rest without apology.

This isn’t just about recovery from surgery. It’s about recovering the authentic self beneath layers of “shoulds” and external measures of value.

When we define worth through productivity, we live in constant fear of the inevitable moments when illness, age, or circumstance limit our output. When we anchor worth in authenticity instead, nothing can diminish our inherent value.

That’s the permission slip we all need but rarely give ourselves: permission to be worthy, just as we are, no matter what we produce.

About Sandy Woznicki

Sandy Woznicki is a stress coach helping parents find their inner calm and get to know, like, and trust themselves (so they can be the person, parent, and partner they are meant to be). Learn how to speak to yourself like someone you love with this free inner voice makeover workbook.

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Feeling Stuck? Maybe You Don’t Need to ‘Fix’ It Right Now

Feeling Stuck? Maybe You Don’t Need to ‘Fix’ It Right Now

“Growth is painful. Change is painful. But nothing is as painful as staying stuck where you do not belong.” ~N. R. Narayana Murthy

Anyone who had a Stretch Armstrong as a kid remembers that moment when you and a friend would test the limits of what good ol’ Armstrong could handle. You’d each grab an arm and slowly walk backward, waiting for that pivotal moment when either your strength would give out or Armstrong’s limbs would tear apart like a medieval torture device.

If you reached your strength limit, an older sibling would eagerly join in—nothing brought them more joy than watching your excitement dissolve into tears as Armstrong’s newly limbless body crossed the point of no return.

Why do we get stuck? We fail to define stuckness for what it is.

Feeling stuck does not mean your feet are superglued to the floor.

Being stuck is an active state that pulls you in opposite directions—just like Armstrong. One part says, “Don’t give up,” while another says, “This isn’t working.” No wonder it’s impossible to move forward. But what if, just for a moment, you didn’t have to choose?

What if you could just be with this stuckness without needing to solve it right now?

Maybe even acknowledging it, like, “I’m stuck, and it makes total sense considering all the shit going on in my life.”

I’m currently dealing with existential angst about my career. While there are so many advantages to working for yourself—no one telling you where to be or what to do and having freedom over your time—the downside is flipping that world upside down: with no one checking in, it’s painfully isolating. There’s no one to lean into or pick up the slack on hard days, and there’s no sense that you’re working toward a common goal. You own everything.

Warren Buffett’s right-hand man, Charlie Munger, famously stated, “Life is all about making wise choices and dealing with trade-offs. In business and elsewhere, I’ve yet to see a good example of something that’s totally free—there’s always a catch, always a cost.”

Being happy does not come from avoiding trade-offs but from being clear-eyed about which ones you’re willing to accept.

This is where I’m stuck. I’m not sure those trade-offs are worth it anymore. After eight-plus years of working solo, I’m hearing the siren call of a life I long for, being a part of a cause bigger than myself.

But how do you distinguish between times when you should sit with uncertainty and times when you need to take decisive action and stop overthinking?

Powerful question, eh?

There’s a real balance between giving something space and taking action; it can be hard to know what is needed.

This is the clarity that awareness can give us.

It’s an opportunity to notice the energy behind your desire to act.

Does action feel like it’s coming from urgency, fear, or the need to escape discomfort?

That’s a damn good sign action is not the answer.

Or do you have a sense of clarity, even if it’s not total certainty?

If the action feels like relief rather than running, that might be a sign it’s time to move.

When you think about taking action right now, does it feel like relief and alignment? Or does it feel more like panic and pressure?

I don’t have clarity. I don’t know what I want. I’m flooded with emotions.

My energy is pulsing with urgency, fear, and a need to escape the discomfort.

What does that tell me? I’m trying to make a decision from a place that’s not grounded.

That doesn’t mean I won’t take action—it just means my system needs more space, so I’m not making decisions from a place of fear.

In a culture that sees action as the only solution, it’s easy to be swept away by thinking movement is how we solve stuckness, but this comes back to failing to see it for what it is: You’re being pulled in opposite directions.

The faster you race toward answers, the more answers race away.

I’m no further ahead than you on this adventure. Life is unfolding for both of us, one day at a time.

Know that I see you.

Instead of taking action, would it feel supportive to take a small step toward grounding?

Maybe a deep breath, placing a hand on your heart, or even reminding yourself, “I don’t have to figure this all out right now.”

Would it feel okay to just acknowledge that for a moment? Letting all parts of you know, “I see the pain, I see the urgency, and I’m not ignoring you. I just want to move from a place of clarity, not fear.”

You don’t have to rush—just allow yourself to settle before deciding what’s next.

How does that feel?

Finding that starting point—where you feel grounded instead of just reacting—is everything.

About Chris Wilson

Chris is a dad, a coach, and someone who's rebuilt life from scratch. Through depression, job loss, and that silent burnout nobody talks about. Simplify Sundays, a community of a thousand-people strong, emerged from those dark days. Want to join? Start with the FREE weekly check-in. It takes less than three minutes. It's your chance to step back, breathe deep, and reconnect with what lights up your soul.

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A Free 3-Day Vacation to Calm Your Nervous System

A Free 3-Day Vacation to Calm Your Nervous System

Tell me, is your jaw clenched as you’re reading this? Are your shoulders hunched? Do you feel tension throughout your body that mirrors the constant buzz of stress within your mind?

I suspect we all feel like this far more often than we may even realize because, for many of us, it’s the norm. We push ourselves through one busy day after another, stuffing our feelings down in a constant state of agitation, without ever recognizing that our nervous systems are stuck in survival mode—and that we have the power to break free.

If any of this sounds familiar to you, I have a feeling you’ll love the latest FREE offering from Tiny Buddha contributor and this month’s site sponsor Diana Bird.

Your Nervous System’s Dream Vacation: A FREE 3-Day Restoring Inner Calm Experience 
April 28th–30th | Free to join | Replays available

Unlike most regular vacations, this isn’t about taking a break from life’s stressors. It’s about changing how your body responds to stress naturally and automatically.

It’s about learning to feel safe in your body so that your nervous system can finally exhale, and you can feel calm, grounded, and balanced—without needing anything to change around you.

And Diana is the perfect guide for this journey. As a neuro emotional wiring coach who formerly struggled with crippling stress and anxiety, Diana knows what it’s like to feel trapped and at the mercy of her emotions.

She also understands what it takes to find freedom from the pain of hypervigilance, which is why her work resonates with me so deeply. It’s not just about implementing short-term fixes for painful emotions; it’s about creating lasting change and long-term relief using exercises based in neuroscience.

Each day in Your Nervous System’s Dream Vacation, you’ll get:

✔ A one-hour restorative, somatic-based session
✔ Practical tools to help your body fully let go of emotional tension
✔ A live Q&A to get personalized support
✔ Simple practices you can return to anytime

Whether you’re feeling overwhelmed, exhausted, burnt out, or stuck in overthinking, this experience is for you.

This is the kind of support I wish I had years ago when my body felt electric with trauma-generated anxiety, and I had no idea how to turn it off. And it’s completely free, because Diana knows how much this kind of support is needed—especially now.

If you’ve tried all the tools (meditation, mindset work, breathwork…) and still feel like something’s missing, this could be what you’ve been looking for.

Join for free here.

Wishing you a peaceful, transformative journey!

About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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The Mean Instinct: Why We Exclude Others and How to Stop

The Mean Instinct: Why We Exclude Others and How to Stop

“In a world where you can be anything, be kind.” ~Unknown

“Girls are mean!” I nodded knowingly as my boss struggled to explain the difference between raising boys and girls. I couldn’t speak to raising boys, but I remembered all too well what it was like when my daughters were growing up.

Girls traveled in packs, always with a leader at the helm. And almost every week, one of the lesser-ranked members was cast out, ostracized from the group. More often than not, it was one of my daughters. I distinctly recall their heartbreak—the kind of deep, inconsolable sorrow that only a child can feel when their world is upended.

Then, just as suddenly as they had been exiled, the social winds would shift. They’d be welcomed back into the fold, all smiles and laughter, as if the agony of rejection had never happened. And just like that, it was another poor girl’s turn to bear the brunt of exclusion. My daughters, now safely back in favor, never hesitated to play along, inflicting the same pain they had so recently endured—all in an effort to stay in the leader’s good graces.

It’s easy to think of this as just ‘girl drama,’ but is it really? I found myself wondering: is meanness learned, or is it wired into us? And oddly enough, my horse helped me answer that question.

From Outcast to Enforcer

A few years ago, I moved her to a new home, where she had to integrate into an unfamiliar herd. The top mare wasted no time making it clear—she didn’t like my mare. For two weeks, every time I arrived, I’d find her standing alone on the outskirts, gazing longingly at the hay she wasn’t allowed near. And every time, she would run to me, silently pleading for help.

It reminded me so much of my daughters. It broke my heart.

But then, something shifted. Slowly, she earned her place. She ingratiated herself with the top mare. They became inseparable—best friends. And soon enough, it was my mare turning on the others, asserting her own dominance.

Watching my mare transform from the outcast to the enforcer unsettled me. I realized—this wasn’t cruelty. It was instinct. The unspoken rules of survival. And the more I thought about it, the more I saw those same rules playing out in my own life.

Sure, we may not bite or chase each other away from the hay, but we have our own ways of keeping the social hierarchy in check. The whispers. The inside jokes are at someone else’s expense. The subtle shifts in who gets included and who doesn’t.

Had I been any different? Had I, too, learned to play the game—shifting, adapting, and excluding, not out of cruelty but out of the same deep, instinctual need to belong?

Were We the Mean Girls?

I don’t really remember the “mean girls” when I was in school. But looking back… that probably means I was one.

I never thought of myself as particularly cruel, but I do remember moments that make me wince now. One in particular stands out.

There was a girl in my class—let’s call her Claire. She was bright and talented, and she attended speech and drama classes. One day, in a rare moment of vulnerability, she opened up to us. She admitted that when she was younger, her parents had sent her to those classes because she had a speech impediment. She had worked hard to overcome it, and in that moment, she was trusting us with a piece of her story.

And how did we respond?

We laughed. And worse—we turned it into a joke. Every time she was in earshot, we’d start singing “Words Don’t Come Easy.” It was meant to be funny, just harmless teasing. At least, that’s what I told myself at the time. But now, I cringe at the memory.

She had been brave enough to share something real, and instead of honoring that courage, we used it against her.

At the time, I didn’t think of myself as mean. I wasn’t the ringleader, just someone going along with the joke. But does that really make it any better? Looking back, I realize that staying silent—or worse, laughing along—makes you just as much a part of the problem.

If anyone I went to school with happens to read this—especially Claire—I’m sorry.

Do We Grow Out of It?

I’d like to believe that kind of behavior is just a phase—something we grow out of as we mature, as our empathy deepens, as we learn to control our baser instincts. After all, kids can be cruel, but their brains aren’t fully developed. They act on impulse, driven more by the need to belong than by a true desire to hurt anyone.

Surely, then, adulthood brings wisdom. Surely, we learn to be better.

Sadly, that’s not always the case.

We like to think we’ve evolved beyond schoolyard cliques, but the truth is, meanness just becomes more subtle. Instead of playground exclusions, it’s office gossip. Instead of outright teasing, it’s backhanded compliments and judgmental whispers. The tactics change, but the instinct remains.

How to Break the Cycle and Choose Kindness

The instinct to exclude, judge, or tear others down may be wired into us, but unlike my mare, we have something powerful: awareness and choice. We don’t have to follow our instincts—we can rise above them. Here’s how.

1. Recognize the pattern.

The first step to change is awareness. Meanness doesn’t always look like outright bullying—it can be as subtle as rolling your eyes at someone’s success or staying silent when a friend is being excluded. Start paying attention to the moments when judgment, gossip, or exclusion creep in. Ask yourself:

  • Why am I doing this?
  • What am I gaining?
  • How would I feel if I were on the receiving end?

2. Challenge the scarcity mindset.

Much of our instinctive meanness comes from a deep-seated belief that success, beauty, or belonging is limited—that if another woman shines, it somehow dims our light. But that’s simply not true. There is enough success, happiness, and love to go around. Lifting others up doesn’t take anything away from you—it strengthens everyone.

3. Replace gossip with encouragement.

Gossip is a social bonding tool—we do it to feel connected. But there’s a better way. Next time you’re tempted to tear someone down in conversation, flip the script.

Instead of:

“Did you see what she was wearing?”

Say:

“I love how confident she is to wear that!”

Compliments—especially when given freely, without expectation—have a way of shifting the energy in a room.

4. Make kindness a habit.

Kindness isn’t just about grand gestures—it’s in the small, daily choices.

  • Smile at a stranger.
  • Invite the quiet colleague to lunch.
  • Defend the person being talked about behind their back.
  • Support your friends’ successes without comparison.

The more you practice, the more natural it becomes.

5. Teach the next generation.

If you have children, especially daughters, talk to them about social dynamics. Share your own experiences. Show them what healthy friendships look like.

When they come home upset because they were left out—or because they left someone else out—help them navigate those feelings with empathy and self-awareness.

6. Be the one who makes room at the table.

In every social group, workplace, or community, there are people on the outskirts—just like my mare once was. You have the power to invite them in. Inclusion is a choice. So, the next time you see someone being left out, be the person who makes space for them.

Final Reflection: Who Do You Want to Be?

Every day, we have a choice. Not just in grand, dramatic moments—but in the quiet, ordinary ones.

The choice to include.

The choice to uplift.

The choice to be better.

So today, ask yourself: Who needs a seat at your table? And will you make room?

About Samantha Carolan

Sam Carolan is a personal development blogger and EFT coach passionate about helping women embrace the beauty and challenges of midlife. Through her work at Loving Midlife, she offers insights, tools, and inspiration to navigate life’s transitions with grace and resilience. When she’s not writing or coaching, Sam enjoys reading, horse riding, and yoga.

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