How to Stop Living to Please and Stay True to Yourself

“When you say yes to others, make sure you aren’t saying no to yourself.” ~Paulo Coelho

Have you ever felt like no matter how much you give, it’s never enough? Like your worth is measured by how useful, accommodating, or strong you can be for others?

This invisible burden is what I call the Good Girl / Good Boy Wound—a deep-seated conditioning that tells us our value lies in pleasing others, even at the cost of losing ourselves.

For generations, we’ve been taught to shape ourselves according to the expectations of those around us. Girls are often encouraged to be ‘nice’ and agreeable, while boys are praised for toughness and independence. These messages shape us into adults who struggle to know who we truly are beyond what we can do for others.

I lived under the spell of this conditioning for much of my life, constantly striving to be “good” in the eyes of family, teachers, and colleagues. I excelled at meeting expectations, suppressing my needs, and avoiding any behavior that might be deemed “selfish.” But over time, I began to realize that the more I lived this way, the more disconnected I became from my own essence.

I wasn’t free—I was imprisoned by a set of rules that kept me from accessing my true power.

Surrendering Superwoman and Superman

For years, my Good Girl Wound hid itself behind the role of Superwoman. I believed that if I just tried harder, gave more, and proved my worth through my achievements, I would finally feel whole. But instead of feeling empowered, I felt drained and disconnected.

The moment of reckoning came when I realized that I didn’t actually know how to be myself—I only knew how to be useful.

Where had that idea come from? I think it’s everywhere in our culture—the need to prove our worth. I remember when I was about fourteen years old being deeply impacted by a commercial for the perfume Enjoli that ran all summer long. I can still see the woman and hear the jingle in my head.

“I can bring home the bacon,
fry it up in a pan,
and never, ever let him forget he’s a man,
‘cause I’m a woman!”

The tagline was, “The eight-hour perfume for your twenty-four-hour woman!” It’s laughable now, but at the time, it cut me to my core.

I grew up watching my mom try to please my highly critical dad, and never quite managing it. My dad, it seemed, held all the power. If we did as he expected, life was pretty good. But if not, there would be hell to pay. The message was clear—love was earned, not given freely, and it could be withheld at any time if we disappointed him.

Consequently, I grew up believing that my value had always been tied to what I could do for others, not to the truth of who I was. I am far from alone in this.

The relentless drive we have all been taught to embrace can lead to a perpetual sense of never doing enough, having enough, or even being enough. This dilemma is gender neutral and often sits at the heart of our sense of self-worth.

Letting go of the Super-persona required me to confront my deepest fears: Would I still be loved if I stopped over-giving? Would I still be worthy if I prioritized my own needs?

The answer, of course, was yes. But first, I had to reclaim my sovereignty.

Embracing Your Sovereign Power

Healing our wounding isn’t about rejecting kindness or care—it’s about learning to offer those gifts from a place of fullness rather than depletion. It’s about reclaiming the parts of ourselves that we abandoned in order to fit in. It’s about choosing to stand in our truth, even when it’s uncomfortable.

If you’ve ever felt guilty for setting boundaries, struggled to ask for help, or found yourself constantly prioritizing others at your own expense, you’re not alone. These behaviors often stem from deep-seated beliefs that tell us:

• “My worth is based on how much I do for others.”
• “If I say no, I’ll be letting people down.”
• “It’s selfish to put myself first.”
• “I should be able to handle everything on my own.”

These beliefs can be incredibly powerful, shaping our decisions and keeping us stuck in cycles of self-criticism and self-sacrifice. We often lose our way.

The good news is that we can break free from these old patterns when we begin to recognize them.

Shifting Beliefs and Accepting Support

To truly embrace your own needs and desires, it’s important to rewire the subconscious messages that keep you stuck. Here are some ways to begin shifting your mindset and creating lasting change:

1. Rewire the narrative.

Start by questioning the beliefs that hold you back. Ask yourself:

• Where did I learn this belief?
• Is it absolutely true, or is it a story I’ve been told?
• What would change if I believed something different?

Replacing outdated beliefs with more empowering ones, such as “My needs matter just as much as anyone else’s,” can be a game-changer.

2. Practice receiving.

Many of us are comfortable giving but struggle with receiving. Start small—accept a compliment without deflecting, allow someone to help you with a task, or say “yes” to an offer of support. Notice any discomfort that arises and remind yourself that you are worthy of care.

3. Own your desires.

Often, we suppress our true desires because we’ve been taught that they aren’t important. Take time to reconnect with yourself:

• What lights you up?
• What do you long for?
• If no one else’s needs were a factor, what would you choose for yourself?

Writing down your desires—even if they feel impossible right now—can help bring them into focus and make them feel more real.

4. Set boundaries with love.

Saying no can feel uncomfortable, but boundaries are an act of self-respect. Practice simple, clear statements like:

• “I appreciate the ask, but I’m not available for that.”
• “I need some time for myself right now.”
• “That doesn’t work for me, but here’s what I can offer.”

When we set boundaries from a place of love—both for ourselves and for others—we create space for deeper, more authentic relationships.

5. Surround yourself with support.

Breaking lifelong patterns is challenging, and you don’t have to do it alone. Seek out people who uplift you, who respect your boundaries, and who encourage your growth. Whether it’s a coach, therapist, friend, or community, having support makes all the difference.

Sovereign Living: Embracing a New Way of Being

Choosing to honor your needs and desires doesn’t mean disregarding others—it means showing up in relationships as a whole, authentic person. When you give from a place of fullness rather than depletion, your generosity becomes a gift rather than an obligation. By standing in your truth, you step into a life of greater ease, joy, and alignment.

Sovereign living is not a one-time event—it is an ongoing practice of choosing to stay true to yourself as you care for others. It is the work of dismantling old stories and embracing a new way of being. And most of all, it is about remembering that you are already whole, already worthy, and already free.

So ask yourself: What is one small way you can reclaim your sovereignty today? Maybe it’s setting a boundary, allowing yourself to receive, or simply recognizing your worth is not tied to what you do. Your journey to sovereignty starts with a single choice—what will yours be?

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About Dr. Rima Bonario

Dr. Rima Bonario is a Dream Weaver, Soul-Coach, and Wild-Heart Healer who helps women reclaim their sovereignty and create lives filled with joy, purpose, and abundance. She is the author of The Seven Queendoms: A Soul-Map for Embodying Sacred Feminine Sovereignty. Learn more at rimabonario.com.

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Feeling Stuck, Anxious, or Lost? Choose Your Free Guide

If you’ve felt stuck lately, you’re not alone.

Since I launched the (very delayed) ​Best You, Best Life bundle​ on Monday, I’ve heard from so many people who are going through a lot right now—emotionally, mentally, and energetically.

Maybe you’re stuck in survival mode—going through the motions, numb and disconnected, longing for joy and meaning.

Maybe you’re overwhelmed by anxiety, dread, or the constant feeling that something’s wrong—even if you don’t know what it is.

Or maybe you’re a deeply feeling person who’s taken on everyone else’s pain, and now you’re not sure where you went.

Lately, I’ve been struggling with the second, carrying more than I comfortably can and grappling with all kinds of emotions about the many things I can’t control—mostly related to the people I love. And honestly some days, it feels like I’m holding my breath and trying not to fall apart.

Some days I do fall apart. And that’s okay. For all of us. Other days we just need a little help so we can do more than merely make it through the day.

That’s why I’ve put together three free PDF guides, each one designed to support you (and me) with one of these challenges.

Which of these feels most true for you right now?

Living (or barely functioning) in survival mode

Dealing with emotional overwhelm or anxiety

Feeling lost in the world as a deeply feeling person

Click on the one that resonates most right now, and you’ll get instant access to a short, supportive workbook to help you start feeling better (no email address required).

Each guide includes reflection prompts, practical steps you can take to feel a little relief, and a series of ‘permission slips’ to help you breathe a little easier—plus a peek at a course from the bundle that offers deeper help for that specific issue.

I hope this helps you bring a little more peace, ease, and light into your day.

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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How Avoiding Painful Emotions Can Lead to a Smaller Life

“Being cut off from our own natural self-compassion is one of the greatest impairments we can suffer.” ~Gabor Mate

Most of us avoid experiences not necessarily because we don’t like them or want them, but because we don’t want to feel how we will feel when we go through that experience.

Our lives become altered by the emotions we don’t want to feel because we don’t want to move toward the thing that could bring strong emotions like fear, shame, sadness, or disappointment.

We don’t want to go to that party because we’ll probably feel awkward and embarrassed.

We don’t want to chase that work opportunity in case we feel disappointed if it doesn’t work out.

We don’t want to take that trip because it might feel scary.

We don’t want to slow down our busy lives because it feels too terrifying to contemplate emptiness and quiet.

And then we get this idea about ourselves that this is just who we are. We are just:

• People who don’t like parties
• People who don’t travel
• People who are fearful
• People who are procrastinators
• People who are just busy but intensely stressed

We have this idea that this is just who we are, and therefore, this is how we should live. Perhaps we feel an anger or an anguish at being “this type of person.” Or maybe it just feels so unconscious, so embedded in our personality, that we don’t do certain things, that we accept it as just the way we are. 

For most of my life I thought I was a nervous, cautious, fearful person. That was just how I was born. I thought I couldn’t change it, just like I couldn’t change my hair color or my deep love for mashed potatoes. It felt biological. Some people were brave and courageous; I was fearful and afraid of almost everything.

I carried this with me, this idea about who I was, until I learned that emotions like fear and terror, anger and rage, and despair or sadness are just emotions that we need to learn how to be with. And if we don’t learn how to be with them, they can create an outsized influence on our lives—creating this idea about who we are and what kind of personality we have and causing us to avoid things that trigger these feelings.

But what we are actually avoiding is not the experience, people, or things but the feelings we feel when we think about that thing or try to do it. The feelings around meeting new people, starting a new work project, being in the thick of the uncertainty of traveling, etc.

It’s the feelings that are so difficult for us, not the experiences. So we start to make choices on what we are prepared to do and what we are not. We mold our lives around the things that generate emotions we don’t know how to be with. And we don’t head toward things we don’t like because of how we will feel and what we think will happen when we walk toward that feeling.

Because our body isn’t used to really being with the emotion we are avoiding, or it has proved problematic in the past.

This is because a lot of our emotions activate our survival network. And when our survival network has been activated, things feel urgent, maybe even dangerous, unsafe.

Maybe we have sweaty palms, a feeling of doom in our bodies, a racing heart, a desire to escape quickly, panic, or even an abundance of uncontrollable rage.

So our brain starts to associate this emotion with survival being activated. It’s like it labels “new work opportunity” or “traveling” as an undesirable or unsafe experience because of the emotions that generate around that experience.

We just don’t know what to do with these emotions.

Our brains say, “Don’t go near that! It’s dangerous!”

So we become like a player in a video game, running around avoiding falling boulders, jumping over pits of snakes, maneuvering out of the way of giant fireballs.

But what our brain perceives as threats are not actually threats but emotions it doesn’t know what to do with.

The pits of snakes aren’t snakes but fear around traveling. Or the boulders are the fear of disappointment or despair. Avoiding the fireballs is trying to avoid shame.

The harsh thing, though, is that even though we are trying to sensibly avoid these emotions, these survival reactions, we don’t get to avoid them completely.

The shame, the fear, the rage, the terror—they are there in our body and popping up in other places. We can’t avoid them completely, and by trying to avoid them, we simply make our lives smaller and smaller and smaller.

Are we doomed to spend our lives in avoidance mode?

Do we just have to accept that some things are just  “too hard,” “too stressful,” “not for people like us”?

No. Way.

That is the really exciting thing about our brains. We have learned to be this way because of how we learned to deal with emotions. But that doesn’t mean we can’t learn a new way. That we can’t ‘rewire’ the responses we have learned.

By working with my own fear, by learning how to be with it, I stopped feeling so scared about everything in my life. I totally changed how I saw myself.  I no longer believe myself to be a fearful, overly cautious person.

I gave myself time to learn to be with the energy of the fear in a way that was so gentle and slow that it helped me to feel safe around the emotion in a way I never had before.

I realized that the problem is not that we are avoiding our emotions on purpose; it’s that we don’t understand them.

This is what is so hard about how so many of us learn to live our lives.

We aren’t given the tools to work with our emotions (most of us aren’t anyway), and then we are cast out into the world to just ‘make a life.’

Have good relationships!

Be successful! Get a good job!

Cope with work colleagues / clients / stressed-out bosses.

Deal with grief, aging, health problems, loved ones dying!

Be a good parent, even if your parents were a little shoddy, absent, authoritarian, unloving.

How are we supposed to navigate the world when it generates so much emotion for us and we never learned how to deal with emotion? When we feel constantly pushed hither and thither either by our emotional reactions or other people’s?

Awakening the act of self-compassion and empathy for the emotions we struggle with is one of the most powerful steps we can take when we start this journey.

Deciding: Wow, I wasn’t given the tools to navigate the whole myriad of emotions that I encounter every day! And that is tough!

Giving ourselves a little grace, a little tenderness, a little understanding around this is such a powerful step away from how we normally respond to emotional activation.

Can we offer ourselves some kindness and understanding instead of blame and judgment? It makes sense I feel like this—I haven’t learned how to deal with emotions like shame, fear, grief, etc.

Offering compassion in the face of strong emotional reactions is a powerful step because normally we are in the habit of trying to dismiss/justify/vent our feelings: I shouldn’t feel like this! It’s all their fault! I am such a terrible person! Everything is so terrifying! They made me angry!

Instead, can we decide to start walking toward being on our own side? Can we accept the challenges we have faced with emotions? And instead of blaming and shaming ourselves, can we decide instead to move toward kindness, understanding, empathy, and compassion?

When we allow our emotions to exist and meet them with empathy, creating a sense of internal safety around them, it’s much easier to support ourselves through experiences that might activate them.

—

Editor’s Note: If anxiety, dread, or emotional overwhelm have been hijacking your days—and you’re ready for something deeper than mindset shifts or surface-level advice—Diana Bird’s Emotional Reset Workshop can help. In just three days, you’ll learn science-backed, body-based tools to stop the anxiety spiral and calm your nervous system from the inside out. It’s one of 14+ powerful resources in the Best You, Best Life Bundle, available for 95% off through Wednesday. Click here to learn more or get the bundle

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About Diana Bird

Diana Bird is a Neuro-Emotional coach and writer who helps people break free from overwhelm, panic and dread, stepping into calm and confidence. Sign up for her free emotional-processing mini workshop and receive powerful tools, free training, and ongoing support to transform your emotional well-being. Take the first step toward lasting emotional change. Diana lives in southern Spain with her two children and photographer husband.

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5 Powerful Mindset Shifts to Stop Worrying About What Other People Think

“Care about what other people think and you will always be their prisoner.” ~Lao Tzu

We carefully pick out what we wear to the gym to make sure we look good in the eyes of the other gymgoers.

We beat ourselves up after meetings, running through everything we said (or didn’t say), worried that coworkers will think we aren’t smart or talented enough.

We post only the best picture out of the twenty-seven selfies we took and add a flattering filter to get the most likes to prove to ourselves that we are pretty and likable.

We live in other people’s heads.

And all it does is make us judge ourselves more harshly. It makes us uncomfortable in our own bodies. It makes us feel apologetic for being ourselves. It makes us live according to our perception of other people’s standards.

It makes us feel inauthentic. Anxious. Judgmental. Not good enough. Not likable enough. Not smart enough. Not pretty enough.

F that sh*t.

The truth is, other people’s opinions of us are none of our business. Their opinions have nothing to do with us and everything to do with them, their past, their judgments, their expectations, their likes, and their dislikes.

I could stand in front of twenty strangers and speak on any topic. Some of them will hate what I’m wearing, some will love it. Some will think I’m a fool, and others will love what I have to say. Some will forget me as soon as they leave, others will remember me for years.

Some will hate me because I remind them of their annoying sister-in-law. Others will feel compassionate toward me because I remind them of their daughter. Some will completely understand what I have to say, and others will misinterpret my words.

Each of them will get the exact same me. I will do my best and be the best I can be in that moment. But their opinions of me will vary. And that has nothing to do with me and everything to do with them.

No matter what I do, some people will never like me. No matter what I do some people will always like me. Either way, it has nothing to do with me. And it’s none of my business.

Ok, “that’s all well and good,” you may be thinking. “But how do I stop caring what other people think of me?”

1. Know your values.

Knowing your top core values is like having a brighter flashlight to get you through the woods. A duller light may still get you where you need to go, but you’ll stumble more or be led astray.

With a brighter light, the decisions you make—left or right, up or down, yes or no—become clearer and easier to make.

For years I had no idea what I truly valued, and I felt lost in life as a result. I never felt confident in my decisions, and I questioned everything I said and did.

Doing core values work on myself has made a huge impact on my life. I came to realize that “compassion” is my top core value. Now when I find myself questioning my career decisions because I’m worried about disappointing my parents (a huge trigger for me), I remind myself that “compassion” also means “self-compassion,” and I’m able to cut myself some slack.

If you value courage and perseverance and you show up at the gym even though you are nervous and have “lame” gym clothes, you don’t have to dwell on what the other gymgoers think about you.

If you value inner peace and you need to say “no” to someone who is asking for your time, and your plate is already full to the max, you can do so without feeling like they will judge you for being a selfish person.

If you value authenticity and you share your opinion in a crowd, you can do so with confidence knowing that you are living your values and being yourself.

Know your core values and which ones you value the most. Your flashlight will be brighter for it.

2. Know to stay in your own business.

Another way to stop caring about what other people think is to understand that there are three types of business in the world. This is a lesson I learned from Byron Katie, and I love it.

The first is God’s business. If the word “God” isn’t to your liking, you can use another word here that works for you, like the universe or nature. I think I like nature better, so I’ll use that.

The weather is nature’s business. Who dies and who is born is nature’s business. The body and genes you were given are nature’s business. You have no place in nature’s business. You can’t control it.

The second type of business is other people’s business. What they do is their business. What your neighbor thinks of you is his business. What time your coworker comes into work is her business. If the driver in the other car doesn’t go when the light turns green, it’s their business.

The third type of business is your business.

If you get angry with the other driver because you now have to wait at another red light, that’s your business.

If you get irritated because your coworker is late again, that’s your business.

If you are worried about what your neighbor thinks of you, that’s your business.

What they think is their business. What you think (and in turn, feel) is your business.

Whose business are you in when you’re worried about what you’re wearing? Whose business are you in when you dwell on how your joke was received at the party?

You only have one business to concern yourself with—yours. What you think and what you do are the only things you can control in life. That’s it.

3. Know that you have full ownership over your feelings.

When we base our feelings on other people’s opinions, we are allowing them to control our lives. We’re basically allowing them to be our puppet master, and when they pull the strings just right, we either feel good or bad.

If someone ignores you, you feel bad. You may think, “She made me feel this way by ignoring me.” But the truth is, she has no control over how you feel.

She ignored you, and you assigned meaning to that action. To you, that meant that you were not worth her time, or you were not likable enough, smart enough, or cool enough.

Then you felt sad or mad because of the meaning you applied. You had an emotional reaction to your own thought.

When we give ownership of our feelings over to others, we give up control over our emotions. The fact of the matter is, the only person that can hurt your feelings is you.

To change how other people’s actions make you feel, you only need to change a thought. This step sometimes takes a bit of work because our thoughts are usually automatic or even on the unconscious level, so it may take some digging to figure out what thought is causing your emotion.

But once you do, challenge it, question it, or accept it. Your emotions will follow.

4. Know that you are doing your best.

One of the annoying things my mom would say growing up (and she still says) is “You did the best you could with what you had at the time.”

I hated that saying.

I had high standards of myself, and I always thought that I could have done better. So when I didn’t meet those expectations, my inner bully would come out and beat the crap out of me.

How much of your life have you spent kicking yourself because you thought you said something dumb? Or because you showed up late? Or that you looked weird?

Every time, you did the best you could. Every. Single. Time.

That’s because everything we do has a positive intent. It may not be obvious, but it’s there.

Literally as I’m writing this post sitting in a tea shop in Portland, Maine, another patron went to the counter and asked what types of tea he could blend with his smoky Lapsang Souchong tea (a favorite of mine as well).

He hadn’t asked me, but I chimed in that maybe chaga mushroom would go well because of its earthy flavor. He seemed unimpressed with the unsolicited advice and turned back to the counter.

The old me would have taken that response to heart and felt terrible the rest of the afternoon, thinking how this guy must think I’m a dope and annoying for jumping into the conversation uninvited.

But let’s take a look at what I had in that moment:

• I had an urge to try to be helpful and a core value of kindness and compassion.
• I had an interest in the conversation.
• I had an impression that my feedback might be well received.
• I had a desire to connect with a new person on a shared interest.

I did the best I could with what I had.

Because I know that, I have no regrets. I also know that his opinion of me is none of my business, and I was living in tune with my values, trying to be helpful!

Though, I could also see how, from another perspective, forcing my way into a conversation and pushing my ideas on someone who did not ask may have been perceived as rude. And rudeness goes against my core value of compassion.

That leads me to the next lesson.

5. Know that everyone makes mistakes.

We live in a culture where we don’t often talk about how we feel. It turns out we all experience the same feelings, and we all make mistakes. Go figure!

Even if you are living in tune with your values, even if you are staying in your own business, even if you are doing your best, you will make mistakes. Without question.

So what? We all do. We all have. Having compassion for yourself comes easier when you understand that everyone has felt that way. Everyone has gone through it.

The only productive thing you can do with your mistakes is to learn from them. Once you figure out the lesson you can take from the experience, rumination is not at all necessary, and it’s time to move on.

In the case of tea patron-interjection debacle, I could have done a better job of reading his body language and noticed that he wanted to connect with the tea sommelier and not a random stranger.

Lesson learned. No self-bullying required.

At my last company I accidentally caused a company-wide upset. A friend and coworker of mine, who had been at the company for a few years, had been asking to get a better parking spot. One became available as someone left the company, but he still was passed over.

He’s such a nice guy, and as my department was full of sarcastics, I thought it would be funny to create a pun-filled petition for him to get the better spot.

I had no idea that it was going to be taken so poorly by some people. It went up the chain of command, and it looked like our department was full of unappreciative, needy whiners.

And our boss thought it looked like I used my position to coerce people into signing it. He brought the whole department together and painfully and uncomfortably called out the whole terrible situation and demanded it never happen again.

I. Was. MORTIFIED.

He hadn’t named me, but most people knew I created it. I was so embarrassed and ashamed.

But here’s what I did:

1. I reminded myself of my values. I value compassion and humor. I thought I was doing a kind but funny act for a friend.
2. When I found myself worrying about what other people must now think of me, I told myself that if they thought poorly of me (of which I had no evidence), all I could do was to continue to be my best me.
3. When flashbacks of that awful meeting came back to mind, flushing my face full of heat and shame, I remembered to take ownership over how I felt and not let the memory of the event or what other people think dictate how I feel now.
4. I reminded myself that I did the best I could with what I had at the time. I had a desire to help a friend and an idea I thought was funny and assumed would go over well.
5. I realized that I made a mistake. The lesson I learned was to be more considerate of how others may receive my sense of humor. Not everyone finds me as funny as my husband does. I can make better decisions now because of it.

And after a short time, the whole incident was forgotten.

Stop worrying about what other people think. It will change your life.

—

Editor’s Note: If you often worry about what others think, you know how exhausting it is to live in your head, second-guessing everything you do or say. Sandy’s course Meditation in Action (included in the Best You, Best Life Bundle) can help you quiet that inner noise and stay calm and centered—even in the middle of daily life. Click here to learn more about the 14+ life-changing tools we’re offering for the price of one—available for just nine more days!

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About Sandy Woznicki

Sandy Woznicki is a stress coach helping parents find their inner calm and get to know, like, and trust themselves (so they can be the person, parent, and partner they are meant to be). Learn how to speak to yourself like someone you love with this free inner voice makeover workbook.

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Why You’re Not Happy (Even If Life Looks Fine)

Do you sometimes see people running around enjoying life and wonder what you’re missing? Sometimes I used to think I must be a horrible person. I had so many things going for me, and I still couldn’t be happy. I would ask myself, is there something wrong with me? Am I a narcissist?

Then sometimes I would decide I was just going to be happy. I would fake it until I made it and just accept that’s who I was. But it wouldn’t take long for me to feel overwhelmingly depressed.

I had a little dark hole that would constantly pull at me, and I didn’t have the energy to keep ignoring it. My attempts to do so just made it scream louder, and then I really was in a mess. This, of course, made me feel worse because it would remind me that I must be crazy.

As I worked through my healing journey, I discovered there are three key reasons why we can’t just muscle up and be happy. We need to work through these three obstacles to move from just surviving and having moments of happiness to thriving and living a life full of joy and inspiration. To living a life where we love who we are and what we are doing and have hope for the future.

Life is never perfect, but it sure is a lot more enjoyable and fun when we love, enjoy, and fully experience the present moments we are in.

So what are these obstacles? And what strategies can you use to work through them?

1. Validate Past Experiences

When you don’t fully validate and process painful past experiences, the energy of those experiences gets trapped and contained within your body.

It takes consistent and continual emotional energy to keep the walls around those experiences high and the energy within contained. The energy and emotion inside are deep and strong, and to keep these feelings away from our consciousness. we can’t allow ourselves to experience any deep or strong feelings, even the good ones.

Allowing yourself to pull down these walls and grieve all the deep and strong feelings inside will free your emotional energy to feel deep and strong happy feelings too.

For me, this meant feeling and processing the sexual abuse I endured as a child.

For years I convinced myself that I was fine and that it happens to almost everyone. I tried to minimize my experience and leave it in the past. The walls I had built to keep all the grief and pain of those experiences out of my conscious daily awareness drained me and prevented me from feeling life in real time. I was guarded, with very shallow access to my feelings.

No one wants to go back and work through the pain of the past, but I discovered that doing grief work with my therapist allowed me to truly let go of the pain and thrive in the present.

2. Let Go of the Need for Control

When you’ve been hurt in the past, it is normal to want to curate a life where you can’t get hurt again. We create a sense of safety by ensuring our life is as predictable as possible. Any time someone in our circle acts in a way that is outside our control, we ensure they “get back in line” so we feel safe.

For example, if your partner doesn’t immediately return your text, you might get upset and lash out about how disrespectful he is being. If your kids don’t seem to be as concerned about their grades as you think they should be, you might panic and shame them, saying they will be stuck working in fast food restaurants for the rest of their lives. We want everyone to act as we think they “should,” so our world feels nice and safe and predictable.

Zoom out and look at this scenario… Could it be any more boring? No wonder it’s impossible to feel true joy and happiness. Joy and happiness come from the ability to be spontaneous, light, free, and unpredictable.

I think a lot of people mistake feeling safe for feeling happy. Being in a constant search for safety keeps us in survival mode. Knowing you are safe with yourself no matter what allows you to move out of survival and into a higher consciousness that brings joy, pleasure… and happiness.

It is true that many of us have very real pain from the past, and it is perfectly normal to want to protect ourselves from feeling that pain again by attempting to curate a life we can fully control. This is an unconscious decision we make out of self-protection.

Choose to make the conscious decision to let go of control. Trust that you now have all the resources within yourself to feel safe, no matter what happens. Releasing the need to control will bring you the ability to feel joy, pleasure, and fun again.

This one was difficult for me and took a long time to integrate. Because of my abusive childhood experiences, I overcompensated for my feelings of worthlessness and lack of safety with a drive for success and perfectionism to try to control how others perceived me.

If my co-worker wasn’t pulling her weight, I would stay late and work weekends to ensure the work was done, and done well. If my husband wouldn’t spend time with me or plan dates, I would plan dates and put all the reservations in his name so it looked like he was investing in me and our relationship. If my kids were not interested in wearing outfits that I thought would make our family look perfect, I would bribe them with candy so we could look good and put together as a family.

I thought that making myself and my family look like we had it together meant that we did, and we would therefore be happy. Man, this couldn’t be further from the truth, and it actually drove not just myself but everyone in the family system in the opposite direction.

No one likes to be manipulated, and even if we can’t exactly identify that’s what is happening, we feel it. Honestly, I had a bit of an identity crisis as I let go of how I wanted life to look and embraced living and feeling life in real time. What I can say is that since I’ve let go of control, life has been full of more peace and joy than I knew possible.

3. Look for Happiness

What we look for, we will find. There is a reason we constantly hear people talk about gratitude. When we look for things we’re grateful for, things we enjoy or love, we create more of those things in our lives. We begin to see how much joy and happiness we already have.

We so often completely overlook the goodness that’s all around us because we are preconditioned to see and experience all the things that are going wrong.

This third step is caused by not working through the first two. When we haven’t validated our past painful experiences, we look for validation in all our current painful experiences.

It’s like those experiences keep haunting us until we take the time to turn around and look at them. They cloud our ability to see the happiness we already have all around us. We can’t experience the innocence and joy in our children. Nor can we accept the love and connection our friends want to offer us or appreciate all the amazing things we are doing well at work.

When we are stuck in the need for control, we look for all future outcomes that will help us to stay safe instead of looking for all the joy and pleasure that is already in our life. We don’t have enough bandwidth to do both, at least not all at once; so, for example, if we spend all our time subconsciously looking for ways someone else might hurt or abandon us, then we don’t have the energy left to look for joy and pleasure in our relationships.

One day I had to make a choice. I decided I had had enough of being tired, frustrated, and miserable. I knew it would take a while for my circumstances to change, but that didn’t mean I had to stay stuck and feel isolated, frustrated, and lonely.

I made the hard choice to look for happiness. At first, I would journal things I found happiness in, and over time it became more subconscious than conscious. It also helped to talk about it with a good friend, as we both challenged each other in looking for happiness.

Sometimes I still struggle. If I haven’t been taking care of myself, this one is the first to slip. I start to slide back into an old pattern of looking for how life is screwing me over. I know that I’m better able to keep my mindset in happiness when I engage in self-care as often as possible.

If enough is enough and you are ready to move on from feeling like you are just surviving life, implement the following three strategies to overcome the obstacles to joy.

First, start journaling or processing your feelings about past experiences. It could be a good idea to do this step with a professional, depending on what you have been through.

Next, start identifying how much control you have over your life and the people around you and see where you can loosen up the reins a little.

I can almost hear you saying back to me, “But everything will fall apart if I let go!” Let it fall apart. You don’t want a partner and kids who live only to make you satisfied and “happy.” Let life get a little messy. They (and you) will be so much happier if they just get to be themselves, make mistakes, and develop connections out of genuine love and respect… not out of fear of failure or mistakes.

This last one is pretty simple: start looking for joy. Get curious when you find it hard or upsetting to look for joy. Often, turning things around is simply a choice. Change your subconscious conditioning from looking for what is going wrong to looking for what is going right.

These three steps will help you attract the people and experiences that will bring you everything you are looking for.

Before you know it, your past pain will be a distant memory that doesn’t impact your day-to-day life. Instead, you will feel a sense of freedom and joy because you’ll be able to live life in the moment rather than in your head trying to predict outcomes, and because you’ll have reset your pre-conditioning to look for the good in life everywhere you go.

This is what it takes to be one of “those people” who just seem happy and full of life. Which strategy will you try first?

—

Editor’s Note: If you’ve ever wondered why happiness feels out of reach—despite doing so much work on yourself—Janice’s workshop Beyond Survival (included in the Best You, Best Life Bundle) can help you uncover and release the hidden trauma patterns that keep you stuck. Click here to learn more about the 14+ life-changing tools we’re offering for the price of one—available for just nine more days!

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About Janice Holland

Janice Holland is a Certified Trauma Model Therapist who helps healers and professionals thrive without burnout through The Courageous Trauma Recovery Membership and her signature program, The Art of Healing Trauma. Follow her on Instagram @the.trauma.teacher.

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10 Days Only—14+ Life-Changing Tools for the Price of One!

If everything has felt like too much lately, I get it.

Sometimes life feels like a malfunctioning game of Whack-a-Mole. As soon as you tackle one issue, another one pops up—over and over again, with increasing speed. It’s exhausting. Sometimes infuriating.

And that’s why I’m so happy to finally share this with you…

It’s bundle launch day! Yay!

Yay for you, I hope—because we have a fantastic lineup of 14+ powerful online tools, valued at nearly $2,000, bundled together for just $97.

And yay for me, because this was a long time in the making.

Have you ever heard someone say they poured their blood, sweat, and tears into a launch? That phrase has never felt truer for me than it does right now.

As I shared last week, I usually launch my annual bundle sale in January, but back in the fall, I quickly realized I couldn’t make it happen.

I could barely catch my breath with everything going on in my life.

Blood. A severe case of anemia that required iron transfusions—part of a string of health issues that left me exhausted and scared.

Sweat. The kind that comes with running after small children, managing a household, and running a business—all from the same living room.

Tears. A loved one’s shock diagnosis—and a 3,000-mile distance between us.

And this is what inspired me to write my new email series When Life Sucks: 21 Days of Laughs and Light—which I included in this year’s bundle.

I wrote it when I was knee-deep in the muck of overwhelming emotion to help myself (and you) find a little comfort and relief.

And it’s just one of fourteen transformative online tools designed to help you feel healthier, happier, and more fulfilled in life. These courses and workshops cover the hard stuff—the challenges that keep us up at night and the patterns that keep us stuck:

• A Self-Discovery Journey for the Sensitive Soul ($399), an 8-week program that can help you reconnect with your intuition, uncover your true needs, and create a life that feels aligned with your authentic self
• Ditch the Food Drama: Because Eating Well Shouldn’t Feel Like a Battle ($149), a 5-week journey to help you free yourself from food stress and feel at home in your body
• Meditation-in-Action Method ($97), a course that will teach you the Jedi mind tricks to tap into your inner calm, even in the midst of chaos
• Find Your Freedom and Love Alcohol Free Living ($97), a 10-day audio series that offers powerful tools and inspiration to help you stop drinking and start fully living
• Secrets of Happy Couples ($97), a comprehensive video course to help you boost the caring, attraction, happiness, and friendship in your relationship
• The Biz CPR Bundle ($120), a powerful mindset reset to help you stop tricking yourself out of money and success.

The bundle focuses on some of the most common struggles we all face—issues that can prevent us from feeling vibrant, present, and truly alive. And here’s the amazing thing: all bundled together like this, each tool costs a little over $6, which means you can tackle one of your greatest pain points for a little more than the cost of a breakfast sandwich.

Which reminds me that I need to eat breakfast. And take some deep breaths because this morning was a little stressful. And re-read one of my emails because the practices truly did help when I felt emotionally overwhelmed.

I hope these tools do the same for you. And I hope they help you make the rest of this year more meaningful, more manageable, and more aligned with who you want to be!

Whether you’re ready to dive in now or just want to take advantage of this sweet deal before it’s gone, you can ​grab your bundle here​.

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About Lori Deschene

Lori Deschene is the founder of Tiny Buddha. She started the site after struggling with depression, bulimia, c-PTSD, and toxic shame so she could recycle her former pain into something useful and inspire others to do the same. You can find her books, including Tiny Buddha’s Gratitude Journal and Tiny Buddha’s Worry Journal, here and learn more about her eCourse, Recreate Your Life Story, if you’re ready to transform your life and become the person you want to be.

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How to Make the Most of Our Time with the People We Love

“Enjoy the little things in life, for one day you may look back and realize they were the big things.” ~Robert Brault

With only a few more more months until my son leaves for college, I am a mindfulness teacher wrestling with my own heart and mind.

While avoiding the frequent mom conversations about “empty nesting,” I’m struggling to admit that my last child leaving home may be harder than I thought. Ironic, since working skillfully with difficult emotions is exactly what I teach.

Every school event I attend feels like a heavy, steady march toward graduation day. Yesterday in the high school gym, I was sandwiched between two other senior moms bawling their eyes out. Their minds and emotions were far in the future, already experiencing that final goodbye hug on college move-in day.

While I was feeling some of the same emotions, that experience gave me a clear insight: I don’t want to miss the time I have left with my high school senior because I’m living my life as if he’s already gone. Then, a poem by Bashō flashed in my mind:

Even in Kyoto
hearing the cuckoo’s cry
I long for Kyoto

You know when a poem perfectly crystallizes an emotion you’re feeling? This one nails it. The feeling of being in the presence of something tremendously special and beautiful while holding it so tightly that you’re missing it before it’s gone. The more I explore it, the stronger it gets; an eerie feeling of longing for something while still enjoying it.

My less poetic version might be:

Only four months left
Laughter coming from his room
My heart aches already

I considered asking for a weekly “mother/son date” for the rest of the school year, but I know better. His senior year should be focused on his own priorities, not my emotional needs as a parent.

So, while he’s out enjoying his senior year, what can I do to get the most out of MY remaining time with him so I don’t have regrets of my own?

Then it came to me. Savoring.

It dawns on me that I already have the perfect tool for this situation. The mindfulness practice of savoring. We normally think of savoring as it relates to food, like consciously enjoying a bite of high-quality chocolate. With mindfulness, you can savor anything. A sunset, the scent of a flower—even a person.

Remembering this gives me an idea of how to get the most out of my time with him, rather than missing it thanks to an anxious mind living full-time in the future.

Previously, I’ve used the practice of savoring to increase the intensity and appreciation of positive experiences and emotions, and it worked. So, why not now? It also feels right because it’s a “stealth” mindfulness practice, something I can do without him even knowing I’m doing it.

Now, I’m eager to begin applying what I teach, and being more present for this important relationship in my life. I start off using a popular mindfulness practice known by the acronym “S.T.O.P.”

When savoring a person’s presence: I Stop, Take an intentional deeper breath, Observe the moment using my five senses, and Proceed with awareness.

The “secret sauce” is the Observe stage, which involves leaning into my five senses: seeing, hearing, smelling, tasting, and feeling/sensing.

Now, instead of multi-tasking while we’re in the kitchen together, I pay close attention to information coming in through my five senses. I also try to practice high-quality listening. This kind of listening differs from normal conversation where we are half-listening and half-thinking about what we’re about to say back. Here, I’m simply trying to listen with my whole heart.

The interaction wraps up with the last stage: Proceed with awareness. I bask in the warm feeling I get from being with him and let it imprint on my heart. The mindfulness soon wears off, and that’s okay. I know I’m not always aiming for this kind of heightened state of awareness.

I let out a big exhale now that I’m less anxious about the next six months. Auto-pilot interactions are replaced with a sense of calm and connection. Each day, I pick at least one interaction where I make a focused effort to savor his presence and appreciate the richness of our simple everyday moments together.

This afternoon, the smell of steak on a cast iron skillet draws me into the kitchen. I give full attention to the new baritone voice as he speaks, closely admire the way he peels the garlic like a trained chef, and smile at a ray of sun hitting the strands of gold in his hair.

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About Madelyne Schermer

Madelyne works as a meditation teacher and trained mindfulness facilitator from UCLA’s Mindful Awareness Research Center (MARC). She is also a certified sylvotherapist, specializing in forest therapy and nature meditation. Her work includes leading community and parent groups, working with teens, guiding mindful pregnancy programs, facilitating workplace mindfulness, and offering private sessions, with a focus on secular mindfulness and Insight Meditation. Visit her at abundancemindfulness.com and on Instagram @abundancemindfulness

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Trichotillomania to Triumph: How I Found Acceptance and Freedom

“Your either like me or you don’t. It took me twenty-something years to learn how to love myself. I don’t have that kinda time to convince somebody else.” ~Daniel Franzese

Everyone has a bad habit or two, right? Whether it’s a major vice or a minor annoyance, we all feel the discomfort of at least some behaviors we would rather not have.

You know, like nail biting, hair twirling, procrastination, having a car that doubles as a convenient trash receptacle…

I’ve been guilty of all the above at one point or another in my life, but the one that has had the biggest impact on me is trichotillomania, or hair pulling.

If you’re not familiar with it, “trich” is a condition akin to OCD (but not actually a type of OCD, as it is often mistaken for) in which people experience difficult-to-control urges to pull their hair out.

Cases vary from mild to severe, and some pullers are able to manage their urges with strategies and coping tools so that their hair loss can go undetected by the casual observer. However, other sufferers are so afflicted by it that they end up missing entire rows of eyelashes or eyebrows or even become completely bald as a result.

Chances are you know someone with this condition, although you may be unaware of it because so many people suffer in shame and silence. Estimated rates of trich in the US are about 1-4% of the population (although the actual number is probably much higher due to underreporting), making it about as common as having red hair.

No one knew I was pulling my hair out for twenty years.

I was twelve years old (trich commonly starts in adolescence) when my mom noticed that I had a couple of bald spots on my head. I honestly didn’t know the damage I was doing at first. Sure, I knew I played with my hair a lot and sometimes pulled it out, but surely, I wasn’t doing it enough to cause bald spots, right?? It was unclear, so I kept quiet as she made an appointment for me to see the doctor about it.

When the first treatment for a fungal infection of the scalp didn’t yield improvement, the next step was to see a dermatologist. By that time, I knew I was the one causing my hair loss, but my shame and confusion kept me from speaking up about it. I didn’t understand why I couldn’t stop.

The dermatologist ran some tests, including a biopsy, and diagnosed me with alopecia areata, a medical condition resulting in hair loss. Conveniently for me, around the same time, my grandpa developed (a real case of) alopecia areata. And when we were informed that it was a genetic condition, no one really questioned it for me.

As a teen, it required much effort to style my hair to hide my bald spots, and from time to time I had to clean up my secret pile of hair between my bed and the wall, but mostly I went on to live a normal life. I found out in my mid-teens, while reading an article in the teen magazine Cosmogirl, that what I did had a name—a complicated one that I wouldn’t be able to remember for years, but it was my first inkling that I was maybe not alone in my weird compulsion.

I graduated high school, got my associate’s degree, then got married and had kids. I was incredibly embarrassed about my missing hair, but when it couldn’t be concealed, I relied on the medical condition as my trusted excuse, even to my husband.

I was thirty-two years old and working toward my master’s degree when I sat down in an on-campus therapist’s office and opened up for the first time ever about my hair pulling. The eight-mile distance between home and school, plus the promised confidentiality of therapy helped ease my fears that others would find out just enough for me to go through with it.

He was a new therapist, still in training. After I disclosed my humiliating habit, I remember he asked me, “Why are you shaking?”

“Because I’ve never told anyone this before.”

As I answered, I could see the surprise on his face. “You’ve never told anyone?”

I saw him one more time before he completed his training and transferred me to another, more experienced, therapist. Now two people knew my life-long secret. It’s no exaggeration to say that this new therapist guided me to life-changing insights, but he still knew nothing about how to treat trichotillomania. “Let’s focus on all the other stuff first,” he redirected.

A few months later, I collected enough courage to share my problem again with a close friend whose daughter had OCD. She felt safe because I had heard her talk with such concern and care for her daughter. Afterwards, I asked her, “Do you think I’m crazy?”

Not long after, I disclosed my hair pulling to my husband, and he responded with what I now call “pseudo-support.” He wanted me to be helped, but only if he could be my savior. He was okay with me telling a couple of people in his family, but no one else.

I had learned about a national conference hosted by an organization called TLC for people who pulled their hair or picked their skin, and I wanted to go. My husband agreed that it might be helpful but didn’t think I was capable of making the trip by myself (because I would almost certainly get lost in the airport or encounter some other tragic mishap), so he offered to come along.

I attended the conference alone after I moved out and filed for divorce.

What I experienced at the conference was incredible. I was surrounded by hundreds of people, knowing that I wasn’t being judged and learning more about trich in these few days than I had been able to in the years prior.

At dinner that evening, I sat at a large round table for eight, chatting about our experience with hair-pulling and skin-picking. For the first time, I talked about my hair pulling as freely as I would have said what city I had flown in from. The experience was liberating, and I could feel the shame slowly starting to melt away.

Gradually, I shared my trich with an ever-growing list of people, each time feeling a little less worried about their reaction. I began to weave it into casual conversations rather than treating it as a huge burden for me to offload.

When I started dating again, I decided to tell men up front to help “weed out” anyone who had a problem with it. By then, I was cautiously optimistic that I might be worthy of acceptance, and anyone who responded with judgment wasn’t a good fit for me.

Surprisingly, as I continued to speak up, I found that the information was generally well-received. Some people shared that they also had trich or knew someone who did. Others were curious and asked questions to understand it better. In other situations, the conversation just moved along naturally.

Of course, there were occasional encounters where I felt awkward or misunderstood, but I kept moving forward in my quest to be seen. Over time, I realized that I had been hanging on to my secret for so long based on inaccurate assumptions that others would not accept me if they knew… but I was proving myself wrong with every new person I opened up to.

Today, I’ve found that wigs are the perfect solution for me, and as many other wig-wearers have experienced, they’ve become a fun hobby. Wigs keep my hands from stealthily navigating to my hair to pull, and even when I do play with my (purchased) hair, the sensation stays in my hands rather than tracking to my scalp to initiate an urge. I’ve also noticed that the slight pressure on my head from the wigs significantly reduces my urges to pull.

When someone compliments my hair, I’m very open about my wigs, and when curious minds ask why, I confidently share that I have trich. I understand that I could hold a boundary and decline to provide an explanation, but I choose to take the opportunity to spread awareness.

It was not easy or comfortable transitioning through my paralyzing shame to radical self-acceptance, but it’s been well worth the journey. Through these experiences, I have a deeper understanding of shame, confidence, acceptance, and myself.

I’ve learned that shame is toxic and isolates us from truly meaningful connections. When we hold a part of ourselves back in our closest relationships, we tell ourselves that we aren’t good enough just as we are. This perpetuates the belief that we are broken or unworthy and can only be accepted if we portray an alternate version of ourselves to the world.

I’ve learned that when it comes to confidence, it’s best to start with a leap of faith, because waiting to feel confident first rarely works out. The transformation starts with us entertaining the idea that we might not be rejected if we share our true selves, then taking action to test it out.

I’ve learned that we are all worthy—just as we are, no modifications needed, no strings attached—and when I accept myself for who I am, others follow along. When I encounter someone who expects me to be fundamentally different to fit their own agenda, I choose to limit the energy I put into that relationship.

Most importantly, I’ve learned the power and freedom of being true to myself, and I won’t keep that a secret.

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About Laura Hope Hobson

Laura Hope is the creator of Hope and Healing Coach, where she helps people quit unwanted habits so they can feel more confident and in control of their lives. She is also a mental health clinician, BFRB advocate, mom of two teens, wife, and plant lover/hoarder. You can grab her free guide, Try This Instead: 100 Regulation Strategies You Can Actually Feel Good About, here at or her website, hopeandhealingcoach.com.

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