There is a famous Latin phrase that I absolutely love: Carpe diem. It means “Seize the day.” Younger people might be more familiar with the phrase “You only live once,” or YOLO. Both phrases encourage people to live their lives to the fullest.
I have struggled with depression and anxiety since my childhood, making it difficult to live by these phrases and enjoy life. I’ve missed out on a lot of precious moments with loved ones.
Recently, however, my mental health has been taking a turn for the better, and I’ve been doing my best to make up for all the quality time I missed.
I’m a practicing Christian, and my church recently had a gathering or social event. Usually at social events, I’m a wallflower. I don’t participate much, preferring to watch and laugh from the sidelines. At this particular gathering, I was often front and center, dancing a lot.
One fellow church member even told me he didn’t know I danced like that. I can’t dance, by the way, but I assume he was saying he couldn’t imagine me dancing so freely. It felt really good to let loose and enjoy myself with my fellow church members.
There were family members at the gathering with me, and I would not have participated if they weren’t there. I hardly make decisions without my family’s input because my anxiety gets in the way, and I have a hard time trusting my own decisions. My confidence clearly could use more work, but for right now, I’m glad I had a good time at the gathering. This wasn’t the only recent time I stepped outside of my comfort zone, though.
I have been participating in my church more and speaking up Bible study meetings. I usually don’t share my thoughts in group settings because I generally don’t like when attention is on me. However, I’ve been getting more comfortable with attention.
Every week, my church holds prayer meetings, and one of my church’s members recently asked me to lead a prayer meeting on Zoom. I was nervous about taking on the task, but I decided to accept it.
After the meeting, everyone told me I did a wonderful job. Some even told a family member of mine how well the meeting went.
During the meeting, I did a small presentation on the history of Mother’s Day, and a member who saw the presentation was able to recall details of it and share them with another member who hadn’t attended. That made me so happy because that means she was actually listening and paying attention. It also means she enjoyed the meeting.
These two recent events, the social gathering and the prayer meeting, reminded me of how far I’ve come on my journey of dealing with my depression and anxiety.
My family has also noticed the change. I mentioned earlier that I’ve missed bonding moments.
During a recent conversation with a family member, we had a discussion about the family going to see “Superman: Man of Steel” in the theater some time ago. I mentioned that I didn’t go that day, and my family member replied that she remembers me having my “moments” during that time.
It’s true that back then I was dealing with a lot of depression episodes, and I isolated myself a lot. The isolation only made my depression worse, and my relationship with my family members worsened as well.
They couldn’t understand why I wasn’t joining in on group activities. I also got offended very easily, making my family members feel they had to be extra careful with me. They believed they were walking on eggsshells when interacting with me.
Part of me believed what I was going through was normal. Another part of me knew something was off, but I didn’t want to admit I was dealing with depression. I didn’t want to deal with the stigma.
As time went on, though, I started to grow tired of dealing with my depression. I wanted to be happy. I wanted healthier relationships with my loved ones. Healthier relationships with my family started by building a relationship with my therapist.
For a long time, I didn’t want to talk about my depression with anyone because I was ashamed. However, my therapist helped me feel comfortable discussing my mental illness. Once I felt more comfortable, I started talking with my family about my mental health.
Opening up to my family helped them understand me and built a stronger bond between us. My family may not fully be able to understand me and my decisions, but they try. That’s what’s important because it helps me feel understood.
I went too long assuming my family wasn’t interested in understanding me and believing they thought of me as weird. My assumptions were wrong. Not only do my family members want to understand me, but they also accept me completely.
I made the same assumptions about friends and my church family as well, so I avoided getting involved in church. I mostly went straight home after service, skipping fellowshipping and socializing. Just like I was wrong about my family, I was wrong about my fellow church members. Ever since I started participating more in church, I’ve been receiving nothing but support and praise.
The love and encouragement I’ve been receiving have helped to reshape my thinking. Not everyone is judging me, and there are people who are happy to have me in their lives. This helps me feel much more comfortable being myself.
I might run into people who will be mean and judge me, but I am surrounded by more people who support me than not. I’m learning that what others think about me often has nothing to do with my worth.
If you’re like me and you’re dealing with depression and anxiety, know that you’re not alone. Not only are there many people who are living with mental illness like you, you have people around who love you. And there’s a good chance these people would be willing to help you if you let them in.
Opening up and giving your trust to others is not easy. However, when love and happiness pour into your heart, you’ll be glad you took the risk and opened the door. Don’t let mental illness isolate you and keep you from enjoying life. Carpe diem, my friend. Carpe diem.
About Charli Dee
Charli Dee is a blogger who lives in the United States. She writes on a variety of topics, but she mostly focuses on writing about her experience living with Turner syndrome and mental illness. When she is not writing, she can be found spending time with family and friends. Visit her blog https://lifewithcharli.home.blog and say hello. You can also find her on social media: Twitter / Facebook / Instagram / Pinterest
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