Miraculous Empath Breakthrough: My Mother’s Cancer Gift

“Humbleness, forgiveness, clarity, and love are the dynamics of freedom. They are the foundations of authentic power.” ~Gary Zukav

Last July, my mother was diagnosed with stage 4 cancer and began chemotherapy. She asked if I could stay and help her through the treatments.

Our relationship had always been strained—she was judgmental of my nomadic lifestyle and often spoke in a way that left me feeling demoralized and degraded. As an empath, this criticism was particularly hard to bear. I would feel an instant shock, like an infusion of toxic poison flowing through my veins, triggering a strong desire to hop on the next flight out of America.

However, this time, something changed. I found the courage to tell her how her judgmental tone affected me. To my surprise, she listened, apologized, and asked for my help in changing. She even expressed regret for not understanding sooner how her words hurt me. This was the beginning of a miraculous transformation, not only in our relationship but in her health as well.

A few months into chemotherapy, my mother had a severe reaction and decided to stop all medications. Instead, she turned to a healthier lifestyle. She adopted a nutritious diet, started swimming every morning at 6 a.m., and lost fifty pounds. Most importantly, she began to forgive her past, which allowed her to fully embrace the present.

At eighty-three, my mother is changing in ways I never thought possible.

We recently returned from a two-week scuba and snorkeling trip in the Maldives, where she swam with whale sharks and eagle rays, danced, and marveled at the stunning aqua waters. She had the time of her life, and I could see from the sparkle in her eyes the life-changing impact of the sea.

Throughout the trip, she didn’t watch any TV and instead thanked me for sharing my love of the ocean with her. Her newfound appreciation for life was a beautiful, miraculous gift. She was happy, alive, and looked twenty years younger, and for the first time in my life, she expressed her respect and appreciation for my life choices.

During this time, I maintained my equanimity, a testament to the spiritual practices I’ve cultivated as an empath. I stayed grounded and clear, which allowed me to support her without losing myself in the process.

This experience has taught me invaluable lessons about healing, not only for my mother but for our relationship as well. Reflecting on this journey, I realize how much we have both grown. My mother once said that I came back to help her die, but instead, she has learned how to truly live. This transformation is a powerful reminder of the resilience and strength we all possess, especially when we embrace our sensitivities and learn how to speak our truths.

Lessons Learned on My Path

Honest communication can transform relationships.

I have learned to never assume it’s pointless to share my honest feelings because you never know how they’ll be received.

Open and genuine communication was the key to transforming my relationship with my mother. When I finally expressed how her words affected me, it opened the door to healing and understanding.

Change is always possible.

Know that it’s never too late to change or to create change in a relationship.

My mother’s transformation at eighty-three is a testament to the fact that we are never too old to grow, heal, and embrace a new way of living. Her journey has shown me that change is always possible, no matter where we are in life.

Our energy can have a profound effect on our interactions.

Recognizing that the energy I bring to an interaction affects how the other person will engage with me has been another game changer. By maintaining a calm and grounded presence, I was able to support my mother without losing myself in the process. This shift in energy made our interactions more positive and constructive.

One practice that helps me with this is Ho’oponopono (Hawaiian forgiveness prayer), which includes four parts: I’m sorry, please forgive me, thank you, and I love you.

Ho’oponopono operates on the basis that any energies I experience can, in some way, be a mirror of energies I have in myself. My focus is to actively take responsibility for my part (whether I am conscious of it or not).

This helps me to take active ownership of my part in the situation and to clear my side of the street. It helps me to come from a place of humility and empowerment by taking responsibility for what I have brought to the table. It is a powerful practice and can totally shift dynamics in relationships and situations.

It’s crucial for empaths to discern which energy is our own.

One of the most critical lessons I learned was how to distinguish between my energy and the energy of others. As an empath, it’s easy to absorb emotions, thoughts, and energies from those around you, often confusing them with your own. This can be overwhelming and disorienting.

It was especially challenging around my mother, who is an anxious person. In the past, I would feel her anxiety as if it were my own, which was particularly triggering. Through my spiritual practices and studies, I developed a heightened awareness of my internal state.

I started by paying close attention to my feelings and sensations, learning to recognize what was inherently mine. Meditation played a significant role in this process. By sitting in stillness and observing my thoughts and emotions without attachment, I could identify the subtle differences between my energy and external influences. I also practiced grounding exercises, which helped me stay connected to my body and the present moment, making it easier to discern external energies.

Energy clearing is a game-changer.

Clearing my energy has become essential to maintaining my well-being. I have discovered several techniques that prove invaluable in releasing unwanted energies and restoring my natural state.

I use intention and release energy that I may have absorbed that is not mine, replacing it with high-frequency energy. I then call back into my body all my energy after I intend that it is cleared and cleansed.

I clear myself and my space with the sacred sound of a Tibetan bowl and smudge with sage or palo santo, which leaves me feeling refreshed and renewed.

I think of clearing energy like brushing my teeth. I do it several times daily, and it only takes a few minutes.

Another effective method is using visualization. I visualize a bright light surrounding me, washing away any negative or foreign energies. Outside of the light, I visualize a disco ball with mirrors, reflecting the energy from others.

Breathwork has also become a life-changing and powerful tool. Through deep, conscious, connected breathing, I release tension, trauma, and stagnant energy from my body. Each inhale brings in fresh, revitalizing energy, while each exhale expels anything that is not serving me.

Having a spiritual routine can keep us centered.

Developing a daily spiritual routine has been the cornerstone of maintaining a high vibration and a clear mind. This routine involves a combination of practices that nurture my body, mind, and spirit, ensuring I start each day grounded and aligned.

My routine includes:

• Morning Meditation: I begin each day with a twenty-minute meditation session. This sets a peaceful tone for the day and helps me connect with my inner self before engaging with the outside world.
• Yoga Practice: Incorporating yoga into my morning routine helps me stay physically flexible and mentally focused. The combination of movement and breathwork balances my energy and enhances my mindfulness.
• Journaling: After meditation, I spend time journaling. This practice allows me to process my thoughts and emotions, gain insights, and set intentions for the day. It’s a way to clear my mind and focus on what truly matters.
• Affirmations, Intentions, and Gratitude: Positive affirmations, intentions, and gratitude exercises uplift my spirit and reinforce a positive mindset. By acknowledging what I’m grateful for and affirming my strengths, I cultivate a sense of abundance and joy. I set the intention to remain in equanimity on the trip with my mother and it worked!
• Nature Connection: Spending time in nature, even if it’s just a short walk, helps ground me.

These practices, woven into my daily life, create a framework that supports living an empowered life as an empath. They help me stay centered, clear, and resilient, allowing me to embrace my sensitivity as a gift rather than a burden.

—

Reflecting back on my journey with my mother, I am reminded of how far we’ve come. Our relationship, once strained and filled with misunderstanding, has transformed into a beautiful, supportive bond.

The courage to share my honest feelings and the willingness to engage with a calm, grounded energy were pivotal in this transformation. My mother’s ability to change and embrace a new way of living at eighty-three has shown me that it’s never too late for growth and healing.

By sharing these lessons, I hope to inspire fellow empaths to embrace their sensitivity and develop practices that nurture their unique gifts. Sensitivity, when understood and managed well, can be a profound source of strength and connection to the people around us.

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About Polly Green

Polly Green is an empath coach, channeler, energy alchemist, and medium helping empaths feel confident in clearing energy and navigating the spirit world. If you're an awakening female empath struggling with your sensitivity, she'd love to connect with you. Polly is conducting important research and would appreciate the opportunity to ask you a few questions over a quick Zoom call. Grab a spot on her calendar, visit her site, and follow on Instagram (here / here), Facebook (here / here), and YouTube. You can find her free guide here.

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How to Find Your Ikigai (and More Purpose and Joy)

“We all have two lives. The second one starts when we realize that we only have one.” ~Confucius

According to Gettysburg College, the average person will spend 90,000 hours working in their lifetime. For many of us, it seems that the answer to Mary Oliver’s famous question, “What is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?” is work. So why do so many of us stay in jobs we don’t enjoy?

For three years, I had a job that made me feel restless and disengaged. On paper, it was the right fit. It aligned with my experience in education administration, an industry I fell into through a mutual friend in college. But in reality, the culture at the company made it difficult for me to feel comfortable there or have any life outside of work.

When I was on the clock, it was constantly go, go, go. I was expected to work several weekends in the fall, summer, and spring, sometimes from home and sometimes traveling for conferences. I often worked early mornings and late evenings for a good, but not great, salary (I worked for a nonprofit), and there was no overtime.

Because of this, I was extremely guarded about my few free weekends, preferring to use them to recharge quietly at home. I felt resentful when a family member or friend would ask me to visit, feeling so burnt out from my day-to-day that I had nothing left to give them.

My coworkers infrequently took paid time off, and sometimes they were denied. I once asked to take a Friday off for a close family friend’s wedding and was told it wouldn’t be feasible. I spent the five-hour car ride to the venue working from the passenger seat.

I frustratedly turned my phone off at the rehearsal dinner, which was at 8:00 p.m. on Friday, after receiving a message from my boss. When I did get to take time off, I was often asked to get online or help my boss out over the phone. I heard from her while on the beach for a friend’s bachelorette trip, in a rental for a family vacation, at my aunt and uncle’s house for Thanksgiving, and even in a remote mountain town in Italy.

I started googling things like “how to combat burnout,” “what to do if you don’t like your job,” “how do I keep working overtime but not feel like ice cream on a ninety-degree day?” and “does my dog still love me just as much if I don’t have time to play with him every morning?” Somehow, in one of my Google spirals, I came across the concept of “Ikigai.”

A Japanese philosophy meaning “reason for being,” Ikigai encompasses finding fulfillment in the intersection of what you love, what you are good at, what the world needs, and what you can be paid for.

It asks, “Why do you get up in the morning?” and suggests that your career should be the answer if you’re living your Ikigai. Not only was my job not the reason I woke up in the morning (that honor goes to my two-year-old golden doodle, Nemo), but it was also the reason I hit snooze and rolled back under the covers to hide from the day for a bit longer.

So I quit. It wasn’t as simple as that—it took a lot of work and quite a bit of luck, but I ended up redirecting to a new path that fits my lifestyle much better. When thinking about why I get up in the morning, reading was one of the first things to come to mind—I devour several books a week, and nothing makes me happier than a few quiet hours with a coffee and written words—so editorial work felt like an encouraging place to start.

Now, I work as an editorial manager for a small company only two miles from my house. I’m doing work that I enjoy with people who I like, and I never work weekends. I’m not sure yet if I’ve found my Ikigai, but my current work allows me to explore what I love while allowing me time to cultivate hobbies and give some thought to what I genuinely enjoy.

I’m not alone in my longing for purpose and my need to follow a career path that fits me. A 2021 Gallup report found that 60% of millennials and 57% of Gen Z are open to new job opportunities, with a significant portion saying that their primary driver is the desire for meaningful work.

Unlike many boomers, who value financial security above all else, young people today are more likely to leave jobs that don’t provide a sense of purpose or opportunities for personal growth. A 2019 study by MetLife found that 74% of boomers considered financial security and benefits to be the most critical factors in a job, compared to only 54% of millennials.

In our culture, we’re expected to choose a career in our early twenties, before we know anything about the world or ourselves, and climb the same ladder forever, seeking prestige and financial gain. But that standard is changing.

Young people are choosing to leave their jobs to pursue their dreams, whether that means pivoting to a new career path, going freelance, starting their own business, or traveling. Like me, they are unwilling to put up with poor work-life balance and work that is not meaningful for them. They seek jobs that offer personal fulfillment, align with their values, and provide a sense of purpose.

How Do You Find Your Ikigai?

So, how do you find your Ikigai? It’s not a one-day revelation but a journey of self-discovery. It requires thought, preparation, and reflection. Here are five steps you can take to work towards your Ikigai.

1. Set aside time for self-reflection.

Engage in self-reflection to understand your passions, strengths, and values. Tools like journaling or personality assessments can help clarify what drives you.

Use journaling prompts like these:

What activities make you lose track of time?

What do people often ask for your help with?

What are your strengths and talents?

When were you the happiest, and why?

2. Experiment.

Try different activities, volunteer, or take on side projects to explore your interests and see what resonates with you. Some trial-and-error may be necessary to gather insights into what fulfills you.

Here are some options you can explore:

Take on new hobbies or volunteer roles.

Attend free workshops or community events.

Collaborate on projects that interest you.

Join an interest group in your community.

3. Set goals and make plans.

Consider your passions and strengths and use them to develop actionable goals. Create a roadmap with clear steps to reach these goals. Setting specific goals will enhance your motivation for change and give you something to work toward and look forward to.

Try setting SMART goals. That means they’re:

Specific

Measurable

Achievable

Relevant

Time-Bound

4. Seek feedback.

Ask mentors, peers, or professionals in your areas of interest for feedback. Talking to the people who know you best can give you insights into parts of yourself that you may not have noticed, including what lights you up. Talking to people who know the industry you’re interested in can help you decide if it’s right for you before you pivot entirely in that new direction.

Consider the following suggestions:

Ask your friends and family about their perceptions of your strengths and passions.

Ask your boss at work what they feel you do best and what you seem to enjoy.

Seek informal mentors who can offer advice and guidance.

5. Embrace continuous learning.

Commit to lifelong learning through courses, reading, and other educational activities. Staying curious and open to new knowledge can help you adapt and thrive in your pursuit of purpose.

The following books have been helpful to me as I’ve looked for my purpose:

Ikigai: The Japanese Secret to a Long, Happy Life by Héctor Garcia and Francesc Miralles

Braving the Wilderness: The Quest for True Belonging and the Courage to Stand Alone by Brené Brown

Thing Again: The Power of Knowing What You Don’t Know by Adam Grant

Additional Philosophies for a Happy Life

Ikigai, at its core, is the search for contentment. As you’re searching for your Ikigai, several other philosophies can help you find fulfillment in your daily life:

Hygge is a Danish concept that, according to Country Living, “encompasses a feeling of cozy contentment and well-being through enjoying the simple things in life.” Hygge emphasizes creating a warm atmosphere. It is about finding happiness in everyday moments and fostering community and togetherness.

Lagom is a Swedish philosophy that translates to “not too little, not too much, just right.” Lagom encourages a balanced, sustainable lifestyle and making conscious choices that lead to contentment without excess. It’s about finding harmony and satisfaction through simplicity.

Friluftsliv translates to “open-air living” and is a Norwegian concept that celebrates outdoor life and nature. Friluftsliv emphasizes the importance of spending time in nature for mental and physical well-being. It encourages outdoor activities and connecting with the natural environment as a source of joy, relaxation, and a sense of purpose.

Final Thoughts

I’ve seen firsthand how many young people, me included, are increasingly leaving traditional jobs in search of more fulfilling and flexible careers, fueled by the grind of poor job quality and the longing for personal and professional growth. Embracing concepts like Ikigai has been transformative for me, and it can also be a good reminder for others.

By actively seeking our purpose and using strategies to find what truly drives us, we can navigate our career paths with greater clarity and joy. This journey isn’t just about finding a job—it’s about creating a life that resonates with us and what we value most. After all, we only have one life.

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About Norrie Beach

Norrie Beach is a freelance writer and blogger who is passionate about mental health and living a meaningful life. She is always seeking to improve herself and others, and she particularly loves writing about career fulfillment, cultural trends, and making an impact.

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Why I Deprioritized Myself and What I Now Know About Boundaries

“If you do not have needs, you once did.” ~ Marshall Rosenberg

When I was born, my mother did not want me. In the northern part of India, there is still a very strong preference for having a male child. A female child is often seen as a burden because of the social and economic traditions of patriarchy.

Because of this initial rejection, I became highly sensitive to my parents’ inner worlds. In my deep longing to be loved and accepted, I mastered the subtle art of sensing their needs and feelings, becoming a natural caretaker.

I would come back from school and notice my mother’s overwhelmed face. Her days were always busy and full with myriad responsibilities. Before I knew it, I slid into the role of mothering my younger brother. And so, growing up, due to circumstances and adaptation, my favorite thing in the world became making someone feel at home.

In my twenties, designing emotionally safe spaces became the core of my work. First as a university teacher and eventually as a wellness coach, I became a professional caretaker. Along with my students, I experienced the deepest textures of fulfillment and intimacy at work. My work became a nest for rebirthing and nurturing. Non-judgment, emotional safety, and warmth were its key tenets. It was an experience of inclusion, ease, and belongingness.

One day, I faced the decision to let go of a student who had been emotionally aggressive toward me. I felt fragmented into parts: one part feeling hurt for myself, and the other part feeling care and protectiveness toward the student who had crossed the line. In all honesty, I was more attuned and identified with the latter part.

For days, I suffered. I tried to find a way for these parts to coexist, but they couldn’t. I had to face the emotional reality of chaos and discomfort. As they say, if it is hysterical, it must be historical; during this internal churning, I had a significant insight. I realized that my favorite thing originated from my least favorite thing in the world.

I never wanted to subject anyone to the experience of feeling emotionally walled out, rejected, homeless, and undesired. This tenderness, stemming from my early childhood experience, made me highly attuned to anyone who might feel similarly.

Ironically, in designing a non-hierarchical classroom and workplace where everyone shared power, I was not taking my own needs and feelings into account. I was not listening to my own needs and feelings. To quote the late American psychologist Marshall Rosenberg, “If you do not have needs, you once did.”

It awakened me to the awareness that I had learned to neglect my needs to the point where they did not matter as much as someone else’s. This was a learned behavior, an adaptation I made very early in my life.

This prevented me from drawing boundaries, even when necessary to protect my vitality and life spark. In trying to embody elements of an emotionally safe home, I was tuned out to my own personal truths, especially the subtle ones. It was through this experience of conflict that I could see the contest between these different parts.

In that moment of insight, my heart felt lighter after days of heaviness. I could see the beauty and dignity of my needs again. The part of me that did not receive unconditional acceptance from her primary caretakers had birthed the part that valued deep care and emotional safety for others. I was trying to soothe my grieving part by breathing life into others.

From a spiritual dimension, it was beautiful to witness that others were a part of me in this cosmic adaptation. However, in this material realm, it was important to acknowledge separation as a prerequisite for co-existence.

My learning was to first breathe life into my own abandoned part, nurturing it back to richness, ease, and wholeness, and then share my gifts from that choiceful place. 

Another simple question helped me: Every night, why do I lock the door of my apartment? It is to protect my space from strangers. Similarly, for me to embody emotional safety at my workplace, I need to first feel safe.

I saw the light and shadow meet at the horizon. Boundaries, which once seemed like rude, disruptive, and violent borders separating people, suddenly felt like love lines inside my body, helping me to love better, richer, and more honestly.

Learning to set boundaries was not easy. It required me to slow down and witness uncomfortable truths about my past and present. I had to learn to honestly understand where my giving was coming from and learn to heal and nurture my own grief.

It was only when I came in touch with that initial rupture that I could become more capable of giving genuine care and support to others without depleting myself.

This journey freed me from my savior syndrome and taught me to be self-compassionate and create a more authentic and nurturing environment for others.

Boundaries allowed me to reclaim my sense of self. They became a way for me to define what was acceptable and what was not, to express my limits, and to protect my emotional and mental health. This process also taught me the difference between passion and obsession. 

Today, I am more attuned to my own needs and feelings. I understand that setting boundaries is an ongoing practice, not a one-time event. It involves continually checking in with myself and adjusting as necessary. This dynamic process has brought more inner peace and honesty in my actions.

In essence, my journey of overcoming guilt and shame around drawing boundaries has been an inner journey of healing and integration. It allows me the choice to create a life that honors my personal truths, and in doing so, I am better equipped to support and nurture others in a healthy, sustainable way.

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About Charnita Arora

Charnita is passionate about living in an emotionally safe and authentic world. Before becoming a mom, she was a university teacher, mindfulness author, TEDx speaker, and the founder of a wellness-oriented classroom called Perfect Life Spot. Currently, Charnita offers mindfulness-based personal coaching and courses on developing self-love, emotional intelligence, setting boundaries, and becoming friends with anxiety and anger. All of it can be experienced online on Charnita.com.

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How to Boost Your Self-Esteem: 6 Tips to Like Yourself More

“You yourself, as much as anybody in the entire universe, deserve your love and affection.” ~Buddha

I have, as I believe many of us do, grappled with the thorny issues of self-esteem for much of my life. But it was only when I became terribly unwell with an autoimmune disease six years ago that I began to see how much low self-esteem was affecting my day-to-day life and my health.

I started to see how focusing on external validation and bending and folding, putting the needs of others ahead of mine, like a reed being dragged back and forth by the currents of a river, was a damaging way to live.

As I began to heal, I could see how not really valuing or trusting myself was filtering into almost every aspect of my life. I began to understand how even the little decisions that said “yes” or “no” to my true self were affecting my health and happiness.

I didn’t really know what I liked or didn’t like, who I was, or what I wanted from life. Well, at that point, I mostly wanted to be well, but I knew that emotional work was an important component of that. I also knew that developing greater self-worth would be key to my healing.

I began reflecting on what I value and enjoy. I began listening to messages from my body and from my intuition. I started to ask myself questions like, “Am I people-pleasing from a place of low self-esteem, or is my true self saying yes in all its honesty and wisdom?” and “Am I bending to please or placate someone else’s wishes just to accommodate them, to the detriment of my health and happiness?” I began to believe in myself and to recognize the value I add to this world.

Having high self-worth or self-esteem can be one of the most transformational and wonderful things for your happiness, health, and success, but how do we get from not holding ourselves in high regard to having high levels of love and esteem for ourselves?

Self-esteem is the way we value and see ourselves. It is our assessment of our overall worth or value. It is how much we like ourselves. It is something that forms over time, but, along with the rest of our subconscious beliefs, it is mostly formed at a young age.

Many of us suffer from low self-esteem, but it is totally possible to change and reframe our limiting beliefs.

“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your handbrake on.” ~Maxwell Maltz

Having low self-esteem can really hold us back from living a full and happy life. We might feel anxious and awkward around others because we feel unlovable or paralyzed by low self-esteem, unable to move forward and succeed in life because we don’t feel we’re worthy.

Low self-esteem often leads to high levels of self-criticism and ideas of not being good enough. It’s a feeling of generally thinking negatively about yourself and your life.

It may stem from things like bullying or abuse, mental or physical illness, stress, work, or relationship problems. It can often begin in childhood and develop over the years.

Low self-esteem can manifest in numerous ways, such as:

• people-pleasing
• being indecisive
• not having positive relationships
• getting angry or irritated easily
• regularly feeling overwhelming sadness
• Having difficulty creating boundaries
• holding a pessimistic outlook on life
• doubting your capabilities and capacity for success

The great news, however, is that developing love for yourself and creating a happier, more successful life is totally possible. Here’s how.

1. Work on developing self-compassion.

I can be hard on myself at times—much harder on myself than on others. Nurturing self-compassion has helped me soften toward myself and, in doing so, view myself with a kinder lens.

Kristen Neff explains, “Tender self-compassion is the capacity that allows us to be with ourselves just as we are—comforting and reassuring ourselves that we aren’t alone, as well as validating our pain. It has the gentle, nurturing quality of a mother toward a newborn child.”

A useful technique for being kinder to yourself is to think about how you might respond to a good friend or a young child if they were beating themselves up about something. Just noticing how differently we speak to ourselves and beginning to adjust that to something kinder and gentler is an excellent way to start building compassion toward ourselves.

Loving-kindness meditations have been very helpful for me in cultivating self-compassion. Incorporating one into your routine is an excellent way to develop self-compassion as a tangible practice.

2. Set goals, and don’t break your promises to yourself.

Building trust in yourself and your capabilities is an important part of developing self-worth. However, be careful not to allow goal-setting to be just another stick to beat yourself with.

I live with a chronic illness, so setting goals can be challenging. My health can often dictate what I can achieve, so I have to be gentle in my approach to this. I keep my intentions reasonable, realistic, and compassionate. That means if I have a setback with my health, I don’t end up feeling bad for not keeping my promises to myself.

Showing up for yourself and not letting yourself down tells your subconscious that you’re worth it. As long as you remain flexible and kind to yourself, setting small goals and then reveling in your accomplishments can begin to change the narrative you might have created around your abilities and not being good enough. Set realistic goals so you don’t set yourself up for failure, and build up over time as you develop your confidence and self-worth.

If, like me, you have health woes, perhaps one of your goals might be to make sure you do a gentle yoga flow that you know helps with your pain. Or maybe even something as simple as making sure you spend ten minutes outside first thing in the morning so you get some sunlight and fresh air. The crucial thing is to show up for yourself and let your subconscious know that you matter.

Or, if you are terrified of speaking up in meetings at work, set yourself a goal to say something once in the coming week. This small goal will feel more manageable than committing to speaking up in every meeting, and you’re more likely to achieve it, thereby swerving the shame spiral and negative self-talk trap. When you do speak up, really celebrate it!

3. Take stock of your achievements.

Make a list of things you’re good at. Start with small things like: good at being kind, funny, on time, tidy, whatever it may be. Come up with as many as you can, but ten is a good goal. Just writing this list will boost your confidence and shift you out of negative thought patterns.

Then think about things you’ve achieved over your life—things like excelling in a sport or learning to cook or play an instrument.

Next, consider what you’ve achieved at school, university, or work. Chances are, you excelled somewhere along the way, but you’ve told yourself a story to the contrary. It’s time to rewrite that story. Really revel in those successes. Maybe you could even write some words of praise next to each one. Go on, give yourself a gold star—you know you want to!

I have an evening journaling practice, and sometimes, especially at times when I’m feeling a little down on myself, I write three things I did well that day. This always helps boost my mood and affects how I feel about myself.

4. Accept compliments.

I don’t know how many times I’ve deflected a compliment I’ve received: “You look nice today.” “Ugh, no, my hair’s awful” or some other such brush-off.

I’ve started making a conscious effort to simply say, “Thanks very much” when someone pays me a compliment. I can’t say I feel totally at ease with it all the time, but it’s a warmer experience of receiving appreciation. I think it probably feels nicer for the person bestowing their kind words too.

When we don’t feel good about ourselves, accepting a compliment can feel really awkward because we just can’t imagine how it’s true. It’s also considered culturally polite to modestly negate or refute a compliment, so it almost feels like a natural reflex to bat it away quickly and move on. But doing this keeps you in low self-worth and maintains the narrative of negativity you spin for yourself.

The next time someone pays you a compliment, I invite you to just say, “Thanks so much” or “How nice of you to say.” The more you practice responding in this way, the more you will start to elevate your thoughts and feelings about yourself and develop higher self-esteem.

5. Practice self-care.

Looking after yourself is such an act of love. Consistently putting yourself and your needs first tells your brain that you’re worth it. Putting yourself first does not make you selfish. It actually enables you to give more fully to the people and things in your life that matter. It really is true that you can’t pour from an empty cup.

Self-care absolutely looks like meditation, yoga, etc., but it also looks like getting enough sleep, eating well, moving your body, getting out in nature, and doing things you enjoy.

Add it to your plan for the week. Build it into your calendar because it’s just as important as the meetings or whatever else you have filling up your week (more so, IMO!). Self-care is a way to keep showing up for yourself, showing yourself that you are worthy of care and love, which will raise your self-esteem to no end.

One of my favorite self-care practices is to light a load of candles and incense, get some relaxing music on, and read a book. It makes me feel cozy and comforted and relaxes me. It can be all manner of things—whatever helps you show yourself the love you deserve.

6. Try positive affirmations.

Affirmations are a wonderful tool to help improve your self-esteem, but they need to be done right. Until I learned more about how affirmations work, they felt a bit meaningless to me.

For them to work, our subconscious mind needs to accept them as true.

If you have low self-worth, for example, chances are you won’t just immediately believe, at a subconscious level, the affirmation “I am worthy of love.” Once your self-esteem is a little higher, affirmations like that will work well, but when you’re coming from a place of low self-worth, your critical faculty won’t let “I am” affirmations pass go.

While you’re developing your self-esteem, try using affirmations like “I am learning to feel worthy of love” or “Every day, in every way, I am learning to show myself the love and respect I deserve.”

Affirmations like these feel much more credible to your belief system. Over time, they will help rewire your subconscious and, in doing so, help you raise your self-esteem.

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I know firsthand that raising self-worth can be a slow and bumpy road, but it’s a journey well worth taking. Self-esteem is a crucial aspect of having positive relationships with yourself and others.

By being gentle with yourself, accepting loving words from others, focusing on your achievements and skills, continually showing up for and looking after yourself, and reprogramming your subconscious mind, you can make a huge difference to your levels of happiness and success in life.

A better relationship with yourself is the first step toward creating better relationships with those around you, and, if you ask me, loving, joyful relationships are what life is all about. As RuPaul says, “If you can’t love yourself, how in the hell are you gonna love somebody else?”

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About Sarah Littlefair

Sarah Littlefair is an integrative hypnotherapist and somatic coach. She helps people reprogram their minds and regulate their nervous systems so that they can tackle the root causes of chronic stress, burnout, chronic illness, and emotional issues to feel calm and confident and live their happiest, healthiest lives. If you’d like to know more, please reach out: Website: sarahlittlefair.com. Email: sarah@sarahlittlefair.com Instagram: @sarah_littlefair

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Healing Your Broken Heart After Miscarriage

“You never arrived in my arms, but you will never leave my heart.” ~Zoe Clark-Coates

If you have experienced a miscarriage, I am so sorry for your loss. I know the pain of pregnancy loss all too well, as I recently experienced a miscarriage at ten weeks pregnant.

It was a complete shock.

I had two healthy previous pregnancies, and everything felt fine—until it wasn’t.

As a mental health professional, I have worked with many women who have experienced miscarriage, and I know the statistics show that one in four will experience pregnancy loss.

With everything I knew and all the stories I had heard, I still hadn’t considered how likely it was to happen to me. During and after the loss, I found myself in a tunnel of darkness, sorrow, anger, shame, and unrelenting guilt.

Before I go further, I want to affirm that miscarriage is a significant loss, and it is natural to hurt deeply. Your grief is real, and it deserves to be honored.

“Grief only exists where love lived first.” ~Franchesca Cox

This quote is an important reminder that the attachment, love, and hopes you had for a future with your baby were real, and it does not matter how many weeks along you were.

In the aftermath of my miscarriage, I truly expected to move on quickly and didn’t imagine it would take such a toll on my well-being and mental health.

For months, I was triggered by everything and would break down into tears daily. I felt tremendous guilt for miscarrying.

The word “miscarriage” itself made me feel like I must have missed something, like I had failed my baby, my husband, and myself.

At no point had I received a follow-up call or been offered emotional support from doctors, and I truly didn’t realize how traumatic the physical aspect would be.

I knew I couldn’t change the pain of this experience and that I could not continue to bury it and isolate myself, hoping that the grief would just disappear. From the moment I found out I was pregnant with my third baby, my life changed, and it changed again when I lost the baby.

Here are some tips as a pregnancy loss survivor and mental health professional that helped me heal and find my sense of self again.

Grieve and Mourn Your Baby

Grief is your feelings and thoughts associated with the death, whereas mourning is when you take that pain outside of yourself by showing or doing something. Please give yourself permission to feel your feelings, and if you have any mementos, consider placing them in a special memory box.

I have a box with my pregnancy test, ultrasound picture, and a picture my four-year-old daughter drew for her angel baby brother or sister.

Take Time to Heal

Take some time to heal, and do not rush to get back into your normal routine. Something traumatic has happened to your body and soul, and you need time to recover.

Take some time off work, cancel commitments, and let household chores slide for as long as necessary.

Remember: There is no timeline for grieving. It hurts for as long as it hurts, and you need your own patience and compassion every step of the way.

Set Aside Time to Grieve

Purposefully invite your pain in and set time aside to mourn your baby. I know this may sound strange, but grief and mourning are hard work, and as human beings, we can easily push away the pain that comes with grief.

I encourage you to give yourself five or ten minutes of uninterrupted time where you dedicate yourself to your pain and truly allow yourself to feel it.

In the early days after my miscarriage, I would listen to Taylor Swift’s “Bigger Than the Whole Sky” and allow myself to cry while writing. That song spoke to me after my miscarriage and can still make me feel close to my baby when I listen to it today.

Find Your Tribe

I know initiating discussions around miscarriage is difficult, but remember that you are not alone, and that every time you share your story, you are breaking down the stigma and shame associated with talking about miscarriage.

Whether you join an in-person support group or just post in a community forum online, sharing your feelings can help you process them, and it could also help someone else heal from their loss.

If you are supporting a loved one through a miscarriage, please do not put pressure on yourself to “fix” their pain.

Your presence, empathy, and ongoing emotional support will help them in their healing more than you know.

Some Parting Thoughts

Be gentle and patient with yourself during this time, and remember that everyone experiences pregnancy loss grief in their own unique way.

An affirmation that I tell myself on those hard days is: My baby lives in my heart and will be safe there forever.

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About Chantal Lester

Are you struggling with infertility, loss, or trauma? Chantal Lester, MSc, CCC, RP (Qualifying) is here to support you when you're ready. Click here to read more about Chantal's approach and expertise. Take that important step toward a healthier you with Calm Cool Collective Counselling. Fill out our Therapist Match Form, and we'll match you with a therapist within 24 hours. Plus, enjoy a FREE 15-minute phone consultation with your chosen therapist! Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved.

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5 Ways to Stay Mentally Strong, No Matter What

“Have a little faith in your ability to handle whatever’s coming down the road. Believe that you have the strength and resourcefulness required to tackle whatever challenges come your way.” ~Lori Deschene

My life is unpredictable.

These days, it feels like I wake up not knowing what obstacles I’m going to be facing or how to manage it all. Is the world getting more challenging, or is it just me?

There doesn’t seem to be a magic carpet ride to rescue me, or any of us for that matter, ready to whisk us off into the sunset for a rendition of Aladdin’s “Whole New World,” with “shining, shimmering splendor.”

Do you, like me, wonder, “How is everyone else navigating life these days?”

Attempting to put my mind into a semblance of order the other day, I pulled out my self-development toolbox. I began digging around to see what I had on hand from all the self-development books and blog posts I’ve read, therapists I’ve seen, and workshops I’ve taken.

I came up with the usual suspects: Embrace change! Practice mindfulness! Find your purpose! Reclaim your power! While these fab four sound like a great tried-and-true collection, it felt like I was trying to use the rules of Candyland to navigate the fire-breathing dragons in Game of Thrones.

Help.

Like so many others I interact with, such as family, clients, and friends, I sense uncertainty building up on a consistent basis. The hardest part is not having the luxury to curl up and shut the shades and hide under the blankets because there are bills to pay, jobs and careers to sit up straight for, and families to attend to.

So where do I draw confidence in my ability to handle life?

I think back to my childhood as a Gen X kid. Growing up in a small town on a dead-end street with ten siblings, I had to figure out how to fend for myself from a very young age. Food went quickly, and I had to forage and make sure I got my share. If there was a school project, I had to find odds and ends in the house to paste together and create an appropriate report to present to the class on my own.

My parents didn’t get down with glue and popsicle sticks. Ever.

Using the words “I’m bored” got you a broom and baby handed to you, so I kept myself busy and out of sight of the adults. Anytime I needed a ride anywhere, it was up to me to figure out how to get there and home, and I got stranded many times.

The superpower I developed as a kid so I could survive was resourcefulness.

This was, by definition, the ability to find quick and clever ways to overcome difficulties and make use of that which others would normally overlook or discard. If I didn’t have what I wanted or needed, I would have to create possibilities using limited or no resources.

I developed curiosity, an ability to take care of myself, and the determination to find solutions in the face of any adversity and solve problems for myself and my younger siblings. I put together costumes, learned to sew my own clothes, cooked meals, and became an expert storyteller and little-white-lie fabricator.

Hypervigilance developed so I could figure out how to read the emotional state of the adults, who were consumed with their responsibilities and their own unfulfilled dreams. Keeping out of harm’s way, such as avoiding my father’s wrath or the teacher’s punishment, became my expertise. Friends were everything, and they, along with the outdoors, helped me have a pretty incredible childhood with lots of fun memories.

What I learned from my childhood is this: It’s not always a lack of resources that is the problem; it’s a lack of resourcefulness that causes failure.

There are resources that we think we need, such as money, the right technology, the right contacts, enough time, the best lawyer, etc., and while there’s truth to that, we struggle because we lack the ultimate resource—which is emotional resourcefulness, something we could all access. When you dig deep and utilize your emotional resources,you can get almost any other resource on earth.

It’s Time to Develop Emotional and Practical Resourcefulness

Here are my five tips to stay mentally strong and navigate anything that comes your way in life.

1. Use what you have.

When I was a kid, no one went to the store to buy me supplies, trendy trinkets, or even necessities like pajamas, pencils, and enough socks. We used and reused what we had around.

Even when I can afford things I need, I like to take a look at my Amazon cart and double check to see if I have anything at home that I could makeshift or ask a neighborhood WhatsApp group for. You’d be surprised at what people offer up for free, both goods and services. You just have to ask.

Bartering works as well. I have gotten vacations paid for, kids’ school tuition in exchange for marketing services, and plane tickets for use of my home for a night or two.

2. Develop your hustle.

If I wanted the latest thing the other kids had or wanted to go for pizza with my friends, I babysat, raked leaves, and hustled my grandmother for money. I found that if I played her a song on the piano and told her I was the best and prettiest in my class, she would give me $5. It made us both happy!

Obtain invitations by befriending people you admire and want to be like. Worm your way into communities of your choice by shopping in those neighborhood grocery and coffee shops and talk to people there. Sign up for training and meetings in the town-run parks and recreation centers in those neighborhoods as well. Don’t stop the hustle mindsetwherever you go.

 3. Practice self-talk.

All through my childhood, I used to constantly tell myself, from the top bunk bed in a crowded bedroom with my sisters, that one day I would be a writer like I read about in my favorite book, Anne of Green Gables. I knew I would one day sell my stories and have the money I wanted. I do that today!

When I would see things around me that I didn’t like, and there were many, I reminded myself that I would one day be like the well-dressed women in my mother’s magazines: colorful clothes, big white smiles. Seek outside inspiration for this and speak positive, goal-oriented dialogue to yourself.

When something is not as you would like, tell yourself, “I don’t like it, it’s an inconvenience, and it’s temporary.” Not BUT it’s temporary; say and, or furthermore. “And it’s temporary.” That’s how you talk to yourself, according to former prisoner of war Edith Eger, author of The Choice. “No matter what happens, it’s temporary and I can survive it.”

4. Trust your intuition.

Trust that you have the intuition to figure it out. We made it home from school, found our friends outside to hang out with, kept ourselves alive, and sensed when to avoid dangerous adults (most of the time).

Trust that your instincts will kick in at the precise moment needed, and it may be last-minute, but you’ll always figure it out.

5. Know that you have a unique purpose.

I knew my purpose was to be a writer, and I did a good job on my writing assignments in grade school. Never underestimate your power to make a difference with your talent or your purpose, and believe that you have something to offer the world—and offer it.

I used to volunteer for just an hour a week at a recovery center when I was at my lowest, just to feel purposeful, and I reaped magical rewards from that experience.

Bonus Tip: Build a Support System

No one can navigate life’s challenges alone, and building a strong support system is crucial for mental strength. As a Gen X kid, we had our friends on the street to hang out with all the time; we were always there for each other.

Surround yourself with people who uplift and inspire you. Share your thoughts and feelings with friends or family members (and/or professionals) that you trust, who can provide valuable perspectives along with emotional support. Having a support system not only lightens the load but can also reinforce your much-needed mental fortitude to develop a strong mind.

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While life is unpredictable, by incorporating these five practices into your life, you can build a foundation of mental strength that will serve you well in any circumstance.

Remember, staying mentally strong is not about avoiding challenges but about facing them head-on with resourcefulness, courage, resilience, and a positive attitude. With these tools in your arsenal, you’ll be better equipped to navigate the unpredictable journey of life and emerge stronger on the other side.

“Know that you always have the capacity to make the best of anything. Even if you didn’t want it or ask for it, even if it seems scary or hard or unfair, you can make something good out of any loss or hardship. You can learn from it, grow from it, help others through it, and maybe even thrive because of it. The future is unknown, but you can know this for sure: Whatever’s coming, you got this.” ~Lori Deschene

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About Esther Litchfield-Fink

Esther Litchfield-Fink is a verbal and written communications expert. You can follow her at estherfink.com. Sign up for a free intro call here, and get on the list for her digital course on How to Heal from Toxic Relationships. She has a master’s degree in organizational psychology and has been featured on tinyBuddha.com three times, as well as many other websites.

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